Re: Frustrated With the BPD Books that say....

[Guest guest]

In my own case, I view what you're describing, Doug, as " detachment " , and

that's a good, healthy thing to achieve when someone is actively engaged in

attempting to hurt you.

For me, its simply deciding to not allow nada to abuse me any longer. Its

understanding and accepting that she is the way she is and can't or won't

change, and just... walking away from it and getting on with my own life. It's

not hate: I don't want to hurt her, and despite my fantasies of children with

high-powered lawyers, I don't want to " out " her, humiliate her, shame her, or

get revenge against her, either, but at the same time I can't pardon what she's

done to me and I don't love her; I simply don't want to be around her any more.

This has been a hard road for me, because my nada isn't all-bad. She's no

2-dimensional super-villain that everyone loves to boo and hiss. I know she has

a good side, I've felt her love for me, and I've spent my life aching to love

her without fear. But as a member at another support group put it, even if the

beautiful, delicious-looking cake has arsenic in it at only 2% of the total

ingredients, the cake will still kill you. No matter how many pretty sugar-roses

are on it, that 2% still makes it deadly.

So... I'm am at the point of... neutrality. Hate and Love both connect one

person to another, and I'm about reaching a state of non- connectedness, now.

My own personal definition of " forgiveness " has to do with a two-way

interaction. It has to do with realizing and caring that you've hurt someone,

seeking forgiveness from the person you've wronged, understanding how you've

hurt them, expressing genuine remorse, offering atonement, promising to not do

the hurtful thing again, and following through with the promise.

I've spent a lifetime forgiving my nada over and over and over and over again,

only to realize over and over again that her tears and remorse and promises are

very short-lived, and probably not based on anything other than her own fears of

abandonment. I don't think my nada has ever genuinely cared that she hurt me;

when she begs for forgiveness, its all about wiping her slate clean and becoming

perfect again.

So, my path to healing and peace may or may not include more forgiveness; at

this point another offering of forgiveness doesn't seem likely. But I truly

believe that I can achieve inner peace and joy and healing simply through

detachment, I feel I'm on my way there now. Just deciding, " ...no more... " is

very empowering for me.

I realize that each of us must seek his or her own path to peace and healing,

and if formally forgiving your nada works for you, then that's great. That's

what its all about, now: what works for each of us.

-Annie

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[Guest guest]

Very wise words Doug and thank you for sharing them. Forgiveness is not really

even about nada...it's about us. It's about refusing to carry the toxic bag she

handed us. That's the way I think of it. Forgiveness is hard but it does always

come back even if I lose temporary sight of it in an attack.

The distinction you make is a very important one. Forgiveness does not make the

abuse or the attacks okay. It just means you won't be holding it against them

any more, you won't be carrying that bag any more and instead you will reset

your own expectations concerning nada, readjust your thoughts about nada and be

better able to cope with the situation without maintaining hate and anger.

Giving yourself time to get there is key.

The one thing I never wanted was to become so angry and hateful that I became

like her. To me, that would be a fate worse than death. To never know what

true love is. To never know what its like to have people by your side loving

and supporting you because you love and support them. That tough.

Something I learned in ACOA was that we are who our parents raised us to be...if

we stay that way, it's our choice. I was raised to be invisible,

self-sacrificing to the point of deep emotional pain to avoid conflict, people

pleasing to the max, knowing I was flawed, wrong and could never trust what I

felt. I chose to forgive and NOT stay that way. My nada gave me a lot of

unhealthy traits but when I forgave her, I learned I could choose to exercise

control over those traits, I could heal the place those traits were born and I

could choose to love myself and be a healthy and strong individual deserving of

love.

It can be done but forgiveness, self-love and compassion are the easiest ways

there IMHO.

Many blessings to you.

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