Re: Christmas turned into a Kafka-esque nightmare

[Guest guest]

Hi , sorry you had such an awful holiday. It sounds truly frightening

to me. It must have been so hard for you & you family to deal with.

Just know you're not alone. It's a long & crazy path that we all walk, but

we walk it together.

Your step dad seems to think she has BPD? It sounds like (and I might be

wrong) he has mentioned this to her before? Sounds very bad to me... the

way she reacted. Regardless if she's BPD, Bipolar or whatever, she's not in

a good place & is putting everyone around her in a frightening & dangerous

situation.

Wishing you lots of luck. Any idea if your step father is going to do

anything? If it's gotten this bad, personally I think it might be worth a

phone call to the psych hospital or 911 or something. It sounds like she

needs serious help. But if it is BPD don't be surprised if she won't seek

help on her own, that seems to be a common trend. It's really one heck of a

situation there.

Wish I had more advice for you. Just know you're not alone.

Mia

On Thu, Dec 30, 2010 at 8:36 PM, amanda.lipsey wrote:

>

>

> Hi all,

>

> I found this group while I was searching for information about Borderline

> Personality Disorder. Not being a licensed anything, I don't know if this is

> what has been affecting my mother, but in the past few days I've read two

> books and done nothing but research and it really seems to make sense.

>

> My mother has always been very moody, and, growing up, I always got

> irritated with her because she always had to involve herself in everything I

> was doing at school. I remember once actually saying to her when my 16th

> birthday came around and she insisted on throwing a big party that I did not

> want " Can't I just have one thing that's about me? " I know that hurt her

> deeply. But I needed space. My parents fought all the time, and I could

> never invite friends over. When I think back to it, most fights were

> instigated by my mother. When she and my father divorced in my early 20s,

> she went through a deep depression (which I believe she sought treatment

> for) and my brothers and I lived with her in rotations doing unspoken

> suicide watches. When she finally started to rebound, she married an old

> family friend, who had a young child. I tried to talk her out if it because

> I knew that she had been the eldest daughter growing up and had raised her

> brothers and sisters, that she had married at 17 and immediately had 3

> children, and had never had any time to just be herself. I thought she

> should enjoy her life now and not have to be responsible for someone else or

> tied down by someone else. Of course, in retrospect, I see now why those

> concerns fell on deaf ears.

>

> She remarried and moved to a rural area in the mountains. I believe that

> between the time of her depression and her marriage she had been diagnosed

> with bipolar disorder, although I'm not sure. I know she was taking

> medication, but I'm also not sure what it was or what it's purpose was.

> Anyhow, (I'm trying to summarize, so I'm skipping over some things) she has

> been remarried for a little less than a decade now. I thought things were

> going well for her--that she was finally finding some happiness, besides the

> strain of a custody battle over her new husband's son.

>

> I went to visit her for Christmas. I'm in California, so it was a very

> expensive trip for me, but she had been complaining and begging me for a

> visit for a few years, so I saved the money and came out for a week. I

> noticed things were off-kilter right away. She was manic the first two days,

> in a good mood, but absolutely manic. Now, as I proceed with the rest of

> this story, let me say that I accept responsibility for the fact that I

> probably did not handle some things very well. But at the time I didn't know

> what I was dealing with. I thought I was dealing with my mother, but it's

> clear to me now that she was lost and locked away in a fortress of some kind

> of defense mechanism, be it BPD or otherwise.

>

> I noticed some strange compulsive and paranoid behaviors from my mother,

> and, when I was alone with my stepfather, I asked him how long she had been

> this way. He broke down and confided in me that things had gotten very out

> of hand and he wanted me to join in him in a discussion with her to ask her

> to get some help. I wasn't sure that was a good idea. My mother loves me,

> but she doesn't listen to me. When I was little I was the golden child but

> when I grew up I became the black sheep. I told him that he should enlist

> the help of my eldest brother, who was her current golden child. He didn't

> seem sure we could wait that long.

>

> Then the inevitable happened. I didn't know that she had become so paranoid

> and insecure that she eavesdropped on every conversation, but she heard him

> mention three words to me (I'm sure you can guess them): Borderline

> Personality Disorder. She went insane. She flew into a violent rage. My

> mother who never swears and is a " good Christian lady " was acting in a most

> unChristian fashion. She screamed and yelled for hours and hours about

> everything in the world, most of it unconnected and completely

> unintelligable. My stepfather did not engage her, he tried to be calm and

> reassure her, but she goaded me into answering back to one of her rants. I'm

> not going to lie and say I didn't take it personally. Of course, after

> reading so much, I get that it's not about me, but it still hurts. She

> became so violent that she was throwing things, and over the course of the

> rest of the weekend she tried to break things and succeeded in breaking a

> chair. Part of me wishes that we had called the County Sheriff when this

> happened because it was an opportunity to call attention to the problem.

> This all happened Christmas night.

>

> The next few days, her anger subsided but she was extremely irritable, with

> flashes of mania, hyperparanoid, and violent. It got to the point where no

> one in the house could speak to each other because of her paranoia and

> violent reactions. I know now this is probably what she wanted: to control

> us.

>

> I don't know if my brothers understand the extent of this problem. She

> didn't just get angry. She had, what I can only describe, is some kind of

> psychotic break from reality. Even now, almost a week later, she doesn't

> even seem to think it happened.

>

> I know that it's not her, it's this disorder that's making her behave this

> way. I know that it's not about me. But I'm angry and I'm hurt. And saying

> that it's caused by some disorder or illness doesn't make me less hurt or

> angry. I know that I should forgive her for the things that she said and

> what she did. And I do forgive her, but that doesn't help me feel any less

> angry.

>

> I know I can't make her seek treatment, and I know there are coping

> mechanisms I can use, but in all honesty, I am just so angry. I know many of

> you must know what I'm talking about. I'm glad to have found a place where

> others might have experienced what I'm going through now.

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Hi , sorry you had such an awful holiday. It sounds truly frightening

to me. It must have been so hard for you & you family to deal with.

Just know you're not alone. It's a long & crazy path that we all walk, but

we walk it together.

Your step dad seems to think she has BPD? It sounds like (and I might be

wrong) he has mentioned this to her before? Sounds very bad to me... the

way she reacted. Regardless if she's BPD, Bipolar or whatever, she's not in

a good place & is putting everyone around her in a frightening & dangerous

situation.

Wishing you lots of luck. Any idea if your step father is going to do

anything? If it's gotten this bad, personally I think it might be worth a

phone call to the psych hospital or 911 or something. It sounds like she

needs serious help. But if it is BPD don't be surprised if she won't seek

help on her own, that seems to be a common trend. It's really one heck of a

situation there.

Wish I had more advice for you. Just know you're not alone.

Mia

On Thu, Dec 30, 2010 at 8:36 PM, amanda.lipsey wrote:

>

>

> Hi all,

>

> I found this group while I was searching for information about Borderline

> Personality Disorder. Not being a licensed anything, I don't know if this is

> what has been affecting my mother, but in the past few days I've read two

> books and done nothing but research and it really seems to make sense.

>

> My mother has always been very moody, and, growing up, I always got

> irritated with her because she always had to involve herself in everything I

> was doing at school. I remember once actually saying to her when my 16th

> birthday came around and she insisted on throwing a big party that I did not

> want " Can't I just have one thing that's about me? " I know that hurt her

> deeply. But I needed space. My parents fought all the time, and I could

> never invite friends over. When I think back to it, most fights were

> instigated by my mother. When she and my father divorced in my early 20s,

> she went through a deep depression (which I believe she sought treatment

> for) and my brothers and I lived with her in rotations doing unspoken

> suicide watches. When she finally started to rebound, she married an old

> family friend, who had a young child. I tried to talk her out if it because

> I knew that she had been the eldest daughter growing up and had raised her

> brothers and sisters, that she had married at 17 and immediately had 3

> children, and had never had any time to just be herself. I thought she

> should enjoy her life now and not have to be responsible for someone else or

> tied down by someone else. Of course, in retrospect, I see now why those

> concerns fell on deaf ears.

