Re: BPD Mother.....financial irresponsibility/foreclosure

[Guest guest]

Hi!

What would it be like to let your mother find her own living arrangements? I

know you said you don't want her to end up homeless or in a shelter, but if

that's what she wants you won't be able to stop her. Running to her rescue

might make you feel better, and it might keep her off the streets, but it will

also teach her that it is okay to continue to expect you to clean up the messes

of her poor decisions, and that your own needs and feelings are unimportant. I

understand that she seems helpless, but it's really not your responsibility to

rescue her. Only do so if you truly want to, and at your own risk.

When she threatens to kill herself you might try saying something like, " I hear

you saying you want to kill yourself. That must feel really overwhelming. It's

hard for me to hear you say things like that, too, because I care about you. I

don't have the power to help you, because I am not responsible for your choices.

I hope you will talk to a doctor about it instead of calling me. When you

threaten to kill yourself in the future, I will have to hang up the phone. " How

would that feel? Threats like that are manipulative (whether she is conscious

of that or not); you have no control over her feelings or her actions, and you

are not responsible for her happiness or her anguish--no matter how hard she

tries to make you believe otherwise.

Have you considered seeking the advice of a trained therapist? It can be very

helpful to have guidance and validation during difficult times like the one you

are facing.

Glad you found the board, sorry you qualify.

KT

[Guest guest]

Hi!

What would it be like to let your mother find her own living arrangements? I

know you said you don't want her to end up homeless or in a shelter, but if

that's what she wants you won't be able to stop her. Running to her rescue

might make you feel better, and it might keep her off the streets, but it will

also teach her that it is okay to continue to expect you to clean up the messes

of her poor decisions, and that your own needs and feelings are unimportant. I

understand that she seems helpless, but it's really not your responsibility to

rescue her. Only do so if you truly want to, and at your own risk.

When she threatens to kill herself you might try saying something like, " I hear

you saying you want to kill yourself. That must feel really overwhelming. It's

hard for me to hear you say things like that, too, because I care about you. I

don't have the power to help you, because I am not responsible for your choices.

I hope you will talk to a doctor about it instead of calling me. When you

threaten to kill yourself in the future, I will have to hang up the phone. " How

would that feel? Threats like that are manipulative (whether she is conscious

of that or not); you have no control over her feelings or her actions, and you

are not responsible for her happiness or her anguish--no matter how hard she

tries to make you believe otherwise.

Have you considered seeking the advice of a trained therapist? It can be very

helpful to have guidance and validation during difficult times like the one you

are facing.

Glad you found the board, sorry you qualify.

KT

[Guest guest]

Hi!

What would it be like to let your mother find her own living arrangements? I

know you said you don't want her to end up homeless or in a shelter, but if

that's what she wants you won't be able to stop her. Running to her rescue

might make you feel better, and it might keep her off the streets, but it will

also teach her that it is okay to continue to expect you to clean up the messes

of her poor decisions, and that your own needs and feelings are unimportant. I

understand that she seems helpless, but it's really not your responsibility to

rescue her. Only do so if you truly want to, and at your own risk.

When she threatens to kill herself you might try saying something like, " I hear

you saying you want to kill yourself. That must feel really overwhelming. It's

hard for me to hear you say things like that, too, because I care about you. I

don't have the power to help you, because I am not responsible for your choices.

I hope you will talk to a doctor about it instead of calling me. When you

threaten to kill yourself in the future, I will have to hang up the phone. " How

would that feel? Threats like that are manipulative (whether she is conscious

of that or not); you have no control over her feelings or her actions, and you

are not responsible for her happiness or her anguish--no matter how hard she

tries to make you believe otherwise.

Have you considered seeking the advice of a trained therapist? It can be very

helpful to have guidance and validation during difficult times like the one you

are facing.

Glad you found the board, sorry you qualify.

KT

[Guest guest]

Hi Mandy!

My situation is very similar to yours, except that I'm 38. I'm going to give you

some advice from someone who is exactly a decade down the road from where you

are. I hope you can learn from my mistakes.

Ten years ago, when my mom was about to end up homeless, my brother and I put a

downpayment on a home for her. (This was after I spent HOURS looking at houses,

securing the loan, etc., etc. She's on welfare and disability and she makes the

house payments which are pretty low because we had to put down 20%. (That's the

law here if you already own one home.) My mother is also " sick " and " disabled. "

(As long as it conveniences her.)

She quickly went from being grateful to being abusive, hateful and expecting

more and more and more handouts from us. I've bought her appliances, a lazyboy

chair and I've paid for a new roof for her (my) house.

