Welcome, all you new members

[Guest guest]

Hello and welcome, new members.

I remember feeling both amazed and relieved to find a whole group of people who

understood what it was like to grow up with a bpd mom ( " nada " ) and/or dad

( " fada " ). My Sister and I can validate each other's take on our childhood,

but, it was very enlightening to find this place and read post after post after

post *that I could have written about my own experiences.*

Knowledge is power. There are a lot of good books out there now about

borderline pd. I highly recommend " Understanding The Borderline Mother " and

" Surviving A Borderline Parent. " At the website home of this Group

" BPDCentral.com " there is a list of more recommended reading.

One of the key things to understand and accept is that we did not cause our

parent(s) to have a mental disorder, and we can't cure them.

Another key (and difficult) thing to understand and accept is that we are NOT

responsible for our mentally ill parent's *feelings.* Its not our job to parent

our personality-disordered parent, or rescue our pd parent from their own

unhappiness. Its hard to accept, but nothing that we could possibly say or do

will make your nada or fada happy within themselves (in a meaningful way, not

just temporarily.) When we can accept and believe that their feelings are not

our responsibility, its possible to start letting go of the misplaced and

inappropriate guilt they inflict on us about it. (The books about overcoming

co-dependence are good with this part.)

(For me, personally, I see a difference between (a) ensuring that an elderly

parent is not destitute and ( feeling responsible for making her happy. The

first is purely a humanitarian thing: seeing that an elderly parent has food,

shelter, medical care, and assisted living if necessary, but without it shading

over into co-dependence, which is unhealthy.)

Once you can shed the inappropriate, misplaced guilt, it becomes easier to

accept that its OK for you to put your own needs, your children's needs, your

spouse/SO's needs above your pd parent's feelings, and its OK to have your own,

separate, private, joyful adult life. Its OK for you to have that normal,

natural thing: a private, independent adult life separate from your parents.

Its not only OK, its *your right* to protect yourself from further emotional,

physical, sexual, financial, or spiritual abuse, and it IS part of your job as a

good parent to protect *your* children from abuse, even if the abuse is coming

from your child's grandparent.

Learning how to set and maintain boundaries so that you can have your private,

separate adult life is well-discussed in Randi Kreger's books, like " Stop

Walking On Eggshells " , and the book " Surviving A Borderline Parent. "

So, again, welcome. We're each on our own journey to peace and healing, and

finding what works for each of us individually RE having (or not having) a

relationship with a personality-disordered parent.

For those who are seeking a Christian perspective on all this, I recommend a

site called " Luke 17:3 Ministries for the adult daughters of controlling or

abusive birth families " that is specifically about spiritual abuse: when parents

misuse the Bible as a weapon to manipulate, dominate and control their adult

child. Here's the link:

http://www.luke173ministries.org/templates/System/default.asp?id=39548

-Annie