>

> She remarried and moved to a rural area in the mountains. I believe that

> between the time of her depression and her marriage she had been diagnosed

> with bipolar disorder, although I'm not sure. I know she was taking

> medication, but I'm also not sure what it was or what it's purpose was.

> Anyhow, (I'm trying to summarize, so I'm skipping over some things) she has

> been remarried for a little less than a decade now. I thought things were

> going well for her--that she was finally finding some happiness, besides the

> strain of a custody battle over her new husband's son.

>

> I went to visit her for Christmas. I'm in California, so it was a very

> expensive trip for me, but she had been complaining and begging me for a

> visit for a few years, so I saved the money and came out for a week. I

> noticed things were off-kilter right away. She was manic the first two days,

> in a good mood, but absolutely manic. Now, as I proceed with the rest of

> this story, let me say that I accept responsibility for the fact that I

> probably did not handle some things very well. But at the time I didn't know

> what I was dealing with. I thought I was dealing with my mother, but it's

> clear to me now that she was lost and locked away in a fortress of some kind

> of defense mechanism, be it BPD or otherwise.

>

> I noticed some strange compulsive and paranoid behaviors from my mother,

> and, when I was alone with my stepfather, I asked him how long she had been

> this way. He broke down and confided in me that things had gotten very out

> of hand and he wanted me to join in him in a discussion with her to ask her

> to get some help. I wasn't sure that was a good idea. My mother loves me,

> but she doesn't listen to me. When I was little I was the golden child but

> when I grew up I became the black sheep. I told him that he should enlist

> the help of my eldest brother, who was her current golden child. He didn't

> seem sure we could wait that long.

>

> Then the inevitable happened. I didn't know that she had become so paranoid

> and insecure that she eavesdropped on every conversation, but she heard him

> mention three words to me (I'm sure you can guess them): Borderline

> Personality Disorder. She went insane. She flew into a violent rage. My

> mother who never swears and is a " good Christian lady " was acting in a most

> unChristian fashion. She screamed and yelled for hours and hours about

> everything in the world, most of it unconnected and completely

> unintelligable. My stepfather did not engage her, he tried to be calm and

> reassure her, but she goaded me into answering back to one of her rants. I'm

> not going to lie and say I didn't take it personally. Of course, after

> reading so much, I get that it's not about me, but it still hurts. She

> became so violent that she was throwing things, and over the course of the

> rest of the weekend she tried to break things and succeeded in breaking a

> chair. Part of me wishes that we had called the County Sheriff when this

> happened because it was an opportunity to call attention to the problem.

> This all happened Christmas night.

>

> The next few days, her anger subsided but she was extremely irritable, with

> flashes of mania, hyperparanoid, and violent. It got to the point where no

> one in the house could speak to each other because of her paranoia and

> violent reactions. I know now this is probably what she wanted: to control

> us.

>

> I don't know if my brothers understand the extent of this problem. She

> didn't just get angry. She had, what I can only describe, is some kind of

> psychotic break from reality. Even now, almost a week later, she doesn't

> even seem to think it happened.

>

> I know that it's not her, it's this disorder that's making her behave this

> way. I know that it's not about me. But I'm angry and I'm hurt. And saying

> that it's caused by some disorder or illness doesn't make me less hurt or

> angry. I know that I should forgive her for the things that she said and

> what she did. And I do forgive her, but that doesn't help me feel any less

> angry.

>

> I know I can't make her seek treatment, and I know there are coping

> mechanisms I can use, but in all honesty, I am just so angry. I know many of

> you must know what I'm talking about. I'm glad to have found a place where

> others might have experienced what I'm going through now.

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Hi , sorry you had such an awful holiday. It sounds truly frightening

to me. It must have been so hard for you & you family to deal with.

Just know you're not alone. It's a long & crazy path that we all walk, but

we walk it together.

Your step dad seems to think she has BPD? It sounds like (and I might be

wrong) he has mentioned this to her before? Sounds very bad to me... the

way she reacted. Regardless if she's BPD, Bipolar or whatever, she's not in

a good place & is putting everyone around her in a frightening & dangerous

situation.

Wishing you lots of luck. Any idea if your step father is going to do

anything? If it's gotten this bad, personally I think it might be worth a

phone call to the psych hospital or 911 or something. It sounds like she

needs serious help. But if it is BPD don't be surprised if she won't seek

help on her own, that seems to be a common trend. It's really one heck of a

situation there.

Wish I had more advice for you. Just know you're not alone.

Mia

On Thu, Dec 30, 2010 at 8:36 PM, amanda.lipsey wrote:

>

>

> Hi all,

>

> I found this group while I was searching for information about Borderline

> Personality Disorder. Not being a licensed anything, I don't know if this is

> what has been affecting my mother, but in the past few days I've read two

> books and done nothing but research and it really seems to make sense.

>

> My mother has always been very moody, and, growing up, I always got

> irritated with her because she always had to involve herself in everything I

> was doing at school. I remember once actually saying to her when my 16th

> birthday came around and she insisted on throwing a big party that I did not

> want " Can't I just have one thing that's about me? " I know that hurt her

> deeply. But I needed space. My parents fought all the time, and I could

> never invite friends over. When I think back to it, most fights were

> instigated by my mother. When she and my father divorced in my early 20s,

> she went through a deep depression (which I believe she sought treatment

> for) and my brothers and I lived with her in rotations doing unspoken

> suicide watches. When she finally started to rebound, she married an old

> family friend, who had a young child. I tried to talk her out if it because

> I knew that she had been the eldest daughter growing up and had raised her

> brothers and sisters, that she had married at 17 and immediately had 3

> children, and had never had any time to just be herself. I thought she

> should enjoy her life now and not have to be responsible for someone else or

> tied down by someone else. Of course, in retrospect, I see now why those

> concerns fell on deaf ears.

>

> She remarried and moved to a rural area in the mountains. I believe that

> between the time of her depression and her marriage she had been diagnosed

> with bipolar disorder, although I'm not sure. I know she was taking

> medication, but I'm also not sure what it was or what it's purpose was.

> Anyhow, (I'm trying to summarize, so I'm skipping over some things) she has

> been remarried for a little less than a decade now. I thought things were

> going well for her--that she was finally finding some happiness, besides the

> strain of a custody battle over her new husband's son.

>

> I went to visit her for Christmas. I'm in California, so it was a very

> expensive trip for me, but she had been complaining and begging me for a

> visit for a few years, so I saved the money and came out for a week. I

> noticed things were off-kilter right away. She was manic the first two days,

> in a good mood, but absolutely manic. Now, as I proceed with the rest of

> this story, let me say that I accept responsibility for the fact that I

> probably did not handle some things very well. But at the time I didn't know

> what I was dealing with. I thought I was dealing with my mother, but it's

> clear to me now that she was lost and locked away in a fortress of some kind

> of defense mechanism, be it BPD or otherwise.

>

> I noticed some strange compulsive and paranoid behaviors from my mother,

> and, when I was alone with my stepfather, I asked him how long she had been

> this way. He broke down and confided in me that things had gotten very out

> of hand and he wanted me to join in him in a discussion with her to ask her

> to get some help. I wasn't sure that was a good idea. My mother loves me,

> but she doesn't listen to me. When I was little I was the golden child but

> when I grew up I became the black sheep. I told him that he should enlist

> the help of my eldest brother, who was her current golden child. He didn't

> seem sure we could wait that long.

