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Re: Enabling Bad Behavior

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Amen ! =)

I think we all could stand to be MUCH kinder to ourselves.

Mia

>

>

> I love this list.

>

> I love this list.

>

> I love, love, love this list.

>

> (Did I mention I love this list?)

>

> Only one thing: If that bright shining moment when we are no longer a kid

> and have just become an adult can be defined, both before and after that

> moment all we have had to teach us anything is the experiences we had in

> childhood. For however many years, we could not make a different choice

> because we had no new knowledge to compare and make any different choices

> FROM. Abusive families tend to isolate themselves from outsiders, and what

> nada and fada didn't do in that department, we tend to do ourselves because

> we grew up socialized in such a way that we drove off healthy people and

> attracted unhealthy people. So it's hard, as a newly minted Adult KO, to

> acquire the knowledge we needed to make better choices. I know for me it was

> all of my 20's and most of my 30's before I really even realized all of what

> had happened and how I had mislearned, and sad to say, I'm still finding

> more of the mislearning about life today.

>

> So to kick ourselves for " letting " the BP abuse us, and " choosing " to allow

> things to stay the same, etc., seems a bit harsh. It's not like one minute

> we were clueless children and the next minute, Poof! We were all grown up,

> and knew how things were supposed to be. We weren't.

>

> --.

>

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I really appreciate your thoughts. I think part of the healing is learning that

nada or fada put the negative thoughts into our heads and until we grow up and

learn that those thoughts are lies, there is no way out for us. But, when that

one day comes that we see the light and we now know the truth, the abuse can

stop then both in their presence and when they're not around. :)

My nada is too over the top verbally abusive and filled with vitriol to the

point there is no way to even attempt a relationship. Now that I know she is

abusive, she can't be in my life. She is unwilling to change and I am unwilling

to be abused. We get to that point where we either cannot take or hear the

words as the lies they are and don't react to them. Either place is a good

place. :)

Many blessings!

>

> I love this list.

>

> I love this list.

>

> I love, love, love this list.

>

> (Did I mention I love this list?)

>

> Only one thing: If that bright shining moment when we are no longer a kid and

have just become an adult can be defined, both before and after that moment all

we have had to teach us anything is the experiences we had in childhood. For

however many years, we could not make a different choice because we had no new

knowledge to compare and make any different choices FROM. Abusive families tend

to isolate themselves from outsiders, and what nada and fada didn't do in that

department, we tend to do ourselves because we grew up socialized in such a way

that we drove off healthy people and attracted unhealthy people. So it's hard,

as a newly minted Adult KO, to acquire the knowledge we needed to make better

choices. I know for me it was all of my 20's and most of my 30's before I

really even realized all of what had happened and how I had mislearned, and sad

to say, I'm still finding more of the mislearning about life today.

>

> So to kick ourselves for " letting " the BP abuse us, and " choosing " to allow

things to stay the same, etc., seems a bit harsh. It's not like one minute we

were clueless children and the next minute, Poof! We were all grown up, and

knew how things were supposed to be. We weren't.

>

> --.

>

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I really appreciate your thoughts. I think part of the healing is learning that

nada or fada put the negative thoughts into our heads and until we grow up and

learn that those thoughts are lies, there is no way out for us. But, when that

one day comes that we see the light and we now know the truth, the abuse can

stop then both in their presence and when they're not around. :)

My nada is too over the top verbally abusive and filled with vitriol to the

point there is no way to even attempt a relationship. Now that I know she is

abusive, she can't be in my life. She is unwilling to change and I am unwilling

to be abused. We get to that point where we either cannot take or hear the

words as the lies they are and don't react to them. Either place is a good

place. :)

Many blessings!

>

> I love this list.

>

> I love this list.

>

> I love, love, love this list.

>

> (Did I mention I love this list?)

