Re: Digging out from under

[Guest guest]

....and I guess I should define my " good relationship " statement to mean that I

didn't realize anything was wrong with it. I thought something was wrong with

me.

>

> I am trying to process through all of this and I just want to know those of

you who realized your parent was BPD later in your adult life AFTER having had

what you thought was a good relationship, processed the loss of that.

>

> My mom and I were never " BFF " , though she presented us as such to all her

friends. There was always a distance in my heart between her and I as a child

and a teen but I always felt guilty for it and never knew why. But she smothered

me with her love and treated me as her friend not her daughter.

>

> I'm realizing now for the first time the extreme idealization followed by

devaluation. And I'm sad. I'm sad that when my mom is being " best mom in the

world, how can I help you darling, I just want to be there for you " that I can't

take that to heart. I have to always be on my gaurd now.

>

> Before I would love it - I would love that finally, she was paying attention

to something besides herself. " Thank goodness, she's finally going to be my

mom " . Only to be hurt when she decided that I was victimizing her and give me

the silent treatment for who knows how long.

>

> Now that I have the information about BPD, I can protect myself from the

roller coaster and not fully embrace her moods. But at the same time I realize I

must distance myself from the " loving wonderful mom " side of her in order not to

get hurt.

>

> That is very sad. And quite frankly I'm having a hard time processing through

it. How did you get to the other side? I know it's different for every person,

but I'd like to hear how you all came out from under the emotional weight of

grieving the loss of what you will never have.

>

[Guest guest]

....and I guess I should define my " good relationship " statement to mean that I

didn't realize anything was wrong with it. I thought something was wrong with

me.

>

> I am trying to process through all of this and I just want to know those of

you who realized your parent was BPD later in your adult life AFTER having had

what you thought was a good relationship, processed the loss of that.

>

> My mom and I were never " BFF " , though she presented us as such to all her

friends. There was always a distance in my heart between her and I as a child

and a teen but I always felt guilty for it and never knew why. But she smothered

me with her love and treated me as her friend not her daughter.

>

> I'm realizing now for the first time the extreme idealization followed by

devaluation. And I'm sad. I'm sad that when my mom is being " best mom in the

world, how can I help you darling, I just want to be there for you " that I can't

take that to heart. I have to always be on my gaurd now.

>

> Before I would love it - I would love that finally, she was paying attention

to something besides herself. " Thank goodness, she's finally going to be my

mom " . Only to be hurt when she decided that I was victimizing her and give me

the silent treatment for who knows how long.

>

> Now that I have the information about BPD, I can protect myself from the

roller coaster and not fully embrace her moods. But at the same time I realize I

must distance myself from the " loving wonderful mom " side of her in order not to

get hurt.

>

> That is very sad. And quite frankly I'm having a hard time processing through

it. How did you get to the other side? I know it's different for every person,

but I'd like to hear how you all came out from under the emotional weight of

grieving the loss of what you will never have.

>

[Guest guest]

Wow, I know EXACTLY what you mean. My relationship to my BPD mother was/is very

similar to what you're describing (almost to the T). It's very confusing, isn't

it? I've been wandering around my home and work for the past 2 weeks like I'm in

shock, and I'm sure you know what I mean. I guess it just takes time to process

this new information. It's especially hard because you look back on your whole

childhood and begin to wonder: did she do that because she loves me or because I

was " all good " and my brother was " all bad " ?

Just know, I totally feel where you're coming from.

> >

> > I am trying to process through all of this and I just want to know those of

you who realized your parent was BPD later in your adult life AFTER having had

what you thought was a good relationship, processed the loss of that.

> >

> > My mom and I were never " BFF " , though she presented us as such to all her

friends. There was always a distance in my heart between her and I as a child

and a teen but I always felt guilty for it and never knew why. But she smothered

me with her love and treated me as her friend not her daughter.

> >

> > I'm realizing now for the first time the extreme idealization followed by

devaluation. And I'm sad. I'm sad that when my mom is being " best mom in the

world, how can I help you darling, I just want to be there for you " that I can't

take that to heart. I have to always be on my gaurd now.

