Re: Message from step sister

[Guest guest]

" And the rockets red glare, the bombs bursting in air, gave proof through the

night, that BPD was still there.... "

After 2+ years of therapy I can say this with a clear conscious:

YOU CAN CARE WITHOUT GETTING INVOLVED.

That means text her that you're sorry she's having troubles (or Nada is having

troubles, or the dog pee'd on the carpet - whatever) and go about your day. The

BPD wants to consume you with their issues... as a KO we are defined by that

consumption. However, once you break free and no longer feel the need to be IN

their troubles as a way to continually validate your role in this life, you are

free to be in YOUR life and just offer sympathy. The BPD WILL get their needs

met (which is why they exhaust people) but it doesn't have to be by YOU! There

are a lot of 'wanna be Saviours' out there... let your Sis and Nada shop, and

find, one of them.

Go on with your life and 'smile and wave.'

Congrats on the 4.0!!! I know the work involved and the focus that takes...

WTG!

Lynnette, ABD (Soon Dr. Lynnette - 2011)

>

> Sigh, where do I start?

>

> So when I went NC with nada after moving out of state (long story), my step

> sister (nada's husband's daughter) kept sending me messages on facebook that

> I should call nada, blah blah blah. I tried to set my boundaries and asked

> her not to bring up nada because I didn't want to talk about it.

>

> Well, she sent a few more, one which I think was most likely a lie based on

> manipulation by nada, I don't know. Something about, " Just thought you'd

> want to know that your mom had surgery & is doing fine " . I simply replied

> along the lines of " glad she's ok " . If you knew my nada and how she'd

> probably never go to the doctor unless she was bleeding out her eyes, you'd

> know why this raises a red flag for me.

>

> Well I continued to have step sister on my facebook for quite a while.

> However, in the end before I removed her, she was becoming very

> nada-like... very negative. She wasn't commenting on any of the positive

> messages I was posting in regards to school & being a 4.0 student, but would

> take the time to comment on a little rant about people in my house not

> picking up after themselves with something like " Looks like it's time to

> find a new place to live " . Really? She doesn't even have the first clue

> about my situation. Anyway, it was after that " dig " that I removed her.

>

> Well, it took her a while to realize that I had and I got a message from her

> asking why I took her off. I didn't reply. Now she's messaged me again.

>

> She was having some health issues last I knew about which I do totally feel

> for her about having health issues of my own. But this message just strikes

> up that fear feeling in my gut and makes me feel like... well, like a kid.

> And being a KO I'm sure you all have a pretty good idea of how great that

> was (not).

>

> Her message says:

>

> " Just wanted to say Hello....Im sorry please dont think I was stalking, just

> been thinking of you and finally decided why not..hope you had a nice

> holiday..I had a really bad accident and ended up having a major surgery had

> to get a spinal cord stimulator placed on my spine, still hoping they can

> save my leg but thats day to day..well just know I still think of you hope

> your well and happy! take care Love, [her name] "

>

> I knew about the stimulator and the problems she was having. Again, I feel

> for her but I just don't feel comfortable with her after she violated my

> clear boundaries of not wanting to talk about nada with her and then had a

> very nada-like negativity in regards to my posts.

>

> I just read it to fiance who just looked at me puzzled & said, " that's

> weird " .

>

> Is it? Am I blowing this out of proportion or am I justified? I just don't

> know. I would love to NOT blow her off but again, I can't help but get that

> gut feeling of red flags going up all over the place.

>

> Didn't need this right now.

>

> Mia

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

" And the rockets red glare, the bombs bursting in air, gave proof through the

night, that BPD was still there.... "

After 2+ years of therapy I can say this with a clear conscious:

YOU CAN CARE WITHOUT GETTING INVOLVED.

That means text her that you're sorry she's having troubles (or Nada is having

troubles, or the dog pee'd on the carpet - whatever) and go about your day. The

BPD wants to consume you with their issues... as a KO we are defined by that

consumption. However, once you break free and no longer feel the need to be IN

their troubles as a way to continually validate your role in this life, you are

free to be in YOUR life and just offer sympathy. The BPD WILL get their needs

met (which is why they exhaust people) but it doesn't have to be by YOU! There

are a lot of 'wanna be Saviours' out there... let your Sis and Nada shop, and

find, one of them.

Go on with your life and 'smile and wave.'

Congrats on the 4.0!!! I know the work involved and the focus that takes...

WTG!

Lynnette, ABD (Soon Dr. Lynnette - 2011)

>

> Sigh, where do I start?

>

> So when I went NC with nada after moving out of state (long story), my step

> sister (nada's husband's daughter) kept sending me messages on facebook that

> I should call nada, blah blah blah. I tried to set my boundaries and asked

> her not to bring up nada because I didn't want to talk about it.

>

> Well, she sent a few more, one which I think was most likely a lie based on

> manipulation by nada, I don't know. Something about, " Just thought you'd

> want to know that your mom had surgery & is doing fine " . I simply replied

> along the lines of " glad she's ok " . If you knew my nada and how she'd

> probably never go to the doctor unless she was bleeding out her eyes, you'd

> know why this raises a red flag for me.

>

> Well I continued to have step sister on my facebook for quite a while.

> However, in the end before I removed her, she was becoming very

> nada-like... very negative. She wasn't commenting on any of the positive

> messages I was posting in regards to school & being a 4.0 student, but would

> take the time to comment on a little rant about people in my house not

> picking up after themselves with something like " Looks like it's time to

> find a new place to live " . Really? She doesn't even have the first clue

> about my situation. Anyway, it was after that " dig " that I removed her.

>

> Well, it took her a while to realize that I had and I got a message from her

> asking why I took her off. I didn't reply. Now she's messaged me again.

>

> She was having some health issues last I knew about which I do totally feel

> for her about having health issues of my own. But this message just strikes

> up that fear feeling in my gut and makes me feel like... well, like a kid.

> And being a KO I'm sure you all have a pretty good idea of how great that

> was (not).

>

> Her message says:

>

> " Just wanted to say Hello....Im sorry please dont think I was stalking, just

> been thinking of you and finally decided why not..hope you had a nice

> holiday..I had a really bad accident and ended up having a major surgery had

> to get a spinal cord stimulator placed on my spine, still hoping they can

> save my leg but thats day to day..well just know I still think of you hope

> your well and happy! take care Love, [her name] "

>

> I knew about the stimulator and the problems she was having. Again, I feel

> for her but I just don't feel comfortable with her after she violated my

> clear boundaries of not wanting to talk about nada with her and then had a

> very nada-like negativity in regards to my posts.

>

> I just read it to fiance who just looked at me puzzled & said, " that's

> weird " .

>

> Is it? Am I blowing this out of proportion or am I justified? I just don't

> know. I would love to NOT blow her off but again, I can't help but get that

> gut feeling of red flags going up all over the place.

