Re: Is this Bordeline behaviour? Would love your help and opinion

[Guest guest]

Yes, borderline all the way. My fada's similar (though it's either

faux-kindness, anger, or the silent treatment.) I think you handled it quite

well and you kept your boundaries! BPDs tend to be mad at boundaries,

especially when they're enforced. Sorry it was such a crappy time, between

being sick and your nada's behavior But kudos for staying strong!

Holly

>

>

> Dear Everyone,

>

> I would like to start my post by thanking everyone on this forum for

> sharing their personal experience and also for supporting and helping

> eachother out.

> I gain a lot of insight from reading your stories, and from reading other

> member's reaction to them, even if I often don't post nor write any answers

> myself.

> I am sure there a lot of people in my position, who quietly but surely gain

> wisdom and peace from all of you, so I just wanted to show my gratitude.

>

> Allright, so this put aside, I would like to share with you something that

> happend to me around Christmas time with my BP Mom.

> I went back home to France after being away for 2 years. I currently live

> in the States.

> Being away from her has always brought me a great sense of safety and, I

> guess, control, in my own environment, as I interact with her on the phone

> and try to keep things casual.

> I came back to France with my long term BF, and we stayed at my parents'

> house for a little over a week. I got the flu right away, with a very high

> fever lasting almost the whole time.

> During that week, things were fine, my Mom freaked out my BF with her

> behaviour, even though to me she was on good behaviour. She screamed, but

> not at us, and kept her episodes of anger mostly under control.

> Anyway, we then all went to my grandmother's house for Christmas, where we

> spent a few days.

> A couple days after Christmas and as our departure date was approaching, I

> came to say goodnight to my parents in their bedroom.

> My father quietly told me to go hug my Mother, who was facing the window.

> She turned around and when I saw her face, I just knew. Her face was red,

> she had been crying. I asked her what was wrong, I was totally surprised,

> since the diner + evening with all my relatives were fun. She proceeded to

> tell me that she felt we " didn't connect " during out time at my parents'

> house (when I was sick), that I spent most of my time in my bedroom, didn't

> help her enough, didn't help her cooking, didn't spend enough time with her

> etc etc.

> I tried to calm her down, say nice things, tell her I didn't want to see

> her so sad etc. I also reminded her of the times when I shared my new makeup

> with her, we played with clothes, and talk about her hair. BIG freaking

> topic, her hair. That week she was obcessing about her hair, and how ugly

> she felt, and how she could fix it. A conversation I have had a gazillion

> times with her over the years.

> My Mom shows Narcissitic Personality signs, by the way.

>

> Nothing would calm her down. She grew more aggressive and critical, telling

> me I should have helped her more with cooking, that cooking is a time to

> connect between a mother and daughter and I wasn't there to help her, etc.

> I told her I was sorry, but I felt we had had a good week together, that I

> didn't know where all that was coming from.

> She said she wanted more from me, more love, more affection etc, then said

> that our relationship had never been good.

> I told her I didn't want to see her unhappy, she replied " I have been

> unhappy for a long long time " . She sounded very pissed and sour, like I was

> to blame for it.

> I then told her that I couldn't make her happy anyway.

> Funny thing is, she then replied " Oh no, I know, it is your father's job " .

> I then said " no, Mom, YOU make yourself happy " . Oh boy. She got really

> pissed, and pointed her finger to my nose, and yelled " and YOU are superior

> and pretentious! " ...

> I knew this was going bad, and then I clearly felt she wanted to pick a

> fight with me. I told her " Mom, I will NOT pick a fight with you. I know

> you'd like us to have an argument now, but this is my Christmas vacation, I

> don't want any drama, I just want everyone to be ok and things to go smooth

> ok? "

> She was shaking, mad, crying, it was horrible. She then started to rage at

> me, about old stuff, to which I immediately said " You talk to me like this,

> and I will go away " , as I was walking away.

> My father, watching the whole scene, totally mute, stopped me then as I was

> getting out of their bedroom, and said that she was going to calm down.

> Which she did, immediately.

> I told my parents I was going to say goodnight to them, and go. It was just

> so painful, everything.

> I hugged my Dad, said I loved him. Then went to hug my Mom, which at first

> tried to push me away, then totally fell apart in my arms, crying like a

> baby, telling me how much she loved me, that she loved me so much, that

> maybe she loved me too much etc. She was squeezing me so hard and wouldn't

> let me go. I told her I loved her and other nice things. After a few minutes

> like this, she calmed down a bit. Then I walked away from their room. With a

> very heavy weight in my heart.

> The next day, my father was pissed at me because I wasn't trying hard

> enough with my Mom, my Mom was cold and mad at me too. And she proceeded to

> play the victim and talk to other relatives in the house that day, about how

> not helpful and cold I was.

> Thanks Mom.

> It makes sick to my stomach to tell this story. And sorry I wrote another

> freaking novel here.

>

> Please, if you read this, let me know what you think. Is this bordeline

> behaviour? How would you have handled this? I feel so hurt and " damaged "

> from all this crap. It's just too heavy sometimes.

>

> Thanks so much,

>

> Coralie

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Yes, borderline all the way. My fada's similar (though it's either

faux-kindness, anger, or the silent treatment.) I think you handled it quite

well and you kept your boundaries! BPDs tend to be mad at boundaries,

especially when they're enforced. Sorry it was such a crappy time, between

being sick and your nada's behavior But kudos for staying strong!

Holly

>

>

> Dear Everyone,

>

> I would like to start my post by thanking everyone on this forum for

> sharing their personal experience and also for supporting and helping

> eachother out.

> I gain a lot of insight from reading your stories, and from reading other

> member's reaction to them, even if I often don't post nor write any answers

> myself.

> I am sure there a lot of people in my position, who quietly but surely gain

> wisdom and peace from all of you, so I just wanted to show my gratitude.

>

> Allright, so this put aside, I would like to share with you something that

> happend to me around Christmas time with my BP Mom.

> I went back home to France after being away for 2 years. I currently live

> in the States.

> Being away from her has always brought me a great sense of safety and, I

> guess, control, in my own environment, as I interact with her on the phone

> and try to keep things casual.

> I came back to France with my long term BF, and we stayed at my parents'

> house for a little over a week. I got the flu right away, with a very high

> fever lasting almost the whole time.

> During that week, things were fine, my Mom freaked out my BF with her

> behaviour, even though to me she was on good behaviour. She screamed, but

> not at us, and kept her episodes of anger mostly under control.

> Anyway, we then all went to my grandmother's house for Christmas, where we

> spent a few days.

> A couple days after Christmas and as our departure date was approaching, I

> came to say goodnight to my parents in their bedroom.

> My father quietly told me to go hug my Mother, who was facing the window.

> She turned around and when I saw her face, I just knew. Her face was red,

> she had been crying. I asked her what was wrong, I was totally surprised,

> since the diner + evening with all my relatives were fun. She proceeded to

> tell me that she felt we " didn't connect " during out time at my parents'

> house (when I was sick), that I spent most of my time in my bedroom, didn't

> help her enough, didn't help her cooking, didn't spend enough time with her

> etc etc.

> I tried to calm her down, say nice things, tell her I didn't want to see

> her so sad etc. I also reminded her of the times when I shared my new makeup

> with her, we played with clothes, and talk about her hair. BIG freaking

> topic, her hair. That week she was obcessing about her hair, and how ugly

> she felt, and how she could fix it. A conversation I have had a gazillion

> times with her over the years.

> My Mom shows Narcissitic Personality signs, by the way.

>

> Nothing would calm her down. She grew more aggressive and critical, telling

> me I should have helped her more with cooking, that cooking is a time to

> connect between a mother and daughter and I wasn't there to help her, etc.

> I told her I was sorry, but I felt we had had a good week together, that I

> didn't know where all that was coming from.

> She said she wanted more from me, more love, more affection etc, then said

> that our relationship had never been good.

> I told her I didn't want to see her unhappy, she replied " I have been

> unhappy for a long long time " . She sounded very pissed and sour, like I was

> to blame for it.

> I then told her that I couldn't make her happy anyway.

> Funny thing is, she then replied " Oh no, I know, it is your father's job " .

> I then said " no, Mom, YOU make yourself happy " . Oh boy. She got really

> pissed, and pointed her finger to my nose, and yelled " and YOU are superior

> and pretentious! " ...

> I knew this was going bad, and then I clearly felt she wanted to pick a

> fight with me. I told her " Mom, I will NOT pick a fight with you. I know

> you'd like us to have an argument now, but this is my Christmas vacation, I

> don't want any drama, I just want everyone to be ok and things to go smooth

> ok? "

> She was shaking, mad, crying, it was horrible. She then started to rage at

> me, about old stuff, to which I immediately said " You talk to me like this,

> and I will go away " , as I was walking away.

> My father, watching the whole scene, totally mute, stopped me then as I was

> getting out of their bedroom, and said that she was going to calm down.

> Which she did, immediately.

> I told my parents I was going to say goodnight to them, and go. It was just

> so painful, everything.

> I hugged my Dad, said I loved him. Then went to hug my Mom, which at first

> tried to push me away, then totally fell apart in my arms, crying like a

> baby, telling me how much she loved me, that she loved me so much, that

> maybe she loved me too much etc. She was squeezing me so hard and wouldn't

> let me go. I told her I loved her and other nice things. After a few minutes

> like this, she calmed down a bit. Then I walked away from their room. With a

> very heavy weight in my heart.

> The next day, my father was pissed at me because I wasn't trying hard

> enough with my Mom, my Mom was cold and mad at me too. And she proceeded to

> play the victim and talk to other relatives in the house that day, about how

> not helpful and cold I was.

> Thanks Mom.

> It makes sick to my stomach to tell this story. And sorry I wrote another

> freaking novel here.

>

> Please, if you read this, let me know what you think. Is this bordeline

> behaviour? How would you have handled this? I feel so hurt and " damaged "

> from all this crap. It's just too heavy sometimes.

>

> Thanks so much,

>

> Coralie

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Yes, borderline all the way. My fada's similar (though it's either

faux-kindness, anger, or the silent treatment.) I think you handled it quite

well and you kept your boundaries! BPDs tend to be mad at boundaries,

especially when they're enforced. Sorry it was such a crappy time, between

being sick and your nada's behavior But kudos for staying strong!