> >

> > Before I would love it - I would love that finally, she was paying attention

to something besides herself. " Thank goodness, she's finally going to be my

mom " . Only to be hurt when she decided that I was victimizing her and give me

the silent treatment for who knows how long.

> >

> > Now that I have the information about BPD, I can protect myself from the

roller coaster and not fully embrace her moods. But at the same time I realize I

must distance myself from the " loving wonderful mom " side of her in order not to

get hurt.

> >

> > That is very sad. And quite frankly I'm having a hard time processing

through it. How did you get to the other side? I know it's different for every

person, but I'd like to hear how you all came out from under the emotional

weight of grieving the loss of what you will never have.

> >

>

[Guest guest]

I am 56 and just got a diagnosis for Fada less than a month ago. I always knew

he was mentally ill even when I was as young as 4 or 5 but I never knew his

illness had a name, and I never knew I had KO comrades in this battle. I didn't

even realize how deep my grief or how angry I was. I moved Fada in with us 17

months ago. He was starving to death and he smelled bad. But after I've had time

to see how much of his helplessness is an act, I'm wondering if he just sat in

his house and felt sorry for himself and just thought he couldn't take care of

himself. I am not through any of the grief or anger. This site helps. Other

folks on here validate me and let me know I am not alone and I also take great

comfort in being able to validate others feelings. I didn't even realize I was

grieving the father I never had until he had one of his hateful episodes in

September, because I was leaving town for training, and instead of taking it I

blew up at him, and told him he was always complaining about being miserable and

that I had a miserable childhood. I was totally and completely vehement and

outraged and I scared him and he tried to laugh and pretend he hadn't said

anything. Later when I was describing what happened one of my friends pointed

out I was grieving the father I never had. I didn't know how angry I was until I

started reading SOWE. It was as if having a diagnosis and having mental health

professionals give me permission to be angry unleashed a torrent of pent up

anger. AT one time I had been able to forgive Fada and come to peace with all

the hurt and disappointment of childhood. I was a happy healthy adult with happy

children and a contented husband. When we moved Fada in he was so mean and

hateful that he made fresh wounds and opened up all the scars I'd worked so hard

to heal. My husband ignores him and still seems happy, my sons don't take him to

heart, but he torments me and tries to make me feel guilty. SOWE and the book

Surviving the Borderline Parent help. I hate it when Fada showers love on me, I

just feel smothered. Even when I was little I hated it. My mother died before I

was three and my aunt raised me so I just spent weekends with Fada and he

visited some evenings which probably helped, but my aunt's husband was a drunk

and she enabled him and Fada. I will deal with this the rest of my life and you

probably will too. If you aren't reading SOWE and Surviving the Borderline

Parent please start. SOWE also has a workbook and I am about halfway through it.

You can rush through the workbook or take your time, but I guarantee you, you

will return to these books again and again. I didn't know how miserable my

childhood was, until I raised my own children. I learned to parent myself,

through the years kids have come home with my kids and I recognized the signs

and took those kids under my wing. My son had a friend who joined the army and

he called me his first Christmas overseas because his nada didn't even send him

a present on Christmas. The sad thing is if Fada is 87 if he had died at 80 or

81 the way a lot of his brothers and sisters had and hadn't moved in, I wouldn't

be experiencing this anger and I wouldn't have a diagnosis. I had totally and

completely forgiven him and even loved him but he moved in and is making my life

a living hell. I did not have the cruelty in my heart to let that old man die of

starvation in his home, but there are days I wish I'd never brought him here.

Actually being a little angry is a little healing. I keep a lot of boundaries

between him and me in my own home. It is a 2 story house and he can't climb

stairs so I go up to my room a lot. I can afford to hire help and I have learned

to educate the help so that he can't manipulate them into making me feel guilty.

It is a long process and I am not ashamed to tell all of you I pray every day

for God to end his life. He is miserable and mean and nasty and he looks for

every opportunity to stay miserable and makes himself miserable on purpose. As I

said a few days ago " he would rather curse the darkness than light a candle. "

I've found some anger is helpful, I find weeping (and I mean real weeping when

I'm alone) is emotionally cleansing. I'm also trying to do some of the " in the

moment therapy " where you stop thinking and worrying and just sort of experience

the sights and sounds around you. Maybe someone else can explain that better. I

love my job and my husband and my kids and I keep huge boundaries between me and

Fada. I am learning not to feel guilty and quite frankly a little anger and

grief go a long way in keeping the guilt away.

