Re: the food reaction

[Guest guest]

I lost weight while visiting my mom this holiday season, then in 3 days gained

5lbs after being home because I was so depressed and upset I turned to " comfort "

foods. I understand that what I put in my mouth is definitely my responsibility,

but I won't lie and say being around her doesn't trigger me to want fatty foods

that taste good and comforting.

[Guest guest]

Hi , yep I'm like you that I lose weight *while* I'm visiting my FOO

because my stomach is tied up in knots the whole time. But a phone call seems

to do just the opposite.

>

> I lost weight while visiting my mom this holiday season, then in 3 days gained

5lbs after being home because I was so depressed and upset I turned to " comfort "

foods. I understand that what I put in my mouth is definitely my responsibility,

but I won't lie and say being around her doesn't trigger me to want fatty foods

that taste good and comforting.

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Hi , yep I'm like you that I lose weight *while* I'm visiting my FOO

because my stomach is tied up in knots the whole time. But a phone call seems

to do just the opposite.

>

> I lost weight while visiting my mom this holiday season, then in 3 days gained

5lbs after being home because I was so depressed and upset I turned to " comfort "

foods. I understand that what I put in my mouth is definitely my responsibility,

but I won't lie and say being around her doesn't trigger me to want fatty foods

that taste good and comforting.

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

I'm just glad that I/we recognize what we're doing. That's like the difference

between neurotic and psychotic. Someone who is neurotic knows they're doing

something abnormal while psychotics don't think anything is wrong.

[Guest guest]

I'm just glad that I/we recognize what we're doing. That's like the difference

between neurotic and psychotic. Someone who is neurotic knows they're doing

something abnormal while psychotics don't think anything is wrong.

[Guest guest]

My one friend thinks that that is why I remain overweight because nada is so

against being even 5 lbs. overweight. I told my experience about being 5 lbs.

overweight a few days ago here. My nada took me to her doctor and asked him to

prescribe amphetamines to me (uppers) which he did. An 8 year old taking

uppers??!! My nada is and continues to be obsessed with weight (hers, mine and

everyone else's). I believe nada is anorexic and always has been or bulimic now

- not sure which at this point as I don't live with her but she says she can't

eat anything and throws up everything she eats.

Yes I have bought a box of Oreos and a gallon of milk and eaten half the box

after talking to nada if the phone call was distressing enough in the past, but

I don't do that now. I have a minister who believes our nadas and us are

psychically tied because they ARE our mothers and he helped me sever it. Since

then I do not vomit when she does (which at that point wasn't everything I ate

but who wants to do that even once?!)

[Guest guest]

My one friend thinks that that is why I remain overweight because nada is so

against being even 5 lbs. overweight. I told my experience about being 5 lbs.

overweight a few days ago here. My nada took me to her doctor and asked him to

prescribe amphetamines to me (uppers) which he did. An 8 year old taking

uppers??!! My nada is and continues to be obsessed with weight (hers, mine and

everyone else's). I believe nada is anorexic and always has been or bulimic now

- not sure which at this point as I don't live with her but she says she can't

eat anything and throws up everything she eats.

Yes I have bought a box of Oreos and a gallon of milk and eaten half the box

after talking to nada if the phone call was distressing enough in the past, but

I don't do that now. I have a minister who believes our nadas and us are

psychically tied because they ARE our mothers and he helped me sever it. Since

then I do not vomit when she does (which at that point wasn't everything I ate

but who wants to do that even once?!)

[Guest guest]

My one friend thinks that that is why I remain overweight because nada is so

against being even 5 lbs. overweight. I told my experience about being 5 lbs.

overweight a few days ago here. My nada took me to her doctor and asked him to

prescribe amphetamines to me (uppers) which he did. An 8 year old taking

uppers??!! My nada is and continues to be obsessed with weight (hers, mine and

everyone else's). I believe nada is anorexic and always has been or bulimic now

- not sure which at this point as I don't live with her but she says she can't

eat anything and throws up everything she eats.