Here's my advice: I totally understand your guilt and that you think she's your

responsibility. If your guilt is that strong, then get her stabilized but make

it very clear that your help will be limited and she'll have to start figuring

out how to help herself. I think you'll be surprised at what she's capable of if

she's forced to take care of herself.

If you're married, or thinking of getting married, or if you have small

children---regardless, whatever your situation is, you have to remember to take

care of YOU and YOUR future, YOUR retirement, YOUR child's college fund and YOUR

family.

Because my experience is that a BPD parent will take you down with them. They

have no shame.

Again, I understand your guilt 100%. I have dealt with it for 20 years. But I

hope you can figure out faster than I did that her happiness and well-being is

ultimately NOT your responsiblity. She's the grown up. If anything, she should

be helping out her 28-year-old daughter, not the other way around.

>

> Hello everyone...I'm just found this site from reading the " Stop Walking on

Eggshells " book. I am a 28 year old woman with a BPD mother. I am hoping

someone out there has had a similar situation and can help me out. My mother

exhibits so many BPD traits but has never been diagnosed. She is hurtful and

manipulative often with me (same issues I'm sure many of you face). My friends

and other family members tell me to stop putting up with her crap but I don't

feel like that is an option for me.

>

> My mother has been divorced from my dad for 10 years. She is 64 and disabled.

She is now getting foreclosed on because she hasnt been paying the mortgage on

her house (because she doesn't have the money due to many years of compulsive

shopping and unemployment). This has sent my brother and I into a whirlwind of

trying to help her and get an apartment and contact banks. My mother believes

none of this is her fault. She likens it to the earthquakes in Haiti and to

people getting terminal illnesses. I know that part of the disorder is that you

can't take blame for your actions but this is especially frustrating.

>

> Throughout the whole process (which still continues) she has gone from loving

and appreciative to spiteful and suicide threatening. Often many times in the

course of an hour.

>

> I feel incredibly selfish sometimes because I spend so much time doing her

stuff but I really want to be getting my own work done and going out with

friends and relaxing at home. I know people say to " take time for yourself " but

whenever I try I feel so guilty because I should be looking for apartments or

calling back places involved with her.

>

> I guess I don't know what I'm asking....just advice I suppose. I feel like

I'm wearing out my friends and my dad and my brother by always talking about her

to them and maybe you all might be a better source of support. They have

started telling me " just don't deal with her " which would be fine except I can't

do that....I can't have her end up homeless or in a shelter and know I didn't

even try to help.

>

> Thanks for reading.

>

[Guest guest]

Hi Mandy!

My situation is very similar to yours, except that I'm 38. I'm going to give you

some advice from someone who is exactly a decade down the road from where you

are. I hope you can learn from my mistakes.

Ten years ago, when my mom was about to end up homeless, my brother and I put a

downpayment on a home for her. (This was after I spent HOURS looking at houses,

securing the loan, etc., etc. She's on welfare and disability and she makes the

house payments which are pretty low because we had to put down 20%. (That's the

law here if you already own one home.) My mother is also " sick " and " disabled. "

(As long as it conveniences her.)

She quickly went from being grateful to being abusive, hateful and expecting

more and more and more handouts from us. I've bought her appliances, a lazyboy

chair and I've paid for a new roof for her (my) house.

Here's my advice: I totally understand your guilt and that you think she's your

responsibility. If your guilt is that strong, then get her stabilized but make

it very clear that your help will be limited and she'll have to start figuring

out how to help herself. I think you'll be surprised at what she's capable of if

she's forced to take care of herself.

If you're married, or thinking of getting married, or if you have small

children---regardless, whatever your situation is, you have to remember to take

care of YOU and YOUR future, YOUR retirement, YOUR child's college fund and YOUR

family.

Because my experience is that a BPD parent will take you down with them. They

have no shame.

Again, I understand your guilt 100%. I have dealt with it for 20 years. But I

hope you can figure out faster than I did that her happiness and well-being is

ultimately NOT your responsiblity. She's the grown up. If anything, she should

be helping out her 28-year-old daughter, not the other way around.

>

> Hello everyone...I'm just found this site from reading the " Stop Walking on

Eggshells " book. I am a 28 year old woman with a BPD mother. I am hoping

someone out there has had a similar situation and can help me out. My mother

exhibits so many BPD traits but has never been diagnosed. She is hurtful and

manipulative often with me (same issues I'm sure many of you face). My friends

and other family members tell me to stop putting up with her crap but I don't

feel like that is an option for me.

>

> My mother has been divorced from my dad for 10 years. She is 64 and disabled.

