Re: Uncomfortable around angry people

January 10, 2011

" It manifested in

money problems , house always disordered and dirty, nothing ever on

time. "

Yes exactly - loud fights about this every other day or so (on the off days,

my nada came home so late that I don't think they ran into each other).

Could this be part of the diagnosis? Anyone else have this?

And question 3 - why was it worth fighting about destructive behavior (nada

ripping apart the house), but not about her ripping me apart, as she did

every time I saw her?

>

> Nope, you're not alone. Shouting and anger always rattle me too.

>

> Before we got married, Hubby and his youngest son were having a rather loud

> discussion once at his house. I just sorta went, " Um, OK, time to leave

> now, " and I did. Went out to the car and drove home.

>

> --.

>

January 10, 2011

Me, neither, Judy; I try to escape in some way, and, if I can't physically get

away, I disassociate..........I never seem to be able to remember anything that

is screamed at me. At all.

~ Alastriona ~

>

> Wondering if anyone else feels on edge when people around them are being

> grumpy/angry?

>

> I know this is likely from being around BPD nada for so many years (30ish

> to

> be close to exact) and I have to realize that other people are NOT nada,

> which of course I do, but there's still something built into me that makes

> me nervous when people around me are being angry/grumpy.

>

> Example, fiance has his kids this weekend. His 4 year old son has just been

> so grumpy & angry and fiance is reacting grumpily too. To top it off, when

> fiance plays one of his computer games, he tends to do the " guy thing " and

> yell at it when things don't go his way. This always puts me on edge.

>

> The kids were fighting over the wii and of course he got on their case,

> told

> them to shut it off, etc. 4 year old starts screaming... ugh. Makes me so

> damn uncomfortable.

>

> Plus fiance has been super down lately and part of me feels very helpless.

> I have been there. I guess that is his issue. When I was there, I had to

> pull myself out. I can cheer him on but he has to do the work.

>

> Maybe the angriness thing is effecting me more than usual right now because

> of the upcoming surgery on Tuesday, but yes, I do generally feel very

> uncomfortable around angry people. I know this is MY issue and I do

> understand where it stems from, so I guess I " m just wondering a couple of

> things. 1 - am I alone? and 2 - anyone have any tips on how I can stop

> feeling this way?

>

> I mean, if fiance wants to yell at his computer, he has a right to. But it

> makes me uncomfortable, so yes, my issue not his.

>

> Mia

>

January 10, 2011

I've told my therapist that too, about not remembering. In times of duress,

I simply forget! I don't feel like I go off someplace else, my mind just

doesn't retain that information. I don't know how to explain it. Is that a

form of disassociation?

Mia

>

January 10, 2011

I've told my therapist that too, about not remembering. In times of duress,

I simply forget! I don't feel like I go off someplace else, my mind just

doesn't retain that information. I don't know how to explain it. Is that a

form of disassociation?

Mia

>

January 10, 2011

I think what you describe is probably a form of dissociating.

Dissociating (kind of " going away " mentally) is an automatic, subconscious

defense or coping mechanism that kicks in when we're under extreme stress and/or

danger. It helped us survive the chronic trauma that we received as children if

our parent was mentally ill, alcoholic and frequently frighteningly abusive or

negligent.

As adults these automatic, unconscious coping mechanisms can become

counter-productive, but they have become ingrained and persist even though we

don't need them anymore.

I bet your therapist can help you with that if you share with him that you tend

to dissociate or forget what happened when others around you are angry and

yelling.

-Annie

>

> I've told my therapist that too, about not remembering. In times of duress,

> I simply forget! I don't feel like I go off someplace else, my mind just

> doesn't retain that information. I don't know how to explain it. Is that a

> form of disassociation?

>

> Mia

>

> >

>

January 10, 2011

I've told her about it before Annie, but I guess I wasn't aware that it

could be dissociation. I will have to bring it up again next time I see her

so I can find out if there is a way to thwart it.

Mia

>

January 10, 2011

I could be wrong. I'm no psychologist, its just my amateur opinion, so its smart

to make sure that's what's going on with your therapist. Whatever it turns out

to be, if its bothering you then your therapist is there to help you deal with

it/get shed of it.

-Annie

>

> I've told her about it before Annie, but I guess I wasn't aware that it

> could be dissociation. I will have to bring it up again next time I see her

> so I can find out if there is a way to thwart it.

>

> Mia

>

> >

>

January 10, 2011

Aw. Yes. I work with a particular co-work that has anger issues and narcissistic

traits. Triggers me up the wall.

Especially when I had to draw boundaries and confront this person when they had

been violated. Very difficult considering their angry (and illogical)

personality dynamic.

The first few times I did it, I was shaking before I did. AFter the third time,

it was uncomfortable but not as much as the first few times. I tell myself when

I am in the midst of it that they can't " DO " anything to me where we work (and I

don't think they would otherwise), and I am completely safe. SAFE is a good key

word to say for me.

It also helps me to look at myself and observe my fear and shakiness at a higher

" altitude " . Observance helps me to control it and realize it's there without it

taking a life of its own. My controlling Nada days are over, but I still live

with the triggers.

Joy

>

> Wondering if anyone else feels on edge when people around them are being

> grumpy/angry?

>

> I know this is likely from being around BPD nada for so many years (30ish to

> be close to exact) and I have to realize that other people are NOT nada,

> which of course I do, but there's still something built into me that makes

> me nervous when people around me are being angry/grumpy.

>

> Example, fiance has his kids this weekend. His 4 year old son has just been

> so grumpy & angry and fiance is reacting grumpily too. To top it off, when

> fiance plays one of his computer games, he tends to do the " guy thing " and

> yell at it when things don't go his way. This always puts me on edge.