Kay

>

> I am trying to process through all of this and I just want to know those of

you who realized your parent was BPD later in your adult life AFTER having had

what you thought was a good relationship, processed the loss of that.

>

> My mom and I were never " BFF " , though she presented us as such to all her

friends. There was always a distance in my heart between her and I as a child

and a teen but I always felt guilty for it and never knew why. But she smothered

me with her love and treated me as her friend not her daughter.

>

> I'm realizing now for the first time the extreme idealization followed by

devaluation. And I'm sad. I'm sad that when my mom is being " best mom in the

world, how can I help you darling, I just want to be there for you " that I can't

take that to heart. I have to always be on my gaurd now.

>

> Before I would love it - I would love that finally, she was paying attention

to something besides herself. " Thank goodness, she's finally going to be my

mom " . Only to be hurt when she decided that I was victimizing her and give me

the silent treatment for who knows how long.

>

> Now that I have the information about BPD, I can protect myself from the

roller coaster and not fully embrace her moods. But at the same time I realize I

must distance myself from the " loving wonderful mom " side of her in order not to

get hurt.

>

> That is very sad. And quite frankly I'm having a hard time processing through

it. How did you get to the other side? I know it's different for every person,

but I'd like to hear how you all came out from under the emotional weight of

grieving the loss of what you will never have.

>

[Guest guest]

I am 56 and just got a diagnosis for Fada less than a month ago. I always knew

he was mentally ill even when I was as young as 4 or 5 but I never knew his

illness had a name, and I never knew I had KO comrades in this battle. I didn't

even realize how deep my grief or how angry I was. I moved Fada in with us 17

months ago. He was starving to death and he smelled bad. But after I've had time

to see how much of his helplessness is an act, I'm wondering if he just sat in

his house and felt sorry for himself and just thought he couldn't take care of

himself. I am not through any of the grief or anger. This site helps. Other

folks on here validate me and let me know I am not alone and I also take great

comfort in being able to validate others feelings. I didn't even realize I was

grieving the father I never had until he had one of his hateful episodes in

September, because I was leaving town for training, and instead of taking it I

blew up at him, and told him he was always complaining about being miserable and

that I had a miserable childhood. I was totally and completely vehement and

outraged and I scared him and he tried to laugh and pretend he hadn't said

anything. Later when I was describing what happened one of my friends pointed

out I was grieving the father I never had. I didn't know how angry I was until I

started reading SOWE. It was as if having a diagnosis and having mental health

professionals give me permission to be angry unleashed a torrent of pent up

anger. AT one time I had been able to forgive Fada and come to peace with all

the hurt and disappointment of childhood. I was a happy healthy adult with happy

children and a contented husband. When we moved Fada in he was so mean and

hateful that he made fresh wounds and opened up all the scars I'd worked so hard

to heal. My husband ignores him and still seems happy, my sons don't take him to

heart, but he torments me and tries to make me feel guilty. SOWE and the book

Surviving the Borderline Parent help. I hate it when Fada showers love on me, I

just feel smothered. Even when I was little I hated it. My mother died before I

was three and my aunt raised me so I just spent weekends with Fada and he

visited some evenings which probably helped, but my aunt's husband was a drunk

and she enabled him and Fada. I will deal with this the rest of my life and you

probably will too. If you aren't reading SOWE and Surviving the Borderline

Parent please start. SOWE also has a workbook and I am about halfway through it.

You can rush through the workbook or take your time, but I guarantee you, you

will return to these books again and again. I didn't know how miserable my

childhood was, until I raised my own children. I learned to parent myself,

through the years kids have come home with my kids and I recognized the signs

and took those kids under my wing. My son had a friend who joined the army and

he called me his first Christmas overseas because his nada didn't even send him

a present on Christmas. The sad thing is if Fada is 87 if he had died at 80 or

81 the way a lot of his brothers and sisters had and hadn't moved in, I wouldn't

be experiencing this anger and I wouldn't have a diagnosis. I had totally and

completely forgiven him and even loved him but he moved in and is making my life

a living hell. I did not have the cruelty in my heart to let that old man die of

starvation in his home, but there are days I wish I'd never brought him here.