She is now getting foreclosed on because she hasnt been paying the mortgage on

her house (because she doesn't have the money due to many years of compulsive

shopping and unemployment). This has sent my brother and I into a whirlwind of

trying to help her and get an apartment and contact banks. My mother believes

none of this is her fault. She likens it to the earthquakes in Haiti and to

people getting terminal illnesses. I know that part of the disorder is that you

can't take blame for your actions but this is especially frustrating.

>

> Throughout the whole process (which still continues) she has gone from loving

and appreciative to spiteful and suicide threatening. Often many times in the

course of an hour.

>

> I feel incredibly selfish sometimes because I spend so much time doing her

stuff but I really want to be getting my own work done and going out with

friends and relaxing at home. I know people say to " take time for yourself " but

whenever I try I feel so guilty because I should be looking for apartments or

calling back places involved with her.

>

> I guess I don't know what I'm asking....just advice I suppose. I feel like

I'm wearing out my friends and my dad and my brother by always talking about her

to them and maybe you all might be a better source of support. They have

started telling me " just don't deal with her " which would be fine except I can't

do that....I can't have her end up homeless or in a shelter and know I didn't

even try to help.

>

> Thanks for reading.

>

[Guest guest]

Hi Mandy!

My situation is very similar to yours, except that I'm 38. I'm going to give you

some advice from someone who is exactly a decade down the road from where you

are. I hope you can learn from my mistakes.

Ten years ago, when my mom was about to end up homeless, my brother and I put a

downpayment on a home for her. (This was after I spent HOURS looking at houses,

securing the loan, etc., etc. She's on welfare and disability and she makes the

house payments which are pretty low because we had to put down 20%. (That's the

law here if you already own one home.) My mother is also " sick " and " disabled. "

(As long as it conveniences her.)

She quickly went from being grateful to being abusive, hateful and expecting

more and more and more handouts from us. I've bought her appliances, a lazyboy

chair and I've paid for a new roof for her (my) house.

Here's my advice: I totally understand your guilt and that you think she's your

responsibility. If your guilt is that strong, then get her stabilized but make

it very clear that your help will be limited and she'll have to start figuring

out how to help herself. I think you'll be surprised at what she's capable of if

she's forced to take care of herself.

If you're married, or thinking of getting married, or if you have small

children---regardless, whatever your situation is, you have to remember to take

care of YOU and YOUR future, YOUR retirement, YOUR child's college fund and YOUR

family.

Because my experience is that a BPD parent will take you down with them. They

have no shame.

Again, I understand your guilt 100%. I have dealt with it for 20 years. But I

hope you can figure out faster than I did that her happiness and well-being is

ultimately NOT your responsiblity. She's the grown up. If anything, she should

be helping out her 28-year-old daughter, not the other way around.

>

> Hello everyone...I'm just found this site from reading the " Stop Walking on

Eggshells " book. I am a 28 year old woman with a BPD mother. I am hoping

someone out there has had a similar situation and can help me out. My mother

exhibits so many BPD traits but has never been diagnosed. She is hurtful and

manipulative often with me (same issues I'm sure many of you face). My friends

and other family members tell me to stop putting up with her crap but I don't

feel like that is an option for me.

>

> My mother has been divorced from my dad for 10 years. She is 64 and disabled.

She is now getting foreclosed on because she hasnt been paying the mortgage on

her house (because she doesn't have the money due to many years of compulsive

shopping and unemployment). This has sent my brother and I into a whirlwind of

trying to help her and get an apartment and contact banks. My mother believes

none of this is her fault. She likens it to the earthquakes in Haiti and to

people getting terminal illnesses. I know that part of the disorder is that you

can't take blame for your actions but this is especially frustrating.

>

> Throughout the whole process (which still continues) she has gone from loving

and appreciative to spiteful and suicide threatening. Often many times in the

course of an hour.

>

> I feel incredibly selfish sometimes because I spend so much time doing her

stuff but I really want to be getting my own work done and going out with

friends and relaxing at home. I know people say to " take time for yourself " but

whenever I try I feel so guilty because I should be looking for apartments or

calling back places involved with her.

>

> I guess I don't know what I'm asking....just advice I suppose. I feel like

I'm wearing out my friends and my dad and my brother by always talking about her

to them and maybe you all might be a better source of support. They have

started telling me " just don't deal with her " which would be fine except I can't

do that....I can't have her end up homeless or in a shelter and know I didn't

even try to help.

>

> Thanks for reading.

>

[Guest guest]

p.s.

