Guest guest Posted January 7, 2011 Report Share Posted January 7, 2011 Big HUGS to you. I know, it is so so hard. It sounds like you are just so frustrated, at your wits end... and I don't blame you at all!!! Going NC (no contact) with my nada took just over 2 years for me to actually do. Every one of us is different as are our situations. So try not to kick yourself for not being able to do it. I think some others here went LC (limited contact) before going NC. And some here still have full contact with their nadas & fadas. It has to be what is best for YOU. But like I said, don't kick yourself for not being able to do it. If that is the path that is right for you, you will find it!!! I'm sorry to hear you're sick too, and all of this is likely not going to help that. Try the best you can to relax and maybe just try laying low from her at least until you recover. You are by no means obligated to answer the phone if you don't want to. Just put it on silent and let your answering machine or voice mail get it. You check it when YOU want to. You said you feel like you don't trust your own opinion because she is always right. Again, I can totally relate to that. That's part of the FOG (fear, obligation & guilt) that nadas & fadas are good at putting us in. I think it would help you to try & discover who you are in all of this. I suspect that your nada has also tried to project herself onto you as well so it wouldn't surprise me if you did find yourself wondering where she ends & you begin. Again, I am all too familiar with that feeling. I'm glad you were able to vent here, get it off of your chest. That is ALWAYS really really good. But I'm wondering, are you seeing a therapist at all? If not, I would highly recommend that you do. Not because there's anything wrong with YOU. But because you have felt the many wraths of a nada and yes, it leaves some scars. A therapist can help you heal from them. If you can, read Stop Walking on Eggshells (SWOE), get the workbook too. Another good one is Understanding the Borderline Mother. At the end of every message here, it lists some recommended books too, those include Toxic Parents, surviving a borderline parent & that understanding the borderline mother that I mentioned. I haven't read toxic parents or surviving a BPD parent yet, but I do plan to. I believe that our best chance to overcome the serious wounds left on us by our nadas & fadas that we must educate ourselves and learn how to stay safe. I also believe that we all have likely had to find ourselves in all of the nada/fada mess because they so often project themselves onto us. It takes some time, but you can do it, and we're here to help & cheer you on if we can! More hugs for you!!! Mia Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 7, 2011 Report Share Posted January 7, 2011 Big HUGS to you. I know, it is so so hard. It sounds like you are just so frustrated, at your wits end... and I don't blame you at all!!! Going NC (no contact) with my nada took just over 2 years for me to actually do. Every one of us is different as are our situations. So try not to kick yourself for not being able to do it. I think some others here went LC (limited contact) before going NC. And some here still have full contact with their nadas & fadas. It has to be what is best for YOU. But like I said, don't kick yourself for not being able to do it. If that is the path that is right for you, you will find it!!! I'm sorry to hear you're sick too, and all of this is likely not going to help that. Try the best you can to relax and maybe just try laying low from her at least until you recover. You are by no means obligated to answer the phone if you don't want to. Just put it on silent and let your answering machine or voice mail get it. You check it when YOU want to. You said you feel like you don't trust your own opinion because she is always right. Again, I can totally relate to that. That's part of the FOG (fear, obligation & guilt) that nadas & fadas are good at putting us in. I think it would help you to try & discover who you are in all of this. I suspect that your nada has also tried to project herself onto you as well so it wouldn't surprise me if you did find yourself wondering where she ends & you begin. Again, I am all too familiar with that feeling. I'm glad you were able to vent here, get it off of your chest. That is ALWAYS really really good. But I'm wondering, are you seeing a therapist at all? If not, I would highly recommend that you do. Not because there's anything wrong with YOU. But because you have felt the many wraths of a nada and yes, it leaves some scars. A therapist can help you heal from them. If you can, read Stop Walking on Eggshells (SWOE), get the workbook too. Another good one is Understanding the Borderline Mother. At the end of every message here, it lists some recommended books too, those include Toxic Parents, surviving a borderline parent & that understanding the borderline mother that I mentioned. I haven't read toxic parents or surviving a BPD parent yet, but I do plan to. I believe that our best chance to overcome the serious wounds left on us by our nadas & fadas that we must educate ourselves and learn how to stay safe. I also believe that we all have likely had to find ourselves in all of the nada/fada mess because they so often project themselves onto us. It takes some time, but you can do it, and we're here to help & cheer you on if we can! More hugs for you!!! Mia Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 7, 2011 Report Share Posted January 7, 2011 I am so sorry you're being hoovered back in. And I know it's hard to separate her meanness and not take it personally. I'm going through that right now. So angry at mom for her behavior, yet trying to reconcile that she can't control it? Nobody likes walking on eggshells, but it's hard to stop. Unfortunately, she got to you, which is exactly what she wanted probably. She got to be the one who ended it or said she " didn't want to talk about it " . That's probably exactly what she wanted: to control you. It's okay. You are allowed to feel. And you don't have to apologize because she says things that hurt you. But I think if she makes you feel this way, maybe consider going back to NC or re-establishing your boundaries (and keeping them--don't call her back--vent here before you do that). We're here for you! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 7, 2011 Report Share Posted January 7, 2011 I am so sorry you're being hoovered back in. And I know it's hard to separate her meanness and not take it personally. I'm going through that right now. So angry at mom for her behavior, yet trying to reconcile that she can't control it? Nobody likes walking on eggshells, but it's hard to stop. Unfortunately, she got to you, which is exactly what she wanted probably. She got to be the one who ended it or said she " didn't want to talk about it " . That's probably exactly what she wanted: to control you. It's okay. You are allowed to feel. And you don't have to apologize because she says things that hurt you. But I think if she makes you feel this way, maybe consider going back to NC or re-establishing your boundaries (and keeping them--don't call her back--vent here before you do that). We're here for you! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 7, 2011 Report Share Posted January 7, 2011 Hi Lata, There is nothing wrong about taking a " time out " from a relationship with your nada if you need space and privacy. A " time out " can be temporary. But if you're fighting some germ that needs an antibiotic to help knock it out, that's not just a little cold and you do need a lot of rest. Perhaps this isn't the time to tackle something new like setting boundaries with your nada. So my suggestion is to rest, relax, and read up on bpd while you're recuperating. Arm yourself with knowledge, its empowering. Then, when you're feeling more recovered, maybe try cutting back on how much time you spend in contact with your nada and cut back on how much personal information you share with her. Begin to gradually emotionally distance yourself. It doesn't necessarily have to be an all-or-nothing situation, unless that feels better for you. So, don't call as often or accept/return calls as often. Keep the calls shorter. Keep them on non-personal topics so that you don't give nada too much information about yourself and your life; instead, just keep her talking about herself. (You have the right to your private, personal adult life; you are not obligated to share personal, intimate subjects with your nada.) When important events or issues are coming up for you, perhaps don't even mention them to nada until after they're over or resolved. The idea is to guide the relationship away from intimacy and unhealthy enmeshment, toward more neutrality and healthy detachment. Just my two cents worth to take or leave as it suits you. -Annie > > > The last post I sent out I was gung ho that I was going to cut my Nada off, but of course I can't. I was hoovered back in amongst other things. > > One of the things I dislike the most about dealing with my Nada is she thinks she is all knowing.... Everything to anything....I mean medicine to the environment. She will correct you to a fault if you " got her wrong " or you disagree with her opinion. > > Today I called to have a peaceful conversation with her about my current illness. I am sick as a dog and I went to the doctor. She proceeded to tell me, like I am a child and an idiot, that she told me last night that she thought I might be allergic to my antibiotic and the doctor said I might be today too. It instantly made me angry, because she has also said she thinks I have pneumonia and several other things in the past few days. WTF? I got angry and I did what I normally do...shut down and ask to end the call. But I texted a supportive friend who is well aware of my Nada's BPD. In the text I said- " I am getting tired of not letting her know how she makes me feel " . Something welled up inside me and I called her back! I lit into her and asked her why it made a difference if I was allergic to the antibiotic- " because I am your mom " , I asked, " why did it make such a difference that you needed to correct me the way you did? And how am I supposed to know if I am allergic to an antibiotic? " , She says, " I don't want to talk about this " , I ended by saying, " I didn't either the first call. That's why I ended it. We can do that again. " I then hung up! > > I am 34 (crying uncontrollably) years old! I am tired of dancing around my mom and her feelings. She does not care about mine. She does not care how she makes me feel. EVER! I have minded my mouth and my whole family has for as long as I have been alive and I guess my dad has longer than that. I am tired of " Walking on Eggshells " . I am a grownup. I don't even stand up for myself at work or in many other arenas...it's because I couldn't or I'd get clobbered physically or emotionally. I am tired of this. I am tired of covering for her mental illness. I am tired of dealing with this lady. I don't even think I trust my own opinion, because she's always right - or thinks she is. WTF... > > I am a child of a Nada and I am getting tired of being flexible...dodging the crossfire....catering to her BPD.... I cannot tell you how tired and done I am. > > I have been dating a man for a short time now, but I have known his family for many years. I spent Christmas Day with his family. It makes me cry, because I felt love in that home. A feeling I haven't felt in my home. It was amazing to see the love pour out from them. I am afraid to tell him about my mom's BPD. She hates when I find someone who loves me. She gets jealous and treats them badly. I figure I should warn him. > > My God. I guess I am just venting/rambling. I am tired, friends. I am thankful for whatever that was that welled up within me. No doubt she will either do one of two things (I know her better than she knows herself)- 1. attack me to others or 2. start hoovering soon, because she knows she has upset me. She may also choose to " forgive " me, because I am sick right now. She'll blame my uprising on illness. > > Just tired...I am headed for a nap! > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 7, 2011 Report Share Posted January 7, 2011 Hi Lata, There is nothing wrong about taking a " time out " from a relationship with your nada if you need space and privacy. A " time out " can be temporary. But if you're fighting some germ that needs an antibiotic to help knock it out, that's not just a little cold and you do need a lot of rest. Perhaps this isn't the time to tackle something new like setting boundaries with your nada. So my suggestion is to rest, relax, and read up on bpd while you're recuperating. Arm yourself with knowledge, its empowering. Then, when you're feeling more recovered, maybe try cutting back on how much time you spend in contact with your nada and cut back on how much personal information you share with her. Begin to gradually emotionally distance yourself. It doesn't necessarily have to be an all-or-nothing situation, unless that feels better for you. So, don't call as often or accept/return calls as often. Keep the calls shorter. Keep them on non-personal topics so that you don't give nada too much information about yourself and your life; instead, just keep her talking about herself. (You have the right to your private, personal adult life; you are not obligated to share personal, intimate subjects with your nada.) When important events or issues are coming up for you, perhaps don't even mention them to nada until after they're over or resolved. The idea is to guide the relationship away from intimacy and unhealthy enmeshment, toward more neutrality and healthy detachment. Just my two cents worth to take or leave as it suits you. -Annie > > > The last post I sent out I was gung ho that I was going to cut my Nada off, but of course I can't. I was hoovered back in amongst other things. > > One of the things I dislike the most about dealing with my Nada is she thinks she is all knowing.... Everything to anything....I mean medicine to the environment. She will correct you to a fault if you " got her wrong " or you disagree with her opinion. > > Today I called to have a peaceful conversation with her about my current illness. I am sick as a dog and I went to the doctor. She proceeded to tell me, like I am a child and an idiot, that she told me last night that she thought I might be allergic to my antibiotic and the doctor said I might be today too. It instantly made me angry, because she has also said she thinks I have pneumonia and several other things in the past few days. WTF? I got angry and I did what I normally do...shut down and ask to end the call. But I texted a supportive friend who is well aware of my Nada's BPD. In the text I said- " I am getting tired of not letting her know how she makes me feel " . Something welled up inside me and I called her back! I lit into her and asked her why it made a difference if I was allergic to the antibiotic- " because I am your mom " , I asked, " why did it make such a difference that you needed to correct me the way you did? And how am I supposed to know if I am