Yes I have bought a box of Oreos and a gallon of milk and eaten half the box

after talking to nada if the phone call was distressing enough in the past, but

I don't do that now. I have a minister who believes our nadas and us are

psychically tied because they ARE our mothers and he helped me sever it. Since

then I do not vomit when she does (which at that point wasn't everything I ate

but who wants to do that even once?!)

[Guest guest]

Wow, I have something similar with my mom that you just reminded me of. Just

background, when my mom remarried about 8 years ago, she gained a 5 year old

stepson, and I gained a 5 year old stepbro. I will refer to him as Jack here.

So she's always talking about how Jack eats too much and eats everything in

sight, blah blah blah, and that he's getting to be very big. She makes it sound

like he is overweight. Well, when I saw him two weeks ago, I realized why he

eats so much. He's 13 years old and is taller than me and is built like a

football player--not a fat football player, just a sturdy one, one you can't

knock over. He looks perfectly healthy to me.

She will say things to me or other family members like, " well, I only need to

eat half a sandwich, then I'm full! " Like she's gloating that her metabolism is

slow and she can't understand that different people need different calorie

needs. For example, I'm an athlete, my average weekly running mileage is between

25-40 miles--I HAVE to eat a certain amount of food or I'll just wither away.

She doesn't understand that. She'll actually deny Jack food if she thinks he's

had enough to eat. The way she made it sound too, it was like he was eating all

the time, but really when I was there, he was only requesting food at normal

time: breakfast, lunch, snack, dinner, sometimes dessert. So, yes, I can see a

nada making an 8-year-old take uppers. Absolutely. Remember, you are an

extension of herself.

By the way, ironically, my mom, who has always been smaller than me because I

take after my father, has gained a lot of weight over the past few years. When I

was visiting her, and I don't know if this is BPD behavior or what, but she kept

insisting that I borrow her jeans or her clothes and asking what size I wore.

And I felt like that was none of her business, and I didn't want her judging

me--regardless of if I feel like I want to be smaller or if I'm happy where I

am--and she kept getting angry at me for not borrowing her clothes so she could

see how they fit.

Does that seem weird to you?

[Guest guest]

To me Girlscout the problem is that nadas aren't able to see *us* as human. And

when someone dehumanizes you they begin to seem a lot less human themselves.

Her thought that you went NC over her weight implies to me that she had no

self-awareness, no comprehension at all of how she had treated you or what her

behaviors really were. It's that way with my nada as well - she literally seems

to be unable to understand any harm she's caused. Kinda impossible to get a

real apology or healing of the relationship under those circumstances.

>

> Sort of on the topic - my nada is many many many lbs overweight, i'd guess

> somewhere between 240 lbs and 300 lbs depending on medication etc, she goes

> up and down a lot. She is my same height, almost 5 ft 7. So that's not a

> healthful weight for that height. When I went NC with her almost 8 years ago

> (approximate anniversary is coming up on 3/7), she didn't call me. She

> didn't come to visit. She didn't ask what was wrong. She sent hideous

> letters with checks (can you say I have no social skills so I'm going to try

> to buy your love) and then sent messages via my dad to tell me she had lost

> weight.

>

> Yeah right, i went NC because of her weight? What the hell??????? So bizarre

> to think someone will take your abuse because you lost pounds? Can you say

> totally clueless and cruel and maybe not quite human? I mean, it would be

> better to maintain a healthy weight, but like any decent person would shun

> their " mother " because they are overweight. I don't have to tell you guys

> but it was completely because of her behavior, not her dress size.

> SHEEEEEESH!!!!!!!

>

> On that topic, does anyone else not totally see their nada as human? Mine

> has never seemed human to me, more like a monster.

>

> Wow, will I ever get to the end of this pit of hatred?

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Marilyn, uppers, wow! Nadas unhealthy focus on their kids well-being just

continues to surprise me. You are lucky you didn't become anorexic with that

going on.