>

> Then the inevitable happened. I didn't know that she had become so paranoid

> and insecure that she eavesdropped on every conversation, but she heard him

> mention three words to me (I'm sure you can guess them): Borderline

> Personality Disorder. She went insane. She flew into a violent rage. My

> mother who never swears and is a " good Christian lady " was acting in a most

> unChristian fashion. She screamed and yelled for hours and hours about

> everything in the world, most of it unconnected and completely

> unintelligable. My stepfather did not engage her, he tried to be calm and

> reassure her, but she goaded me into answering back to one of her rants. I'm

> not going to lie and say I didn't take it personally. Of course, after

> reading so much, I get that it's not about me, but it still hurts. She

> became so violent that she was throwing things, and over the course of the

> rest of the weekend she tried to break things and succeeded in breaking a

> chair. Part of me wishes that we had called the County Sheriff when this

> happened because it was an opportunity to call attention to the problem.

> This all happened Christmas night.

>

> The next few days, her anger subsided but she was extremely irritable, with

> flashes of mania, hyperparanoid, and violent. It got to the point where no

> one in the house could speak to each other because of her paranoia and

> violent reactions. I know now this is probably what she wanted: to control

> us.

>

> I don't know if my brothers understand the extent of this problem. She

> didn't just get angry. She had, what I can only describe, is some kind of

> psychotic break from reality. Even now, almost a week later, she doesn't

> even seem to think it happened.

>

> I know that it's not her, it's this disorder that's making her behave this

> way. I know that it's not about me. But I'm angry and I'm hurt. And saying

> that it's caused by some disorder or illness doesn't make me less hurt or

> angry. I know that I should forgive her for the things that she said and

> what she did. And I do forgive her, but that doesn't help me feel any less

> angry.

>

> I know I can't make her seek treatment, and I know there are coping

> mechanisms I can use, but in all honesty, I am just so angry. I know many of

> you must know what I'm talking about. I'm glad to have found a place where

> others might have experienced what I'm going through now.

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Thank you for your kind words, Mia. Yes, my stepdad thinks she has BPD. I need

to have a conversation with him about it. When I left, he was going to try and

have a conversation with her doctor who is presribing her meds. I want him to

call the police next time she goes into a rage like that so she can have a psych

eval.

I am contemplating, if I have the opportunity to have a conversation with her

when she is in a good mood, to bring up what happened. I have no intention of

mentioning BPD, only saying that it was clear to me that she was extremely angry

about many things and that I think she might find it helpful to discuss that

anger with a therapist so she can find ways to express it to us without becoming

violent. I want to come from a place of understanding, but I feel like I need to

try, at least once, to have this conversation with her. I do not believe she is

always clouded by this thinking (although I could be in denial), and I hope that

she and I can at least have a conversation. If I don't feel like she's

receptive, I won't broach the idea of therapy but I will defininetly set up

boundaries.

I know that this might be a huge risk. But I know that maybe if I start by

apologizing about discussing her when she wasn't present and ask her to accept

that apology then maybe I will have the opportunity to express at the very least

my concern about her anger. I don't see that I have much to lose. If she's

unreceptive or gets angry, chances are she'll flip back to " nothing is wrong " in

a week.

>

> >

> >

> > Hi all,

> >

> > I found this group while I was searching for information about Borderline

> > Personality Disorder. Not being a licensed anything, I don't know if this is

> > what has been affecting my mother, but in the past few days I've read two

> > books and done nothing but research and it really seems to make sense.

> >

> > My mother has always been very moody, and, growing up, I always got

> > irritated with her because she always had to involve herself in everything I

> > was doing at school. I remember once actually saying to her when my 16th

> > birthday came around and she insisted on throwing a big party that I did not

> > want " Can't I just have one thing that's about me? " I know that hurt her

> > deeply. But I needed space. My parents fought all the time, and I could

> > never invite friends over. When I think back to it, most fights were

> > instigated by my mother. When she and my father divorced in my early 20s,

> > she went through a deep depression (which I believe she sought treatment

> > for) and my brothers and I lived with her in rotations doing unspoken

> > suicide watches. When she finally started to rebound, she married an old

> > family friend, who had a young child. I tried to talk her out if it because

> > I knew that she had been the eldest daughter growing up and had raised her

> > brothers and sisters, that she had married at 17 and immediately had 3

> > children, and had never had any time to just be herself. I thought she

> > should enjoy her life now and not have to be responsible for someone else or

> > tied down by someone else. Of course, in retrospect, I see now why those

> > concerns fell on deaf ears.

> >

> > She remarried and moved to a rural area in the mountains. I believe that

> > between the time of her depression and her marriage she had been diagnosed

> > with bipolar disorder, although I'm not sure. I know she was taking

> > medication, but I'm also not sure what it was or what it's purpose was.

> > Anyhow, (I'm trying to summarize, so I'm skipping over some things) she has

> > been remarried for a little less than a decade now. I thought things were

> > going well for her--that she was finally finding some happiness, besides the

> > strain of a custody battle over her new husband's son.

> >

> > I went to visit her for Christmas. I'm in California, so it was a very

> > expensive trip for me, but she had been complaining and begging me for a

> > visit for a few years, so I saved the money and came out for a week. I

> > noticed things were off-kilter right away. She was manic the first two days,

> > in a good mood, but absolutely manic. Now, as I proceed with the rest of

> > this story, let me say that I accept responsibility for the fact that I

> > probably did not handle some things very well. But at the time I didn't know

> > what I was dealing with. I thought I was dealing with my mother, but it's

> > clear to me now that she was lost and locked away in a fortress of some kind

> > of defense mechanism, be it BPD or otherwise.

> >

> > I noticed some strange compulsive and paranoid behaviors from my mother,

> > and, when I was alone with my stepfather, I asked him how long she had been

> > this way. He broke down and confided in me that things had gotten very out

> > of hand and he wanted me to join in him in a discussion with her to ask her

> > to get some help. I wasn't sure that was a good idea. My mother loves me,

> > but she doesn't listen to me. When I was little I was the golden child but

> > when I grew up I became the black sheep. I told him that he should enlist

> > the help of my eldest brother, who was her current golden child. He didn't

> > seem sure we could wait that long.

> >

> > Then the inevitable happened. I didn't know that she had become so paranoid

> > and insecure that she eavesdropped on every conversation, but she heard him

> > mention three words to me (I'm sure you can guess them): Borderline

> > Personality Disorder. She went insane. She flew into a violent rage. My

> > mother who never swears and is a " good Christian lady " was acting in a most

> > unChristian fashion. She screamed and yelled for hours and hours about

> > everything in the world, most of it unconnected and completely

> > unintelligable. My stepfather did not engage her, he tried to be calm and

> > reassure her, but she goaded me into answering back to one of her rants. I'm

> > not going to lie and say I didn't take it personally. Of course, after

> > reading so much, I get that it's not about me, but it still hurts. She

> > became so violent that she was throwing things, and over the course of the

> > rest of the weekend she tried to break things and succeeded in breaking a

> > chair. Part of me wishes that we had called the County Sheriff when this

> > happened because it was an opportunity to call attention to the problem.

> > This all happened Christmas night.

> >

> > The next few days, her anger subsided but she was extremely irritable, with

> > flashes of mania, hyperparanoid, and violent. It got to the point where no

> > one in the house could speak to each other because of her paranoia and

> > violent reactions. I know now this is probably what she wanted: to control

> > us.

> >

> > I don't know if my brothers understand the extent of this problem. She

> > didn't just get angry. She had, what I can only describe, is some kind of

> > psychotic break from reality. Even now, almost a week later, she doesn't

> > even seem to think it happened.

> >

> > I know that it's not her, it's this disorder that's making her behave this

> > way. I know that it's not about me. But I'm angry and I'm hurt. And saying

> > that it's caused by some disorder or illness doesn't make me less hurt or

> > angry. I know that I should forgive her for the things that she said and

> > what she did. And I do forgive her, but that doesn't help me feel any less

> > angry.

