Re: Being blamed for BP's blowups?

[Guest guest]

Hi Daisy-

I'm new to this forum too and I know how you feel about being relieved to read

some of the postings. It is so nice to realize that it isn't YOU that is

causing this. We are close to the same age (I'm 28) and it is my mother who has

BP as well. I don't know about you, but through all my teen year and even early

20s I was pretty sure that I was doing something wrong...that I WAS the cause of

her rages. Only recently have I figured this all out (Well, as much as one can

" figure it out " ). I'm glad you found out about BPD as well.

My brother often blames me for my mother's disposition. He will say things

like, " Just leave her alone, don't start arguments. " Although this is different

from your father doing it, I can relate to the feeling. My brother is in denial

that she is BPD he thinks she is just choosing to be this way and that we can

somehow behave in a manner that will stop it. Maybe your father is in denial

too. I mean, no one would want to admit that their wife has a personality

disorder. It seems like maybe your dad kind of WANTS it to be the fault of you

and your brother so that he doesn't have to look deeper. I think sometimes that

is a " man " way of dealing with things. They have to have a reason, and once

they have the reason, that's that. Obviously, I don't know if this is your

case, just what I have observed about men in general.

Do you know if your mother ever rages at your dad without you or your brother

being involved? It seems like she would have to at some point. So, deep down,

maybe your dad DOES realize that she has an issue and (back to the denial)

doesn't want to deal with that.

I'm glad you posted this because I'd love to hear what others have to say. How

can you convince family members to look a little deeper?

Good luck Daisy! I'll be thinking about this one for both of us!

Mandy

>

> First of all, I would like to introduce myself to the forum. I came here on a

doctor's recommendation, and when I saw the other posts it felt like a weight

was lifted off of me, because all of these years I have felt so alone in my

problem.

>

> My name is Daisy; I'm 25 years old, and my mother has BPD.

>

> I just wanted to ask you guys...have any of you ever felt as though one or

more of your other relatives blame YOU for the BP's rages and unhappiness?

>

> My Dad is 10 years older than my mother and he's loved her since she was 15

years old; he has worked for most of mine and my brother's childhood, and he

doesn't really know us very well.

>

> (We also never tried to get close to him, because if we ever even indicated

it, she became extremely upset because she wanted to be the favorite parent.)

>

> Anyway, all that my father wants is for her to be happy, and when she isn't

raging at HIM, he blames my brother and me for her discontent, saying we are

" ungrateful bastards " and that we need to " appreciate our mother. "

>

> It is just very uncomfortable to me because I always to my best to be a nice

person and to make the right decisions, and it causes me a lot of anxiety that

it seems my father won't even try to see things for what they are. I know he

can't disagree with her (any sort of disagreement sets her off) but I feel like

he could at least be more empathetic to us.

>

[Guest guest]

Hi Daisy-

I'm new to this forum too and I know how you feel about being relieved to read

some of the postings. It is so nice to realize that it isn't YOU that is

causing this. We are close to the same age (I'm 28) and it is my mother who has

BP as well. I don't know about you, but through all my teen year and even early

20s I was pretty sure that I was doing something wrong...that I WAS the cause of

her rages. Only recently have I figured this all out (Well, as much as one can

" figure it out " ). I'm glad you found out about BPD as well.

My brother often blames me for my mother's disposition. He will say things

like, " Just leave her alone, don't start arguments. " Although this is different

from your father doing it, I can relate to the feeling. My brother is in denial

that she is BPD he thinks she is just choosing to be this way and that we can

somehow behave in a manner that will stop it. Maybe your father is in denial

too. I mean, no one would want to admit that their wife has a personality

disorder. It seems like maybe your dad kind of WANTS it to be the fault of you

and your brother so that he doesn't have to look deeper. I think sometimes that

is a " man " way of dealing with things. They have to have a reason, and once

they have the reason, that's that. Obviously, I don't know if this is your

case, just what I have observed about men in general.

Do you know if your mother ever rages at your dad without you or your brother

being involved? It seems like she would have to at some point. So, deep down,

maybe your dad DOES realize that she has an issue and (back to the denial)

doesn't want to deal with that.

I'm glad you posted this because I'd love to hear what others have to say. How

can you convince family members to look a little deeper?

Good luck Daisy! I'll be thinking about this one for both of us!

Mandy

>

> First of all, I would like to introduce myself to the forum. I came here on a

doctor's recommendation, and when I saw the other posts it felt like a weight

was lifted off of me, because all of these years I have felt so alone in my

problem.

>

> My name is Daisy; I'm 25 years old, and my mother has BPD.

