Re: Just figured out my Dad probably has BPD.. need advice

January 3, 2011

Hi--and welcome!

I have a fada with BPD too, and can sympathize with nearly everything you

said! I'm glad your mother realizes his control-freak nature and got fed

up. My mom is still what we call a " dish-rag mom " and used to stand up for

herself and us 6 kids, but then she got brainwashed (for lack of a better

word), even siding with fada when he disowned me.

My dad is verbally and emotionally abusive and definitely a control-freak,

and when I was in high school, I started forming my own opinions separate

from his, and when I started college, I started standing up for myself as

tactfully as possible, resolving not to let my dad's depressive nature get

to me, and he didn't like that.

I know the finances issue, too--when I opened a bank account, my dad had his

name put on my check. He didn't do that with my little brother, for some

reason. All of us kids' accounts were auxillary accounts to his main one,

allowing him to see the accounts and transfer money to us as needed (and

take out money, too.) It was kinda creepy, because he could see where I

bought things and keep track of how much I spent, etc. It also didn't help

that I was still living at home for college. So, with the help and

encouragement from my now-husband, I opened up my own account at a different

bank, and started moving money over discreetly, and opened up a savings

account and moved money to that too. I also started a 2nd job (which really

pissed my dad off for some reason) and had direct deposit into the new

account. When he checked to see if I was getting my deposit money, 'cause he

couldn't see it go into my account, I had to tell him about the new bank

account and he was even more upset about that.

And then I moved out of my parents' house and roomed with a friend at a

duplex, he was REALLY upset and yelled at me whenever my now-husband and his

dad had to leave to go get more of my stuff, and then we all pretended we

were happy when they came back...but they were perceptive and knew Dad was

abusing me more.

Then, he disowned me for some blown up reason (I got engaged) and tried to

force me to " come back " to the fold and apologize for what I allegedly did,

which was to instate boundaries, basically, by yanking his financial cords

from me. I was paying for half the used car, and he was paying for the other

half, so he said give the car back, or take out a personal loan and pay him

back for the car, so I'd just be pyaing on that loan. And same goes for the

cell phone, which he was paying for the services. And he was going to revoke

my health insurance.

I refused to play the game. I got a cell phone added on to my fiance's

family's plan, because it made it really cheap. My fiance needed a car too,

so he and his dad went and bought a used one outright. And I bought student

insurance.

Once all that was done by the end of the week, I left my old phone in the

old car and parked it in a church lot close to their home, and then mailed

them the keys with a note where the car was. He hit the roof as evidenced in

the angry email he sent me after that, but even now, I'm so glad I did that

from a distance instead of in person!

Okay, I thought it was going to be a brief story, but it got a little longer

than I intended...

Anyway, as the stop walking on eggshells book will tell you, the key thing

is to instate boundaries to protect ourselves. Some of us accomplish that by

going no contact (NC) or low contact (LC). Some of us can interact with our

nadas and fadas more frequently, with firm boundaries. Just know that we're

here as you figure out what you need to do

Holly

On Thu, Dec 30, 2010 at 9:16 PM, angelarogers08

wrote:

>

> Hello all,

>

> I am new to this group... as I was wandering around in and Noble

> today I found a book called " Stop Walking on Eggshells " - When Someone you

> Love has BPD. So I picked it up and started reading, and my jaw literally

> dropped as I read the " symptoms " of living with someone with BPD and they

> almost universally applied to my experience with my father.

>

> I have been in college for 3 years and therefore away from home most of the

> time, which has been great for me personally. I have a great life, love my

> college and major, with amazing friends and a wonderful boyfriend and

> healthy relationship. I have not, however, had the greatest relationship

> with my father ever since I can remember. Apparently he was great with me

> when I was little, but as soon as I was old enough to have my own opinions

> and make my own decisions he and I have butted heads. He has always been a

> major control freak, to the point of manipulation to make sure he stays in

> control of things, and it has been rough on my mom (who is a non-bp). My

> parents have never had a great marriage, and they separated for a while when

> I was in middle school, but stuck it out for my benefit. Now she is fed up

> with his controlling nature and their relationship is essentially non

> existent, so she wants a separation or divorce. She told him this, and

> apparently his response was more avoidant than anything else. This surprised

> me, because he has frequently badmouthed her to me and it seemed to me that

> he would be fine with a divorce. It was not until I learned of and read

> about BPD that I now am convinced and understand exactly why he acts the way

> he does.