Holly

>

>

> Dear Everyone,

>

> I would like to start my post by thanking everyone on this forum for

> sharing their personal experience and also for supporting and helping

> eachother out.

> I gain a lot of insight from reading your stories, and from reading other

> member's reaction to them, even if I often don't post nor write any answers

> myself.

> I am sure there a lot of people in my position, who quietly but surely gain

> wisdom and peace from all of you, so I just wanted to show my gratitude.

>

> Allright, so this put aside, I would like to share with you something that

> happend to me around Christmas time with my BP Mom.

> I went back home to France after being away for 2 years. I currently live

> in the States.

> Being away from her has always brought me a great sense of safety and, I

> guess, control, in my own environment, as I interact with her on the phone

> and try to keep things casual.

> I came back to France with my long term BF, and we stayed at my parents'

> house for a little over a week. I got the flu right away, with a very high

> fever lasting almost the whole time.

> During that week, things were fine, my Mom freaked out my BF with her

> behaviour, even though to me she was on good behaviour. She screamed, but

> not at us, and kept her episodes of anger mostly under control.

> Anyway, we then all went to my grandmother's house for Christmas, where we

> spent a few days.

> A couple days after Christmas and as our departure date was approaching, I

> came to say goodnight to my parents in their bedroom.

> My father quietly told me to go hug my Mother, who was facing the window.

> She turned around and when I saw her face, I just knew. Her face was red,

> she had been crying. I asked her what was wrong, I was totally surprised,

> since the diner + evening with all my relatives were fun. She proceeded to

> tell me that she felt we " didn't connect " during out time at my parents'

> house (when I was sick), that I spent most of my time in my bedroom, didn't

> help her enough, didn't help her cooking, didn't spend enough time with her

> etc etc.

> I tried to calm her down, say nice things, tell her I didn't want to see

> her so sad etc. I also reminded her of the times when I shared my new makeup

> with her, we played with clothes, and talk about her hair. BIG freaking

> topic, her hair. That week she was obcessing about her hair, and how ugly

> she felt, and how she could fix it. A conversation I have had a gazillion

> times with her over the years.

> My Mom shows Narcissitic Personality signs, by the way.

>

> Nothing would calm her down. She grew more aggressive and critical, telling

> me I should have helped her more with cooking, that cooking is a time to

> connect between a mother and daughter and I wasn't there to help her, etc.

> I told her I was sorry, but I felt we had had a good week together, that I

> didn't know where all that was coming from.

> She said she wanted more from me, more love, more affection etc, then said

> that our relationship had never been good.

> I told her I didn't want to see her unhappy, she replied " I have been

> unhappy for a long long time " . She sounded very pissed and sour, like I was

> to blame for it.

> I then told her that I couldn't make her happy anyway.

> Funny thing is, she then replied " Oh no, I know, it is your father's job " .

> I then said " no, Mom, YOU make yourself happy " . Oh boy. She got really

> pissed, and pointed her finger to my nose, and yelled " and YOU are superior

> and pretentious! " ...

> I knew this was going bad, and then I clearly felt she wanted to pick a

> fight with me. I told her " Mom, I will NOT pick a fight with you. I know

> you'd like us to have an argument now, but this is my Christmas vacation, I

> don't want any drama, I just want everyone to be ok and things to go smooth

> ok? "

> She was shaking, mad, crying, it was horrible. She then started to rage at

> me, about old stuff, to which I immediately said " You talk to me like this,

> and I will go away " , as I was walking away.

> My father, watching the whole scene, totally mute, stopped me then as I was

> getting out of their bedroom, and said that she was going to calm down.

> Which she did, immediately.

> I told my parents I was going to say goodnight to them, and go. It was just

> so painful, everything.

> I hugged my Dad, said I loved him. Then went to hug my Mom, which at first

> tried to push me away, then totally fell apart in my arms, crying like a

> baby, telling me how much she loved me, that she loved me so much, that

> maybe she loved me too much etc. She was squeezing me so hard and wouldn't

> let me go. I told her I loved her and other nice things. After a few minutes

> like this, she calmed down a bit. Then I walked away from their room. With a

> very heavy weight in my heart.

> The next day, my father was pissed at me because I wasn't trying hard

> enough with my Mom, my Mom was cold and mad at me too. And she proceeded to

> play the victim and talk to other relatives in the house that day, about how

> not helpful and cold I was.

> Thanks Mom.

> It makes sick to my stomach to tell this story. And sorry I wrote another

> freaking novel here.

>

> Please, if you read this, let me know what you think. Is this bordeline

> behaviour? How would you have handled this? I feel so hurt and " damaged "

> from all this crap. It's just too heavy sometimes.

>

> Thanks so much,

>

> Coralie

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Hi Coralie,

Here's a virtual hug for you (((((Coralie))))).

In my (amateur, non-professional) opinion the behaviors you've describe are very

much on target: borderline pd, and narcissistic pd. Your mother's erratic and

rapid mood swings are due to the emotional dysregulation of borderline pd, and

her claims that " You never give me enough time, you're not close enough to me,

you didn't help me cook, etc. " when you were really ill (!!) are the

narcissistic pd.

And your dad appears to be a classic enmeshed enabler; he caters to her bad

behaviors and even pressures you to cater to her also.

The sad reality is that those with personality disorder are suffering from very

distorted perceptions and thinking. Their reality is fragmented and

inconsistent and they tend to view their loved ones as either all-good or

all-bad from moment to moment.

On top of the cognitive distortion, the person with bpd (for the most part)

firmly believes that there is nothing wrong with them, they feel justified in

their view of reality, they believe that all their problems are caused by other

people or forces outside themselves, and that other people are lying to them and

can't be trusted. They have no reason to seek therapy, because to their mind

there is nothing wrong with them: its you causing the problems.

Unless or until your mother is willing to admit that she has a psychiatric

problem and is willing to seek help for it, there is not much hope of

improvements in her behaviors. You did not cause your mother to have this

mental illness, and there is nothing you can possibly do or say that can cure

her.

All you can do is decide for yourself what behaviors of hers you are willing or

not willing to tolerate, how much if any contact you want with her, if any, and

under what conditions.

My suggestion is that you start reading and educating yourself about personality

disorder, about how to set and maintain boundaries for yourself, and about

overcoming misplaced and inappropriate guilt for your mother's feelings. " Stop

Walking On Eggshells " is good, and " Surviving A Borderline Parent " , and

" Boundaries " , and " Co-Dependent No More " , and " Understanding The Borderline

Mother. " There is a whole reading list of recommended books at the home site

for this Group.

I think the hardest bpd behaviors of all to cope with as an adult is when the

borderline parent becomes child-like, frightened and needy. All my life I had

to cope with a scary, angry, demanding, violent, perfectionistic, unpleasable

Cluster B pd mother, and now in old age she is turning " Waifish " or child-like

and pitiful. I can deal with the Witch and the Queen now pretty well, but the

frightened, needy child of a mother is a new twist for me and I'm having a hard

time getting a handle on this new behavior from my bpd/npd/aspd mother, myself.

So, I totally empathize with your situation.

Whether to maintain contact with a bpd parent is something we have to decide for

ourselves; its very individual.

-Annie

>

> Dear Everyone,

>

> I would like to start my post by thanking everyone on this forum for sharing

their personal experience and also for supporting and helping eachother out.

> I gain a lot of insight from reading your stories, and from reading other

member's reaction to them, even if I often don't post nor write any answers

myself.

> I am sure there a lot of people in my position, who quietly but surely gain

wisdom and peace from all of you, so I just wanted to show my gratitude.

>

> Allright, so this put aside, I would like to share with you something that

happend to me around Christmas time with my BP Mom.

> I went back home to France after being away for 2 years. I currently live in

the States.

> Being away from her has always brought me a great sense of safety and, I

guess, control, in my own environment, as I interact with her on the phone and

try to keep things casual.

> I came back to France with my long term BF, and we stayed at my parents' house

for a little over a week. I got the flu right away, with a very high fever

lasting almost the whole time.

> During that week, things were fine, my Mom freaked out my BF with her

behaviour, even though to me she was on good behaviour. She screamed, but not at

us, and kept her episodes of anger mostly under control.

> Anyway, we then all went to my grandmother's house for Christmas, where we

spent a few days.

> A couple days after Christmas and as our departure date was approaching, I

came to say goodnight to my parents in their bedroom.

> My father quietly told me to go hug my Mother, who was facing the window. She

turned around and when I saw her face, I just knew. Her face was red, she had

been crying. I asked her what was wrong, I was totally surprised, since the

diner + evening with all my relatives were fun. She proceeded to tell me that

she felt we " didn't connect " during out time at my parents' house (when I was

sick), that I spent most of my time in my bedroom, didn't help her enough,

didn't help her cooking, didn't spend enough time with her etc etc.

> I tried to calm her down, say nice things, tell her I didn't want to see her

so sad etc. I also reminded her of the times when I shared my new makeup with

her, we played with clothes, and talk about her hair. BIG freaking topic, her

hair. That week she was obcessing about her hair, and how ugly she felt, and how

she could fix it. A conversation I have had a gazillion times with her over the

years.

> My Mom shows Narcissitic Personality signs, by the way.

>

> Nothing would calm her down. She grew more aggressive and critical, telling me

I should have helped her more with cooking, that cooking is a time to connect

between a mother and daughter and I wasn't there to help her, etc.

> I told her I was sorry, but I felt we had had a good week together, that I

didn't know where all that was coming from.

> She said she wanted more from me, more love, more affection etc, then said

that our relationship had never been good.

> I told her I didn't want to see her unhappy, she replied " I have been unhappy

for a long long time " . She sounded very pissed and sour, like I was to blame for

it.

> I then told her that I couldn't make her happy anyway.

> Funny thing is, she then replied " Oh no, I know, it is your father's job " .

> I then said " no, Mom, YOU make yourself happy " . Oh boy. She got really pissed,

and pointed her finger to my nose, and yelled " and YOU are superior and

pretentious! " ...

> I knew this was going bad, and then I clearly felt she wanted to pick a fight

with me. I told her " Mom, I will NOT pick a fight with you. I know you'd like us

to have an argument now, but this is my Christmas vacation, I don't want any

drama, I just want everyone to be ok and things to go smooth ok? "

> She was shaking, mad, crying, it was horrible. She then started to rage at me,

about old stuff, to which I immediately said " You talk to me like this, and I

will go away " , as I was walking away.

