Guest guest Posted January 2, 2011 Report Share Posted January 2, 2011 So sorry to hear about your breakup. It sounds like your BF got overwhelmed with his own past and couldn't handle moving on -- even as you held his hand. You are so brave, as revealed by your posts here, so he is really missing out. Maybe he was afraid of letting his past go, and afraid of who he would become without it. Yes, NY does indeed suck. It's my LEAST favorite holiday, and I think that's because it's this heavy " transition time " between one year and the next, so it's laden with all this heavy emotion and hopes and dreams and (in the case of us children of BPDs) fear. I cannot face a transition to a new anything -- year, friendship, house, job, whatever -- without terrible fear. This was implanted by BPD Mom, whose response to EVERYTHING, from the moment I was born, was " It's scary! " and " Be careful! " and worse. Her fears filled me with endless poisonous fears which I have spent my adult life (since meeting my fearless husband -- well, okay, he has a fear of heights) trying to un-learn. I created my own form of 12-step program to deal with these fears and try to see them as gigantic enormous leaping BPD " fleas. " Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 2, 2011 Report Share Posted January 2, 2011 So sorry to hear about your breakup. It sounds like your BF got overwhelmed with his own past and couldn't handle moving on -- even as you held his hand. You are so brave, as revealed by your posts here, so he is really missing out. Maybe he was afraid of letting his past go, and afraid of who he would become without it. Yes, NY does indeed suck. It's my LEAST favorite holiday, and I think that's because it's this heavy " transition time " between one year and the next, so it's laden with all this heavy emotion and hopes and dreams and (in the case of us children of BPDs) fear. I cannot face a transition to a new anything -- year, friendship, house, job, whatever -- without terrible fear. This was implanted by BPD Mom, whose response to EVERYTHING, from the moment I was born, was " It's scary! " and " Be careful! " and worse. Her fears filled me with endless poisonous fears which I have spent my adult life (since meeting my fearless husband -- well, okay, he has a fear of heights) trying to un-learn. I created my own form of 12-step program to deal with these fears and try to see them as gigantic enormous leaping BPD " fleas. " Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 2, 2011 Report Share Posted January 2, 2011 So sorry to hear about your breakup. It sounds like your BF got overwhelmed with his own past and couldn't handle moving on -- even as you held his hand. You are so brave, as revealed by your posts here, so he is really missing out. Maybe he was afraid of letting his past go, and afraid of who he would become without it. Yes, NY does indeed suck. It's my LEAST favorite holiday, and I think that's because it's this heavy " transition time " between one year and the next, so it's laden with all this heavy emotion and hopes and dreams and (in the case of us children of BPDs) fear. I cannot face a transition to a new anything -- year, friendship, house, job, whatever -- without terrible fear. This was implanted by BPD Mom, whose response to EVERYTHING, from the moment I was born, was " It's scary! " and " Be careful! " and worse. Her fears filled me with endless poisonous fears which I have spent my adult life (since meeting my fearless husband -- well, okay, he has a fear of heights) trying to un-learn. I created my own form of 12-step program to deal with these fears and try to see them as gigantic enormous leaping BPD " fleas. " Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 2, 2011 Report Share Posted January 2, 2011 My nada was like that too- scared of everything, she allways see the worst outcome...it is soo annoying!! It is hard to live with that implanted fear (my sister was paralaysed with that. And I know how hard is to un-learn it. She never managed to do it. You are lucky to find your brave princ :-) and you are very brave too. Deciding to change herself is not an easy task and you have to have a lot of courage to do it! Yenaine > > So sorry to hear about your breakup. > > It sounds like your BF got overwhelmed with his own past and couldn't handle moving on -- even as you held his hand. You are so brave, as revealed by your posts here, so he is really missing out. Maybe he was afraid of letting his past go, and afraid of who he would become without it. > > Yes, NY does indeed suck. It's my LEAST favorite holiday, and I think that's because it's this heavy " transition time " between one year and the next, so it's laden with all this heavy emotion and hopes and dreams and (in the case of us children of BPDs) fear. I cannot face a transition to a new anything -- year, friendship, house, job, whatever -- without terrible fear. This was implanted by BPD Mom, whose response to EVERYTHING, from the moment I was born, was " It's scary! " and " Be careful! " and worse. Her fears filled me with endless poisonous fears which I have spent my adult life (since meeting my fearless husband -- well, okay, he has a fear of heights) trying to un-learn. I created my own form of 12-step program to deal with these fears and try to