Re: BPD's can control their behavior?

January 3, 2011

I think some aspects of personality disorder are not under the individual's

conscious control, and that's the cognitive distortion, the emotional

dysregulation, and the transient breaks with reality.

But I think that on a moment-by-moment basis we as human beings do have control

over how we react to things, whatever the emotional context.

At any moment when my nada was building up a rage or even was suddenly triggered

into a rage she could have chosen to go walk outside and calm down, hit a

pillow, anything, but she never did. It was more important to her to dump her

rage on her helpless, terrified, screaming little children and " relieve "

herself. She even knew that doing that to us was wrong, because half the time

she'd turn weepy and beg us for forgiveness afterward. (The other half of the

time she'd act like nothing had just happened, and was even perky and cheerful.)

She sure as hell chose to " rein in " her rage at work and at her neighbors,

though. She was obsequious and deferential to any authority figure,

particularly if it was a male. My nada would try charming her way out of a

traffic ticket instead of screaming in mindless rage at an officer, I can tell

you. Instead, she'd scream at me after the fact.

I also think that lying, manipulative behaviors, and revenge behaviors take

planning which requires volition: an act of choice or will. I believe my nada

actively chooses to lie, to manipulate and to exact revenge or punish those who

have thwarted or disrespected her.

And its all because whatever my nada wants and needs and feels is more important

than anyone else's needs or feelings. Always.

But that's just my opinion, based on my nada's behaviors. I'm sure other nadas

have different ranges of behaviors or are lower-functioning or have other

co-morbidities. My nada I believe has narcissistic pd and some antisocial pd

traits and some obsessive-compulsive personality disorder traits as well as the

emotional dysregulation of bpd.

-Annie

> >

> > Part of what complicates this question is that there are big individual

variations amongst BPD's. We often write here about " nada " often as if we all

have the same mother the similarities sometimes are so startling. But there are

differences in level of functioning, severity of the abuse, and context.

> >

> > This is just my opinion based on my own experience of thirty years of

chronic depression and observing the personality disorders within my own family.

There is a range in which a person's free will can act, but the range can be

determined and limited by factors outside of their control. The person's

genetics, unique brain chemistry/structure, their formative experiences all go

into determining what that free will range is.

> >

> > So let's say there's a nada who puts on a nice face in public and let's fly

with the FOG in private - this part seems pretty universal for most of us.

Perhaps it is in the very nature of BPD that they will do exactly that with a

vulnerable person who they have control over? And you could say well she could

exercise free will and not FOG her kid but perhaps that is the only way she

*can* relate to a dependent other because of the threat that person represents

to her. A need to control/own those who are close and appease those who are

not....a need which may have been put in place by factors the BPD never did

control.

> >

> > Just my musings,

> >

>

January 3, 2011

Annie, I agree with what you said about some PDs not under the person's

control.

I also think your nada sounds A LOT like mine. She was high functioning.

She sure could control herself at work, and like your nada... she would

come home & take it out on me when she had a bad day. She was very good at

knowing who she could be herself around... and as I was that person, dear

god it was terrifying. The way she was at work (I actually worked there for

a few months) was kind of sickening. She was sort of... catty? I don't

know, but she would gossip a lot. She has a very skewed view on life and on

people around her. That was my observation anyway.

Now that I'm NC with her, I often wonder what she's like. Did she convert

into a waif? " Oh poor me, my daughter's so awful she won't have anything to

do with me! " Or is she finally showing her true self to someone else, like a

step sibling? Or possibly one of their kids. That thought scares me BIG

TIME. No children should be subject to that woman!

Sometimes I wish I could be a fly on a wall to see how she behaves now.

Who's getting the brunt of her rage? Or like I said, did she turn to the

waif?

My nada didn't do the charming thing though. I never saw her try to be what

I would call charming. Maybe because I could see through it, knew it was

fake? No clue. Like you, I also believe that my nada planned a lot of her

actions. I honestly wonder if that crosses into antisocial pd a bit... i

think sometimes she thought of ways to set me up (like once finding some

small bottles of liquor in my room that I did NOT put there! I just know in

my heart it was her setting me up to prove her point to step dad that I was

a bad child). So yes, I do believe she actively choses to lie, manipulate &

get her revenge for whatever imaginary wrong she's imagined.

God I hope I never run into my nada.... really. I'm sure she's probably

planned her revenge on me in the form of my death. Yes, I am that scared of

her.

I think she has traits of BPD, Antisocial PD & OCD. I'm not sure about

narcissistic. By the way, did you hear they are taking NPD out of the DSM

in 2013? I think that's a huge mistake.

Mia

On Mon, Jan 3, 2011 at 12:45 PM, anuria67854 wrote:

>

> I think some aspects of personality disorder are not under the individual's

> conscious control, and that's the cognitive distortion, the emotional

> dysregulation, and the transient breaks with reality.

>

> But I think that on a moment-by-moment basis we as human beings do have

> control over how we react to things, whatever the emotional context.

>

> At any moment when my nada was building up a rage or even was suddenly

> triggered into a rage she could have chosen to go walk outside and calm

> down, hit a pillow, anything, but she never did. It was more important to

> her to dump her rage on her helpless, terrified, screaming little children

> and " relieve " herself. She even knew that doing that to us was wrong,

> because half the time she'd turn weepy and beg us for forgiveness afterward.

> (The other half of the time she'd act like nothing had just happened, and

> was even perky and cheerful.) She sure as hell chose to " rein in " her rage

> at work and at her neighbors, though. She was obsequious and deferential to

> any authority figure, particularly if it was a male. My nada would try

> charming her way out of a traffic ticket instead of screaming in mindless

> rage at an officer, I can tell you. Instead, she'd scream at me after the

> fact.

>

> I also think that lying, manipulative behaviors, and revenge behaviors take

> planning which requires volition: an act of choice or will. I believe my

> nada actively chooses to lie, to manipulate and to exact revenge or punish

> those who have thwarted or disrespected her.

>

> And its all because whatever my nada wants and needs and feels is more

> important than anyone else's needs or feelings. Always.

>

> But that's just my opinion, based on my nada's behaviors. I'm sure other

> nadas have different ranges of behaviors or are lower-functioning or have

> other co-morbidities. My nada I believe has narcissistic pd and some

> antisocial pd traits and some obsessive-compulsive personality disorder

> traits as well as the emotional dysregulation of bpd.

>

> -Annie

>

January 3, 2011