Re: Do you think it's possible?...

[Guest guest]

yes, i think this is very possible, and doesn't make you a 'nut case' in the

least.. when we experience terrible childhood events we often deal with them by

denial and repression and dissociation.. that is how we get thru the original

event without totally losing it.. and as we get slowly stronger the memories

will come back to us.. but only when we are ready.  don't worry your mind and

body will protect you until you are strong enuf to remember again.  this has

been my experience anyways.. good luck.blessings, ann

Subject: Do you think it's possible?...

To: WTOAdultChildren1

Date: Monday, January 3, 2011, 10:00 AM

 

Just another thought here...

Do you think it's possible that in some cases we really do suppress

memories? I think so, but I'm not entirely sure (at least not for me).

I know that I have experienced situations, even ones that seem harmless,

that have suddenly triggered a memory that seemed lost & forgotten. And

I'll stop & go " Hmm... that's odd/interesting/awful. " I'll know it's mine,

and I know it's real. But I guess I fear that other people won't believe

me. I don't know if any of it makes sense. I've shared some of these rare

randomly triggered memories with my T and she has never used the words

" suppressed memory " or whatever. She just listens. But she's never made me

feel like I'm making it up either. I don't know.

I've had this feeling for some time that there is really something terrible

in the " back of my mind " that I just flat out blocked. Don't ask me what it

is because I don't know. But I don't like the feeling of it, nor do I know

if it's " real " . I think my T suspects something blocked too because from

October to the end of December. I get really down down down. I asked her if

she thought I had seasonal affective disorder, she said, " No. I think

something probably happened around that time for you that's triggering you

to feel depressed. " That just makes me feel more strange about that feeling

of having some terrible thing blocked out of my memory.

The only significant things that happen from october to December are my

birthday & then of course the holidays.

Ok, now just ship me off to the hospital or something. I've obviously lost

it and feel like a real nut right now.

*sigh* Mia

[Guest guest]

yes, i think this is very possible, and doesn't make you a 'nut case' in the

least.. when we experience terrible childhood events we often deal with them by

denial and repression and dissociation.. that is how we get thru the original

event without totally losing it.. and as we get slowly stronger the memories

will come back to us.. but only when we are ready.  don't worry your mind and

body will protect you until you are strong enuf to remember again.  this has

been my experience anyways.. good luck.blessings, ann

Subject: Do you think it's possible?...

To: WTOAdultChildren1

Date: Monday, January 3, 2011, 10:00 AM

 

Just another thought here...

Do you think it's possible that in some cases we really do suppress

memories? I think so, but I'm not entirely sure (at least not for me).

I know that I have experienced situations, even ones that seem harmless,

that have suddenly triggered a memory that seemed lost & forgotten. And

I'll stop & go " Hmm... that's odd/interesting/awful. " I'll know it's mine,

and I know it's real. But I guess I fear that other people won't believe

me. I don't know if any of it makes sense. I've shared some of these rare

randomly triggered memories with my T and she has never used the words

" suppressed memory " or whatever. She just listens. But she's never made me

feel like I'm making it up either. I don't know.

I've had this feeling for some time that there is really something terrible

in the " back of my mind " that I just flat out blocked. Don't ask me what it

is because I don't know. But I don't like the feeling of it, nor do I know

if it's " real " . I think my T suspects something blocked too because from

October to the end of December. I get really down down down. I asked her if

she thought I had seasonal affective disorder, she said, " No. I think

something probably happened around that time for you that's triggering you

to feel depressed. " That just makes me feel more strange about that feeling

of having some terrible thing blocked out of my memory.

The only significant things that happen from october to December are my

birthday & then of course the holidays.

Ok, now just ship me off to the hospital or something. I've obviously lost

it and feel like a real nut right now.

*sigh* Mia

[Guest guest]

yes, i think this is very possible, and doesn't make you a 'nut case' in the

least.. when we experience terrible childhood events we often deal with them by

denial and repression and dissociation.. that is how we get thru the original

event without totally losing it.. and as we get slowly stronger the memories

will come back to us.. but only when we are ready.  don't worry your mind and

body will protect you until you are strong enuf to remember again.  this has

been my experience anyways.. good luck.blessings, ann

Subject: Do you think it's possible?...

To: WTOAdultChildren1

Date: Monday, January 3, 2011, 10:00 AM

 

Just another thought here...

Do you think it's possible that in some cases we really do suppress

memories? I think so, but I'm not entirely sure (at least not for me).

I know that I have experienced situations, even ones that seem harmless,

that have suddenly triggered a memory that seemed lost & forgotten. And

I'll stop & go " Hmm... that's odd/interesting/awful. " I'll know it's mine,

and I know it's real. But I guess I fear that other people won't believe

me. I don't know if any of it makes sense. I've shared some of these rare

randomly triggered memories with my T and she has never used the words

" suppressed memory " or whatever. She just listens. But she's never made me

feel like I'm making it up either. I don't know.

I've had this feeling for some time that there is really something terrible

in the " back of my mind " that I just flat out blocked. Don't ask me what it

is because I don't know. But I don't like the feeling of it, nor do I know

if it's " real " . I think my T suspects something blocked too because from

October to the end of December. I get really down down down. I asked her if

she thought I had seasonal affective disorder, she said, " No. I think

something probably happened around that time for you that's triggering you

to feel depressed. " That just makes me feel more strange about that feeling

of having some terrible thing blocked out of my memory.

The only significant things that happen from october to December are my

birthday & then of course the holidays.

Ok, now just ship me off to the hospital or something. I've obviously lost

it and feel like a real nut right now.

*sigh* Mia

[Guest guest]

Thans Ann. Glad to hear I'm not alone, not so glad to hear others go

through it too.

Mia

>

>

> yes, i think this is very possible, and doesn't make you a 'nut case' in

> the least.. when we experience terrible childhood events we often deal with

> them by denial and repression and dissociation.. that is how we get thru the

> original event without totally losing it.. and as we get slowly stronger the

> memories will come back to us.. but only when we are ready. don't worry

> your mind and body will protect you until you are strong enuf to remember

> again. this has been my experience anyways.. good luck.blessings, ann

>

>

>

> From: Justi3 <zobimia@... <zobimia%40gmail.com>>

> Subject: Do you think it's possible?...

> To: WTOAdultChildren1 <WTOAdultChildren1%40yahoogroups.com>

> Date: Monday, January 3, 2011, 10:00 AM

>

>

>

>

> Just another thought here...

>

> Do you think it's possible that in some cases we really do suppress

>

> memories? I think so, but I'm not entirely sure (at least not for me).

>

> I know that I have experienced situations, even ones that seem harmless,

>

> that have suddenly triggered a memory that seemed lost & forgotten. And

>

> I'll stop & go " Hmm... that's odd/interesting/awful. " I'll know it's mine,

>

> and I know it's real. But I guess I fear that other people won't believe

>

> me. I don't know if any of it makes sense. I've shared some of these rare

>

> randomly triggered memories with my T and she has never used the words

>

> " suppressed memory " or whatever. She just listens. But she's never made me

>

> feel like I'm making it up either. I don't know.

>

> I've had this feeling for some time that there is really something terrible

>

> in the " back of my mind " that I just flat out blocked. Don't ask me what it

>

> is because I don't know. But I don't like the feeling of it, nor do I know

>

> if it's " real " . I think my T suspects something blocked too because from

>

> October to the end of December. I get really down down down. I asked her if

>

> she thought I had seasonal affective disorder, she said, " No. I think

>

> something probably happened around that time for you that's triggering you

>

> to feel depressed. " That just makes me feel more strange about that feeling

>

> of having some terrible thing blocked out of my memory.

>

> The only significant things that happen from october to December are my

>

> birthday & then of course the holidays.

>

> Ok, now just ship me off to the hospital or something. I've obviously lost

>

> it and feel like a real nut right now.

>

> *sigh* Mia

>

>

[Guest guest]

Thans Ann. Glad to hear I'm not alone, not so glad to hear others go

through it too.

Mia

>

>

> yes, i think this is very possible, and doesn't make you a 'nut case' in

> the least.. when we experience terrible childhood events we often deal with

> them by denial and repression and dissociation.. that is how we get thru the

> original event without totally losing it.. and as we get slowly stronger the

> memories will come back to us.. but only when we are ready. don't worry

> your mind and body will protect you until you are strong enuf to remember

> again. this has been my experience anyways.. good luck.blessings, ann

>

>

>

> From: Justi3 <zobimia@... <zobimia%40gmail.com>>

> Subject: Do you think it's possible?...

> To: WTOAdultChildren1 <WTOAdultChildren1%40yahoogroups.com>

> Date: Monday, January 3, 2011, 10:00 AM

>

>

>

>

> Just another thought here...

>

> Do you think it's possible that in some cases we really do suppress

>

> memories? I think so, but I'm not entirely sure (at least not for me).

>

> I know that I have experienced situations, even ones that seem harmless,

>

> that have suddenly triggered a memory that seemed lost & forgotten. And

>

> I'll stop & go " Hmm... that's odd/interesting/awful. " I'll know it's mine,

>

> and I know it's real. But I guess I fear that other people won't believe

>

> me. I don't know if any of it makes sense. I've shared some of these rare

>

> randomly triggered memories with my T and she has never used the words

>

> " suppressed memory " or whatever. She just listens. But she's never made me

>

> feel like I'm making it up either. I don't know.

>

> I've had this feeling for some time that there is really something terrible

>

> in the " back of my mind " that I just flat out blocked. Don't ask me what it

>

> is because I don't know. But I don't like the feeling of it, nor do I know

>

> if it's " real " . I think my T suspects something blocked too because from

>

> October to the end of December. I get really down down down. I asked her if

>

> she thought I had seasonal affective disorder, she said, " No. I think

>

> something probably happened around that time for you that's triggering you

>

> to feel depressed. " That just makes me feel more strange about that feeling

>

> of having some terrible thing blocked out of my memory.