>

> I am struggling at the moment between being relieved that there is a reason

> he is the way he is, and coming up with the best way to deal with it. He

> does not know that he fits BPD to a tee, but I know that the impending

> divorce has thrown him into a depression. A few weeks ago, he sent me a long

> email while I was at school apologizing for " failing me " and basically

> saying some of the most introspective things I have ever heard him say,

> including admitting that his father's physical and verbal abuse messed him

> up and it has made it difficult for him to show love, etc. I responded,

> trying to be sympathetic while not completely forgiving his behavior

> (because this is a somewhat frequent occurrence) and asked him if there was

> a way we could communicate better that would alleviate some of his pain. The

> next few email exchanges were almost avoidant, as if he was embarrassed

> about the initial email. I know exactly why he emailed me, because he has

> burned bridges with his entire side of the family and now that my mom wants

> to leave him, I am the only one he has left. He also sent a similar email to

> his sister, who he has not spoken to for almost 10 years (because of some

> trivial wrongdoing on her part), again because he was probably feeling

> lonely and abandoned.

>

> Now that I have read about BPD, it is the only thing that explains his

> behavior. He has always been unpredictable, verbally abusive at times,

> manipulative, passive aggressive, and has almost child-like reactions to

> things (he once sent me an email saying " I get the message, loud and clear -

> two's company, three's a crowd. Love, I guess, Papa. " after I had my mom

> drive me to school for the semester rather than him or both of them). He is

> impossible to reason with and often illogical. So there is no doubt in my

> mind that he has BPD.

>

> I am in need of advice because I do not know where to go from here. My

> interactions with him are increasingly more difficult, as I get older and he

> loses more control over me coupled with the fact that my mom wants a divorce

> (he is almost clingy and needy at this point). I am still tied to him

> somewhat financially for a few more months, and he is showing signs that he

> is not going to give up control of my finances without a fight. I feel like

> I have a duty as his daughter to at least be civil and stay in contact to

> some extent, but he is impossible to deal with most of the time, in addition

> to his disapproval of my boyfriend's race (which is a whole other issue). I

> am planning to go to counseling when I get back to school next week, both to

> deal with my issues surrounding the relationship with my father and my

> parent's divorce. I am hoping that will encourage and empower me to take

> control of my own life, but for now I could use some advice and

> encouragement from those who have had similar experiences

>

> Thanks!

>

January 3, 2011

Wow Holly, I'm glad you're safe.

It's interesting to me that what I read about some of the fadas here, they

are similar yet very different from nadas. They seem to go the control

route, where as the nadas kinda go into a million different ways. I don't

know... I'm sure there are fadas that do too.

It sounds like your situation was very frightening, and I think you did the

right thing with the car & phone. Better from a distance!

Mia

On Mon, Jan 3, 2011 at 1:43 PM, Holly Byers wrote:

> Hi--and welcome!

>

> I have a fada with BPD too, and can sympathize with nearly everything you

> said! I'm glad your mother realizes his control-freak nature and got fed

> up. My mom is still what we call a " dish-rag mom " and used to stand up for

> herself and us 6 kids, but then she got brainwashed (for lack of a better

> word), even siding with fada when he disowned me.

>

> My dad is verbally and emotionally abusive and definitely a control-freak,

> and when I was in high school, I started forming my own opinions separate

> from his, and when I started college, I started standing up for myself as

> tactfully as possible, resolving not to let my dad's depressive nature get

> to me, and he didn't like that.