Actually being a little angry is a little healing. I keep a lot of boundaries

between him and me in my own home. It is a 2 story house and he can't climb

stairs so I go up to my room a lot. I can afford to hire help and I have learned

to educate the help so that he can't manipulate them into making me feel guilty.

It is a long process and I am not ashamed to tell all of you I pray every day

for God to end his life. He is miserable and mean and nasty and he looks for

every opportunity to stay miserable and makes himself miserable on purpose. As I

said a few days ago " he would rather curse the darkness than light a candle. "

I've found some anger is helpful, I find weeping (and I mean real weeping when

I'm alone) is emotionally cleansing. I'm also trying to do some of the " in the

moment therapy " where you stop thinking and worrying and just sort of experience

the sights and sounds around you. Maybe someone else can explain that better. I

love my job and my husband and my kids and I keep huge boundaries between me and

Fada. I am learning not to feel guilty and quite frankly a little anger and

grief go a long way in keeping the guilt away.

Kay

>

> I am trying to process through all of this and I just want to know those of

you who realized your parent was BPD later in your adult life AFTER having had

what you thought was a good relationship, processed the loss of that.

>

> My mom and I were never " BFF " , though she presented us as such to all her

friends. There was always a distance in my heart between her and I as a child

and a teen but I always felt guilty for it and never knew why. But she smothered

me with her love and treated me as her friend not her daughter.

>

> I'm realizing now for the first time the extreme idealization followed by

devaluation. And I'm sad. I'm sad that when my mom is being " best mom in the

world, how can I help you darling, I just want to be there for you " that I can't

take that to heart. I have to always be on my gaurd now.

>

> Before I would love it - I would love that finally, she was paying attention

to something besides herself. " Thank goodness, she's finally going to be my

mom " . Only to be hurt when she decided that I was victimizing her and give me

the silent treatment for who knows how long.

>

> Now that I have the information about BPD, I can protect myself from the

roller coaster and not fully embrace her moods. But at the same time I realize I

must distance myself from the " loving wonderful mom " side of her in order not to

get hurt.

>

> That is very sad. And quite frankly I'm having a hard time processing through

it. How did you get to the other side? I know it's different for every person,

but I'd like to hear how you all came out from under the emotional weight of

grieving the loss of what you will never have.

>

[Guest guest]

,

It is confusing. And I truly believe my mom wants to BE that loving, nurturing

mom but she cannot control her emotional responses and furthermore, cannot SEE

that her emotions are out of control. In her world, she truly is victimized by

everyone around her.

She is with a " therapist " who I believe is not correctly diagnosing her and is

NOT helping her BPD and may be making it worse. She is not in therapy because

she believes something is wrong with her, she is in therapy to deal with the way

she feels she has been victimized by everyone in her life and to be " empowered " .

So far, it seems she is being empowered to isolate herself from all her family

members.

I grew up being told my father was an abusive monster and I believed that. I

completely distanced myself from " the monster " . My dad has narcissistic traits

but as an adult looking back, I don't believe my dad was the monster my mom made

him to be.

I have a better relationship with him now than I ever thought I would. I am

having to sort back through my old perceptions and look at them in a different

light.

I always felt sorry for my mom that all her friends treated her so badly and she

had a string of " unfaithful " and " abusive " friends but now I realize that she

just didn't know how to have a healthy relationship with others....and ended up

with a graveyard of friends.

Sad. I know I will get through this and learn to see my mom in a new perspective

but its quite a big paradigm shift for me right now. I totally understand the

feeling of shock.

> > >

> > > I am trying to process through all of this and I just want to know those

of you who realized your parent was BPD later in your adult life AFTER having

had what you thought was a good relationship, processed the loss of that.

> > >

> > > My mom and I were never " BFF " , though she presented us as such to all her

friends. There was always a distance in my heart between her and I as a child

and a teen but I always felt guilty for it and never knew why. But she smothered

me with her love and treated me as her friend not her daughter.