allergic to an antibiotic? " , She says, " I don't want to talk about this " , I ended by saying, " I didn't either the first call. That's why I ended it. We can do that again. " I then hung up! > > I am 34 (crying uncontrollably) years old! I am tired of dancing around my mom and her feelings. She does not care about mine. She does not care how she makes me feel. EVER! I have minded my mouth and my whole family has for as long as I have been alive and I guess my dad has longer than that. I am tired of " Walking on Eggshells " . I am a grownup. I don't even stand up for myself at work or in many other arenas...it's because I couldn't or I'd get clobbered physically or emotionally. I am tired of this. I am tired of covering for her mental illness. I am tired of dealing with this lady. I don't even think I trust my own opinion, because she's always right - or thinks she is. WTF... > > I am a child of a Nada and I am getting tired of being flexible...dodging the crossfire....catering to her BPD.... I cannot tell you how tired and done I am. > > I have been dating a man for a short time now, but I have known his family for many years. I spent Christmas Day with his family. It makes me cry, because I felt love in that home. A feeling I haven't felt in my home. It was amazing to see the love pour out from them. I am afraid to tell him about my mom's BPD. She hates when I find someone who loves me. She gets jealous and treats them badly. I figure I should warn him. > > My God. I guess I am just venting/rambling. I am tired, friends. I am thankful for whatever that was that welled up within me. No doubt she will either do one of two things (I know her better than she knows herself)- 1. attack me to others or 2. start hoovering soon, because she knows she has upset me. She may also choose to " forgive " me, because I am sick right now. She'll blame my uprising on illness. > > Just tired...I am headed for a nap! > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 7, 2011 Report Share Posted January 7, 2011 Classic BP FOG manipulation. The only winning move is NOT to play. > Today I called to have a peaceful conversation with her about my current illness. I am sick as a dog and I went to the doctor. She proceeded to tell me, like I am a child and an idiot, And at this point, I would interrupt her, rudely as necessary, but calmly, and say, Mom, I did not call to get your diagnosis. That is why I m going to a Dr. Let s let him do that. I just feel ill and was looking for some support. that she told me last night that she thought I might be allergic to my antibiotic and the doctor said I might be today too. It instantly made me angry, because she has also said she thinks I have pneumonia and several other things in the past few days. WTF? I got angry and I did what I normally do...shut down and ask to end the call. But I texted a supportive friend who is well aware of my Nada's BPD. In the text I said- " I am getting tired of not letting her know how she makes me feel " . Something welled up inside me and I called her back! I lit into her and asked her why it made a difference if I was allergic to the antibiotic- I used to hate the phrase, " Because I m the Mother. " Said just like that, it was supposed to be an excuse for any misbehavior she chose to inflict on me. " because I am your mom " , I asked, " why did it make such a difference that you needed to correct me the way you did? And how am I supposed to know if I am allergic to an antibiotic? " , And of course if things are not going her way, she doesn t want to talk, thereby cutting off your ability to say what you want to say, very frustrating. She says, " I don't want to talk about this " , I ended by saying, " I didn't either the first call. That's why I ended it. We can do that again. " I then hung up! > > I am 34 (crying uncontrollably) years old! I am tired of dancing around my mom and her feelings. She does not care about mine. Sadly, and I know this is a heartbreaking discovery, no, she doesnt. She is as self centered as a 3 year old. Nothing matters except how it makes her feel. Is my daughter in the hospital? The issue is not, I hope she gets well soon, rather it is, you just don t know how much it upsets me for her to be sick. It is all about her. She does not care how she makes me feel. EVER! I have minded my mouth and my whole family has for as long as I have been alive and I guess my dad has longer than that. I am tired of " Walking on Eggshells " . I am a grownup. I don't even stand up for myself at work or in many other arenas...it's because I couldn't or I'd get clobbered physically or emotionally. I am tired of this. I am tired of covering for her mental illness. I am tired of dealing with this lady. I don't even think I trust my own opinion, because she's always right - or thinks she is. WTF... One of their favorite tricks is the whole gaslighting, remembering altered versions of reality, and making the family distrust their own memory. She will use FOG and other techniques to try and force you to always agree with her. But you don t have to. And you are not obligated to. A BP wants to be the bride at every wedding, the corpse at every funeral, the Dr and the Patient in every surgery. They are never happy if they are not the sole focus of attention. The kind of support you wish you could get from your mom because you are sick is just not likely to happen. > > I am a child of a Nada and I am getting tired of being flexible...dodging the crossfire....catering to her BPD.... I cannot tell you how tired and done I am. > > I have been dating a man for a short time now, but I have known his family for many years. I spent Christmas Day with his family. It makes me cry, because I felt love in that home. A feeling I haven't felt in my home. It was amazing to see the love pour out from them. I am afraid to tell him about my mom's BPD. She hates when I find someone who loves me. She gets jealous and treats them badly. I figure I should warn him. Don t share it with her. Limit her contact with you. If she finds out and mentions it, calmly tell her you chose not to tell her because of how she has treated significant others in your past. But if you care for this man, and he cares for you, part of growing a relationship is honesty. Tell him. If he grew up in a loving, supportive family, you ll be amazed at how much understanding you find there. > > My God. I guess I am just venting/rambling. I am tired, friends. I am thankful for whatever that was that welled up within me. No doubt she will either do one of two things (I know her better than she knows herself)- 1. attack me to others or 2. start hoovering soon, because she knows she has upset me. She may also choose to " forgive " me, because I am sick right now. She'll blame my uprising on illness. Good advice, but hard advice. Ignore nada s attacks of you to others. In time they figure out what she is. In time they fall prey to her attacks as well. If she does try the forgive you routine, be aware this is FOG manipulation. Press back, I was angry because you were condescending to me. I don t appreciate it, I never have, and I m not going to accept it in the future. Yes boys and girls, there s a new sheriff in town. So hang yer guns behind the bar. Doug > > Just tired...I am headed for a nap! > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 7, 2011 Report Share Posted January 7, 2011 Every single response in my thread was so helpful. So helpful! I am going to probably try a few of the recommended resources and actions. The sad thing is I love the lady so much, my Nada. I know she loves me too, but I guess I just feel confused