see them as gigantic enormous leaping BPD " fleas. " > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 2, 2011 Report Share Posted January 2, 2011 My nada was like that too- scared of everything, she allways see the worst outcome...it is soo annoying!! It is hard to live with that implanted fear (my sister was paralaysed with that. And I know how hard is to un-learn it. She never managed to do it. You are lucky to find your brave princ :-) and you are very brave too. Deciding to change herself is not an easy task and you have to have a lot of courage to do it! Yenaine > > So sorry to hear about your breakup. > > It sounds like your BF got overwhelmed with his own past and couldn't handle moving on -- even as you held his hand. You are so brave, as revealed by your posts here, so he is really missing out. Maybe he was afraid of letting his past go, and afraid of who he would become without it. > > Yes, NY does indeed suck. It's my LEAST favorite holiday, and I think that's because it's this heavy " transition time " between one year and the next, so it's laden with all this heavy emotion and hopes and dreams and (in the case of us children of BPDs) fear. I cannot face a transition to a new anything -- year, friendship, house, job, whatever -- without terrible fear. This was implanted by BPD Mom, whose response to EVERYTHING, from the moment I was born, was " It's scary! " and " Be careful! " and worse. Her fears filled me with endless poisonous fears which I have spent my adult life (since meeting my fearless husband -- well, okay, he has a fear of heights) trying to un-learn. I created my own form of 12-step program to deal with these fears and try to see them as gigantic enormous leaping BPD " fleas. " > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 2, 2011 Report Share Posted January 2, 2011 Oh,I'm so sorry,Yenaine I had to break up with my girlfriend of two and a half years this past August--my days of " strange spell " : something crappy always goes down in mid-August for me even though I try not for it to be that way lol.Maybe we all do have certain times of year that bring matters to a head,I don't know. It sucks when you meet someone who has similar KO type issues and on some levels there is that understanding of the suffering that is hard to find and you become close and there's an opportunity to grow together--then the " BUT thing " starts to appear...and intrudes upon the loving,understanding and supporting. " I'm confused and I need some time to sort myself out " is understandable a couple of times but not the fifth time and not when it's gone to the fifth time because they've refused to really get to the bottom of it.And,it seems to me,when you're in a serious relationship you can't just put your partner " on hold " and expect them to just pick up with you again when *you're* ready--and especially not when they've got problems of their own that they're dealing with and they need your presence and support. One of the issues with my girlfriend was that I wanted her to meet with my therapist so she could be involved with what I'm trying to achieve with therapy--my therapist could explain it better than I can,more succintly,more objectively--but my girlfriend couldn't face her own family traumas although she was aware of them and she just did not want to meet with my therapist at all because that would possibly bring up her own stuff,so I found myself in a situation where I had to " understand " that she wasn't ready to confront her own issues and that I had to pursue therapy on my own.If only she had wanted to work on her stuff too! That would have been...mutually healing....but I'd never force her to do something she didn't want to do. When it's one sided and it's not a partnership effort I think that it becomes a drain to be the " patient " and " understanding " one for the partner who isn't ready to deal while you *are* dealing with your own shit.It's like you're holding their hand,but are they really holding yours? I respected my girlfriend alot because she has overcome so much: she emigrated to the States from Morocco and has carved out a career for herself and is her own woman when her family wanted her to just be a meek housewife.She has a very strong character and she has fought to be her own person but...she fears that she will crumble if she addresses her core wounds and so she avoids them and when I decided that I needed to tend to mine,she couldn't be in the same place *with* me. In her view,I am successful workwise and that should be enough validation that I'm ok now.Why stir up all the drama of the past if I'm coping? But I don't want to just " cope " ,I want to flourish,I want to figure myself out,I don't want to be burdened with fleeing from what ails me: I want to confront it. " Coping " isn't enough. I miss our closeness,but I also question the true nature of it.I needed us to be together,hand in hand,but since she was leaving me to walk alone through some deep places,I decided that I would do just that,walk alone.I tried to work it out with her before I made that decision but we just went around in circles.There just comes a moment when your toleration ends,when you have really tried and you simply can't try anymore. There's more that lead up to it but relationship problems are such a long