> >

> > I know I can't make her seek treatment, and I know there are coping

> > mechanisms I can use, but in all honesty, I am just so angry. I know many of

> > you must know what I'm talking about. I'm glad to have found a place where

> > others might have experienced what I'm going through now.

> >

> >

> >

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Thank you for your kind words, Mia. Yes, my stepdad thinks she has BPD. I need

to have a conversation with him about it. When I left, he was going to try and

have a conversation with her doctor who is presribing her meds. I want him to

call the police next time she goes into a rage like that so she can have a psych

eval.

I am contemplating, if I have the opportunity to have a conversation with her

when she is in a good mood, to bring up what happened. I have no intention of

mentioning BPD, only saying that it was clear to me that she was extremely angry

about many things and that I think she might find it helpful to discuss that

anger with a therapist so she can find ways to express it to us without becoming

violent. I want to come from a place of understanding, but I feel like I need to

try, at least once, to have this conversation with her. I do not believe she is

always clouded by this thinking (although I could be in denial), and I hope that

she and I can at least have a conversation. If I don't feel like she's

receptive, I won't broach the idea of therapy but I will defininetly set up

boundaries.

I know that this might be a huge risk. But I know that maybe if I start by

apologizing about discussing her when she wasn't present and ask her to accept

that apology then maybe I will have the opportunity to express at the very least

my concern about her anger. I don't see that I have much to lose. If she's

unreceptive or gets angry, chances are she'll flip back to " nothing is wrong " in

a week.

>

> >

> >

> > Hi all,

> >

> > I found this group while I was searching for information about Borderline

> > Personality Disorder. Not being a licensed anything, I don't know if this is

> > what has been affecting my mother, but in the past few days I've read two

> > books and done nothing but research and it really seems to make sense.

> >

> > My mother has always been very moody, and, growing up, I always got

> > irritated with her because she always had to involve herself in everything I

> > was doing at school. I remember once actually saying to her when my 16th

> > birthday came around and she insisted on throwing a big party that I did not

> > want " Can't I just have one thing that's about me? " I know that hurt her

> > deeply. But I needed space. My parents fought all the time, and I could

> > never invite friends over. When I think back to it, most fights were

> > instigated by my mother. When she and my father divorced in my early 20s,

> > she went through a deep depression (which I believe she sought treatment

> > for) and my brothers and I lived with her in rotations doing unspoken

> > suicide watches. When she finally started to rebound, she married an old

> > family friend, who had a young child. I tried to talk her out if it because

> > I knew that she had been the eldest daughter growing up and had raised her

> > brothers and sisters, that she had married at 17 and immediately had 3

> > children, and had never had any time to just be herself. I thought she

> > should enjoy her life now and not have to be responsible for someone else or

> > tied down by someone else. Of course, in retrospect, I see now why those

> > concerns fell on deaf ears.

> >

> > She remarried and moved to a rural area in the mountains. I believe that

> > between the time of her depression and her marriage she had been diagnosed

> > with bipolar disorder, although I'm not sure. I know she was taking

> > medication, but I'm also not sure what it was or what it's purpose was.

> > Anyhow, (I'm trying to summarize, so I'm skipping over some things) she has

> > been remarried for a little less than a decade now. I thought things were

> > going well for her--that she was finally finding some happiness, besides the

> > strain of a custody battle over her new husband's son.

> >

> > I went to visit her for Christmas. I'm in California, so it was a very

> > expensive trip for me, but she had been complaining and begging me for a

> > visit for a few years, so I saved the money and came out for a week. I

> > noticed things were off-kilter right away. She was manic the first two days,

> > in a good mood, but absolutely manic. Now, as I proceed with the rest of

> > this story, let me say that I accept responsibility for the fact that I

> > probably did not handle some things very well. But at the time I didn't know

> > what I was dealing with. I thought I was dealing with my mother, but it's

> > clear to me now that she was lost and locked away in a fortress of some kind

> > of defense mechanism, be it BPD or otherwise.

> >

> > I noticed some strange compulsive and paranoid behaviors from my mother,

> > and, when I was alone with my stepfather, I asked him how long she had been

> > this way. He broke down and confided in me that things had gotten very out

> > of hand and he wanted me to join in him in a discussion with her to ask her

> > to get some help. I wasn't sure that was a good idea. My mother loves me,

> > but she doesn't listen to me. When I was little I was the golden child but

> > when I grew up I became the black sheep. I told him that he should enlist

> > the help of my eldest brother, who was her current golden child. He didn't

> > seem sure we could wait that long.

> >

> > Then the inevitable happened. I didn't know that she had become so paranoid

> > and insecure that she eavesdropped on every conversation, but she heard him

> > mention three words to me (I'm sure you can guess them): Borderline

> > Personality Disorder. She went insane. She flew into a violent rage. My

> > mother who never swears and is a " good Christian lady " was acting in a most

> > unChristian fashion. She screamed and yelled for hours and hours about

> > everything in the world, most of it unconnected and completely

> > unintelligable. My stepfather did not engage her, he tried to be calm and

> > reassure her, but she goaded me into answering back to one of her rants. I'm

> > not going to lie and say I didn't take it personally. Of course, after

> > reading so much, I get that it's not about me, but it still hurts. She

> > became so violent that she was throwing things, and over the course of the

> > rest of the weekend she tried to break things and succeeded in breaking a

> > chair. Part of me wishes that we had called the County Sheriff when this

> > happened because it was an opportunity to call attention to the problem.

> > This all happened Christmas night.

> >

> > The next few days, her anger subsided but she was extremely irritable, with

> > flashes of mania, hyperparanoid, and violent. It got to the point where no

> > one in the house could speak to each other because of her paranoia and

> > violent reactions. I know now this is probably what she wanted: to control

> > us.

> >

> > I don't know if my brothers understand the extent of this problem. She

> > didn't just get angry. She had, what I can only describe, is some kind of

> > psychotic break from reality. Even now, almost a week later, she doesn't

> > even seem to think it happened.

> >

> > I know that it's not her, it's this disorder that's making her behave this

> > way. I know that it's not about me. But I'm angry and I'm hurt. And saying

> > that it's caused by some disorder or illness doesn't make me less hurt or

> > angry. I know that I should forgive her for the things that she said and

> > what she did. And I do forgive her, but that doesn't help me feel any less

> > angry.

> >

> > I know I can't make her seek treatment, and I know there are coping

> > mechanisms I can use, but in all honesty, I am just so angry. I know many of

> > you must know what I'm talking about. I'm glad to have found a place where

> > others might have experienced what I'm going through now.

> >

> >

> >

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Welcome to the Group, . I'm so sorry, what a frightening and traumatic

episode you experienced with your mother.

I'm no psychologist either, but from what I've read, it's possible that your

mother has more than one mental illness at the same time.

The rage and paranoia sound like borderline pd. Its also possible for meds to

interact badly with each other or with alcohol and cause bizarre reactions, and

there are other things like traumatic brain injury that can alter a person's

behaviors. Her behaviors do appear to be extreme and alarming. I feel so sorry

for her husband.

My only suggestion is to urge your mother's husband to educate himself about

personality disorder, and seek a consultation for himself with a psychologist

for advice on what to do if your mother has a pattern of these explosive and

dangerous rages. What a sad, scary situation to be living in, and no wonder you

were frightened and angry.

I hope your mother will choose to get the psychiatric help she needs for her

sake as well as yours and her husband's.

-Annie

>

> Hi all,

>

> I found this group while I was searching for information about Borderline

Personality Disorder. Not being a licensed anything, I don't know if this is

what has been affecting my mother, but in the past few days I've read two books

and done nothing but research and it really seems to make sense.

>

> My mother has always been very moody, and, growing up, I always got irritated

with her because she always had to involve herself in everything I was doing at

school. I remember once actually saying to her when my 16th birthday came

around and she insisted on throwing a big party that I did not want " Can't I

just have one thing that's about me? " I know that hurt her deeply. But I needed

space. My parents fought all the time, and I could never invite friends over.