> > >

> > > I'm realizing now for the first time the extreme idealization followed by

devaluation. And I'm sad. I'm sad that when my mom is being " best mom in the

world, how can I help you darling, I just want to be there for you " that I can't

take that to heart. I have to always be on my gaurd now.

> > >

> > > Before I would love it - I would love that finally, she was paying

attention to something besides herself. " Thank goodness, she's finally going to

be my mom " . Only to be hurt when she decided that I was victimizing her and give

me the silent treatment for who knows how long.

> > >

> > > Now that I have the information about BPD, I can protect myself from the

roller coaster and not fully embrace her moods. But at the same time I realize I

must distance myself from the " loving wonderful mom " side of her in order not to

get hurt.

> > >

> > > That is very sad. And quite frankly I'm having a hard time processing

through it. How did you get to the other side? I know it's different for every

person, but I'd like to hear how you all came out from under the emotional

weight of grieving the loss of what you will never have.

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

,

It is confusing. And I truly believe my mom wants to BE that loving, nurturing

mom but she cannot control her emotional responses and furthermore, cannot SEE

that her emotions are out of control. In her world, she truly is victimized by

everyone around her.

She is with a " therapist " who I believe is not correctly diagnosing her and is

NOT helping her BPD and may be making it worse. She is not in therapy because

she believes something is wrong with her, she is in therapy to deal with the way

she feels she has been victimized by everyone in her life and to be " empowered " .

So far, it seems she is being empowered to isolate herself from all her family

members.

I grew up being told my father was an abusive monster and I believed that. I

completely distanced myself from " the monster " . My dad has narcissistic traits

but as an adult looking back, I don't believe my dad was the monster my mom made

him to be.

I have a better relationship with him now than I ever thought I would. I am

having to sort back through my old perceptions and look at them in a different

light.

I always felt sorry for my mom that all her friends treated her so badly and she

had a string of " unfaithful " and " abusive " friends but now I realize that she

just didn't know how to have a healthy relationship with others....and ended up

with a graveyard of friends.

Sad. I know I will get through this and learn to see my mom in a new perspective

but its quite a big paradigm shift for me right now. I totally understand the

feeling of shock.

> > >

> > > I am trying to process through all of this and I just want to know those

of you who realized your parent was BPD later in your adult life AFTER having

had what you thought was a good relationship, processed the loss of that.

> > >

> > > My mom and I were never " BFF " , though she presented us as such to all her

friends. There was always a distance in my heart between her and I as a child

and a teen but I always felt guilty for it and never knew why. But she smothered

me with her love and treated me as her friend not her daughter.

> > >

> > > I'm realizing now for the first time the extreme idealization followed by

devaluation. And I'm sad. I'm sad that when my mom is being " best mom in the

world, how can I help you darling, I just want to be there for you " that I can't

take that to heart. I have to always be on my gaurd now.

> > >

> > > Before I would love it - I would love that finally, she was paying

attention to something besides herself. " Thank goodness, she's finally going to

be my mom " . Only to be hurt when she decided that I was victimizing her and give

me the silent treatment for who knows how long.

> > >

> > > Now that I have the information about BPD, I can protect myself from the

roller coaster and not fully embrace her moods. But at the same time I realize I

must distance myself from the " loving wonderful mom " side of her in order not to

get hurt.

> > >

> > > That is very sad. And quite frankly I'm having a hard time processing

through it. How did you get to the other side? I know it's different for every

person, but I'd like to hear how you all came out from under the emotional

weight of grieving the loss of what you will never have.

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

,

It is confusing. And I truly believe my mom wants to BE that loving, nurturing

mom but she cannot control her emotional responses and furthermore, cannot SEE

that her emotions are out of control. In her world, she truly is victimized by

everyone around her.

She is with a " therapist " who I believe is not correctly diagnosing her and is

NOT helping her BPD and may be making it worse. She is not in therapy because

she believes something is wrong with her, she is in therapy to deal with the way

she feels she has been victimized by everyone in her life and to be " empowered " .

So far, it seems she is being empowered to isolate herself from all her family

members.