>

> Only one thing: If that bright shining moment when we are no longer a kid and

have just become an adult can be defined, both before and after that moment all

we have had to teach us anything is the experiences we had in childhood. For

however many years, we could not make a different choice because we had no new

knowledge to compare and make any different choices FROM. Abusive families tend

to isolate themselves from outsiders, and what nada and fada didn't do in that

department, we tend to do ourselves because we grew up socialized in such a way

that we drove off healthy people and attracted unhealthy people. So it's hard,

as a newly minted Adult KO, to acquire the knowledge we needed to make better

choices. I know for me it was all of my 20's and most of my 30's before I

really even realized all of what had happened and how I had mislearned, and sad

to say, I'm still finding more of the mislearning about life today.

>

> So to kick ourselves for " letting " the BP abuse us, and " choosing " to allow

things to stay the same, etc., seems a bit harsh. It's not like one minute we

were clueless children and the next minute, Poof! We were all grown up, and

knew how things were supposed to be. We weren't.

>

> --.

>

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I really appreciate your thoughts. I think part of the healing is learning that

nada or fada put the negative thoughts into our heads and until we grow up and

learn that those thoughts are lies, there is no way out for us. But, when that

one day comes that we see the light and we now know the truth, the abuse can

stop then both in their presence and when they're not around. :)

My nada is too over the top verbally abusive and filled with vitriol to the

point there is no way to even attempt a relationship. Now that I know she is

abusive, she can't be in my life. She is unwilling to change and I am unwilling

to be abused. We get to that point where we either cannot take or hear the

words as the lies they are and don't react to them. Either place is a good

place. :)

Many blessings!

>

> I love this list.

>

> I love this list.

>

> I love, love, love this list.

>

> (Did I mention I love this list?)

>

> Only one thing: If that bright shining moment when we are no longer a kid and

have just become an adult can be defined, both before and after that moment all

we have had to teach us anything is the experiences we had in childhood. For

however many years, we could not make a different choice because we had no new

knowledge to compare and make any different choices FROM. Abusive families tend

to isolate themselves from outsiders, and what nada and fada didn't do in that

department, we tend to do ourselves because we grew up socialized in such a way

that we drove off healthy people and attracted unhealthy people. So it's hard,

as a newly minted Adult KO, to acquire the knowledge we needed to make better

choices. I know for me it was all of my 20's and most of my 30's before I

really even realized all of what had happened and how I had mislearned, and sad

to say, I'm still finding more of the mislearning about life today.

>

> So to kick ourselves for " letting " the BP abuse us, and " choosing " to allow

things to stay the same, etc., seems a bit harsh. It's not like one minute we

were clueless children and the next minute, Poof! We were all grown up, and

knew how things were supposed to be. We weren't.

>

> --.

>

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Yes Mia - as soon as we learn when the voice in our heads is nada or fada and

quit beating ourselves up for them, life gets very good. But a life with them

requires recovery for us if we want to be healthy. Kindness and a lot of

self-love goes a long way in getting us along the path to freedom from abuse and

inner peace. :)

>

> >

> >

> > I love this list.

> >

> > I love this list.

> >

> > I love, love, love this list.

> >

> > (Did I mention I love this list?)

> >

> > Only one thing: If that bright shining moment when we are no longer a kid

> > and have just become an adult can be defined, both before and after that

> > moment all we have had to teach us anything is the experiences we had in

> > childhood. For however many years, we could not make a different choice

> > because we had no new knowledge to compare and make any different choices

> > FROM. Abusive families tend to isolate themselves from outsiders, and what

> > nada and fada didn't do in that department, we tend to do ourselves because

> > we grew up socialized in such a way that we drove off healthy people and

> > attracted unhealthy people. So it's hard, as a newly minted Adult KO, to

> > acquire the knowledge we needed to make better choices. I know for me it was

> > all of my 20's and most of my 30's before I really even realized all of what

> > had happened and how I had mislearned, and sad to say, I'm still finding

> > more of the mislearning about life today.