> My father, watching the whole scene, totally mute, stopped me then as I was

getting out of their bedroom, and said that she was going to calm down. Which

she did, immediately.

> I told my parents I was going to say goodnight to them, and go. It was just so

painful, everything.

> I hugged my Dad, said I loved him. Then went to hug my Mom, which at first

tried to push me away, then totally fell apart in my arms, crying like a baby,

telling me how much she loved me, that she loved me so much, that maybe she

loved me too much etc. She was squeezing me so hard and wouldn't let me go. I

told her I loved her and other nice things. After a few minutes like this, she

calmed down a bit. Then I walked away from their room. With a very heavy weight

in my heart.

> The next day, my father was pissed at me because I wasn't trying hard enough

with my Mom, my Mom was cold and mad at me too. And she proceeded to play the

victim and talk to other relatives in the house that day, about how not helpful

and cold I was.

> Thanks Mom.

> It makes sick to my stomach to tell this story. And sorry I wrote another

freaking novel here.

>

> Please, if you read this, let me know what you think. Is this bordeline

behaviour? How would you have handled this? I feel so hurt and " damaged " from

all this crap. It's just too heavy sometimes.

>

> Thanks so much,

>

> Coralie

>

[Guest guest]

Hi Coralie,

Here's a virtual hug for you (((((Coralie))))).

In my (amateur, non-professional) opinion the behaviors you've describe are very

much on target: borderline pd, and narcissistic pd. Your mother's erratic and

rapid mood swings are due to the emotional dysregulation of borderline pd, and

her claims that " You never give me enough time, you're not close enough to me,

you didn't help me cook, etc. " when you were really ill (!!) are the

narcissistic pd.

And your dad appears to be a classic enmeshed enabler; he caters to her bad

behaviors and even pressures you to cater to her also.

The sad reality is that those with personality disorder are suffering from very

distorted perceptions and thinking. Their reality is fragmented and

inconsistent and they tend to view their loved ones as either all-good or

all-bad from moment to moment.

On top of the cognitive distortion, the person with bpd (for the most part)

firmly believes that there is nothing wrong with them, they feel justified in

their view of reality, they believe that all their problems are caused by other

people or forces outside themselves, and that other people are lying to them and

can't be trusted. They have no reason to seek therapy, because to their mind

there is nothing wrong with them: its you causing the problems.

Unless or until your mother is willing to admit that she has a psychiatric

problem and is willing to seek help for it, there is not much hope of

improvements in her behaviors. You did not cause your mother to have this

mental illness, and there is nothing you can possibly do or say that can cure

her.

All you can do is decide for yourself what behaviors of hers you are willing or

not willing to tolerate, how much if any contact you want with her, if any, and

under what conditions.

My suggestion is that you start reading and educating yourself about personality

disorder, about how to set and maintain boundaries for yourself, and about

overcoming misplaced and inappropriate guilt for your mother's feelings. " Stop

Walking On Eggshells " is good, and " Surviving A Borderline Parent " , and

" Boundaries " , and " Co-Dependent No More " , and " Understanding The Borderline

Mother. " There is a whole reading list of recommended books at the home site

for this Group.

I think the hardest bpd behaviors of all to cope with as an adult is when the

borderline parent becomes child-like, frightened and needy. All my life I had

to cope with a scary, angry, demanding, violent, perfectionistic, unpleasable

Cluster B pd mother, and now in old age she is turning " Waifish " or child-like

and pitiful. I can deal with the Witch and the Queen now pretty well, but the

frightened, needy child of a mother is a new twist for me and I'm having a hard

time getting a handle on this new behavior from my bpd/npd/aspd mother, myself.

So, I totally empathize with your situation.

Whether to maintain contact with a bpd parent is something we have to decide for

ourselves; its very individual.

-Annie

>

> Dear Everyone,

>

> I would like to start my post by thanking everyone on this forum for sharing

their personal experience and also for supporting and helping eachother out.

> I gain a lot of insight from reading your stories, and from reading other

member's reaction to them, even if I often don't post nor write any answers

myself.

> I am sure there a lot of people in my position, who quietly but surely gain

wisdom and peace from all of you, so I just wanted to show my gratitude.

>

> Allright, so this put aside, I would like to share with you something that

happend to me around Christmas time with my BP Mom.

> I went back home to France after being away for 2 years. I currently live in

the States.

> Being away from her has always brought me a great sense of safety and, I

guess, control, in my own environment, as I interact with her on the phone and

try to keep things casual.

> I came back to France with my long term BF, and we stayed at my parents' house

for a little over a week. I got the flu right away, with a very high fever

lasting almost the whole time.

> During that week, things were fine, my Mom freaked out my BF with her

behaviour, even though to me she was on good behaviour. She screamed, but not at

us, and kept her episodes of anger mostly under control.

> Anyway, we then all went to my grandmother's house for Christmas, where we

spent a few days.

> A couple days after Christmas and as our departure date was approaching, I

came to say goodnight to my parents in their bedroom.

> My father quietly told me to go hug my Mother, who was facing the window. She

turned around and when I saw her face, I just knew. Her face was red, she had

been crying. I asked her what was wrong, I was totally surprised, since the

diner + evening with all my relatives were fun. She proceeded to tell me that

she felt we " didn't connect " during out time at my parents' house (when I was

sick), that I spent most of my time in my bedroom, didn't help her enough,

didn't help her cooking, didn't spend enough time with her etc etc.

> I tried to calm her down, say nice things, tell her I didn't want to see her

so sad etc. I also reminded her of the times when I shared my new makeup with

her, we played with clothes, and talk about her hair. BIG freaking topic, her

hair. That week she was obcessing about her hair, and how ugly she felt, and how

she could fix it. A conversation I have had a gazillion times with her over the

years.

> My Mom shows Narcissitic Personality signs, by the way.

>

> Nothing would calm her down. She grew more aggressive and critical, telling me

I should have helped her more with cooking, that cooking is a time to connect

between a mother and daughter and I wasn't there to help her, etc.

> I told her I was sorry, but I felt we had had a good week together, that I

didn't know where all that was coming from.

> She said she wanted more from me, more love, more affection etc, then said

that our relationship had never been good.

> I told her I didn't want to see her unhappy, she replied " I have been unhappy

for a long long time " . She sounded very pissed and sour, like I was to blame for

it.

> I then told her that I couldn't make her happy anyway.

> Funny thing is, she then replied " Oh no, I know, it is your father's job " .

> I then said " no, Mom, YOU make yourself happy " . Oh boy. She got really pissed,

and pointed her finger to my nose, and yelled " and YOU are superior and

pretentious! " ...

> I knew this was going bad, and then I clearly felt she wanted to pick a fight

with me. I told her " Mom, I will NOT pick a fight with you. I know you'd like us

to have an argument now, but this is my Christmas vacation, I don't want any

drama, I just want everyone to be ok and things to go smooth ok? "

> She was shaking, mad, crying, it was horrible. She then started to rage at me,

about old stuff, to which I immediately said " You talk to me like this, and I

will go away " , as I was walking away.

> My father, watching the whole scene, totally mute, stopped me then as I was

getting out of their bedroom, and said that she was going to calm down. Which

she did, immediately.

> I told my parents I was going to say goodnight to them, and go. It was just so

painful, everything.

> I hugged my Dad, said I loved him. Then went to hug my Mom, which at first

tried to push me away, then totally fell apart in my arms, crying like a baby,

telling me how much she loved me, that she loved me so much, that maybe she

loved me too much etc. She was squeezing me so hard and wouldn't let me go. I

told her I loved her and other nice things. After a few minutes like this, she

calmed down a bit. Then I walked away from their room. With a very heavy weight

in my heart.

> The next day, my father was pissed at me because I wasn't trying hard enough

with my Mom, my Mom was cold and mad at me too. And she proceeded to play the

victim and talk to other relatives in the house that day, about how not helpful

and cold I was.

> Thanks Mom.

> It makes sick to my stomach to tell this story. And sorry I wrote another

freaking novel here.

>

> Please, if you read this, let me know what you think. Is this bordeline

behaviour? How would you have handled this? I feel so hurt and " damaged " from

all this crap. It's just too heavy sometimes.

>

> Thanks so much,

>

> Coralie

>

[Guest guest]

Hi Coralie,

Here's a virtual hug for you (((((Coralie))))).

In my (amateur, non-professional) opinion the behaviors you've describe are very

much on target: borderline pd, and narcissistic pd. Your mother's erratic and

rapid mood swings are due to the emotional dysregulation of borderline pd, and

her claims that " You never give me enough time, you're not close enough to me,

you didn't help me cook, etc. " when you were really ill (!!) are the

narcissistic pd.

And your dad appears to be a classic enmeshed enabler; he caters to her bad

behaviors and even pressures you to cater to her also.

The sad reality is that those with personality disorder are suffering from very

distorted perceptions and thinking. Their reality is fragmented and

inconsistent and they tend to view their loved ones as either all-good or

all-bad from moment to moment.

On top of the cognitive distortion, the person with bpd (for the most part)

firmly believes that there is nothing wrong with them, they feel justified in

their view of reality, they believe that all their problems are caused by other

people or forces outside themselves, and that other people are lying to them and

can't be trusted. They have no reason to seek therapy, because to their mind

there is nothing wrong with them: its you causing the problems.

Unless or until your mother is willing to admit that she has a psychiatric

problem and is willing to seek help for it, there is not much hope of

improvements in her behaviors. You did not cause your mother to have this

mental illness, and there is nothing you can possibly do or say that can cure

her.

All you can do is decide for yourself what behaviors of hers you are willing or

not willing to tolerate, how much if any contact you want with her, if any, and

under what conditions.

My suggestion is that you start reading and educating yourself about personality

disorder, about how to set and maintain boundaries for yourself, and about

overcoming misplaced and inappropriate guilt for your mother's feelings. " Stop

Walking On Eggshells " is good, and " Surviving A Borderline Parent " , and

" Boundaries " , and " Co-Dependent No More " , and " Understanding The Borderline

Mother. " There is a whole reading list of recommended books at the home site

for this Group.

I think the hardest bpd behaviors of all to cope with as an adult is when the

borderline parent becomes child-like, frightened and needy. All my life I had

to cope with a scary, angry, demanding, violent, perfectionistic, unpleasable

Cluster B pd mother, and now in old age she is turning " Waifish " or child-like

and pitiful. I can deal with the Witch and the Queen now pretty well, but the

frightened, needy child of a mother is a new twist for me and I'm having a hard

time getting a handle on this new behavior from my bpd/npd/aspd mother, myself.