I grew up being told my father was an abusive monster and I believed that. I

completely distanced myself from " the monster " . My dad has narcissistic traits

but as an adult looking back, I don't believe my dad was the monster my mom made

him to be.

I have a better relationship with him now than I ever thought I would. I am

having to sort back through my old perceptions and look at them in a different

light.

I always felt sorry for my mom that all her friends treated her so badly and she

had a string of " unfaithful " and " abusive " friends but now I realize that she

just didn't know how to have a healthy relationship with others....and ended up

with a graveyard of friends.

Sad. I know I will get through this and learn to see my mom in a new perspective

but its quite a big paradigm shift for me right now. I totally understand the

feeling of shock.

> > >

> > > I am trying to process through all of this and I just want to know those

of you who realized your parent was BPD later in your adult life AFTER having

had what you thought was a good relationship, processed the loss of that.

> > >

> > > My mom and I were never " BFF " , though she presented us as such to all her

friends. There was always a distance in my heart between her and I as a child

and a teen but I always felt guilty for it and never knew why. But she smothered

me with her love and treated me as her friend not her daughter.

> > >

> > > I'm realizing now for the first time the extreme idealization followed by

devaluation. And I'm sad. I'm sad that when my mom is being " best mom in the

world, how can I help you darling, I just want to be there for you " that I can't

take that to heart. I have to always be on my gaurd now.

> > >

> > > Before I would love it - I would love that finally, she was paying

attention to something besides herself. " Thank goodness, she's finally going to

be my mom " . Only to be hurt when she decided that I was victimizing her and give

me the silent treatment for who knows how long.

> > >

> > > Now that I have the information about BPD, I can protect myself from the

roller coaster and not fully embrace her moods. But at the same time I realize I

must distance myself from the " loving wonderful mom " side of her in order not to

get hurt.

> > >

> > > That is very sad. And quite frankly I'm having a hard time processing

through it. How did you get to the other side? I know it's different for every

person, but I'd like to hear how you all came out from under the emotional

weight of grieving the loss of what you will never have.

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Kay - what a truly difficult situation. Thank you for sharing how you are

trying to get through this. I have not gotten to the anger part yet but I know i

will. I know I NEED to.

What a strong lady you are to have set those boundaries with your Fada and keep

some of his toxic ways out of your heart. It still hurts so bad though.

((HUGS))

> >

> > I am trying to process through all of this and I just want to know those of

you who realized your parent was BPD later in your adult life AFTER having had

what you thought was a good relationship, processed the loss of that.

> >

> > My mom and I were never " BFF " , though she presented us as such to all her

friends. There was always a distance in my heart between her and I as a child

and a teen but I always felt guilty for it and never knew why. But she smothered

me with her love and treated me as her friend not her daughter.

> >

> > I'm realizing now for the first time the extreme idealization followed by

devaluation. And I'm sad. I'm sad that when my mom is being " best mom in the

world, how can I help you darling, I just want to be there for you " that I can't

take that to heart. I have to always be on my gaurd now.

> >

> > Before I would love it - I would love that finally, she was paying attention

to something besides herself. " Thank goodness, she's finally going to be my

mom " . Only to be hurt when she decided that I was victimizing her and give me

the silent treatment for who knows how long.

> >

> > Now that I have the information about BPD, I can protect myself from the

roller coaster and not fully embrace her moods. But at the same time I realize I

must distance myself from the " loving wonderful mom " side of her in order not to

get hurt.

> >

> > That is very sad. And quite frankly I'm having a hard time processing

through it. How did you get to the other side? I know it's different for every

person, but I'd like to hear how you all came out from under the emotional

weight of grieving the loss of what you will never have.

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Big sister. I too had this problem which is why I think I held on to Nada for

so many years trying to help her change. I also had her undivided attention and

love when I was being the golden child only to also suffer the silent treatment

and game when I tried to set boundries. For me the crunch finally came when

enough was enough. She gambled away my grand parents house and I couldn't have

her living with us when she was destitute. I finally confronted her that she

needed to get help if she wanted a relationship with me. Of course she refused

to do so. The bad side of her outweighed the good. Her behaviour and

self-destructive ways were effecting my relationship with my husband and

daughter. She absorbed too much of my emotional time.