When I think back to it, most fights were instigated by my mother. When she and

my father divorced in my early 20s, she went through a deep depression (which I

believe she sought treatment for) and my brothers and I lived with her in

rotations doing unspoken suicide watches. When she finally started to rebound,

she married an old family friend, who had a young child. I tried to talk her out

if it because I knew that she had been the eldest daughter growing up and had

raised her brothers and sisters, that she had married at 17 and immediately had

3 children, and had never had any time to just be herself. I thought she should

enjoy her life now and not have to be responsible for someone else or tied down

by someone else. Of course, in retrospect, I see now why those concerns fell on

deaf ears.

>

> She remarried and moved to a rural area in the mountains. I believe that

between the time of her depression and her marriage she had been diagnosed with

bipolar disorder, although I'm not sure. I know she was taking medication, but

I'm also not sure what it was or what it's purpose was. Anyhow, (I'm trying to

summarize, so I'm skipping over some things) she has been remarried for a little

less than a decade now. I thought things were going well for her--that she was

finally finding some happiness, besides the strain of a custody battle over her

new husband's son.

>

> I went to visit her for Christmas. I'm in California, so it was a very

expensive trip for me, but she had been complaining and begging me for a visit

for a few years, so I saved the money and came out for a week. I noticed things

were off-kilter right away. She was manic the first two days, in a good mood,

but absolutely manic. Now, as I proceed with the rest of this story, let me say

that I accept responsibility for the fact that I probably did not handle some

things very well. But at the time I didn't know what I was dealing with. I

thought I was dealing with my mother, but it's clear to me now that she was lost

and locked away in a fortress of some kind of defense mechanism, be it BPD or

otherwise.

>

> I noticed some strange compulsive and paranoid behaviors from my mother, and,

when I was alone with my stepfather, I asked him how long she had been this way.

He broke down and confided in me that things had gotten very out of hand and he

wanted me to join in him in a discussion with her to ask her to get some help. I

wasn't sure that was a good idea. My mother loves me, but she doesn't listen to

me. When I was little I was the golden child but when I grew up I became the

black sheep. I told him that he should enlist the help of my eldest brother, who

was her current golden child. He didn't seem sure we could wait that long.

>

> Then the inevitable happened. I didn't know that she had become so paranoid

and insecure that she eavesdropped on every conversation, but she heard him

mention three words to me (I'm sure you can guess them): Borderline Personality

Disorder. She went insane. She flew into a violent rage. My mother who never

swears and is a " good Christian lady " was acting in a most unChristian fashion.

She screamed and yelled for hours and hours about everything in the world, most

of it unconnected and completely unintelligable. My stepfather did not engage

her, he tried to be calm and reassure her, but she goaded me into answering back

to one of her rants. I'm not going to lie and say I didn't take it personally.

Of course, after reading so much, I get that it's not about me, but it still

hurts. She became so violent that she was throwing things, and over the course

of the rest of the weekend she tried to break things and succeeded in breaking a

chair. Part of me wishes that we had called the County Sheriff when this

happened because it was an opportunity to call attention to the problem. This

all happened Christmas night.

>

> The next few days, her anger subsided but she was extremely irritable, with

flashes of mania, hyperparanoid, and violent. It got to the point where no one

in the house could speak to each other because of her paranoia and violent

reactions. I know now this is probably what she wanted: to control us.

>

> I don't know if my brothers understand the extent of this problem. She didn't

just get angry. She had, what I can only describe, is some kind of psychotic

break from reality. Even now, almost a week later, she doesn't even seem to

think it happened.

>

> I know that it's not her, it's this disorder that's making her behave this

way. I know that it's not about me. But I'm angry and I'm hurt. And saying that

it's caused by some disorder or illness doesn't make me less hurt or angry. I

know that I should forgive her for the things that she said and what she did.

And I do forgive her, but that doesn't help me feel any less angry.

>

> I know I can't make her seek treatment, and I know there are coping mechanisms

I can use, but in all honesty, I am just so angry. I know many of you must know

what I'm talking about. I'm glad to have found a place where others might have

experienced what I'm going through now.

>

[Guest guest]

Hi Girlscout,

This behavior has been ongoing but it has definitely reached new heights, so to

speak. I believe (although I don't know for certain) that she has been

previously diagnosed with both major depression and bipolar disorder. Also, I,

or we, have reason to believe that she experienced sexual abuse from a sibling

as a child, which her mother ignored and refused to protect her from, that she

(my mother) has been refusing to deal with pretty much her whole life. I

personally think that her " condition " has worsened due to many changes in her

life over the past few years--she moved to a rural town in the mountains and

left all her former friends behind; she has had trouble finding a job; she feels

isolated, not just a result of whatever is going on in her brain but physically

she is isolated; when she remarried she took on a young stepson who was about 6

or 7 at the time and he will be 13 now soon, and I think that his puberty is

triggering some of her issues with the brother that abused her.

According to my father (her first husband), these rages were common when I was

growing up. And I do remember them, it's just that I remember them as fights

because my father would argue back with her. At one point in my life she

actually ruined my relationship with him by turning me against him and telling

me all the sordid details of their marriage (I understand that's sort of

textbook BPD mom behavior).

Like I said, I don't know if it's BPD, and maybe I've been in denial about it my

whole life (I wouldn't be surprised at that), but it's definitely a problem. It

could also be her medication--I think she recently had a change in her

medication that I think she takes either for depression or bipolar. But the

shifts in mood are so swift, I'm not sure it's bipolar, and I wonder if it's not

a misdiagnosis and the drugs have made it worse? I do think that she knows

something is wrong. The day I left I overheard her on the phone trying to

schedule an appointment to have her medication checked. Of course, I have no

idea what medication or for what, so it could have been migraine medication for

all I know.

My stepdad, who lives with her 24/7, seems pretty sure that it's BPD. I live

3000 miles away and she generally only talks to me when she's feeling good, so

you can bet the whole episode was shocking for me.

Also, about modeling behavior, one thing I always noticed about my mother is

that she never really had her own identity. She would take on the personality of

any group of people she was around. For example, when we moved to Florida when I

was 14, I became involved with my friend's church youth group. My mom (she

always had to be involved in what I was going, grrr) got involved at the church

as well, and her behavior changed from workaholic mom to nice Christian lady

(nevermind that my dad is Jewish). Her identity would change with whatever

environment we were in. It was weird. I used to say I could convince my mom that

the sky was falling if enough people would concur with me.

> > >

> > > >

> > > > >

> > > > >

> > > > > Hi all,

> > > > >

> > > > > I found this group while I was searching for information about

> > > Borderline

> > > > > Personality Disorder. Not being a licensed anything, I don't know if

> > > this is

> > > > > what has been affecting my mother, but in the past few days I've read

> > > two

> > > > > books and done nothing but research and it really seems to make

> > sense.

> > > > >

> > > > > My mother has always been very moody, and, growing up, I always got

> > > > > irritated with her because she always had to involve herself in

> > > everything I

> > > > > was doing at school. I remember once actually saying to her when my

> > > 16th

> > > > > birthday came around and she insisted on throwing a big party that I

> > > did not

> > > > > want " Can't I just have one thing that's about me? " I know that hurt

> > > her

> > > > > deeply. But I needed space. My parents fought all the time, and I

> > could

> > > > > never invite friends over. When I think back to it, most fights were

> > > > > instigated by my mother. When she and my father divorced in my early

> > > 20s,

> > > > > she went through a deep depression (which I believe she sought

> > > treatment

> > > > > for) and my brothers and I lived with her in rotations doing unspoken

> > > > > suicide watches. When she finally started to rebound, she married an

> > > old

> > > > > family friend, who had a young child. I tried to talk her out if it

> > > because

> > > > > I knew that she had been the eldest daughter growing up and had

> > raised

> > > her

> > > > > brothers and sisters, that she had married at 17 and immediately had

> > 3

> > > > > children, and had never had any time to just be herself. I thought

> > she

> > > > > should enjoy her life now and not have to be responsible for someone

> > > else or

> > > > > tied down by someone else. Of course, in retrospect, I see now why

> > > those

> > > > > concerns fell on deaf ears.