So, I totally empathize with your situation.

Whether to maintain contact with a bpd parent is something we have to decide for

ourselves; its very individual.

-Annie

>

> Dear Everyone,

>

> I would like to start my post by thanking everyone on this forum for sharing

their personal experience and also for supporting and helping eachother out.

> I gain a lot of insight from reading your stories, and from reading other

member's reaction to them, even if I often don't post nor write any answers

myself.

> I am sure there a lot of people in my position, who quietly but surely gain

wisdom and peace from all of you, so I just wanted to show my gratitude.

>

> Allright, so this put aside, I would like to share with you something that

happend to me around Christmas time with my BP Mom.

> I went back home to France after being away for 2 years. I currently live in

the States.

> Being away from her has always brought me a great sense of safety and, I

guess, control, in my own environment, as I interact with her on the phone and

try to keep things casual.

> I came back to France with my long term BF, and we stayed at my parents' house

for a little over a week. I got the flu right away, with a very high fever

lasting almost the whole time.

> During that week, things were fine, my Mom freaked out my BF with her

behaviour, even though to me she was on good behaviour. She screamed, but not at

us, and kept her episodes of anger mostly under control.

> Anyway, we then all went to my grandmother's house for Christmas, where we

spent a few days.

> A couple days after Christmas and as our departure date was approaching, I

came to say goodnight to my parents in their bedroom.

> My father quietly told me to go hug my Mother, who was facing the window. She

turned around and when I saw her face, I just knew. Her face was red, she had

been crying. I asked her what was wrong, I was totally surprised, since the

diner + evening with all my relatives were fun. She proceeded to tell me that

she felt we " didn't connect " during out time at my parents' house (when I was

sick), that I spent most of my time in my bedroom, didn't help her enough,

didn't help her cooking, didn't spend enough time with her etc etc.

> I tried to calm her down, say nice things, tell her I didn't want to see her

so sad etc. I also reminded her of the times when I shared my new makeup with

her, we played with clothes, and talk about her hair. BIG freaking topic, her

hair. That week she was obcessing about her hair, and how ugly she felt, and how

she could fix it. A conversation I have had a gazillion times with her over the

years.

> My Mom shows Narcissitic Personality signs, by the way.

>

> Nothing would calm her down. She grew more aggressive and critical, telling me

I should have helped her more with cooking, that cooking is a time to connect

between a mother and daughter and I wasn't there to help her, etc.

> I told her I was sorry, but I felt we had had a good week together, that I

didn't know where all that was coming from.

> She said she wanted more from me, more love, more affection etc, then said

that our relationship had never been good.

> I told her I didn't want to see her unhappy, she replied " I have been unhappy

for a long long time " . She sounded very pissed and sour, like I was to blame for

it.

> I then told her that I couldn't make her happy anyway.

> Funny thing is, she then replied " Oh no, I know, it is your father's job " .

> I then said " no, Mom, YOU make yourself happy " . Oh boy. She got really pissed,

and pointed her finger to my nose, and yelled " and YOU are superior and

pretentious! " ...

> I knew this was going bad, and then I clearly felt she wanted to pick a fight

with me. I told her " Mom, I will NOT pick a fight with you. I know you'd like us

to have an argument now, but this is my Christmas vacation, I don't want any

drama, I just want everyone to be ok and things to go smooth ok? "

> She was shaking, mad, crying, it was horrible. She then started to rage at me,

about old stuff, to which I immediately said " You talk to me like this, and I

will go away " , as I was walking away.

> My father, watching the whole scene, totally mute, stopped me then as I was

getting out of their bedroom, and said that she was going to calm down. Which

she did, immediately.

> I told my parents I was going to say goodnight to them, and go. It was just so

painful, everything.

> I hugged my Dad, said I loved him. Then went to hug my Mom, which at first

tried to push me away, then totally fell apart in my arms, crying like a baby,

telling me how much she loved me, that she loved me so much, that maybe she

loved me too much etc. She was squeezing me so hard and wouldn't let me go. I

told her I loved her and other nice things. After a few minutes like this, she

calmed down a bit. Then I walked away from their room. With a very heavy weight

in my heart.

> The next day, my father was pissed at me because I wasn't trying hard enough

with my Mom, my Mom was cold and mad at me too. And she proceeded to play the

victim and talk to other relatives in the house that day, about how not helpful

and cold I was.

> Thanks Mom.

> It makes sick to my stomach to tell this story. And sorry I wrote another

freaking novel here.

>

> Please, if you read this, let me know what you think. Is this bordeline

behaviour? How would you have handled this? I feel so hurt and " damaged " from

all this crap. It's just too heavy sometimes.

>

> Thanks so much,

>

> Coralie

>

[Guest guest]

Oh goodness Coralie, you were a saint to not have become overly engaged in the

drama. Sounds like dad has good intentions but enables her behavior. That

often happens with couples. That's one way they show their love for each other

without realizing what they are doing.

My nada used to pull that stuff on me all the time. No matter what I did, I

didn't love her enough, help her enough, I made my kids and self first before

her and that was proof I was no good and completely worthless at being family.

Its all about the lies my nada tells herself. Inside, she feels unloving and

unworthy and if I do not demonstrate my love for her the way she thinks I

should, I despise her. So not true. Her perspective is skewed by her own

self-loathing and she must project it onto me or she could not deal with the

pain. If I am the cause, she does not have to deal with what she does to

herself.

I love my nada and I see the gaping abyss inside of her wehre only fear,

self-loathing, hatred and vengeance lives. Sadly, she is only interested in

vengeance and doing everything she can to make me (and everyone else around her)

feel that gaping abyss inside her. I cannot fix that nor can I tolerate having

that in my life. I have gone completely NC with her and do not plan to change

that ever. I am happy and peaceful and do not have to be subjected to guilt,

manipulation and insanity. I am not strong enough to stand in her presence and

expend energy with every breath setting boundaries and untangling her delusions.

But that is just me. I need to keep myself in good emotional health so I can be

the best mother for my own children. I can't do that with my nada hurting me

all the time. We all have choices to make. She chooses pain and to inflict it

with such vitriol that its mind bending. I do not allow people like that into

my life any more in any way.

Get yourself well educated on the tendencies of BDP and NPD. NPD can be just as

challenging to deal with. I have an ex I suspect was either NPD or BPD...he

had tendencies of many things bordering on extreme insecurity, delusional word

twisting, overly inflated sense of self worth (he told me once people looked at

him as if he were the messiah) feeling destroying madness inside of him. Tough

to handle. Imagine having nada and an ex with the same tendencies in the house

at the same time. Oh goodness...although I timed their respective departures

from my life 6 months apart, the wounds their vengeance inflicted still stings

to this day. Time heals all wounds though and learning about what I'm dealing

with helped me understand it wasn't about me.

I wish you the best and hope you keep arming yourself with information and lots

of self love to keep your mom's actions from doing more damage.

Blessings!

jaie

[Guest guest]

Oh goodness Coralie, you were a saint to not have become overly engaged in the

drama. Sounds like dad has good intentions but enables her behavior. That

often happens with couples. That's one way they show their love for each other

without realizing what they are doing.

My nada used to pull that stuff on me all the time. No matter what I did, I

didn't love her enough, help her enough, I made my kids and self first before

her and that was proof I was no good and completely worthless at being family.

Its all about the lies my nada tells herself. Inside, she feels unloving and

unworthy and if I do not demonstrate my love for her the way she thinks I

should, I despise her. So not true. Her perspective is skewed by her own

self-loathing and she must project it onto me or she could not deal with the

pain. If I am the cause, she does not have to deal with what she does to

herself.

I love my nada and I see the gaping abyss inside of her wehre only fear,

self-loathing, hatred and vengeance lives. Sadly, she is only interested in

vengeance and doing everything she can to make me (and everyone else around her)

feel that gaping abyss inside her. I cannot fix that nor can I tolerate having

that in my life. I have gone completely NC with her and do not plan to change

that ever. I am happy and peaceful and do not have to be subjected to guilt,

manipulation and insanity. I am not strong enough to stand in her presence and

expend energy with every breath setting boundaries and untangling her delusions.

But that is just me. I need to keep myself in good emotional health so I can be

the best mother for my own children. I can't do that with my nada hurting me

all the time. We all have choices to make. She chooses pain and to inflict it

with such vitriol that its mind bending. I do not allow people like that into

my life any more in any way.

Get yourself well educated on the tendencies of BDP and NPD. NPD can be just as

challenging to deal with. I have an ex I suspect was either NPD or BPD...he

had tendencies of many things bordering on extreme insecurity, delusional word

twisting, overly inflated sense of self worth (he told me once people looked at

him as if he were the messiah) feeling destroying madness inside of him. Tough

to handle. Imagine having nada and an ex with the same tendencies in the house

at the same time. Oh goodness...although I timed their respective departures

from my life 6 months apart, the wounds their vengeance inflicted still stings

to this day. Time heals all wounds though and learning about what I'm dealing

with helped me understand it wasn't about me.

I wish you the best and hope you keep arming yourself with information and lots

of self love to keep your mom's actions from doing more damage.

Blessings!

jaie

[Guest guest]

Coralie,

I don't have any advice to give or any suggestions. I just wanted to say that

it's scary how similar your description of this episode with your mother and her

behavior is to what happened with me and my mother over Christmas. I'm certainly

not happy that either of us had to experience it, but it confirms my belief that

my mother is suffering from BPD and that I'm not imagining it. When you

described your mother's behavior, I could see exactly in my head and replayed

strangely parallel moments with my mom.

I'm sorry you had to experience that on the holidays, but thank you for sharing.

[Guest guest]

Hi Coralie! I'm just going to echo what others have said here; this sure sounds

like Borderline behavior, and as you said, there's probably some narcissim

thrown in there. It wouldn't have mattered how you responded to her, things

would've ended badly.

And yes, it's heavy for the child to take. Now that you understand what you're

dealing with, you're going to have to start on the journey to figure out how

you're going to move forward. Some people find that limited contact (LC) and

boundary setting work OK for them. Other people find that there's no other

solution than to cut contact altogether. (NC)

The bottom line that's so hard to wrap your head around is that there's

literally nothing you can do to improve your relationship because your mother's

simply not capable of being that mature.