story...if your BF was cutting you off so you couldn't even reach him to help...and then doing a back and forth of " I'm not sure if I can be with you " and " I don't have the energy for you " ...whoa...yes,that's a red alert.You can't just put yourself on the side in a relationship,our partners need to have our backs--and that was something that bothered me way too much about my girlfriend: that while she was repressing her distress she/we were fine but when something came up (contacts with her family for example) she allowed herself to be bitchy and bitter yet didn't want to *share* my processing of my own FOO related pain,just wanted me to " cope " for her and so I was expected to take her bitchy moments but keep my problems for my therapist...it's too much to ask,that we put ourselves aside or that the relationship goes ok only when the heavy shit is being repressed. And it's weird how,in spite of that,there can be so much tenderness and love and you're left wondering what the hell was what. > > I think I have some bad spell on me who activates itself on New year days.....Has nothing to do with nada ( I don't spent NY or Christmas with her after I leave my primar home) but it allways happend something bad , strange, crazy...thing around this days, doesn't matter how much I tried not to. > > This year I already have nada in hospital and stupid doctors on my head and I (wrongly) thought that at least I'll spent some nice, worm and quiet days with my BF. A day before NY we split. > We were together for almost 4 years and we really had some nice time together, we help and support each other, resolving our past and were growing together (he has crazy mother and probably BPD ex. ) But there is obviously always this BUT thing.... > > Shortly after I met him he had a huge collapse because of all his past and he found out his mother was not a saint and poor lady because her mental illness - the reality was that she abuse him very much when he was little, that his ex is not his soul mate but manipulative and egoistic bastard and probably has BPD. At that time we were only friends and I help him a lot ( and he help me a lot in other things) and our relations had become deeper and deeper and very loving, understanding, supporting...kind of one I always wanted to have it. But every few and so months his still unresolved problems hit him...he started to doubt in himself, his perceptions, our relation.....he started to withdraw even he didn't know way at the beginning until I felt that sometihing is wrong and get restless and explode and put our problem openly on the table. It was always too much for him and choose to go away that he needs to be alone, that he didn't have energy to deal with us too .....I was hurt and angry but I somehow understand because I know what is bodering him and in what kind of process he was and after he found what it is by himself he came back. He did a lot of work on himself, he change and healed some of his parts. > > I understand if this would happened once or even more time but when that became a system- always repeating circle - this is red alert for me. I don't like to be part of it. Specially because whenever he has a problem he completely cut mu off ( where is a basic trust or compassion for me? do I always have to be the one who understands? Does we really have such a nice conection if he allways choose himself and his problems and me and mine are not importnat for him enough for him to consider twice - specialy if that is not the first time and he should learn a bit from the last time ) I'm deeply sorry to hurt you , but I don't have enuough energy for you he allways said > > Momentarily he is completely overworked ( low energy and stress) + I have nada in hospital ( his already death nada was in in and out of the mental hospital all his life , and with me talking about my nada some old memories who are very heavy raising up in him and that is probably the main reason he started to unconsciously withdrawal again) > > We have a " talk " about that a month ago -and than he calm down and realised what is happening and that among other his unresolved problems with his nada are the biggest problem. But he doesn't want to face it really ( not enough tiime, not enough energy , too afraid that he would collapse again ) so depression hits him and I become too big burden for him. And a day before a NY eve he told me he doesn't want to spent NY eve with me because he is totally confused again what is right , what not, what to do or not......he needs some time for herself and he can not be fully in relation so he will consider what to do - to stay togheter or not. This is 5 time this happened. And this time I had enoug. I told him if we would not be in his ( and mine) heavy moments together than it is no use to be together like a couple ( or even like a friends) He has to decided to face that problem and come for NY eve or I'll end this relation imieadetlly by myself because some things are repeating and he has no real intention to do something with that. He decided not to come - I ended relation. > > So last few days were for me like to be in one-man-band-workshop ( nada, hospital doctor, BF) Thanks good for all the technigues I know so I can go trough all this shit more easily and conscious. One ( together with deep