>

> Didn't need this right now.

>

> Mia

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

" And the rockets red glare, the bombs bursting in air, gave proof through the

night, that BPD was still there.... "

After 2+ years of therapy I can say this with a clear conscious:

YOU CAN CARE WITHOUT GETTING INVOLVED.

That means text her that you're sorry she's having troubles (or Nada is having

troubles, or the dog pee'd on the carpet - whatever) and go about your day. The

BPD wants to consume you with their issues... as a KO we are defined by that

consumption. However, once you break free and no longer feel the need to be IN

their troubles as a way to continually validate your role in this life, you are

free to be in YOUR life and just offer sympathy. The BPD WILL get their needs

met (which is why they exhaust people) but it doesn't have to be by YOU! There

are a lot of 'wanna be Saviours' out there... let your Sis and Nada shop, and

find, one of them.

Go on with your life and 'smile and wave.'

Congrats on the 4.0!!! I know the work involved and the focus that takes...

WTG!

Lynnette, ABD (Soon Dr. Lynnette - 2011)

>

> Sigh, where do I start?

>

> So when I went NC with nada after moving out of state (long story), my step

> sister (nada's husband's daughter) kept sending me messages on facebook that

> I should call nada, blah blah blah. I tried to set my boundaries and asked

> her not to bring up nada because I didn't want to talk about it.

>

> Well, she sent a few more, one which I think was most likely a lie based on

> manipulation by nada, I don't know. Something about, " Just thought you'd

> want to know that your mom had surgery & is doing fine " . I simply replied

> along the lines of " glad she's ok " . If you knew my nada and how she'd

> probably never go to the doctor unless she was bleeding out her eyes, you'd

> know why this raises a red flag for me.

>

> Well I continued to have step sister on my facebook for quite a while.

> However, in the end before I removed her, she was becoming very

> nada-like... very negative. She wasn't commenting on any of the positive

> messages I was posting in regards to school & being a 4.0 student, but would

> take the time to comment on a little rant about people in my house not

> picking up after themselves with something like " Looks like it's time to

> find a new place to live " . Really? She doesn't even have the first clue

> about my situation. Anyway, it was after that " dig " that I removed her.

>

> Well, it took her a while to realize that I had and I got a message from her

> asking why I took her off. I didn't reply. Now she's messaged me again.

>

> She was having some health issues last I knew about which I do totally feel

> for her about having health issues of my own. But this message just strikes

> up that fear feeling in my gut and makes me feel like... well, like a kid.

> And being a KO I'm sure you all have a pretty good idea of how great that

> was (not).

>

> Her message says:

>

> " Just wanted to say Hello....Im sorry please dont think I was stalking, just

> been thinking of you and finally decided why not..hope you had a nice

> holiday..I had a really bad accident and ended up having a major surgery had

> to get a spinal cord stimulator placed on my spine, still hoping they can

> save my leg but thats day to day..well just know I still think of you hope

> your well and happy! take care Love, [her name] "

>

> I knew about the stimulator and the problems she was having. Again, I feel

> for her but I just don't feel comfortable with her after she violated my

> clear boundaries of not wanting to talk about nada with her and then had a

> very nada-like negativity in regards to my posts.

>

> I just read it to fiance who just looked at me puzzled & said, " that's

> weird " .

>

> Is it? Am I blowing this out of proportion or am I justified? I just don't

> know. I would love to NOT blow her off but again, I can't help but get that

> gut feeling of red flags going up all over the place.

>

> Didn't need this right now.

>

> Mia

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Mia,

I don't see anything in what you quote of this message that

taken as a single message is anything that ought to provoke a

big reaction, especially if you know she really is having severe

health issues. It could be that she's trying to reconnect with

you and just doing it awkwardly. However taking it in

combination with the Facebook behavior you describe, is another

matter. She seems to have shown herself to be your nada's flying

monkey in the past and she has a history of being negative

towards you. It doesn't sound like she's given you any reason to

think she's changed. If you're not comfortable having much

contact with her, I think that's a reasonable reaction under the

circumstances. It is possible that she's seen the light and

isn't being influenced so much by your nada now but I think you

have to trust your impressions and feelings where this is

concerned. Having contact with a nada's flying monkeys can be

almost as bad as having contact with the nada.

At 01:22 AM 01/10/2011 Justi3 wrote:

>Sigh, where do I start?

>

>So when I went NC with nada after moving out of state (long

>story), my step

>sister (nada's husband's daughter) kept sending me messages on

>facebook that

>I should call nada, blah blah blah. I tried to set my

>boundaries and asked

>her not to bring up nada because I didn't want to talk about

>it.

>

>Well, she sent a few more, one which I think was most likely a

>lie based on

>manipulation by nada, I don't know. Something about, " Just

>thought you'd

>want to know that your mom had surgery & is doing fine " . I

>simply replied

>along the lines of " glad she's ok " . If you knew my nada and

>how she'd

>probably never go to the doctor unless she was bleeding out her

>eyes, you'd

>know why this raises a red flag for me.

>

>Well I continued to have step sister on my facebook for quite a

>while.

> However, in the end before I removed her, she was becoming

> very

>nada-like... very negative. She wasn't commenting on any of

>the positive

>messages I was posting in regards to school & being a 4.0

>student, but would

>take the time to comment on a little rant about people in my

>house not

>picking up after themselves with something like " Looks like

>it's time to

>find a new place to live " . Really? She doesn't even have the

>first clue

>about my situation. Anyway, it was after that " dig " that I

>removed her.

>

>Well, it took her a while to realize that I had and I got a

>message from her

>asking why I took her off. I didn't reply. Now she's messaged

>me again.

>

>She was having some health issues last I knew about which I do

>totally feel

>for her about having health issues of my own. But this message

>just strikes

>up that fear feeling in my gut and makes me feel like... well,

>like a kid.

> And being a KO I'm sure you all have a pretty good idea of

> how great that

>was (not).

>

>Her message says:

>

> " Just wanted to say Hello....Im sorry please dont think I was

>stalking, just

>been thinking of you and finally decided why not..hope you had

>a nice

>holiday..I had a really bad accident and ended up having a

>major surgery had

>to get a spinal cord stimulator placed on my spine, still

>hoping they can

>save my leg but thats day to day..well just know I still think

>of you hope

>your well and happy! take care Love, [her name] "

>

>I knew about the stimulator and the problems she was

>having. Again, I feel

>for her but I just don't feel comfortable with her after she

>violated my

>clear boundaries of not wanting to talk about nada with her and

>then had a

>very nada-like negativity in regards to my posts.

>

>I just read it to fiance who just looked at me puzzled & said,

> " that's

>weird " .

>

>Is it? Am I blowing this out of proportion or am I

>justified? I just don't

>know. I would love to NOT blow her off but again, I can't help

>but get that

>gut feeling of red flags going up all over the place.