>

> The only significant things that happen from october to December are my

>

> birthday & then of course the holidays.

>

> Ok, now just ship me off to the hospital or something. I've obviously lost

>

> it and feel like a real nut right now.

>

> *sigh* Mia

>

>

[Guest guest]

Thans Ann. Glad to hear I'm not alone, not so glad to hear others go

through it too.

Mia

>

>

> yes, i think this is very possible, and doesn't make you a 'nut case' in

> the least.. when we experience terrible childhood events we often deal with

> them by denial and repression and dissociation.. that is how we get thru the

> original event without totally losing it.. and as we get slowly stronger the

> memories will come back to us.. but only when we are ready. don't worry

> your mind and body will protect you until you are strong enuf to remember

> again. this has been my experience anyways.. good luck.blessings, ann

>

>

>

> From: Justi3 <zobimia@... <zobimia%40gmail.com>>

> Subject: Do you think it's possible?...

> To: WTOAdultChildren1 <WTOAdultChildren1%40yahoogroups.com>

> Date: Monday, January 3, 2011, 10:00 AM

>

>

>

>

> Just another thought here...

>

> Do you think it's possible that in some cases we really do suppress

>

> memories? I think so, but I'm not entirely sure (at least not for me).

>

> I know that I have experienced situations, even ones that seem harmless,

>

> that have suddenly triggered a memory that seemed lost & forgotten. And

>

> I'll stop & go " Hmm... that's odd/interesting/awful. " I'll know it's mine,

>

> and I know it's real. But I guess I fear that other people won't believe

>

> me. I don't know if any of it makes sense. I've shared some of these rare

>

> randomly triggered memories with my T and she has never used the words

>

> " suppressed memory " or whatever. She just listens. But she's never made me

>

> feel like I'm making it up either. I don't know.

>

> I've had this feeling for some time that there is really something terrible

>

> in the " back of my mind " that I just flat out blocked. Don't ask me what it

>

> is because I don't know. But I don't like the feeling of it, nor do I know

>

> if it's " real " . I think my T suspects something blocked too because from

>

> October to the end of December. I get really down down down. I asked her if

>

> she thought I had seasonal affective disorder, she said, " No. I think

>

> something probably happened around that time for you that's triggering you

>

> to feel depressed. " That just makes me feel more strange about that feeling

>

> of having some terrible thing blocked out of my memory.

>

> The only significant things that happen from october to December are my

>

> birthday & then of course the holidays.

>

> Ok, now just ship me off to the hospital or something. I've obviously lost

>

> it and feel like a real nut right now.

>

> *sigh* Mia

>

>

[Guest guest]

I agree with everything Ann said,that was very well put.

I know for sure that it's possible to suppress memory.My case is too

complicated to go into detail without writing a book but it sounds like you've

got a really great therapist who knows what she's doing.I know there's that

whole controversy about " false memories " aka " repressed memories " and while I

have no doubt that unfortunately there are unethical therapists out there,it

makes me angry to hear about " repressed memory " being called non existent as if

there is no such thing.

One thing that happened to me was that the lack of mirroring from nada

and fada was so total and so severe that I often repressed painful events--I

simply had nowhere to put them.

One hopefully brief example of how that worked is with my best friend

who drowned when we were five.She actually drowned in highly suspicious

circumstances,in the company of an older girl who was a psycho,but it was

classified as a tragic accident.

The only " discussion " nada ever had with me about it was to shove a

newspaper in my face after Ellen's body had been found in the local creek and

scream at me, " There! You see! She's dead! " because I was continuing to say that

it all had to be a mistake: I was in denial.

I had no way of processing my grief or even of thinking about what had

happened since my feelings about it didn't matter to anyone,AT ALL.

One day when I was eight I was with my grandmother in her car driving

to her house on a Sunday afternoon and we drove over the bridge that went over

the creek.There were police cars/fire trucks on the side of the road and gawkers

standing around.Out in the creek there were rescue personnel in a boat using

grappling hooks.

Automatically,I freaked.I had no conscious memory whatsoever of what

had happened to Ellen--I wasn't even thinking about her.I just had this

automatic reaction that I didn't connect to Ellen at all,and didn't until I

thought about this later as an adult.

I demanded that my grandmother stop the car so I could get out and

watch.She refused and told me I didn't want to see that,it was clear someone had

possibly drowned.I started screaming that I KNEW someone had drowned and that

was why I wanted to watch,I wanted to see if they found the body,I wanted to

see.

She got very angry with me for being so horrible and so creepy,to want

to actually watch a body being retrieved from the creek.She was very disgusted

with me.

I was in tears.I felt like something horrible was going to happen if

I didn't find out for sure whether or not somebody had drowned.I felt like I was

going crazy and I felt like I just couldn't bear this absolute horror I

felt.Again,these were raw feelings and I made no connection at all to Ellen.

I was extremely upset all day.I felt like I was having a waking

nightmare,but the specific link to that specific memory of Ellen drowning didn't

come up.On the ride home I insisted that we drive past the creek because my

grandmother was going a different way and she got very angry with me again and

disgusted again that I STILL wanted to " watch " .I was in tears again and kept

saying, " You don't understand,I HAVE to see,you don't understand,I HAVE to

see... "

She yelled at me that no,I certainly did not have to see that and as

punishment for my outrageous tantrum she wasn't going to have me over to her

house the next Sunday.

When we got home,she told my parents what I had done and said to

them, " There's somthing wrong with her,I've never seen her like this,it's very

disturbing that she'd be so fascinated with somebody drowning,there's something

wrong with her... "

Yeah,well,they both knew that lol.Of course there was something wrong

with me,there wans't anything wrong with *them*!

None of them remembered that my best friend had drowned in that creek

and that might have something to do with my extreme reaction because I doubt any

of them even remembered,my experiences were of zero importance.

In my early twenties when I was allowing myself to remember the

things that had happened to me that whole thing with Ellen seemed like it must

be some weird thing I had made up.Did I really have a friend who had drowned?

I went to the library and looked it up on microfiche,half expecting to

find nothing although I swore I remembered nada shoving a newspaper in my

face.And there it was: several newspaper articles from when she was missing

until she was found,exactly as I remembered it,even down to the time of year and

what the weather had been like.And the photos of her: she even looked the way I

was remembering my friend.I sat there and cried,for the first time,finally able

to grieve.

For years I completely repressed all memories of Ellen and of that

psycho girl,as if none of it had ever happened.But it had,all of it.

>

> Just another thought here...

>

> Do you think it's possible that in some cases we really do suppress

> memories? I think so, but I'm not entirely sure (at least not for me).

>

> I know that I have experienced situations, even ones that seem harmless,

> that have suddenly triggered a memory that seemed lost & forgotten. And

> I'll stop & go " Hmm... that's odd/interesting/awful. " I'll know it's mine,

> and I know it's real. But I guess I fear that other people won't believe

> me. I don't know if any of it makes sense. I've shared some of these rare

> randomly triggered memories with my T and she has never used the words

> " suppressed memory " or whatever. She just listens. But she's never made me

> feel like I'm making it up either. I don't know.

>

> I've had this feeling for some time that there is really something terrible

> in the " back of my mind " that I just flat out blocked. Don't ask me what it

> is because I don't know. But I don't like the feeling of it, nor do I know

> if it's " real " . I think my T suspects something blocked too because from

> October to the end of December. I get really down down down. I asked her if

> she thought I had seasonal affective disorder, she said, " No. I think

> something probably happened around that time for you that's triggering you

> to feel depressed. " That just makes me feel more strange about that feeling

> of having some terrible thing blocked out of my memory.

>

> The only significant things that happen from october to December are my

> birthday & then of course the holidays.

>

> Ok, now just ship me off to the hospital or something. I've obviously lost

> it and feel like a real nut right now.

>

> *sigh* Mia

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

I agree with everything Ann said,that was very well put.

I know for sure that it's possible to suppress memory.My case is too

complicated to go into detail without writing a book but it sounds like you've

got a really great therapist who knows what she's doing.I know there's that

whole controversy about " false memories " aka " repressed memories " and while I

have no doubt that unfortunately there are unethical therapists out there,it

makes me angry to hear about " repressed memory " being called non existent as if

there is no such thing.

One thing that happened to me was that the lack of mirroring from nada

and fada was so total and so severe that I often repressed painful events--I

simply had nowhere to put them.

One hopefully brief example of how that worked is with my best friend

who drowned when we were five.She actually drowned in highly suspicious

circumstances,in the company of an older girl who was a psycho,but it was

classified as a tragic accident.

The only " discussion " nada ever had with me about it was to shove a

newspaper in my face after Ellen's body had been found in the local creek and

scream at me, " There! You see! She's dead! " because I was continuing to say that

it all had to be a mistake: I was in denial.

I had no way of processing my grief or even of thinking about what had

happened since my feelings about it didn't matter to anyone,AT ALL.

One day when I was eight I was with my grandmother in her car driving

to her house on a Sunday afternoon and we drove over the bridge that went over

the creek.There were police cars/fire trucks on the side of the road and gawkers

standing around.Out in the creek there were rescue personnel in a boat using

grappling hooks.

Automatically,I freaked.I had no conscious memory whatsoever of what

had happened to Ellen--I wasn't even thinking about her.I just had this

automatic reaction that I didn't connect to Ellen at all,and didn't until I

thought about this later as an adult.

I demanded that my grandmother stop the car so I could get out and

watch.She refused and told me I didn't want to see that,it was clear someone had

possibly drowned.I started screaming that I KNEW someone had drowned and that

was why I wanted to watch,I wanted to see if they found the body,I wanted to

see.

She got very angry with me for being so horrible and so creepy,to want

to actually watch a body being retrieved from the creek.She was very disgusted

with me.

