Guest guest Posted September 1, 2010 Report Share Posted September 1, 2010 Joe - How much longer until you finish school? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 1, 2010 Report Share Posted September 1, 2010 Do you think your therapist meant that " taking a stand " is to decide if you will be NC or not? That is kind of how I interpret it. I am mostly NC but get together for 1-3 large family events so the kids can see their cousins, etc. I find that ANY contact with nada, she takes as everything being all better and wants to see us more, writes emails, asks us to meet them. So I have found that the less I contact her or respond, the better. Sorry if I am repeating this, but I think of seeing nada to be like giving an alcholic one little drink and then she can't stop, she has to have more until she has consumed me. It is similar to the idea that nada will be miserable with or without you, so you might as well save yourself instead of letting her take you down with her. This helped me feel much less guilty about my decisions. I think I would have your therapist elaborate and explore your NC/LC decision with you more. I worked into NC over time and still get together at times when I want to. Some here have even resumed contact when they feel strong enough to keep boundaries and a lot can depend on what level of bpd your nada is. I would suggest giving yourself the time you need. Nada's have pressured us every step of the way our whole lives. This decision is all yours and you need to do what is best for you, when it's best for you. My experience is that nadas get worse for awhile when you cut off contact more until they see that their shinanigans to pull you back in aren't working anymore. Setting boundaries with nada can take some practice. My nada turned to stalking for about a year and I considered a restraining order at one point. Read up on the SWOES books, etc and prepare yourself. patinage Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 1, 2010 Report Share Posted September 1, 2010 I'm curious as to what your therapist really means by being more assertive. I know I've been told I was pretty assertive about going NC...and I never made any kind of statement to nada (or really, anyone) about it. I just up and did it and severed all ties, including changing churches (not religions, just a different parish) so as to avoid all common communities with her. I blocked all her email addresses (and her husband's), and gave her (and her husband) their own designated ringtone on my cell phone (Cruella DeVil, from Disney's 101 Dalmations...I thought it fitting...) I stopped opening mail from her and when family members tried to triangulate and carry messages between us I refused to participate. I also didn't discuss it with any of our common people because I didn't want to start any triangulation myself. I guess I think you can be pretty darn assertive about it without actually engaging in any confrontation. Ninera > > > The longer I'm with him the nastier Nada becomes. > I haven't spoken to her > > in 2 months. She calls and I just don't answer. I want > to go NC now. I > > finally want to cut all ties and let her go. My > therapist is telling me I am > > being avoidant and that if I'm truly going NC I need > to be assertive about > > it. I'm not really sure what if anything I should do. > I know the fury I will > > be met with if I tell her anything and I know that she > won't hear anything I > > have to say. I also know that if I don't make it clear > she will continue to > > guilt me into speaking to her eventually. > > > > > > Do you think that " taking a stand " so to speak is > a good way to go NC? If > > you didn't tell your individual with BPD that you were > going NC how do you > > deal with the attempts to contact and the flying > monkies? > > > > > > Sorry for the long post. > > > Thanks in advance for any thoughts > > > Riah > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 1, 2010 Report Share Posted September 1, 2010 I like your Cruella DeVil ringtone. Speaking of ringtones, I use " rosemary's baby " for a personal ringtone for my nada for no other reason than I think that song is really freaky. Not a big fan of the movie, but that song gives me the chills, and I when I hear it reminds me DANGER! Do not answer! I even put " Do Not Answer " instead of her name. I used to have like a horn of some kind for her, but the lalalala sounds much better in public. LB > > I'm curious as to what your therapist really means by being more assertive. > > I know I've been told I was pretty assertive about going NC...and I never made any kind of statement to nada (or really, anyone) about it. I just up and did it and severed all ties, including changing churches (not religions, just a different parish) so as to avoid all common communities with her. I blocked all her email addresses (and her husband's), and gave her (and her husband) their own designated ringtone on my cell phone (Cruella DeVil, from Disney's 101 Dalmations...I thought it fitting...) > > I stopped opening mail from her and when family members tried to triangulate and carry messages between us I refused to participate. I also didn't discuss it with any of our common people because I didn't want to start any triangulation myself. > > I guess I think you can be pretty darn assertive about it without actually engaging in any confrontation. > > Ninera > > > > > > The longer I'm with him the nastier Nada becomes. > > I haven't spoken to her > > > in 2 months. She calls and I just don't answer. I want > > to go NC now. I > > > finally want to cut all ties and let her go. My > > therapist is telling me I am > > > being avoidant and that if I'm truly going NC I need > > to be assertive about > > > it. I'm not really sure what if anything I should do. > > I know the fury I will > > > be met with if I tell her anything and I know that she > > won't hear anything I > > > have to say. I also know that if I don't make