> > > > >

> > > > > She remarried and moved to a rural area in the mountains. I believe

> > > that

> > > > > between the time of her depression and her marriage she had been

> > > diagnosed

> > > > > with bipolar disorder, although I'm not sure. I know she was taking

> > > > > medication, but I'm also not sure what it was or what it's purpose

> > was.

> > > > > Anyhow, (I'm trying to summarize, so I'm skipping over some things)

> > she

> > > has

> > > > > been remarried for a little less than a decade now. I thought things

> > > were

> > > > > going well for her--that she was finally finding some happiness,

> > > besides the

> > > > > strain of a custody battle over her new husband's son.

> > > > >

> > > > > I went to visit her for Christmas. I'm in California, so it was a

> > very

> > > > > expensive trip for me, but she had been complaining and begging me

> > for

> > > a

> > > > > visit for a few years, so I saved the money and came out for a week.

> > I

> > > > > noticed things were off-kilter right away. She was manic the first

> > two

> > > days,

> > > > > in a good mood, but absolutely manic. Now, as I proceed with the rest

> > > of

> > > > > this story, let me say that I accept responsibility for the fact that

> > I

> > > > > probably did not handle some things very well. But at the time I

> > didn't

> > > know

> > > > > what I was dealing with. I thought I was dealing with my mother, but

> > > it's

> > > > > clear to me now that she was lost and locked away in a fortress of

> > some

> > > kind

> > > > > of defense mechanism, be it BPD or otherwise.

> > > > >

> > > > > I noticed some strange compulsive and paranoid behaviors from my

> > > mother,

> > > > > and, when I was alone with my stepfather, I asked him how long she

> > had

> > > been

> > > > > this way. He broke down and confided in me that things had gotten

> > very

> > > out

> > > > > of hand and he wanted me to join in him in a discussion with her to

> > ask

> > > her

> > > > > to get some help. I wasn't sure that was a good idea. My mother loves

> > > me,

> > > > > but she doesn't listen to me. When I was little I was the golden

> > child

> > > but

> > > > > when I grew up I became the black sheep. I told him that he should

> > > enlist

> > > > > the help of my eldest brother, who was her current golden child. He

> > > didn't

> > > > > seem sure we could wait that long.

> > > > >

> > > > > Then the inevitable happened. I didn't know that she had become so

> > > paranoid

> > > > > and insecure that she eavesdropped on every conversation, but she

> > heard

> > > him

> > > > > mention three words to me (I'm sure you can guess them): Borderline

> > > > > Personality Disorder. She went insane. She flew into a violent rage.

> > My

> > > > > mother who never swears and is a " good Christian lady " was acting in

> > a

> > > most

> > > > > unChristian fashion. She screamed and yelled for hours and hours

> > about

> > > > > everything in the world, most of it unconnected and completely

> > > > > unintelligable. My stepfather did not engage her, he tried to be calm

> > > and

> > > > > reassure her, but she goaded me into answering back to one of her

> > > rants. I'm

> > > > > not going to lie and say I didn't take it personally. Of course,

> > after

> > > > > reading so much, I get that it's not about me, but it still hurts.

> > She

> > > > > became so violent that she was throwing things, and over the course

> > of

> > > the

> > > > > rest of the weekend she tried to break things and succeeded in

> > breaking

> > > a

> > > > > chair. Part of me wishes that we had called the County Sheriff when

> > > this

> > > > > happened because it was an opportunity to call attention to the

> > > problem.

> > > > > This all happened Christmas night.

> > > > >

> > > > > The next few days, her anger subsided but she was extremely

> > irritable,

> > > with

> > > > > flashes of mania, hyperparanoid, and violent. It got to the point

> > where

> > > no

> > > > > one in the house could speak to each other because of her paranoia

> > and

> > > > > violent reactions. I know now this is probably what she wanted: to

> > > control

> > > > > us.

> > > > >

> > > > > I don't know if my brothers understand the extent of this problem.

> > She

> > > > > didn't just get angry. She had, what I can only describe, is some

> > kind

> > > of

> > > > > psychotic break from reality. Even now, almost a week later, she

> > > doesn't

> > > > > even seem to think it happened.

> > > > >

> > > > > I know that it's not her, it's this disorder that's making her behave

> > > this

> > > > > way. I know that it's not about me. But I'm angry and I'm hurt. And

> > > saying

> > > > > that it's caused by some disorder or illness doesn't make me less

> > hurt

> > > or

> > > > > angry. I know that I should forgive her for the things that she said

> > > and

> > > > > what she did. And I do forgive her, but that doesn't help me feel any

> > > less

> > > > > angry.

> > > > >

> > > > > I know I can't make her seek treatment, and I know there are coping

> > > > > mechanisms I can use, but in all honesty, I am just so angry. I know

> > > many of

> > > > > you must know what I'm talking about. I'm glad to have found a place

> > > where

> > > > > others might have experienced what I'm going through now.

> > > > >

> > > > >

> > > > >

> > > >

> > > >

> > > >

[Guest guest]

Hi Girlscout,

This behavior has been ongoing but it has definitely reached new heights, so to

speak. I believe (although I don't know for certain) that she has been

previously diagnosed with both major depression and bipolar disorder. Also, I,

or we, have reason to believe that she experienced sexual abuse from a sibling

as a child, which her mother ignored and refused to protect her from, that she

(my mother) has been refusing to deal with pretty much her whole life. I

personally think that her " condition " has worsened due to many changes in her

life over the past few years--she moved to a rural town in the mountains and

left all her former friends behind; she has had trouble finding a job; she feels

isolated, not just a result of whatever is going on in her brain but physically

she is isolated; when she remarried she took on a young stepson who was about 6

or 7 at the time and he will be 13 now soon, and I think that his puberty is

triggering some of her issues with the brother that abused her.

According to my father (her first husband), these rages were common when I was

growing up. And I do remember them, it's just that I remember them as fights

because my father would argue back with her. At one point in my life she

actually ruined my relationship with him by turning me against him and telling

me all the sordid details of their marriage (I understand that's sort of

textbook BPD mom behavior).

Like I said, I don't know if it's BPD, and maybe I've been in denial about it my

whole life (I wouldn't be surprised at that), but it's definitely a problem. It

could also be her medication--I think she recently had a change in her

medication that I think she takes either for depression or bipolar. But the

shifts in mood are so swift, I'm not sure it's bipolar, and I wonder if it's not

a misdiagnosis and the drugs have made it worse? I do think that she knows

something is wrong. The day I left I overheard her on the phone trying to

schedule an appointment to have her medication checked. Of course, I have no

idea what medication or for what, so it could have been migraine medication for

all I know.

My stepdad, who lives with her 24/7, seems pretty sure that it's BPD. I live

3000 miles away and she generally only talks to me when she's feeling good, so

you can bet the whole episode was shocking for me.

Also, about modeling behavior, one thing I always noticed about my mother is

that she never really had her own identity. She would take on the personality of

any group of people she was around. For example, when we moved to Florida when I

was 14, I became involved with my friend's church youth group. My mom (she

always had to be involved in what I was going, grrr) got involved at the church

as well, and her behavior changed from workaholic mom to nice Christian lady

(nevermind that my dad is Jewish). Her identity would change with whatever

environment we were in. It was weird. I used to say I could convince my mom that

the sky was falling if enough people would concur with me.