>

> I just wanted to ask you guys...have any of you ever felt as though one or

more of your other relatives blame YOU for the BP's rages and unhappiness?

>

> My Dad is 10 years older than my mother and he's loved her since she was 15

years old; he has worked for most of mine and my brother's childhood, and he

doesn't really know us very well.

>

> (We also never tried to get close to him, because if we ever even indicated

it, she became extremely upset because she wanted to be the favorite parent.)

>

> Anyway, all that my father wants is for her to be happy, and when she isn't

raging at HIM, he blames my brother and me for her discontent, saying we are

" ungrateful bastards " and that we need to " appreciate our mother. "

>

> It is just very uncomfortable to me because I always to my best to be a nice

person and to make the right decisions, and it causes me a lot of anxiety that

it seems my father won't even try to see things for what they are. I know he

can't disagree with her (any sort of disagreement sets her off) but I feel like

he could at least be more empathetic to us.

>

[Guest guest]

Unfortunately, you can't convince family members--they have to come to their

own conclusions as painful as the wait can be. My brother is stuck in the

FOG (fear, obligation, guilt) and won't see what's wrong. I have a few

relatives who don't really want to accept that my fada (not a dad) is

mentally ill, and think that, oh, once I mature I'll see he was always right

and go right back to him... I've told them what I think, and I've been

ignoring the small guilt trips.

For the major guilt-trips, other people have had good luck with creating

boundaries. Something like, " I want to have a relationship with you still,

but I don't want to talk about how my mom/dad is missing me. " (or something

like that).

It's frustrating. Some relatives will understand, and some won't.

I know others will have more practical advice, too

Holly

>

>

> Hi Daisy-

> I'm new to this forum too and I know how you feel about being relieved to

> read some of the postings. It is so nice to realize that it isn't YOU that

> is causing this. We are close to the same age (I'm 28) and it is my mother

> who has BP as well. I don't know about you, but through all my teen year and

> even early 20s I was pretty sure that I was doing something wrong...that I

> WAS the cause of her rages. Only recently have I figured this all out (Well,

> as much as one can " figure it out " ). I'm glad you found out about BPD as

> well.

>

> My brother often blames me for my mother's disposition. He will say things

> like, " Just leave her alone, don't start arguments. " Although this is

> different from your father doing it, I can relate to the feeling. My brother

> is in denial that she is BPD he thinks she is just choosing to be this way

> and that we can somehow behave in a manner that will stop it. Maybe your

> father is in denial too. I mean, no one would want to admit that their wife

> has a personality disorder. It seems like maybe your dad kind of WANTS it to

> be the fault of you and your brother so that he doesn't have to look deeper.

> I think sometimes that is a " man " way of dealing with things. They have to

> have a reason, and once they have the reason, that's that. Obviously, I

> don't know if this is your case, just what I have observed about men in

> general.

>

> Do you know if your mother ever rages at your dad without you or your

> brother being involved? It seems like she would have to at some point. So,

> deep down, maybe your dad DOES realize that she has an issue and (back to

> the denial) doesn't want to deal with that.

>

> I'm glad you posted this because I'd love to hear what others have to say.

> How can you convince family members to look a little deeper?

>

> Good luck Daisy! I'll be thinking about this one for both of us!

> Mandy

>

>

>

> >

> > First of all, I would like to introduce myself to the forum. I came here

> on a doctor's recommendation, and when I saw the other posts it felt like a

> weight was lifted off of me, because all of these years I have felt so alone

> in my problem.

> >

> > My name is Daisy; I'm 25 years old, and my mother has BPD.

> >

> > I just wanted to ask you guys...have any of you ever felt as though one

> or more of your other relatives blame YOU for the BP's rages and

> unhappiness?

> >

> > My Dad is 10 years older than my mother and he's loved her since she was

> 15 years old; he has worked for most of mine and my brother's childhood, and

> he doesn't really know us very well.

> >

> > (We also never tried to get close to him, because if we ever even

> indicated it, she became extremely upset because she wanted to be the

> favorite parent.)

> >

> > Anyway, all that my father wants is for her to be happy, and when she

> isn't raging at HIM, he blames my brother and me for her discontent, saying

> we are " ungrateful bastards " and that we need to " appreciate our mother. "

> >

> > It is just very uncomfortable to me because I always to my best to be a

> nice person and to make the right decisions, and it causes me a lot of

> anxiety that it seems my father won't even try to see things for what they

> are. I know he can't disagree with her (any sort of disagreement sets her

> off) but I feel like he could at least be more empathetic to us.

