Guest guest Posted January 5, 2011 Report Share Posted January 5, 2011 Amen ! =) I think we all could stand to be MUCH kinder to ourselves. Mia > > > I love this list. > > I love this list. > > I love, love, love this list. > > (Did I mention I love this list?) > > Only one thing: If that bright shining moment when we are no longer a kid > and have just become an adult can be defined, both before and after that > moment all we have had to teach us anything is the experiences we had in > childhood. For however many years, we could not make a different choice > because we had no new knowledge to compare and make any different choices > FROM. Abusive families tend to isolate themselves from outsiders, and what > nada and fada didn't do in that department, we tend to do ourselves because > we grew up socialized in such a way that we drove off healthy people and > attracted unhealthy people. So it's hard, as a newly minted Adult KO, to > acquire the knowledge we needed to make better choices. I know for me it was > all of my 20's and most of my 30's before I really even realized all of what > had happened and how I had mislearned, and sad to say, I'm still finding > more of the mislearning about life today. > > So to kick ourselves for " letting " the BP abuse us, and " choosing " to allow > things to stay the same, etc., seems a bit harsh. It's not like one minute > we were clueless children and the next minute, Poof! We were all grown up, > and knew how things were supposed to be. We weren't. > > --. > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 6, 2011 Report Share Posted January 6, 2011 I really appreciate your thoughts. I think part of the healing is learning that nada or fada put the negative thoughts into our heads and until we grow up and learn that those thoughts are lies, there is no way out for us. But, when that one day comes that we see the light and we now know the truth, the abuse can stop then both in their presence and when they're not around. My nada is too over the top verbally abusive and filled with vitriol to the point there is no way to even attempt a relationship. Now that I know she is abusive, she can't be in my life. She is unwilling to change and I am unwilling to be abused. We get to that point where we either cannot take or hear the words as the lies they are and don't react to them. Either place is a good place. Many blessings! > > I love this list. > > I love this list. > > I love, love, love this list. > > (Did I mention I love this list?) > > Only one thing: If that bright shining moment when we are no longer a kid and have just become an adult can be defined, both before and after that moment all we have had to teach us anything is the experiences we had in childhood. For however many years, we could not make a different choice because we had no new knowledge to compare and make any different choices FROM. Abusive families tend to isolate themselves from outsiders, and what nada and fada didn't do in that department, we tend to do ourselves because we grew up socialized in such a way that we drove off healthy people and attracted unhealthy people. So it's hard, as a newly minted Adult KO, to acquire the knowledge we needed to make better choices. I know for me it was all of my 20's and most of my 30's before I really even realized all of what had happened and how I had mislearned, and sad to say, I'm still finding more of the mislearning about life today. > > So to kick ourselves for " letting " the BP abuse us, and " choosing " to allow things to stay the same, etc., seems a bit harsh. It's not like one minute we were clueless children and the next minute, Poof! We were all grown up, and knew how things were supposed to be. We weren't. > > --. > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 6, 2011 Report Share Posted January 6, 2011 I really appreciate your thoughts. I think part of the healing is learning that nada or fada put the negative thoughts into our heads and until we grow up and learn that those thoughts are lies, there is no way out for us. But, when that one day comes that we see the light and we now know the truth, the abuse can stop then both in their presence and when they're not around. My nada is too over the top verbally abusive and filled with vitriol to the point there is no way to even attempt a relationship. Now that I know she is abusive, she can't be in my life. She is unwilling to change and I am unwilling to be abused. We get to that point where we either cannot take or hear the words as the lies they are and don't react to them. Either place is a good place. Many blessings! > > I love this list. > > I love this list. > > I love, love, love this list. > > (Did I mention I love this list?) > > Only one thing: If that bright shining moment when we are no longer a kid and have just become an adult can be defined, both before and after that moment all we have had to teach us anything is the experiences we had in childhood. For however many years, we could not make a different choice