> > >

> > > >

> > > > >

> > > > >

> > > > > Hi all,

> > > > >

> > > > > I found this group while I was searching for information about

> > > Borderline

> > > > > Personality Disorder. Not being a licensed anything, I don't know if

> > > this is

> > > > > what has been affecting my mother, but in the past few days I've read

> > > two

> > > > > books and done nothing but research and it really seems to make

> > sense.

> > > > >

> > > > > My mother has always been very moody, and, growing up, I always got

> > > > > irritated with her because she always had to involve herself in

> > > everything I

> > > > > was doing at school. I remember once actually saying to her when my

> > > 16th

> > > > > birthday came around and she insisted on throwing a big party that I

> > > did not

> > > > > want " Can't I just have one thing that's about me? " I know that hurt

> > > her

> > > > > deeply. But I needed space. My parents fought all the time, and I

> > could

> > > > > never invite friends over. When I think back to it, most fights were

> > > > > instigated by my mother. When she and my father divorced in my early

> > > 20s,

> > > > > she went through a deep depression (which I believe she sought

> > > treatment

> > > > > for) and my brothers and I lived with her in rotations doing unspoken

> > > > > suicide watches. When she finally started to rebound, she married an

> > > old

> > > > > family friend, who had a young child. I tried to talk her out if it

> > > because

> > > > > I knew that she had been the eldest daughter growing up and had

> > raised

> > > her

> > > > > brothers and sisters, that she had married at 17 and immediately had

> > 3

> > > > > children, and had never had any time to just be herself. I thought

> > she

> > > > > should enjoy her life now and not have to be responsible for someone

> > > else or

> > > > > tied down by someone else. Of course, in retrospect, I see now why

> > > those

> > > > > concerns fell on deaf ears.

> > > > >

> > > > > She remarried and moved to a rural area in the mountains. I believe

> > > that

> > > > > between the time of her depression and her marriage she had been

> > > diagnosed

> > > > > with bipolar disorder, although I'm not sure. I know she was taking

> > > > > medication, but I'm also not sure what it was or what it's purpose

> > was.

> > > > > Anyhow, (I'm trying to summarize, so I'm skipping over some things)

> > she

> > > has

> > > > > been remarried for a little less than a decade now. I thought things

> > > were

> > > > > going well for her--that she was finally finding some happiness,

> > > besides the

> > > > > strain of a custody battle over her new husband's son.

> > > > >

> > > > > I went to visit her for Christmas. I'm in California, so it was a

> > very

> > > > > expensive trip for me, but she had been complaining and begging me

> > for

> > > a

> > > > > visit for a few years, so I saved the money and came out for a week.

> > I

> > > > > noticed things were off-kilter right away. She was manic the first

> > two

> > > days,

> > > > > in a good mood, but absolutely manic. Now, as I proceed with the rest

> > > of

> > > > > this story, let me say that I accept responsibility for the fact that

> > I

> > > > > probably did not handle some things very well. But at the time I

> > didn't

> > > know

> > > > > what I was dealing with. I thought I was dealing with my mother, but

> > > it's

> > > > > clear to me now that she was lost and locked away in a fortress of

> > some

> > > kind

> > > > > of defense mechanism, be it BPD or otherwise.

> > > > >

> > > > > I noticed some strange compulsive and paranoid behaviors from my

> > > mother,

> > > > > and, when I was alone with my stepfather, I asked him how long she

> > had

> > > been

> > > > > this way. He broke down and confided in me that things had gotten

> > very

> > > out

> > > > > of hand and he wanted me to join in him in a discussion with her to

> > ask

> > > her

> > > > > to get some help. I wasn't sure that was a good idea. My mother loves

> > > me,

> > > > > but she doesn't listen to me. When I was little I was the golden

> > child

> > > but

> > > > > when I grew up I became the black sheep. I told him that he should

> > > enlist

> > > > > the help of my eldest brother, who was her current golden child. He

> > > didn't

> > > > > seem sure we could wait that long.

> > > > >

> > > > > Then the inevitable happened. I didn't know that she had become so

> > > paranoid

> > > > > and insecure that she eavesdropped on every conversation, but she

> > heard

> > > him

> > > > > mention three words to me (I'm sure you can guess them): Borderline

> > > > > Personality Disorder. She went insane. She flew into a violent rage.

> > My

> > > > > mother who never swears and is a " good Christian lady " was acting in

> > a

> > > most

> > > > > unChristian fashion. She screamed and yelled for hours and hours

> > about

> > > > > everything in the world, most of it unconnected and completely

> > > > > unintelligable. My stepfather did not engage her, he tried to be calm

> > > and

> > > > > reassure her, but she goaded me into answering back to one of her

> > > rants. I'm

> > > > > not going to lie and say I didn't take it personally. Of course,

> > after

> > > > > reading so much, I get that it's not about me, but it still hurts.

> > She

> > > > > became so violent that she was throwing things, and over the course

> > of

> > > the

> > > > > rest of the weekend she tried to break things and succeeded in

> > breaking

> > > a

> > > > > chair. Part of me wishes that we had called the County Sheriff when

> > > this

> > > > > happened because it was an opportunity to call attention to the

> > > problem.

> > > > > This all happened Christmas night.

> > > > >

> > > > > The next few days, her anger subsided but she was extremely

> > irritable,

> > > with

> > > > > flashes of mania, hyperparanoid, and violent. It got to the point

> > where

> > > no

> > > > > one in the house could speak to each other because of her paranoia

> > and

> > > > > violent reactions. I know now this is probably what she wanted: to

> > > control

> > > > > us.

> > > > >

> > > > > I don't know if my brothers understand the extent of this problem.

> > She

> > > > > didn't just get angry. She had, what I can only describe, is some

> > kind

> > > of

> > > > > psychotic break from reality. Even now, almost a week later, she

> > > doesn't

> > > > > even seem to think it happened.

> > > > >

> > > > > I know that it's not her, it's this disorder that's making her behave

> > > this

> > > > > way. I know that it's not about me. But I'm angry and I'm hurt. And

> > > saying

> > > > > that it's caused by some disorder or illness doesn't make me less

> > hurt

> > > or

> > > > > angry. I know that I should forgive her for the things that she said

> > > and

> > > > > what she did. And I do forgive her, but that doesn't help me feel any

> > > less

> > > > > angry.

> > > > >

> > > > > I know I can't make her seek treatment, and I know there are coping

> > > > > mechanisms I can use, but in all honesty, I am just so angry. I know

> > > many of

> > > > > you must know what I'm talking about. I'm glad to have found a place

> > > where

> > > > > others might have experienced what I'm going through now.

> > > > >

> > > > >

> > > > >

> > > >

> > > >

> > > >

[Guest guest]

Hi Girlscout,

This behavior has been ongoing but it has definitely reached new heights, so to

speak. I believe (although I don't know for certain) that she has been

previously diagnosed with both major depression and bipolar disorder. Also, I,

or we, have reason to believe that she experienced sexual abuse from a sibling

as a child, which her mother ignored and refused to protect her from, that she

(my mother) has been refusing to deal with pretty much her whole life. I

personally think that her " condition " has worsened due to many changes in her

life over the past few years--she moved to a rural town in the mountains and

left all her former friends behind; she has had trouble finding a job; she feels

isolated, not just a result of whatever is going on in her brain but physically

she is isolated; when she remarried she took on a young stepson who was about 6

or 7 at the time and he will be 13 now soon, and I think that his puberty is

triggering some of her issues with the brother that abused her.

According to my father (her first husband), these rages were common when I was

growing up. And I do remember them, it's just that I remember them as fights

because my father would argue back with her. At one point in my life she

actually ruined my relationship with him by turning me against him and telling

me all the sordid details of their marriage (I understand that's sort of

textbook BPD mom behavior).

