Re: Re: Christmas turned into a Kafka-esque nightmare

[Guest guest]

Like you I hope your mom is able to get some help. It might be one heck of

a fight though, I have no idea. You know her better than anyone!

Like you said, it might be a risk. However, I personally don't feel you

have anything to apologize for. You were discussing concerns about her with

your step dad. If that upset her, sure, that's possible, but to go into a

complete rage over it. Yikes. I think she needs to do some apologizing...

but that probably won't happen if she does have BPD =(

My biggest piece of advice for you right now with her violence is make sure

you are safe. I also agree that your step dad should call the police if she

starts behaving like that again.

My nada used to throw things when I was younger. It was terrifying! Cups &

glasses would go shattering into walls, etc.

I hope she can get some help, but remember, it's ultimately her choice.

Don't guilt yourself if she won't. You have to take care of you too so you

can heal as well.

Mia

>

>

> Thank you for your kind words, Mia. Yes, my stepdad thinks she has BPD. I

> need to have a conversation with him about it. When I left, he was going to

> try and have a conversation with her doctor who is presribing her meds. I

> want him to call the police next time she goes into a rage like that so she

> can have a psych eval.

>

> I am contemplating, if I have the opportunity to have a conversation with

> her when she is in a good mood, to bring up what happened. I have no

> intention of mentioning BPD, only saying that it was clear to me that she

> was extremely angry about many things and that I think she might find it

> helpful to discuss that anger with a therapist so she can find ways to

> express it to us without becoming violent. I want to come from a place of

> understanding, but I feel like I need to try, at least once, to have this

> conversation with her. I do not believe she is always clouded by this

> thinking (although I could be in denial), and I hope that she and I can at

> least have a conversation. If I don't feel like she's receptive, I won't

> broach the idea of therapy but I will defininetly set up boundaries.

>

> I know that this might be a huge risk. But I know that maybe if I start by

> apologizing about discussing her when she wasn't present and ask her to

> accept that apology then maybe I will have the opportunity to express at the

> very least my concern about her anger. I don't see that I have much to lose.

> If she's unreceptive or gets angry, chances are she'll flip back to " nothing

> is wrong " in a week.

>

>

>

>

>

>

> >

> > >

> > >

> > > Hi all,

> > >

> > > I found this group while I was searching for information about

> Borderline

> > > Personality Disorder. Not being a licensed anything, I don't know if

> this is

> > > what has been affecting my mother, but in the past few days I've read

> two

> > > books and done nothing but research and it really seems to make sense.

> > >

> > > My mother has always been very moody, and, growing up, I always got

> > > irritated with her because she always had to involve herself in

> everything I

> > > was doing at school. I remember once actually saying to her when my

> 16th

> > > birthday came around and she insisted on throwing a big party that I

> did not

> > > want " Can't I just have one thing that's about me? " I know that hurt

> her

> > > deeply. But I needed space. My parents fought all the time, and I could

> > > never invite friends over. When I think back to it, most fights were

> > > instigated by my mother. When she and my father divorced in my early

> 20s,

> > > she went through a deep depression (which I believe she sought

> treatment

> > > for) and my brothers and I lived with her in rotations doing unspoken

> > > suicide watches. When she finally started to rebound, she married an

> old

> > > family friend, who had a young child. I tried to talk her out if it

> because

> > > I knew that she had been the eldest daughter growing up and had raised

> her

> > > brothers and sisters, that she had married at 17 and immediately had 3

> > > children, and had never had any time to just be herself. I thought she

> > > should enjoy her life now and not have to be responsible for someone

> else or

> > > tied down by someone else. Of course, in retrospect, I see now why

> those

> > > concerns fell on deaf ears.

> > >

> > > She remarried and moved to a rural area in the mountains. I believe

> that

> > > between the time of her depression and her marriage she had been

> diagnosed

> > > with bipolar disorder, although I'm not sure. I know she was taking

> > > medication, but I'm also not sure what it was or what it's purpose was.

> > > Anyhow, (I'm trying to summarize, so I'm skipping over some things) she

> has

> > > been remarried for a little less than a decade now. I thought things

> were

> > > going well for her--that she was finally finding some happiness,

> besides the

> > > strain of a custody battle over her new husband's son.