I was in tears.I felt like something horrible was going to happen if

I didn't find out for sure whether or not somebody had drowned.I felt like I was

going crazy and I felt like I just couldn't bear this absolute horror I

felt.Again,these were raw feelings and I made no connection at all to Ellen.

I was extremely upset all day.I felt like I was having a waking

nightmare,but the specific link to that specific memory of Ellen drowning didn't

come up.On the ride home I insisted that we drive past the creek because my

grandmother was going a different way and she got very angry with me again and

disgusted again that I STILL wanted to " watch " .I was in tears again and kept

saying, " You don't understand,I HAVE to see,you don't understand,I HAVE to

see... "

She yelled at me that no,I certainly did not have to see that and as

punishment for my outrageous tantrum she wasn't going to have me over to her

house the next Sunday.

When we got home,she told my parents what I had done and said to

them, " There's somthing wrong with her,I've never seen her like this,it's very

disturbing that she'd be so fascinated with somebody drowning,there's something

wrong with her... "

Yeah,well,they both knew that lol.Of course there was something wrong

with me,there wans't anything wrong with *them*!

None of them remembered that my best friend had drowned in that creek

and that might have something to do with my extreme reaction because I doubt any

of them even remembered,my experiences were of zero importance.

In my early twenties when I was allowing myself to remember the

things that had happened to me that whole thing with Ellen seemed like it must

be some weird thing I had made up.Did I really have a friend who had drowned?

I went to the library and looked it up on microfiche,half expecting to

find nothing although I swore I remembered nada shoving a newspaper in my

face.And there it was: several newspaper articles from when she was missing

until she was found,exactly as I remembered it,even down to the time of year and

what the weather had been like.And the photos of her: she even looked the way I

was remembering my friend.I sat there and cried,for the first time,finally able

to grieve.

For years I completely repressed all memories of Ellen and of that

psycho girl,as if none of it had ever happened.But it had,all of it.

>

> Just another thought here...

>

> Do you think it's possible that in some cases we really do suppress

> memories? I think so, but I'm not entirely sure (at least not for me).

>

> I know that I have experienced situations, even ones that seem harmless,

> that have suddenly triggered a memory that seemed lost & forgotten. And

> I'll stop & go " Hmm... that's odd/interesting/awful. " I'll know it's mine,

> and I know it's real. But I guess I fear that other people won't believe

> me. I don't know if any of it makes sense. I've shared some of these rare

> randomly triggered memories with my T and she has never used the words

> " suppressed memory " or whatever. She just listens. But she's never made me

> feel like I'm making it up either. I don't know.

>

> I've had this feeling for some time that there is really something terrible

> in the " back of my mind " that I just flat out blocked. Don't ask me what it

> is because I don't know. But I don't like the feeling of it, nor do I know

> if it's " real " . I think my T suspects something blocked too because from

> October to the end of December. I get really down down down. I asked her if

> she thought I had seasonal affective disorder, she said, " No. I think

> something probably happened around that time for you that's triggering you

> to feel depressed. " That just makes me feel more strange about that feeling

> of having some terrible thing blocked out of my memory.

>

> The only significant things that happen from october to December are my

> birthday & then of course the holidays.

>

> Ok, now just ship me off to the hospital or something. I've obviously lost

> it and feel like a real nut right now.

>

> *sigh* Mia

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

I agree with everything Ann said,that was very well put.

I know for sure that it's possible to suppress memory.My case is too

complicated to go into detail without writing a book but it sounds like you've

got a really great therapist who knows what she's doing.I know there's that

whole controversy about " false memories " aka " repressed memories " and while I

have no doubt that unfortunately there are unethical therapists out there,it

makes me angry to hear about " repressed memory " being called non existent as if

there is no such thing.

One thing that happened to me was that the lack of mirroring from nada

and fada was so total and so severe that I often repressed painful events--I

simply had nowhere to put them.

One hopefully brief example of how that worked is with my best friend

who drowned when we were five.She actually drowned in highly suspicious

circumstances,in the company of an older girl who was a psycho,but it was

classified as a tragic accident.

The only " discussion " nada ever had with me about it was to shove a

newspaper in my face after Ellen's body had been found in the local creek and

scream at me, " There! You see! She's dead! " because I was continuing to say that

it all had to be a mistake: I was in denial.

I had no way of processing my grief or even of thinking about what had

happened since my feelings about it didn't matter to anyone,AT ALL.

One day when I was eight I was with my grandmother in her car driving

to her house on a Sunday afternoon and we drove over the bridge that went over

the creek.There were police cars/fire trucks on the side of the road and gawkers

standing around.Out in the creek there were rescue personnel in a boat using

grappling hooks.

Automatically,I freaked.I had no conscious memory whatsoever of what

had happened to Ellen--I wasn't even thinking about her.I just had this

automatic reaction that I didn't connect to Ellen at all,and didn't until I

thought about this later as an adult.

I demanded that my grandmother stop the car so I could get out and

watch.She refused and told me I didn't want to see that,it was clear someone had

possibly drowned.I started screaming that I KNEW someone had drowned and that

was why I wanted to watch,I wanted to see if they found the body,I wanted to

see.

She got very angry with me for being so horrible and so creepy,to want

to actually watch a body being retrieved from the creek.She was very disgusted

with me.

I was in tears.I felt like something horrible was going to happen if

I didn't find out for sure whether or not somebody had drowned.I felt like I was

going crazy and I felt like I just couldn't bear this absolute horror I

felt.Again,these were raw feelings and I made no connection at all to Ellen.

I was extremely upset all day.I felt like I was having a waking

nightmare,but the specific link to that specific memory of Ellen drowning didn't

come up.On the ride home I insisted that we drive past the creek because my

grandmother was going a different way and she got very angry with me again and

disgusted again that I STILL wanted to " watch " .I was in tears again and kept

saying, " You don't understand,I HAVE to see,you don't understand,I HAVE to

see... "

She yelled at me that no,I certainly did not have to see that and as

punishment for my outrageous tantrum she wasn't going to have me over to her

house the next Sunday.

When we got home,she told my parents what I had done and said to

them, " There's somthing wrong with her,I've never seen her like this,it's very

disturbing that she'd be so fascinated with somebody drowning,there's something

wrong with her... "

Yeah,well,they both knew that lol.Of course there was something wrong

with me,there wans't anything wrong with *them*!

None of them remembered that my best friend had drowned in that creek

and that might have something to do with my extreme reaction because I doubt any

of them even remembered,my experiences were of zero importance.

In my early twenties when I was allowing myself to remember the

things that had happened to me that whole thing with Ellen seemed like it must

be some weird thing I had made up.Did I really have a friend who had drowned?

I went to the library and looked it up on microfiche,half expecting to

find nothing although I swore I remembered nada shoving a newspaper in my

face.And there it was: several newspaper articles from when she was missing

until she was found,exactly as I remembered it,even down to the time of year and

what the weather had been like.And the photos of her: she even looked the way I

was remembering my friend.I sat there and cried,for the first time,finally able

to grieve.

For years I completely repressed all memories of Ellen and of that

psycho girl,as if none of it had ever happened.But it had,all of it.

>

> Just another thought here...

>

> Do you think it's possible that in some cases we really do suppress

> memories? I think so, but I'm not entirely sure (at least not for me).

>

> I know that I have experienced situations, even ones that seem harmless,

> that have suddenly triggered a memory that seemed lost & forgotten. And

> I'll stop & go " Hmm... that's odd/interesting/awful. " I'll know it's mine,

> and I know it's real. But I guess I fear that other people won't believe

> me. I don't know if any of it makes sense. I've shared some of these rare

> randomly triggered memories with my T and she has never used the words

> " suppressed memory " or whatever. She just listens. But she's never made me

> feel like I'm making it up either. I don't know.

>

> I've had this feeling for some time that there is really something terrible

> in the " back of my mind " that I just flat out blocked. Don't ask me what it

> is because I don't know. But I don't like the feeling of it, nor do I know

> if it's " real " . I think my T suspects something blocked too because from

> October to the end of December. I get really down down down. I asked her if

> she thought I had seasonal affective disorder, she said, " No. I think

> something probably happened around that time for you that's triggering you

> to feel depressed. " That just makes me feel more strange about that feeling

> of having some terrible thing blocked out of my memory.

>

> The only significant things that happen from october to December are my

> birthday & then of course the holidays.

>

> Ok, now just ship me off to the hospital or something. I've obviously lost

> it and feel like a real nut right now.

>

> *sigh* Mia

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Yes, I think its possible. I have both some vivid, highly detailed, acid-etched

memories of traumatic abuse incidents (hypernesia), and yet from time to time

something will trigger a repressed memory or feeling. Those are weird, but

interesting.

Nada triggered one of those when I watched her interacting with some of my very

little cousins several years back. Nada ignored and brushed past (literally

pushed aside) the older girl (about 4 years old at the time) who was holding her

arms out for a hug, to scoop up the younger child who didn't even react to

nada's arrival. He was about 2 and happily playing with his toy. Seeing the

hurt and bewilderment on my little girl cousin's face, suddenly I was out of my

body and watching the proceedings from somewhere near the ceiling.

So, yes, I think our minds have evolved several ways of handling stress and

trauma that are intended to promote our survival, and they're all remarkable.

-Annie

>

> Just another thought here...

>

> Do you think it's possible that in some cases we really do suppress

> memories? I think so, but I'm not entirely sure (at least not for me).

>

> I know that I have experienced situations, even ones that seem harmless,

> that have suddenly triggered a memory that seemed lost & forgotten. And

> I'll stop & go " Hmm... that's odd/interesting/awful. " I'll know it's mine,

> and I know it's real. But I guess I fear that other people won't believe

> me. I don't know if any of it makes sense. I've shared some of these rare

> randomly triggered memories with my T and she has never used the words

> " suppressed memory " or whatever. She just listens. But she's never made me

> feel like I'm making it up either. I don't know.