>

> I know the finances issue, too--when I opened a bank account, my dad had

> his

> name put on my check. He didn't do that with my little brother, for some

> reason. All of us kids' accounts were auxillary accounts to his main one,

> allowing him to see the accounts and transfer money to us as needed (and

> take out money, too.) It was kinda creepy, because he could see where I

> bought things and keep track of how much I spent, etc. It also didn't help

> that I was still living at home for college. So, with the help and

> encouragement from my now-husband, I opened up my own account at a

> different

> bank, and started moving money over discreetly, and opened up a savings

> account and moved money to that too. I also started a 2nd job (which really

> pissed my dad off for some reason) and had direct deposit into the new

> account. When he checked to see if I was getting my deposit money, 'cause

> he

> couldn't see it go into my account, I had to tell him about the new bank

> account and he was even more upset about that.

>

> And then I moved out of my parents' house and roomed with a friend at a

> duplex, he was REALLY upset and yelled at me whenever my now-husband and

> his

> dad had to leave to go get more of my stuff, and then we all pretended we

> were happy when they came back...but they were perceptive and knew Dad was

> abusing me more.

>

> Then, he disowned me for some blown up reason (I got engaged) and tried to

> force me to " come back " to the fold and apologize for what I allegedly did,

> which was to instate boundaries, basically, by yanking his financial cords

> from me. I was paying for half the used car, and he was paying for the

> other

> half, so he said give the car back, or take out a personal loan and pay him

> back for the car, so I'd just be pyaing on that loan. And same goes for the

> cell phone, which he was paying for the services. And he was going to

> revoke

> my health insurance.

>

> I refused to play the game. I got a cell phone added on to my fiance's

> family's plan, because it made it really cheap. My fiance needed a car too,

> so he and his dad went and bought a used one outright. And I bought student

> insurance.

>

> Once all that was done by the end of the week, I left my old phone in the

> old car and parked it in a church lot close to their home, and then mailed

> them the keys with a note where the car was. He hit the roof as evidenced

> in

> the angry email he sent me after that, but even now, I'm so glad I did that

> from a distance instead of in person!

>

> Okay, I thought it was going to be a brief story, but it got a little

> longer

> than I intended...

>

> Anyway, as the stop walking on eggshells book will tell you, the key thing

> is to instate boundaries to protect ourselves. Some of us accomplish that

> by

> going no contact (NC) or low contact (LC). Some of us can interact with our

> nadas and fadas more frequently, with firm boundaries. Just know that we're

> here as you figure out what you need to do

>

> Holly

>

January 3, 2011

Wow Holly, I'm glad you're safe.

It's interesting to me that what I read about some of the fadas here, they

are similar yet very different from nadas. They seem to go the control

route, where as the nadas kinda go into a million different ways. I don't

know... I'm sure there are fadas that do too.

It sounds like your situation was very frightening, and I think you did the

right thing with the car & phone. Better from a distance!

Mia

On Mon, Jan 3, 2011 at 1:43 PM, Holly Byers wrote:

> Hi--and welcome!

>

> I have a fada with BPD too, and can sympathize with nearly everything you

> said! I'm glad your mother realizes his control-freak nature and got fed

> up. My mom is still what we call a " dish-rag mom " and used to stand up for

> herself and us 6 kids, but then she got brainwashed (for lack of a better

> word), even siding with fada when he disowned me.

>

> My dad is verbally and emotionally abusive and definitely a control-freak,

> and when I was in high school, I started forming my own opinions separate

> from his, and when I started college, I started standing up for myself as

> tactfully as possible, resolving not to let my dad's depressive nature get

> to me, and he didn't like that.

>

> I know the finances issue, too--when I opened a bank account, my dad had

> his

> name put on my check. He didn't do that with my little brother, for some

> reason. All of us kids' accounts were auxillary accounts to his main one,

> allowing him to see the accounts and transfer money to us as needed (and

> take out money, too.) It was kinda creepy, because he could see where I

> bought things and keep track of how much I spent, etc. It also didn't help

> that I was still living at home for college. So, with the help and

> encouragement from my now-husband, I opened up my own account at a

> different

> bank, and started moving money over discreetly, and opened up a savings

> account and moved money to that too. I also started a 2nd job (which really

> pissed my dad off for some reason) and had direct deposit into the new

> account. When he checked to see if I was getting my deposit money, 'cause

> he

> couldn't see it go into my account, I had to tell him about the new bank

> account and he was even more upset about that.