I'm sorry your hurting. My mother is very needy too. She's like a little child.

Somehow, I can take care of my young child just fine; my mother's needyness

drains everything from me: energy, happiness, money ... you name it.

>

> Dear Everyone,

>

> I would like to start my post by thanking everyone on this forum for sharing

their personal experience and also for supporting and helping eachother out.

> I gain a lot of insight from reading your stories, and from reading other

member's reaction to them, even if I often don't post nor write any answers

myself.

> I am sure there a lot of people in my position, who quietly but surely gain

wisdom and peace from all of you, so I just wanted to show my gratitude.

>

> Allright, so this put aside, I would like to share with you something that

happend to me around Christmas time with my BP Mom.

> I went back home to France after being away for 2 years. I currently live in

the States.

> Being away from her has always brought me a great sense of safety and, I

guess, control, in my own environment, as I interact with her on the phone and

try to keep things casual.

> I came back to France with my long term BF, and we stayed at my parents' house

for a little over a week. I got the flu right away, with a very high fever

lasting almost the whole time.

> During that week, things were fine, my Mom freaked out my BF with her

behaviour, even though to me she was on good behaviour. She screamed, but not at

us, and kept her episodes of anger mostly under control.

> Anyway, we then all went to my grandmother's house for Christmas, where we

spent a few days.

> A couple days after Christmas and as our departure date was approaching, I

came to say goodnight to my parents in their bedroom.

> My father quietly told me to go hug my Mother, who was facing the window. She

turned around and when I saw her face, I just knew. Her face was red, she had

been crying. I asked her what was wrong, I was totally surprised, since the

diner + evening with all my relatives were fun. She proceeded to tell me that

she felt we " didn't connect " during out time at my parents' house (when I was

sick), that I spent most of my time in my bedroom, didn't help her enough,

didn't help her cooking, didn't spend enough time with her etc etc.

> I tried to calm her down, say nice things, tell her I didn't want to see her

so sad etc. I also reminded her of the times when I shared my new makeup with

her, we played with clothes, and talk about her hair. BIG freaking topic, her

hair. That week she was obcessing about her hair, and how ugly she felt, and how

she could fix it. A conversation I have had a gazillion times with her over the

years.

> My Mom shows Narcissitic Personality signs, by the way.

>

> Nothing would calm her down. She grew more aggressive and critical, telling me

I should have helped her more with cooking, that cooking is a time to connect

between a mother and daughter and I wasn't there to help her, etc.

> I told her I was sorry, but I felt we had had a good week together, that I

didn't know where all that was coming from.

> She said she wanted more from me, more love, more affection etc, then said

that our relationship had never been good.

> I told her I didn't want to see her unhappy, she replied " I have been unhappy

for a long long time " . She sounded very pissed and sour, like I was to blame for

it.

> I then told her that I couldn't make her happy anyway.

> Funny thing is, she then replied " Oh no, I know, it is your father's job " .

> I then said " no, Mom, YOU make yourself happy " . Oh boy. She got really pissed,

and pointed her finger to my nose, and yelled " and YOU are superior and

pretentious! " ...

> I knew this was going bad, and then I clearly felt she wanted to pick a fight

with me. I told her " Mom, I will NOT pick a fight with you. I know you'd like us

to have an argument now, but this is my Christmas vacation, I don't want any

drama, I just want everyone to be ok and things to go smooth ok? "

> She was shaking, mad, crying, it was horrible. She then started to rage at me,

about old stuff, to which I immediately said " You talk to me like this, and I

will go away " , as I was walking away.

> My father, watching the whole scene, totally mute, stopped me then as I was

getting out of their bedroom, and said that she was going to calm down. Which

she did, immediately.

> I told my parents I was going to say goodnight to them, and go. It was just so

painful, everything.

> I hugged my Dad, said I loved him. Then went to hug my Mom, which at first

tried to push me away, then totally fell apart in my arms, crying like a baby,

telling me how much she loved me, that she loved me so much, that maybe she

loved me too much etc. She was squeezing me so hard and wouldn't let me go. I

told her I loved her and other nice things. After a few minutes like this, she

calmed down a bit. Then I walked away from their room. With a very heavy weight

in my heart.

> The next day, my father was pissed at me because I wasn't trying hard enough

with my Mom, my Mom was cold and mad at me too. And she proceeded to play the

victim and talk to other relatives in the house that day, about how not helpful

and cold I was.

> Thanks Mom.

> It makes sick to my stomach to tell this story. And sorry I wrote another

freaking novel here.

>

> Please, if you read this, let me know what you think. Is this bordeline

behaviour? How would you have handled this? I feel so hurt and " damaged " from

all this crap. It's just too heavy sometimes.

>

> Thanks so much,

>

> Coralie

>

[Guest guest]

Hi Coralie! I'm just going to echo what others have said here; this sure sounds

like Borderline behavior, and as you said, there's probably some narcissim

thrown in there. It wouldn't have mattered how you responded to her, things

would've ended badly.

And yes, it's heavy for the child to take. Now that you understand what you're

dealing with, you're going to have to start on the journey to figure out how

you're going to move forward. Some people find that limited contact (LC) and

boundary setting work OK for them. Other people find that there's no other

solution than to cut contact altogether. (NC)

The bottom line that's so hard to wrap your head around is that there's

literally nothing you can do to improve your relationship because your mother's

simply not capable of being that mature.

I'm sorry your hurting. My mother is very needy too. She's like a little child.

Somehow, I can take care of my young child just fine; my mother's needyness

drains everything from me: energy, happiness, money ... you name it.

>

> Dear Everyone,

>

> I would like to start my post by thanking everyone on this forum for sharing

their personal experience and also for supporting and helping eachother out.

> I gain a lot of insight from reading your stories, and from reading other

member's reaction to them, even if I often don't post nor write any answers

myself.

> I am sure there a lot of people in my position, who quietly but surely gain

wisdom and peace from all of you, so I just wanted to show my gratitude.

>

> Allright, so this put aside, I would like to share with you something that

happend to me around Christmas time with my BP Mom.

> I went back home to France after being away for 2 years. I currently live in

the States.

> Being away from her has always brought me a great sense of safety and, I

guess, control, in my own environment, as I interact with her on the phone and

try to keep things casual.

> I came back to France with my long term BF, and we stayed at my parents' house

for a little over a week. I got the flu right away, with a very high fever

lasting almost the whole time.

> During that week, things were fine, my Mom freaked out my BF with her

behaviour, even though to me she was on good behaviour. She screamed, but not at

us, and kept her episodes of anger mostly under control.

> Anyway, we then all went to my grandmother's house for Christmas, where we

spent a few days.

> A couple days after Christmas and as our departure date was approaching, I

came to say goodnight to my parents in their bedroom.

> My father quietly told me to go hug my Mother, who was facing the window. She

turned around and when I saw her face, I just knew. Her face was red, she had

been crying. I asked her what was wrong, I was totally surprised, since the

diner + evening with all my relatives were fun. She proceeded to tell me that

she felt we " didn't connect " during out time at my parents' house (when I was

sick), that I spent most of my time in my bedroom, didn't help her enough,

didn't help her cooking, didn't spend enough time with her etc etc.

> I tried to calm her down, say nice things, tell her I didn't want to see her

so sad etc. I also reminded her of the times when I shared my new makeup with

her, we played with clothes, and talk about her hair. BIG freaking topic, her

hair. That week she was obcessing about her hair, and how ugly she felt, and how

she could fix it. A conversation I have had a gazillion times with her over the

years.

> My Mom shows Narcissitic Personality signs, by the way.

>

> Nothing would calm her down. She grew more aggressive and critical, telling me

I should have helped her more with cooking, that cooking is a time to connect

between a mother and daughter and I wasn't there to help her, etc.

> I told her I was sorry, but I felt we had had a good week together, that I

didn't know where all that was coming from.

> She said she wanted more from me, more love, more affection etc, then said

that our relationship had never been good.

> I told her I didn't want to see her unhappy, she replied " I have been unhappy

for a long long time " . She sounded very pissed and sour, like I was to blame for

it.

> I then told her that I couldn't make her happy anyway.

> Funny thing is, she then replied " Oh no, I know, it is your father's job " .

> I then said " no, Mom, YOU make yourself happy " . Oh boy. She got really pissed,

and pointed her finger to my nose, and yelled " and YOU are superior and

pretentious! " ...

> I knew this was going bad, and then I clearly felt she wanted to pick a fight

with me. I told her " Mom, I will NOT pick a fight with you. I know you'd like us

to have an argument now, but this is my Christmas vacation, I don't want any

drama, I just want everyone to be ok and things to go smooth ok? "

> She was shaking, mad, crying, it was horrible. She then started to rage at me,

about old stuff, to which I immediately said " You talk to me like this, and I

will go away " , as I was walking away.

> My father, watching the whole scene, totally mute, stopped me then as I was

getting out of their bedroom, and said that she was going to calm down. Which

she did, immediately.

> I told my parents I was going to say goodnight to them, and go. It was just so

painful, everything.

> I hugged my Dad, said I loved him. Then went to hug my Mom, which at first

tried to push me away, then totally fell apart in my arms, crying like a baby,

telling me how much she loved me, that she loved me so much, that maybe she

loved me too much etc. She was squeezing me so hard and wouldn't let me go. I

told her I loved her and other nice things. After a few minutes like this, she

calmed down a bit. Then I walked away from their room. With a very heavy weight

in my heart.

> The next day, my father was pissed at me because I wasn't trying hard enough

with my Mom, my Mom was cold and mad at me too. And she proceeded to play the

victim and talk to other relatives in the house that day, about how not helpful

and cold I was.

> Thanks Mom.

> It makes sick to my stomach to tell this story. And sorry I wrote another

freaking novel here.

>

> Please, if you read this, let me know what you think. Is this bordeline

behaviour? How would you have handled this? I feel so hurt and " damaged " from

all this crap. It's just too heavy sometimes.

>

> Thanks so much,

>

> Coralie

>

[Guest guest]

Oh Coralie, did your post ring a bell. It hurts so much to have a family

gathering and think that everything has gone well, suddenly to have a

confrontational episode with Nada. And of course, the enabler Fada just standing

by, letting it go on. It cuts you off at the knees, it feels like a punch in the

stomach. Sorry you had to go through this. If you could rewind the tape and go

back over how events played out, is there a way you could have avoided this? Or

exited sooner so you wouldn't get pulled through the wringer? Just wondering....

