Re: I'm submerged in Oz

[Guest guest]

Hey Mia,

Similar situation here. My husband's ex is loony BPD etc etc etc. But not like

everyone says their ex is crazy. People around town actually express

condolences when they hear that she is the ex. She gets out of cars at

stoplights screaming at people, had different men in the house nightly (might

have been in prostitution?), alcoholic, etc. Terrible situation for my

step-daughter to grow up in.

We could do nothing and our hands were tied by the courts. So this young girl

grew up spending nights alone from age 11 and learned to drive herself illegally

home from the bowling alley at age 13 because drunk mother left with some guy.

Anyway, the young lady is now almost 20 and doing remarkably well, as KOs tend

to do. We are an important part of her life now and she has LC with her nada.

She is in college and doing her best to overcome the situation.

We spent years embroiled in this stuff. Like the ex wearing a short shirt with

no underwear when we came by to pick up her daughter, screaming at me from the

door. blah, blah, blah It was crazy-making for us and worse for me because I

felt so bad for my step-daughter in a personal way because of my own nada. And,

of course, we were always the bad guys in the whole thing.

So do your best to limit your emotional involvement, learn detachment, do the

right thing so you can look in the mirror in the morning, and let it go as much

as possible. The kids often stay enmeshed so deeply that your help is limited.

But you can save yourself and be a constant rock for her to come to when she

can. Also, remember that your fiance left his ex for a reason. Don't even

bother wasting your time on jealousy. You are so much better for him.

+Coal Miner's Daughter

>

> So fiance's BPD ex wife kept his daughter home tonight. Why? Because she

> was upset & up late after listening to her mom & dad fight last night.

>

> Yes, they were on the phone last night... texting. There was no verbal

> communication. His ex was not even in the same apartment as the kids with

> their grandma. She was at her apartment up stairs.

>

> I'm really confused how step daughter heard this argument since I didn't

> hear it either! I heard about it as it was happening, but didn't hear it.

>

> His ex is mad because he won't give her money now that their son is pretty

> much done with diapers. She thinks she's entitled to it.

>

> Between his ex & her mother, we only have gotten half truths & flat out lies

> from them today regarding the situation. Fiance is wondering if he should

> talk to the school & let them know things aren't great at the kids' nada's

> house.

>

> I know, again, this is not about my nada. But this is breaking my heart.

> His daughter called him today just to chat and he told her, " Honey you know

> mommy & I don't get along and sometimes we argue, but you know that it is

> not your fault and we both love you. And that I would do anything for you. "

> I heard that very same thing from my father when I was about 19. Poor

> fiance was just bout in tears when they got off of the phone. I just gave

> him a hug & a smile then had to excuse myself for a cigarette so I wouldn't

> burst into tears myself. That was such an awful thing for me to have to

> hear from my dad, I can imagine that it makes his daughter sad too.

>

> I think his ex knows perfectly well that she's lying... like my own nada,

> she uses it to manipulate, hurt & confuse & put her victim into a FOG.

>

> I'm sorry all, I hope you don't mind me posting this here. Since it is BPD

> and we're all learning how to deal with BPDs in our lives... I guess I

> thought it couldn't hurt, but PLEASE correct me if I'm wrong. I guess I'm

> wondering if you guys think he should talk to the school... I told him to

> talk to T about it. But advice from others who have lived in the land of Oz

> is always helpful.

>

> Thank you, Mia

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Hi Mia,

Just in regards to whether or not to post this stuff here versus another

forum...I don't mind at all. In fact, I think it's still very relevant because

you are a KO who is now involved in the life of another KO who is too young to

control some of the decisions that, when dealing with a nada, you want to be in

control of. She doesn't really have the choice to set up certain boundaries, so

as a KO, you're trying to support her.

Since learning about BPD, I've been beginning to wonder about a number of people

I know and whether or not they have a personality disorder. I definitely have

one ex-friend (whom is an ex-friend from her choosing, not mine) who I

definitely think has some kind of personality disorder, but I'm not sure it's

BPD. I remember once I surprised her with a Christmas gift, and a few weeks

later she accused me of giving gifts to people to get them to like me, which is

crazy. If I per chance see something that I know a friend would love

(inexpensive, of course), yes, I might surprise them with it, but it's not to

gain their friendship or to make them like me. Don't friends occasionally do

nice things for each other for no reason other than we're friends? Am I alone in

enjoying doing a nice thing for someone just because I feel like it? She could

not understand this concept. She seemed to think that friendship would only

occur when each individual was gaining some kind of tangible benefit, rather

than just the intangible benefit of friendship.