>

>Didn't need this right now.

>

>Mia

--

Katrina

[Guest guest]

Mia,

I don't see anything in what you quote of this message that

taken as a single message is anything that ought to provoke a

big reaction, especially if you know she really is having severe

health issues. It could be that she's trying to reconnect with

you and just doing it awkwardly. However taking it in

combination with the Facebook behavior you describe, is another

matter. She seems to have shown herself to be your nada's flying

monkey in the past and she has a history of being negative

towards you. It doesn't sound like she's given you any reason to

think she's changed. If you're not comfortable having much

contact with her, I think that's a reasonable reaction under the

circumstances. It is possible that she's seen the light and

isn't being influenced so much by your nada now but I think you

have to trust your impressions and feelings where this is

concerned. Having contact with a nada's flying monkeys can be

almost as bad as having contact with the nada.

At 01:22 AM 01/10/2011 Justi3 wrote:

>Sigh, where do I start?

>

>So when I went NC with nada after moving out of state (long

>story), my step

>sister (nada's husband's daughter) kept sending me messages on

>facebook that

>I should call nada, blah blah blah. I tried to set my

>boundaries and asked

>her not to bring up nada because I didn't want to talk about

>it.

>

>Well, she sent a few more, one which I think was most likely a

>lie based on

>manipulation by nada, I don't know. Something about, " Just

>thought you'd

>want to know that your mom had surgery & is doing fine " . I

>simply replied

>along the lines of " glad she's ok " . If you knew my nada and

>how she'd

>probably never go to the doctor unless she was bleeding out her

>eyes, you'd

>know why this raises a red flag for me.

>

>Well I continued to have step sister on my facebook for quite a

>while.

> However, in the end before I removed her, she was becoming

> very

>nada-like... very negative. She wasn't commenting on any of

>the positive

>messages I was posting in regards to school & being a 4.0

>student, but would

>take the time to comment on a little rant about people in my

>house not

>picking up after themselves with something like " Looks like

>it's time to

>find a new place to live " . Really? She doesn't even have the

>first clue

>about my situation. Anyway, it was after that " dig " that I

>removed her.

>

>Well, it took her a while to realize that I had and I got a

>message from her

>asking why I took her off. I didn't reply. Now she's messaged

>me again.

>

>She was having some health issues last I knew about which I do

>totally feel

>for her about having health issues of my own. But this message

>just strikes

>up that fear feeling in my gut and makes me feel like... well,

>like a kid.

> And being a KO I'm sure you all have a pretty good idea of

> how great that

>was (not).

>

>Her message says:

>

> " Just wanted to say Hello....Im sorry please dont think I was

>stalking, just

>been thinking of you and finally decided why not..hope you had

>a nice

>holiday..I had a really bad accident and ended up having a

>major surgery had

>to get a spinal cord stimulator placed on my spine, still

>hoping they can

>save my leg but thats day to day..well just know I still think

>of you hope

>your well and happy! take care Love, [her name] "

>

>I knew about the stimulator and the problems she was

>having. Again, I feel

>for her but I just don't feel comfortable with her after she

>violated my

>clear boundaries of not wanting to talk about nada with her and

>then had a

>very nada-like negativity in regards to my posts.

>

>I just read it to fiance who just looked at me puzzled & said,

> " that's

>weird " .

>

>Is it? Am I blowing this out of proportion or am I

>justified? I just don't

>know. I would love to NOT blow her off but again, I can't help

>but get that

>gut feeling of red flags going up all over the place.

>

>Didn't need this right now.

>

>Mia

--

Katrina

[Guest guest]

Mia,

I don't see anything in what you quote of this message that

taken as a single message is anything that ought to provoke a

big reaction, especially if you know she really is having severe

health issues. It could be that she's trying to reconnect with

you and just doing it awkwardly. However taking it in

combination with the Facebook behavior you describe, is another

matter. She seems to have shown herself to be your nada's flying

monkey in the past and she has a history of being negative

towards you. It doesn't sound like she's given you any reason to

think she's changed. If you're not comfortable having much

contact with her, I think that's a reasonable reaction under the

circumstances. It is possible that she's seen the light and

isn't being influenced so much by your nada now but I think you

have to trust your impressions and feelings where this is

concerned. Having contact with a nada's flying monkeys can be

almost as bad as having contact with the nada.

At 01:22 AM 01/10/2011 Justi3 wrote:

>Sigh, where do I start?

>

>So when I went NC with nada after moving out of state (long

>story), my step

>sister (nada's husband's daughter) kept sending me messages on

>facebook that

>I should call nada, blah blah blah. I tried to set my

>boundaries and asked

>her not to bring up nada because I didn't want to talk about

>it.

>

>Well, she sent a few more, one which I think was most likely a

>lie based on

>manipulation by nada, I don't know. Something about, " Just

>thought you'd

>want to know that your mom had surgery & is doing fine " . I

>simply replied

>along the lines of " glad she's ok " . If you knew my nada and

>how she'd

>probably never go to the doctor unless she was bleeding out her

>eyes, you'd

>know why this raises a red flag for me.

>

>Well I continued to have step sister on my facebook for quite a

>while.

> However, in the end before I removed her, she was becoming

> very

>nada-like... very negative. She wasn't commenting on any of

>the positive

>messages I was posting in regards to school & being a 4.0

>student, but would

>take the time to comment on a little rant about people in my

>house not

>picking up after themselves with something like " Looks like

>it's time to

>find a new place to live " . Really? She doesn't even have the

>first clue

>about my situation. Anyway, it was after that " dig " that I

>removed her.

>

>Well, it took her a while to realize that I had and I got a

>message from her

>asking why I took her off. I didn't reply. Now she's messaged

>me again.

>

>She was having some health issues last I knew about which I do

>totally feel

>for her about having health issues of my own. But this message

>just strikes

>up that fear feeling in my gut and makes me feel like... well,

>like a kid.

> And being a KO I'm sure you all have a pretty good idea of

> how great that

>was (not).

>

>Her message says:

>

> " Just wanted to say Hello....Im sorry please dont think I was

>stalking, just

>been thinking of you and finally decided why not..hope you had

>a nice

>holiday..I had a really bad accident and ended up having a

>major surgery had

>to get a spinal cord stimulator placed on my spine, still

>hoping they can

>save my leg but thats day to day..well just know I still think

>of you hope

>your well and happy! take care Love, [her name] "

>

>I knew about the stimulator and the problems she was

>having. Again, I feel

>for her but I just don't feel comfortable with her after she

>violated my

>clear boundaries of not wanting to talk about nada with her and

>then had a

>very nada-like negativity in regards to my posts.

>

>I just read it to fiance who just looked at me puzzled & said,

> " that's

>weird " .