>

> I've had this feeling for some time that there is really something terrible

> in the " back of my mind " that I just flat out blocked. Don't ask me what it

> is because I don't know. But I don't like the feeling of it, nor do I know

> if it's " real " . I think my T suspects something blocked too because from

> October to the end of December. I get really down down down. I asked her if

> she thought I had seasonal affective disorder, she said, " No. I think

> something probably happened around that time for you that's triggering you

> to feel depressed. " That just makes me feel more strange about that feeling

> of having some terrible thing blocked out of my memory.

>

> The only significant things that happen from october to December are my

> birthday & then of course the holidays.

>

> Ok, now just ship me off to the hospital or something. I've obviously lost

> it and feel like a real nut right now.

>

> *sigh* Mia

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

, thank you for sharing. Your account of your friend & your

repressed memory (I kind of like the term " lost memory " better) made me cry!

How very sad =(

Like you said, there is never anything wrong with *them*. It's always *Us*.

I know have my fair share of issues, but I also know WHY. I still find my

heart breaking & crying out " Is it me? Am I really the crazy one? " I don't

think I'll ever truly know what normal is. Yikes.

Sorry you had to have that experience, but thank you for sharing it with me,

it helps me feel less... psycho.

Mia

On Mon, Jan 3, 2011 at 1:00 PM, christine.depizan <

christine.depizan@...> wrote:

>

>

> I agree with everything Ann said,that was very well put.

>

> I know for sure that it's possible to suppress memory.My case is too

> complicated to go into detail without writing a book but it sounds like

> you've got a really great therapist who knows what she's doing.I know

> there's that whole controversy about " false memories " aka " repressed

> memories " and while I have no doubt that unfortunately there are unethical

> therapists out there,it makes me angry to hear about " repressed memory "

> being called non existent as if there is no such thing.

>

> One thing that happened to me was that the lack of mirroring from nada and

> fada was so total and so severe that I often repressed painful events--I

> simply had nowhere to put them.

>

> One hopefully brief example of how that worked is with my best friend who

> drowned when we were five.She actually drowned in highly suspicious

> circumstances,in the company of an older girl who was a psycho,but it was

> classified as a tragic accident.

>

> The only " discussion " nada ever had with me about it was to shove a

> newspaper in my face after Ellen's body had been found in the local creek

> and scream at me, " There! You see! She's dead! " because I was continuing to

> say that it all had to be a mistake: I was in denial.

>

> I had no way of processing my grief or even of thinking about what had

> happened since my feelings about it didn't matter to anyone,AT ALL.

>

> One day when I was eight I was with my grandmother in her car driving to

> her house on a Sunday afternoon and we drove over the bridge that went over

> the creek.There were police cars/fire trucks on the side of the road and

> gawkers standing around.Out in the creek there were rescue personnel in a

> boat using grappling hooks.

>

> Automatically,I freaked.I had no conscious memory whatsoever of what had

> happened to Ellen--I wasn't even thinking about her.I just had this

> automatic reaction that I didn't connect to Ellen at all,and didn't until I

> thought about this later as an adult.

>

> I demanded that my grandmother stop the car so I could get out and

> watch.She refused and told me I didn't want to see that,it was clear someone

> had possibly drowned.I started screaming that I KNEW someone had drowned and

> that was why I wanted to watch,I wanted to see if they found the body,I

> wanted to see.

>

> She got very angry with me for being so horrible and so creepy,to want to

> actually watch a body being retrieved from the creek.She was very disgusted

> with me.

>

> I was in tears.I felt like something horrible was going to happen if I

> didn't find out for sure whether or not somebody had drowned.I felt like I

> was going crazy and I felt like I just couldn't bear this absolute horror I

> felt.Again,these were raw feelings and I made no connection at all to Ellen.

>

> I was extremely upset all day.I felt like I was having a waking

> nightmare,but the specific link to that specific memory of Ellen drowning

> didn't come up.On the ride home I insisted that we drive past the creek

> because my grandmother was going a different way and she got very angry with

> me again and disgusted again that I STILL wanted to " watch " .I was in tears

> again and kept saying, " You don't understand,I HAVE to see,you don't

> understand,I HAVE to see... "

>

> She yelled at me that no,I certainly did not have to see that and as

> punishment for my outrageous tantrum she wasn't going to have me over to her

> house the next Sunday.

>

> When we got home,she told my parents what I had done and said to

> them, " There's somthing wrong with her,I've never seen her like this,it's

> very disturbing that she'd be so fascinated with somebody drowning,there's

> something wrong with her... "

>

> Yeah,well,they both knew that lol.Of course there was something wrong with

> me,there wans't anything wrong with *them*!

>

> None of them remembered that my best friend had drowned in that creek and

> that might have something to do with my extreme reaction because I doubt any

> of them even remembered,my experiences were of zero importance.

>

> In my early twenties when I was allowing myself to remember the things that

> had happened to me that whole thing with Ellen seemed like it must be some

> weird thing I had made up.Did I really have a friend who had drowned?

>

> I went to the library and looked it up on microfiche,half expecting to find

> nothing although I swore I remembered nada shoving a newspaper in my

> face.And there it was: several newspaper articles from when she was missing

> until she was found,exactly as I remembered it,even down to the time of year

> and what the weather had been like.And the photos of her: she even looked

> the way I was remembering my friend.I sat there and cried,for the first

> time,finally able to grieve.

>

> For years I completely repressed all memories of Ellen and of that psycho

> girl,as if none of it had ever happened.But it had,all of it.

>

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

, thank you for sharing. Your account of your friend & your

repressed memory (I kind of like the term " lost memory " better) made me cry!

How very sad =(

Like you said, there is never anything wrong with *them*. It's always *Us*.

I know have my fair share of issues, but I also know WHY. I still find my

heart breaking & crying out " Is it me? Am I really the crazy one? " I don't

think I'll ever truly know what normal is. Yikes.

Sorry you had to have that experience, but thank you for sharing it with me,

it helps me feel less... psycho.

Mia

On Mon, Jan 3, 2011 at 1:00 PM, christine.depizan <

christine.depizan@...> wrote:

>

>

> I agree with everything Ann said,that was very well put.

>

> I know for sure that it's possible to suppress memory.My case is too

> complicated to go into detail without writing a book but it sounds like

> you've got a really great therapist who knows what she's doing.I know

> there's that whole controversy about " false memories " aka " repressed

> memories " and while I have no doubt that unfortunately there are unethical

> therapists out there,it makes me angry to hear about " repressed memory "

> being called non existent as if there is no such thing.

>

> One thing that happened to me was that the lack of mirroring from nada and

> fada was so total and so severe that I often repressed painful events--I

> simply had nowhere to put them.

>

> One hopefully brief example of how that worked is with my best friend who

> drowned when we were five.She actually drowned in highly suspicious

> circumstances,in the company of an older girl who was a psycho,but it was

> classified as a tragic accident.

>

> The only " discussion " nada ever had with me about it was to shove a

> newspaper in my face after Ellen's body had been found in the local creek

> and scream at me, " There! You see! She's dead! " because I was continuing to

> say that it all had to be a mistake: I was in denial.

>

> I had no way of processing my grief or even of thinking about what had

> happened since my feelings about it didn't matter to anyone,AT ALL.

>

> One day when I was eight I was with my grandmother in her car driving to

> her house on a Sunday afternoon and we drove over the bridge that went over

> the creek.There were police cars/fire trucks on the side of the road and

> gawkers standing around.Out in the creek there were rescue personnel in a

> boat using grappling hooks.

>

> Automatically,I freaked.I had no conscious memory whatsoever of what had

> happened to Ellen--I wasn't even thinking about her.I just had this

> automatic reaction that I didn't connect to Ellen at all,and didn't until I

> thought about this later as an adult.

>

> I demanded that my grandmother stop the car so I could get out and

> watch.She refused and told me I didn't want to see that,it was clear someone

> had possibly drowned.I started screaming that I KNEW someone had drowned and

> that was why I wanted to watch,I wanted to see if they found the body,I

> wanted to see.

>

> She got very angry with me for being so horrible and so creepy,to want to

> actually watch a body being retrieved from the creek.She was very disgusted

> with me.

>

> I was in tears.I felt like something horrible was going to happen if I

> didn't find out for sure whether or not somebody had drowned.I felt like I

> was going crazy and I felt like I just couldn't bear this absolute horror I

> felt.Again,these were raw feelings and I made no connection at all to Ellen.

>

> I was extremely upset all day.I felt like I was having a waking

> nightmare,but the specific link to that specific memory of Ellen drowning

> didn't come up.On the ride home I insisted that we drive past the creek

> because my grandmother was going a different way and she got very angry with

> me again and disgusted again that I STILL wanted to " watch " .I was in tears

> again and kept saying, " You don't understand,I HAVE to see,you don't

> understand,I HAVE to see... "

>

> She yelled at me that no,I certainly did not have to see that and as

> punishment for my outrageous tantrum she wasn't going to have me over to her

> house the next Sunday.

>

> When we got home,she told my parents what I had done and said to

> them, " There's somthing wrong with her,I've never seen her like this,it's

> very disturbing that she'd be so fascinated with somebody drowning,there's

> something wrong with her... "

>

> Yeah,well,they both knew that lol.Of course there was something wrong with

> me,there wans't anything wrong with *them*!

>

> None of them remembered that my best friend had drowned in that creek and

> that might have something to do with my extreme reaction because I doubt any

> of them even remembered,my experiences were of zero importance.

>

> In my early twenties when I was allowing myself to remember the things that

> had happened to me that whole thing with Ellen seemed like it must be some

> weird thing I had made up.Did I really have a friend who had drowned?

>

> I went to the library and looked it up on microfiche,half expecting to find

> nothing although I swore I remembered nada shoving a newspaper in my

> face.And there it was: several newspaper articles from when she was missing

> until she was found,exactly as I remembered it,even down to the time of year

> and what the weather had been like.And the photos of her: she even looked

> the way I was remembering my friend.I sat there and cried,for the first

> time,finally able to grieve.