>

> My one friend thinks that that is why I remain overweight because nada is so

against being even 5 lbs. overweight. I told my experience about being 5 lbs.

overweight a few days ago here. My nada took me to her doctor and asked him to

prescribe amphetamines to me (uppers) which he did. An 8 year old taking

uppers??!! My nada is and continues to be obsessed with weight (hers, mine and

everyone else's). I believe nada is anorexic and always has been or bulimic now

- not sure which at this point as I don't live with her but she says she can't

eat anything and throws up everything she eats.

>

> Yes I have bought a box of Oreos and a gallon of milk and eaten half the box

after talking to nada if the phone call was distressing enough in the past, but

I don't do that now. I have a minister who believes our nadas and us are

psychically tied because they ARE our mothers and he helped me sever it. Since

then I do not vomit when she does (which at that point wasn't everything I ate

but who wants to do that even once?!)

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

I think your nada is projecting onto you what she herself thinks: nada would

shun someone because of their weight.

Re those with pd being monsters or not human... in my opinion psychopaths

(sociopaths, antisocial pds) come the closest to being inhuman monsters.

Deliberate cruelty, selfishly using or destroying other people for your own

benefit, treating other people as mere objects whose feelings don't matter,

enjoying inflicting pain, having no empathy, no conscience and no remorse are

the behaviors that reflect lowest, most degraded level of humanity. Psychopaths

have been likened to predators: sharks who glide among us looking human but who

are there only to feed on us and reproduce.

The Cluster B pds can range from very mildly affected to very severely affected,

and unfortunately the deep end of the Cluster B " swimming pool " is psychopathy.

-Annie

[Guest guest]

In a way, its as though the person with pd is " emotionally retarded " , for lack

of a more politically correct term. So much so that it even seems to make some

of them appear intellectually subnormal as well.

Of course growing teenage boys and athletic, active young women are going to

need more calories than an indolent middle-aged woman.

There is nothing morally superior about needing to eat only half a sandwich.

Your bpd mom's notions about what is and isn't " normal " or " better " RE eating

and weight are absurd. Ignore her nonsensical opinions, its like getting

aggravated over hearing the March Hare and the Mad Hatter arguing about the best

butter to use in watches.

If you can begin to just detach from caring about what she thinks and what she

says, stop expecting her to say rational or compassionate things, stop expecting

her to be empathetic or care about your feelings and needs, you'll be less

frustrated and aggravated.

If, however, her idiotic notions about what is a " normal " amount of food for her

13-year-old stepson are resulting in her starving him, or shaming/humiliating

him about his appearance, then, if I were in your place I'd step up and say

something to her about that. Its never OK to mistreat kids or allow them to be

mistreated if you can possibly help it. Or tell the boy's father (if you

suspect anything) so he can keep an eye on the situation, unless he's a dishrag.

Just my 2 cent's worth, to take or leave.

-Annie

>

> Wow, I have something similar with my mom that you just reminded me of. Just

background, when my mom remarried about 8 years ago, she gained a 5 year old

stepson, and I gained a 5 year old stepbro. I will refer to him as Jack here.

>

> So she's always talking about how Jack eats too much and eats everything in

sight, blah blah blah, and that he's getting to be very big. She makes it sound

like he is overweight. Well, when I saw him two weeks ago, I realized why he

eats so much. He's 13 years old and is taller than me and is built like a

football player--not a fat football player, just a sturdy one, one you can't

knock over. He looks perfectly healthy to me.

>

> She will say things to me or other family members like, " well, I only need to

eat half a sandwich, then I'm full! " Like she's gloating that her metabolism is

slow and she can't understand that different people need different calorie

needs. For example, I'm an athlete, my average weekly running mileage is between

25-40 miles--I HAVE to eat a certain amount of food or I'll just wither away.

She doesn't understand that. She'll actually deny Jack food if she thinks he's

had enough to eat. The way she made it sound too, it was like he was eating all

the time, but really when I was there, he was only requesting food at normal

time: breakfast, lunch, snack, dinner, sometimes dessert. So, yes, I can see a

nada making an 8-year-old take uppers. Absolutely. Remember, you are an

extension of herself.

