Re: Taking a breath... eating at desk etc.

[Guest guest]

Wow, so many reponses - cool! Gratefully I don't have to eat at my desk; not

sure why i thought it was a good idea to have a stash of M & M's there - but

found out it was a very bad idea. Maybe at some point in time, I'll work on

actually being conscious of myself while at my desk and working, but mostly I'm

just doing the job.

I will have to work on this thing about hating anything resembling exercising

and being in the body. I used to love to swim at a kid; don't like pools that

much but there is one on my way home from work that I've thought about going to.

I think that once I get some of the acheyness out of my body due to eating foods

that don't work for my system (chocolate, dairy, corn, gluten...) I'll feel

better and then moving won't feel like such a chore.

I think I've been addicted to feeling lousy and that's starting to ebb as I

slowly dip into IE and more conscious connection and thoughtfulness around food

and living. thanks

> >

> > So... I threw away some of my M & M's yesterday. Not to forbid them, but to

put some space between me and eating until I exploded. I had some in my desk at

work where, I'm afraid, I'm less than intuitively connected to myself 8+ hours a

day. So, I decided that if I really wanted some, I'd need to commit to that and

go out and buy enough for a reasonable portion (?) and if I wanted more, go out

and buy that. I don't know if I'll stick to that, but it sounded reasonable. I

still have some at home though and am not feeling pulled by them at all. Go

figure.

> >

> > I chose to that in part because I could have eaten a barrel of them and not

noticed and because I don't like how I feel when I eat a lot of chocolate - my

joints ache and I feel crummy all over. Which watered down any sense of " gain "

in the IE plan...

> >

> > And...I've amended my goal... I'd left out the part about wanting to

actually lose weight... Without that being the end game, it is also part of

what I am seeking in practicing a more mindful way of eating. Though the whole

normal weight goal is something I also need to hold lightly in my mind.

> >

> > I assume my " normal " weight isn't where I am right now. I'm guessing that

in the real scheme of things I'm 40 - 50 pounds overweight - but that might not

be true. It might be thirty, it might be twenty, maybe it's sixty. I don't know

what I would weigh if I were to no longer eat as a hobby, to avoid my emotions,

when I'm full, out of defiance or because I'm bored/lonely or simply saw

something and stuffed it in my mouth (ordered it from the menu) before even

thinking about my body.

> >

> > I'm reading IE, looking at the guidelines, and trying not to make that all

too " ruley " . I get very rule-bound and then my defiance kicks in and I'm off

and running. When did this all become so crazy and when did I get so tossed

around by food thoughts?! Doesn't matter, the answers are actually obvious and

I guess the real reason for that question is that I wish I could just rule my

body into the shape I want it because that's the world we live in.

> >

> > My mom was a " willpower freak " - she could will herself into anything.

Always on a diet, always maintained a low weight. Wound up with terrible,

terrible osteoporosis which may have been part of her living on coffee all day

rather than food. But who knows? Anyway, reframing my willpower to willingness

is, I guess, the goal du jour.

> >

> > By the way, I dread going to the gym like the plague. Joined our local

health club one year ago - and haven't stepped through the doors since. If I

could wear a birka, I might start. But being fat and waddling on the tread mill

next to some jock is my version of hell on Earth. I try to walk most days and

when I do my feet and ankles are inevitably sore the next morning. Blah, blah,

blah... it's all about body hatred. And a lifetime of bad messages and a

lifetime of couchpotatoness. So... A yoga class started in town tonight and I

wanted to go, sort of, and didn't. I can't say why for sure except that's what

I do - plan things and then opt out.

> >

> > That is my progress for today...

> >

> > I'm taking a breath before dinner and will eat soon as if I don't it will be

too late. I'm just waiting to see what feels/seems right as I have a

refrigerator full of choices, none of which are calling to me but they're all

waiting for me to either eat them or toss them out. Isn't that awful though?

> >

>

[Guest guest]

I was a little disappointed to learn that the beaches here in So. Florida are covered with stinging jelly fish and few are going in the water. :-( I'll have to wait for my lovely beach day. TaiTo: IntuitiveEating_Support Sent: Wednesday, August 17, 2011 4:51 PMSubject: Re: Taking a breath... eating at

desk etc.