>

> For years I completely repressed all memories of Ellen and of that psycho

> girl,as if none of it had ever happened.But it had,all of it.

>

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

, thank you for sharing. Your account of your friend & your

repressed memory (I kind of like the term " lost memory " better) made me cry!

How very sad =(

Like you said, there is never anything wrong with *them*. It's always *Us*.

I know have my fair share of issues, but I also know WHY. I still find my

heart breaking & crying out " Is it me? Am I really the crazy one? " I don't

think I'll ever truly know what normal is. Yikes.

Sorry you had to have that experience, but thank you for sharing it with me,

it helps me feel less... psycho.

Mia

On Mon, Jan 3, 2011 at 1:00 PM, christine.depizan <

christine.depizan@...> wrote:

>

>

> I agree with everything Ann said,that was very well put.

>

> I know for sure that it's possible to suppress memory.My case is too

> complicated to go into detail without writing a book but it sounds like

> you've got a really great therapist who knows what she's doing.I know

> there's that whole controversy about " false memories " aka " repressed

> memories " and while I have no doubt that unfortunately there are unethical

> therapists out there,it makes me angry to hear about " repressed memory "

> being called non existent as if there is no such thing.

>

> One thing that happened to me was that the lack of mirroring from nada and

> fada was so total and so severe that I often repressed painful events--I

> simply had nowhere to put them.

>

> One hopefully brief example of how that worked is with my best friend who

> drowned when we were five.She actually drowned in highly suspicious

> circumstances,in the company of an older girl who was a psycho,but it was

> classified as a tragic accident.

>

> The only " discussion " nada ever had with me about it was to shove a

> newspaper in my face after Ellen's body had been found in the local creek

> and scream at me, " There! You see! She's dead! " because I was continuing to

> say that it all had to be a mistake: I was in denial.

>

> I had no way of processing my grief or even of thinking about what had

> happened since my feelings about it didn't matter to anyone,AT ALL.

>

> One day when I was eight I was with my grandmother in her car driving to

> her house on a Sunday afternoon and we drove over the bridge that went over

> the creek.There were police cars/fire trucks on the side of the road and

> gawkers standing around.Out in the creek there were rescue personnel in a

> boat using grappling hooks.

>

> Automatically,I freaked.I had no conscious memory whatsoever of what had

> happened to Ellen--I wasn't even thinking about her.I just had this

> automatic reaction that I didn't connect to Ellen at all,and didn't until I

> thought about this later as an adult.

>

> I demanded that my grandmother stop the car so I could get out and

> watch.She refused and told me I didn't want to see that,it was clear someone

> had possibly drowned.I started screaming that I KNEW someone had drowned and

> that was why I wanted to watch,I wanted to see if they found the body,I

> wanted to see.

>

> She got very angry with me for being so horrible and so creepy,to want to

> actually watch a body being retrieved from the creek.She was very disgusted

> with me.

>

> I was in tears.I felt like something horrible was going to happen if I

> didn't find out for sure whether or not somebody had drowned.I felt like I

> was going crazy and I felt like I just couldn't bear this absolute horror I

> felt.Again,these were raw feelings and I made no connection at all to Ellen.

>

> I was extremely upset all day.I felt like I was having a waking

> nightmare,but the specific link to that specific memory of Ellen drowning

> didn't come up.On the ride home I insisted that we drive past the creek

> because my grandmother was going a different way and she got very angry with

> me again and disgusted again that I STILL wanted to " watch " .I was in tears

> again and kept saying, " You don't understand,I HAVE to see,you don't

> understand,I HAVE to see... "

>

> She yelled at me that no,I certainly did not have to see that and as

> punishment for my outrageous tantrum she wasn't going to have me over to her

> house the next Sunday.

>

> When we got home,she told my parents what I had done and said to

> them, " There's somthing wrong with her,I've never seen her like this,it's

> very disturbing that she'd be so fascinated with somebody drowning,there's

> something wrong with her... "

>

> Yeah,well,they both knew that lol.Of course there was something wrong with

> me,there wans't anything wrong with *them*!

>

> None of them remembered that my best friend had drowned in that creek and

> that might have something to do with my extreme reaction because I doubt any

> of them even remembered,my experiences were of zero importance.

>

> In my early twenties when I was allowing myself to remember the things that

> had happened to me that whole thing with Ellen seemed like it must be some

> weird thing I had made up.Did I really have a friend who had drowned?

>

> I went to the library and looked it up on microfiche,half expecting to find

> nothing although I swore I remembered nada shoving a newspaper in my

> face.And there it was: several newspaper articles from when she was missing

> until she was found,exactly as I remembered it,even down to the time of year

> and what the weather had been like.And the photos of her: she even looked

> the way I was remembering my friend.I sat there and cried,for the first

> time,finally able to grieve.

>

> For years I completely repressed all memories of Ellen and of that psycho

> girl,as if none of it had ever happened.But it had,all of it.

>

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

I think it is very possible. I'm still figuring it out for myself, but I'm

pretty sure I've suppressed a fair number of memories, retrievable only by

association/triggers. It's like selective amnesia or something.

I do remember a pattern--

an upsetting event happens because of fada

a period of being on our toes with the fear of another outburst

the fear relaxing into walking on eggshells (which is still pretty bad)

During this phase, fada would take us all shopping and buy a lot of crap we

didn't need

Still walking on eggshells, but fada would be in a weird state of

" happiness "

and a few days later I will have forgotten the details of the event, and

soon, the event itself.

I only started realizing this when I would vent to my bf-now-husband on IM,

and he kept track of when it happened. I was shocked when he told me fada

blew up about once a week. I could not believe it, and he offered to bring

up the IM logs.

At the time, I was still trying to defend fada teh way my mom does to

me-- " he's doing MUCH better now " but my now-husband didn't believe me and

would say as much.

I'm trying to reclaim my memory, because I hate the whole suppressing thing,

because it suppresses the better memories too. Like one day I made kettle

corn and my husband said, 's favorite! being my littlest brother. I

had forgotten he loved it when I made homemade " keddle corn! " I seriously

had forgotten it, and it was a shock when I was reminded of it. It brought

back that memory, as well as painful ones. It's worth it though to discover

and hold onto the good memories of my little siblings.

Holly

>

>

> Just another thought here...

>

> Do you think it's possible that in some cases we really do suppress

> memories? I think so, but I'm not entirely sure (at least not for me).

>

> I know that I have experienced situations, even ones that seem harmless,

> that have suddenly triggered a memory that seemed lost & forgotten. And

> I'll stop & go " Hmm... that's odd/interesting/awful. " I'll know it's mine,

> and I know it's real. But I guess I fear that other people won't believe

> me. I don't know if any of it makes sense. I've shared some of these rare

> randomly triggered memories with my T and she has never used the words

> " suppressed memory " or whatever. She just listens. But she's never made me

> feel like I'm making it up either. I don't know.

>

> I've had this feeling for some time that there is really something terrible

> in the " back of my mind " that I just flat out blocked. Don't ask me what it

> is because I don't know. But I don't like the feeling of it, nor do I know

> if it's " real " . I think my T suspects something blocked too because from

> October to the end of December. I get really down down down. I asked her if

> she thought I had seasonal affective disorder, she said, " No. I think

> something probably happened around that time for you that's triggering you

> to feel depressed. " That just makes me feel more strange about that feeling

> of having some terrible thing blocked out of my memory.

>

> The only significant things that happen from october to December are my

> birthday & then of course the holidays.

>

> Ok, now just ship me off to the hospital or something. I've obviously lost

> it and feel like a real nut right now.

>

> *sigh* Mia

>

>

[Guest guest]

You might want to consider keeping a private daily diary, blog or journal to

make a record for yourself of the details RE your family interactions. That's

great that your now-husband did that for you, but it might have even more impact

for you and be even more useful for you if you do this for yourself.

Walling off or repressing memories, denial, dissociation or forgetfulness are

coping mechanisms, meant to help you endure or survive repeated abuse in a

stressful, even dangerous environment.

When you feel safe, your mind will be more likely to allow you access to the

scary stuff.

I found a lot of insight for myself by writing not only a daily journal but also

writing a " retro journal " . I just started jotting down childhood memories when

they'd come to me, not worrying much about placing them in the correct order,

just getting as many details of a specific memory or memory fragment down when

it was freshly recalled. For example: " Jergens Hand Lotion scent = nada. Mixed

feelings RE this scent/association. "

I highly recommend journal-keeping.

-Annie

>

> >

> >

> > Just another thought here...

> >

> > Do you think it's possible that in some cases we really do suppress

> > memories? I think so, but I'm not entirely sure (at least not for me).

> >

> > I know that I have experienced situations, even ones that seem harmless,

> > that have suddenly triggered a memory that seemed lost & forgotten. And

> > I'll stop & go " Hmm... that's odd/interesting/awful. " I'll know it's mine,

> > and I know it's real. But I guess I fear that other people won't believe

> > me. I don't know if any of it makes sense. I've shared some of these rare

> > randomly triggered memories with my T and she has never used the words

> > " suppressed memory " or whatever. She just listens. But she's never made me

> > feel like I'm making it up either. I don't know.

> >

> > I've had this feeling for some time that there is really something terrible

> > in the " back of my mind " that I just flat out blocked. Don't ask me what it

> > is because I don't know. But I don't like the feeling of it, nor do I know

> > if it's " real " . I think my T suspects something blocked too because from

> > October to the end of December. I get really down down down. I asked her if

> > she thought I had seasonal affective disorder, she said, " No. I think

> > something probably happened around that time for you that's triggering you

> > to feel depressed. " That just makes me feel more strange about that feeling

> > of having some terrible thing blocked out of my memory.