AFB

>

> Dear Everyone,

>

> I would like to start my post by thanking everyone on this forum for sharing

their personal experience and also for supporting and helping eachother out.

> I gain a lot of insight from reading your stories, and from reading other

member's reaction to them, even if I often don't post nor write any answers

myself.

> I am sure there a lot of people in my position, who quietly but surely gain

wisdom and peace from all of you, so I just wanted to show my gratitude.

>

> Allright, so this put aside, I would like to share with you something that

happend to me around Christmas time with my BP Mom.

> I went back home to France after being away for 2 years. I currently live in

the States.

> Being away from her has always brought me a great sense of safety and, I

guess, control, in my own environment, as I interact with her on the phone and

try to keep things casual.

> I came back to France with my long term BF, and we stayed at my parents' house

for a little over a week. I got the flu right away, with a very high fever

lasting almost the whole time.

> During that week, things were fine, my Mom freaked out my BF with her

behaviour, even though to me she was on good behaviour. She screamed, but not at

us, and kept her episodes of anger mostly under control.

> Anyway, we then all went to my grandmother's house for Christmas, where we

spent a few days.

> A couple days after Christmas and as our departure date was approaching, I

came to say goodnight to my parents in their bedroom.

> My father quietly told me to go hug my Mother, who was facing the window. She

turned around and when I saw her face, I just knew. Her face was red, she had

been crying. I asked her what was wrong, I was totally surprised, since the

diner + evening with all my relatives were fun. She proceeded to tell me that

she felt we " didn't connect " during out time at my parents' house (when I was

sick), that I spent most of my time in my bedroom, didn't help her enough,

didn't help her cooking, didn't spend enough time with her etc etc.

> I tried to calm her down, say nice things, tell her I didn't want to see her

so sad etc. I also reminded her of the times when I shared my new makeup with

her, we played with clothes, and talk about her hair. BIG freaking topic, her

hair. That week she was obcessing about her hair, and how ugly she felt, and how

she could fix it. A conversation I have had a gazillion times with her over the

years.

> My Mom shows Narcissitic Personality signs, by the way.

>

> Nothing would calm her down. She grew more aggressive and critical, telling me

I should have helped her more with cooking, that cooking is a time to connect

between a mother and daughter and I wasn't there to help her, etc.

> I told her I was sorry, but I felt we had had a good week together, that I

didn't know where all that was coming from.

> She said she wanted more from me, more love, more affection etc, then said

that our relationship had never been good.

> I told her I didn't want to see her unhappy, she replied " I have been unhappy

for a long long time " . She sounded very pissed and sour, like I was to blame for

it.

> I then told her that I couldn't make her happy anyway.

> Funny thing is, she then replied " Oh no, I know, it is your father's job " .

> I then said " no, Mom, YOU make yourself happy " . Oh boy. She got really pissed,

and pointed her finger to my nose, and yelled " and YOU are superior and

pretentious! " ...

> I knew this was going bad, and then I clearly felt she wanted to pick a fight

with me. I told her " Mom, I will NOT pick a fight with you. I know you'd like us

to have an argument now, but this is my Christmas vacation, I don't want any

drama, I just want everyone to be ok and things to go smooth ok? "

> She was shaking, mad, crying, it was horrible. She then started to rage at me,

about old stuff, to which I immediately said " You talk to me like this, and I

will go away " , as I was walking away.

> My father, watching the whole scene, totally mute, stopped me then as I was

getting out of their bedroom, and said that she was going to calm down. Which

she did, immediately.

> I told my parents I was going to say goodnight to them, and go. It was just so

painful, everything.

> I hugged my Dad, said I loved him. Then went to hug my Mom, which at first

tried to push me away, then totally fell apart in my arms, crying like a baby,

telling me how much she loved me, that she loved me so much, that maybe she

loved me too much etc. She was squeezing me so hard and wouldn't let me go. I

told her I loved her and other nice things. After a few minutes like this, she

calmed down a bit. Then I walked away from their room. With a very heavy weight

in my heart.

> The next day, my father was pissed at me because I wasn't trying hard enough

with my Mom, my Mom was cold and mad at me too. And she proceeded to play the

victim and talk to other relatives in the house that day, about how not helpful

and cold I was.

> Thanks Mom.

> It makes sick to my stomach to tell this story. And sorry I wrote another

freaking novel here.

>

> Please, if you read this, let me know what you think. Is this bordeline

behaviour? How would you have handled this? I feel so hurt and " damaged " from

all this crap. It's just too heavy sometimes.

>

> Thanks so much,

>

> Coralie

>

[Guest guest]

Yes, Coralie. I think this is BPD with a twist of narcissism. Her manipulative

behaviour comes out of her extreme " fear " of not been validated, loved and in

control. Even if you would have helped her cooking or etc.,.. she would still

find something or someone else to blame. There's this deep unhappiness inside

looking for an opportunity to strike. You did good by leaving the room and

letting her be.

Yes, it's exhusting to deal with her emotional outbursts but you're doing the

right thing.

[Guest guest]

Yes, Coralie. I think this is BPD with a twist of narcissism. Her manipulative

behaviour comes out of her extreme " fear " of not been validated, loved and in

control. Even if you would have helped her cooking or etc.,.. she would still

find something or someone else to blame. There's this deep unhappiness inside

looking for an opportunity to strike. You did good by leaving the room and

letting her be.

Yes, it's exhusting to deal with her emotional outbursts but you're doing the

right thing.

[Guest guest]

Yes, Coralie. I think this is BPD with a twist of narcissism. Her manipulative

behaviour comes out of her extreme " fear " of not been validated, loved and in

control. Even if you would have helped her cooking or etc.,.. she would still

find something or someone else to blame. There's this deep unhappiness inside

looking for an opportunity to strike. You did good by leaving the room and

letting her be.

Yes, it's exhusting to deal with her emotional outbursts but you're doing the

right thing.

[Guest guest]

Hi Jaie, Hi everyone,

Thank you so much for your answers, they mean a lot to me. It's this weird

feeling of *relief* knowing that there are other people out there who know what

you are going through, and know the pain.

I appreciate everyone's responses, and I want to reply to each of them. You all

say helpful things.

Jaie, you wrote : " I love my nada and I see the gaping abyss inside of her wehre

only fear, self-loathing, hatred and vengeance lives. " and this phrase sounds

so so familiar.

I know there is something so scary in my mother, a bottomless pit. I could throw

more time, more love and there would still be a lack, a need, an emptiness, and

then frustration on her part, anger, self loathing.

I have already read a few books on BP, like Stop Walking on Eggshells, and

Narcissitic Personality Disorder (Will I ever be good enough?) but somehow I

still struggle, and doubt myself on this road.

No matter how many books you read, it seems to me, when the drama unfolds, and

it's staring at you in the face, many good advice on how to talk to a Bordeline

fly by the window. And it's just survival mode, you just want to calm everything

down.

I see you have gone NC with your BP Mom, I feel like it would be unthinkable for

me right now, although I have chosen to live thousands of miles away from her,

and I like the peace that comes with it.

You also have kids, which makes this decision not just about yourself I am sure.

Thank you for you input and support, and I wish you the best of luck with

dealing with BP in your life,

Coralie

>

> Oh goodness Coralie, you were a saint to not have become overly engaged in the

drama. Sounds like dad has good intentions but enables her behavior. That

often happens with couples. That's one way they show their love for each other

without realizing what they are doing.

>

> My nada used to pull that stuff on me all the time. No matter what I did, I

didn't love her enough, help her enough, I made my kids and self first before

her and that was proof I was no good and completely worthless at being family.

Its all about the lies my nada tells herself. Inside, she feels unloving and

unworthy and if I do not demonstrate my love for her the way she thinks I

should, I despise her. So not true. Her perspective is skewed by her own

self-loathing and she must project it onto me or she could not deal with the

pain. If I am the cause, she does not have to deal with what she does to

herself.

>

> I love my nada and I see the gaping abyss inside of her wehre only fear,

self-loathing, hatred and vengeance lives. Sadly, she is only interested in

vengeance and doing everything she can to make me (and everyone else around her)

feel that gaping abyss inside her. I cannot fix that nor can I tolerate having

that in my life. I have gone completely NC with her and do not plan to change

that ever. I am happy and peaceful and do not have to be subjected to guilt,

manipulation and insanity. I am not strong enough to stand in her presence and

expend energy with every breath setting boundaries and untangling her delusions.

But that is just me. I need to keep myself in good emotional health so I can be

the best mother for my own children. I can't do that with my nada hurting me

all the time. We all have choices to make. She chooses pain and to inflict it

with such vitriol that its mind bending. I do not allow people like that into

my life any more in any way.

>

> Get yourself well educated on the tendencies of BDP and NPD. NPD can be just

as challenging to deal with. I have an ex I suspect was either NPD or

BPD...he had tendencies of many things bordering on extreme insecurity,

delusional word twisting, overly inflated sense of self worth (he told me once

people looked at him as if he were the messiah) feeling destroying madness

inside of him. Tough to handle. Imagine having nada and an ex with the same

tendencies in the house at the same time. Oh goodness...although I timed their

respective departures from my life 6 months apart, the wounds their vengeance

inflicted still stings to this day. Time heals all wounds though and learning

about what I'm dealing with helped me understand it wasn't about me.

>

> I wish you the best and hope you keep arming yourself with information and

lots of self love to keep your mom's actions from doing more damage.

>

> Blessings!

>

> jaie

>

[Guest guest]

Hi Jaie, Hi everyone,

Thank you so much for your answers, they mean a lot to me. It's this weird

feeling of *relief* knowing that there are other people out there who know what

you are going through, and know the pain.

I appreciate everyone's responses, and I want to reply to each of them. You all

say helpful things.

Jaie, you wrote : " I love my nada and I see the gaping abyss inside of her wehre

only fear, self-loathing, hatred and vengeance lives. " and this phrase sounds

so so familiar.

I know there is something so scary in my mother, a bottomless pit. I could throw

more time, more love and there would still be a lack, a need, an emptiness, and

then frustration on her part, anger, self loathing.

I have already read a few books on BP, like Stop Walking on Eggshells, and

Narcissitic Personality Disorder (Will I ever be good enough?) but somehow I

still struggle, and doubt myself on this road.