> >

> > So to kick ourselves for " letting " the BP abuse us, and " choosing " to allow

> > things to stay the same, etc., seems a bit harsh. It's not like one minute

> > we were clueless children and the next minute, Poof! We were all grown up,

> > and knew how things were supposed to be. We weren't.

> >

> > --.

> >

>

>

>

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Yes Mia - as soon as we learn when the voice in our heads is nada or fada and

quit beating ourselves up for them, life gets very good. But a life with them

requires recovery for us if we want to be healthy. Kindness and a lot of

self-love goes a long way in getting us along the path to freedom from abuse and

inner peace. :)

>

> >

> >

> > I love this list.

> >

> > I love this list.

> >

> > I love, love, love this list.

> >

> > (Did I mention I love this list?)

> >

> > Only one thing: If that bright shining moment when we are no longer a kid

> > and have just become an adult can be defined, both before and after that

> > moment all we have had to teach us anything is the experiences we had in

> > childhood. For however many years, we could not make a different choice

> > because we had no new knowledge to compare and make any different choices

> > FROM. Abusive families tend to isolate themselves from outsiders, and what

> > nada and fada didn't do in that department, we tend to do ourselves because

> > we grew up socialized in such a way that we drove off healthy people and

> > attracted unhealthy people. So it's hard, as a newly minted Adult KO, to

> > acquire the knowledge we needed to make better choices. I know for me it was

> > all of my 20's and most of my 30's before I really even realized all of what

> > had happened and how I had mislearned, and sad to say, I'm still finding

> > more of the mislearning about life today.

> >

> > So to kick ourselves for " letting " the BP abuse us, and " choosing " to allow

> > things to stay the same, etc., seems a bit harsh. It's not like one minute

> > we were clueless children and the next minute, Poof! We were all grown up,

> > and knew how things were supposed to be. We weren't.

> >

> > --.

> >

>

>

>

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Share on other sites

I remember reading the " Love and Logic " book when my kids were teens. It did

come in handy when they went into drama mode. My daughter and her husband are

now 30 and 32, not exactly kids. I just listen to her because ultimately I know

I can't fix their marriage. She has to put her foot down and tell him to move it

or move out.

And you're right, the advice in the book comes in handy when dealing with nada.

Instead of getting sucked into her drama and " emergencies " , it's better to put

the burden back on her. I'll tell her, what would you like to do about this? Or

what do you think? It's a way to keep it off my back and also give her the

chance to make her own choices. In the past I've made decisions for her because

she seemed so confused and helpless at the time. You can guess what happened.

After the fact she would complain about what happened and of course it's my

fault because I handled things. Whether it was who to hire for mowing the grass

or paint the house or even which frozen dinner to buy and try from the grocery

store. So I've stopped that. Never too old to learn I guess. :-)

> >

> > I love that first list. It can apply to so many relationships. If I posted

it on FB (I won't steal your list) my son inlaw would not see himself in it. My

daughter gives and gives to him and all he does is demand more. I'm not saying

he's BP but he sure is a selfish, demanding and cruel person.

> >

> > That sucks me into either pushing my daughter away when she needs help

(because I know my help will also enable lard butt) or giving in. He won't even

help take care of his baby son. The other day she wanted to take a long warm

bath because she hurt her back. But she couldn't do that without finding a

babysitter. That makes me so angry.

> >

>

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Share on other sites

I remember reading the " Love and Logic " book when my kids were teens. It did

come in handy when they went into drama mode. My daughter and her husband are

now 30 and 32, not exactly kids. I just listen to her because ultimately I know

I can't fix their marriage. She has to put her foot down and tell him to move it

or move out.

And you're right, the advice in the book comes in handy when dealing with nada.

Instead of getting sucked into her drama and " emergencies " , it's better to put

the burden back on her. I'll tell her, what would you like to do about this? Or

what do you think? It's a way to keep it off my back and also give her the

chance to make her own choices. In the past I've made decisions for her because

she seemed so confused and helpless at the time. You can guess what happened.