>

> The kids were fighting over the wii and of course he got on their case, told

> them to shut it off, etc. 4 year old starts screaming... ugh. Makes me so

> damn uncomfortable.

>

> Plus fiance has been super down lately and part of me feels very helpless.

> I have been there. I guess that is his issue. When I was there, I had to

> pull myself out. I can cheer him on but he has to do the work.

>

> Maybe the angriness thing is effecting me more than usual right now because

> of the upcoming surgery on Tuesday, but yes, I do generally feel very

> uncomfortable around angry people. I know this is MY issue and I do

> understand where it stems from, so I guess I " m just wondering a couple of

> things. 1 - am I alone? and 2 - anyone have any tips on how I can stop

> feeling this way?

>

> I mean, if fiance wants to yell at his computer, he has a right to. But it

> makes me uncomfortable, so yes, my issue not his.

>

> Mia

>

January 10, 2011

Aw. Yes. I work with a particular co-work that has anger issues and narcissistic

traits. Triggers me up the wall.

Especially when I had to draw boundaries and confront this person when they had

been violated. Very difficult considering their angry (and illogical)

personality dynamic.

The first few times I did it, I was shaking before I did. AFter the third time,

it was uncomfortable but not as much as the first few times. I tell myself when

I am in the midst of it that they can't " DO " anything to me where we work (and I

don't think they would otherwise), and I am completely safe. SAFE is a good key

word to say for me.

It also helps me to look at myself and observe my fear and shakiness at a higher

" altitude " . Observance helps me to control it and realize it's there without it

taking a life of its own. My controlling Nada days are over, but I still live

with the triggers.

Joy

>

> Wondering if anyone else feels on edge when people around them are being

> grumpy/angry?

>

> I know this is likely from being around BPD nada for so many years (30ish to

> be close to exact) and I have to realize that other people are NOT nada,

> which of course I do, but there's still something built into me that makes

> me nervous when people around me are being angry/grumpy.

>

> Example, fiance has his kids this weekend. His 4 year old son has just been

> so grumpy & angry and fiance is reacting grumpily too. To top it off, when

> fiance plays one of his computer games, he tends to do the " guy thing " and

> yell at it when things don't go his way. This always puts me on edge.

>

> The kids were fighting over the wii and of course he got on their case, told

> them to shut it off, etc. 4 year old starts screaming... ugh. Makes me so

> damn uncomfortable.

>

> Plus fiance has been super down lately and part of me feels very helpless.

> I have been there. I guess that is his issue. When I was there, I had to

> pull myself out. I can cheer him on but he has to do the work.

>

> Maybe the angriness thing is effecting me more than usual right now because

> of the upcoming surgery on Tuesday, but yes, I do generally feel very

> uncomfortable around angry people. I know this is MY issue and I do

> understand where it stems from, so I guess I " m just wondering a couple of

> things. 1 - am I alone? and 2 - anyone have any tips on how I can stop

> feeling this way?

>

> I mean, if fiance wants to yell at his computer, he has a right to. But it

> makes me uncomfortable, so yes, my issue not his.

>

> Mia

>

January 10, 2011

I think it really says something that you were able to confront this person

and start to overcome that anxiety for having to do it. That's really

awesome!

I know what you mean about the triggers. I sometimes feel like they will

never completely resolve, but then again, I know that some of them certainly

have. But the being around angry people thing... that one still really

really gets to me. I might adopt your " Safe " keyword, that sounds like a

really good word to use in those times when I don't feel safe. Thanks for

that idea.

Mia

>

January 10, 2011

I think it really says something that you were able to confront this person

and start to overcome that anxiety for having to do it. That's really

awesome!

I know what you mean about the triggers. I sometimes feel like they will

never completely resolve, but then again, I know that some of them certainly

have. But the being around angry people thing... that one still really

really gets to me. I might adopt your " Safe " keyword, that sounds like a

really good word to use in those times when I don't feel safe. Thanks for

that idea.

Mia

>

January 10, 2011

I think it really says something that you were able to confront this person

and start to overcome that anxiety for having to do it. That's really

awesome!

I know what you mean about the triggers. I sometimes feel like they will

never completely resolve, but then again, I know that some of them certainly

have. But the being around angry people thing... that one still really

really gets to me. I might adopt your " Safe " keyword, that sounds like a

really good word to use in those times when I don't feel safe. Thanks for

that idea.

Mia

>

January 11, 2011

I talked to T about this last night. She said that actually a lot of people

are uncomfortable with conflict. She said that their are 3 good options. 1)

Leave if you can. Go away and come back later when things are calmer. 2) If

the person is angry with you, you can ask for 10 or 15 min to think about it

before you discuss it. 3) Build a " body bubble " just like the bubble boy.

What happens to me most often is I'll be in a room where 2 people are angry

at each other but it has nothing to do with me. She said I need to practice

separating myself, my feelings about myself etc from their conflict. I'm not

involved and I don't need to take on their feelings.

Does that help anyone?

>

> I think it really says something that you were able to confront this person

> and start to overcome that anxiety for having to do it. That's really

> awesome!

>

> I know what you mean about the triggers. I sometimes feel like they will

> never completely resolve, but then again, I know that some of them

> certainly

> have. But the being around angry people thing... that one still really

> really gets to me. I might adopt your " Safe " keyword, that sounds like a

> really good word to use in those times when I don't feel safe. Thanks for

> that idea.

>

> Mia

>

> >

>

January 11, 2011