> >

> > The only significant things that happen from october to December are my

> > birthday & then of course the holidays.

> >

> > Ok, now just ship me off to the hospital or something. I've obviously lost

> > it and feel like a real nut right now.

> >

> > *sigh* Mia

> >

> >

[Guest guest]

You might want to consider keeping a private daily diary, blog or journal to

make a record for yourself of the details RE your family interactions. That's

great that your now-husband did that for you, but it might have even more impact

for you and be even more useful for you if you do this for yourself.

Walling off or repressing memories, denial, dissociation or forgetfulness are

coping mechanisms, meant to help you endure or survive repeated abuse in a

stressful, even dangerous environment.

When you feel safe, your mind will be more likely to allow you access to the

scary stuff.

I found a lot of insight for myself by writing not only a daily journal but also

writing a " retro journal " . I just started jotting down childhood memories when

they'd come to me, not worrying much about placing them in the correct order,

just getting as many details of a specific memory or memory fragment down when

it was freshly recalled. For example: " Jergens Hand Lotion scent = nada. Mixed

feelings RE this scent/association. "

I highly recommend journal-keeping.

-Annie

>

> >

> >

> > Just another thought here...

> >

> > Do you think it's possible that in some cases we really do suppress

> > memories? I think so, but I'm not entirely sure (at least not for me).

> >

> > I know that I have experienced situations, even ones that seem harmless,

> > that have suddenly triggered a memory that seemed lost & forgotten. And

> > I'll stop & go " Hmm... that's odd/interesting/awful. " I'll know it's mine,

> > and I know it's real. But I guess I fear that other people won't believe

> > me. I don't know if any of it makes sense. I've shared some of these rare

> > randomly triggered memories with my T and she has never used the words

> > " suppressed memory " or whatever. She just listens. But she's never made me

> > feel like I'm making it up either. I don't know.

> >

> > I've had this feeling for some time that there is really something terrible

> > in the " back of my mind " that I just flat out blocked. Don't ask me what it

> > is because I don't know. But I don't like the feeling of it, nor do I know

> > if it's " real " . I think my T suspects something blocked too because from

> > October to the end of December. I get really down down down. I asked her if

> > she thought I had seasonal affective disorder, she said, " No. I think

> > something probably happened around that time for you that's triggering you

> > to feel depressed. " That just makes me feel more strange about that feeling

> > of having some terrible thing blocked out of my memory.

> >

> > The only significant things that happen from october to December are my

> > birthday & then of course the holidays.

> >

> > Ok, now just ship me off to the hospital or something. I've obviously lost

> > it and feel like a real nut right now.

> >

> > *sigh* Mia

> >

> >

[Guest guest]

You might want to consider keeping a private daily diary, blog or journal to

make a record for yourself of the details RE your family interactions. That's

great that your now-husband did that for you, but it might have even more impact

for you and be even more useful for you if you do this for yourself.

Walling off or repressing memories, denial, dissociation or forgetfulness are

coping mechanisms, meant to help you endure or survive repeated abuse in a

stressful, even dangerous environment.

When you feel safe, your mind will be more likely to allow you access to the

scary stuff.

I found a lot of insight for myself by writing not only a daily journal but also

writing a " retro journal " . I just started jotting down childhood memories when

they'd come to me, not worrying much about placing them in the correct order,

just getting as many details of a specific memory or memory fragment down when

it was freshly recalled. For example: " Jergens Hand Lotion scent = nada. Mixed

feelings RE this scent/association. "

I highly recommend journal-keeping.

-Annie

>

> >

> >

> > Just another thought here...

> >

> > Do you think it's possible that in some cases we really do suppress

> > memories? I think so, but I'm not entirely sure (at least not for me).

> >

> > I know that I have experienced situations, even ones that seem harmless,

> > that have suddenly triggered a memory that seemed lost & forgotten. And

> > I'll stop & go " Hmm... that's odd/interesting/awful. " I'll know it's mine,

> > and I know it's real. But I guess I fear that other people won't believe

> > me. I don't know if any of it makes sense. I've shared some of these rare

> > randomly triggered memories with my T and she has never used the words

> > " suppressed memory " or whatever. She just listens. But she's never made me

> > feel like I'm making it up either. I don't know.

> >

> > I've had this feeling for some time that there is really something terrible

> > in the " back of my mind " that I just flat out blocked. Don't ask me what it

> > is because I don't know. But I don't like the feeling of it, nor do I know

> > if it's " real " . I think my T suspects something blocked too because from

> > October to the end of December. I get really down down down. I asked her if

> > she thought I had seasonal affective disorder, she said, " No. I think

> > something probably happened around that time for you that's triggering you

> > to feel depressed. " That just makes me feel more strange about that feeling

> > of having some terrible thing blocked out of my memory.

> >

> > The only significant things that happen from october to December are my

> > birthday & then of course the holidays.

> >

> > Ok, now just ship me off to the hospital or something. I've obviously lost

> > it and feel like a real nut right now.

> >

> > *sigh* Mia

> >

> >

[Guest guest]

Thanks, Annie. I have a " catch-all " journal that I put a lot of things into,

including memory fragments of the abuse and things associated, but I need to

write more thoughts down as they come to me. Part of what slows me down is

that I try to put it into a larger context--so thanks for reminding me just

to jot down what I know at the moment, rather than create a story out of it.

That will probably help me a lot.

Holly

On Mon, Jan 3, 2011 at 3:54 PM, anuria67854 wrote:

>

>

> You might want to consider keeping a private daily diary, blog or journal

> to make a record for yourself of the details RE your family interactions.

> That's great that your now-husband did that for you, but it might have even

> more impact for you and be even more useful for you if you do this for

> yourself.

>

> Walling off or repressing memories, denial, dissociation or forgetfulness

> are coping mechanisms, meant to help you endure or survive repeated abuse in

> a stressful, even dangerous environment.

>

> When you feel safe, your mind will be more likely to allow you access to

> the scary stuff.

>

> I found a lot of insight for myself by writing not only a daily journal but

> also writing a " retro journal " . I just started jotting down childhood

> memories when they'd come to me, not worrying much about placing them in the

> correct order, just getting as many details of a specific memory or memory

> fragment down when it was freshly recalled. For example: " Jergens Hand

> Lotion scent = nada. Mixed feelings RE this scent/association. "

>

> I highly recommend journal-keeping.

>

> -Annie

>

>

> >

> > >

> > >

> > > Just another thought here...

> > >

> > > Do you think it's possible that in some cases we really do suppress

> > > memories? I think so, but I'm not entirely sure (at least not for me).

> > >

> > > I know that I have experienced situations, even ones that seem

> harmless,

> > > that have suddenly triggered a memory that seemed lost & forgotten. And

> > > I'll stop & go " Hmm... that's odd/interesting/awful. " I'll know it's

> mine,

> > > and I know it's real. But I guess I fear that other people won't

> believe

> > > me. I don't know if any of it makes sense. I've shared some of these

> rare

> > > randomly triggered memories with my T and she has never used the words

> > > " suppressed memory " or whatever. She just listens. But she's never made

> me

> > > feel like I'm making it up either. I don't know.

> > >

> > > I've had this feeling for some time that there is really something

> terrible

> > > in the " back of my mind " that I just flat out blocked. Don't ask me

> what it

> > > is because I don't know. But I don't like the feeling of it, nor do I

> know

> > > if it's " real " . I think my T suspects something blocked too because

> from

> > > October to the end of December. I get really down down down. I asked

> her if

> > > she thought I had seasonal affective disorder, she said, " No. I think

> > > something probably happened around that time for you that's triggering

> you

> > > to feel depressed. " That just makes me feel more strange about that

> feeling

> > > of having some terrible thing blocked out of my memory.

> > >

> > > The only significant things that happen from october to December are my

> > > birthday & then of course the holidays.

> > >

> > > Ok, now just ship me off to the hospital or something. I've obviously

> lost

> > > it and feel like a real nut right now.

> > >

> > > *sigh* Mia

> > >

> > >

[Guest guest]

Thanks, Annie. I have a " catch-all " journal that I put a lot of things into,

including memory fragments of the abuse and things associated, but I need to

write more thoughts down as they come to me. Part of what slows me down is

that I try to put it into a larger context--so thanks for reminding me just

to jot down what I know at the moment, rather than create a story out of it.

That will probably help me a lot.

Holly

On Mon, Jan 3, 2011 at 3:54 PM, anuria67854 wrote:

>

>

> You might want to consider keeping a private daily diary, blog or journal

> to make a record for yourself of the details RE your family interactions.

> That's great that your now-husband did that for you, but it might have even

> more impact for you and be even more useful for you if you do this for

> yourself.

>

> Walling off or repressing memories, denial, dissociation or forgetfulness

> are coping mechanisms, meant to help you endure or survive repeated abuse in

> a stressful, even dangerous environment.

>

> When you feel safe, your mind will be more likely to allow you access to

> the scary stuff.

>

> I found a lot of insight for myself by writing not only a daily journal but

> also writing a " retro journal " . I just started jotting down childhood

> memories when they'd come to me, not worrying much about placing them in the

> correct order, just getting as many details of a specific memory or memory

> fragment down when it was freshly recalled. For example: " Jergens Hand

> Lotion scent = nada. Mixed feelings RE this scent/association. "

>

> I highly recommend journal-keeping.

>

> -Annie

>

>

> >

> > >

> > >

> > > Just another thought here...

> > >

> > > Do you think it's possible that in some cases we really do suppress

> > > memories? I think so, but I'm not entirely sure (at least not for me).

> > >

> > > I know that I have experienced situations, even ones that seem

> harmless,

> > > that have suddenly triggered a memory that seemed lost & forgotten. And

> > > I'll stop & go " Hmm... that's odd/interesting/awful. " I'll know it's

> mine,

> > > and I know it's real. But I guess I fear that other people won't

> believe

> > > me. I don't know if any of it makes sense. I've shared some of these

> rare

> > > randomly triggered memories with my T and she has never used the words

> > > " suppressed memory " or whatever. She just listens. But she's never made

> me

> > > feel like I'm making it up either. I don't know.

