Feeling Out of Control (Overindulging OR Feeling Deprived)

[Guest guest]

Hi group,

I''ve been eeling really out of control lately (more and moreso, and I don't

like even typing theseose words because I feel like it makes it all the more

true and likely to continue).

I am not overweight, people say i could gain dsome weight and look fine. I was

a bit bigger like 8 years ago, but then I got on a track of overexercising and

not eating enough. Now I'm feeling out of control.

It's about the weight, and it's about the food, but it's also about what seem

like reallllly strong desires for food and the emotions around it. Donuts and

cake and sugary coffee drinks just taste good!! **It's interesting that I don't

want to stop eating until after I've had more than a resonable amount, or more

than I had the last time (basically, the urge to keep eating doesn't lessen

until I've overdone it).** <--And I know that I'm overeating; it's _not_ that

I'm eating a normal portion and just thinking it looks big in my eyes.

I want food to take up a proper amount of space in my life, but at the same time

I do enjoy Googling stories about people with similar eating/food issues that I

can relate to, and I like looking forward to getting a donut and then eating it,

and I like reading posts in this Food & Feelings Group. Does that mean that I

really don't want to let go of this problem/issue??

I let loose a bit this weekend and ate multiple large treat foods (frozen

yogurt, large donuts, 2 pieces of cake at a dinner party), and though others may

not see a change yet, my clothes feel tighter, my stomach and legs are bigger.

I see myself gaining, and I don't like it. It'd be cool to be able to eat a

sensible meal and have that be that, but that's not what's going on for me. I

crave (not physical cravings) desserts and pastries and rich foods. And I've

been giving into them. Coming from a place where about 5 years ago I was

overexercising and eating much less and I was leaner and more toned and felt so

in control, this feels so out of control and crappy. I FEAR it's going to catch

up with me - the weight.

I think I used to be a compulsive exerciser - I looked it up online and my ideas

and actions around exercise do fit the bill (anxious if I missed a workout. Eat

less if I didn't workout. Felt better about eating if I worked out a lot to

burn it off. Exercising with the main motivation being to burn calories.

Exercising more so that I could eat more, or to make up for overeating. Etc). I

still have these thoughts and feelings, though I don't run for 7 miles a day, 5

days a week anymore (that was more like 5 or 6 years ago). I do still work out,

but sometimes I'm tired, and I can't keep up exercise-wise with a sugary coffee

drink, a donut, and a few cookies added on top of my meals and snacks each day.

<--I don't think I have 2 hours workth of energy to really burn it all of, so

that it balances out.

When I experess these concerns to friends, they say " don't worry. It's not like

you do it every day. " But doing it like 2 or 3 times per week is not good.

It's becoming more frequent (ahh!! I hate even writing that). And when I'm

not indulging myself I'm battling with the deprivation and unhappiness. Agghh

I'm not happy about it. I don't want to deprive myself, and I don't want to be

out of control with my eating.

Really struggling lately. I'm going to see a nutritionist for the first time on

Wednesday...but will I really follow what she says? Will it really help? I

don't know.

Anyone have any thoughts? Sad, anxious...

Thank you very much for reading this.

- K