> >

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Unfortunately, you can't convince family members--they have to come to their

own conclusions as painful as the wait can be. My brother is stuck in the

FOG (fear, obligation, guilt) and won't see what's wrong. I have a few

relatives who don't really want to accept that my fada (not a dad) is

mentally ill, and think that, oh, once I mature I'll see he was always right

and go right back to him... I've told them what I think, and I've been

ignoring the small guilt trips.

For the major guilt-trips, other people have had good luck with creating

boundaries. Something like, " I want to have a relationship with you still,

but I don't want to talk about how my mom/dad is missing me. " (or something

like that).

It's frustrating. Some relatives will understand, and some won't.

I know others will have more practical advice, too

Holly

>

>

> Hi Daisy-

> I'm new to this forum too and I know how you feel about being relieved to

> read some of the postings. It is so nice to realize that it isn't YOU that

> is causing this. We are close to the same age (I'm 28) and it is my mother

> who has BP as well. I don't know about you, but through all my teen year and

> even early 20s I was pretty sure that I was doing something wrong...that I

> WAS the cause of her rages. Only recently have I figured this all out (Well,

> as much as one can " figure it out " ). I'm glad you found out about BPD as

> well.

>

> My brother often blames me for my mother's disposition. He will say things

> like, " Just leave her alone, don't start arguments. " Although this is

> different from your father doing it, I can relate to the feeling. My brother

> is in denial that she is BPD he thinks she is just choosing to be this way

> and that we can somehow behave in a manner that will stop it. Maybe your

> father is in denial too. I mean, no one would want to admit that their wife

> has a personality disorder. It seems like maybe your dad kind of WANTS it to

> be the fault of you and your brother so that he doesn't have to look deeper.

> I think sometimes that is a " man " way of dealing with things. They have to

> have a reason, and once they have the reason, that's that. Obviously, I

> don't know if this is your case, just what I have observed about men in

> general.

>

> Do you know if your mother ever rages at your dad without you or your

> brother being involved? It seems like she would have to at some point. So,

> deep down, maybe your dad DOES realize that she has an issue and (back to

> the denial) doesn't want to deal with that.

>

> I'm glad you posted this because I'd love to hear what others have to say.

> How can you convince family members to look a little deeper?

>

> Good luck Daisy! I'll be thinking about this one for both of us!

> Mandy

>

>

>

> >

> > First of all, I would like to introduce myself to the forum. I came here

> on a doctor's recommendation, and when I saw the other posts it felt like a

> weight was lifted off of me, because all of these years I have felt so alone

> in my problem.

> >

> > My name is Daisy; I'm 25 years old, and my mother has BPD.

> >

> > I just wanted to ask you guys...have any of you ever felt as though one

> or more of your other relatives blame YOU for the BP's rages and

> unhappiness?

> >

> > My Dad is 10 years older than my mother and he's loved her since she was

> 15 years old; he has worked for most of mine and my brother's childhood, and

> he doesn't really know us very well.

> >

> > (We also never tried to get close to him, because if we ever even

> indicated it, she became extremely upset because she wanted to be the

> favorite parent.)

> >

> > Anyway, all that my father wants is for her to be happy, and when she

> isn't raging at HIM, he blames my brother and me for her discontent, saying

> we are " ungrateful bastards " and that we need to " appreciate our mother. "

> >

> > It is just very uncomfortable to me because I always to my best to be a

> nice person and to make the right decisions, and it causes me a lot of

> anxiety that it seems my father won't even try to see things for what they

> are. I know he can't disagree with her (any sort of disagreement sets her

> off) but I feel like he could at least be more empathetic to us.

> >

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Unfortunately, you can't convince family members--they have to come to their

own conclusions as painful as the wait can be. My brother is stuck in the

FOG (fear, obligation, guilt) and won't see what's wrong. I have a few

relatives who don't really want to accept that my fada (not a dad) is

mentally ill, and think that, oh, once I mature I'll see he was always right

and go right back to him... I've told them what I think, and I've been

ignoring the small guilt trips.

For the major guilt-trips, other people have had good luck with creating

boundaries. Something like, " I want to have a relationship with you still,

but I don't want to talk about how my mom/dad is missing me. " (or something

like that).

It's frustrating. Some relatives will understand, and some won't.

I know others will have more practical advice, too

Holly

>

>

> Hi Daisy-

> I'm new to this forum too and I know how you feel about being relieved to

> read some of the postings. It is so nice to realize that it isn't YOU that

> is causing this. We are close to the same age (I'm 28) and it is my mother

> who has BP as well. I don't know about you, but through all my teen year and

> even early 20s I was pretty sure that I was doing something wrong...that I

> WAS the cause of her rages. Only recently have I figured this all out (Well,

> as much as one can " figure it out " ). I'm glad you found out about BPD as

> well.