Like I said, I don't know if it's BPD, and maybe I've been in denial about it my

whole life (I wouldn't be surprised at that), but it's definitely a problem. It

could also be her medication--I think she recently had a change in her

medication that I think she takes either for depression or bipolar. But the

shifts in mood are so swift, I'm not sure it's bipolar, and I wonder if it's not

a misdiagnosis and the drugs have made it worse? I do think that she knows

something is wrong. The day I left I overheard her on the phone trying to

schedule an appointment to have her medication checked. Of course, I have no

idea what medication or for what, so it could have been migraine medication for

all I know.

My stepdad, who lives with her 24/7, seems pretty sure that it's BPD. I live

3000 miles away and she generally only talks to me when she's feeling good, so

you can bet the whole episode was shocking for me.

Also, about modeling behavior, one thing I always noticed about my mother is

that she never really had her own identity. She would take on the personality of

any group of people she was around. For example, when we moved to Florida when I

was 14, I became involved with my friend's church youth group. My mom (she

always had to be involved in what I was going, grrr) got involved at the church

as well, and her behavior changed from workaholic mom to nice Christian lady

(nevermind that my dad is Jewish). Her identity would change with whatever

environment we were in. It was weird. I used to say I could convince my mom that

the sky was falling if enough people would concur with me.

> > >

> > > >

> > > > >

> > > > >

> > > > > Hi all,

> > > > >

> > > > > I found this group while I was searching for information about

> > > Borderline

> > > > > Personality Disorder. Not being a licensed anything, I don't know if

> > > this is

> > > > > what has been affecting my mother, but in the past few days I've read

> > > two

> > > > > books and done nothing but research and it really seems to make

> > sense.

> > > > >

> > > > > My mother has always been very moody, and, growing up, I always got

> > > > > irritated with her because she always had to involve herself in

> > > everything I

> > > > > was doing at school. I remember once actually saying to her when my

> > > 16th

> > > > > birthday came around and she insisted on throwing a big party that I

> > > did not

> > > > > want " Can't I just have one thing that's about me? " I know that hurt

> > > her

> > > > > deeply. But I needed space. My parents fought all the time, and I

> > could

> > > > > never invite friends over. When I think back to it, most fights were

> > > > > instigated by my mother. When she and my father divorced in my early

> > > 20s,

> > > > > she went through a deep depression (which I believe she sought

> > > treatment

> > > > > for) and my brothers and I lived with her in rotations doing unspoken

> > > > > suicide watches. When she finally started to rebound, she married an

> > > old

> > > > > family friend, who had a young child. I tried to talk her out if it

> > > because

> > > > > I knew that she had been the eldest daughter growing up and had

> > raised

> > > her

> > > > > brothers and sisters, that she had married at 17 and immediately had

> > 3

> > > > > children, and had never had any time to just be herself. I thought

> > she

> > > > > should enjoy her life now and not have to be responsible for someone

> > > else or

> > > > > tied down by someone else. Of course, in retrospect, I see now why

> > > those

> > > > > concerns fell on deaf ears.

> > > > >

> > > > > She remarried and moved to a rural area in the mountains. I believe

> > > that

> > > > > between the time of her depression and her marriage she had been

> > > diagnosed

> > > > > with bipolar disorder, although I'm not sure. I know she was taking

> > > > > medication, but I'm also not sure what it was or what it's purpose

> > was.

> > > > > Anyhow, (I'm trying to summarize, so I'm skipping over some things)

> > she

> > > has

> > > > > been remarried for a little less than a decade now. I thought things

> > > were

> > > > > going well for her--that she was finally finding some happiness,

> > > besides the

> > > > > strain of a custody battle over her new husband's son.

> > > > >

> > > > > I went to visit her for Christmas. I'm in California, so it was a

> > very

> > > > > expensive trip for me, but she had been complaining and begging me

> > for

> > > a

> > > > > visit for a few years, so I saved the money and came out for a week.

> > I

> > > > > noticed things were off-kilter right away. She was manic the first

> > two

> > > days,

> > > > > in a good mood, but absolutely manic. Now, as I proceed with the rest

> > > of

> > > > > this story, let me say that I accept responsibility for the fact that

> > I

> > > > > probably did not handle some things very well. But at the time I

> > didn't

> > > know

> > > > > what I was dealing with. I thought I was dealing with my mother, but

> > > it's

> > > > > clear to me now that she was lost and locked away in a fortress of

> > some

> > > kind

> > > > > of defense mechanism, be it BPD or otherwise.

> > > > >

> > > > > I noticed some strange compulsive and paranoid behaviors from my

> > > mother,

> > > > > and, when I was alone with my stepfather, I asked him how long she

> > had

> > > been

> > > > > this way. He broke down and confided in me that things had gotten

> > very

> > > out

> > > > > of hand and he wanted me to join in him in a discussion with her to

> > ask

> > > her

> > > > > to get some help. I wasn't sure that was a good idea. My mother loves

> > > me,

> > > > > but she doesn't listen to me. When I was little I was the golden

> > child

> > > but

> > > > > when I grew up I became the black sheep. I told him that he should

> > > enlist

> > > > > the help of my eldest brother, who was her current golden child. He

> > > didn't

> > > > > seem sure we could wait that long.

> > > > >

> > > > > Then the inevitable happened. I didn't know that she had become so

> > > paranoid

> > > > > and insecure that she eavesdropped on every conversation, but she

> > heard

> > > him

> > > > > mention three words to me (I'm sure you can guess them): Borderline

> > > > > Personality Disorder. She went insane. She flew into a violent rage.

> > My

> > > > > mother who never swears and is a " good Christian lady " was acting in

> > a

> > > most

> > > > > unChristian fashion. She screamed and yelled for hours and hours

> > about

> > > > > everything in the world, most of it unconnected and completely

> > > > > unintelligable. My stepfather did not engage her, he tried to be calm

> > > and

> > > > > reassure her, but she goaded me into answering back to one of her

> > > rants. I'm

> > > > > not going to lie and say I didn't take it personally. Of course,

> > after

> > > > > reading so much, I get that it's not about me, but it still hurts.

> > She

> > > > > became so violent that she was throwing things, and over the course

> > of

> > > the

> > > > > rest of the weekend she tried to break things and succeeded in

> > breaking

> > > a

> > > > > chair. Part of me wishes that we had called the County Sheriff when

> > > this

> > > > > happened because it was an opportunity to call attention to the

> > > problem.

> > > > > This all happened Christmas night.

> > > > >

> > > > > The next few days, her anger subsided but she was extremely

> > irritable,

> > > with

> > > > > flashes of mania, hyperparanoid, and violent. It got to the point

> > where

> > > no

> > > > > one in the house could speak to each other because of her paranoia

> > and

> > > > > violent reactions. I know now this is probably what she wanted: to

> > > control

> > > > > us.

> > > > >

> > > > > I don't know if my brothers understand the extent of this problem.

> > She

> > > > > didn't just get angry. She had, what I can only describe, is some

> > kind

> > > of

> > > > > psychotic break from reality. Even now, almost a week later, she

> > > doesn't

> > > > > even seem to think it happened.

> > > > >

> > > > > I know that it's not her, it's this disorder that's making her behave

> > > this

> > > > > way. I know that it's not about me. But I'm angry and I'm hurt. And

> > > saying

> > > > > that it's caused by some disorder or illness doesn't make me less

> > hurt

> > > or

> > > > > angry. I know that I should forgive her for the things that she said

> > > and

> > > > > what she did. And I do forgive her, but that doesn't help me feel any

> > > less

> > > > > angry.

> > > > >

> > > > > I know I can't make her seek treatment, and I know there are coping

> > > > > mechanisms I can use, but in all honesty, I am just so angry. I know

> > > many of

> > > > > you must know what I'm talking about. I'm glad to have found a place

> > > where

> > > > > others might have experienced what I'm going through now.

> > > > >

> > > > >

> > > > >

> > > >

> > > >

> > > >