My mother finally became so horrible that I didn't speak to her for a 3-month

stretch and then a 6-month stretch. In that time, she didn't have a car and she

was forced to figure out how to get rides. She's also managed to exploit the

welfare system to its full extent. It's amazing what they can manage to do when

they're forced to. They're usually too selfish to just let themselves end up

homeless.

I know it's hard, and I feel for you so much. But you just can't let her take

over your life. You have to set boundaries. Go out with your friends. Please

start teaching yourself to not let her upset you.

I'd tell you to get a therapist, but that's hit and miss; I've never found one

who fully understands what I'm dealing with. Some folks on here have found that

therapy helps them.

HUGS and good luck!!!!

amber

> >

> > Hello everyone...I'm just found this site from reading the " Stop Walking on

Eggshells " book. I am a 28 year old woman with a BPD mother. I am hoping

someone out there has had a similar situation and can help me out. My mother

exhibits so many BPD traits but has never been diagnosed. She is hurtful and

manipulative often with me (same issues I'm sure many of you face). My friends

and other family members tell me to stop putting up with her crap but I don't

feel like that is an option for me.

> >

> > My mother has been divorced from my dad for 10 years. She is 64 and

disabled. She is now getting foreclosed on because she hasnt been paying the

mortgage on her house (because she doesn't have the money due to many years of

compulsive shopping and unemployment). This has sent my brother and I into a

whirlwind of trying to help her and get an apartment and contact banks. My

mother believes none of this is her fault. She likens it to the earthquakes in

Haiti and to people getting terminal illnesses. I know that part of the

disorder is that you can't take blame for your actions but this is especially

frustrating.

> >

> > Throughout the whole process (which still continues) she has gone from

loving and appreciative to spiteful and suicide threatening. Often many times

in the course of an hour.

> >

> > I feel incredibly selfish sometimes because I spend so much time doing her

stuff but I really want to be getting my own work done and going out with

friends and relaxing at home. I know people say to " take time for yourself " but

whenever I try I feel so guilty because I should be looking for apartments or

calling back places involved with her.

> >

> > I guess I don't know what I'm asking....just advice I suppose. I feel like

I'm wearing out my friends and my dad and my brother by always talking about her

to them and maybe you all might be a better source of support. They have

started telling me " just don't deal with her " which would be fine except I can't

do that....I can't have her end up homeless or in a shelter and know I didn't

even try to help.

> >

> > Thanks for reading.

> >

>

[Guest guest]

p.s.

My mother finally became so horrible that I didn't speak to her for a 3-month

stretch and then a 6-month stretch. In that time, she didn't have a car and she

was forced to figure out how to get rides. She's also managed to exploit the

welfare system to its full extent. It's amazing what they can manage to do when

they're forced to. They're usually too selfish to just let themselves end up

homeless.

I know it's hard, and I feel for you so much. But you just can't let her take

over your life. You have to set boundaries. Go out with your friends. Please

start teaching yourself to not let her upset you.

I'd tell you to get a therapist, but that's hit and miss; I've never found one

who fully understands what I'm dealing with. Some folks on here have found that

therapy helps them.

HUGS and good luck!!!!

amber

> >

> > Hello everyone...I'm just found this site from reading the " Stop Walking on

Eggshells " book. I am a 28 year old woman with a BPD mother. I am hoping

someone out there has had a similar situation and can help me out. My mother

exhibits so many BPD traits but has never been diagnosed. She is hurtful and

manipulative often with me (same issues I'm sure many of you face). My friends

and other family members tell me to stop putting up with her crap but I don't

feel like that is an option for me.

> >

> > My mother has been divorced from my dad for 10 years. She is 64 and

disabled. She is now getting foreclosed on because she hasnt been paying the

mortgage on her house (because she doesn't have the money due to many years of

compulsive shopping and unemployment). This has sent my brother and I into a

whirlwind of trying to help her and get an apartment and contact banks. My

mother believes none of this is her fault. She likens it to the earthquakes in

Haiti and to people getting terminal illnesses. I know that part of the

disorder is that you can't take blame for your actions but this is especially

frustrating.

> >

> > Throughout the whole process (which still continues) she has gone from

loving and appreciative to spiteful and suicide threatening. Often many times

in the course of an hour.

> >

> > I feel incredibly selfish sometimes because I spend so much time doing her

stuff but I really want to be getting my own work done and going out with

friends and relaxing at home. I know people say to " take time for yourself " but

whenever I try I feel so guilty because I should be looking for apartments or

calling back places involved with her.