> > >

> > > I went to visit her for Christmas. I'm in California, so it was a very

> > > expensive trip for me, but she had been complaining and begging me for

> a

> > > visit for a few years, so I saved the money and came out for a week. I

> > > noticed things were off-kilter right away. She was manic the first two

> days,

> > > in a good mood, but absolutely manic. Now, as I proceed with the rest

> of

> > > this story, let me say that I accept responsibility for the fact that I

> > > probably did not handle some things very well. But at the time I didn't

> know

> > > what I was dealing with. I thought I was dealing with my mother, but

> it's

> > > clear to me now that she was lost and locked away in a fortress of some

> kind

> > > of defense mechanism, be it BPD or otherwise.

> > >

> > > I noticed some strange compulsive and paranoid behaviors from my

> mother,

> > > and, when I was alone with my stepfather, I asked him how long she had

> been

> > > this way. He broke down and confided in me that things had gotten very

> out

> > > of hand and he wanted me to join in him in a discussion with her to ask

> her

> > > to get some help. I wasn't sure that was a good idea. My mother loves

> me,

> > > but she doesn't listen to me. When I was little I was the golden child

> but

> > > when I grew up I became the black sheep. I told him that he should

> enlist

> > > the help of my eldest brother, who was her current golden child. He

> didn't

> > > seem sure we could wait that long.

> > >

> > > Then the inevitable happened. I didn't know that she had become so

> paranoid

> > > and insecure that she eavesdropped on every conversation, but she heard

> him

> > > mention three words to me (I'm sure you can guess them): Borderline

> > > Personality Disorder. She went insane. She flew into a violent rage. My

> > > mother who never swears and is a " good Christian lady " was acting in a

> most

> > > unChristian fashion. She screamed and yelled for hours and hours about

> > > everything in the world, most of it unconnected and completely

> > > unintelligable. My stepfather did not engage her, he tried to be calm

> and

> > > reassure her, but she goaded me into answering back to one of her

> rants. I'm

> > > not going to lie and say I didn't take it personally. Of course, after

> > > reading so much, I get that it's not about me, but it still hurts. She

> > > became so violent that she was throwing things, and over the course of

> the

> > > rest of the weekend she tried to break things and succeeded in breaking

> a

> > > chair. Part of me wishes that we had called the County Sheriff when

> this

> > > happened because it was an opportunity to call attention to the

> problem.

> > > This all happened Christmas night.

> > >

> > > The next few days, her anger subsided but she was extremely irritable,

> with

> > > flashes of mania, hyperparanoid, and violent. It got to the point where

> no

> > > one in the house could speak to each other because of her paranoia and

> > > violent reactions. I know now this is probably what she wanted: to

> control

> > > us.

> > >

> > > I don't know if my brothers understand the extent of this problem. She

> > > didn't just get angry. She had, what I can only describe, is some kind

> of

> > > psychotic break from reality. Even now, almost a week later, she

> doesn't

> > > even seem to think it happened.

> > >

> > > I know that it's not her, it's this disorder that's making her behave

> this

> > > way. I know that it's not about me. But I'm angry and I'm hurt. And

> saying

> > > that it's caused by some disorder or illness doesn't make me less hurt

> or

> > > angry. I know that I should forgive her for the things that she said

> and

> > > what she did. And I do forgive her, but that doesn't help me feel any

> less

> > > angry.

> > >

> > > I know I can't make her seek treatment, and I know there are coping

> > > mechanisms I can use, but in all honesty, I am just so angry. I know

> many of

> > > you must know what I'm talking about. I'm glad to have found a place

> where

> > > others might have experienced what I'm going through now.

> > >

> > >

> > >

> >

> >

> >

[Guest guest]

Hey ,

Welcome,

I have one question - has she displayed these behaviors consistently but it

is worsening? Or is this an all new condition?

It seems to me (help me with this, Annie and group), that BPD is a lifelong

illness. It doesn't just suddenly appear after half a lifetime. My therapist

(T) says that someone with BPD can model others around them, but eventually

you see through the facade.

If this is brand spanking new behavior, and not a worsening of the same

behavior, I would wonder if she might have something else.

Eithe way, it is not acceptable.

Thoughts, guys?

Welcome, Girlscout

> Like you I hope your mom is able to get some help. It might be one heck of

> a fight though, I have no idea. You know her better than anyone!