Wow, so many reponses - cool! Gratefully I don't have to eat at my desk; not sure why i thought it was a good idea to have a stash of M & M's there - but found out it was a very bad idea. Maybe at some point in time, I'll work on actually being conscious of myself while at my desk and working, but mostly I'm just doing the job.

I will have to work on this thing about hating anything resembling exercising and being in the body. I used to love to swim at a kid; don't like pools that much but there is one on my way home from work that I've thought about going to. I think that once I get some of the acheyness out of my body due to eating foods that don't work for my system (chocolate, dairy, corn, gluten...) I'll feel better and then moving won't feel like such a chore.

I think I've been addicted to feeling lousy and that's starting to ebb as I slowly dip into IE and more conscious connection and thoughtfulness around food and living. thanks

> >

> > So... I threw away some of my M & M's yesterday. Not to forbid them, but to put some space between me and eating until I exploded. I had some in my desk at work where, I'm afraid, I'm less than intuitively connected to myself 8+ hours a day. So, I decided that if I really wanted some, I'd need to commit to that and go out and buy enough for a reasonable portion (?) and if I wanted more, go out and buy that. I don't know if I'll stick to that, but it sounded reasonable. I still have some at home though and am not feeling pulled by them at all. Go figure.

> >

> > I chose to that in part because I could have eaten a barrel of them and not noticed and because I don't like how I feel when I eat a lot of chocolate - my joints ache and I feel crummy all over. Which watered down any sense of "gain" in the IE plan...

> >

> > And...I've amended my goal... I'd left out the part about wanting to actually lose weight... Without that being the end game, it is also part of what I am seeking in practicing a more mindful way of eating. Though the whole normal weight goal is something I also need to hold lightly in my mind.

> >

> > I assume my "normal" weight isn't where I am right now. I'm guessing that in the real scheme of things I'm 40 - 50 pounds overweight - but that might not be true. It might be thirty, it might be twenty, maybe it's sixty. I don't know what I would weigh if I were to no longer eat as a hobby, to avoid my emotions, when I'm full, out of defiance or because I'm bored/lonely or simply saw something and stuffed it in my mouth (ordered it from the menu) before even thinking about my body.

> >

> > I'm reading IE, looking at the guidelines, and trying not to make that all too "ruley". I get very rule-bound and then my defiance kicks in and I'm off and running. When did this all become so crazy and when did I get so tossed around by food thoughts?! Doesn't matter, the answers are actually obvious and I guess the real reason for that question is that I wish I could just rule my body into the shape I want it because that's the world we live in.

> >

> > My mom was a "willpower freak" - she could will herself into anything. Always on a diet, always maintained a low weight. Wound up with terrible, terrible osteoporosis which may have been part of her living on coffee all day rather than food. But who knows? Anyway, reframing my willpower to willingness is, I guess, the goal du jour.

> >

> > By the way, I dread going to the gym like the plague. Joined our local health club one year ago - and haven't stepped through the doors since. If I could wear a birka, I might start. But being fat and waddling on the tread mill next to some jock is my version of hell on Earth. I try to walk most days and when I do my feet and ankles are inevitably sore the next morning. Blah, blah, blah... it's all about body hatred. And a lifetime of bad messages and a lifetime of couchpotatoness. So... A yoga class started in town tonight and I wanted to go, sort of, and didn't. I can't say why for sure except that's what I do - plan things and then opt out.

> >

> > That is my progress for today...

> >

> > I'm taking a breath before dinner and will eat soon as if I don't it will be too late. I'm just waiting to see what feels/seems right as I have a refrigerator full of choices, none of which are calling to me but they're all waiting for me to either eat them or toss them out. Isn't that awful though?

> >

>

[Guest guest]

I was a little disappointed to learn that the beaches here in So. Florida are covered with stinging jelly fish and few are going in the water. :-( I'll have to wait for my lovely beach day. TaiTo: IntuitiveEating_Support Sent: Wednesday, August 17, 2011 4:51 PMSubject: Re: Taking a breath... eating at

desk etc.