>

>Is it? Am I blowing this out of proportion or am I

>justified? I just don't

>know. I would love to NOT blow her off but again, I can't help

>but get that

>gut feeling of red flags going up all over the place.

>

>Didn't need this right now.

>

>Mia

--

Katrina

[Guest guest]

I think what triggered it was most likely due to her violating boundaries

before (continuing to press me about nada on facebook, etc) and the

negativity. God nada was so negative.

Like you said, the flying monkeys can be just as bad. I think I will do

what future Dr. Lynette suggested (congrats Lynette!!!! ;-) ) and just

" smile & wave " .

I hate that initial gut reaction that I got with this. That fear... it's

awful. I've been in therapy far to long for that kind of crap and I want to

take it back. I'm the one in control of me, not nada or step sis or anyone

else. It just frustrates me and brings up a whole slew of fleas.

Anyway, thanks for the advice Lynette & Katrina.

Mia

>

>

> Mia,

> I don't see anything in what you quote of this message that

> taken as a single message is anything that ought to provoke a

> big reaction, especially if you know she really is having severe

> health issues. It could be that she's trying to reconnect with

> you and just doing it awkwardly. However taking it in

> combination with the Facebook behavior you describe, is another

> matter. She seems to have shown herself to be your nada's flying

> monkey in the past and she has a history of being negative

> towards you. It doesn't sound like she's given you any reason to

> think she's changed. If you're not comfortable having much

> contact with her, I think that's a reasonable reaction under the

> circumstances. It is possible that she's seen the light and

> isn't being influenced so much by your nada now but I think you

> have to trust your impressions and feelings where this is

> concerned. Having contact with a nada's flying monkeys can be

> almost as bad as having contact with the nada.

>

>

> At 01:22 AM 01/10/2011 Justi3 wrote:

> >Sigh, where do I start?

> >

> >So when I went NC with nada after moving out of state (long

> >story), my step

> >sister (nada's husband's daughter) kept sending me messages on

> >facebook that

> >I should call nada, blah blah blah. I tried to set my

> >boundaries and asked

> >her not to bring up nada because I didn't want to talk about

> >it.

> >

> >Well, she sent a few more, one which I think was most likely a

> >lie based on

> >manipulation by nada, I don't know. Something about, " Just

> >thought you'd

> >want to know that your mom had surgery & is doing fine " . I

> >simply replied

> >along the lines of " glad she's ok " . If you knew my nada and

> >how she'd

> >probably never go to the doctor unless she was bleeding out her

> >eyes, you'd

> >know why this raises a red flag for me.

> >

> >Well I continued to have step sister on my facebook for quite a

> >while.

> > However, in the end before I removed her, she was becoming

> > very

> >nada-like... very negative. She wasn't commenting on any of

> >the positive

> >messages I was posting in regards to school & being a 4.0

> >student, but would

> >take the time to comment on a little rant about people in my

> >house not

> >picking up after themselves with something like " Looks like

> >it's time to

> >find a new place to live " . Really? She doesn't even have the

> >first clue

> >about my situation. Anyway, it was after that " dig " that I

> >removed her.

> >

> >Well, it took her a while to realize that I had and I got a

> >message from her

> >asking why I took her off. I didn't reply. Now she's messaged

> >me again.

> >

> >She was having some health issues last I knew about which I do

> >totally feel

> >for her about having health issues of my own. But this message

> >just strikes

> >up that fear feeling in my gut and makes me feel like... well,

> >like a kid.

> > And being a KO I'm sure you all have a pretty good idea of

> > how great that

> >was (not).

> >

> >Her message says:

> >

> > " Just wanted to say Hello....Im sorry please dont think I was

> >stalking, just

> >been thinking of you and finally decided why not..hope you had

> >a nice

> >holiday..I had a really bad accident and ended up having a

> >major surgery had

> >to get a spinal cord stimulator placed on my spine, still

> >hoping they can

> >save my leg but thats day to day..well just know I still think

> >of you hope

> >your well and happy! take care Love, [her name] "

> >

> >I knew about the stimulator and the problems she was

> >having. Again, I feel

> >for her but I just don't feel comfortable with her after she

> >violated my

> >clear boundaries of not wanting to talk about nada with her and

> >then had a

> >very nada-like negativity in regards to my posts.

> >

> >I just read it to fiance who just looked at me puzzled & said,

> > " that's

> >weird " .

> >

> >Is it? Am I blowing this out of proportion or am I

> >justified? I just don't

> >know. I would love to NOT blow her off but again, I can't help

> >but get that

> >gut feeling of red flags going up all over the place.

> >

> >Didn't need this right now.

> >

> >Mia

>

> --

> Katrina

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

I think what triggered it was most likely due to her violating boundaries

before (continuing to press me about nada on facebook, etc) and the

negativity. God nada was so negative.

Like you said, the flying monkeys can be just as bad. I think I will do

what future Dr. Lynette suggested (congrats Lynette!!!! ;-) ) and just

" smile & wave " .

I hate that initial gut reaction that I got with this. That fear... it's

awful. I've been in therapy far to long for that kind of crap and I want to

take it back. I'm the one in control of me, not nada or step sis or anyone

else. It just frustrates me and brings up a whole slew of fleas.

Anyway, thanks for the advice Lynette & Katrina.

Mia

>

>

> Mia,

> I don't see anything in what you quote of this message that

> taken as a single message is anything that ought to provoke a

> big reaction, especially if you know she really is having severe

> health issues. It could be that she's trying to reconnect with

> you and just doing it awkwardly. However taking it in

> combination with the Facebook behavior you describe, is another

> matter. She seems to have shown herself to be your nada's flying

> monkey in the past and she has a history of being negative

> towards you. It doesn't sound like she's given you any reason to

> think she's changed. If you're not comfortable having much

> contact with her, I think that's a reasonable reaction under the

> circumstances. It is possible that she's seen the light and

> isn't being influenced so much by your nada now but I think you

> have to trust your impressions and feelings where this is

> concerned. Having contact with a nada's flying monkeys can be

> almost as bad as having contact with the nada.

>

>

> At 01:22 AM 01/10/2011 Justi3 wrote:

> >Sigh, where do I start?

> >

> >So when I went NC with nada after moving out of state (long

> >story), my step

> >sister (nada's husband's daughter) kept sending me messages on

> >facebook that

> >I should call nada, blah blah blah. I tried to set my

> >boundaries and asked

> >her not to bring up nada because I didn't want to talk about

> >it.

> >

> >Well, she sent a few more, one which I think was most likely a

> >lie based on

> >manipulation by nada, I don't know. Something about, " Just

> >thought you'd

> >want to know that your mom had surgery & is doing fine " . I

> >simply replied

> >along the lines of " glad she's ok " . If you knew my nada and

> >how she'd

> >probably never go to the doctor unless she was bleeding out her

> >eyes, you'd

> >know why this raises a red flag for me.