right now. No matter what I feel like I know, I end up at a point where I am re-confused by her. I have started stop walking on eggshells on my kindle app, but I am realizing I have to have a workbook, because I need it badly. I need to do some working through of this. I don't currently have a therapist, but I have had one off & on for many years. Therapy usually centers around my Nada too. Most recently I did some EMDR work, it's just that my Nada is still a Nada. Thank you so much for the support. Thank you group! LaChondra Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 7, 2011 Report Share Posted January 7, 2011 Every single response in my thread was so helpful. So helpful! I am going to probably try a few of the recommended resources and actions. The sad thing is I love the lady so much, my Nada. I know she loves me too, but I guess I just feel confused right now. No matter what I feel like I know, I end up at a point where I am re-confused by her. I have started stop walking on eggshells on my kindle app, but I am realizing I have to have a workbook, because I need it badly. I need to do some working through of this. I don't currently have a therapist, but I have had one off & on for many years. Therapy usually centers around my Nada too. Most recently I did some EMDR work, it's just that my Nada is still a Nada. Thank you so much for the support. Thank you group! LaChondra Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 7, 2011 Report Share Posted January 7, 2011 I totally understand how you feel. Frustrated, angry and helpless. I've been there too. I used to get mad at her and that just fuelled her feeling of victimhood and been " misunderstood " . Maybe in her mind and judgement she was. Anyways, see if you can take some time off from her and minimize the communication. A big hug to you. Take Care. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 7, 2011 Report Share Posted January 7, 2011 I totally understand how you feel. Frustrated, angry and helpless. I've been there too. I used to get mad at her and that just fuelled her feeling of victimhood and been " misunderstood " . Maybe in her mind and judgement she was. Anyways, see if you can take some time off from her and minimize the communication. A big hug to you. Take Care. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 8, 2011 Report Share Posted January 8, 2011 This is so true that it would be a good time for you since you're down to take that opportunity to read books that were suggested by different ones. You need major validation right now and zero contact with her. You're not up to it. From all the books I've read, their feelings always come first no matter what! Of course, it's total bullshit but that is what we have to deal with. not a real mom basically!The book Understanding the Borderline Mother brings out that the Webster defines mothering as " to care for or protect " . Can any of us say that we fell cared for or protected growing up with a bpd mother. Most of us would say Hell No! Seeking any kind of comfort from our nadas is a waste of time. It's sad and wrong but it is what it is. You'd get more comfort from a pet. My heart truly goes out to you, I feel your pain! As you can see you are so not alone! Maybe that can be a source of comfort right now. Take care of yourself, tomorrow is another day! And as sucky as that day might have been you get another shot the following day, just keep her out for now, seriously! We're all here with you. Del > > > The last post I sent out I was gung ho that I was going to cut my Nada off, but of course I can't. I was hoovered back in amongst other things. > > One of the things I dislike the most about dealing with my Nada is she thinks she is all knowing.... Everything to anything....I mean medicine to the environment. She will correct you to a fault if you " got her wrong " or you disagree with her opinion. > > Today I called to have a peaceful conversation with her about my current illness. I am sick as a dog and I went to the doctor. She proceeded to tell me, like I am a child and an idiot, that she told me last night that she thought I might be allergic to my antibiotic and the doctor said I might be today too. It instantly made me angry, because she has also said she thinks I have pneumonia and several other things in the past few days. WTF? I got angry and I did what I normally do...shut down and ask to end the call. But I texted a supportive friend who is well aware of my Nada's BPD. In the text I said- " I am getting tired of not letting her know how she makes me feel " . Something welled up inside me and I called her back! I lit into her and asked her why it made a difference if I was allergic to the antibiotic- " because I am your mom " , I asked, " why did it make such a difference that you needed to correct me the way you did? And how am I supposed to know if I am allergic to an antibiotic? " , She says, " I don't want to talk about this " , I ended by saying, " I didn't either the first call. That's why I ended it. We can do that again. " I then hung up! > > I am 34 (crying uncontrollably) years old! I am tired of dancing around my mom and her feelings. She does not care about mine. She does not care how she makes me feel. EVER! I have minded my mouth and my whole family has for as long as I have been alive and I guess my dad has longer than that. I am tired of " Walking on Eggshells " . I am a grownup. I don't even stand up for myself at work or in many other arenas...it's because I couldn't or I'd get clobbered physically or emotionally. I am tired of this. I am tired of covering for her mental illness. I am tired of dealing with this lady. I don't even think I trust my own opinion, because she's always right - or thinks she is. WTF... > > I am a child of a Nada and I am getting tired of being flexible...dodging the crossfire....catering to her BPD.... I cannot tell you how tired and done I am. > > I have been dating a man for a short time now, but I have known his family for many years. I spent Christmas Day with his family. It makes me cry, because I felt love in that home. A feeling I haven't felt in my home. It was amazing to see the love pour out from them. I am afraid to tell him about my mom's BPD. She hates when I find someone who loves me. She gets jealous and treats them badly. I figure I should warn him. > > My God. I guess I am just venting/rambling. I am tired, friends. I am thankful for whatever that was that welled up within me. No doubt she will either do one of two things (I know her better than she knows herself)- 1. attack me to others or 2. start hoovering soon, because she knows she has upset me. She may also choose to " forgive " me, because I am sick right now. She'll blame my uprising on illness. > > Just tired...I am headed for a nap! > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 8, 2011 Report Share Posted January 8, 2011 This is so true that it would be a good time for you since you're down to take that opportunity to read books that were suggested by different ones. You need major validation right now and zero contact with her. You're not up to it. From all the books I've read, their feelings always come first no matter what! Of course, it's total bullshit but that is what we have to deal with. not a real mom basically!The book Understanding the Borderline Mother brings out that the Webster defines mothering as " to care for or protect " . Can any of us say that we fell cared for or protected growing up with a bpd mother. Most of us would say Hell No! Seeking any kind of comfort from our nadas is a waste of time. It's sad and wrong but it is