>

> Like you said, it might be a risk. However, I personally don't feel you

> have anything to apologize for. You were discussing concerns about her

> with

> your step dad. If that upset her, sure, that's possible, but to go into a

> complete rage over it. Yikes. I think she needs to do some apologizing...

> but that probably won't happen if she does have BPD =(

>

> My biggest piece of advice for you right now with her violence is make sure

> you are safe. I also agree that your step dad should call the police if

> she

> starts behaving like that again.

>

> My nada used to throw things when I was younger. It was terrifying! Cups

> &

> glasses would go shattering into walls, etc.

>

> I hope she can get some help, but remember, it's ultimately her choice.

> Don't guilt yourself if she won't. You have to take care of you too so

> you

> can heal as well.

>

> Mia

>

> On Mon, Jan 3, 2011 at 12:45 PM, afldancer

> wrote:

>

> >

> >

> > Thank you for your kind words, Mia. Yes, my stepdad thinks she has BPD. I

> > need to have a conversation with him about it. When I left, he was going

> to

> > try and have a conversation with her doctor who is presribing her meds. I

> > want him to call the police next time she goes into a rage like that so

> she

> > can have a psych eval.

> >

> > I am contemplating, if I have the opportunity to have a conversation with

> > her when she is in a good mood, to bring up what happened. I have no

> > intention of mentioning BPD, only saying that it was clear to me that she

> > was extremely angry about many things and that I think she might find it

> > helpful to discuss that anger with a therapist so she can find ways to

> > express it to us without becoming violent. I want to come from a place of

> > understanding, but I feel like I need to try, at least once, to have this

> > conversation with her. I do not believe she is always clouded by this

> > thinking (although I could be in denial), and I hope that she and I can

> at

> > least have a conversation. If I don't feel like she's receptive, I won't

> > broach the idea of therapy but I will defininetly set up boundaries.

> >

> > I know that this might be a huge risk. But I know that maybe if I start

> by

> > apologizing about discussing her when she wasn't present and ask her to

> > accept that apology then maybe I will have the opportunity to express at

> the

> > very least my concern about her anger. I don't see that I have much to

> lose.

> > If she's unreceptive or gets angry, chances are she'll flip back to

> " nothing

> > is wrong " in a week.

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> > >

> > > >

> > > >

> > > > Hi all,

> > > >

> > > > I found this group while I was searching for information about

> > Borderline

> > > > Personality Disorder. Not being a licensed anything, I don't know if

> > this is

> > > > what has been affecting my mother, but in the past few days I've read

> > two

> > > > books and done nothing but research and it really seems to make

> sense.

> > > >

> > > > My mother has always been very moody, and, growing up, I always got

> > > > irritated with her because she always had to involve herself in

> > everything I

> > > > was doing at school. I remember once actually saying to her when my

> > 16th

> > > > birthday came around and she insisted on throwing a big party that I

> > did not

> > > > want " Can't I just have one thing that's about me? " I know that hurt

> > her

> > > > deeply. But I needed space. My parents fought all the time, and I

> could

> > > > never invite friends over. When I think back to it, most fights were

> > > > instigated by my mother. When she and my father divorced in my early

> > 20s,

> > > > she went through a deep depression (which I believe she sought

> > treatment

> > > > for) and my brothers and I lived with her in rotations doing unspoken

> > > > suicide watches. When she finally started to rebound, she married an

> > old

> > > > family friend, who had a young child. I tried to talk her out if it

> > because

> > > > I knew that she had been the eldest daughter growing up and had

> raised

> > her

> > > > brothers and sisters, that she had married at 17 and immediately had

> 3

> > > > children, and had never had any time to just be herself. I thought

> she

> > > > should enjoy her life now and not have to be responsible for someone

> > else or

> > > > tied down by someone else. Of course, in retrospect, I see now why

> > those

> > > > concerns fell on deaf ears.

> > > >

> > > > She remarried and moved to a rural area in the mountains. I believe

> > that

> > > > between the time of her depression and her marriage she had been

> > diagnosed

> > > > with bipolar disorder, although I'm not sure. I know she was taking

> > > > medication, but I'm also not sure what it was or what it's purpose

> was.