>

> And then I moved out of my parents' house and roomed with a friend at a

> duplex, he was REALLY upset and yelled at me whenever my now-husband and

> his

> dad had to leave to go get more of my stuff, and then we all pretended we

> were happy when they came back...but they were perceptive and knew Dad was

> abusing me more.

>

> Then, he disowned me for some blown up reason (I got engaged) and tried to

> force me to " come back " to the fold and apologize for what I allegedly did,

> which was to instate boundaries, basically, by yanking his financial cords

> from me. I was paying for half the used car, and he was paying for the

> other

> half, so he said give the car back, or take out a personal loan and pay him

> back for the car, so I'd just be pyaing on that loan. And same goes for the

> cell phone, which he was paying for the services. And he was going to

> revoke

> my health insurance.

>

> I refused to play the game. I got a cell phone added on to my fiance's

> family's plan, because it made it really cheap. My fiance needed a car too,

> so he and his dad went and bought a used one outright. And I bought student

> insurance.

>

> Once all that was done by the end of the week, I left my old phone in the

> old car and parked it in a church lot close to their home, and then mailed

> them the keys with a note where the car was. He hit the roof as evidenced

> in

> the angry email he sent me after that, but even now, I'm so glad I did that

> from a distance instead of in person!

>

> Okay, I thought it was going to be a brief story, but it got a little

> longer

> than I intended...

>

> Anyway, as the stop walking on eggshells book will tell you, the key thing

> is to instate boundaries to protect ourselves. Some of us accomplish that

> by

> going no contact (NC) or low contact (LC). Some of us can interact with our

> nadas and fadas more frequently, with firm boundaries. Just know that we're

> here as you figure out what you need to do

>

> Holly

>

January 3, 2011

I love it.. " epic pwnd " !! As a gamer chick, that makes me laugh =) And I

agree... absolutely EPIC PWND moment!

I can really understand your concern for your siblings. Are you able to

keep in touch with them at all? I was hoping to be able to maintain a

relationship with my grand-nada (who I didn't realize is probably BPD too at

the time) but that's not possible. She went just as nuts as nada trying to

hunt me down. It's awful. So I had to cut off contact. But I can imagine

it's much harder with younger siblings.

I don't know how I didn't realize she was probably a nada too. She would

insist on going shopping with me, then insist on buying me things. I would

constantly tell her, " It's ok, I can buy it myself " . She would then tell

people I was a financial burden!!! I can't believe the woman bought me a

vehicle. I'm sure that was more fodder for her to say " oh, I had to buy her

a car because she's so awful & financially strapped " and all the bad stuff

that goes along with that. Ugh.

Thing is, they taught me that I was not able to take care of myself, and for

a long time I was not able to. I was very dependent on others because I had

no idea where to start with my life and getting things in order. I was

raised to be an absolute failure, this I'm sure of. So now, that I'm

learning otherwise... I'm much more independent. I like it, a lot =)

I'm glad you got away. I'm glad I did too! Moving out of state & going NC

with her was a great decision.

Mia

On Mon, Jan 3, 2011 at 2:01 PM, Holly Byers wrote:

> Mia,

> That's what I've noticed, too. I wonder if it's a gender issue that affects

> how BPD manifests itself? Women being more " emotional " and men arent'

> supposed to have emotions, therefore they control themselves and others.

>

> I'm glad I did it from a distance! My friends thought that was an " epic

> PWND! " moment and that it was gutsy of me, but mostly I was really scared

> and did what I could to avoid facing him.

>

> I'm glad I'm safe now, too Especially since I moved 2 states away.

> Just hoping my 4 littlest siblings, still at home, will be as safe as they

> can be, but still I worry <3

>

> Holly

>

January 3, 2011

I love it.. " epic pwnd " !! As a gamer chick, that makes me laugh =) And I

agree... absolutely EPIC PWND moment!