what it is. You'd get more comfort from a pet. My heart truly goes out to you, I feel your pain! As you can see you are so not alone! Maybe that can be a source of comfort right now. Take care of yourself, tomorrow is another day! And as sucky as that day might have been you get another shot the following day, just keep her out for now, seriously! We're all here with you. Del > > > The last post I sent out I was gung ho that I was going to cut my Nada off, but of course I can't. I was hoovered back in amongst other things. > > One of the things I dislike the most about dealing with my Nada is she thinks she is all knowing.... Everything to anything....I mean medicine to the environment. She will correct you to a fault if you " got her wrong " or you disagree with her opinion. > > Today I called to have a peaceful conversation with her about my current illness. I am sick as a dog and I went to the doctor. She proceeded to tell me, like I am a child and an idiot, that she told me last night that she thought I might be allergic to my antibiotic and the doctor said I might be today too. It instantly made me angry, because she has also said she thinks I have pneumonia and several other things in the past few days. WTF? I got angry and I did what I normally do...shut down and ask to end the call. But I texted a supportive friend who is well aware of my Nada's BPD. In the text I said- " I am getting tired of not letting her know how she makes me feel " . Something welled up inside me and I called her back! I lit into her and asked her why it made a difference if I was allergic to the antibiotic- " because I am your mom " , I asked, " why did it make such a difference that you needed to correct me the way you did? And how am I supposed to know if I am allergic to an antibiotic? " , She says, " I don't want to talk about this " , I ended by saying, " I didn't either the first call. That's why I ended it. We can do that again. " I then hung up! > > I am 34 (crying uncontrollably) years old! I am tired of dancing around my mom and her feelings. She does not care about mine. She does not care how she makes me feel. EVER! I have minded my mouth and my whole family has for as long as I have been alive and I guess my dad has longer than that. I am tired of " Walking on Eggshells " . I am a grownup. I don't even stand up for myself at work or in many other arenas...it's because I couldn't or I'd get clobbered physically or emotionally. I am tired of this. I am tired of covering for her mental illness. I am tired of dealing with this lady. I don't even think I trust my own opinion, because she's always right - or thinks she is. WTF... > > I am a child of a Nada and I am getting tired of being flexible...dodging the crossfire....catering to her BPD.... I cannot tell you how tired and done I am. > > I have been dating a man for a short time now, but I have known his family for many years. I spent Christmas Day with his family. It makes me cry, because I felt love in that home. A feeling I haven't felt in my home. It was amazing to see the love pour out from them. I am afraid to tell him about my mom's BPD. She hates when I find someone who loves me. She gets jealous and treats them badly. I figure I should warn him. > > My God. I guess I am just venting/rambling. I am tired, friends. I am thankful for whatever that was that welled up within me. No doubt she will either do one of two things (I know her better than she knows herself)- 1. attack me to others or 2. start hoovering soon, because she knows she has upset me. She may also choose to " forgive " me, because I am sick right now. She'll blame my uprising on illness. > > Just tired...I am headed for a nap! > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 8, 2011 Report Share Posted January 8, 2011 This is so true that it would be a good time for you since you're down to take that opportunity to read books that were suggested by different ones. You need major validation right now and zero contact with her. You're not up to it. From all the books I've read, their feelings always come first no matter what! Of course, it's total bullshit but that is what we have to deal with. not a real mom basically!The book Understanding the Borderline Mother brings out that the Webster defines mothering as " to care for or protect " . Can any of us say that we fell cared for or protected growing up with a bpd mother. Most of us would say Hell No! Seeking any kind of comfort from our nadas is a waste of time. It's sad and wrong but it is what it is. You'd get more comfort from a pet. My heart truly goes out to you, I feel your pain! As you can see you are so not alone! Maybe that can be a source of comfort right now. Take care of yourself, tomorrow is another day! And as sucky as that day might have been you get another shot the following day, just keep her out for now, seriously! We're all here with you. Del > > > The last post I sent out I was gung ho that I was going to cut my Nada off, but of course I can't. I was hoovered back in amongst other things. > > One of the things I dislike the most about dealing with my Nada is she thinks she is all knowing.... Everything to anything....I mean medicine to the environment. She will correct you to a fault if you " got her wrong " or you disagree with her opinion. > > Today I called to have a peaceful conversation with her about my current illness. I am sick as a dog and I went to the doctor. She proceeded to tell me, like I am a child and an idiot, that she told me last night that she thought I might be allergic to my antibiotic and the doctor said I might be today too. It instantly made me angry, because she has also said she thinks I have pneumonia and several other things in the past few days. WTF? I got angry and I did what I normally do...shut down and ask to end the call. But I texted a supportive friend who is well aware of my Nada's BPD. In the text I said- " I am getting tired of not letting her know how she makes me feel " . Something welled up inside me and I called her back! I lit into her and asked her why it made a difference if I was allergic to the antibiotic- " because I am your mom " , I asked, " why did it make such a difference that you needed to correct me the way you did? And how am I supposed to know if I am allergic to an antibiotic? " , She says, " I don't want to talk about this " , I ended by saying, " I didn't either the first call. That's why I ended it. We can do that again. " I then hung up! > > I am 34 (crying uncontrollably) years old! I am tired of dancing around my mom and her feelings. She does not care about mine. She does not care how she makes me feel. EVER! I have minded my mouth and my whole family has for as long as I have been alive and I guess my dad has longer than that. I am tired of " Walking on Eggshells " . I am a grownup. I don't even stand up for myself at work or in many other arenas...it's because I couldn't or I'd get clobbered physically or emotionally. I am tired of this. I am tired of covering for her mental illness. I am tired of dealing with this lady. I don't even think I trust my own opinion, because she's always right - or thinks she is. WTF... > > I am a child of a Nada and I am getting tired of being flexible...dodging the crossfire....catering to her BPD.... I cannot tell you how tired and done I am. > > I have been dating a man for a short time now, but I have known his family for many years. I spent Christmas Day with his family. It makes me cry, because I felt love in that home. A feeling I haven't felt in my home. It was amazing to see the love pour out from them. I am afraid to tell him