>

> My brother often blames me for my mother's disposition. He will say things

> like, " Just leave her alone, don't start arguments. " Although this is

> different from your father doing it, I can relate to the feeling. My brother

> is in denial that she is BPD he thinks she is just choosing to be this way

> and that we can somehow behave in a manner that will stop it. Maybe your

> father is in denial too. I mean, no one would want to admit that their wife

> has a personality disorder. It seems like maybe your dad kind of WANTS it to

> be the fault of you and your brother so that he doesn't have to look deeper.

> I think sometimes that is a " man " way of dealing with things. They have to

> have a reason, and once they have the reason, that's that. Obviously, I

> don't know if this is your case, just what I have observed about men in

> general.

>

> Do you know if your mother ever rages at your dad without you or your

> brother being involved? It seems like she would have to at some point. So,

> deep down, maybe your dad DOES realize that she has an issue and (back to

> the denial) doesn't want to deal with that.

>

> I'm glad you posted this because I'd love to hear what others have to say.

> How can you convince family members to look a little deeper?

>

> Good luck Daisy! I'll be thinking about this one for both of us!

> Mandy

>

>

>

> >

> > First of all, I would like to introduce myself to the forum. I came here

> on a doctor's recommendation, and when I saw the other posts it felt like a

> weight was lifted off of me, because all of these years I have felt so alone

> in my problem.

> >

> > My name is Daisy; I'm 25 years old, and my mother has BPD.

> >

> > I just wanted to ask you guys...have any of you ever felt as though one

> or more of your other relatives blame YOU for the BP's rages and

> unhappiness?

> >

> > My Dad is 10 years older than my mother and he's loved her since she was

> 15 years old; he has worked for most of mine and my brother's childhood, and

> he doesn't really know us very well.

> >

> > (We also never tried to get close to him, because if we ever even

> indicated it, she became extremely upset because she wanted to be the

> favorite parent.)

> >

> > Anyway, all that my father wants is for her to be happy, and when she

> isn't raging at HIM, he blames my brother and me for her discontent, saying

> we are " ungrateful bastards " and that we need to " appreciate our mother. "

> >

> > It is just very uncomfortable to me because I always to my best to be a

> nice person and to make the right decisions, and it causes me a lot of

> anxiety that it seems my father won't even try to see things for what they

> are. I know he can't disagree with her (any sort of disagreement sets her

> off) but I feel like he could at least be more empathetic to us.

> >

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Hi Daisy & welcome.

It sounds like your father is trapped in the FOG. (Fear obligation & guilt)

and is pushing it onto you, as if you don't get enough of it from her all

ready.

You're not responsible for anyone but you. Your mom is responsible for her

behavior and how she reacts to others. Your dad responsible for himself &

so on.

Yes, though, I have often felt like my family blames me for my nada's

unhappiness. I think sometimes as KOs (Kids of) we end up with that " black

sheep syndrome " . I know at least I have some of that going on with me.

I hop you find this group to be helpful. I find it really helpful.

Mia

On Tue, Jan 4, 2011 at 4:13 PM, missdaisy229

wrote:

>

>

> First of all, I would like to introduce myself to the forum. I came here on

> a doctor's recommendation, and when I saw the other posts it felt like a

> weight was lifted off of me, because all of these years I have felt so alone

> in my problem.

>

> My name is Daisy; I'm 25 years old, and my mother has BPD.

>

> I just wanted to ask you guys...have any of you ever felt as though one or

> more of your other relatives blame YOU for the BP's rages and unhappiness?

>

> My Dad is 10 years older than my mother and he's loved her since she was 15

> years old; he has worked for most of mine and my brother's childhood, and he

> doesn't really know us very well.

>

> (We also never tried to get close to him, because if we ever even indicated

> it, she became extremely upset because she wanted to be the favorite

> parent.)

>

> Anyway, all that my father wants is for her to be happy, and when she isn't

> raging at HIM, he blames my brother and me for her discontent, saying we are

> " ungrateful bastards " and that we need to " appreciate our mother. "

>

> It is just very uncomfortable to me because I always to my best to be a

> nice person and to make the right decisions, and it causes me a lot of

> anxiety that it seems my father won't even try to see things for what they

> are. I know he can't disagree with her (any sort of disagreement sets her

> off) but I feel like he could at least be more empathetic to us.

>

>

>