>

> By the way, ironically, my mom, who has always been smaller than me because I

take after my father, has gained a lot of weight over the past few years. When I

was visiting her, and I don't know if this is BPD behavior or what, but she kept

insisting that I borrow her jeans or her clothes and asking what size I wore.

And I felt like that was none of her business, and I didn't want her judging

me--regardless of if I feel like I want to be smaller or if I'm happy where I

am--and she kept getting angry at me for not borrowing her clothes so she could

see how they fit.

>

> Does that seem weird to you?

>

[Guest guest]

Thanks!

But its not *about* what you would or would not do, its about what nada happens

to be thinking at the moment and projects onto you. Get it? Its not about you

at all.

For whatever reason nada is suddenly concerned about her own weight and she's

purging (crapping or vomiting) her negative thoughts about herself, getting rid

of them by projecting them out of herself onto someone else.

And her child (her mini-me, her appendage, her possession, her clone, her other

self) is the most convenient receptacle for nada to purge into.

Lucky us.

-Annie

>

> beautifully said Annie.

>

> Wow, what a bitch. I bet she would shun someone because of their weight.

> That's so weird though, because she has been overweight my whole life. Why

> would I suddenly do that?

>

[Guest guest]

Thanks!

But its not *about* what you would or would not do, its about what nada happens

to be thinking at the moment and projects onto you. Get it? Its not about you

at all.

For whatever reason nada is suddenly concerned about her own weight and she's

purging (crapping or vomiting) her negative thoughts about herself, getting rid

of them by projecting them out of herself onto someone else.

And her child (her mini-me, her appendage, her possession, her clone, her other

self) is the most convenient receptacle for nada to purge into.

Lucky us.

-Annie

>

> beautifully said Annie.

>

> Wow, what a bitch. I bet she would shun someone because of their weight.

> That's so weird though, because she has been overweight my whole life. Why

> would I suddenly do that?

>

[Guest guest]

Thanks!

But its not *about* what you would or would not do, its about what nada happens

to be thinking at the moment and projects onto you. Get it? Its not about you

at all.

For whatever reason nada is suddenly concerned about her own weight and she's

purging (crapping or vomiting) her negative thoughts about herself, getting rid

of them by projecting them out of herself onto someone else.

And her child (her mini-me, her appendage, her possession, her clone, her other

self) is the most convenient receptacle for nada to purge into.

Lucky us.

-Annie

>

> beautifully said Annie.

>

> Wow, what a bitch. I bet she would shun someone because of their weight.

> That's so weird though, because she has been overweight my whole life. Why

> would I suddenly do that?

>

[Guest guest]

Yes, Annie, I have gone NC with her regarding any discussion of weight or food

(though I did stand up for my stepbro while I was visiting-I worry about him a

lot and not just about the food thing). I don't care one inch what she thinks

about me and my appearance, and I love your analogy to the March Hare and Mad

Hatter. Perfect!

I definitely intend to have a conversation with my stepfather about how she

treats stepbro though. I know that stepdad does not leave him alone with her

anymore, and I wonder if she notices that he has arranged his life to make sure

that doesn't happen? Anyways, that's a different topic.

It's just so funny to me because she kept trying to get me to try her clothes

on, and I just kept laughing and saying " no, that's okay " , and I KNEW the only

reason she wanted me to was so that she could see if she was smaller than me

(which she's not--not anymore) so she could be smug and feel good about herself

by trying to make me feel bad. I definitely did not let her win that one.

Thanks, Annie, for your insights. I do think I need to say more to stepdad about

my concern for stepbro.

