Re: Digging out from under

[Guest guest]

Big sister. I too had this problem which is why I think I held on to Nada for

so many years trying to help her change. I also had her undivided attention and

love when I was being the golden child only to also suffer the silent treatment

and game when I tried to set boundries. For me the crunch finally came when

enough was enough. She gambled away my grand parents house and I couldn't have

her living with us when she was destitute. I finally confronted her that she

needed to get help if she wanted a relationship with me. Of course she refused

to do so. The bad side of her outweighed the good. Her behaviour and

self-destructive ways were effecting my relationship with my husband and

daughter. She absorbed too much of my emotional time.

I had to make the decision to let her go. I think we all have our breaking

points. I have been NC for 11 months now and it is so much easier. I think

time helps and there is a sense of freedom that I have now that I have never

experienced.

Also after learning of BPD I accepted she would not change and it was my

decision whether I stayed in a relatinship with her that was more of a child

need for me.

I began mothering myself and loving myself more. I am a mother to a 9 year old

and I couldn't waste my mothering on Nada.

I can truely say I don't even miss that nice side of Nada. I thnk it is because

I know it was her control over me and wasn't genuine.

Keep posting and hang in there. We are all here for you.

Kazam x

>

> I am trying to process through all of this and I just want to know those of

you who realized your parent was BPD later in your adult life AFTER having had

what you thought was a good relationship, processed the loss of that.

>

> My mom and I were never " BFF " , though she presented us as such to all her

friends. There was always a distance in my heart between her and I as a child

and a teen but I always felt guilty for it and never knew why. But she smothered

me with her love and treated me as her friend not her daughter.

>

> I'm realizing now for the first time the extreme idealization followed by

devaluation. And I'm sad. I'm sad that when my mom is being " best mom in the

world, how can I help you darling, I just want to be there for you " that I can't

take that to heart. I have to always be on my gaurd now.

>

> Before I would love it - I would love that finally, she was paying attention

to something besides herself. " Thank goodness, she's finally going to be my

mom " . Only to be hurt when she decided that I was victimizing her and give me

the silent treatment for who knows how long.

>

> Now that I have the information about BPD, I can protect myself from the

roller coaster and not fully embrace her moods. But at the same time I realize I

must distance myself from the " loving wonderful mom " side of her in order not to

get hurt.

>

> That is very sad. And quite frankly I'm having a hard time processing through

it. How did you get to the other side? I know it's different for every person,

but I'd like to hear how you all came out from under the emotional weight of

grieving the loss of what you will never have.

>