> >

> > I guess I don't know what I'm asking....just advice I suppose. I feel like

I'm wearing out my friends and my dad and my brother by always talking about her

to them and maybe you all might be a better source of support. They have

started telling me " just don't deal with her " which would be fine except I can't

do that....I can't have her end up homeless or in a shelter and know I didn't

even try to help.

> >

> > Thanks for reading.

> >

>

[Guest guest]

p.s.

My mother finally became so horrible that I didn't speak to her for a 3-month

stretch and then a 6-month stretch. In that time, she didn't have a car and she

was forced to figure out how to get rides. She's also managed to exploit the

welfare system to its full extent. It's amazing what they can manage to do when

they're forced to. They're usually too selfish to just let themselves end up

homeless.

I know it's hard, and I feel for you so much. But you just can't let her take

over your life. You have to set boundaries. Go out with your friends. Please

start teaching yourself to not let her upset you.

I'd tell you to get a therapist, but that's hit and miss; I've never found one

who fully understands what I'm dealing with. Some folks on here have found that

therapy helps them.

HUGS and good luck!!!!

amber

> >

> > Hello everyone...I'm just found this site from reading the " Stop Walking on

Eggshells " book. I am a 28 year old woman with a BPD mother. I am hoping

someone out there has had a similar situation and can help me out. My mother

exhibits so many BPD traits but has never been diagnosed. She is hurtful and

manipulative often with me (same issues I'm sure many of you face). My friends

and other family members tell me to stop putting up with her crap but I don't

feel like that is an option for me.

> >

> > My mother has been divorced from my dad for 10 years. She is 64 and

disabled. She is now getting foreclosed on because she hasnt been paying the

mortgage on her house (because she doesn't have the money due to many years of

compulsive shopping and unemployment). This has sent my brother and I into a

whirlwind of trying to help her and get an apartment and contact banks. My

mother believes none of this is her fault. She likens it to the earthquakes in

Haiti and to people getting terminal illnesses. I know that part of the

disorder is that you can't take blame for your actions but this is especially

frustrating.

> >

> > Throughout the whole process (which still continues) she has gone from

loving and appreciative to spiteful and suicide threatening. Often many times

in the course of an hour.

> >

> > I feel incredibly selfish sometimes because I spend so much time doing her

stuff but I really want to be getting my own work done and going out with

friends and relaxing at home. I know people say to " take time for yourself " but

whenever I try I feel so guilty because I should be looking for apartments or

calling back places involved with her.

> >

> > I guess I don't know what I'm asking....just advice I suppose. I feel like

I'm wearing out my friends and my dad and my brother by always talking about her

to them and maybe you all might be a better source of support. They have

started telling me " just don't deal with her " which would be fine except I can't

do that....I can't have her end up homeless or in a shelter and know I didn't

even try to help.

> >

> > Thanks for reading.

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Amber-

Thank you so much for your response. It brought me to tears to read it. I

think I'm so wrapped up in my situation that the relief of hearing my same

feelings from someone else is overwhelming. At times I feel so selfish because

I sit here and here my friends talk about their moms and wish that I had mom

that could support me instead of the other way around. In fact, about a year

ago I had this dream that I was with my mom and I was upset and crying and we

were sitting down and I leaned over her lap and she wrapped her arms around me

and comforted me. I woke up and realized how truly sad that is to want a mom

that can be mom....I do want to go to therapy I just can't afford it right now.

And, like you said, it is hit or miss.

Anyway, thank you. I don't even know what to do with myself in this situation.

I'm so glad I found this group.

Mandy

>

> p.s.

>

> My mother finally became so horrible that I didn't speak to her for a 3-month

stretch and then a 6-month stretch. In that time, she didn't have a car and she

was forced to figure out how to get rides. She's also managed to exploit the

welfare system to its full extent. It's amazing what they can manage to do when

they're forced to. They're usually too selfish to just let themselves end up

homeless.

>

> I know it's hard, and I feel for you so much. But you just can't let her take

over your life. You have to set boundaries. Go out with your friends. Please

start teaching yourself to not let her upset you.

>

> I'd tell you to get a therapist, but that's hit and miss; I've never found one

who fully understands what I'm dealing with. Some folks on here have found that

therapy helps them.

>

> HUGS and good luck!!!!

>

> amber

[Guest guest]

Amber-

Thank you so much for your response. It brought me to tears to read it. I

think I'm so wrapped up in my situation that the relief of hearing my same

feelings from someone else is overwhelming. At times I feel so selfish because

I sit here and here my friends talk about their moms and wish that I had mom

that could support me instead of the other way around. In fact, about a year

ago I had this dream that I was with my mom and I was upset and crying and we

were sitting down and I leaned over her lap and she wrapped her arms around me

and comforted me. I woke up and realized how truly sad that is to want a mom

that can be mom....I do want to go to therapy I just can't afford it right now.

