Re: this point on the path

November 22, 2010

I recently wrote my mother and told her point blank that she protects her own

comfort level at the expense of everyone else and that she will never seek

therapy because it might in some way trigger her to re-experience emotionally

what happened to her as a child. And that no matter what is at stake, she won't

confront that, ever. It was very liberating. A few days later I said the same

thing to her face. It didn't change anything but it just verbalized what I have

been feeling for years. She comes first. She didn't protect me from her father,

from my father, and there are children whose situation she could improve right

now but she won't, because almighty mom's mental paralysis must be maintained at

all costs to everyone around her and any minor dependent on her. it felt good to

get that out.

>

> I am trying to detach. That's the place on the path where I am now.

>

> A lot of you, most of you in this group, are farther along on this path.

>

> I realize what's at stake here and that it's up to me to do this work, to

understand that I can't make her happy, that I can't change her mind about

ANYTHING, that I can't alleviate her pain. I still tell myself: Well, at least

you can LESSEN her pain by not sparking any conflicts.

>

> But then, as always, it is all about her pain. Everything has always been all

about her pain -- everything, as if her pain (her fear, her self-loathing, her

shame) is a big ever-present stalker who follows us everywhere, but on whom we

are not allowed to call the cops.

>

> She refuses, has always refused, to seek therapy. She says she already knows

what any therapist would say (she doesn't) and that it won't help. I'm sick of

urging her to do even minimal things to ease her misery -- eat, see a therapist

(it would cost nothing), read a book. She just shouts no.

>

> My choice is to maintain this endless fruitless argument or learn how to be an

adult and detach. This is hard. I live nearly 1,000 miles away from her and only

visit once a year, and do have a life and career of sorts, but even so.

>

> It's hard. I realize, from reading your posts, that most of you have passed

this point a long, long time ago.

>

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