breathing and mediating ...... and looooooooong talks with my friends) was specialy effective. For example - when I was going to the sad mood-we had such a beautiful time togeter. so much love, tenderness , understanding....smrc.....I deliberately put myself on the other side of the same story - is this really thrue? we were happy just because I can understand evereything and I put myself on side? Or we were happy just in times when he repressed all his problems.....? Or if I was angry like shit - how could he be so egoistic. bastard? Whenever I had a problem he found out he has not enough enery..Grrr...I again put myself deliberately on the other part of the same scale - he realy helped me so much with some other things, he was so supprotive when he was ok....and so on. It helps me to be in the middle and to see things more real than I see them when I'm in such extreme emotions. > > But anyway - NY sucks!!!!!! > > Yenaine > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 2, 2011 Report Share Posted January 2, 2011 Oh,I'm so sorry,Yenaine I had to break up with my girlfriend of two and a half years this past August--my days of " strange spell " : something crappy always goes down in mid-August for me even though I try not for it to be that way lol.Maybe we all do have certain times of year that bring matters to a head,I don't know. It sucks when you meet someone who has similar KO type issues and on some levels there is that understanding of the suffering that is hard to find and you become close and there's an opportunity to grow together--then the " BUT thing " starts to appear...and intrudes upon the loving,understanding and supporting. " I'm confused and I need some time to sort myself out " is understandable a couple of times but not the fifth time and not when it's gone to the fifth time because they've refused to really get to the bottom of it.And,it seems to me,when you're in a serious relationship you can't just put your partner " on hold " and expect them to just pick up with you again when *you're* ready--and especially not when they've got problems of their own that they're dealing with and they need your presence and support. One of the issues with my girlfriend was that I wanted her to meet with my therapist so she could be involved with what I'm trying to achieve with therapy--my therapist could explain it better than I can,more succintly,more objectively--but my girlfriend couldn't face her own family traumas although she was aware of them and she just did not want to meet with my therapist at all because that would possibly bring up her own stuff,so I found myself in a situation where I had to " understand " that she wasn't ready to confront her own issues and that I had to pursue therapy on my own.If only she had wanted to work on her stuff too! That would have been...mutually healing....but I'd never force her to do something she didn't want to do. When it's one sided and it's not a partnership effort I think that it becomes a drain to be the " patient " and " understanding " one for the partner who isn't ready to deal while you *are* dealing with your own shit.It's like you're holding their hand,but are they really holding yours? I respected my girlfriend alot because she has overcome so much: she emigrated to the States from Morocco and has carved out a career for herself and is her own woman when her family wanted her to just be a meek housewife.She has a very strong character and she has fought to be her own person but...she fears that she will crumble if she addresses her core wounds and so she avoids them and when I decided that I needed to tend to mine,she couldn't be in the same place *with* me. In her view,I am successful workwise and that should be enough validation that I'm ok now.Why stir up all the drama of the past if I'm coping? But I don't want to just " cope " ,I want to flourish,I want to figure myself out,I don't want to be burdened with fleeing from what ails me: I want to confront it. " Coping " isn't enough. I miss our closeness,but I also question the true nature of it.I needed us to be together,hand in hand,but since she was leaving me to walk alone through some deep places,I decided that I would do just that,walk alone.I tried to work it out with her before I made that decision but we just went around in circles.There just comes a moment when your toleration ends,when you have really tried and you simply can't try anymore. There's more that lead up to it but relationship problems are such a long story...if your BF was cutting you off so you couldn't even reach him to help...and then doing a back and forth of " I'm not sure if I can be with you " and " I don't have the energy for you " ...whoa...yes,that's a red alert.You can't just put yourself on the side in a relationship,our partners need to have our backs--and that was something that bothered me way too much about my girlfriend: that while she was repressing her distress she/we were fine but when something came up (contacts with her family for example) she allowed herself to be bitchy and bitter yet didn't want to *share* my processing of my own FOO related pain,just wanted me to " cope " for her and so I was expected to take her bitchy moments but keep my problems for my therapist...it's too much to ask,that we put ourselves aside or