> > > > Anyhow, (I'm trying to summarize, so I'm skipping over some things)

> she

> > has

> > > > been remarried for a little less than a decade now. I thought things

> > were

> > > > going well for her--that she was finally finding some happiness,

> > besides the

> > > > strain of a custody battle over her new husband's son.

> > > >

> > > > I went to visit her for Christmas. I'm in California, so it was a

> very

> > > > expensive trip for me, but she had been complaining and begging me

> for

> > a

> > > > visit for a few years, so I saved the money and came out for a week.

> I

> > > > noticed things were off-kilter right away. She was manic the first

> two

> > days,

> > > > in a good mood, but absolutely manic. Now, as I proceed with the rest

> > of

> > > > this story, let me say that I accept responsibility for the fact that

> I

> > > > probably did not handle some things very well. But at the time I

> didn't

> > know

> > > > what I was dealing with. I thought I was dealing with my mother, but

> > it's

> > > > clear to me now that she was lost and locked away in a fortress of

> some

> > kind

> > > > of defense mechanism, be it BPD or otherwise.

> > > >

> > > > I noticed some strange compulsive and paranoid behaviors from my

> > mother,

> > > > and, when I was alone with my stepfather, I asked him how long she

> had

> > been

> > > > this way. He broke down and confided in me that things had gotten

> very

> > out

> > > > of hand and he wanted me to join in him in a discussion with her to

> ask

> > her

> > > > to get some help. I wasn't sure that was a good idea. My mother loves

> > me,

> > > > but she doesn't listen to me. When I was little I was the golden

> child

> > but

> > > > when I grew up I became the black sheep. I told him that he should

> > enlist

> > > > the help of my eldest brother, who was her current golden child. He

> > didn't

> > > > seem sure we could wait that long.

> > > >

> > > > Then the inevitable happened. I didn't know that she had become so

> > paranoid

> > > > and insecure that she eavesdropped on every conversation, but she

> heard

> > him

> > > > mention three words to me (I'm sure you can guess them): Borderline

> > > > Personality Disorder. She went insane. She flew into a violent rage.

> My

> > > > mother who never swears and is a " good Christian lady " was acting in

> a

> > most

> > > > unChristian fashion. She screamed and yelled for hours and hours

> about

> > > > everything in the world, most of it unconnected and completely

> > > > unintelligable. My stepfather did not engage her, he tried to be calm

> > and

> > > > reassure her, but she goaded me into answering back to one of her

> > rants. I'm

> > > > not going to lie and say I didn't take it personally. Of course,

> after

> > > > reading so much, I get that it's not about me, but it still hurts.

> She

> > > > became so violent that she was throwing things, and over the course

> of

> > the

> > > > rest of the weekend she tried to break things and succeeded in

> breaking

> > a

> > > > chair. Part of me wishes that we had called the County Sheriff when

> > this

> > > > happened because it was an opportunity to call attention to the

> > problem.

> > > > This all happened Christmas night.

> > > >

> > > > The next few days, her anger subsided but she was extremely

> irritable,

> > with

> > > > flashes of mania, hyperparanoid, and violent. It got to the point

> where

> > no

> > > > one in the house could speak to each other because of her paranoia

> and

> > > > violent reactions. I know now this is probably what she wanted: to

> > control

> > > > us.

> > > >

> > > > I don't know if my brothers understand the extent of this problem.

> She

> > > > didn't just get angry. She had, what I can only describe, is some

> kind

> > of

> > > > psychotic break from reality. Even now, almost a week later, she

> > doesn't

> > > > even seem to think it happened.

> > > >

> > > > I know that it's not her, it's this disorder that's making her behave

> > this

> > > > way. I know that it's not about me. But I'm angry and I'm hurt. And

> > saying

> > > > that it's caused by some disorder or illness doesn't make me less

> hurt

> > or

> > > > angry. I know that I should forgive her for the things that she said

> > and

> > > > what she did. And I do forgive her, but that doesn't help me feel any

> > less

> > > > angry.

> > > >

> > > > I know I can't make her seek treatment, and I know there are coping

> > > > mechanisms I can use, but in all honesty, I am just so angry. I know

> > many of

> > > > you must know what I'm talking about. I'm glad to have found a place

> > where

> > > > others might have experienced what I'm going through now.

> > > >

> > > >

> > > >

> > >

> > >

> > >