it clear > > she will continue to > > > guilt me into speaking to her eventually. > > > > > > > > Do you think that " taking a stand " so to speak is > > a good way to go NC? If > > > you didn't tell your individual with BPD that you were > > going NC how do you > > > deal with the attempts to contact and the flying > > monkies? > > > > > > > > Sorry for the long post. > > > > Thanks in advance for any thoughts > > > > Riah > > > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 1, 2010 Report Share Posted September 1, 2010 I like your Cruella DeVil ringtone. Speaking of ringtones, I use " rosemary's baby " for a personal ringtone for my nada for no other reason than I think that song is really freaky. Not a big fan of the movie, but that song gives me the chills, and I when I hear it reminds me DANGER! Do not answer! I even put " Do Not Answer " instead of her name. I used to have like a horn of some kind for her, but the lalalala sounds much better in public. LB > > I'm curious as to what your therapist really means by being more assertive. > > I know I've been told I was pretty assertive about going NC...and I never made any kind of statement to nada (or really, anyone) about it. I just up and did it and severed all ties, including changing churches (not religions, just a different parish) so as to avoid all common communities with her. I blocked all her email addresses (and her husband's), and gave her (and her husband) their own designated ringtone on my cell phone (Cruella DeVil, from Disney's 101 Dalmations...I thought it fitting...) > > I stopped opening mail from her and when family members tried to triangulate and carry messages between us I refused to participate. I also didn't discuss it with any of our common people because I didn't want to start any triangulation myself. > > I guess I think you can be pretty darn assertive about it without actually engaging in any confrontation. > > Ninera > > > > > > The longer I'm with him the nastier Nada becomes. > > I haven't spoken to her > > > in 2 months. She calls and I just don't answer. I want > > to go NC now. I > > > finally want to cut all ties and let her go. My > > therapist is telling me I am > > > being avoidant and that if I'm truly going NC I need > > to be assertive about > > > it. I'm not really sure what if anything I should do. > > I know the fury I will > > > be met with if I tell her anything and I know that she > > won't hear anything I > > > have to say. I also know that if I don't make it clear > > she will continue to > > > guilt me into speaking to her eventually. > > > > > > > > Do you think that " taking a stand " so to speak is > > a good way to go NC? If > > > you didn't tell your individual with BPD that you were > > going NC how do you > > > deal with the attempts to contact and the flying > > monkies? > > > > > > > > Sorry for the long post. > > > > Thanks in advance for any thoughts > > > > Riah > > > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 1, 2010 Report Share Posted September 1, 2010 I like your Cruella DeVil ringtone. Speaking of ringtones, I use " rosemary's baby " for a personal ringtone for my nada for no other reason than I think that song is really freaky. Not a big fan of the movie, but that song gives me the chills, and I when I hear it reminds me DANGER! Do not answer! I even put " Do Not Answer " instead of her name. I used to have like a horn of some kind for her, but the lalalala sounds much better in public. LB > > I'm curious as to what your therapist really means by being more assertive. > > I know I've been told I was pretty assertive about going NC...and I never made any kind of statement to nada (or really, anyone) about it. I just up and did it and severed all ties, including changing churches (not religions, just a different parish) so as to avoid all common communities with her. I blocked all her email addresses (and her husband's), and gave her (and her husband) their own designated ringtone on my cell phone (Cruella DeVil, from Disney's 101 Dalmations...I thought it fitting...) > > I stopped opening mail from her and when family members tried to triangulate and carry messages between us I refused to participate. I also didn't discuss it with any of our common people because I didn't want to start any triangulation myself. > > I guess I think you can be pretty darn assertive about it without actually engaging in any confrontation. > > Ninera > > > > > > The longer I'm with him the nastier Nada becomes. > > I haven't spoken to her > > > in 2 months. She calls and I just don't answer. I want > > to go NC now. I > > > finally want to cut all ties and let her go. My > > therapist is telling me I am > > > being avoidant and that if I'm truly going NC I need > > to be assertive about > > > it. I'm not really sure what if anything I should do. > > I know the fury I will > > > be met with if I tell her anything and I know that she > > won't hear anything I > > > have to say. I also know that if I don't make it clear > > she will continue to > > > guilt me into speaking to her eventually. > > > > > > > > Do you think that " taking a stand " so to speak is > > a good way to go NC? If > > > you didn't tell your individual with BPD that you were > > going NC how do you > > > deal with the attempts to contact and the flying > > monkies? > > > > > > > > Sorry for the long post. > > > > Thanks in advance for any thoughts > > > > Riah > > > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 1, 2010 Report Share Posted September 1, 2010 For Patinage--I often have likened BPD to alcoholism as well; I feel that nada *needs* to harm me, craves it, the same way an alcoholic craves a drink. But I am the black sheep--she might need to worship the golden child in the same way, I'm not sure. --Charlie > > Do you think your therapist meant that " taking a stand " is to decide if you will be NC or not? That is kind of how I interpret it. I am mostly NC but get together for 1-3 