[Guest guest]

" Another thing on the size front that my nada did is she would give me

clothes as gifts but they would be way way too big. For example an XL or XXL or

XXXL when I wear a size medium. And she knows that I wear a medium. "

Oh, my mother does that too and it is so frustrating (and yes, insulting). I

wear a medium size top, but because I'm bustier than her, she always buys me

HUGE tops that look like I'm wearing a freaking bag. And it's like she's doing

it because she's jealous and also trying to hurt me at the same time. It doesn't

work (and never has). My mother has always dressed like a dowdy old maid from

the 50s, and, while I'm no fashion fiend, I have had my trend-setting moments.

But back to food, have you ever noticed, besides nadas triggering us to comfort

food, that when you visit (if they are in a " good " mood) that they try to

overfeed you? Yes, I know that's contrary to how she treats my stepbro, but

whenever she and I visit she always tries to get me to eat lots of unhealthy and

sugary food, while abstaining herself.

[Guest guest]

I have been this way about everything my whole life and am morbidly obese as a

result. I am trying to learn how to be satisfied with what my body really

needs, which is much, much, much, much less than I am accustomed to eating.

--.

[Guest guest]

I have been this way about everything my whole life and am morbidly obese as a

result. I am trying to learn how to be satisfied with what my body really

needs, which is much, much, much, much less than I am accustomed to eating.

--.

[Guest guest]

Hi , yep I'm not thin either and the sad thing is my body image in my mind

is still thin! My FOO trained me to use food emotionally. Even this past

visit they were busy shoving food at me - food I didn't want for the most part.

But they weren't interested in how I was, how my life is, or the ongoing

difficult circumstances I'm dealing with. So when I'm with them it's not hard

to eat light, so light I lose weight because in a way I'm keeping their energy

out of me. When I was living at home I was almost anorexic. But when I'm away

and getting triggered the food brainwashing can kick in.

I guess this is how addicts are made and in our case it's just food. I can

easily see how drinking or drugs could fill the same emotional hole. If lung

cancer weren't such a dreadful risk, I'd wish that I was a smoker instead.

>

> I have been this way about everything my whole life and am morbidly obese as a

result. I am trying to learn how to be satisfied with what my body really

needs, which is much, much, much, much less than I am accustomed to eating.

>

> --.

>

[Guest guest]

Of course, it isn't any easier when you are one of those people who only needs,

say, 800 calories a day to be a normal size when the rest of the world needs

1200-2000.

*sigh*

--.

[Guest guest]

Of course, it isn't any easier when you are one of those people who only needs,

say, 800 calories a day to be a normal size when the rest of the world needs

1200-2000.

*sigh*

--.

[Guest guest]

Of course, it isn't any easier when you are one of those people who only needs,

say, 800 calories a day to be a normal size when the rest of the world needs

1200-2000.

*sigh*

--.

[Guest guest]

Dear Annie, Girlscout and Everyone on this thread,

I was wondering about connections with PD and anorexia/bulimia? I understand

that it has been noted that many individuals in treatment for eating disorders

have comorbid personality disorders/issues that are also pretty stable

(resistant to treatment and enduring traits). Is anyone aware of studies

linking these two issues or info about it?

I had bulimia for most of my life as a result of being taught this behavior by

mom. She actually started teaching my 8 year-old son to vomit when he " felt too

full " after she gave him unbelievable amounts of junk food as a 4 year-old.

(No, she is not allowed to have time unsupervised anymore now and was very

limited after that and other freaky stuff.)

I was able to stop the purging via vomiting and exercise after marrying my

husband 10 years ago. Lovely thing though, the binging part was not completely

eradicated. So I ballooned to over 200 pounds (way too much weight for me at

5'2 " ). Anyway, working on this (down to size 16 and under 200; also exercising,

eating healthy food, etc). Lots of progress and have not resumed binging or

purging for years now. This is another example to me of behavior I learned but

is not a deep, enduring part of who I am, like with BPD which is so resistant to

change. Valid concept?

p.s. Who else has nadas with food/weight issues; or should we just ask anyone to

raise their hand if nada is reasonable about food? My guess is that this would

be the exception.

+Coal Miner's Daughter