Wow, so many reponses - cool! Gratefully I don't have to eat at my desk; not sure why i thought it was a good idea to have a stash of M & M's there - but found out it was a very bad idea. Maybe at some point in time, I'll work on actually being conscious of myself while at my desk and working, but mostly I'm just doing the job.

I will have to work on this thing about hating anything resembling exercising and being in the body. I used to love to swim at a kid; don't like pools that much but there is one on my way home from work that I've thought about going to. I think that once I get some of the acheyness out of my body due to eating foods that don't work for my system (chocolate, dairy, corn, gluten...) I'll feel better and then moving won't feel like such a chore.

I think I've been addicted to feeling lousy and that's starting to ebb as I slowly dip into IE and more conscious connection and thoughtfulness around food and living. thanks

> >

> > So... I threw away some of my M & M's yesterday. Not to forbid them, but to put some space between me and eating until I exploded. I had some in my desk at work where, I'm afraid, I'm less than intuitively connected to myself 8+ hours a day. So, I decided that if I really wanted some, I'd need to commit to that and go out and buy enough for a reasonable portion (?) and if I wanted more, go out and buy that. I don't know if I'll stick to that, but it sounded reasonable. I still have some at home though and am not feeling pulled by them at all. Go figure.

> >

> > I chose to that in part because I could have eaten a barrel of them and not noticed and because I don't like how I feel when I eat a lot of chocolate - my joints ache and I feel crummy all over. Which watered down any sense of "gain" in the IE plan...

> >

> > And...I've amended my goal... I'd left out the part about wanting to actually lose weight... Without that being the end game, it is also part of what I am seeking in practicing a more mindful way of eating. Though the whole normal weight goal is something I also need to hold lightly in my mind.

> >

> > I assume my "normal" weight isn't where I am right now. I'm guessing that in the real scheme of things I'm 40 - 50 pounds overweight - but that might not be true. It might be thirty, it might be twenty, maybe it's sixty. I don't know what I would weigh if I were to no longer eat as a hobby, to avoid my emotions, when I'm full, out of defiance or because I'm bored/lonely or simply saw something and stuffed it in my mouth (ordered it from the menu) before even thinking about my body.

> >

> > I'm reading IE, looking at the guidelines, and trying not to make that all too "ruley". I get very rule-bound and then my defiance kicks in and I'm off and running. When did this all become so crazy and when did I get so tossed around by food thoughts?! Doesn't matter, the answers are actually obvious and I guess the real reason for that question is that I wish I could just rule my body into the shape I want it because that's the world we live in.

> >

> > My mom was a "willpower freak" - she could will herself into anything. Always on a diet, always maintained a low weight. Wound up with terrible, terrible osteoporosis which may have been part of her living on coffee all day rather than food. But who knows? Anyway, reframing my willpower to willingness is, I guess, the goal du jour.

> >

> > By the way, I dread going to the gym like the plague. Joined our local health club one year ago - and haven't stepped through the doors since. If I could wear a birka, I might start. But being fat and waddling on the tread mill next to some jock is my version of hell on Earth. I try to walk most days and when I do my feet and ankles are inevitably sore the next morning. Blah, blah, blah... it's all about body hatred. And a lifetime of bad messages and a lifetime of couchpotatoness. So... A yoga class started in town tonight and I wanted to go, sort of, and didn't. I can't say why for sure except that's what I do - plan things and then opt out.

> >

> > That is my progress for today...

> >

> > I'm taking a breath before dinner and will eat soon as if I don't it will be too late. I'm just waiting to see what feels/seems right as I have a refrigerator full of choices, none of which are calling to me but they're all waiting for me to either eat them or toss them out. Isn't that awful though?

> >

>

[Guest guest]

I was a little disappointed to learn that the beaches here in So. Florida are covered with stinging jelly fish and few are going in the water. :-( I'll have to wait for my lovely beach day. TaiTo: IntuitiveEating_Support Sent: Wednesday, August 17, 2011 4:51 PMSubject: Re: Taking a breath... eating at

desk etc.

