Hard time

[Guest guest]

I am having a hard time with the holidays. I want to see a therapist so bad and

I can't because my husband has lost his job and we had to move into my dad's

basement in a different state and we have no means to go to therapy and it has

been ok until now. I feel like I just need a day of sitting alone in a quiet

room to cry and not have anyone come ask me if I am ok or anything. I love my

husband but we are stuck in this basement and just the sound of him swallowing

water makes me want to cry. Everything makes me want to cry and I just want to

be alone to breath.

I have recently found out that my Nada had been lying to me about some very big

things ever since I was a child. Always thought my Dad left my helpless loving

perfect Mom for my evil step mom. What really happened was Mom cheated on dad

right after his little brother died in an accident. And told him coldly that

she was having an affair and when he left her she freaked because the man in the

affair left her at the same time. So I was raised alone with her to believe

that my Dad hated me and her and left us both for my step mom. And My Mom was

the saint. It took ten years of living away from my Mom to realize my dad is

great and so is my step mom and they love me so much they took us in when we had

no where to turn. And then when she threatened to commit suicide when we came

to my Dad for help I went to a therapist for the little time I could here and

they told me about BPD. Too perfect. Every day I am struggling with how much

my Mom has done in my life alone that is just awful stuff. I know it is the

BPD, but I can't help hating her for it and dwelling on it to the point that I

am consumed by it. I am on low contact with her and working through setting

boundaries. But I wish I could just never have her in my life again. But the

guilt is unbearable when we are on no contact. I am in pain and I just needed

to vent. I hate my Nada and I love my Dad step mom and husband. Yet I am so

consumed with my Nada that I am not taking advantage of this time I have with

the ones I love. I need to set my mind at ease and I can't find a way. But

thank you for listening.