Re: Re: I'm submerged in Oz

January 4, 2011

Oh I'm not jealous, I'm angry at what she's doing to his kids. I'm also

sorry your step daughter was in a very similar situation. =( I'm glad she

is doing well now, sounds like a bright young lady & I wish her the BEST!

(And really hope she stays in school, gosh I'm so big on that lol)

I am trying my best not to get over involved, but this is new territory for

me, and yes, the ex does trigger me because she does in many ways remind me

of nada. So it will take time for me to figure out how I can deal with this

(as I'm the only person I can control) and what is best for me, but no, I am

not bailing on him or the kids. I love them all and we all deserve

happiness.

It's just hard sometimes, but though I often forget it - I'm stronger now

than I ever have been. I will not run from this BPD ex... I will stand

beside my fiance & his kids and offer moral support, do what's right by the

kids, and maintain some level of sanity.

Just takes time to figure it out for me. I told fiance that I feel it's

best if I don't give too much feedback unless it's very severe or life or

death. I will continue to listen and be a source of support though, but I

really can't afford emotionally to get involved too deeply with concerns of

his ex. But he also knows the kids are ALWAYS welcome here, even full time.

He's just got to do the leg work 'cuz they're his kiddos.

Ty for listening & sharing your story too. I feel sort of divided if I

should post stuff like this here since it's a list for adult children of...

but I am a KO and now dealing with another one. Can you say BPD magnet?

lol.

Mia

On Tue, Jan 4, 2011 at 10:44 AM, coalminersdotter <

coalminersdotter@...> wrote:

>

> Hey Mia,

>

> Similar situation here. My husband's ex is loony BPD etc etc etc. But not

> like everyone says their ex is crazy. People around town actually express

> condolences when they hear that she is the ex. She gets out of cars at

> stoplights screaming at people, had different men in the house nightly

> (might have been in prostitution?), alcoholic, etc. Terrible situation for

> my step-daughter to grow up in.

>

> We could do nothing and our hands were tied by the courts. So this young

> girl grew up spending nights alone from age 11 and learned to drive herself

> illegally home from the bowling alley at age 13 because drunk mother left

> with some guy.

>

> Anyway, the young lady is now almost 20 and doing remarkably well, as KOs

> tend to do. We are an important part of her life now and she has LC with her

> nada. She is in college and doing her best to overcome the situation.

>

> We spent years embroiled in this stuff. Like the ex wearing a short shirt

> with no underwear when we came by to pick up her daughter, screaming at me

> from the door. blah, blah, blah It was crazy-making for us and worse for me

> because I felt so bad for my step-daughter in a personal way because of my

> own nada. And, of course, we were always the bad guys in the whole thing.

>

> So do your best to limit your emotional involvement, learn detachment, do

> the right thing so you can look in the mirror in the morning, and let it go

> as much as possible. The kids often stay enmeshed so deeply that your help

> is limited. But you can save yourself and be a constant rock for her to come

> to when she can. Also, remember that your fiance left his ex for a reason.

> Don't even bother wasting your time on jealousy. You are so much better for

> him.

>

> +Coal Miner's Daughter

>

> >

> > So fiance's BPD ex wife kept his daughter home tonight. Why? Because she

> > was upset & up late after listening to her mom & dad fight last night.

> >

> > Yes, they were on the phone last night... texting. There was no verbal

> > communication. His ex was not even in the same apartment as the kids with

> > their grandma. She was at her apartment up stairs.

> >

> > I'm really confused how step daughter heard this argument since I didn't

> > hear it either! I heard about it as it was happening, but didn't hear it.

> >

> > His ex is mad because he won't give her money now that their son is

> pretty

> > much done with diapers. She thinks she's entitled to it.

> >

> > Between his ex & her mother, we only have gotten half truths & flat out

> lies

> > from them today regarding the situation. Fiance is wondering if he should

> > talk to the school & let them know things aren't great at the kids'

> nada's

> > house.

> >

> > I know, again, this is not about my nada. But this is breaking my heart.

> > His daughter called him today just to chat and he told her, " Honey you

> know

> > mommy & I don't get along and sometimes we argue, but you know that it is

> > not your fault and we both love you. And that I would do anything for

> you. "

> > I heard that very same thing from my father when I was about 19. Poor

> > fiance was just bout in tears when they got off of the phone. I just gave

> > him a hug & a smile then had to excuse myself for a cigarette so I

> wouldn't

> > burst into tears myself. That was such an awful thing for me to have to

> > hear from my dad, I can imagine that it makes his daughter sad too.