No matter how many books you read, it seems to me, when the drama unfolds, and

it's staring at you in the face, many good advice on how to talk to a Bordeline

fly by the window. And it's just survival mode, you just want to calm everything

down.

I see you have gone NC with your BP Mom, I feel like it would be unthinkable for

me right now, although I have chosen to live thousands of miles away from her,

and I like the peace that comes with it.

You also have kids, which makes this decision not just about yourself I am sure.

Thank you for you input and support, and I wish you the best of luck with

dealing with BP in your life,

Coralie

>

> Oh goodness Coralie, you were a saint to not have become overly engaged in the

drama. Sounds like dad has good intentions but enables her behavior. That

often happens with couples. That's one way they show their love for each other

without realizing what they are doing.

>

> My nada used to pull that stuff on me all the time. No matter what I did, I

didn't love her enough, help her enough, I made my kids and self first before

her and that was proof I was no good and completely worthless at being family.

Its all about the lies my nada tells herself. Inside, she feels unloving and

unworthy and if I do not demonstrate my love for her the way she thinks I

should, I despise her. So not true. Her perspective is skewed by her own

self-loathing and she must project it onto me or she could not deal with the

pain. If I am the cause, she does not have to deal with what she does to

herself.

>

> I love my nada and I see the gaping abyss inside of her wehre only fear,

self-loathing, hatred and vengeance lives. Sadly, she is only interested in

vengeance and doing everything she can to make me (and everyone else around her)

feel that gaping abyss inside her. I cannot fix that nor can I tolerate having

that in my life. I have gone completely NC with her and do not plan to change

that ever. I am happy and peaceful and do not have to be subjected to guilt,

manipulation and insanity. I am not strong enough to stand in her presence and

expend energy with every breath setting boundaries and untangling her delusions.

But that is just me. I need to keep myself in good emotional health so I can be

the best mother for my own children. I can't do that with my nada hurting me

all the time. We all have choices to make. She chooses pain and to inflict it

with such vitriol that its mind bending. I do not allow people like that into

my life any more in any way.

>

> Get yourself well educated on the tendencies of BDP and NPD. NPD can be just

as challenging to deal with. I have an ex I suspect was either NPD or

BPD...he had tendencies of many things bordering on extreme insecurity,

delusional word twisting, overly inflated sense of self worth (he told me once

people looked at him as if he were the messiah) feeling destroying madness

inside of him. Tough to handle. Imagine having nada and an ex with the same

tendencies in the house at the same time. Oh goodness...although I timed their

respective departures from my life 6 months apart, the wounds their vengeance

inflicted still stings to this day. Time heals all wounds though and learning

about what I'm dealing with helped me understand it wasn't about me.

>

> I wish you the best and hope you keep arming yourself with information and

lots of self love to keep your mom's actions from doing more damage.

>

> Blessings!

>

> jaie

>

[Guest guest]

Hi Annie,

Thank you for your reply. Yes, there are definitely some Narcissitic Personality

Disorder traits in my Mom's behaviour. In fact, when I really started to

understand what was going on with her, I naturally started to read about NPD,

and I had so many lightbulbs moments.

NPD invades the whole family dynamic too, it's all about my Mom. She's like the

little kid in the house.

Then later, and with the advice of my therapist, I started reading on Borderline

Personality Disorder. It took me a while to accept that this is my Mom, because,

let's face it, it's some scary stuff.

But yeah, it is my belief now that she has BPD. And my Mom IS scary, and has

always been scary anyway.

Annie, you wrote : " I think the hardest bpd behaviors of all to cope with as an

adult is when the borderline parent becomes child-like, frightened and needy. "

and this is something I totally agree with.

I grew up with a mostly queen /witch type of mother, very domineering, yelling

every day, and definitely did see the witch side of her, with the physical

abuse.

And now, just like in your case Annie, I feel like she switches it up, and plays

the " poor me " . She claims she is alone, her kid are too far, it's an endless

lists of complaints and needs.

It is really tough.

During our last episode that I described above, she did what she does often,

oscillating between being mean, yelling, pointing fingers, to being like a needy

child who needs love and attention, in a scary way.

When she started screaming at me, well, more like raging, it was easy for me. I

started exiting the bedroom, I told her " no way I will take this treatment from

you " (which in itself was a HUGE accomplishment, I had never done this before).

But then when she calmed down, I felt trapped again, with the needy child in

front of me, she looked like such a mess. I don't know exactly how or when to

walk away from that yet, without the guilt.

So I understand your difficulty Annie.

But I am determined to read more, and spend more time to find solutions and tips

that can work for me. I have " Surviving a Borderline Parent " by Roth and

Friedman, and look forward to reading it.

Thank you for your help Annie, for taking the time to write such a long answer.

My best to you, and a virtual hug to you too! ((((((Annie)))))

Coralie

> >

> > Dear Everyone,

> >

> > I would like to start my post by thanking everyone on this forum for sharing

their personal experience and also for supporting and helping eachother out.

> > I gain a lot of insight from reading your stories, and from reading other

member's reaction to them, even if I often don't post nor write any answers

myself.

> > I am sure there a lot of people in my position, who quietly but surely gain

wisdom and peace from all of you, so I just wanted to show my gratitude.

> >

> > Allright, so this put aside, I would like to share with you something that

happend to me around Christmas time with my BP Mom.

> > I went back home to France after being away for 2 years. I currently live in

the States.

> > Being away from her has always brought me a great sense of safety and, I

guess, control, in my own environment, as I interact with her on the phone and

try to keep things casual.

> > I came back to France with my long term BF, and we stayed at my parents'

house for a little over a week. I got the flu right away, with a very high fever

lasting almost the whole time.

> > During that week, things were fine, my Mom freaked out my BF with her

behaviour, even though to me she was on good behaviour. She screamed, but not at

us, and kept her episodes of anger mostly under control.

> > Anyway, we then all went to my grandmother's house for Christmas, where we

spent a few days.

> > A couple days after Christmas and as our departure date was approaching, I

came to say goodnight to my parents in their bedroom.

> > My father quietly told me to go hug my Mother, who was facing the window.

She turned around and when I saw her face, I just knew. Her face was red, she

had been crying. I asked her what was wrong, I was totally surprised, since the

diner + evening with all my relatives were fun. She proceeded to tell me that

she felt we " didn't connect " during out time at my parents' house (when I was

sick), that I spent most of my time in my bedroom, didn't help her enough,

didn't help her cooking, didn't spend enough time with her etc etc.

> > I tried to calm her down, say nice things, tell her I didn't want to see her

so sad etc. I also reminded her of the times when I shared my new makeup with

her, we played with clothes, and talk about her hair. BIG freaking topic, her

hair. That week she was obcessing about her hair, and how ugly she felt, and how

she could fix it. A conversation I have had a gazillion times with her over the

years.

> > My Mom shows Narcissitic Personality signs, by the way.

> >

> > Nothing would calm her down. She grew more aggressive and critical, telling

me I should have helped her more with cooking, that cooking is a time to connect

between a mother and daughter and I wasn't there to help her, etc.

> > I told her I was sorry, but I felt we had had a good week together, that I

didn't know where all that was coming from.

> > She said she wanted more from me, more love, more affection etc, then said

that our relationship had never been good.

> > I told her I didn't want to see her unhappy, she replied " I have been

unhappy for a long long time " . She sounded very pissed and sour, like I was to

blame for it.

> > I then told her that I couldn't make her happy anyway.

> > Funny thing is, she then replied " Oh no, I know, it is your father's job " .

> > I then said " no, Mom, YOU make yourself happy " . Oh boy. She got really

pissed, and pointed her finger to my nose, and yelled " and YOU are superior and

pretentious! " ...

> > I knew this was going bad, and then I clearly felt she wanted to pick a

fight with me. I told her " Mom, I will NOT pick a fight with you. I know you'd

like us to have an argument now, but this is my Christmas vacation, I don't want

any drama, I just want everyone to be ok and things to go smooth ok? "

> > She was shaking, mad, crying, it was horrible. She then started to rage at

me, about old stuff, to which I immediately said " You talk to me like this, and

I will go away " , as I was walking away.

> > My father, watching the whole scene, totally mute, stopped me then as I was

getting out of their bedroom, and said that she was going to calm down. Which

she did, immediately.

> > I told my parents I was going to say goodnight to them, and go. It was just

so painful, everything.

> > I hugged my Dad, said I loved him. Then went to hug my Mom, which at first

tried to push me away, then totally fell apart in my arms, crying like a baby,

telling me how much she loved me, that she loved me so much, that maybe she

loved me too much etc. She was squeezing me so hard and wouldn't let me go. I

told her I loved her and other nice things. After a few minutes like this, she

calmed down a bit. Then I walked away from their room. With a very heavy weight

in my heart.

> > The next day, my father was pissed at me because I wasn't trying hard enough

with my Mom, my Mom was cold and mad at me too. And she proceeded to play the

victim and talk to other relatives in the house that day, about how not helpful

and cold I was.

> > Thanks Mom.

> > It makes sick to my stomach to tell this story. And sorry I wrote another

freaking novel here.

> >

> > Please, if you read this, let me know what you think. Is this bordeline

behaviour? How would you have handled this? I feel so hurt and " damaged " from

all this crap. It's just too heavy sometimes.

> >

> > Thanks so much,

> >

> > Coralie

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Hi Annie,

Thank you for your reply. Yes, there are definitely some Narcissitic Personality

Disorder traits in my Mom's behaviour. In fact, when I really started to

understand what was going on with her, I naturally started to read about NPD,

and I had so many lightbulbs moments.

NPD invades the whole family dynamic too, it's all about my Mom. She's like the

little kid in the house.

Then later, and with the advice of my therapist, I started reading on Borderline

Personality Disorder. It took me a while to accept that this is my Mom, because,

let's face it, it's some scary stuff.

But yeah, it is my belief now that she has BPD. And my Mom IS scary, and has

always been scary anyway.

Annie, you wrote : " I think the hardest bpd behaviors of all to cope with as an

adult is when the borderline parent becomes child-like, frightened and needy. "

and this is something I totally agree with.

I grew up with a mostly queen /witch type of mother, very domineering, yelling

every day, and definitely did see the witch side of her, with the physical

abuse.

And now, just like in your case Annie, I feel like she switches it up, and plays

the " poor me " . She claims she is alone, her kid are too far, it's an endless

lists of complaints and needs.

It is really tough.