Wow, so many reponses - cool! Gratefully I don't have to eat at my desk; not sure why i thought it was a good idea to have a stash of M & M's there - but found out it was a very bad idea. Maybe at some point in time, I'll work on actually being conscious of myself while at my desk and working, but mostly I'm just doing the job.

I will have to work on this thing about hating anything resembling exercising and being in the body. I used to love to swim at a kid; don't like pools that much but there is one on my way home from work that I've thought about going to. I think that once I get some of the acheyness out of my body due to eating foods that don't work for my system (chocolate, dairy, corn, gluten...) I'll feel better and then moving won't feel like such a chore.

I think I've been addicted to feeling lousy and that's starting to ebb as I slowly dip into IE and more conscious connection and thoughtfulness around food and living. thanks

> >

> > So... I threw away some of my M & M's yesterday. Not to forbid them, but to put some space between me and eating until I exploded. I had some in my desk at work where, I'm afraid, I'm less than intuitively connected to myself 8+ hours a day. So, I decided that if I really wanted some, I'd need to commit to that and go out and buy enough for a reasonable portion (?) and if I wanted more, go out and buy that. I don't know if I'll stick to that, but it sounded reasonable. I still have some at home though and am not feeling pulled by them at all. Go figure.

> >

> > I chose to that in part because I could have eaten a barrel of them and not noticed and because I don't like how I feel when I eat a lot of chocolate - my joints ache and I feel crummy all over. Which watered down any sense of "gain" in the IE plan...

> >

> > And...I've amended my goal... I'd left out the part about wanting to actually lose weight... Without that being the end game, it is also part of what I am seeking in practicing a more mindful way of eating. Though the whole normal weight goal is something I also need to hold lightly in my mind.

> >

> > I assume my "normal" weight isn't where I am right now. I'm guessing that in the real scheme of things I'm 40 - 50 pounds overweight - but that might not be true. It might be thirty, it might be twenty, maybe it's sixty. I don't know what I would weigh if I were to no longer eat as a hobby, to avoid my emotions, when I'm full, out of defiance or because I'm bored/lonely or simply saw something and stuffed it in my mouth (ordered it from the menu) before even thinking about my body.

> >

> > I'm reading IE, looking at the guidelines, and trying not to make that all too "ruley". I get very rule-bound and then my defiance kicks in and I'm off and running. When did this all become so crazy and when did I get so tossed around by food thoughts?! Doesn't matter, the answers are actually obvious and I guess the real reason for that question is that I wish I could just rule my body into the shape I want it because that's the world we live in.

> >

> > My mom was a "willpower freak" - she could will herself into anything. Always on a diet, always maintained a low weight. Wound up with terrible, terrible osteoporosis which may have been part of her living on coffee all day rather than food. But who knows? Anyway, reframing my willpower to willingness is, I guess, the goal du jour.

> >

> > By the way, I dread going to the gym like the plague. Joined our local health club one year ago - and haven't stepped through the doors since. If I could wear a birka, I might start. But being fat and waddling on the tread mill next to some jock is my version of hell on Earth. I try to walk most days and when I do my feet and ankles are inevitably sore the next morning. Blah, blah, blah... it's all about body hatred. And a lifetime of bad messages and a lifetime of couchpotatoness. So... A yoga class started in town tonight and I wanted to go, sort of, and didn't. I can't say why for sure except that's what I do - plan things and then opt out.

> >

> > That is my progress for today...

> >

> > I'm taking a breath before dinner and will eat soon as if I don't it will be too late. I'm just waiting to see what feels/seems right as I have a refrigerator full of choices, none of which are calling to me but they're all waiting for me to either eat them or toss them out. Isn't that awful though?

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Tai, Those darn jelly fish! Sandy

 

I was a little disappointed to learn that the beaches here in So. Florida are covered with stinging jelly fish and few are going in the water. :-( I'll have to wait for my lovely beach day. Tai

To: IntuitiveEating_Support

Sent: Wednesday, August 17, 2011 4:51 PMSubject: Re: Taking a breath... eating at

desk etc.