that the relationship goes ok only when the heavy shit is being repressed. And it's weird how,in spite of that,there can be so much tenderness and love and you're left wondering what the hell was what. > > I think I have some bad spell on me who activates itself on New year days.....Has nothing to do with nada ( I don't spent NY or Christmas with her after I leave my primar home) but it allways happend something bad , strange, crazy...thing around this days, doesn't matter how much I tried not to. > > This year I already have nada in hospital and stupid doctors on my head and I (wrongly) thought that at least I'll spent some nice, worm and quiet days with my BF. A day before NY we split. > We were together for almost 4 years and we really had some nice time together, we help and support each other, resolving our past and were growing together (he has crazy mother and probably BPD ex. ) But there is obviously always this BUT thing.... > > Shortly after I met him he had a huge collapse because of all his past and he found out his mother was not a saint and poor lady because her mental illness - the reality was that she abuse him very much when he was little, that his ex is not his soul mate but manipulative and egoistic bastard and probably has BPD. At that time we were only friends and I help him a lot ( and he help me a lot in other things) and our relations had become deeper and deeper and very loving, understanding, supporting...kind of one I always wanted to have it. But every few and so months his still unresolved problems hit him...he started to doubt in himself, his perceptions, our relation.....he started to withdraw even he didn't know way at the beginning until I felt that sometihing is wrong and get restless and explode and put our problem openly on the table. It was always too much for him and choose to go away that he needs to be alone, that he didn't have energy to deal with us too .....I was hurt and angry but I somehow understand because I know what is bodering him and in what kind of process he was and after he found what it is by himself he came back. He did a lot of work on himself, he change and healed some of his parts. > > I understand if this would happened once or even more time but when that became a system- always repeating circle - this is red alert for me. I don't like to be part of it. Specially because whenever he has a problem he completely cut mu off ( where is a basic trust or compassion for me? do I always have to be the one who understands? Does we really have such a nice conection if he allways choose himself and his problems and me and mine are not importnat for him enough for him to consider twice - specialy if that is not the first time and he should learn a bit from the last time ) I'm deeply sorry to hurt you , but I don't have enuough energy for you he allways said > > Momentarily he is completely overworked ( low energy and stress) + I have nada in hospital ( his already death nada was in in and out of the mental hospital all his life , and with me talking about my nada some old memories who are very heavy raising up in him and that is probably the main reason he started to unconsciously withdrawal again) > > We have a " talk " about that a month ago -and than he calm down and realised what is happening and that among other his unresolved problems with his nada are the biggest problem. But he doesn't want to face it really ( not enough tiime, not enough energy , too afraid that he would collapse again ) so depression hits him and I become too big burden for him. And a day before a NY eve he told me he doesn't want to spent NY eve with me because he is totally confused again what is right , what not, what to do or not......he needs some time for herself and he can not be fully in relation so he will consider what to do - to stay togheter or not. This is 5 time this happened. And this time I had enoug. I told him if we would not be in his ( and mine) heavy moments together than it is no use to be together like a couple ( or even like a friends) He has to decided to face that problem and come for NY eve or I'll end this relation imieadetlly by myself because some things are repeating and he has no real intention to do something with that. He decided not to come - I ended relation. > > So last few days were for me like to be in one-man-band-workshop ( nada, hospital doctor, BF) Thanks good for all the technigues I know so I can go trough all this shit more easily and conscious. One ( together with deep breathing and mediating ...... and looooooooong talks with my friends) was specialy effective. For example - when I was going to the sad mood-we had such a beautiful time togeter. so much love, tenderness , understanding....smrc.....I deliberately put myself on the other side of the same story - is this really thrue? we were happy just because I can understand evereything and I put myself on side? Or we were happy just in times when he repressed all his problems.....? Or if I was angry like shit - how could he be so egoistic. bastard? Whenever I had a problem he found out he has not enough enery..Grrr...I again put myself deliberately on the other part of the same scale - he realy helped me so much with some other things, he was so supprotive when he was ok....and so on. It helps me to be in the