I had to make the decision to let her go. I think we all have our breaking

points. I have been NC for 11 months now and it is so much easier. I think

time helps and there is a sense of freedom that I have now that I have never

experienced.

Also after learning of BPD I accepted she would not change and it was my

decision whether I stayed in a relatinship with her that was more of a child

need for me.

I began mothering myself and loving myself more. I am a mother to a 9 year old

and I couldn't waste my mothering on Nada.

I can truely say I don't even miss that nice side of Nada. I thnk it is because

I know it was her control over me and wasn't genuine.

Keep posting and hang in there. We are all here for you.

Kazam x

>

> I am trying to process through all of this and I just want to know those of

you who realized your parent was BPD later in your adult life AFTER having had

what you thought was a good relationship, processed the loss of that.

>

> My mom and I were never " BFF " , though she presented us as such to all her

friends. There was always a distance in my heart between her and I as a child

and a teen but I always felt guilty for it and never knew why. But she smothered

me with her love and treated me as her friend not her daughter.

>

> I'm realizing now for the first time the extreme idealization followed by

devaluation. And I'm sad. I'm sad that when my mom is being " best mom in the

world, how can I help you darling, I just want to be there for you " that I can't

take that to heart. I have to always be on my gaurd now.

>

> Before I would love it - I would love that finally, she was paying attention

to something besides herself. " Thank goodness, she's finally going to be my

mom " . Only to be hurt when she decided that I was victimizing her and give me

the silent treatment for who knows how long.

>

> Now that I have the information about BPD, I can protect myself from the

roller coaster and not fully embrace her moods. But at the same time I realize I

must distance myself from the " loving wonderful mom " side of her in order not to

get hurt.

>

> That is very sad. And quite frankly I'm having a hard time processing through

it. How did you get to the other side? I know it's different for every person,

but I'd like to hear how you all came out from under the emotional weight of

grieving the loss of what you will never have.

>

[Guest guest]

Thank you, BigSister, for your kind reply. I gather a lot of strength just from

this website and don't know how I managed without all of you. Another thing I am

struggling with but know I need to get there to heal is: I NEED TO LEARN NOT TO

CARE WHAT OTHER PEOPLE THINK ABOUT ME! I think Doug and some of the more

experienced KOs on the sight could comment, but children of BPs seem to be

inordinately concerned with what other people think about them. Dad was in the

hospital recently (and my husband is a physician on staff there) and it got back

to me that a lot of the aides and orderlies thought I was mean. My friend who

knows nothing of this sight told them, " she is not the wicked witch of the west.

I know her and it's not like that " How bout that for an eyeopener, even nonBP's

who don't have it in their family can recognize the Oz state from the outside

looking in. It has taken a lot of inner strength for me to keep telling myself

" I can not control what others think of me. " I sure want to try. I'm glad my

answer helped a little. Keep reading this site and the books that people

recommend, if you can find a therapist by all means start talking to one. I live

in a very rural area and I'm trying to find one, but I may need to drive an hour

or two away from here to find one.

Thanks again for your prompt reply. I really need the daily connection I find on

this site.

Kay

> > >

> > > I am trying to process through all of this and I just want to know those

of you who realized your parent was BPD later in your adult life AFTER having

had what you thought was a good relationship, processed the loss of that.

> > >

> > > My mom and I were never " BFF " , though she presented us as such to all her

friends. There was always a distance in my heart between her and I as a child

and a teen but I always felt guilty for it and never knew why. But she smothered

me with her love and treated me as her friend not her daughter.

> > >

> > > I'm realizing now for the first time the extreme idealization followed by

devaluation. And I'm sad. I'm sad that when my mom is being " best mom in the

world, how can I help you darling, I just want to be there for you " that I can't

take that to heart. I have to always be on my gaurd now.

> > >

> > > Before I would love it - I would love that finally, she was paying

attention to something besides herself. " Thank goodness, she's finally going to

be my mom " . Only to be hurt when she decided that I was victimizing her and give

me the silent treatment for who knows how long.

> > >

> > > Now that I have the information about BPD, I can protect myself from the

roller coaster and not fully embrace her moods. But at the same time I realize I

must distance myself from the " loving wonderful mom " side of her in order not to

get hurt.