> > >

> > > I've had this feeling for some time that there is really something

> terrible

> > > in the " back of my mind " that I just flat out blocked. Don't ask me

> what it

> > > is because I don't know. But I don't like the feeling of it, nor do I

> know

> > > if it's " real " . I think my T suspects something blocked too because

> from

> > > October to the end of December. I get really down down down. I asked

> her if

> > > she thought I had seasonal affective disorder, she said, " No. I think

> > > something probably happened around that time for you that's triggering

> you

> > > to feel depressed. " That just makes me feel more strange about that

> feeling

> > > of having some terrible thing blocked out of my memory.

> > >

> > > The only significant things that happen from october to December are my

> > > birthday & then of course the holidays.

> > >

> > > Ok, now just ship me off to the hospital or something. I've obviously

> lost

> > > it and feel like a real nut right now.

> > >

> > > *sigh* Mia

> > >

> > >

[Guest guest]

Thanks, Annie. I have a " catch-all " journal that I put a lot of things into,

including memory fragments of the abuse and things associated, but I need to

write more thoughts down as they come to me. Part of what slows me down is

that I try to put it into a larger context--so thanks for reminding me just

to jot down what I know at the moment, rather than create a story out of it.

That will probably help me a lot.

Holly

On Mon, Jan 3, 2011 at 3:54 PM, anuria67854 wrote:

>

>

> You might want to consider keeping a private daily diary, blog or journal

> to make a record for yourself of the details RE your family interactions.

> That's great that your now-husband did that for you, but it might have even

> more impact for you and be even more useful for you if you do this for

> yourself.

>

> Walling off or repressing memories, denial, dissociation or forgetfulness

> are coping mechanisms, meant to help you endure or survive repeated abuse in

> a stressful, even dangerous environment.

>

> When you feel safe, your mind will be more likely to allow you access to

> the scary stuff.

>

> I found a lot of insight for myself by writing not only a daily journal but

> also writing a " retro journal " . I just started jotting down childhood

> memories when they'd come to me, not worrying much about placing them in the

> correct order, just getting as many details of a specific memory or memory

> fragment down when it was freshly recalled. For example: " Jergens Hand

> Lotion scent = nada. Mixed feelings RE this scent/association. "

>

> I highly recommend journal-keeping.

>

> -Annie

>

>

> >

> > >

> > >

> > > Just another thought here...

> > >

> > > Do you think it's possible that in some cases we really do suppress

> > > memories? I think so, but I'm not entirely sure (at least not for me).

> > >

> > > I know that I have experienced situations, even ones that seem

> harmless,

> > > that have suddenly triggered a memory that seemed lost & forgotten. And

> > > I'll stop & go " Hmm... that's odd/interesting/awful. " I'll know it's

> mine,

> > > and I know it's real. But I guess I fear that other people won't

> believe

> > > me. I don't know if any of it makes sense. I've shared some of these

> rare

> > > randomly triggered memories with my T and she has never used the words

> > > " suppressed memory " or whatever. She just listens. But she's never made

> me

> > > feel like I'm making it up either. I don't know.

> > >

> > > I've had this feeling for some time that there is really something

> terrible

> > > in the " back of my mind " that I just flat out blocked. Don't ask me

> what it

> > > is because I don't know. But I don't like the feeling of it, nor do I

> know

> > > if it's " real " . I think my T suspects something blocked too because

> from

> > > October to the end of December. I get really down down down. I asked

> her if

> > > she thought I had seasonal affective disorder, she said, " No. I think

> > > something probably happened around that time for you that's triggering

> you

> > > to feel depressed. " That just makes me feel more strange about that

> feeling

> > > of having some terrible thing blocked out of my memory.

> > >

> > > The only significant things that happen from october to December are my

> > > birthday & then of course the holidays.

> > >

> > > Ok, now just ship me off to the hospital or something. I've obviously

> lost

> > > it and feel like a real nut right now.

> > >

> > > *sigh* Mia

> > >

> > >

[Guest guest]

I agree Holly, I want those memories back. I have pieces-parts of other

events/memories too. And then poof... there's a big hole... and another

poof as I remember more. It's my memory, give it back to me dag nabbit!

I think it's awesome your hubby kept track of things like that for you.

Yes, I think sometimes there can be patterns, and it can be hard for us to

find them when we're enveloped in FOG. How awesome that he helped you with

that. He sounds like a good man, and you deserve it!

Mia

On Mon, Jan 3, 2011 at 4:27 PM, Holly Byers wrote:

> I think it is very possible. I'm still figuring it out for myself, but I'm

> pretty sure I've suppressed a fair number of memories, retrievable only by

> association/triggers. It's like selective amnesia or something.

>

> I do remember a pattern--

>

> an upsetting event happens because of fada

> a period of being on our toes with the fear of another outburst

> the fear relaxing into walking on eggshells (which is still pretty bad)

> During this phase, fada would take us all shopping and buy a lot of crap we

> didn't need

> Still walking on eggshells, but fada would be in a weird state of

> " happiness "

> and a few days later I will have forgotten the details of the event, and

> soon, the event itself.

>

> I only started realizing this when I would vent to my bf-now-husband on IM,

> and he kept track of when it happened. I was shocked when he told me fada

> blew up about once a week. I could not believe it, and he offered to bring

> up the IM logs.

>

> At the time, I was still trying to defend fada teh way my mom does to

> me-- " he's doing MUCH better now " but my now-husband didn't believe me and

> would say as much.

>

> I'm trying to reclaim my memory, because I hate the whole suppressing

> thing,

> because it suppresses the better memories too. Like one day I made kettle

> corn and my husband said, 's favorite! being my littlest brother.

> I

> had forgotten he loved it when I made homemade " keddle corn! " I seriously

> had forgotten it, and it was a shock when I was reminded of it. It brought

> back that memory, as well as painful ones. It's worth it though to discover

> and hold onto the good memories of my little siblings.

>

> Holly

>

[Guest guest]

I agree Holly, I want those memories back. I have pieces-parts of other

events/memories too. And then poof... there's a big hole... and another

poof as I remember more. It's my memory, give it back to me dag nabbit!

I think it's awesome your hubby kept track of things like that for you.

Yes, I think sometimes there can be patterns, and it can be hard for us to

find them when we're enveloped in FOG. How awesome that he helped you with

that. He sounds like a good man, and you deserve it!

Mia

On Mon, Jan 3, 2011 at 4:27 PM, Holly Byers wrote:

> I think it is very possible. I'm still figuring it out for myself, but I'm

> pretty sure I've suppressed a fair number of memories, retrievable only by

> association/triggers. It's like selective amnesia or something.

>

> I do remember a pattern--

>

> an upsetting event happens because of fada

> a period of being on our toes with the fear of another outburst

> the fear relaxing into walking on eggshells (which is still pretty bad)

> During this phase, fada would take us all shopping and buy a lot of crap we

> didn't need

> Still walking on eggshells, but fada would be in a weird state of

> " happiness "

> and a few days later I will have forgotten the details of the event, and

> soon, the event itself.

>

> I only started realizing this when I would vent to my bf-now-husband on IM,

> and he kept track of when it happened. I was shocked when he told me fada

> blew up about once a week. I could not believe it, and he offered to bring

> up the IM logs.

>

> At the time, I was still trying to defend fada teh way my mom does to

> me-- " he's doing MUCH better now " but my now-husband didn't believe me and

> would say as much.

>

> I'm trying to reclaim my memory, because I hate the whole suppressing

> thing,

> because it suppresses the better memories too. Like one day I made kettle

> corn and my husband said, 's favorite! being my littlest brother.

> I

> had forgotten he loved it when I made homemade " keddle corn! " I seriously

> had forgotten it, and it was a shock when I was reminded of it. It brought

> back that memory, as well as painful ones. It's worth it though to discover

> and hold onto the good memories of my little siblings.

>

> Holly

>

[Guest guest]

That's a great idea Annie. I've tried to journal daily in the past, but I

have a hard time remembering. That was before I ever had a cell phone...

but now I can set reminders lol. So maybe I could do it? I did start a

blog... but again, I'm awful about blogging daily. I also really just don't

feel I'm that darn interesting... who'd want to read what I ramble on about?

lol.

Mia

On Mon, Jan 3, 2011 at 4:54 PM, anuria67854 wrote:

>

>

> You might want to consider keeping a private daily diary, blog or journal

> to make a record for yourself of the details RE your family interactions.

> That's great that your now-husband did that for you, but it might have even

> more impact for you and be even more useful for you if you do this for

> yourself.

>

> Walling off or repressing memories, denial, dissociation or forgetfulness

> are coping mechanisms, meant to help you endure or survive repeated abuse in

> a stressful, even dangerous environment.

>

> When you feel safe, your mind will be more likely to allow you access to

> the scary stuff.

>

> I found a lot of insight for myself by writing not only a daily journal but

> also writing a " retro journal " . I just started jotting down childhood

> memories when they'd come to me, not worrying much about placing them in the

> correct order, just getting as many details of a specific memory or memory

> fragment down when it was freshly recalled. For example: " Jergens Hand

> Lotion scent = nada. Mixed feelings RE this scent/association. "

>

> I highly recommend journal-keeping.

>

> -Annie

>

[Guest guest]

Hey,my post finally showed up on the message board! I wrote all that and it

never appeared and I was like: arrggghhh...where do these posts go for hours????

I'm sorry it made you cry,Mia.And that was the truncated version,lol...

We're not the crazy ones,we're the ones who have been *injured* by the

crazy ones.

As for " normal " ,I've never been normal a day in my life and sometimes I

think that " normal " isn't all it's cracked up to be.To me,what is more important

is having a good and caring heart,and that you surely do have

>

> >

> >

> > I agree with everything Ann said,that was very well put.