middle and to see things more real than I see them when I'm in such extreme emotions. > > But anyway - NY sucks!!!!!! > > Yenaine > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 2, 2011 Report Share Posted January 2, 2011 Oh,I'm so sorry,Yenaine I had to break up with my girlfriend of two and a half years this past August--my days of " strange spell " : something crappy always goes down in mid-August for me even though I try not for it to be that way lol.Maybe we all do have certain times of year that bring matters to a head,I don't know. It sucks when you meet someone who has similar KO type issues and on some levels there is that understanding of the suffering that is hard to find and you become close and there's an opportunity to grow together--then the " BUT thing " starts to appear...and intrudes upon the loving,understanding and supporting. " I'm confused and I need some time to sort myself out " is understandable a couple of times but not the fifth time and not when it's gone to the fifth time because they've refused to really get to the bottom of it.And,it seems to me,when you're in a serious relationship you can't just put your partner " on hold " and expect them to just pick up with you again when *you're* ready--and especially not when they've got problems of their own that they're dealing with and they need your presence and support. One of the issues with my girlfriend was that I wanted her to meet with my therapist so she could be involved with what I'm trying to achieve with therapy--my therapist could explain it better than I can,more succintly,more objectively--but my girlfriend couldn't face her own family traumas although she was aware of them and she just did not want to meet with my therapist at all because that would possibly bring up her own stuff,so I found myself in a situation where I had to " understand " that she wasn't ready to confront her own issues and that I had to pursue therapy on my own.If only she had wanted to work on her stuff too! That would have been...mutually healing....but I'd never force her to do something she didn't want to do. When it's one sided and it's not a partnership effort I think that it becomes a drain to be the " patient " and " understanding " one for the partner who isn't ready to deal while you *are* dealing with your own shit.It's like you're holding their hand,but are they really holding yours? I respected my girlfriend alot because she has overcome so much: she emigrated to the States from Morocco and has carved out a career for herself and is her own woman when her family wanted her to just be a meek housewife.She has a very strong character and she has fought to be her own person but...she fears that she will crumble if she addresses her core wounds and so she avoids them and when I decided that I needed to tend to mine,she couldn't be in the same place *with* me. In her view,I am successful workwise and that should be enough validation that I'm ok now.Why stir up all the drama of the past if I'm coping? But I don't want to just " cope " ,I want to flourish,I want to figure myself out,I don't want to be burdened with fleeing from what ails me: I want to confront it. " Coping " isn't enough. I miss our closeness,but I also question the true nature of it.I needed us to be together,hand in hand,but since she was leaving me to walk alone through some deep places,I decided that I would do just that,walk alone.I tried to work it out with her before I made that decision but we just went around in circles.There just comes a moment when your toleration ends,when you have really tried and you simply can't try anymore. There's more that lead up to it but relationship problems are such a long story...if your BF was cutting you off so you couldn't even reach him to help...and then doing a back and forth of " I'm not sure if I can be with you " and " I don't have the energy for you " ...whoa...yes,that's a red alert.You can't just put yourself on the side in a relationship,our partners need to have our backs--and that was something that bothered me way too much about my girlfriend: that while she was repressing her distress she/we were fine but when something came up (contacts with her family for example) she allowed herself to be bitchy and bitter yet didn't want to *share* my processing of my own FOO related pain,just wanted me to " cope " for her and so I was expected to take her bitchy moments but keep my problems for my therapist...it's too much to ask,that we put ourselves aside or that the relationship goes ok only when the heavy shit is being repressed. And it's weird how,in spite of that,there can be so much tenderness and love and you're left wondering what the hell was what. > > I think I have some bad spell on me who activates itself on New year days.....Has nothing to do with nada ( I don't spent NY or Christmas with her after I leave my primar home) but it allways happend something bad , strange, crazy...thing around this days, doesn't matter how much I tried not to. > > This year I already have nada in hospital and stupid doctors on my head and I (wrongly) thought that at least I'll spent some nice, worm and quiet days with my BF. A day before NY we split. > We were together for almost 4 years and we really had some nice time together, we help and support each