> > >

> > > That is very sad. And quite frankly I'm having a hard time processing

through it. How did you get to the other side? I know it's different for every

person, but I'd like to hear how you all came out from under the emotional

weight of grieving the loss of what you will never have.

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Thank you, BigSister, for your kind reply. I gather a lot of strength just from

this website and don't know how I managed without all of you. Another thing I am

struggling with but know I need to get there to heal is: I NEED TO LEARN NOT TO

CARE WHAT OTHER PEOPLE THINK ABOUT ME! I think Doug and some of the more

experienced KOs on the sight could comment, but children of BPs seem to be

inordinately concerned with what other people think about them. Dad was in the

hospital recently (and my husband is a physician on staff there) and it got back

to me that a lot of the aides and orderlies thought I was mean. My friend who

knows nothing of this sight told them, " she is not the wicked witch of the west.

I know her and it's not like that " How bout that for an eyeopener, even nonBP's

who don't have it in their family can recognize the Oz state from the outside

looking in. It has taken a lot of inner strength for me to keep telling myself

" I can not control what others think of me. " I sure want to try. I'm glad my

answer helped a little. Keep reading this site and the books that people

recommend, if you can find a therapist by all means start talking to one. I live

in a very rural area and I'm trying to find one, but I may need to drive an hour

or two away from here to find one.

Thanks again for your prompt reply. I really need the daily connection I find on

this site.

Kay

> > >

> > > I am trying to process through all of this and I just want to know those

of you who realized your parent was BPD later in your adult life AFTER having

had what you thought was a good relationship, processed the loss of that.

> > >

> > > My mom and I were never " BFF " , though she presented us as such to all her

friends. There was always a distance in my heart between her and I as a child

and a teen but I always felt guilty for it and never knew why. But she smothered

me with her love and treated me as her friend not her daughter.

> > >

> > > I'm realizing now for the first time the extreme idealization followed by

devaluation. And I'm sad. I'm sad that when my mom is being " best mom in the

world, how can I help you darling, I just want to be there for you " that I can't

take that to heart. I have to always be on my gaurd now.

> > >

> > > Before I would love it - I would love that finally, she was paying

attention to something besides herself. " Thank goodness, she's finally going to

be my mom " . Only to be hurt when she decided that I was victimizing her and give

me the silent treatment for who knows how long.

> > >

> > > Now that I have the information about BPD, I can protect myself from the

roller coaster and not fully embrace her moods. But at the same time I realize I

must distance myself from the " loving wonderful mom " side of her in order not to

get hurt.

> > >

> > > That is very sad. And quite frankly I'm having a hard time processing

through it. How did you get to the other side? I know it's different for every

person, but I'd like to hear how you all came out from under the emotional

weight of grieving the loss of what you will never have.

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Kay said: " I NEED TO LEARN NOT TO CARE WHAT OTHER PEOPLE THINK ABOUT

ME! "

Oh boy Kay, I absolutely positively KNOW what you are talking about!!!!

I thought it was just me to be honest! I don't know WHY I am so darn

worried about what other people think.

Tonight I was milling over an incident in my head and thought " I don't think

she likes me " . Even now thinking about it I get a bit of a let down feeling

in my stomach. But I have to counter, like you, with " I cannot control what

others think of me " . And does it really matter what they think? Not

really. The ones who matter most know who we really are, even if they don't

know about Oz.

I think this is something we should discuss more lol. Maybe a new thread?

Mia

>

[Guest guest]

Kay said: " I NEED TO LEARN NOT TO CARE WHAT OTHER PEOPLE THINK ABOUT

ME! "

Oh boy Kay, I absolutely positively KNOW what you are talking about!!!!

I thought it was just me to be honest! I don't know WHY I am so darn

worried about what other people think.

Tonight I was milling over an incident in my head and thought " I don't think

she likes me " . Even now thinking about it I get a bit of a let down feeling

in my stomach. But I have to counter, like you, with " I cannot control what

others think of me " . And does it really matter what they think? Not

really. The ones who matter most know who we really are, even if they don't

know about Oz.

I think this is something we should discuss more lol. Maybe a new thread?

Mia

>