Mom with bpd, I need help!

[Guest guest]

Hi everyone! I hope nobody here minds long notes/letters. I have so much to

get out and nowhere else to go with this.

Recently I befriended a psychotherapist who has tried to help me in his limited

" off " time. He is wonderful but just doesn't have the time to devote to what I

need. He suggested I seek out a support group because I am at a point where I

fear for my own sanity.

I don't sleep much anymore, I eat very little, have various health issues and

cannot drive, and feel like a slave to my mother and her life. The stress has

escalated so much over the past year that it is becoming unbearable and I find

myself in tears over the simplest of things. The stress is complicating my

health issues now too. All I want is my life back without having to abandon my

mother at the same time. Is that possible? At this point it doesn't look that

way.

After a number of conversations with my friend he has determined mom has had bpd

all of my life, possibly all of hers. Mom has no idea she has a " problem "

because she believes she is the normal one and everyone else around her has the

problems. Mom has almost no friends, and the few she has managed to make work

hard to keep her at arm's length for their own sanity. I love my mother, so it

hurts me to say honestly that she is " invasive " ... and driving me crazy!

Mom was recently widowed (July 2010) and left alone with a large dog, 3 large

parrots, 40 barn cats, and a 32 acre mess from 25+ yrs of her and my step

father's hoarding lifestyle. The only family mom has left is me and my younger

sister, and my sister has opted out of mom's life over the past few years.

(thats not completely a bad thing) That leaves me as mom's lifeline and she

holds on with an iron fist.

I am about to be 41 yrs old in a few weeks and lately I feel like I am a 10 yr

old child having to play the parenting role. Its awful, and that is putting it

mildly. Mom has invaded every corner of my life and isn't happy unless she is

controlling my every move, all the way down to when I sleep and even when I use

the bathroom. (yes its really that bad) When she is angry mom is very

vindictive and holds a grudge forever. She is still angry and often complains

about things that happened to her over 50 yrs ago, ranting about her father (my

grandpa whom I was very close to and love very much) who has been dead for over

25 yrs now. Mom has no ability to move forward in her life, just deals with

things as they happen to her. I have never known a more negative person in my

life.

Mom is abusive, verbally and emotionally. When she is angry she starts by

cutting the person out of her life completely, then begins plotting and talking

to others about the revenge she seeks. In my case, when mom is angry, it is

handled in way of punishments... yes, she still punishes me whenever I don't do

her bidding, she is very constructive and creative in that way. Mom has few

moments in her life where she isn't extremely angry at someone, deserved or not.

Because she is now completely alone, I carry the load for her pity parties,

ranting anger towards whomever it is that day, constant demands of my time and

energy, and her insistence that she is " mom " therefore it is her duty to run my

life the way she believes it should be run... the only right way... her way. In

mom's world there are only 2 ways, the right way (her way) and the wrong way

(anyone else's way). Anyone who doesn't agree with her on everything, listen to

everything she tells them to do, and allow her the control she seeks over them

and their lives, is the enemy. In my case, it goes a bit deeper... either I

agree with her, which means I love her, or I don't, which means I don't love

her. If I don't love her then she has no point in living anymore and I am " just

as bad as the rest of them " which is reason for punishment.

Mom is extreme in everything and gets quite upset when I don't follow her traits

in my own life. I have so many stories to share, just to get them out, I don't

even know where to begin. I have almost 41 yrs of " baggage " I have been

carrying around with nobody to really share it with. When I tell someone about

mom they disappear from my life or keep a safe distance most of the time. My

psychotherapist friend told me he has heard many horror stories of abuse,

neglect, etc. yet my story is the worst he's ever heard. (and he only knows a

very small portion of it at this point)

I spent the first 17 yrs of my life trying to escape an abusive home. (abusive

parents and abusive sister, verbally, emotionally, and physically) The next 2

yrs were consumed with marrying an abusive psychopath (he was my way out of an

abusive home... backfired horribly), divorce from him, and 2 children. The next

7 yrs were spent with my 2nd husband & children battling and hiding from my 1st

husband. The next 10 yrs were spent running away from my family again, trying

to find myself and make a life for myself and my children where the abuse

couldn't touch me. I managed to accomplish my goal during that 10 yrs, even

though I lived with another abusive partner during that time.

My final escape came about 6 yrs ago, my 3rd husband. (yes, I know, it took me

a long time to get it right) My current husband is loving, supportive, and

worth the long wait... however, I now have mom back in my life and she is

tearing me apart on a personal level, which is affecting the wonderful life my

husband & I have created for ourselves with my youngest child who is only 14 yrs

old. 6 yrs ago I thought I had found peace. I was wrong.

Since my step father died in July mom has been unbearable and I just don't know

what to do anymore. She demands that I check on her nightly to make sure she's

still alive, because she's alone. These nightly " mom-sitting " sessions are

usually online because I prefer it to the phone, as it allows me a little more

freedom to keep my sanity in check while she is ranting. There are times she

doesn't show up in chat, to which I am then obligated to call her. The chats

last hours until she is ready to let me go to bed, and they don't start until my

family is in bed. Mom insists on having me to herself. If she suspects anyone

is talking to me while we chat she throws a tantrum. I have not been allowed to

go to bed to sleep with my husband in over a year now. By the time my chats

with mom end at night it is often 2 - 3am, by which time I am so stressed I am

wide awake and unable to sleep until 6-7am when my family is just waking up to

start their day. Many mornings by 10 - 11am mom is calling for the first of

many times in a day. Some days she keeps me on the phone for up to 6 hrs at a

time, which means my whole day is gone before I am " free " to go about my day,

and by then I am emotionally exhausted. To tell mom either on the phone or in

chat that I need to go is a difficult task because she refuses to hear it. She

will talk over the top of me or ignore what I have said and just keep talking.

If I try to break in she talks faster to stop me. If I make her angry then she

yells at me about how I don't love her, hangs up, and refuses to speak to me for

days, sometimes weeks (unless she feels desperate before that). When she gets

past her anger at me she will then call me on the phone and complain that I

didn't call her sooner, even though I had left her messages daily on her

voicemail and answering machine.. and then the cycle begins again like nothing

ever happened.

Mom is very manipulative and will do whatever it takes to get what she wants,

the way she wants it. The worst was a night when she purposely let herself fall

down the basement stairs and hurt herself quite badly... because I couldn't call

her that night. That was her proof that I had to call EVERY night because

something could happen to her with nobody around to help her.

As you can probably tell by now, I am a mess. I am in tears just typing this

post to the group. I feel as if my wonderful life has been sucked away and I

have been powerless to stop it or to get it back. What am I seeking? Hope.

Help. Understanding... a safe place to get all of this garbage out of my head

so I can SLEEP. I am soooo tired. Advice on how to handle mom without facing

the consequences she is famous for? That would be a blessing if anything

worked. I have run out of ideas, my husband has run out of ideas, my in laws

want me to have mom forcibly committed, and my children miss me. I have known

great desperation at various times in my life, but never anything like this

before.

Is there hope?

Thanks for listening.