other, resolving our past and were growing together (he has crazy mother and probably BPD ex. ) But there is obviously always this BUT thing.... > > Shortly after I met him he had a huge collapse because of all his past and he found out his mother was not a saint and poor lady because her mental illness - the reality was that she abuse him very much when he was little, that his ex is not his soul mate but manipulative and egoistic bastard and probably has BPD. At that time we were only friends and I help him a lot ( and he help me a lot in other things) and our relations had become deeper and deeper and very loving, understanding, supporting...kind of one I always wanted to have it. But every few and so months his still unresolved problems hit him...he started to doubt in himself, his perceptions, our relation.....he started to withdraw even he didn't know way at the beginning until I felt that sometihing is wrong and get restless and explode and put our problem openly on the table. It was always too much for him and choose to go away that he needs to be alone, that he didn't have energy to deal with us too .....I was hurt and angry but I somehow understand because I know what is bodering him and in what kind of process he was and after he found what it is by himself he came back. He did a lot of work on himself, he change and healed some of his parts. > > I understand if this would happened once or even more time but when that became a system- always repeating circle - this is red alert for me. I don't like to be part of it. Specially because whenever he has a problem he completely cut mu off ( where is a basic trust or compassion for me? do I always have to be the one who understands? Does we really have such a nice conection if he allways choose himself and his problems and me and mine are not importnat for him enough for him to consider twice - specialy if that is not the first time and he should learn a bit from the last time ) I'm deeply sorry to hurt you , but I don't have enuough energy for you he allways said > > Momentarily he is completely overworked ( low energy and stress) + I have nada in hospital ( his already death nada was in in and out of the mental hospital all his life , and with me talking about my nada some old memories who are very heavy raising up in him and that is probably the main reason he started to unconsciously withdrawal again) > > We have a " talk " about that a month ago -and than he calm down and realised what is happening and that among other his unresolved problems with his nada are the biggest problem. But he doesn't want to face it really ( not enough tiime, not enough energy , too afraid that he would collapse again ) so depression hits him and I become too big burden for him. And a day before a NY eve he told me he doesn't want to spent NY eve with me because he is totally confused again what is right , what not, what to do or not......he needs some time for herself and he can not be fully in relation so he will consider what to do - to stay togheter or not. This is 5 time this happened. And this time I had enoug. I told him if we would not be in his ( and mine) heavy moments together than it is no use to be together like a couple ( or even like a friends) He has to decided to face that problem and come for NY eve or I'll end this relation imieadetlly by myself because some things are repeating and he has no real intention to do something with that. He decided not to come - I ended relation. > > So last few days were for me like to be in one-man-band-workshop ( nada, hospital doctor, BF) Thanks good for all the technigues I know so I can go trough all this shit more easily and conscious. One ( together with deep breathing and mediating ...... and looooooooong talks with my friends) was specialy effective. For example - when I was going to the sad mood-we had such a beautiful time togeter. so much love, tenderness , understanding....smrc.....I deliberately put myself on the other side of the same story - is this really thrue? we were happy just because I can understand evereything and I put myself on side? Or we were happy just in times when he repressed all his problems.....? Or if I was angry like shit - how could he be so egoistic. bastard? Whenever I had a problem he found out he has not enough enery..Grrr...I again put myself deliberately on the other part of the same scale - he realy helped me so much with some other things, he was so supprotive when he was ok....and so on. It helps me to be in the middle and to see things more real than I see them when I'm in such extreme emotions. > > But anyway - NY sucks!!!!!! > > Yenaine > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 3, 2011 Report Share Posted January 3, 2011 Yes, my situation in a lot of aspedts sound quite similar like yours. And I agree with your thinking about what relation shouldn't be. And I can really recognise myself in your words : But I don't want to just " cope " ,I want to flourish,I want to figure myself out,I don't want to be burdened with fleeing from what ails me: I want to confront it. " Coping " isn't enough. Like I said- you should write a book:-) - you have so much to tell and you are so good in telling it. Thanks you for support! Yenaine > > > > I think I have some bad spell on me who activates itself on New