because we had no new knowledge to compare and make any different choices FROM. Abusive families tend to isolate themselves from outsiders, and what nada and fada didn't do in that department, we tend to do ourselves because we grew up socialized in such a way that we drove off healthy people and attracted unhealthy people. So it's hard, as a newly minted Adult KO, to acquire the knowledge we needed to make better choices. I know for me it was all of my 20's and most of my 30's before I really even realized all of what had happened and how I had mislearned, and sad to say, I'm still finding more of the mislearning about life today. > > So to kick ourselves for " letting " the BP abuse us, and " choosing " to allow things to stay the same, etc., seems a bit harsh. It's not like one minute we were clueless children and the next minute, Poof! We were all grown up, and knew how things were supposed to be. We weren't. > > --. > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 6, 2011 Report Share Posted January 6, 2011 I really appreciate your thoughts. I think part of the healing is learning that nada or fada put the negative thoughts into our heads and until we grow up and learn that those thoughts are lies, there is no way out for us. But, when that one day comes that we see the light and we now know the truth, the abuse can stop then both in their presence and when they're not around. My nada is too over the top verbally abusive and filled with vitriol to the point there is no way to even attempt a relationship. Now that I know she is abusive, she can't be in my life. She is unwilling to change and I am unwilling to be abused. We get to that point where we either cannot take or hear the words as the lies they are and don't react to them. Either place is a good place. Many blessings! > > I love this list. > > I love this list. > > I love, love, love this list. > > (Did I mention I love this list?) > > Only one thing: If that bright shining moment when we are no longer a kid and have just become an adult can be defined, both before and after that moment all we have had to teach us anything is the experiences we had in childhood. For however many years, we could not make a different choice because we had no new knowledge to compare and make any different choices FROM. Abusive families tend to isolate themselves from outsiders, and what nada and fada didn't do in that department, we tend to do ourselves because we grew up socialized in such a way that we drove off healthy people and attracted unhealthy people. So it's hard, as a newly minted Adult KO, to acquire the knowledge we needed to make better choices. I know for me it was all of my 20's and most of my 30's before I really even realized all of what had happened and how I had mislearned, and sad to say, I'm still finding more of the mislearning about life today. > > So to kick ourselves for " letting " the BP abuse us, and " choosing " to allow things to stay the same, etc., seems a bit harsh. It's not like one minute we were clueless children and the next minute, Poof! We were all grown up, and knew how things were supposed to be. We weren't. > > --. > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 6, 2011 Report Share Posted January 6, 2011 Yes Mia - as soon as we learn when the voice in our heads is nada or fada and quit beating ourselves up for them, life gets very good. But a life with them requires recovery for us if we want to be healthy. Kindness and a lot of self-love goes a long way in getting us along the path to freedom from abuse and inner peace. > > > > > > > I love this list. > > > > I love this list. > > > > I love, love, love this list. > > > > (Did I mention I love this list?) > > > > Only one thing: If that bright shining moment when we are no longer a kid > > and have just become an adult can be defined, both before and after that > > moment all we have had to teach us anything is the experiences we had in > > childhood. For however many years, we could not make a different choice > > because we had no new knowledge to compare and make any different choices > > FROM. Abusive families tend to isolate themselves from outsiders, and what > > nada and fada didn't do in that department, we tend to do ourselves because > > we grew up socialized in such a way that we drove off healthy people and > > attracted unhealthy people. So it's hard, as a newly minted Adult KO, to > > acquire the knowledge we needed to make better choices. I know for me it was > > all of my 20's and most of my 30's before I really even realized all of what > > had happened and how I had mislearned, and sad to say, I'm still finding > > more of the mislearning about life today. > > > > So to kick ourselves for " letting " the BP abuse us, and " choosing " to allow > > things to stay the same, etc., seems a bit harsh. It's not like one minute > > we were clueless children and the next minute, Poof! We were all grown up, > > and knew how things were supposed to be. We weren't. > > > > --. > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 