> >

> >Well I continued to have step sister on my facebook for quite a

> >while.

> > However, in the end before I removed her, she was becoming

> > very

> >nada-like... very negative. She wasn't commenting on any of

> >the positive

> >messages I was posting in regards to school & being a 4.0

> >student, but would

> >take the time to comment on a little rant about people in my

> >house not

> >picking up after themselves with something like " Looks like

> >it's time to

> >find a new place to live " . Really? She doesn't even have the

> >first clue

> >about my situation. Anyway, it was after that " dig " that I

> >removed her.

> >

> >Well, it took her a while to realize that I had and I got a

> >message from her

> >asking why I took her off. I didn't reply. Now she's messaged

> >me again.

> >

> >She was having some health issues last I knew about which I do

> >totally feel

> >for her about having health issues of my own. But this message

> >just strikes

> >up that fear feeling in my gut and makes me feel like... well,

> >like a kid.

> > And being a KO I'm sure you all have a pretty good idea of

> > how great that

> >was (not).

> >

> >Her message says:

> >

> > " Just wanted to say Hello....Im sorry please dont think I was

> >stalking, just

> >been thinking of you and finally decided why not..hope you had

> >a nice

> >holiday..I had a really bad accident and ended up having a

> >major surgery had

> >to get a spinal cord stimulator placed on my spine, still

> >hoping they can

> >save my leg but thats day to day..well just know I still think

> >of you hope

> >your well and happy! take care Love, [her name] "

> >

> >I knew about the stimulator and the problems she was

> >having. Again, I feel

> >for her but I just don't feel comfortable with her after she

> >violated my

> >clear boundaries of not wanting to talk about nada with her and

> >then had a

> >very nada-like negativity in regards to my posts.

> >

> >I just read it to fiance who just looked at me puzzled & said,

> > " that's

> >weird " .

> >

> >Is it? Am I blowing this out of proportion or am I

> >justified? I just don't

> >know. I would love to NOT blow her off but again, I can't help

> >but get that

> >gut feeling of red flags going up all over the place.

> >

> >Didn't need this right now.

> >

> >Mia

>

> --

> Katrina

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

> I just read it to fiance who just looked at me puzzled & said, " that's

> weird " .

>

> Is it? Am I blowing this out of proportion or am I justified? I just don't

> know. I would love to NOT blow her off but again, I can't help but get that

> gut feeling of red flags going up all over the place.

>

Personally, I can totally understand how getting a message from someone you've

limited contact with about their major health problems would make you feel

uncomfortable. It feels like a blatant attempt to elicit your pity and pull you

back into a " talking and sharing " relationship.

Like someone else said, who knows if this is her intent or not. I think what

matters is how you feel about it. I would encourage you to listen to your gut

and trust your feelings about what makes you comfortable or uncomfortable. No

one else can do that for you.

If it helps, I think a healthier person would have left out that whole bit about

her problems. I agree with your boyfriend that it seems " weird " for her to be

telling all of those things to someone who's unfriended her, unless she's

[consciously or not] trying to make you feel guilty about it.

Respond in whatever way makes you feel safe and comfortable, even if that means

not responding at all. I thought your response about your mom's surgery was

perfect-- " glad she's ok. " The end.

KT

[Guest guest]

> I just read it to fiance who just looked at me puzzled & said, " that's

> weird " .

>

> Is it? Am I blowing this out of proportion or am I justified? I just don't

> know. I would love to NOT blow her off but again, I can't help but get that

> gut feeling of red flags going up all over the place.

>

Personally, I can totally understand how getting a message from someone you've

limited contact with about their major health problems would make you feel

uncomfortable. It feels like a blatant attempt to elicit your pity and pull you

back into a " talking and sharing " relationship.

Like someone else said, who knows if this is her intent or not. I think what

matters is how you feel about it. I would encourage you to listen to your gut

and trust your feelings about what makes you comfortable or uncomfortable. No

one else can do that for you.

If it helps, I think a healthier person would have left out that whole bit about

her problems. I agree with your boyfriend that it seems " weird " for her to be

telling all of those things to someone who's unfriended her, unless she's

[consciously or not] trying to make you feel guilty about it.

Respond in whatever way makes you feel safe and comfortable, even if that means

not responding at all. I thought your response about your mom's surgery was

perfect-- " glad she's ok. " The end.

KT

[Guest guest]

> I just read it to fiance who just looked at me puzzled & said, " that's

> weird " .

>

> Is it? Am I blowing this out of proportion or am I justified? I just don't

> know. I would love to NOT blow her off but again, I can't help but get that

> gut feeling of red flags going up all over the place.

>

Personally, I can totally understand how getting a message from someone you've

limited contact with about their major health problems would make you feel

uncomfortable. It feels like a blatant attempt to elicit your pity and pull you

back into a " talking and sharing " relationship.

Like someone else said, who knows if this is her intent or not. I think what

matters is how you feel about it. I would encourage you to listen to your gut

and trust your feelings about what makes you comfortable or uncomfortable. No

one else can do that for you.

If it helps, I think a healthier person would have left out that whole bit about

her problems. I agree with your boyfriend that it seems " weird " for her to be

telling all of those things to someone who's unfriended her, unless she's

[consciously or not] trying to make you feel guilty about it.

Respond in whatever way makes you feel safe and comfortable, even if that means

not responding at all. I thought your response about your mom's surgery was

perfect-- " glad she's ok. " The end.

KT

[Guest guest]

Thanks KT. I just replied to her " Sorry to hear you're still having health

issues. Our holiday was good, hope yours was too. " (Or something similar).

We will see what happens.

Last night when I went to bed I was lying there thinking about it for a bit

and sort of tried to mentally take back the control. All I have to do if

she asks about anything I don't want to talk about is ignore it or tell her

I don't want to talk about it. If she keeps pressing it, then I can block

her completely on facebook. I do not plan on re-friending her, but can

still receive messages from her for now.

I hate this sort of power nada still has over me to inflict instant fear in

my heart. So it's time to take it away from her. And this isn't even nada

we're talking about, but like someone else said... one of her flying

monkeys.

The timing of it just struck me as odd since I'm having surgery tomorrow. I

still have this fear that nada will show up here one day, and wouldn't that

just be perfect timing... me in hospital and perfectly vulnerable for her...

I know that is a stretch, but you have to know her history of stuff like

that. Before surgery #2 when nada insisted I was only doing it for

attention, etc... I told her not to show up, and she did anyway. (And though

I told the doctor not to talk to anyone but my now exhusband, he talked to

nada anyway! Arg!) So when surgery #3 rolled around, I didn't tell her a

damn thing. And I don't intend on telling her or step sis a damn thing

about this one either. They may hear the info from others and so be it.

But not a damn thing from me.