 

Wow, so many reponses - cool! Gratefully I don't have to eat at my desk; not sure why i thought it was a good idea to have a stash of M & M's there - but found out it was a very bad idea. Maybe at some point in time, I'll work on actually being conscious of myself while at my desk and working, but mostly I'm just doing the job.

I will have to work on this thing about hating anything resembling exercising and being in the body. I used to love to swim at a kid; don't like pools that much but there is one on my way home from work that I've thought about going to. I think that once I get some of the acheyness out of my body due to eating foods that don't work for my system (chocolate, dairy, corn, gluten...) I'll feel better and then moving won't feel like such a chore.

I think I've been addicted to feeling lousy and that's starting to ebb as I slowly dip into IE and more conscious connection and thoughtfulness around food and living. thanks

> >

> > So... I threw away some of my M & M's yesterday. Not to forbid them, but to put some space between me and eating until I exploded. I had some in my desk at work where, I'm afraid, I'm less than intuitively connected to myself 8+ hours a day. So, I decided that if I really wanted some, I'd need to commit to that and go out and buy enough for a reasonable portion (?) and if I wanted more, go out and buy that. I don't know if I'll stick to that, but it sounded reasonable. I still have some at home though and am not feeling pulled by them at all. Go figure.

> >

> > I chose to that in part because I could have eaten a barrel of them and not noticed and because I don't like how I feel when I eat a lot of chocolate - my joints ache and I feel crummy all over. Which watered down any sense of " gain " in the IE plan...

> >

> > And...I've amended my goal... I'd left out the part about wanting to actually lose weight... Without that being the end game, it is also part of what I am seeking in practicing a more mindful way of eating. Though the whole normal weight goal is something I also need to hold lightly in my mind.

> >

> > I assume my " normal " weight isn't where I am right now. I'm guessing that in the real scheme of things I'm 40 - 50 pounds overweight - but that might not be true. It might be thirty, it might be twenty, maybe it's sixty. I don't know what I would weigh if I were to no longer eat as a hobby, to avoid my emotions, when I'm full, out of defiance or because I'm bored/lonely or simply saw something and stuffed it in my mouth (ordered it from the menu) before even thinking about my body.

> >

> > I'm reading IE, looking at the guidelines, and trying not to make that all too " ruley " . I get very rule-bound and then my defiance kicks in and I'm off and running. When did this all become so crazy and when did I get so tossed around by food thoughts?! Doesn't matter, the answers are actually obvious and I guess the real reason for that question is that I wish I could just rule my body into the shape I want it because that's the world we live in.

> >

> > My mom was a " willpower freak " - she could will herself into anything. Always on a diet, always maintained a low weight. Wound up with terrible, terrible osteoporosis which may have been part of her living on coffee all day rather than food. But who knows? Anyway, reframing my willpower to willingness is, I guess, the goal du jour.

> >

> > By the way, I dread going to the gym like the plague. Joined our local health club one year ago - and haven't stepped through the doors since. If I could wear a birka, I might start. But being fat and waddling on the tread mill next to some jock is my version of hell on Earth. I try to walk most days and when I do my feet and ankles are inevitably sore the next morning. Blah, blah, blah... it's all about body hatred. And a lifetime of bad messages and a lifetime of couchpotatoness. So... A yoga class started in town tonight and I wanted to go, sort of, and didn't. I can't say why for sure except that's what I do - plan things and then opt out.

> >

> > That is my progress for today...

> >

> > I'm taking a breath before dinner and will eat soon as if I don't it will be too late. I'm just waiting to see what feels/seems right as I have a refrigerator full of choices, none of which are calling to me but they're all waiting for me to either eat them or toss them out. Isn't that awful though?

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Tai, Those darn jelly fish! Sandy

 

I was a little disappointed to learn that the beaches here in So. Florida are covered with stinging jelly fish and few are going in the water. :-( I'll have to wait for my lovely beach day. Tai

To: IntuitiveEating_Support

Sent: Wednesday, August 17, 2011 4:51 PMSubject: Re: Taking a breath... eating at

desk etc.

