Waiting for the other shoe...

[Guest guest]

Five years ago, I cut off all contact with my mother, following 24 years of her

erratic swings between obsessive/emotionally abusive behavior. The straw that

broke my back: A series of majorly abusive meltdowns over the course of two

years brought on by my impending wedding and exacerbated by my grandmother's

death.

About two years ago, after a lot of therapy for me, I started speaking to my

mother again. Partially, I wanted to be able to have a relationship with my

other family members that didn't involve sneaking into and out of my hometown

when I knew my mom wouldn't be there. Partially, I felt the need to prove to

myself (and my husband) that I could stand up to my mother and deal with her

while drawing boundaries to protect myself and my family.

For the most part, this has worked out pretty well. I set boundaries at the

outset, and I've stuck to them. For a while, she mostly refrained from pushing

the boundaries and responded well when I called her on it.

But here's the thing, though: I'm not happy. I'm not really enjoying having her

back in my life. Some of it is that she's started pushing my lines a little more

frequently. But largely, it's that I don't trust her, and I don't know that I

ever can. I feel like I'm constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop...for

circumstances to hit the perfect storm of emotional stress that makes her fly

off the deep end again. She's done this off and on throughout my entire life,

mostly to other people, but more and more often to me, too. I know it's only a

matter of time. Meanwhile, I can tell in every interaction we have that she's

desperate to feel like she and I are best friends with no boundaries and nothing

but love. And it's stressful and EXHAUSTING to navigate that behavior.

Worse, there are a couple of potential triggers on the horizon. My grandpa is

pretty clearly going downhill. He'll probably die in a year or two. And my

husband and I are ready to have a child and are planning on going off birth

control in the next few months. Either of these things (or, horrors, both at the

same time) are very likely to bring my mother's abandonment issues and need for

validation to the forefront. I feel like I'm sitting under a storm cloud that's

getting darker and darker. I have dreams now, on a regular basis, where she

shows up and attacks me, or tries to manipulate me, or just adds to the stress

of an already stressful situation.

I don't know what to do. She's not really done anything to warrant cutting her

off again. But having her in my life ... it just feels like long periods of

peace punctuated by the stressful, draining moments when she calls, or writes,

or I have to visit her in person. I feel awful. Like I'm not giving her a

chance. But I don't really think that attitude is fair to myself, either, given

her track record. But, then again, I feel like I'm just sitting here, waiting

for her to go nuts again.

Has anyone else had this kind of experience?

Mostly, I just wanted to vent.

Thank you for listening.