Anyway, yes, it's a stretch and yes my head is still here on planet earth

enough to realize that. But there is still that fear after having dealt

with a serial boundary violator my whole life. So I do think the timing of

step sis's message was bad, regardless if they know what's going on or not.

Anyway, I'm going to shut up now because I feel incredibly stupid for

sharing that fear.

Mia

[Guest guest]

Thanks KT. I just replied to her " Sorry to hear you're still having health

issues. Our holiday was good, hope yours was too. " (Or something similar).

We will see what happens.

Last night when I went to bed I was lying there thinking about it for a bit

and sort of tried to mentally take back the control. All I have to do if

she asks about anything I don't want to talk about is ignore it or tell her

I don't want to talk about it. If she keeps pressing it, then I can block

her completely on facebook. I do not plan on re-friending her, but can

still receive messages from her for now.

I hate this sort of power nada still has over me to inflict instant fear in

my heart. So it's time to take it away from her. And this isn't even nada

we're talking about, but like someone else said... one of her flying

monkeys.

The timing of it just struck me as odd since I'm having surgery tomorrow. I

still have this fear that nada will show up here one day, and wouldn't that

just be perfect timing... me in hospital and perfectly vulnerable for her...

I know that is a stretch, but you have to know her history of stuff like

that. Before surgery #2 when nada insisted I was only doing it for

attention, etc... I told her not to show up, and she did anyway. (And though

I told the doctor not to talk to anyone but my now exhusband, he talked to

nada anyway! Arg!) So when surgery #3 rolled around, I didn't tell her a

damn thing. And I don't intend on telling her or step sis a damn thing

about this one either. They may hear the info from others and so be it.

But not a damn thing from me.

Anyway, yes, it's a stretch and yes my head is still here on planet earth

enough to realize that. But there is still that fear after having dealt

with a serial boundary violator my whole life. So I do think the timing of

step sis's message was bad, regardless if they know what's going on or not.

Anyway, I'm going to shut up now because I feel incredibly stupid for

sharing that fear.

Mia

[Guest guest]

Thanks KT. I just replied to her " Sorry to hear you're still having health

issues. Our holiday was good, hope yours was too. " (Or something similar).

We will see what happens.

Last night when I went to bed I was lying there thinking about it for a bit

and sort of tried to mentally take back the control. All I have to do if

she asks about anything I don't want to talk about is ignore it or tell her

I don't want to talk about it. If she keeps pressing it, then I can block

her completely on facebook. I do not plan on re-friending her, but can

still receive messages from her for now.

I hate this sort of power nada still has over me to inflict instant fear in

my heart. So it's time to take it away from her. And this isn't even nada

we're talking about, but like someone else said... one of her flying

monkeys.

The timing of it just struck me as odd since I'm having surgery tomorrow. I

still have this fear that nada will show up here one day, and wouldn't that

just be perfect timing... me in hospital and perfectly vulnerable for her...

I know that is a stretch, but you have to know her history of stuff like

that. Before surgery #2 when nada insisted I was only doing it for

attention, etc... I told her not to show up, and she did anyway. (And though

I told the doctor not to talk to anyone but my now exhusband, he talked to

nada anyway! Arg!) So when surgery #3 rolled around, I didn't tell her a

damn thing. And I don't intend on telling her or step sis a damn thing

about this one either. They may hear the info from others and so be it.

But not a damn thing from me.

Anyway, yes, it's a stretch and yes my head is still here on planet earth

enough to realize that. But there is still that fear after having dealt

with a serial boundary violator my whole life. So I do think the timing of

step sis's message was bad, regardless if they know what's going on or not.

Anyway, I'm going to shut up now because I feel incredibly stupid for

sharing that fear.

Mia

[Guest guest]

If you put a Borderline in a room with a hundred people, and one person

who is the type who will marry them, they will find each other.

You often see family clusters of BP s. If your step dad married your

nada, fair chance his first was a BP as well. Equally fair chance that

his son would marry a BP.

So, SIL may be a BP.

You wrote

I tried to set my boundaries and asked her not to bring up nada because

I didn't want to talk about it.

As Yoda said, there is not try! Do! Or do not! But choose. You don t

try to set boundaries, you set them. You establish the consequences of

breaking your boundaries. And when people choose to ignore you and

violate them you pull the trigger on the consequences. If that is no

contact, then that is what it is.

YOU wrote

>

> Well, she sent a few more, one which I think was most likely a lie

based on

> manipulation by nada, I don't know. Something about, " Just thought

you'd

> want to know that your mom had surgery & is doing fine " . I simply

replied

> along the lines of " glad she's ok " .

An appropriate, and fully justified reply here would be . " Look

. ( just made up a name for her) I told you before not to bring up

my mother as I did not choose to discuss her with you or anyone else.

Since you cannot seem to abide by my desires, I m not going to have any

further contact with you. You are free to have whatever relationship

you want with my Mom, and I m not trying to control your choices. But my

choices are that I won t have a relationship with people who insist on

discussing her with me. So , goodbye. Please do not contact me

anymore. "

And that is how you enforce a boundary. You do NOT owe her a

relationship.

YOU wrote

being a 4.0 student, but would

> take the time to comment on a little rant about people in my house not

> picking up after themselves with something like " Looks like it's time

to

> find a new place to live " . Really? She doesn't even have the first

clue

> about my situation. Anyway, it was after that " dig " that I removed

her.

First of all, your FOO didnt say so, but CONGRATS on 4.0! Smart, and

hard working, and you are to be congratulated for it.

My response to her dig about time to find a new place to live would be

either

1. Bite me , Bitch.

or

2. You know nothing about me or my life. How dare you choose to make

such a snarky little remark.

You do NOT have to have a relationship with people who are toxic to you,

and this woman is. FOG alert, KO s are taught by nada that you ARE

obligated to LOVE ME, I M the MOTHER, regardless how awful she is. So

it is hard to realize that no, we don t have to do that at all. Whether

she is a BP in her own right, or a flying monkey with lots of Nada

fleas, she is treating you just like a BP would.

> Well, it took her a while to realize that I had and I got a message

from her

> asking why I took her off. I didn't reply. Now she's messaged me

again.

>

> She was having some health issues last I knew about which I do totally

feel

> for her about having health issues of my own. But this message just

strikes

> up that fear feeling in my gut and makes me feel like... well, like a

kid.

> And being a KO I'm sure you all have a pretty good idea of how great

that

> was (not).

There are many people in the world who have health problems. Is it up

to you to go and befriend all of them? Even if they are assholes and

treat you like shit?

> I just read it to fiance who just looked at me puzzled & said, " that's

> weird " .

>

> Is it? Am I blowing this out of proportion or am I justified? I just

don't

> know. I would love to NOT blow her off but again, I can't help but

get that

> gut feeling of red flags going up all over the place.