large family events so the kids can see their cousins, etc. I find that ANY contact with nada, she takes as everything being all better and wants to see us more, writes emails, asks us to meet them. So I have found that the less I contact her or respond, the better. > > Sorry if I am repeating this, but I think of seeing nada to be like giving an alcholic one little drink and then she can't stop, she has to have more until she has consumed me. It is similar to the idea that nada will be miserable with or without you, so you might as well save yourself instead of letting her take you down with her. This helped me feel much less guilty about my decisions. > > I think I would have your therapist elaborate and explore your NC/LC decision with you more. I worked into NC over time and still get together at times when I want to. Some here have even resumed contact when they feel strong enough to keep boundaries and a lot can depend on what level of bpd your nada is. I would suggest giving yourself the time you need. Nada's have pressured us every step of the way our whole lives. This decision is all yours and you need to do what is best for you, when it's best for you. My experience is that nadas get worse for awhile when you cut off contact more until they see that their shinanigans to pull you back in aren't working anymore. > > Setting boundaries with nada can take some practice. My nada turned to stalking for about a year and I considered a restraining order at one point. Read up on the SWOES books, etc and prepare yourself. > > patinage > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 1, 2010 Report Share Posted September 1, 2010 For Patinage--I often have likened BPD to alcoholism as well; I feel that nada *needs* to harm me, craves it, the same way an alcoholic craves a drink. But I am the black sheep--she might need to worship the golden child in the same way, I'm not sure. --Charlie > > Do you think your therapist meant that " taking a stand " is to decide if you will be NC or not? That is kind of how I interpret it. I am mostly NC but get together for 1-3 large family events so the kids can see their cousins, etc. I find that ANY contact with nada, she takes as everything being all better and wants to see us more, writes emails, asks us to meet them. So I have found that the less I contact her or respond, the better. > > Sorry if I am repeating this, but I think of seeing nada to be like giving an alcholic one little drink and then she can't stop, she has to have more until she has consumed me. It is similar to the idea that nada will be miserable with or without you, so you might as well save yourself instead of letting her take you down with her. This helped me feel much less guilty about my decisions. > > I think I would have your therapist elaborate and explore your NC/LC decision with you more. I worked into NC over time and still get together at times when I want to. Some here have even resumed contact when they feel strong enough to keep boundaries and a lot can depend on what level of bpd your nada is. I would suggest giving yourself the time you need. Nada's have pressured us every step of the way our whole lives. This decision is all yours and you need to do what is best for you, when it's best for you. My experience is that nadas get worse for awhile when you cut off contact more until they see that their shinanigans to pull you back in aren't working anymore. > > Setting boundaries with nada can take some practice. My nada turned to stalking for about a year and I considered a restraining order at one point. Read up on the SWOES books, etc and prepare yourself. > > patinage > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 1, 2010 Report Share Posted September 1, 2010 For Patinage--I often have likened BPD to alcoholism as well; I feel that nada *needs* to harm me, craves it, the same way an alcoholic craves a drink. But I am the black sheep--she might need to worship the golden child in the same way, I'm not sure. --Charlie > > Do you think your therapist meant that " taking a stand " is to decide if you will be NC or not? That is kind of how I interpret it. I am mostly NC but get together for 1-3 large family events so the kids can see their cousins, etc. I find that ANY contact with nada, she takes as everything being all better and wants to see us more, writes emails, asks us to meet them. So I have found that the less I contact her or respond, the better. > > Sorry if I am repeating this, but I think of seeing nada to be like giving an alcholic one little drink and then she can't stop, she has to have more until she has consumed me. It is similar to the idea that nada will be miserable with or without you, so you might as well save yourself instead of letting her take you down with her. This helped me feel much less guilty about my decisions. > > I think I would have your therapist elaborate and explore your NC/LC decision with you more. I worked into NC over time and still get together at times when I want to. Some here have even resumed contact when they feel strong enough to keep boundaries and a lot can depend on what level of bpd your nada is. I would suggest giving yourself the time you need. Nada's have pressured us every step of the way our whole lives. This decision is all yours and you need to do what is best for you, when it's best for you. My experience is that nadas get worse for awhile when you cut off contact more until they see that their shinanigans to pull you back in aren't working anymore. > > Setting boundaries with nada can take some practice. My nada turned to stalking for about a year and I considered a restraining order at one point. Read up on the SWOES books, etc and prepare yourself. > > patinage > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Join the conversation
You are posting as a guest. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.
Note: Your post will require moderator approval before it will be visible.