6, 2011 Report Share Posted January 6, 2011 Yes Mia - as soon as we learn when the voice in our heads is nada or fada and quit beating ourselves up for them, life gets very good. But a life with them requires recovery for us if we want to be healthy. Kindness and a lot of self-love goes a long way in getting us along the path to freedom from abuse and inner peace. > > > > > > > I love this list. > > > > I love this list. > > > > I love, love, love this list. > > > > (Did I mention I love this list?) > > > > Only one thing: If that bright shining moment when we are no longer a kid > > and have just become an adult can be defined, both before and after that > > moment all we have had to teach us anything is the experiences we had in > > childhood. For however many years, we could not make a different choice > > because we had no new knowledge to compare and make any different choices > > FROM. Abusive families tend to isolate themselves from outsiders, and what > > nada and fada didn't do in that department, we tend to do ourselves because > > we grew up socialized in such a way that we drove off healthy people and > > attracted unhealthy people. So it's hard, as a newly minted Adult KO, to > > acquire the knowledge we needed to make better choices. I know for me it was > > all of my 20's and most of my 30's before I really even realized all of what > > had happened and how I had mislearned, and sad to say, I'm still finding > > more of the mislearning about life today. > > > > So to kick ourselves for " letting " the BP abuse us, and " choosing " to allow > > things to stay the same, etc., seems a bit harsh. It's not like one minute > > we were clueless children and the next minute, Poof! We were all grown up, > > and knew how things were supposed to be. We weren't. > > > > --. > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 6, 2011 Report Share Posted January 6, 2011 I remember reading the " Love and Logic " book when my kids were teens. It did come in handy when they went into drama mode. My daughter and her husband are now 30 and 32, not exactly kids. I just listen to her because ultimately I know I can't fix their marriage. She has to put her foot down and tell him to move it or move out. And you're right, the advice in the book comes in handy when dealing with nada. Instead of getting sucked into her drama and " emergencies " , it's better to put the burden back on her. I'll tell her, what would you like to do about this? Or what do you think? It's a way to keep it off my back and also give her the chance to make her own choices. In the past I've made decisions for her because she seemed so confused and helpless at the time. You can guess what happened. After the fact she would complain about what happened and of course it's my fault because I handled things. Whether it was who to hire for mowing the grass or paint the house or even which frozen dinner to buy and try from the grocery store. So I've stopped that. Never too old to learn I guess. :-) > > > > I love that first list. It can apply to so many relationships. If I posted it on FB (I won't steal your list) my son inlaw would not see himself in it. My daughter gives and gives to him and all he does is demand more. I'm not saying he's BP but he sure is a selfish, demanding and cruel person. > > > > That sucks me into either pushing my daughter away when she needs help (because I know my help will also enable lard butt) or giving in. He won't even help take care of his baby son. The other day she wanted to take a long warm bath because she hurt her back. But she couldn't do that without finding a babysitter. That makes me so angry. > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 6, 2011 Report Share Posted January 6, 2011 I remember reading the " Love and Logic " book when my kids were teens. It did come in handy when they went into drama mode. My daughter and her husband are now 30 and 32, not exactly kids. I just listen to her because ultimately I know I can't fix their marriage. She has to put her foot down and tell him to move it or move out. And you're right, the advice in the book comes in handy when dealing with nada. Instead of getting sucked into her drama and " emergencies " , it's better to put the burden back on her. I'll tell her, what would you like to do about this? Or what do you think? It's a way to keep it off my back and also give her the chance to make her own choices. In the past I've made decisions for her because she seemed so confused and helpless at the time. You can guess what happened. After the fact she would complain about what happened and of course it's my fault because I handled things. Whether it was who to hire for mowing the grass or paint the house or even which frozen dinner to buy and try from the grocery store. So I've stopped that. Never too old to learn I guess. :-) > > > > I love that first list. It can apply to so many relationships. If I posted it on FB (I won't steal your list) my son inlaw would not