After the fact she would complain about what happened and of course it's my

fault because I handled things. Whether it was who to hire for mowing the grass

or paint the house or even which frozen dinner to buy and try from the grocery

store. So I've stopped that. Never too old to learn I guess. :-)

> >

> > I love that first list. It can apply to so many relationships. If I posted

it on FB (I won't steal your list) my son inlaw would not see himself in it. My

daughter gives and gives to him and all he does is demand more. I'm not saying

he's BP but he sure is a selfish, demanding and cruel person.

> >

> > That sucks me into either pushing my daughter away when she needs help

(because I know my help will also enable lard butt) or giving in. He won't even

help take care of his baby son. The other day she wanted to take a long warm

bath because she hurt her back. But she couldn't do that without finding a

babysitter. That makes me so angry.

> >

>

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And I love YOU! GREAT post.

+Coal Miner's Daughter

>

> I love this list.

>

> I love this list.

>

> I love, love, love this list.

>

> (Did I mention I love this list?)

>

> --.

>

Link to comment
Share on other sites

" I'm a good person, who works hard. I may be judged harshly because I don't have

a good relationship with my mother but with everything in me I tried. I just

refuse to cater to and take abuse from insane people, regardless of their

position in my life. "

Jaie,

I'm trying to design a website about KO's. I would like to put this quote, by

itself and unattributed, on the front page. Is that OK with you?

--.

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" I'm a good person, who works hard. I may be judged harshly because I don't have

a good relationship with my mother but with everything in me I tried. I just

refuse to cater to and take abuse from insane people, regardless of their

position in my life. "

Jaie,

I'm trying to design a website about KO's. I would like to put this quote, by

itself and unattributed, on the front page. Is that OK with you?

--.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

" I'm a good person, who works hard. I may be judged harshly because I don't have

a good relationship with my mother but with everything in me I tried. I just

refuse to cater to and take abuse from insane people, regardless of their

position in my life. "

Jaie,

I'm trying to design a website about KO's. I would like to put this quote, by

itself and unattributed, on the front page. Is that OK with you?

--.

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Share on other sites

Absolutely. You can post my name if you want to - either way, I'm no longer

ashamed of cutting ties and coming out with the abuse I suffered at my mother's

hands. It's Jaie Hart. :)

>

> " I'm a good person, who works hard. I may be judged harshly because I don't

have a good relationship with my mother but with everything in me I tried. I

just refuse to cater to and take abuse from insane people, regardless of their

position in my life. "

>

> Jaie,

>

> I'm trying to design a website about KO's. I would like to put this quote, by

itself and unattributed, on the front page. Is that OK with you?

>

> --.

>

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Absolutely. You can post my name if you want to - either way, I'm no longer

ashamed of cutting ties and coming out with the abuse I suffered at my mother's

hands. It's Jaie Hart. :)

>

> " I'm a good person, who works hard. I may be judged harshly because I don't

have a good relationship with my mother but with everything in me I tried. I

just refuse to cater to and take abuse from insane people, regardless of their

position in my life. "

>

> Jaie,

>

> I'm trying to design a website about KO's. I would like to put this quote, by

itself and unattributed, on the front page. Is that OK with you?

>

> --.

>

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Absolutely. You can post my name if you want to - either way, I'm no longer

ashamed of cutting ties and coming out with the abuse I suffered at my mother's

hands. It's Jaie Hart. :)

>

> " I'm a good person, who works hard. I may be judged harshly because I don't

have a good relationship with my mother but with everything in me I tried. I

just refuse to cater to and take abuse from insane people, regardless of their

position in my life. "

>

> Jaie,

>

> I'm trying to design a website about KO's. I would like to put this quote, by

itself and unattributed, on the front page. Is that OK with you?

>

> --.

>

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