> >

> > I know for sure that it's possible to suppress memory.My case is too

> > complicated to go into detail without writing a book but it sounds like

> > you've got a really great therapist who knows what she's doing.I know

> > there's that whole controversy about " false memories " aka " repressed

> > memories " and while I have no doubt that unfortunately there are unethical

> > therapists out there,it makes me angry to hear about " repressed memory "

> > being called non existent as if there is no such thing.

> >

> > One thing that happened to me was that the lack of mirroring from nada and

> > fada was so total and so severe that I often repressed painful events--I

> > simply had nowhere to put them.

> >

> > One hopefully brief example of how that worked is with my best friend who

> > drowned when we were five.She actually drowned in highly suspicious

> > circumstances,in the company of an older girl who was a psycho,but it was

> > classified as a tragic accident.

> >

> > The only " discussion " nada ever had with me about it was to shove a

> > newspaper in my face after Ellen's body had been found in the local creek

> > and scream at me, " There! You see! She's dead! " because I was continuing to

> > say that it all had to be a mistake: I was in denial.

> >

> > I had no way of processing my grief or even of thinking about what had

> > happened since my feelings about it didn't matter to anyone,AT ALL.

> >

> > One day when I was eight I was with my grandmother in her car driving to

> > her house on a Sunday afternoon and we drove over the bridge that went over

> > the creek.There were police cars/fire trucks on the side of the road and

> > gawkers standing around.Out in the creek there were rescue personnel in a

> > boat using grappling hooks.

> >

> > Automatically,I freaked.I had no conscious memory whatsoever of what had

> > happened to Ellen--I wasn't even thinking about her.I just had this

> > automatic reaction that I didn't connect to Ellen at all,and didn't until I

> > thought about this later as an adult.

> >

> > I demanded that my grandmother stop the car so I could get out and

> > watch.She refused and told me I didn't want to see that,it was clear someone

> > had possibly drowned.I started screaming that I KNEW someone had drowned and

> > that was why I wanted to watch,I wanted to see if they found the body,I

> > wanted to see.

> >

> > She got very angry with me for being so horrible and so creepy,to want to

> > actually watch a body being retrieved from the creek.She was very disgusted

> > with me.

> >

> > I was in tears.I felt like something horrible was going to happen if I

> > didn't find out for sure whether or not somebody had drowned.I felt like I

> > was going crazy and I felt like I just couldn't bear this absolute horror I

> > felt.Again,these were raw feelings and I made no connection at all to Ellen.

> >

> > I was extremely upset all day.I felt like I was having a waking

> > nightmare,but the specific link to that specific memory of Ellen drowning

> > didn't come up.On the ride home I insisted that we drive past the creek

> > because my grandmother was going a different way and she got very angry with

> > me again and disgusted again that I STILL wanted to " watch " .I was in tears

> > again and kept saying, " You don't understand,I HAVE to see,you don't

> > understand,I HAVE to see... "

> >

> > She yelled at me that no,I certainly did not have to see that and as

> > punishment for my outrageous tantrum she wasn't going to have me over to her

> > house the next Sunday.

> >

> > When we got home,she told my parents what I had done and said to

> > them, " There's somthing wrong with her,I've never seen her like this,it's

> > very disturbing that she'd be so fascinated with somebody drowning,there's

> > something wrong with her... "

> >

> > Yeah,well,they both knew that lol.Of course there was something wrong with

> > me,there wans't anything wrong with *them*!

> >

> > None of them remembered that my best friend had drowned in that creek and

> > that might have something to do with my extreme reaction because I doubt any

> > of them even remembered,my experiences were of zero importance.

> >

> > In my early twenties when I was allowing myself to remember the things that

> > had happened to me that whole thing with Ellen seemed like it must be some

> > weird thing I had made up.Did I really have a friend who had drowned?

> >

> > I went to the library and looked it up on microfiche,half expecting to find

> > nothing although I swore I remembered nada shoving a newspaper in my

> > face.And there it was: several newspaper articles from when she was missing

> > until she was found,exactly as I remembered it,even down to the time of year

> > and what the weather had been like.And the photos of her: she even looked

> > the way I was remembering my friend.I sat there and cried,for the first

> > time,finally able to grieve.

> >

> > For years I completely repressed all memories of Ellen and of that psycho

> > girl,as if none of it had ever happened.But it had,all of it.

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

According to the site " bully online " there is a difference between being

mentally ill and receiving psychological injury.

Psychological injury such as post-traumatic stress disorder is something a

mentally healthy person can acquire from a single traumatic incident (such as

being assaulted and raped) or a continuously stressful environment, such as

being frequently bullied at school, remaining in an abusive marriage, or being a

soldier in combat.

Being raised by abusive or negligent personality-disordered parents (long-term

abuse, ongoing trauma) is even more likely to result in long-term psychological

injury for their children.

There is a movement in the psychiatric community to add *complex* ptsd as a

sub-category of a ptsd diagnosis, to differentiate the results of short-term or

one-time trauma from the results of long-term or chronic trauma.

Here's a link to the anti-bullying UK site " bully online " and their article

about bullying in the family:

http://www.bullyonline.org/related/family.htm

-Annie

> >

> > >

> > >

> > > I agree with everything Ann said,that was very well put.

> > >

> > > I know for sure that it's possible to suppress memory.My case is too

> > > complicated to go into detail without writing a book but it sounds like

> > > you've got a really great therapist who knows what she's doing.I know

> > > there's that whole controversy about " false memories " aka " repressed

> > > memories " and while I have no doubt that unfortunately there are unethical

> > > therapists out there,it makes me angry to hear about " repressed memory "

> > > being called non existent as if there is no such thing.

> > >

> > > One thing that happened to me was that the lack of mirroring from nada and

> > > fada was so total and so severe that I often repressed painful events--I

> > > simply had nowhere to put them.

> > >

> > > One hopefully brief example of how that worked is with my best friend who

> > > drowned when we were five.She actually drowned in highly suspicious

> > > circumstances,in the company of an older girl who was a psycho,but it was

> > > classified as a tragic accident.

> > >

> > > The only " discussion " nada ever had with me about it was to shove a

> > > newspaper in my face after Ellen's body had been found in the local creek

> > > and scream at me, " There! You see! She's dead! " because I was continuing to

> > > say that it all had to be a mistake: I was in denial.

> > >

> > > I had no way of processing my grief or even of thinking about what had

> > > happened since my feelings about it didn't matter to anyone,AT ALL.

> > >

> > > One day when I was eight I was with my grandmother in her car driving to

> > > her house on a Sunday afternoon and we drove over the bridge that went

over

> > > the creek.There were police cars/fire trucks on the side of the road and

> > > gawkers standing around.Out in the creek there were rescue personnel in a

> > > boat using grappling hooks.

> > >

> > > Automatically,I freaked.I had no conscious memory whatsoever of what had

> > > happened to Ellen--I wasn't even thinking about her.I just had this

> > > automatic reaction that I didn't connect to Ellen at all,and didn't until

I

> > > thought about this later as an adult.

> > >

> > > I demanded that my grandmother stop the car so I could get out and

> > > watch.She refused and told me I didn't want to see that,it was clear

someone

> > > had possibly drowned.I started screaming that I KNEW someone had drowned

and

> > > that was why I wanted to watch,I wanted to see if they found the body,I

> > > wanted to see.

> > >

> > > She got very angry with me for being so horrible and so creepy,to want to

> > > actually watch a body being retrieved from the creek.She was very

disgusted

> > > with me.

> > >

> > > I was in tears.I felt like something horrible was going to happen if I

> > > didn't find out for sure whether or not somebody had drowned.I felt like I

> > > was going crazy and I felt like I just couldn't bear this absolute horror

I

> > > felt.Again,these were raw feelings and I made no connection at all to

Ellen.

> > >

> > > I was extremely upset all day.I felt like I was having a waking

> > > nightmare,but the specific link to that specific memory of Ellen drowning

> > > didn't come up.On the ride home I insisted that we drive past the creek

> > > because my grandmother was going a different way and she got very angry

with

> > > me again and disgusted again that I STILL wanted to " watch " .I was in tears

> > > again and kept saying, " You don't understand,I HAVE to see,you don't

> > > understand,I HAVE to see... "

> > >

> > > She yelled at me that no,I certainly did not have to see that and as

> > > punishment for my outrageous tantrum she wasn't going to have me over to

her

> > > house the next Sunday.

> > >

> > > When we got home,she told my parents what I had done and said to

> > > them, " There's somthing wrong with her,I've never seen her like this,it's

> > > very disturbing that she'd be so fascinated with somebody drowning,there's

> > > something wrong with her... "

> > >

> > > Yeah,well,they both knew that lol.Of course there was something wrong with

> > > me,there wans't anything wrong with *them*!

> > >

> > > None of them remembered that my best friend had drowned in that creek and

> > > that might have something to do with my extreme reaction because I doubt

any

> > > of them even remembered,my experiences were of zero importance.

> > >

> > > In my early twenties when I was allowing myself to remember the things

that

> > > had happened to me that whole thing with Ellen seemed like it must be some

> > > weird thing I had made up.Did I really have a friend who had drowned?

> > >

> > > I went to the library and looked it up on microfiche,half expecting to

find

> > > nothing although I swore I remembered nada shoving a newspaper in my

> > > face.And there it was: several newspaper articles from when she was

missing

> > > until she was found,exactly as I remembered it,even down to the time of

year

> > > and what the weather had been like.And the photos of her: she even looked

> > > the way I was remembering my friend.I sat there and cried,for the first

> > > time,finally able to grieve.

> > >

> > > For years I completely repressed all memories of Ellen and of that psycho

> > > girl,as if none of it had ever happened.But it had,all of it.

> > >

> > >

> > >

> > >

> > >

> >

> >

> >