>

YES!!! By God it is weird. If this woman is not BP in her own right, she

is a flying monkey for nada. You don t need to have a relationship with

a flying monkey. Trying to suck you into a relationship with tales of

her sickness is a FOG alert: trying to manipulate you with guilt.

I feel for her but I just don't feel comfortable with her after she

violated my

> clear boundaries of not wanting to talk about nada with her

That is ALL the reason you need. I DONT FEEL COMFORTABLE WITH HER. You

dont have to have contact with her. You don t have to make excuses why

you choose not to have a relationship with the wife of the son of your

crazy assed mother s new husband. Only us KO s could be feeling

ambivalence and guilt about that.

> Didn't need this right now.

Or ever. Look, I even wrote one out for you, you are free to use it.

You are NOT blowing her off, you are enforcing your boundaries. Her

illness is not a justification for her to treat you any way she wants.

It is the way a BP has of saying, you don t matter, you exist only as an

extension of myself.

" Look . ( just made up a name for her) I told you before not to

bring up my mother as I did not choose to discuss her with you or

anyone else. Since you cannot seem to abide by my desires, I m not

going to have any further contact with you.

I thought I had made this clear by removing you from my FB account, but

it seems not. And yes, it does seem like you are stalking me. So let

me be direct and perfectly unambiguous this time.

I told you not to mention my mom in conversations with me. You chose to

ignore me and press on and do it anyway. I find you condescending and

sarcastic, and do not appreciate it. So, I choose not to have

conversations or contact with you.

You are free to have whatever relationship you want with my Mom, and I

m not trying to control your choices. But my choices are that I won t

have a relationship with people who insist on discussing her with me.

So , goodbye. Please do not contact me anymore. "

>

> Mia

>

Several of us on here have found great help dealing with the toxic

people in our lives from the book , Safe People, by Cloud and Townsend.

I think you would too. I also predict you will find a description of

your mom, and your pseudo sister in law.

Good luck!

Doug

[Guest guest]

If you put a Borderline in a room with a hundred people, and one person

who is the type who will marry them, they will find each other.

You often see family clusters of BP s. If your step dad married your

nada, fair chance his first was a BP as well. Equally fair chance that

his son would marry a BP.

So, SIL may be a BP.

You wrote

I tried to set my boundaries and asked her not to bring up nada because

I didn't want to talk about it.

As Yoda said, there is not try! Do! Or do not! But choose. You don t

try to set boundaries, you set them. You establish the consequences of

breaking your boundaries. And when people choose to ignore you and

violate them you pull the trigger on the consequences. If that is no

contact, then that is what it is.

YOU wrote

>

> Well, she sent a few more, one which I think was most likely a lie

based on

> manipulation by nada, I don't know. Something about, " Just thought

you'd

> want to know that your mom had surgery & is doing fine " . I simply

replied

> along the lines of " glad she's ok " .

An appropriate, and fully justified reply here would be . " Look

. ( just made up a name for her) I told you before not to bring up

my mother as I did not choose to discuss her with you or anyone else.

Since you cannot seem to abide by my desires, I m not going to have any

further contact with you. You are free to have whatever relationship

you want with my Mom, and I m not trying to control your choices. But my

choices are that I won t have a relationship with people who insist on

discussing her with me. So , goodbye. Please do not contact me

anymore. "

And that is how you enforce a boundary. You do NOT owe her a

relationship.

YOU wrote

being a 4.0 student, but would

> take the time to comment on a little rant about people in my house not

> picking up after themselves with something like " Looks like it's time

to

> find a new place to live " . Really? She doesn't even have the first

clue

> about my situation. Anyway, it was after that " dig " that I removed

her.

First of all, your FOO didnt say so, but CONGRATS on 4.0! Smart, and

hard working, and you are to be congratulated for it.

My response to her dig about time to find a new place to live would be

either

1. Bite me , Bitch.

or

2. You know nothing about me or my life. How dare you choose to make

such a snarky little remark.

You do NOT have to have a relationship with people who are toxic to you,

and this woman is. FOG alert, KO s are taught by nada that you ARE

obligated to LOVE ME, I M the MOTHER, regardless how awful she is. So

it is hard to realize that no, we don t have to do that at all. Whether

she is a BP in her own right, or a flying monkey with lots of Nada

fleas, she is treating you just like a BP would.

> Well, it took her a while to realize that I had and I got a message

from her

> asking why I took her off. I didn't reply. Now she's messaged me

again.

>

> She was having some health issues last I knew about which I do totally

feel

> for her about having health issues of my own. But this message just

strikes

> up that fear feeling in my gut and makes me feel like... well, like a

kid.

> And being a KO I'm sure you all have a pretty good idea of how great

that

> was (not).

There are many people in the world who have health problems. Is it up

to you to go and befriend all of them? Even if they are assholes and

treat you like shit?

> I just read it to fiance who just looked at me puzzled & said, " that's

> weird " .

>

> Is it? Am I blowing this out of proportion or am I justified? I just

don't

> know. I would love to NOT blow her off but again, I can't help but

get that

> gut feeling of red flags going up all over the place.

>

YES!!! By God it is weird. If this woman is not BP in her own right, she

is a flying monkey for nada. You don t need to have a relationship with

a flying monkey. Trying to suck you into a relationship with tales of

her sickness is a FOG alert: trying to manipulate you with guilt.

I feel for her but I just don't feel comfortable with her after she

violated my

> clear boundaries of not wanting to talk about nada with her

That is ALL the reason you need. I DONT FEEL COMFORTABLE WITH HER. You

dont have to have contact with her. You don t have to make excuses why

you choose not to have a relationship with the wife of the son of your

crazy assed mother s new husband. Only us KO s could be feeling

ambivalence and guilt about that.

> Didn't need this right now.

Or ever. Look, I even wrote one out for you, you are free to use it.

You are NOT blowing her off, you are enforcing your boundaries. Her

illness is not a justification for her to treat you any way she wants.

It is the way a BP has of saying, you don t matter, you exist only as an

extension of myself.

" Look . ( just made up a name for her) I told you before not to

bring up my mother as I did not choose to discuss her with you or

anyone else. Since you cannot seem to abide by my desires, I m not

going to have any further contact with you.

I thought I had made this clear by removing you from my FB account, but

it seems not. And yes, it does seem like you are stalking me. So let

me be direct and perfectly unambiguous this time.

I told you not to mention my mom in conversations with me. You chose to

ignore me and press on and do it anyway. I find you condescending and

sarcastic, and do not appreciate it. So, I choose not to have

conversations or contact with you.

You are free to have whatever relationship you want with my Mom, and I

m not trying to control your choices. But my choices are that I won t

have a relationship with people who insist on discussing her with me.

So , goodbye. Please do not contact me anymore. "

>

> Mia

>

Several of us on here have found great help dealing with the toxic

people in our lives from the book , Safe People, by Cloud and Townsend.