> >

> > I think his ex knows perfectly well that she's lying... like my own nada,

> > she uses it to manipulate, hurt & confuse & put her victim into a FOG.

> >

> > I'm sorry all, I hope you don't mind me posting this here. Since it is

> BPD

> > and we're all learning how to deal with BPDs in our lives... I guess I

> > thought it couldn't hurt, but PLEASE correct me if I'm wrong. I guess I'm

> > wondering if you guys think he should talk to the school... I told him to

> > talk to T about it. But advice from others who have lived in the land of

> Oz

> > is always helpful.

> >

> > Thank you, Mia

> >

January 4, 2011

Thanks for your kind input, I think it makes sense, but like I said, I sure

don't want to trouble anyone here with his ex's B.S. either. But you are

right... as a KO it certainly puts a new spin on what we're dealing with.

Sure, lots of folks have to deal with crazy exes... but how many of them

are actually likely BPD? Some might be, but would they know that if they

hadn't dealt with someone in their past who was? Unfortunately, probably

not.

I am on the list for co-parenting, but right now I've just introduced myself

& am reading. I can absolutely feel for all these people going through

co-parenting with a borderline. It's so sad & frightening. I really think

that list is a good one for my fiance since he is the non-bpd co-parent.

But I kind of wanted to get a feel for it before giving him the info. I'm

going to see if he'd be interested in joining so he had a place to vent & a

way to relate to other parents dealing with similar issues. Actually,

that's what got me back to posting to this board. our T had given us some

information with links to all the WTO boards (including the co-parenting

one) and I said " hey, I'm on that list! I totally forgot! " I'm so glad I

did not ever unsub from here.

I think with your former friend and the gift giving thing.. yeah, that is

really strange. I think friends absolutely do things like that for each

other just out of the joy of giving something to someone you love... yes, I

love my friends. Not like I love my fiance of course lol, but my close

friends are family to me. And when I can afford it, I have absolutely

bought them little things for no reason other than I saw it & thought of

them. I think it's sad that your former friend couldn't see that. Besides,

who doesn't like little gifts for no reason? I know on the rare occasion

when I get them I'm overjoyed! How sweet that someone thought of me =)

Fiance was hinting at surprising me with flowers at the hospital, I was

laughing & smiling... I said, " Well it's not much of a surprise now, but you

can still bring me flowers. " It's a nice thing to do!

Thank you again for your feedback, I do appreciate it.

Mia

>

> Hi Mia,

>

> Just in regards to whether or not to post this stuff here versus another

> forum...I don't mind at all. In fact, I think it's still very relevant

> because you are a KO who is now involved in the life of another KO who is

> too young to control some of the decisions that, when dealing with a nada,

> you want to be in control of. She doesn't really have the choice to set up

> certain boundaries, so as a KO, you're trying to support her.

>

> Since learning about BPD, I've been beginning to wonder about a number of

> people I know and whether or not they have a personality disorder. I

> definitely have one ex-friend (whom is an ex-friend from her choosing, not

> mine) who I definitely think has some kind of personality disorder, but I'm

> not sure it's BPD. I remember once I surprised her with a Christmas gift,

> and a few weeks later she accused me of giving gifts to people to get them

> to like me, which is crazy. If I per chance see something that I know a

> friend would love (inexpensive, of course), yes, I might surprise them with

> it, but it's not to gain their friendship or to make them like me. Don't

> friends occasionally do nice things for each other for no reason other than

> we're friends? Am I alone in enjoying doing a nice thing for someone just

> because I feel like it? She could not understand this concept. She seemed to

> think that friendship would only occur when each individual was gaining some

> kind of tangible benefit, rather than just the intangible benefit of

> friendship.

>

> Based on what I've seen on the general forum, what we experience as KOs is

> different than if you are/were a lover or spouse of BPD. So I think that

> entails that our reactions to meeting other BPDs and our interactions with

> them pull different triggers that only other KOs would understand. There was

> a thread on the general forum that someone responded to and asked why they

> were all so negative and that they wanted to talk about positive things,

> etc., about BPD. And this person was a spouse. I didn't respond, but I

> really wanted to say, you know, it's a lot different when you're a kid and

> it's not your choice. You might be able to never say something negative

> about it, but it's been a source of a lot of negativity in my life as a KO.

> But my point is, if you didn't grow up with a BPD parent, then your reaction

> to a gf or bf or spouse with it will be different, right?

>

January 4, 2011