Re: CONSTANTLY DEFENDING OURSELVES?

[Guest guest]

Doug, when you're right, you're right. Thanks for reminding me

Laurie

In a message dated 1/4/2011 11:39:12 A.M. Eastern Standard Time,

doug883@... writes:

Yes, Laurie

In retrospect, this is not so hard to understand.

1. BP s are always a victim.

2. BP s are never at fault.

3. Anyone to whom they are talking must be either,

The cause of their problem,

Or Agreeing with them that they are a victim.

Anything outside of these, and you will quickly find them subtly pushing

blame for something in your direction.

Most people would shrug off some of their attempst, but we KO s, because

of the FOG, are keenly tuned to it and it finds its mark.

As Strother said, in Cool Hand Luke,

You got to get yer Mind right~

Doug

>

> Anyone else find that with our BPD parents/relatives, you are

continually

> defending yourself? Over the holidays, I called fada to touch base

on

> what was going on for their 'holidays'........within seconds, I found

myself

> defending myself about 'whatever'.............. Finally, I said

" dad,

> every time I talk to you, suddenly I am defending myself about

something or

> other! Do you think we could have a conversation without placing

judgement,

> questions about what you think I should be doing or not

doing.......just be

> nice to each other???? I told him I hesitate even calling him, ever,

> because I have grown to know how unpleasant the conversation will be "

>

> Shock came next. He apologized, said " case closed " , and changed the

> subject to something pleasant. Granted, I'll probably have to do this

each time

> we speak, but it did turn the conversation around.

>

> Laurie

>

>

> [Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

>

[Guest guest]

Yes, Laurie

In retrospect, this is not so hard to understand.

1. BP s are always a victim.

2. BP s are never at fault.

3. Anyone to whom they are talking must be either,

The cause of their problem,

Or Agreeing with them that they are a victim.

Anything outside of these, and you will quickly find them subtly pushing

blame for something in your direction.

Most people would shrug off some of their attempst, but we KO s, because

of the FOG, are keenly tuned to it and it finds its mark.

As Strother said, in Cool Hand Luke,

You got to get yer Mind right~

Doug

>

> Anyone else find that with our BPD parents/relatives, you are

continually

> defending yourself? Over the holidays, I called fada to touch base

on

> what was going on for their 'holidays'........within seconds, I found

myself

> defending myself about 'whatever'.............. Finally, I said

" dad,

> every time I talk to you, suddenly I am defending myself about

something or

> other! Do you think we could have a conversation without placing

judgement,

> questions about what you think I should be doing or not

doing.......just be

> nice to each other???? I told him I hesitate even calling him, ever,

> because I have grown to know how unpleasant the conversation will be "

>

> Shock came next. He apologized, said " case closed " , and changed the

> subject to something pleasant. Granted, I'll probably have to do this

each time

> we speak, but it did turn the conversation around.

>

> Laurie

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Yes, Laurie

In retrospect, this is not so hard to understand.

1. BP s are always a victim.

2. BP s are never at fault.

3. Anyone to whom they are talking must be either,

The cause of their problem,

Or Agreeing with them that they are a victim.

Anything outside of these, and you will quickly find them subtly pushing

blame for something in your direction.

Most people would shrug off some of their attempst, but we KO s, because

of the FOG, are keenly tuned to it and it finds its mark.

As Strother said, in Cool Hand Luke,

You got to get yer Mind right~

Doug

>

> Anyone else find that with our BPD parents/relatives, you are

continually

> defending yourself? Over the holidays, I called fada to touch base

on

> what was going on for their 'holidays'........within seconds, I found

myself

> defending myself about 'whatever'.............. Finally, I said

" dad,

> every time I talk to you, suddenly I am defending myself about

something or

> other! Do you think we could have a conversation without placing

judgement,

> questions about what you think I should be doing or not

doing.......just be

> nice to each other???? I told him I hesitate even calling him, ever,

> because I have grown to know how unpleasant the conversation will be "

>

> Shock came next. He apologized, said " case closed " , and changed the

> subject to something pleasant. Granted, I'll probably have to do this

each time

> we speak, but it did turn the conversation around.

>

> Laurie

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Yes, Laurie

In retrospect, this is not so hard to understand.

1. BP s are always a victim.

2. BP s are never at fault.

3. Anyone to whom they are talking must be either,

The cause of their problem,

Or Agreeing with them that they are a victim.

Anything outside of these, and you will quickly find them subtly pushing

blame for something in your direction.

Most people would shrug off some of their attempst, but we KO s, because

of the FOG, are keenly tuned to it and it finds its mark.