I can really understand your concern for your siblings. Are you able to

keep in touch with them at all? I was hoping to be able to maintain a

relationship with my grand-nada (who I didn't realize is probably BPD too at

the time) but that's not possible. She went just as nuts as nada trying to

hunt me down. It's awful. So I had to cut off contact. But I can imagine

it's much harder with younger siblings.

I don't know how I didn't realize she was probably a nada too. She would

insist on going shopping with me, then insist on buying me things. I would

constantly tell her, " It's ok, I can buy it myself " . She would then tell

people I was a financial burden!!! I can't believe the woman bought me a

vehicle. I'm sure that was more fodder for her to say " oh, I had to buy her

a car because she's so awful & financially strapped " and all the bad stuff

that goes along with that. Ugh.

Thing is, they taught me that I was not able to take care of myself, and for

a long time I was not able to. I was very dependent on others because I had

no idea where to start with my life and getting things in order. I was

raised to be an absolute failure, this I'm sure of. So now, that I'm

learning otherwise... I'm much more independent. I like it, a lot =)

I'm glad you got away. I'm glad I did too! Moving out of state & going NC

with her was a great decision.

Mia

On Mon, Jan 3, 2011 at 2:01 PM, Holly Byers wrote:

> Mia,

> That's what I've noticed, too. I wonder if it's a gender issue that affects

> how BPD manifests itself? Women being more " emotional " and men arent'

> supposed to have emotions, therefore they control themselves and others.

>

> I'm glad I did it from a distance! My friends thought that was an " epic

> PWND! " moment and that it was gutsy of me, but mostly I was really scared

> and did what I could to avoid facing him.

>

> I'm glad I'm safe now, too Especially since I moved 2 states away.

> Just hoping my 4 littlest siblings, still at home, will be as safe as they

> can be, but still I worry <3

>

> Holly

>

January 4, 2011

Sorry to change the subject, but for some reason I couldn't figure out how to

see if my post had been posted and if there were any replies...

But to Holly/Mia, thanks for your support. I am lucky that I have a great group

of supportive friends, and they don't mind listening to me vent - but they don't

truly understand what its like, so its nice to have a few that do.

I am about to sit down with my dad to write tuition checks... necessary because

he has kept control of my saved up college funds... luckily he does not have

access to my own personal bank account (my mom put her name on it when we opened

it - smart move) but he still controls me by forcing me to come to him to write

my tuition checks every semester. I think he knows if he didn't I would probably

never talk to him... sad but true.

Anyway, thanks again for your support! And wish me luck!!

> > >

> > > > Fellow geek here! Though I'm more into ICHC and FAIL blog and all

> > > > that--they always make me laugh!

> > > >

> > > > Unfortunately, no. I tried to keep in touch with them by sending

> > birthday

> > > > gifts and cards and postcards, but two things happened: 1) my little

> > > > brother

> > > > #1, who had turned 20, wrote a 2 pg long letter in fada's style of

> > > writing,

> > > > trying to convince me I'm horribly confused about things and that I

> > > needed

> > > > to suck it up and come back to the family 'cause I'm making everybody

> > > sad.

> > > > He said that he could no longer consider me a sister the way I'm

> > treading

> > > > fada. 2) my parents sent me an email telling me not to send any more

> > > gifts

> > > > or cards to my siblings because they'll just return to sender, because

> > of

> > > > the way I was limiting contact with fada and my mom. At the time, I was

> > > > afraid they may try to sue me for harassment or something like that, so

> > I

> > > > stopped.

> > > >

> > > > (I fanatise about sending them gifts and cards without a return address

> > > > label, just so they can get something sometimes.)

> > > >

> > > > That's too bad you couldn't keep in touch with your grandnada either,

> > but

> > > > yes, that does sound a lot like BPD. Don't you just love how they hold

> > > > financial stuff over your head?

> > > >

> > > > Agreed, I absolutely LOVE being independent and everytime I stand up

> > for

> > > > myself it's a moment of win.

> > > >

> > > > Holly

> > > >

> > >

January 4, 2011