During our last episode that I described above, she did what she does often,

oscillating between being mean, yelling, pointing fingers, to being like a needy

child who needs love and attention, in a scary way.

When she started screaming at me, well, more like raging, it was easy for me. I

started exiting the bedroom, I told her " no way I will take this treatment from

you " (which in itself was a HUGE accomplishment, I had never done this before).

But then when she calmed down, I felt trapped again, with the needy child in

front of me, she looked like such a mess. I don't know exactly how or when to

walk away from that yet, without the guilt.

So I understand your difficulty Annie.

But I am determined to read more, and spend more time to find solutions and tips

that can work for me. I have " Surviving a Borderline Parent " by Roth and

Friedman, and look forward to reading it.

Thank you for your help Annie, for taking the time to write such a long answer.

My best to you, and a virtual hug to you too! ((((((Annie)))))

Coralie

> >

> > Dear Everyone,

> >

> > I would like to start my post by thanking everyone on this forum for sharing

their personal experience and also for supporting and helping eachother out.

> > I gain a lot of insight from reading your stories, and from reading other

member's reaction to them, even if I often don't post nor write any answers

myself.

> > I am sure there a lot of people in my position, who quietly but surely gain

wisdom and peace from all of you, so I just wanted to show my gratitude.

> >

> > Allright, so this put aside, I would like to share with you something that

happend to me around Christmas time with my BP Mom.

> > I went back home to France after being away for 2 years. I currently live in

the States.

> > Being away from her has always brought me a great sense of safety and, I

guess, control, in my own environment, as I interact with her on the phone and

try to keep things casual.

> > I came back to France with my long term BF, and we stayed at my parents'

house for a little over a week. I got the flu right away, with a very high fever

lasting almost the whole time.

> > During that week, things were fine, my Mom freaked out my BF with her

behaviour, even though to me she was on good behaviour. She screamed, but not at

us, and kept her episodes of anger mostly under control.

> > Anyway, we then all went to my grandmother's house for Christmas, where we

spent a few days.

> > A couple days after Christmas and as our departure date was approaching, I

came to say goodnight to my parents in their bedroom.

> > My father quietly told me to go hug my Mother, who was facing the window.

She turned around and when I saw her face, I just knew. Her face was red, she

had been crying. I asked her what was wrong, I was totally surprised, since the

diner + evening with all my relatives were fun. She proceeded to tell me that

she felt we " didn't connect " during out time at my parents' house (when I was

sick), that I spent most of my time in my bedroom, didn't help her enough,

didn't help her cooking, didn't spend enough time with her etc etc.

> > I tried to calm her down, say nice things, tell her I didn't want to see her

so sad etc. I also reminded her of the times when I shared my new makeup with

her, we played with clothes, and talk about her hair. BIG freaking topic, her

hair. That week she was obcessing about her hair, and how ugly she felt, and how

she could fix it. A conversation I have had a gazillion times with her over the

years.

> > My Mom shows Narcissitic Personality signs, by the way.

> >

> > Nothing would calm her down. She grew more aggressive and critical, telling

me I should have helped her more with cooking, that cooking is a time to connect

between a mother and daughter and I wasn't there to help her, etc.

> > I told her I was sorry, but I felt we had had a good week together, that I

didn't know where all that was coming from.

> > She said she wanted more from me, more love, more affection etc, then said

that our relationship had never been good.

> > I told her I didn't want to see her unhappy, she replied " I have been

unhappy for a long long time " . She sounded very pissed and sour, like I was to

blame for it.

> > I then told her that I couldn't make her happy anyway.

> > Funny thing is, she then replied " Oh no, I know, it is your father's job " .

> > I then said " no, Mom, YOU make yourself happy " . Oh boy. She got really

pissed, and pointed her finger to my nose, and yelled " and YOU are superior and

pretentious! " ...

> > I knew this was going bad, and then I clearly felt she wanted to pick a

fight with me. I told her " Mom, I will NOT pick a fight with you. I know you'd

like us to have an argument now, but this is my Christmas vacation, I don't want

any drama, I just want everyone to be ok and things to go smooth ok? "

> > She was shaking, mad, crying, it was horrible. She then started to rage at

me, about old stuff, to which I immediately said " You talk to me like this, and

I will go away " , as I was walking away.

> > My father, watching the whole scene, totally mute, stopped me then as I was

getting out of their bedroom, and said that she was going to calm down. Which

she did, immediately.

> > I told my parents I was going to say goodnight to them, and go. It was just

so painful, everything.

> > I hugged my Dad, said I loved him. Then went to hug my Mom, which at first

tried to push me away, then totally fell apart in my arms, crying like a baby,

telling me how much she loved me, that she loved me so much, that maybe she

loved me too much etc. She was squeezing me so hard and wouldn't let me go. I

told her I loved her and other nice things. After a few minutes like this, she

calmed down a bit. Then I walked away from their room. With a very heavy weight

in my heart.

> > The next day, my father was pissed at me because I wasn't trying hard enough

with my Mom, my Mom was cold and mad at me too. And she proceeded to play the

victim and talk to other relatives in the house that day, about how not helpful

and cold I was.

> > Thanks Mom.

> > It makes sick to my stomach to tell this story. And sorry I wrote another

freaking novel here.

> >

> > Please, if you read this, let me know what you think. Is this bordeline

behaviour? How would you have handled this? I feel so hurt and " damaged " from

all this crap. It's just too heavy sometimes.

> >

> > Thanks so much,

> >

> > Coralie

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Hi Coralie,

I don't post very often here, mostly I just read. I have learned so much from

all the wonderful people here (just taking this opportunity to say thank you!)

Coralie, what you described is exactly how my stepnada and my father act, so I

would definitely call this BPD behavior. Especially because, for me, it's a

situation that repeats almost every time we get together. It's very affirming

to me to hear of others who endure these same situations.

I have been very limited contact for a very long time, but my dad has been

wanting me to " build a better relationship " with the stepnada so that we can be

together more. Needless to say, it never works out. I hear " you don't love me

enough " and " you don't respect me " from stepnada all the time. Of course it's

all my fault, and because I'm not a biological child, both stepnada and my dad

justify her rages at me like this: 1) I " mistreat " stepnada because dad is

married to her instead of my mom and therefore I resent her, and 2) I " mistreat "

stepnada because she is a " much better mother " than my mom and therefore I

resent her. I have never been able to convince either dad or stepnada that

these accusations are ridiculous. And most of the time, Dad is mad at me for

" not trying hard enough " . But no matter what I do, it's never enough or never

the right thing. Hence, the limited contact.

On Christmas, I got a very pitiful phone call from my Dad. He was tearful,

which is hard to take. I think he feels so isolated and none of his relatives

call him anymore, and he's depressed. So I fell for the guilt thing, and I

called them a few days later. At one point I asked to speak to stepnada, and we

had a little conversation, and afterward Dad said to me, " You're making an

effort, good, you need to keep doing this. " And it made me so angry, because it

was so condescending and discounting of all that she's put me through. He has

such a one-sided perspective, and again he's implying it's all my fault. It just

made me think, is it possible to ever have a real relationship with either of

them? Under what circumstances is " contact " (as opposed to " no contact " )even

worth it?

Best of luck, I feel for you. And thank you so much AGAIN to anyone out there

still reading. If it weren't for you all, I wouldn't have recognized the guilt

thing for what it was.

[Guest guest]

Hi Coralie,

I don't post very often here, mostly I just read. I have learned so much from

all the wonderful people here (just taking this opportunity to say thank you!)

Coralie, what you described is exactly how my stepnada and my father act, so I

would definitely call this BPD behavior. Especially because, for me, it's a

situation that repeats almost every time we get together. It's very affirming

to me to hear of others who endure these same situations.

I have been very limited contact for a very long time, but my dad has been

wanting me to " build a better relationship " with the stepnada so that we can be

together more. Needless to say, it never works out. I hear " you don't love me

enough " and " you don't respect me " from stepnada all the time. Of course it's

all my fault, and because I'm not a biological child, both stepnada and my dad

justify her rages at me like this: 1) I " mistreat " stepnada because dad is

married to her instead of my mom and therefore I resent her, and 2) I " mistreat "

stepnada because she is a " much better mother " than my mom and therefore I

resent her. I have never been able to convince either dad or stepnada that

these accusations are ridiculous. And most of the time, Dad is mad at me for

" not trying hard enough " . But no matter what I do, it's never enough or never

the right thing. Hence, the limited contact.

On Christmas, I got a very pitiful phone call from my Dad. He was tearful,

which is hard to take. I think he feels so isolated and none of his relatives

call him anymore, and he's depressed. So I fell for the guilt thing, and I

called them a few days later. At one point I asked to speak to stepnada, and we

had a little conversation, and afterward Dad said to me, " You're making an

effort, good, you need to keep doing this. " And it made me so angry, because it

was so condescending and discounting of all that she's put me through. He has

such a one-sided perspective, and again he's implying it's all my fault. It just

made me think, is it possible to ever have a real relationship with either of

them? Under what circumstances is " contact " (as opposed to " no contact " )even

worth it?

Best of luck, I feel for you. And thank you so much AGAIN to anyone out there

still reading. If it weren't for you all, I wouldn't have recognized the guilt

thing for what it was.

[Guest guest]

Wow, " good, you're making an effort " would make me spit nails.

[Guest guest]

Coralie,

HOW many episodes like this have I been through with my nada??? Let me count

'em.

Sometime I'll have to post about the Christmas after my grandmother got out of

the hospital. It sounds a lot like this.

You have my sympathy. I just got sooooo tired of this sort of thing, I have

enough problems of my own that will never be solved and I couldn't deal with it

anymore.

--.

[Guest guest]

Coralie,

HOW many episodes like this have I been through with my nada??? Let me count

'em.

Sometime I'll have to post about the Christmas after my grandmother got out of

the hospital. It sounds a lot like this.

You have my sympathy. I just got sooooo tired of this sort of thing, I have

enough problems of my own that will never be solved and I couldn't deal with it

anymore.

--.

[Guest guest]

Coralie,

HOW many episodes like this have I been through with my nada??? Let me count

'em.

Sometime I'll have to post about the Christmas after my grandmother got out of

the hospital. It sounds a lot like this.

You have my sympathy. I just got sooooo tired of this sort of thing, I have

enough problems of my own that will never be solved and I couldn't deal with it

anymore.

--.