about my mom's BPD. She hates when I find someone who loves me. She gets jealous and treats them badly. I figure I should warn him. > > My God. I guess I am just venting/rambling. I am tired, friends. I am thankful for whatever that was that welled up within me. No doubt she will either do one of two things (I know her better than she knows herself)- 1. attack me to others or 2. start hoovering soon, because she knows she has upset me. She may also choose to " forgive " me, because I am sick right now. She'll blame my uprising on illness. > > Just tired...I am headed for a nap! > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 8, 2011 Report Share Posted January 8, 2011 <<<Lata>>>, so sorry for how sick you're feeling and everything going on with your mother. I hope you're feeling much better soon. Ugh, I so know how you feel. I wish so often I didn't have to deal with my mother. With mine, it's her drama and her anxieties and her phobia and her fears. I hate being with her because I feel like I'm with someone with swine flu. I don't want to " catch " her disorder!! Even now in my 40s, it just feels like it never ends. And I know how you feel about your mother being all-knowing. Disagreeing with my mother is something I avoid. I disagreed with her, foolishly, last week about something and she went apesh*t. So much for trying to have a conversation! And as for friends, once again: me too! I recently began a friendship with a woman from my church. Very nice person, and as well, she's an attractive person, dresses well, smells perfumey. My mother does NOT like that kind of person. She finds people who dress up to be trying to one-up her or something. So when I told her I met my friend for lunch (and I think I told her because, honestly, I enjoy the look on my mother's face!), she said, " I don't see how you can have a friendship with someone like that. " It was so presumptuous of her to make that kind of remark to me. I'm a big girl. Don't freaking tell me who to have as my friends!!!! All of that to say, Lata, I know how you feel. Vent anytime you like! Fiona > > > The last post I sent out I was gung ho that I was going to cut my Nada off, but of course I can't. I was hoovered back in amongst other things. > > One of the things I dislike the most about dealing with my Nada is she thinks she is all knowing.... Everything to anything....I mean medicine to the environment. She will correct you to a fault if you " got her wrong " or you disagree with her opinion. > > Today I called to have a peaceful conversation with her about my current illness. I am sick as a dog and I went to the doctor. She proceeded to tell me, like I am a child and an idiot, that she told me last night that she thought I might be allergic to my antibiotic and the doctor said I might be today too. It instantly made me angry, because she has also said she thinks I have pneumonia and several other things in the past few days. WTF? I got angry and I did what I normally do...shut down and ask to end the call. But I texted a supportive friend who is well aware of my Nada's BPD. In the text I said- " I am getting tired of not letting her know how she makes me feel " . Something welled up inside me and I called her back! I lit into her and asked her why it made a difference if I was allergic to the antibiotic- " because I am your mom " , I asked, " why did it make such a difference that you needed to correct me the way you did? And how am I supposed to know if I am allergic to an antibiotic? " , She says, " I don't want to talk about this " , I ended by saying, " I didn't either the first call. That's why I ended it. We can do that again. " I then hung up! > > I am 34 (crying uncontrollably) years old! I am tired of dancing around my mom and her feelings. She does not care about mine. She does not care how she makes me feel. EVER! I have minded my mouth and my whole family has for as long as I have been alive and I guess my dad has longer than that. I am tired of " Walking on Eggshells " . I am a grownup. I don't even stand up for myself at work or in many other arenas...it's because I couldn't or I'd get clobbered physically or emotionally. I am tired of this. I am tired of covering for her mental illness. I am tired of dealing with this lady. I don't even think I trust my own opinion, because she's always right - or thinks she is. WTF... > > I am a child of a Nada and I am getting tired of being flexible...dodging the crossfire....catering to her BPD.... I cannot tell you how tired and done I am. > > I have been dating a man for a short time now, but I have known his family for many years. I spent Christmas Day with his family. It makes me cry, because I felt love in that home. A feeling I haven't felt in my home. It was amazing to see the love pour out from them. I am afraid to tell him about my mom's BPD. She hates when I find someone who loves me. She gets jealous and treats them badly. I figure I should warn him. > > My God. I guess I am just venting/rambling. I am tired, friends. I am thankful for whatever that was that welled up within me. No doubt she will either do one of two things (I know her better than she knows herself)- 1. attack me to others or 2. start hoovering soon, because she knows she has upset me. She may also choose to " forgive " me, because I am sick right now. She'll blame my uprising on illness. > > Just tired...I am headed for a nap! > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 8, 2011 Report Share Posted January 8, 2011 " Very nice person, and as well, she's an attractive person, dresses well, smells perfumey " Me too me too me too, my nada hates women who are attracitve, slender, dress nicely. If they have red hair to it might turn into a full on war! > > > <<<Lata>>>, so sorry for how sick you're feeling and everything going on > with your mother. I hope you're feeling much better soon. > > Ugh, I so know how you feel. I wish so often I didn't have to deal with my > mother. With mine, it's her drama and her anxieties and her phobia and her > fears. I hate being with her because I feel like I'm with someone with swine > flu. I don't want to " catch " her disorder!! > > Even now in my 40s, it just feels like it never ends. And I know how you > feel about your mother being all-knowing. Disagreeing with my mother is > something I avoid. I disagreed with her, foolishly, last week about > something and she went apesh*t. So much for trying to have a conversation! > > And as for friends, once again: me too! I recently began a friendship with > a woman from my church. Very nice person, and as well, she's an attractive > person, dresses well, smells perfumey. My mother does NOT like that kind of > person. She finds people who dress up to be trying to one-up her or > something. So when I told her I met my friend for lunch (and I think I told > her because, honestly, I enjoy the look on my mother's face!), she said, " I > don't see how you can have a friendship with someone like that. " It was so > presumptuous of her to make that kind of remark to me. I'm a big girl. Don't > freaking tell me who to have as my friends!!!! > > All of that to say, Lata, I know how you feel. Vent anytime you like! > > Fiona > > > > > > > > > The last post I sent out I was gung ho that I was going to cut my Nada > off, but of course I can't. I was hoovered back in amongst other things. > > > > One of the things I dislike the most about dealing with my Nada is she > thinks she is all knowing.... Everything to anything....I mean medicine to > the environment. She will correct you to a fault if you " got her wrong " or > you disagree with her opinion. > > > > Today