As Strother said, in Cool Hand Luke,

You got to get yer Mind right~

Doug

>

> Anyone else find that with our BPD parents/relatives, you are

continually

> defending yourself? Over the holidays, I called fada to touch base

on

> what was going on for their 'holidays'........within seconds, I found

myself

> defending myself about 'whatever'.............. Finally, I said

" dad,

> every time I talk to you, suddenly I am defending myself about

something or

> other! Do you think we could have a conversation without placing

judgement,

> questions about what you think I should be doing or not

doing.......just be

> nice to each other???? I told him I hesitate even calling him, ever,

> because I have grown to know how unpleasant the conversation will be "

>

> Shock came next. He apologized, said " case closed " , and changed the

> subject to something pleasant. Granted, I'll probably have to do this

each time

> we speak, but it did turn the conversation around.

>

> Laurie

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Doug, you could not have put it better!

I recently had to move back in with my parents (mother has BPD) and even though

it's only for a few months, things have been so rocky that I don't even know how

I'm going to deal with it sometimes.

What set me off to such a bad start is that I got sick of her first hating me

and then running to me for comfort as soon as she decided she hated someone else

(like my aunt or my brother). I lost my cool with her and just said I couldn't

take how fickle she was anymore; I know I just shouldn't have said anything at

all.

> >

> > Anyone else find that with our BPD parents/relatives, you are

> continually

> > defending yourself? Over the holidays, I called fada to touch base

> on

> > what was going on for their 'holidays'........within seconds, I found

> myself

> > defending myself about 'whatever'.............. Finally, I said

> " dad,

> > every time I talk to you, suddenly I am defending myself about

> something or

> > other! Do you think we could have a conversation without placing

> judgement,

> > questions about what you think I should be doing or not

> doing.......just be

> > nice to each other???? I told him I hesitate even calling him, ever,

> > because I have grown to know how unpleasant the conversation will be "

> >

> > Shock came next. He apologized, said " case closed " , and changed the

> > subject to something pleasant. Granted, I'll probably have to do this

> each time

> > we speak, but it did turn the conversation around.

> >

> > Laurie

> >

> >

> >

[Guest guest]

Laurie, yes yes yes. Constantly. I am rather impressed that your fada did

apologize. That's pretty awesome. I hope (but almost know better) that it

won't turn up again in the future.

Isn't it sad when we talk about our " hopes " for our nadas & fadas that we

really can't invest in them even just a little?

Mia

>

>

> Anyone else find that with our BPD parents/relatives, you are continually

> defending yourself? Over the holidays, I called fada to touch base on

> what was going on for their 'holidays'........within seconds, I found

> myself

> defending myself about 'whatever'.............. Finally, I said " dad,

> every time I talk to you, suddenly I am defending myself about something or

>

> other! Do you think we could have a conversation without placing judgement,

>

> questions about what you think I should be doing or not doing.......just be

>

> nice to each other???? I told him I hesitate even calling him, ever,

> because I have grown to know how unpleasant the conversation will be "

>

> Shock came next. He apologized, said " case closed " , and changed the

> subject to something pleasant. Granted, I'll probably have to do this each

> time

> we speak, but it did turn the conversation around.

>

> Laurie

>

>

[Guest guest]

Laurie, yes yes yes. Constantly. I am rather impressed that your fada did

apologize. That's pretty awesome. I hope (but almost know better) that it

won't turn up again in the future.

Isn't it sad when we talk about our " hopes " for our nadas & fadas that we

really can't invest in them even just a little?

Mia

>

>

> Anyone else find that with our BPD parents/relatives, you are continually

> defending yourself? Over the holidays, I called fada to touch base on

> what was going on for their 'holidays'........within seconds, I found

> myself

> defending myself about 'whatever'.............. Finally, I said " dad,

> every time I talk to you, suddenly I am defending myself about something or

>

> other! Do you think we could have a conversation without placing judgement,

>

> questions about what you think I should be doing or not doing.......just be

>

> nice to each other???? I told him I hesitate even calling him, ever,

> because I have grown to know how unpleasant the conversation will be "

>

> Shock came next. He apologized, said " case closed " , and changed the

> subject to something pleasant. Granted, I'll probably have to do this each

> time

> we speak, but it did turn the conversation around.

>

> Laurie

>

>

[Guest guest]

Laurie, yes yes yes. Constantly. I am rather impressed that your fada did

apologize. That's pretty awesome. I hope (but almost know better) that it

won't turn up again in the future.

Isn't it sad when we talk about our " hopes " for our nadas & fadas that we

really can't invest in them even just a little?

Mia

>

>

> Anyone else find that with our BPD parents/relatives, you are continually

> defending yourself? Over the holidays, I called fada to touch base on

> what was going on for their 'holidays'........within seconds, I found

> myself

> defending myself about 'whatever'.............. Finally, I said " dad,

> every time I talk to you, suddenly I am defending myself about something or

>

> other! Do you think we could have a conversation without placing judgement,

>

> questions about what you think I should be doing or not doing.......just be

>

> nice to each other???? I told him I hesitate even calling him, ever,

> because I have grown to know how unpleasant the conversation will be "

>

> Shock came next. He apologized, said " case closed " , and changed the

> subject to something pleasant. Granted, I'll probably have to do this each

> time

> we speak, but it did turn the conversation around.

>

> Laurie

>

>