And, like you said, it is hit or miss.

Anyway, thank you. I don't even know what to do with myself in this situation.

I'm so glad I found this group.

Mandy

>

> p.s.

>

> My mother finally became so horrible that I didn't speak to her for a 3-month

stretch and then a 6-month stretch. In that time, she didn't have a car and she

was forced to figure out how to get rides. She's also managed to exploit the

welfare system to its full extent. It's amazing what they can manage to do when

they're forced to. They're usually too selfish to just let themselves end up

homeless.

>

> I know it's hard, and I feel for you so much. But you just can't let her take

over your life. You have to set boundaries. Go out with your friends. Please

start teaching yourself to not let her upset you.

>

> I'd tell you to get a therapist, but that's hit and miss; I've never found one

who fully understands what I'm dealing with. Some folks on here have found that

therapy helps them.

>

> HUGS and good luck!!!!

>

> amber

[Guest guest]

KT-

Thank you for your response. I really liked your advice regarding the suicide

threats. I've been trying to tell her something similar to that for a while

now. I think I will actually use some of your words next time.

Also, she upset me so much the last time I tried to talk with her about finding

an apartment (by saying that I'm and idiot and I'm selfish and I'm the least

compassionate person she knows and she doesn't know where I learned to be such a

mean-spirited person and her CAT is the only one of her children who hasn't

abandoned her, etc.) that I am leaning toward having her find her own living

arrangements.

Thank you again,

Mandy

>

> Hi!

>

> What would it be like to let your mother find her own living arrangements? I

know you said you don't want her to end up homeless or in a shelter, but if

that's what she wants you won't be able to stop her. Running to her rescue

might make you feel better, and it might keep her off the streets, but it will

also teach her that it is okay to continue to expect you to clean up the messes

of her poor decisions, and that your own needs and feelings are unimportant. I

understand that she seems helpless, but it's really not your responsibility to

rescue her. Only do so if you truly want to, and at your own risk.

>

> When she threatens to kill herself you might try saying something like, " I

hear you saying you want to kill yourself. That must feel really overwhelming.

It's hard for me to hear you say things like that, too, because I care about

you. I don't have the power to help you, because I am not responsible for your

choices. I hope you will talk to a doctor about it instead of calling me. When

you threaten to kill yourself in the future, I will have to hang up the phone. "

How would that feel? Threats like that are manipulative (whether she is

conscious of that or not); you have no control over her feelings or her actions,

and you are not responsible for her happiness or her anguish--no matter how hard

she tries to make you believe otherwise.

>

> Have you considered seeking the advice of a trained therapist? It can be very

helpful to have guidance and validation during difficult times like the one you

are facing.

>

> Glad you found the board, sorry you qualify.

>

> KT

>

[Guest guest]

and her CAT is the only one of her children who hasn't abandoned her, etc.)

that I am leaning toward having her find her own living arrangements.

Well, then, by all means--let her cat find her somewhere else to live! LOL.

I'm glad my response was helpful to you, and wish you all the best!

KT

[Guest guest]

and her CAT is the only one of her children who hasn't abandoned her, etc.)

that I am leaning toward having her find her own living arrangements.

Well, then, by all means--let her cat find her somewhere else to live! LOL.

I'm glad my response was helpful to you, and wish you all the best!

KT

[Guest guest]

and her CAT is the only one of her children who hasn't abandoned her, etc.)

that I am leaning toward having her find her own living arrangements.

Well, then, by all means--let her cat find her somewhere else to live! LOL.

I'm glad my response was helpful to you, and wish you all the best!

KT

[Guest guest]

" I feel incredibly selfish sometimes because I spend so much time doing her

stuff but I really want to be getting my own work done and going out with

friends and relaxing at home. I know people say to " take time for yourself " but

whenever I try I feel so guilty because I should be looking for apartments or

calling back places involved with her. "

I *completely* get it. Been feeling that way with two elderly handicapped

relatives I've been responsible for for the past two years. They aren't exactly

mentally healthy either, it just isn't BPD.

But I totally know the feeling of ppl saying, " Just don't do it, " and the

knowledge that if *someone* doesn't do it, they will end up thrown out on the

street due to nonpayment of bills, or sick due to no transportation to dr

visits, or with hair halfway to their rear ends due to no way to get to the

salon. And nobody else is going to do it, so that ends up being you.

It blows. People say, " Oh, you're doing such a good thing! God will bless

you. "

It still blows.

--LL.