I called to have a peaceful conversation with her about my current > illness. I am sick as a dog and I went to the doctor. She proceeded to tell > me, like I am a child and an idiot, that she told me last night that she > thought I might be allergic to my antibiotic and the doctor said I might be > today too. It instantly made me angry, because she has also said she thinks > I have pneumonia and several other things in the past few days. WTF? I got > angry and I did what I normally do...shut down and ask to end the call. But > I texted a supportive friend who is well aware of my Nada's BPD. In the text > I said- " I am getting tired of not letting her know how she makes me feel " . > Something welled up inside me and I called her back! I lit into her and > asked her why it made a difference if I was allergic to the antibiotic- > " because I am your mom " , I asked, " why did it make such a difference that > you needed to correct me the way you did? And how am I supposed to know if I > am allergic to an antibiotic? " , She says, " I don't want to talk about this " , > I ended by saying, " I didn't either the first call. That's why I ended it. > We can do that again. " I then hung up! > > > > I am 34 (crying uncontrollably) years old! I am tired of dancing around > my mom and her feelings. She does not care about mine. She does not care how > she makes me feel. EVER! I have minded my mouth and my whole family has for > as long as I have been alive and I guess my dad has longer than that. I am > tired of " Walking on Eggshells " . I am a grownup. I don't even stand up for > myself at work or in many other arenas...it's because I couldn't or I'd get > clobbered physically or emotionally. I am tired of this. I am tired of > covering for her mental illness. I am tired of dealing with this lady. I > don't even think I trust my own opinion, because she's always right - or > thinks she is. WTF... > > > > I am a child of a Nada and I am getting tired of being flexible...dodging > the crossfire....catering to her BPD.... I cannot tell you how tired and > done I am. > > > > I have been dating a man for a short time now, but I have known his > family for many years. I spent Christmas Day with his family. It makes me > cry, because I felt love in that home. A feeling I haven't felt in my home. > It was amazing to see the love pour out from them. I am afraid to tell him > about my mom's BPD. She hates when I find someone who loves me. She gets > jealous and treats them badly. I figure I should warn him. > > > > My God. I guess I am just venting/rambling. I am tired, friends. I am > thankful for whatever that was that welled up within me. No doubt she will > either do one of two things (I know her better than she knows herself)- 1. > attack me to others or 2. start hoovering soon, because she knows she has > upset me. She may also choose to " forgive " me, because I am sick right now. > She'll blame my uprising on illness. > > > > Just tired...I am headed for a nap! > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 8, 2011 Report Share Posted January 8, 2011 I have to thank everyone for so much support. I haven't heard from my Nada since the incident. I also don't plan to call her anytime soon. Without knowing what LC and NC are, I did that in the past. I am not quite sure why I feel like I need her now. I always give in to the hoovering. Repeated, unnecessary, unwanted phone calls. Sometimes without obvious reason. I am headed out to shop shortly. I think I will look for a workbook. It is the eeriest feeling that there is a whole community of people who know exactly what I have been through. I have felt so alone. I am so thankful that I found the out of the fog website. Thank you, Kindred Spirits! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 8, 2011 Report Share Posted January 8, 2011 I have to thank everyone for so much support. I haven't heard from my Nada since the incident. I also don't plan to call her anytime soon. Without knowing what LC and NC are, I did that in the past. I am not quite sure why I feel like I need her now. I always give in to the hoovering. Repeated, unnecessary, unwanted phone calls. Sometimes without obvious reason. I am headed out to shop shortly. I think I will look for a workbook. It is the eeriest feeling that there is a whole community of people who know exactly what I have been through. I have felt so alone. I am so thankful that I found the out of the fog website. Thank you, Kindred Spirits! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 9, 2011 Report Share Posted January 9, 2011 The hoovering has begun! First voicemail is- " I hope you're feeling better! " *gag* Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 9, 2011 Report Share Posted January 9, 2011 This is after her abusive treatment of you over the holidays, if I remember correctly. Perhaps use this as an opportunity to begin gently detaching emotionally from your mother: to become more neutral emotionally in your feelings toward her, while remaining polite and kind; to let go of your need for her approval and validation. I am no longer in any contact with my Cluster B mom aka my nada, but each of us has a unique situation. Some of us can remain in contact with our bpd parent(s) but with boundaries in place. Its a very individual choice, contact or no contact. My nada's two main styles of communicating with me were either to talk endlessly about herself, or engage in something I call " the interrogation. " She'd just fire one question after another at me. That's not a conversation, and I found it unpleasant. When I was still in contact with her, I found it easier to get her talking about herself and just say " uh-huh " once in a while. So, if your mother does try to initiate an " interrogation " , I suggest you deflect it or mirror it back to her by not answering her questions but instead asking your own: get her to talk about herself and don't give any real information about yourself. And, I suggest that you wait several hours or even a day before returning any call (unless its a genuine emergency.) RE other abusive or manipulative behaviors: *If she becomes accusatory, tries to pick a fight, tries to force you to talk about a topic you do not wish to discuss, or tries to force you to defend yourself... Then you cut the call short, politely. " Sorry, mom, but I'm not going to discuss that with you. (or I'm sorry, mom, but that's private.) Is there something else you wanted to talk with me about? If not, then there are some things I need to take care of now. Talk to you later; 'bye. " *If she becomes pitiful, weeps, whines, wheedles... Then you say something like, " I can hear that you are upset now. We can talk about this later when you're not upset. I'm going to go now, I'm hanging up now. We'll talk again later. 'bye. " *If she becomes enraged and starts calling you names, reviling and insulting you (reviling your spouse, your kids, etc.)... Then you cut the call short by saying something like " I'm not going to listen to you when you call me names, mom. That's not OK. If you want to discuss something with me I need you to be calm. So, I'm hanging up the phone now. Talk to you later. 