 

Wow, so many reponses - cool! Gratefully I don't have to eat at my desk; not sure why i thought it was a good idea to have a stash of M & M's there - but found out it was a very bad idea. Maybe at some point in time, I'll work on actually being conscious of myself while at my desk and working, but mostly I'm just doing the job.

I will have to work on this thing about hating anything resembling exercising and being in the body. I used to love to swim at a kid; don't like pools that much but there is one on my way home from work that I've thought about going to. I think that once I get some of the acheyness out of my body due to eating foods that don't work for my system (chocolate, dairy, corn, gluten...) I'll feel better and then moving won't feel like such a chore.

I think I've been addicted to feeling lousy and that's starting to ebb as I slowly dip into IE and more conscious connection and thoughtfulness around food and living. thanks

> >

> > So... I threw away some of my M & M's yesterday. Not to forbid them, but to put some space between me and eating until I exploded. I had some in my desk at work where, I'm afraid, I'm less than intuitively connected to myself 8+ hours a day. So, I decided that if I really wanted some, I'd need to commit to that and go out and buy enough for a reasonable portion (?) and if I wanted more, go out and buy that. I don't know if I'll stick to that, but it sounded reasonable. I still have some at home though and am not feeling pulled by them at all. Go figure.

> >

> > I chose to that in part because I could have eaten a barrel of them and not noticed and because I don't like how I feel when I eat a lot of chocolate - my joints ache and I feel crummy all over. Which watered down any sense of " gain " in the IE plan...

> >

> > And...I've amended my goal... I'd left out the part about wanting to actually lose weight... Without that being the end game, it is also part of what I am seeking in practicing a more mindful way of eating. Though the whole normal weight goal is something I also need to hold lightly in my mind.

> >

> > I assume my " normal " weight isn't where I am right now. I'm guessing that in the real scheme of things I'm 40 - 50 pounds overweight - but that might not be true. It might be thirty, it might be twenty, maybe it's sixty. I don't know what I would weigh if I were to no longer eat as a hobby, to avoid my emotions, when I'm full, out of defiance or because I'm bored/lonely or simply saw something and stuffed it in my mouth (ordered it from the menu) before even thinking about my body.

> >

> > I'm reading IE, looking at the guidelines, and trying not to make that all too " ruley " . I get very rule-bound and then my defiance kicks in and I'm off and running. When did this all become so crazy and when did I get so tossed around by food thoughts?! Doesn't matter, the answers are actually obvious and I guess the real reason for that question is that I wish I could just rule my body into the shape I want it because that's the world we live in.

> >

> > My mom was a " willpower freak " - she could will herself into anything. Always on a diet, always maintained a low weight. Wound up with terrible, terrible osteoporosis which may have been part of her living on coffee all day rather than food. But who knows? Anyway, reframing my willpower to willingness is, I guess, the goal du jour.

> >

> > By the way, I dread going to the gym like the plague. Joined our local health club one year ago - and haven't stepped through the doors since. If I could wear a birka, I might start. But being fat and waddling on the tread mill next to some jock is my version of hell on Earth. I try to walk most days and when I do my feet and ankles are inevitably sore the next morning. Blah, blah, blah... it's all about body hatred. And a lifetime of bad messages and a lifetime of couchpotatoness. So... A yoga class started in town tonight and I wanted to go, sort of, and didn't. I can't say why for sure except that's what I do - plan things and then opt out.

> >

> > That is my progress for today...

> >

> > I'm taking a breath before dinner and will eat soon as if I don't it will be too late. I'm just waiting to see what feels/seems right as I have a refrigerator full of choices, none of which are calling to me but they're all waiting for me to either eat them or toss them out. Isn't that awful though?

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Tai, Those darn jelly fish! Sandy

 

I was a little disappointed to learn that the beaches here in So. Florida are covered with stinging jelly fish and few are going in the water. :-( I'll have to wait for my lovely beach day. Tai

To: IntuitiveEating_Support

Sent: Wednesday, August 17, 2011 4:51 PMSubject: Re: Taking a breath... eating at

desk etc.