[Guest guest]

" I feel incredibly selfish sometimes because I spend so much time doing her

stuff but I really want to be getting my own work done and going out with

friends and relaxing at home. I know people say to " take time for yourself " but

whenever I try I feel so guilty because I should be looking for apartments or

calling back places involved with her. "

I *completely* get it. Been feeling that way with two elderly handicapped

relatives I've been responsible for for the past two years. They aren't exactly

mentally healthy either, it just isn't BPD.

But I totally know the feeling of ppl saying, " Just don't do it, " and the

knowledge that if *someone* doesn't do it, they will end up thrown out on the

street due to nonpayment of bills, or sick due to no transportation to dr

visits, or with hair halfway to their rear ends due to no way to get to the

salon. And nobody else is going to do it, so that ends up being you.

It blows. People say, " Oh, you're doing such a good thing! God will bless

you. "

It still blows.

--LL.

[Guest guest]

" I feel incredibly selfish sometimes because I spend so much time doing her

stuff but I really want to be getting my own work done and going out with

friends and relaxing at home. I know people say to " take time for yourself " but

whenever I try I feel so guilty because I should be looking for apartments or

calling back places involved with her. "

I *completely* get it. Been feeling that way with two elderly handicapped

relatives I've been responsible for for the past two years. They aren't exactly

mentally healthy either, it just isn't BPD.

But I totally know the feeling of ppl saying, " Just don't do it, " and the

knowledge that if *someone* doesn't do it, they will end up thrown out on the

street due to nonpayment of bills, or sick due to no transportation to dr

visits, or with hair halfway to their rear ends due to no way to get to the

salon. And nobody else is going to do it, so that ends up being you.

It blows. People say, " Oh, you're doing such a good thing! God will bless

you. "

It still blows.

--LL.

[Guest guest]

Oh Mandy. Wishing for an emotionally stable, supportive, engaged-in-reality,

unselfish mother is anything but selfish on your part. I wish for it nearly

every day. So does my brother. We talk about it a lot. When you aren't parented,

you have to be your own parent and I've found that's slowed me down a lot in

life.

You've got a difficult road ahead of you. I've just in the last five years or so

managed to get myself emotionally untangled from my mom. I do help her still,

but I don't totally put myself out anymore to do it. I help her financially when

I can and when I feel like it, not when she bitches. When she whines and

complains about her situation I remind myself that she's the one who put herself

there and I am not obligated to ask " how high? " when my mom says " jump " . I think

of her as my occasional charity project.

I think it's helped that I have a kid now. That's when I realized that I have to

protect my family and my marriage. It also helps me very much that my friends

and family understand totally that mother is mentally disturbed. So many people

on this board have families that don't support them.

Just please don't get into a financial situation with your mom that you can't

dig yourself out of. There are programs out there she can utilize. And when she

starts telling you that you're uncaring, you really need to stop having contact

with her or limit your contact; she needs to understand that her shitty behavior

has consequences and that you won't allow yourself to be abused.

And like I said: GO OUT AND HAVE FUN!!!!!!!! Your mother is determined that you

be as miserable as she is. But you don't have to live like her. You deserve

happiness!!!

[Guest guest]

Oh Mandy. Wishing for an emotionally stable, supportive, engaged-in-reality,

unselfish mother is anything but selfish on your part. I wish for it nearly

every day. So does my brother. We talk about it a lot. When you aren't parented,

you have to be your own parent and I've found that's slowed me down a lot in

life.

You've got a difficult road ahead of you. I've just in the last five years or so

managed to get myself emotionally untangled from my mom. I do help her still,

but I don't totally put myself out anymore to do it. I help her financially when

I can and when I feel like it, not when she bitches. When she whines and

complains about her situation I remind myself that she's the one who put herself

there and I am not obligated to ask " how high? " when my mom says " jump " . I think

of her as my occasional charity project.

I think it's helped that I have a kid now. That's when I realized that I have to

protect my family and my marriage. It also helps me very much that my friends

and family understand totally that mother is mentally disturbed. So many people

on this board have families that don't support them.

Just please don't get into a financial situation with your mom that you can't

dig yourself out of. There are programs out there she can utilize. And when she

starts telling you that you're uncaring, you really need to stop having contact

with her or limit your contact; she needs to understand that her shitty behavior

has consequences and that you won't allow yourself to be abused.

And like I said: GO OUT AND HAVE FUN!!!!!!!! Your mother is determined that you

be as miserable as she is. But you don't have to live like her. You deserve

happiness!!!