'bye. " So its about your relationship with your mother evolving; its about you dealing with your bpd mom as an equal, as one adult to another, not as a child wanting and needing her mommy. Just my two cent's worth, to take or leave as it suits you. -Annie > > The hoovering has begun! First voicemail is- " I hope you're feeling better! " > > *gag* > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 9, 2011 Report Share Posted January 9, 2011 This is after her abusive treatment of you over the holidays, if I remember correctly. Perhaps use this as an opportunity to begin gently detaching emotionally from your mother: to become more neutral emotionally in your feelings toward her, while remaining polite and kind; to let go of your need for her approval and validation. I am no longer in any contact with my Cluster B mom aka my nada, but each of us has a unique situation. Some of us can remain in contact with our bpd parent(s) but with boundaries in place. Its a very individual choice, contact or no contact. My nada's two main styles of communicating with me were either to talk endlessly about herself, or engage in something I call " the interrogation. " She'd just fire one question after another at me. That's not a conversation, and I found it unpleasant. When I was still in contact with her, I found it easier to get her talking about herself and just say " uh-huh " once in a while. So, if your mother does try to initiate an " interrogation " , I suggest you deflect it or mirror it back to her by not answering her questions but instead asking your own: get her to talk about herself and don't give any real information about yourself. And, I suggest that you wait several hours or even a day before returning any call (unless its a genuine emergency.) RE other abusive or manipulative behaviors: *If she becomes accusatory, tries to pick a fight, tries to force you to talk about a topic you do not wish to discuss, or tries to force you to defend yourself... Then you cut the call short, politely. " Sorry, mom, but I'm not going to discuss that with you. (or I'm sorry, mom, but that's private.) Is there something else you wanted to talk with me about? If not, then there are some things I need to take care of now. Talk to you later; 'bye. " *If she becomes pitiful, weeps, whines, wheedles... Then you say something like, " I can hear that you are upset now. We can talk about this later when you're not upset. I'm going to go now, I'm hanging up now. We'll talk again later. 'bye. " *If she becomes enraged and starts calling you names, reviling and insulting you (reviling your spouse, your kids, etc.)... Then you cut the call short by saying something like " I'm not going to listen to you when you call me names, mom. That's not OK. If you want to discuss something with me I need you to be calm. So, I'm hanging up the phone now. Talk to you later. 'bye. " So its about your relationship with your mother evolving; its about you dealing with your bpd mom as an equal, as one adult to another, not as a child wanting and needing her mommy. Just my two cent's worth, to take or leave as it suits you. -Annie > > The hoovering has begun! First voicemail is- " I hope you're feeling better! " > > *gag* > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 9, 2011 Report Share Posted January 9, 2011 This is after her abusive treatment of you over the holidays, if I remember correctly. Perhaps use this as an opportunity to begin gently detaching emotionally from your mother: to become more neutral emotionally in your feelings toward her, while remaining polite and kind; to let go of your need for her approval and validation. I am no longer in any contact with my Cluster B mom aka my nada, but each of us has a unique situation. Some of us can remain in contact with our bpd parent(s) but with boundaries in place. Its a very individual choice, contact or no contact. My nada's two main styles of communicating with me were either to talk endlessly about herself, or engage in something I call " the interrogation. " She'd just fire one question after another at me. That's not a conversation, and I found it unpleasant. When I was still in contact with her, I found it easier to get her talking about herself and just say " uh-huh " once in a while. So, if your mother does try to initiate an " interrogation " , I suggest you deflect it or mirror it back to her by not answering her questions but instead asking your own: get her to talk about herself and don't give any real information about yourself. And, I suggest that you wait several hours or even a day before returning any call (unless its a genuine emergency.) RE other abusive or manipulative behaviors: *If she becomes accusatory, tries to pick a fight, tries to force you to talk about a topic you do not wish to discuss, or tries to force you to defend yourself... Then you cut the call short, politely. " Sorry, mom, but I'm not going to discuss that with you. (or I'm sorry, mom, but that's private.) Is there something else you wanted to talk with me about? If not, then there are some things I need to take care of now. Talk to you later; 'bye. " *If she becomes pitiful, weeps, whines, wheedles... Then you say something like, " I can hear that you are upset now. We can talk about this later when you're not upset. I'm going to go now, I'm hanging up now. We'll talk again later. 'bye. " *If she becomes enraged and starts calling you names, reviling and insulting you (reviling your spouse, your kids, etc.)... Then you cut the call short by saying something like " I'm not going to listen to you when you call me names, mom. That's not OK. If you want to discuss something with me I need you to be calm. So, I'm hanging up the phone now. Talk to you later. 'bye. " So its about your relationship with your mother evolving; its about you dealing with your bpd mom as an equal, as one adult to another, not as a child wanting and needing her mommy. Just my two cent's worth, to take or leave as it suits you. -Annie > > The hoovering has begun! First voicemail is- " I hope you're feeling better! " > > *gag* > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 10, 2011 Report Share Posted January 10, 2011 Thank you, Annie and to the group for all your support! I cried yesterday, because I want something from my mom that I will never get- approval, validation and an acknowledgement of how she treated me in childhood. Whenever I get hoovered in, I usually forget what I am dealing with. Then I get hit again! It sounds like the definition of insanity! Realizing this is hilarious! I am going to take this nc time to arm myself with knowledge. I am thinking I may even block her numbers for awhile. What an interesting life. Latasha Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 10, 2011 Report Share Posted January 10, 2011 Thank you, Annie and to the group for all your support! I cried yesterday, because I want something from my mom that I will never get- approval, validation and an acknowledgement of how she treated me in childhood. Whenever I get hoovered in, I usually forget what I am dealing with. Then I get hit again! It sounds like the definition of insanity! Realizing this is hilarious! I am going to take this nc time to arm myself with knowledge. I am thinking I may even block her numbers for awhile. What an interesting life. Latasha Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 10, 2011 Report Share Posted January 10, 2011 Thank you, Annie and to the group for all your support! I cried yesterday, because I want something from my mom that I will never get- approval, validation and an acknowledgement of how she treated me in childhood. Whenever I get hoovered in, I usually forget what I am dealing with. Then I get hit again! It sounds like the definition of insanity! Realizing this is hilarious! I am going to take this nc time to arm myself with knowledge. I am thinking I may even block her numbers for awhile. What an interesting life. Latasha Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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