Re: BPD Mother.....financial irresponsibility/foreclosure

[Guest guest]

Amber-

Thank you so much for your response. It brought me to tears to read it. I

think I'm so wrapped up in my situation that the relief of hearing my same

feelings from someone else is overwhelming. At times I feel so selfish because

I sit here and here my friends talk about their moms and wish that I had mom

that could support me instead of the other way around. In fact, about a year

ago I had this dream that I was with my mom and I was upset and crying and we

were sitting down and I leaned over her lap and she wrapped her arms around me

and comforted me. I woke up and realized how truly sad that is to want a mom

that can be mom....I do want to go to therapy I just can't afford it right now.

And, like you said, it is hit or miss.

Anyway, thank you. I don't even know what to do with myself in this situation.

I'm so glad I found this group.

Mandy

>

> p.s.

>

> My mother finally became so horrible that I didn't speak to her for a 3-month

stretch and then a 6-month stretch. In that time, she didn't have a car and she

was forced to figure out how to get rides. She's also managed to exploit the

welfare system to its full extent. It's amazing what they can manage to do when

they're forced to. They're usually too selfish to just let themselves end up

homeless.

>

> I know it's hard, and I feel for you so much. But you just can't let her take

over your life. You have to set boundaries. Go out with your friends. Please

start teaching yourself to not let her upset you.

>

> I'd tell you to get a therapist, but that's hit and miss; I've never found one

who fully understands what I'm dealing with. Some folks on here have found that

therapy helps them.

>

> HUGS and good luck!!!!

>

> amber

[Guest guest]

KT-

Thank you for your response. I really liked your advice regarding the suicide

threats. I've been trying to tell her something similar to that for a while

now. I think I will actually use some of your words next time.

Also, she upset me so much the last time I tried to talk with her about finding

an apartment (by saying that I'm and idiot and I'm selfish and I'm the least

compassionate person she knows and she doesn't know where I learned to be such a

mean-spirited person and her CAT is the only one of her children who hasn't

abandoned her, etc.) that I am leaning toward having her find her own living

arrangements.

Thank you again,

Mandy

>

> Hi!

>

> What would it be like to let your mother find her own living arrangements? I

know you said you don't want her to end up homeless or in a shelter, but if

that's what she wants you won't be able to stop her. Running to her rescue

might make you feel better, and it might keep her off the streets, but it will

also teach her that it is okay to continue to expect you to clean up the messes

of her poor decisions, and that your own needs and feelings are unimportant. I

understand that she seems helpless, but it's really not your responsibility to

rescue her. Only do so if you truly want to, and at your own risk.

>

> When she threatens to kill herself you might try saying something like, " I

hear you saying you want to kill yourself. That must feel really overwhelming.

It's hard for me to hear you say things like that, too, because I care about

you. I don't have the power to help you, because I am not responsible for your

choices. I hope you will talk to a doctor about it instead of calling me. When

you threaten to kill yourself in the future, I will have to hang up the phone. "

How would that feel? Threats like that are manipulative (whether she is

conscious of that or not); you have no control over her feelings or her actions,

and you are not responsible for her happiness or her anguish--no matter how hard

she tries to make you believe otherwise.

>

> Have you considered seeking the advice of a trained therapist? It can be very

helpful to have guidance and validation during difficult times like the one you

are facing.

>

> Glad you found the board, sorry you qualify.

>

> KT

>