Stuck and Tired - Dealing with Elderly Nada

[Guest guest]

Hi All - I just re-joined after a few years away. I'm here seeking a little

comfort and understanding because my BP mother has recently ripped my heart out

again. I received so much help several years ago, even given the incredible

grief that came with the realization that my Nada was BPD. I know all of you

have lived through the shock and sadness after you see your story being told by

others and you realize the nearly never-ending pain that has been inflicted.

Still –knowledge was power for me and I was able to go for several years dealing

and coping fairly well with my elderly BPD Nada. Until a week ago.

Everyone says they'll be brief when they begin one of these tales of woe on this

site, and I will start by saying the same thing and I will really try. My Nada

is 88 and in fairly good health with only recent changes that I would call signs

of minor dementia. I am the primary caregiver for her, taking her to doctors,

handling her checkbook, paying a few bills, hiring grass cutting and dropping

everything at a moment's notice when there is an emergency (which is becoming

more frequent). Over the years, I have been repeatedly accused of stealing

things and have been pitted against my older sister who is the " all good "

daughter. I had reached a place where I thought I could continue to help my

mother and was feeling like the promise I made to myself to see her through to

the end was going to be fulfilled. So, a week ago I stopped by the pharmacy and

picked up her refills, stopped by the vitamin store for some doctor prescribed

supplements and bought her some groceries. The total for these items was $200.

I delivered the items to her and she commented that she did not have cash to pay

me. I told her we could write a check to reimburse me. I saw her look sideways

at me and she threw her head back and smiled heartily. She said – " Oh I have no

doubt you'll write yourself a check – you're the only one I get that from, "

implying that my sister and her grown children don't ask for reimbursement when

they pick things up. I was stopped dead in my tracks by the comment and just

stood there looking at her for a minute. I then asked her if it was really true

that my sister was buying her medications, etc. My Nada said that my sister

buys her things " all the time " and never asks for money and Nada giggled as she

said that she thought it was funny that she is " able to get over " on people.

The fact is - I have spent all my vacation time every year for the past 6 years

taking off work to take her to doctors, dentists, banks, etc. Usually by

August, I go into unpaid leave every time I take a day off, meaning my paycheck

is docked. I was diagnosed with breast cancer two years ago and went through

surgery and radiation without saying a word to her about it. The last time I

had a vacation was 13 years ago just before my father died. Since then, my life

has been about taking care of Nada all the while being berated, lied about,

raged at and abused. So on that particular Sunday a week ago, her comment went

right through me like a knife. I know I can't expect her to have compassion for

my breast cancer experience if I didn't tell her about it, but I just felt

completely pitiful standing there in her kitchen. I should have kept my mouth

shut, written myself a check and left, but I was so stunned I started to cry.

Which made me sad and mad at the same time – I'm a 48 year old woman and I was

reduced to tears standing in the house I grew up and was tortured in by this

little old woman who was standing in front of me. I thought to myself – " it's

still not over and it's never going to be over until I'm dead. " I seriously

feel like the stress she has caused me is killing me and will cause me to have a

recurrence of cancer. It would not surprise me that at age 48 with her at age

88 if she was the one going to MY funeral. That is terrible to say on so many

levels, but it's seriously the way I feel.

Anyway, as most of you know, tears to a Borderline are like blood in the water

to a shark. I could not leave well enough alone and I couldern't stop crying

and I told her that her comment had really hurt my feelings. And that's when

the rage began. My mother said that I was only there for her money and that

nothing I ever did for her was " for her " she said I was just doing it for me.

She said the reason she had a heart problem several years ago was because I had

no heart and that I had killed her by being such a rotten person. When I said I

was trying to do the best I could for her, she laughed in my face. And so, I

couldn't take it anymore and I told her to stop talking. I repeated " stop

talking " several times, and then I finally just told her to Shut Up. And I said

it loud – I was in that weird vacuum with her and even I was surprised at the

booming sound that came out of my mouth. And then somehow I walked out, slammed

the kitchen door and got in my car and drove towards home. I had to leave

work the next day because I had to keep going to the bathroom to cry. And I

continued to cry a river for days.

I'm here on this site today because I'm still in shock. I have appointments set

up for Nada, bills to be paid, details of an insurance claim to work out. From

my sister – complete silence since this happened. So – here I am again

wondering what to do. I'm so tired, I don't have the energy to try anymore.

And if people in my family think that it is terrible to abandon an 88 year old

woman, I'm not sure I give a damn anymore. I'm sorry to ramble, but I am

disappointed, angry, sad and STUCK on the unfairness of it. Just STUCK. Thanks

for listneing.

Tag