year days.....Has nothing to do with nada ( I don't spent NY or Christmas with her after I leave my primar home) but it allways happend something bad , strange, crazy...thing around this days, doesn't matter how much I tried not to. > > > > This year I already have nada in hospital and stupid doctors on my head and I (wrongly) thought that at least I'll spent some nice, worm and quiet days with my BF. A day before NY we split. > > We were together for almost 4 years and we really had some nice time together, we help and support each other, resolving our past and were growing together (he has crazy mother and probably BPD ex. ) But there is obviously always this BUT thing.... > > > > Shortly after I met him he had a huge collapse because of all his past and he found out his mother was not a saint and poor lady because her mental illness - the reality was that she abuse him very much when he was little, that his ex is not his soul mate but manipulative and egoistic bastard and probably has BPD. At that time we were only friends and I help him a lot ( and he help me a lot in other things) and our relations had become deeper and deeper and very loving, understanding, supporting...kind of one I always wanted to have it. But every few and so months his still unresolved problems hit him...he started to doubt in himself, his perceptions, our relation.....he started to withdraw even he didn't know way at the beginning until I felt that sometihing is wrong and get restless and explode and put our problem openly on the table. It was always too much for him and choose to go away that he needs to be alone, that he didn't have energy to deal with us too .....I was hurt and angry but I somehow understand because I know what is bodering him and in what kind of process he was and after he found what it is by himself he came back. He did a lot of work on himself, he change and healed some of his parts. > > > > I understand if this would happened once or even more time but when that became a system- always repeating circle - this is red alert for me. I don't like to be part of it. Specially because whenever he has a problem he completely cut mu off ( where is a basic trust or compassion for me? do I always have to be the one who understands? Does we really have such a nice conection if he allways choose himself and his problems and me and mine are not importnat for him enough for him to consider twice - specialy if that is not the first time and he should learn a bit from the last time ) I'm deeply sorry to hurt you , but I don't have enuough energy for you he allways said > > > > Momentarily he is completely overworked ( low energy and stress) + I have nada in hospital ( his already death nada was in in and out of the mental hospital all his life , and with me talking about my nada some old memories who are very heavy raising up in him and that is probably the main reason he started to unconsciously withdrawal again) > > > > We have a " talk " about that a month ago -and than he calm down and realised what is happening and that among other his unresolved problems with his nada are the biggest problem. But he doesn't want to face it really ( not enough tiime, not enough energy , too afraid that he would collapse again ) so depression hits him and I become too big burden for him. And a day before a NY eve he told me he doesn't want to spent NY eve with me because he is totally confused again what is right , what not, what to do or not......he needs some time for herself and he can not be fully in relation so he will consider what to do - to stay togheter or not. This is 5 time this happened. And this time I had enoug. I told him if we would not be in his ( and mine) heavy moments together than it is no use to be together like a couple ( or even like a friends) He has to decided to face that problem and come for NY eve or I'll end this relation imieadetlly by myself because some things are repeating and he has no real intention to do something with that. He decided not to come - I ended relation. > > > > So last few days were for me like to be in one-man-band-workshop ( nada, hospital doctor, BF) Thanks good for all the technigues I know so I can go trough all this shit more easily and conscious. One ( together with deep breathing and mediating ...... and looooooooong talks with my friends) was specialy effective. For example - when I was going to the sad mood-we had such a beautiful time togeter. so much love, tenderness , understanding....smrc.....I deliberately put myself on the other side of the same story - is this really thrue? we were happy just because I can understand evereything and I put myself on side? Or we were happy just in times when he repressed all his problems.....? Or if I was angry like shit - how could he be so egoistic. bastard? Whenever I had a problem he found out he has not enough enery..Grrr...I again put myself deliberately on the other part of the same scale - he realy helped me so much with some other things, he was so supprotive when he was ok....and so on. It helps me to be in the middle and to see things more real than I see them when I'm in such extreme emotions. > > > > But anyway - NY sucks!!!!!! > > > > Yenaine > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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