 

Wow, so many reponses - cool! Gratefully I don't have to eat at my desk; not sure why i thought it was a good idea to have a stash of M & M's there - but found out it was a very bad idea. Maybe at some point in time, I'll work on actually being conscious of myself while at my desk and working, but mostly I'm just doing the job.

I will have to work on this thing about hating anything resembling exercising and being in the body. I used to love to swim at a kid; don't like pools that much but there is one on my way home from work that I've thought about going to. I think that once I get some of the acheyness out of my body due to eating foods that don't work for my system (chocolate, dairy, corn, gluten...) I'll feel better and then moving won't feel like such a chore.

I think I've been addicted to feeling lousy and that's starting to ebb as I slowly dip into IE and more conscious connection and thoughtfulness around food and living. thanks

> >

> > So... I threw away some of my M & M's yesterday. Not to forbid them, but to put some space between me and eating until I exploded. I had some in my desk at work where, I'm afraid, I'm less than intuitively connected to myself 8+ hours a day. So, I decided that if I really wanted some, I'd need to commit to that and go out and buy enough for a reasonable portion (?) and if I wanted more, go out and buy that. I don't know if I'll stick to that, but it sounded reasonable. I still have some at home though and am not feeling pulled by them at all. Go figure.

> >

> > I chose to that in part because I could have eaten a barrel of them and not noticed and because I don't like how I feel when I eat a lot of chocolate - my joints ache and I feel crummy all over. Which watered down any sense of " gain " in the IE plan...

> >

> > And...I've amended my goal... I'd left out the part about wanting to actually lose weight... Without that being the end game, it is also part of what I am seeking in practicing a more mindful way of eating. Though the whole normal weight goal is something I also need to hold lightly in my mind.

> >

> > I assume my " normal " weight isn't where I am right now. I'm guessing that in the real scheme of things I'm 40 - 50 pounds overweight - but that might not be true. It might be thirty, it might be twenty, maybe it's sixty. I don't know what I would weigh if I were to no longer eat as a hobby, to avoid my emotions, when I'm full, out of defiance or because I'm bored/lonely or simply saw something and stuffed it in my mouth (ordered it from the menu) before even thinking about my body.

> >

> > I'm reading IE, looking at the guidelines, and trying not to make that all too " ruley " . I get very rule-bound and then my defiance kicks in and I'm off and running. When did this all become so crazy and when did I get so tossed around by food thoughts?! Doesn't matter, the answers are actually obvious and I guess the real reason for that question is that I wish I could just rule my body into the shape I want it because that's the world we live in.

> >

> > My mom was a " willpower freak " - she could will herself into anything. Always on a diet, always maintained a low weight. Wound up with terrible, terrible osteoporosis which may have been part of her living on coffee all day rather than food. But who knows? Anyway, reframing my willpower to willingness is, I guess, the goal du jour.

> >

> > By the way, I dread going to the gym like the plague. Joined our local health club one year ago - and haven't stepped through the doors since. If I could wear a birka, I might start. But being fat and waddling on the tread mill next to some jock is my version of hell on Earth. I try to walk most days and when I do my feet and ankles are inevitably sore the next morning. Blah, blah, blah... it's all about body hatred. And a lifetime of bad messages and a lifetime of couchpotatoness. So... A yoga class started in town tonight and I wanted to go, sort of, and didn't. I can't say why for sure except that's what I do - plan things and then opt out.

> >

> > That is my progress for today...

> >

> > I'm taking a breath before dinner and will eat soon as if I don't it will be too late. I'm just waiting to see what feels/seems right as I have a refrigerator full of choices, none of which are calling to me but they're all waiting for me to either eat them or toss them out. Isn't that awful though?

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Sandy: "Tai, Those darn jelly fish!"I know...

[Guest guest]

Sandy: "Tai, Those darn jelly fish!"I know...

[Guest guest]

Sandy: "Tai, Those darn jelly fish!"I know...