The girly girl thing

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I started a new thread because it seemed right & because others thought

maybe it should be in a new one too.

I had commented about how when I was little my nada put me in dresses & I

would romp with the boys in the neighborhood. Finally, I got some pants.

I think I've always been a tom boy. Part of me wants to buy pretty thngs,

but like I said in that other post I feel really bizzare wearing them! As

it is, I'm chubby, short and find myself completely hideous. My ex husband

used to tell me that he thought I was that way because of nada. I do

remember her telling me things like " that's really ugly when you behave that

way " or " you're being ugly " . I also remember her picking on me about my

weight as a kid. Weird thing is, when I got to high school (which was 8th

through 12th grades where I lived), I wanted to join track with some

friends. Nada refused. She also said I couldn't go to any dances or any

school events until I was in 9th grade. I was so upset because all of my

friends were going & doing things but I wasn't allowed.

Sometimes I would walk to the track after school with my friends on the

team. The coach was a really nice guy & had a great sense of humor. He

would look at me and say " You know, short people like you make awesome

distance runners! You should join track! " I wanted to so bad, so finally

one day when he made a comment about me joining, I told him about the way my

nada was. He said, " Ask your nada if you can attend practices & meets as a

timer. I'll give you a stop watch. "

I asked her, and she said " absolutely not " . But I was kind of relentless.

I kept asking and getting into trouble for asking. Finally one day I said

" I'm going to ask one last time " and low & behold she finally said " FINE!

But you're NOT joining track until you're in 9th grade! "

I was so excited! And guess what? I only timed for track meets... i was

actually running & practicing with the team at practices lol. So yes, in

9th grade I did join. And shortly after even just practicing I started to

slim down a lot.

Even then, I was still " fat " in her eyes. I was a size 6 to 8. She

constantly told me I needed to run more because I was just not thin enough.

She would compare me to a beautiful tall & thin friend of mine who was on

the track team and told me I needed to try & look more like her. She was a

very down to earth girl and also dressed in jeans & comfortable things when

at school but she was drop dead gorgeous.

Maybe that's why I feel so strongly that I'm ugly. I really really mean it

when I say that folks. I don't say it fishing for compliments, I say it

because I believe it's true. It makes me feely REALLY awkward when someone

tells me I look nice, or that I'm pretty or beautiful. I mean really makes

me feel bad.

I also have a hard time looking at myself in the mirror to put on makeup or

fix my hair. I usually just put it in a ponytail (hey, works for most

nursing students lol) and often go without makeup, even though I do feel

slightly better about myself when I do put on makeup.

I have big time self image issues. But the weird thing is, I'm pretty

comfortable & happy with who I am inside. I'm ok with my personality, etc.

I just can't stand the way that I look.

I feel like I look like a man and then, at clnical one month... a client

asked me, " Boy? Girl? " I didn't know what he was asking and I was helping a

nurse's aid. I just smiled at him and then he looked at her & asked the

same thing. She said, " No no, that's Mia, she's a girl. " I just blew it

off but part of me was really hurt by that. The next month, at a different

clinical site I had yet ANOTHER client ask me the same thing! I was helping

her out of her wheel chair into bed and I introduced myself... " Hi Mrs. XXX.

My name is Mia & I'm a nursing student. I'm going to help you back into

bed. Is that ok? " Granted, my real name is not Mia, but my real name is

not a name that could be mistaken for a man's either. She looked at me,

squinted & said " Are you a man? " I just smiled & said, " Nope, I'm a woman.

Did you need some help getting back into bed? "

I told my friends about it both times, and since we do most of our clinicals

in long term care facilities (nursing homes) they laughed it off & said

" Well you know a lot of the folks here are really old, deaf & blind " . But I

will not lie... that just killed me a little bit each time it happened. And

what makes it worse is that I DO actually put on some makeup for

clinicals!!! It's very light and it has to be... nursing school is strict

on that. But obviously I can't fix my hair, it has to be up in a ponly tail

or off the collar.

Anyway... yeah. I have major issues with that and I hate it. I wish I could

just buy prettier clothes & wear them, but they look so wrong on me. I'm

also all about comfort, and like to be comfey! And I do admit, I loathe

the color pink. But other colors are ok.

Damn am I screwed up or what? I feel really awkward even posting this.

Mia