Very good session today

[Guest guest]

I had a really really good and somewhat empowering session with my T today.

I'm not sure why, but something happens to me every fall/winter. From like

October to December I get in a funk. Well, I usually start to snap out

sometime in late January. I'm pleased that I'm snapping out of it sooner.

I feel like maybe because of being down & the enormous pile of stress on my

plate right now that I was reverting back to " old ways " of seeing things...

the way we see things when we were children with our nadas & fadas. I knew

something was going on with ME and that it was no one else's fault. That's

why I asked if we could do an individual session this week too instead of

just the couple's session tomorrow. Like I learned long ago in therapy, I

can't change anyone but myself. So I went in there today & told her I

needed help to figure out how to change my reactions to the things my

fiance's ex pulls.

I also realized a while ago that she was triggering me. And though I know on

some level she is NOT my nada... well, I have a feeling you guys can relate

to how it feels when you're triggered. The good news is, I'm aware of it

and now, I'm going to change it. Here are some random affirmative things I

am going to be doing/saying to myself

* Fiance's ex is not my nada. No matter how much she reminds me of her, she

is not. She is a different unique person.

* I no longer talk to my nada for very good reason. This is good. She is

in my past, not in my present.

* The unfair " rules " that nada put on me that only applied to me were just

that.. unfair. I do not have to live by them

* The past is the past. I can't change it. I can only change myself in the

present.

* If I change how I react to fiance telling me the B.S. with his ex, maybe

it will change the way he reacts to it too.

* If I am upset over anything, I have the absolute right to say " I don't

want to talk about this right now " . I am free to walk away and deal with

whatever emotion I'm dealing with so that I can put it to rest & come back

to my logical & rational self.

* In regards to the one above... I will journal more so that I can help put

whatever painful or unpleasant emotion I'm dealing with to rest. Because

when I let my emotion just kind of " die out " or " have it's say " , I can say

welcome back to logic.

* I will use therapeutic communication techniques that I've learned in

nursing school more often. Practice makes perfect!

* Though bad things happened in the past, I am not forced to keep reliving

them. I don't have to keep doing that.

* Again, though bad things happened in the past, they have shaped me into

who I am today. They will help me be a better nurse in the future.

I do feel much more centered today than I have since all of this whirlwind

health & school garbage started. I don't know if it's because I found out

the surgery is actually going to happen, or if it's because I started the

Cymbalta again... I feel more relaxed, calm and like I said... centered.

Glad that funk is lifting. I have a choice... I don't have to keep going

there and I don't know what's happened/happening to cause me to go there

every stinking fall/winter, but by god, I am going to do my best to let this

be the last time. Next year, I'm going to have fun on my birthday & enjoy

it instead of being sad & angry! (B.day is in the fall). Even if I have to

fake it, it's going to be a nice day. Christmas wasn't that bad this year

because I had told myself I was going to have a nice holiday. Yes at some

points I was so faking it, but hell, it was a nice day.

Anyway, I'm done rambling. I don't know what happened, but yes, I feel less

funky today & more hopeful & empowered. I am very grateful for that.

Mia