[Guest guest]

Oh Mandy. Wishing for an emotionally stable, supportive, engaged-in-reality,

unselfish mother is anything but selfish on your part. I wish for it nearly

every day. So does my brother. We talk about it a lot. When you aren't parented,

you have to be your own parent and I've found that's slowed me down a lot in

life.

You've got a difficult road ahead of you. I've just in the last five years or so

managed to get myself emotionally untangled from my mom. I do help her still,

but I don't totally put myself out anymore to do it. I help her financially when

I can and when I feel like it, not when she bitches. When she whines and

complains about her situation I remind myself that she's the one who put herself

there and I am not obligated to ask " how high? " when my mom says " jump " . I think

of her as my occasional charity project.

I think it's helped that I have a kid now. That's when I realized that I have to

protect my family and my marriage. It also helps me very much that my friends

and family understand totally that mother is mentally disturbed. So many people

on this board have families that don't support them.

Just please don't get into a financial situation with your mom that you can't

dig yourself out of. There are programs out there she can utilize. And when she

starts telling you that you're uncaring, you really need to stop having contact

with her or limit your contact; she needs to understand that her shitty behavior

has consequences and that you won't allow yourself to be abused.

And like I said: GO OUT AND HAVE FUN!!!!!!!! Your mother is determined that you

be as miserable as she is. But you don't have to live like her. You deserve

happiness!!!

[Guest guest]

LL-

SO true!

It does still blow...love your dry honesty. haha!

Good luck with your stuff. It is hard. I think everyone here " gets " it for sure.

Mandy

>

> " I feel incredibly selfish sometimes because I spend so much time doing her

stuff but I really want to be getting my own work done and going out with

friends and relaxing at home. I know people say to " take time for yourself " but

whenever I try I feel so guilty because I should be looking for apartments or

calling back places involved with her. "

>

>

> I *completely* get it. Been feeling that way with two elderly handicapped

relatives I've been responsible for for the past two years. They aren't exactly

mentally healthy either, it just isn't BPD.

>

> But I totally know the feeling of ppl saying, " Just don't do it, " and the

knowledge that if *someone* doesn't do it, they will end up thrown out on the

street due to nonpayment of bills, or sick due to no transportation to dr

visits, or with hair halfway to their rear ends due to no way to get to the

salon. And nobody else is going to do it, so that ends up being you.

>

> It blows. People say, " Oh, you're doing such a good thing! God will bless

you. "

>

> It still blows.

>

> --LL.

>

[Guest guest]

LL-

SO true!

It does still blow...love your dry honesty. haha!

Good luck with your stuff. It is hard. I think everyone here " gets " it for sure.

Mandy

>

> " I feel incredibly selfish sometimes because I spend so much time doing her

stuff but I really want to be getting my own work done and going out with

friends and relaxing at home. I know people say to " take time for yourself " but

whenever I try I feel so guilty because I should be looking for apartments or

calling back places involved with her. "

>

>

> I *completely* get it. Been feeling that way with two elderly handicapped

relatives I've been responsible for for the past two years. They aren't exactly

mentally healthy either, it just isn't BPD.

>

> But I totally know the feeling of ppl saying, " Just don't do it, " and the

knowledge that if *someone* doesn't do it, they will end up thrown out on the

street due to nonpayment of bills, or sick due to no transportation to dr

visits, or with hair halfway to their rear ends due to no way to get to the

salon. And nobody else is going to do it, so that ends up being you.

>

> It blows. People say, " Oh, you're doing such a good thing! God will bless

you. "

>

> It still blows.

>

> --LL.

>

[Guest guest]

LL-

SO true!

It does still blow...love your dry honesty. haha!

Good luck with your stuff. It is hard. I think everyone here " gets " it for sure.

Mandy

>

> " I feel incredibly selfish sometimes because I spend so much time doing her

stuff but I really want to be getting my own work done and going out with

friends and relaxing at home. I know people say to " take time for yourself " but

whenever I try I feel so guilty because I should be looking for apartments or

calling back places involved with her. "

>

>

> I *completely* get it. Been feeling that way with two elderly handicapped

relatives I've been responsible for for the past two years. They aren't exactly

mentally healthy either, it just isn't BPD.

>

> But I totally know the feeling of ppl saying, " Just don't do it, " and the

knowledge that if *someone* doesn't do it, they will end up thrown out on the

street due to nonpayment of bills, or sick due to no transportation to dr

visits, or with hair halfway to their rear ends due to no way to get to the

salon. And nobody else is going to do it, so that ends up being you.

>

> It blows. People say, " Oh, you're doing such a good thing! God will bless

you. "

>

> It still blows.

>

> --LL.

>