see himself in it. My daughter gives and gives to him and all he does is demand more. I'm not saying he's BP but he sure is a selfish, demanding and cruel person. > > > > That sucks me into either pushing my daughter away when she needs help (because I know my help will also enable lard butt) or giving in. He won't even help take care of his baby son. The other day she wanted to take a long warm bath because she hurt her back. But she couldn't do that without finding a babysitter. That makes me so angry. > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 6, 2011 Report Share Posted January 6, 2011 And I love YOU! GREAT post. +Coal Miner's Daughter > > I love this list. > > I love this list. > > I love, love, love this list. > > (Did I mention I love this list?) > > --. > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 6, 2011 Report Share Posted January 6, 2011 " I'm a good person, who works hard. I may be judged harshly because I don't have a good relationship with my mother but with everything in me I tried. I just refuse to cater to and take abuse from insane people, regardless of their position in my life. " Jaie, I'm trying to design a website about KO's. I would like to put this quote, by itself and unattributed, on the front page. Is that OK with you? --. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 6, 2011 Report Share Posted January 6, 2011 " I'm a good person, who works hard. I may be judged harshly because I don't have a good relationship with my mother but with everything in me I tried. I just refuse to cater to and take abuse from insane people, regardless of their position in my life. " Jaie, I'm trying to design a website about KO's. I would like to put this quote, by itself and unattributed, on the front page. Is that OK with you? --. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 6, 2011 Report Share Posted January 6, 2011 " I'm a good person, who works hard. I may be judged harshly because I don't have a good relationship with my mother but with everything in me I tried. I just refuse to cater to and take abuse from insane people, regardless of their position in my life. " Jaie, I'm trying to design a website about KO's. I would like to put this quote, by itself and unattributed, on the front page. Is that OK with you? --. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 6, 2011 Report Share Posted January 6, 2011 Absolutely. You can post my name if you want to - either way, I'm no longer ashamed of cutting ties and coming out with the abuse I suffered at my mother's hands. It's Jaie Hart. > > " I'm a good person, who works hard. I may be judged harshly because I don't have a good relationship with my mother but with everything in me I tried. I just refuse to cater to and take abuse from insane people, regardless of their position in my life. " > > Jaie, > > I'm trying to design a website about KO's. I would like to put this quote, by itself and unattributed, on the front page. Is that OK with you? > > --. > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 6, 2011 Report Share Posted January 6, 2011 Absolutely. You can post my name if you want to - either way, I'm no longer ashamed of cutting ties and coming out with the abuse I suffered at my mother's hands. It's Jaie Hart. > > " I'm a good person, who works hard. I may be judged harshly because I don't have a good relationship with my mother but with everything in me I tried. I just refuse to cater to and take abuse from insane people, regardless of their position in my life. " > > Jaie, > > I'm trying to design a website about KO's. I would like to put this quote, by itself and unattributed, on the front page. Is that OK with you? > > --. > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 6, 2011 Report Share Posted January 6, 2011 Absolutely. You can post my name if you want to - either way, I'm no longer ashamed of cutting ties and coming out with the abuse I suffered at my mother's hands. It's Jaie Hart. > > " I'm a good person, who works hard. I may be judged harshly because I don't have a good relationship with my mother but with everything in me I tried. I just refuse to cater to and take abuse from insane people, regardless of their position in my life. " > > Jaie, > > I'm trying to design a website about KO's. I would like to put this quote, by itself and unattributed, on the front page. Is that OK with you? > > --. > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 6, 2011 Report Share Posted January 6, 2011 Hey, thanks. I'm sure not out to post names, but names won't hurt, either. --. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 6, 2011 Report Share Posted January 6, 2011 Hey, thanks. I'm sure not out to post names, but names won't hurt, either. --. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 6, 2011 Report Share Posted January 6, 2011 Hey, thanks. I'm sure not out to post names, but names won't hurt, either. --. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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