Why am I not that person?

[Guest guest]

My BPD mother (yes, maybe someday I will call her nada, but five years of

Spanish taught me that nada means nothing and she is not nothing even as a

mother but yes, she did nearly ruin my life so let's not get stuck on semantics)

is a mean nasty miserable person. Right now she is old and disabled and clearly

in the early to middle stages of dementia, hallucinating and nodding off all the

time. But she refuses to see a doctor about this. She cancels the appointments I

make for her, and she rages at me " How dare you make appointments for me? " ...

Then she goes back to telling me how sad and scared and miserable and suicidal

she feels. Begging for help, then refusing all help. So I feel useless and cruel

and paralyzed and angry. Nobody wants to go to their doctors and get tested for

dementia -- no one. So can I blame her for being so upset about this? No? Yes? I

don't even know. It's just the same old BPD thing where she's the most negative

unhappy person on earth and her unhappiness controls everything and everyone's

life.

Does she have legitimate reasons to be unhappy? Yes. Old. Disabled. Widowed.

Can't drive anymore. Getting demented. No relatives (who haven't gone NC) except

me.

Does she have legitimate reasons not to be unhappy? Who knows. Alive. Has at

least one person on earth who cares about her. Has her own home to live in. Has

a paid helper who helps. Not in pain.

Society would say, " FORCE her to see her doctor asap. TAKE her to the doctor

yourSELF. " ... Ah, but society doesn't have a BPD parent.

Is it a BPD thing, this dynamic where they make it impossible to help them, then

make you feel terrible for being unable to help them? Where they're crying and

screaming all the time, sad and furious, but when you try to help they either

(a) undo your efforts, ( criticize your efforts, © ignore your efforts,

and/or (d) make things worse....

I'm not fishing for gratitude. I know she has troubles and I can't expect her to

.... I don't even know what to say here, as our reality as the children of BPDs

is so skewed. How do normal parents who are depressed and troubled and ill treat

their children? Do they let their children help them? Do they scream and curse

at their children? Do they tell their children in every conversation that they

want to kill themselves?

How can I be angry at someone who's in terrible shape? Someone with a terrible

life?

Husband says BPD Mom gave herself that terrible life by making terrible choices

that impacted her health bigtime. Having BPD, she would never understand that,

and although it has been explained to her -- while she was making those choices

-- she just kept at it, because BPDs never learn from their experiences and act

like three-year-olds (without the joy).

I am about to make yet another doctor's appointment for her, but I cannot force

her to go, short of flying 500 miles and shoving her into a taxi (I don't drive

either). And you know ... other adults would do that for their parents. They

would say, " I love Dad or Mom so much that I'll get him or her the best care

possible by any means necessary. " Why don't I say that? Why am I not that

person? Hmmm....

But I'm so conflicted. I try and she rejects my help. Again. Again. Nothing will

change her. Seeing the doctor will only get us a diagnosis, which will allow me

to make some decisions regarding her future care (so it's out of her hands -- oh

just what I love, additional responsibility over the life of a mean nasty

paranoid BPD).

Sorry to ramble here. Just got off the phone after a very conflicting

long-distance conversation.