Introduction

[Guest guest]

Hello everyone,

I have been " lurking " in this group for several weeks now - not really

commenting much but reading all of the emails and taking everything in. I just

wanted to share where I am right now and hopefully get some other perspectives

on my current situation.

I am only child raised by nada and dishrag dad. I JUST recently realized that

my mother has the diagnosis of BP. Until now I have described my mother as

" difficult " but I think that I made excuses for her behavior and tried to

explain it away intellectually. I am in SHOCK of how strong my denial has been.

Oh, btw, I have been in therapy most of my adult life with the last 5 years

largely focusing on how to improve the relationship with my " mother. " I have

generally reacted to her with anger for the things she said to me and I had been

working on ways to control my own reactions (now I realize this was never going

to work and only a part of the solution). Here are is what happened recently

that I think forced me to see the truth (and I am soo very certain that my nada

has BP):

-I am married and have two young children. During the summer I was pregnant

with my second child and my husband accepted a job across the country. The

relationship with my " mother " had improved over the years (I now believe this

was for 2 reasons (a) a little bit because of my work in therapy and ( b/c my

oldest was under 2 and essentially needy and/or dependent on adults and unable

to contradict her much. I think that for my nada the alternating between " good "

and " bad " in terms of how she treats me has to do, at least in part, with

whether she feels " needed " and appreciated / enmeshed by me. After I had a kid

she was able to help out and was generally ?nurturing dare I say? (except if she

could not get the baby to stop crying b/c of course that would reflect

negatively on her). BUT oh how things changed once my child turned two and

could express her own will!

-So this summer my oldest had just turned two, we moved, and I had a newborn - a

stressful time without adding the nada drama. Well, in my falsely perceived

improved relationship with my nada I asked her for help during this time. She

lives several thousand miles away (it has been very clear to me that I could NOT

live in the same city). She stayed with us for about two months to help with

the newborn / moving and house hunting, returned home, then came back for

another two months to help with unpacking / settling in. What a nightmare that

was!

-She was demanding, verbally abusive to me, and would get so easily frustrated

with my 2 year old. And the thing I always hate when I spend too much time with

her is that I become easily frustrated and hate the person I become. It usually

takes me several weeks to decompress and go back to being myself once she

leaves. This time it has been a douzy since I could no longer pretend that she

was " just difficult. "

-I think that for me the realization that my 2 year old was now vulnerable to

her made the mask finally come off. I think by not admitting her BP to myself I

have been protecting her as I have always done, plus I think it has been painful

to admit that I will NEVER have the relationship I hoped for and dreamed of with

her. I could not admit that until now.

OK, this post is getting waaay too long. I think I have sooo much to say right

now as I am finding new ways to understand my life and actually looking at some

not very nice things (to put it mildly) things in my childhood for the first

time for what they were - emotionally abusive - rather than making excuses for

them.

I do have a few questions that I would love some perspective on:

1. Oh no, the holidays are coming! I have been LC since she returned home. I

have surprisingly set some limits effectively with her over the phone. (She

wanted to come back and visit this month for a week and I told her no.)