Based on what I've seen on the general forum, what we experience as KOs is

different than if you are/were a lover or spouse of BPD. So I think that entails

that our reactions to meeting other BPDs and our interactions with them pull

different triggers that only other KOs would understand. There was a thread on

the general forum that someone responded to and asked why they were all so

negative and that they wanted to talk about positive things, etc., about BPD.

And this person was a spouse. I didn't respond, but I really wanted to say, you

know, it's a lot different when you're a kid and it's not your choice. You might

be able to never say something negative about it, but it's been a source of a

lot of negativity in my life as a KO. But my point is, if you didn't grow up

with a BPD parent, then your reaction to a gf or bf or spouse with it will be

different, right?

[Guest guest]

Hi Mia,

Just in regards to whether or not to post this stuff here versus another

forum...I don't mind at all. In fact, I think it's still very relevant because

you are a KO who is now involved in the life of another KO who is too young to

control some of the decisions that, when dealing with a nada, you want to be in

control of. She doesn't really have the choice to set up certain boundaries, so

as a KO, you're trying to support her.

Since learning about BPD, I've been beginning to wonder about a number of people

I know and whether or not they have a personality disorder. I definitely have

one ex-friend (whom is an ex-friend from her choosing, not mine) who I

definitely think has some kind of personality disorder, but I'm not sure it's

BPD. I remember once I surprised her with a Christmas gift, and a few weeks

later she accused me of giving gifts to people to get them to like me, which is

crazy. If I per chance see something that I know a friend would love

(inexpensive, of course), yes, I might surprise them with it, but it's not to

gain their friendship or to make them like me. Don't friends occasionally do

nice things for each other for no reason other than we're friends? Am I alone in

enjoying doing a nice thing for someone just because I feel like it? She could

not understand this concept. She seemed to think that friendship would only

occur when each individual was gaining some kind of tangible benefit, rather

than just the intangible benefit of friendship.

Based on what I've seen on the general forum, what we experience as KOs is

different than if you are/were a lover or spouse of BPD. So I think that entails

that our reactions to meeting other BPDs and our interactions with them pull

different triggers that only other KOs would understand. There was a thread on

the general forum that someone responded to and asked why they were all so

negative and that they wanted to talk about positive things, etc., about BPD.

And this person was a spouse. I didn't respond, but I really wanted to say, you

know, it's a lot different when you're a kid and it's not your choice. You might

be able to never say something negative about it, but it's been a source of a

lot of negativity in my life as a KO. But my point is, if you didn't grow up

with a BPD parent, then your reaction to a gf or bf or spouse with it will be

different, right?

[Guest guest]

Hi Mia,

Just in regards to whether or not to post this stuff here versus another

forum...I don't mind at all. In fact, I think it's still very relevant because

you are a KO who is now involved in the life of another KO who is too young to

control some of the decisions that, when dealing with a nada, you want to be in

control of. She doesn't really have the choice to set up certain boundaries, so

as a KO, you're trying to support her.

Since learning about BPD, I've been beginning to wonder about a number of people

I know and whether or not they have a personality disorder. I definitely have

one ex-friend (whom is an ex-friend from her choosing, not mine) who I

definitely think has some kind of personality disorder, but I'm not sure it's

BPD. I remember once I surprised her with a Christmas gift, and a few weeks

later she accused me of giving gifts to people to get them to like me, which is

crazy. If I per chance see something that I know a friend would love

(inexpensive, of course), yes, I might surprise them with it, but it's not to

gain their friendship or to make them like me. Don't friends occasionally do

nice things for each other for no reason other than we're friends? Am I alone in

enjoying doing a nice thing for someone just because I feel like it? She could

not understand this concept. She seemed to think that friendship would only

occur when each individual was gaining some kind of tangible benefit, rather

than just the intangible benefit of friendship.

Based on what I've seen on the general forum, what we experience as KOs is

different than if you are/were a lover or spouse of BPD. So I think that entails

that our reactions to meeting other BPDs and our interactions with them pull

different triggers that only other KOs would understand. There was a thread on

the general forum that someone responded to and asked why they were all so

negative and that they wanted to talk about positive things, etc., about BPD.

And this person was a spouse. I didn't respond, but I really wanted to say, you

know, it's a lot different when you're a kid and it's not your choice. You might

be able to never say something negative about it, but it's been a source of a

lot of negativity in my life as a KO. But my point is, if you didn't grow up

with a BPD parent, then your reaction to a gf or bf or spouse with it will be

different, right?