Philisophical vs Practical

[Guest guest]

Guys,

We ve had a lot of discussion in recent threads about the philisophical

aspects of BPD. Can they control it, are they bad people, are they

responsible, what do I have to do to be a good son or daughter.

These are all very interesting, and some we will never solve. Can they

control it? I think yes. Some think no. Neither of us can prove it,

nor can professionals.

But the practical realities still exist.

Their sickness affects us. Their behaviors make a normal healthy life

difficult for us. Are we obligated, by virtue of our birth, to accept

being twisted, warped, and abused because , perhaps, it s not thier

fault, they can t control it , or they are sick.

People with Hanson s disease ( Leprosy) are quarantined in colonies.

People with TB are isolated and not permitted to work in certain areas.

These are cruel realities, but they are realities.

As children of parents with BPD, the question for us , I believe,

becomes , not as the FOG tells us, what can I do to fix Mom?

Rather, it becomes, what can I do to be as healthy as possible, given

that I was raised by, and now have an adult parent with BPD?

All of us, every single one of us, has a fond dream of seeing Mom wake

up. We imagine how it would be if one day she realized what she had

been, and apologized to us , vowed to change, got help and really became

that normal Mom we always wanted. We dreamed of a Mom where hysterics

were not the norm, where holidays could be a pleasure , where, as 6 year

old children, we did not have to walk on eggshells to keep Mom from

going off. We blamed ourselves for not finding the way to make all that

happen.

But now we know, as informed adults, that even counselors and

psychiatrists shudder at the prospect of trying to initiate changes in a

BP. We were never going to do it as children. We are never going to do

it as adults. The key to change and healing for them, is entirely with

them.

So what choices to we have?

The choices of the child were few. Adapt, find a way to reconcile it

all that we could live with. This is usually a settlement that created

pain and emotional illness in us. In some cases, the settlement exacts

a price so severe, we bankrupt the store to achieve it. In

psychological terms, that is psychosis. And being the child of a BP can

lead us there. Short of that, we deal with depression, FOG, anxiety,

emotional and sexual dysfunctions, addictions; well, the list is long.

Then, we had no good choice. No adult was going to come rescue us. So

as adults, all the emotional pains I ve just listed were part of the

package we could expect because of being a KO.

But now, as an adult child of a Borderline, though the new ones, those

just realizing who we are, who are parents are, those just beginning

the journey don t realize it, we now do have choices. They are few,

They are hard. But these are the choices we have in the real world.

We can live our lives in the FOG. We can let our lives be controlled by

an emotionally damaged, personality disordered person who will, we

understand, manipulate us to meet unending, impossible, unrealistic

needs. We can accept that we will never be good enough, never come up

to the requirements that they place on us, but that they will pressure

us with FOG to meet them anyway, all their lives. We can understand and

accept that we will never be permitted to have anything, money,

relationships, peace, because our BP parents will demand what we have,

or demand that we invest and spend what we have to try and fill that

endless Hoover vacuum of their needs. We can feel fear, obligation, and

guilt to continue this until they die, regardless of the consequences to

ourselves, our children, our mates, our friends, and our health.

Whether it is their fault or not is moot to this choice. It may or may

not be their fault, but it is surely not OUR fault. But the choice to

change is all theirs, and if they will not make it, and I must say I

have not heard from one single KO on this board who says, oh yes, my BP

mom or dad is in treatment by Dr McLuhan with DBT and is doing very

well. I m open to correction, but our collective experience here seems

to be the same as mine: Mom was actively BPD till the day of her death.

So this is the choice we have made all our lives. This is the choice

all of us are making at the point of our epiphany: Borderline!

Yes, that is what has been going on all my life with mom! This is where

most of us are at the point of coming into this group. And this is

where I was for the first 48 years of my life.

Or

We can determine that there is nothing we can do for them, but much we

can do for ourselves.

We can educate ourselves about Borderline Personality Disorder, and

learn what is going to happen with them.

We can establish boundaries in our lives of what would be normal with

any health relationship, and enforce them with our BP parent.

We can understand the games and manipulations they use, and refuse to

play.

We can determine that our health, and emotions, and relationships, and

kids, take precedence over our BP parent.

We can, despite the pain it causes, and the push back from our BP parent

keep pressing with these changes.

We can seek thru therapy and solid relationships to find our own

healing, whether our BP parent chooses to do so or not.

We never give up hope that they may choose to heal, but we do not let

that hope effect our choice to heal.

These are our choices.

I can t make the choice for you, nor can you make them for me. It is

our own choice.

My choice, and my hope for you, is my traditional closing on this group:

May we all heal.

Doug