my mother is very sick

[Guest guest]

I havent' been posting in a while because I feel like what I am dealing with

specifically isn't really a good fit for this board right now. But I wanted to

throw this out, just to see if it is anyone else's experience here and how

people think it fits in with BPD. I have been reliving my childhood watching my

mother (not) deal with the borderline (my sister in law) that is living in her

house. I have seen her go more and more into denial, placate the bpd more and

more, refuse to confront her on the cleaning issues, the neglect issues with the

children, etc. She rationalizes, she makes excuses and more and more she

disengages and flat out denies. She is the adult child of a compulsive

gambler/alcoholic/pedophile, her mother died when she was ten.

My mother has a job and is well-liked. She functions in society and no one would

ever call her 'crazy'. She is in no way histrionic, EVER. She is rarely

emotionally demonstrative in a negative way. But she did not protect me from her

father, in fact she packed up both my sister and I and sent us to stay with him

for a week, knowing he would be drunk the whole time and knowing we would be

sleeping in his bed with him (I went one summer and sister went the next, he

lived with his own sister). His sister was aware of the abuse and did not

intervene.

My father was abusive of me also and my mother did not intervene, except when he

physically attacked me, she would get between us. Watching her not protect these

kids (or intervene on their behalf to the mom about cleaning and supervision,

they aren't being beaten or anything) has really put me back in childhood in an

almost paralyzing way. I feel like I am in an abyss, and being crushed, watching

her concede territory daily to this BPD in the household and actually prop her

up. It is like a nightmare because it is living a current nightmare and going

through memories of the past one at the same time. She had no empathy and would

not validate any abuse of me that occurred. If I told her, like I did after I

had my first gynecological appointment, that it was apparent to the obgyn that I

had serious internal scarring, she literally looked down and did not acknowledge

it. She had zero curiosity about what might have happened to me and when. WHAT

KIND OF MOTHER DOES THIS? When my sister and I compared notes and told her we'd

been abused by her father, she dismissed it, continued to allow him to babysit

and visit all the time, and even sent my brother to stay with him for a week the

following summer. She still has his photos up everywhere and talks about him

fondly.

Can anyone relate to this very specific behavior of refusing to protect children

from predators, refusing to validate or acknowledge abuse that has occurred,

refusing to ever give credence to anything an insane person is doing that points

to mental instability? I swear to god, she just 'goes away'. It's literally like

she is no longer in her body. I don't know what to call it other than a

dissociative disorder, denial is not nearly strong enough a word for what this

is. it made me crazy growing up. So many times she 'checked out' when I needed

her in one way or another. She is like a robot going through the motions. But

don't expect her to ever acknowledge ANY abuse that happened or is happening to

you.

Another story from my childhood, actually I was in my teens and visiting my

grandmother (on the other side of the family). My uncle came home with a two

year old girl whose mother he had met on the bus to somewhere, rumors later on

were that a 'trade' had taken place for drugs, I don't know why he had her but

apparently he had a history with the mother. At some point during the visit, she

went up to my grandmother and and said " when X (my uncle) sleeps with me, he

plays with my behind " . NO ONE stepped in to help this child. I don't even

remember when the mother showed up to get her...I remember asking my grandmother

about it, and she got the meanest look on her face when I repeated what the

little girl said, and she said, in a very severe and hateful tone, " Children

LIE. " This is the story of my family. Over and over again it is one story after

another just like this. Stepford mothers who walk around like zombies protecting

themselves from seeing the children in their midst being mistreated. Actually

<<that sentence sums up this whole post. The stepford behavior is literally

making me sick to my stomach lately. What causes this robotic denial? I mean, I

know it is abuse, but if the person is not a histrionic witch or queen, they can

literally go through life with everyone loving them, eating them up, calling

them things like 'sweet and kind' meanwhile they are committing the most hideous

dereliction of duty as a parent, or as a human, the refusal to see abuse right

in front of them, or act in any way to stop it. It's NOT THAT HARD. All my

mother would have had to do was not send us to the grandfather, not allow him to

babysit. But she didn't. And even today, with all that has been said and thrown

into the light of day by me about his abuse, she still talks of him fondly.

Maybe I am the one that is crazy.

Sorry to once again run on so long, I have been feeling extremely nuts lately. I

need therapy and can't afford it I guess. Any light anyone might be able to shed

on this would be very much appreciated.