Re: BPD Mother.....financial irresponsibility/foreclosure

[Guest guest]

KT-

Thank you for your response. I really liked your advice regarding the suicide

threats. I've been trying to tell her something similar to that for a while

now. I think I will actually use some of your words next time.

Also, she upset me so much the last time I tried to talk with her about finding

an apartment (by saying that I'm and idiot and I'm selfish and I'm the least

compassionate person she knows and she doesn't know where I learned to be such a

mean-spirited person and her CAT is the only one of her children who hasn't

abandoned her, etc.) that I am leaning toward having her find her own living

arrangements.

Thank you again,

Mandy

>

> Hi!

>

> What would it be like to let your mother find her own living arrangements? I

know you said you don't want her to end up homeless or in a shelter, but if

that's what she wants you won't be able to stop her. Running to her rescue

might make you feel better, and it might keep her off the streets, but it will

also teach her that it is okay to continue to expect you to clean up the messes

of her poor decisions, and that your own needs and feelings are unimportant. I

understand that she seems helpless, but it's really not your responsibility to

rescue her. Only do so if you truly want to, and at your own risk.

>

> When she threatens to kill herself you might try saying something like, " I

hear you saying you want to kill yourself. That must feel really overwhelming.

It's hard for me to hear you say things like that, too, because I care about

you. I don't have the power to help you, because I am not responsible for your

choices. I hope you will talk to a doctor about it instead of calling me. When

you threaten to kill yourself in the future, I will have to hang up the phone. "

How would that feel? Threats like that are manipulative (whether she is

conscious of that or not); you have no control over her feelings or her actions,

and you are not responsible for her happiness or her anguish--no matter how hard

she tries to make you believe otherwise.

>

> Have you considered seeking the advice of a trained therapist? It can be very

helpful to have guidance and validation during difficult times like the one you

are facing.

>

> Glad you found the board, sorry you qualify.

>

> KT

>