I think you would too. I also predict you will find a description of

your mom, and your pseudo sister in law.

Good luck!

Doug

[Guest guest]

-

>

Before surgery #2 when nada insisted I was only doing it for

> attention, etc... I told her not to show up, and she did anyway. (And

though

> I told the doctor not to talk to anyone but my now exhusband, he

talked to

> nada anyway! Arg!)

Your Dr screwed up. That is a HIPPA violation. Before you go in for

surgery, ask for a form to sign and keep in your chart stating your

limits on who can be informed and who can decidedly NOT be informed

about your medical condition.

Make if very clear, before they get any anesthetics into you, that the

Hospital does NOT have your permission to discuss your treatment or

condition with your mother, who they may contact, and let them know

very specifically what the Dr did before. And say, there will NOT be a

repeat of that this time. Or I will file a complaint for a HIPPA

violation.

People in the health care professions get fired over such things.

But there is still that fear after having dealt

> with a serial boundary violator my whole life. So I do think the

timing of

> step sis's message was bad, regardless if they know what's going on or

not.

>

> Anyway, I'm going to shut up now because I feel incredibly stupid for

> sharing that fear.

It is NOT a a stupid fear. My mother died about 18 months ago, when I

was 53. I had only found out about BP and established boundaries with

her about 5 years before. I was on LC with her, because every week or

so she would again violate my boundary, and I would immediately enforce

it with a period of NC.

You can claim your life. You don t have to justify your feelings or

your choices of who gets to be in your life.

>

> Mia

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

-

>

Before surgery #2 when nada insisted I was only doing it for

> attention, etc... I told her not to show up, and she did anyway. (And

though

> I told the doctor not to talk to anyone but my now exhusband, he

talked to

> nada anyway! Arg!)

Your Dr screwed up. That is a HIPPA violation. Before you go in for

surgery, ask for a form to sign and keep in your chart stating your

limits on who can be informed and who can decidedly NOT be informed

about your medical condition.

Make if very clear, before they get any anesthetics into you, that the

Hospital does NOT have your permission to discuss your treatment or

condition with your mother, who they may contact, and let them know

very specifically what the Dr did before. And say, there will NOT be a

repeat of that this time. Or I will file a complaint for a HIPPA

violation.

People in the health care professions get fired over such things.

But there is still that fear after having dealt

> with a serial boundary violator my whole life. So I do think the

timing of

> step sis's message was bad, regardless if they know what's going on or

not.

>

> Anyway, I'm going to shut up now because I feel incredibly stupid for

> sharing that fear.

It is NOT a a stupid fear. My mother died about 18 months ago, when I

was 53. I had only found out about BP and established boundaries with

her about 5 years before. I was on LC with her, because every week or

so she would again violate my boundary, and I would immediately enforce

it with a period of NC.

You can claim your life. You don t have to justify your feelings or

your choices of who gets to be in your life.

>

> Mia

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Doug, thanks. I'm replying to both your replies here.

" You often see family clusters of BP s. If your step dad married your

nada, fair chance his first was a BP as well. Equally fair chance that

his son would marry a BP.

So, SIL may be a BP. "

That's interesting. My step sister's mom has always creeped me out. She

was always very fake & plastic. I also suspect that my step brother was

" black sheeped " into being the all bad child. Obviously I wasn't there when

she had the kids, but knowing what I know now, I have wondered if thier mom

is also BPD. Could step sis be too? Maybe. She was always very good at

spinning stories. I have no idea, but you're right, I have a right to say

who I want in my life. If anyone else in this world had treated me the way

my nada did, no one would expect me to maintain a relationship with them. I

said that to my dad when I finally told him everything that nada put me

through, he agreed whole heartedly. I think the FOG is still thick enough

that I forget that sometimes. I'm a 33 year old adult, she has no control

over who is in or out of my life.

I need more practice at setting boundaries & putting my foot down. It's

still very scary for me.

I feel like I haven't really come that far in my recovery! Yet, I know I

have, but at the same time... I feel like I still have such a damn long way

to go.

I guess I've been suckered again since I did sort of " middle chill " reply to

her (or whatever the name of that was, oops. I think Annie posted it. It

was awesome.)

I could put a positive spin on this though... I said I need more practice at

setting boundaries & putting my foot down, right? LOL... I may just get that

opportunity now. Oy.

I also realize I am in no way shape or form obligated to reply to her. If I

chose to do so again, I can do it on my terms, on my time. I am having

surgery tomorrow. I am not taking my lap top to the hospital. If she

replies while I'm there and I'm too " loopy " to reply when I get home... meh!

I can do it IF I want to, WHEN I want to. No rush.

WHy should I bend over backwards to please someone who's also violated my

boundaries? Yes, I was trained to do that. I have GOT to untrain myself of

that.

As for what happened with the doctor breaking HIPPA, I'm aware, FULLY aware

of what he did and how wrong it was. I was aware when this happened which

was long before becoming a nursing student. My ex husband even witnessed

it. I asked him the next day if I had really seen that (It was outpatient

surgery & I was obviously still under the effects of anesthesia & pain

medications). He said, " yes. Do you want to call a lawyer? "

We had talked about it for quite awhile and came to the conclusion it would

be our word against his. Now I realize that by not taking action, I allowed

myself to be victimized again.

I have all ready expressed to my doctor that she is to speak to no one other

than my fiance. Again, I realize the fear of nada showing up when I'm now

200 miles away is a bit out there, but as I said... serial boundary violator

and as she likes to prey on me when I'm weak, this would be a prime

opportunity for her. Also, she is my nada after all... I know she still has

my original social security card... nadas like mine have a way of getting

what they want. I do feel she is equip with enough information to find me.

But yes, I fully intend to make sure there is not a repeat of that breach in

confidentiality and will make sure that everything is crystal clear before I

sign consent forms. (They won't medicate you until after you've signed

them).

And if nada did show up, I can push the call light & get a nurse, I can pick

up the phone & call security & hell... I can yell for help.

I do often feel helpless about dealing with her & FOO, but I tend to bounce

back much more quickly then I did even 3 years ago. Doug, your replies were

empowering and really just what I needed right now, Thanks a ton, really. I

am grateful.

Mia

[Guest guest]

Doug, thanks. I'm replying to both your replies here.

" You often see family clusters of BP s. If your step dad married your

nada, fair chance his first was a BP as well. Equally fair chance that

his son would marry a BP.

So, SIL may be a BP. "

That's interesting. My step sister's mom has always creeped me out. She

was always very fake & plastic. I also suspect that my step brother was

" black sheeped " into being the all bad child. Obviously I wasn't there when

she had the kids, but knowing what I know now, I have wondered if thier mom

is also BPD. Could step sis be too? Maybe. She was always very good at

spinning stories. I have no idea, but you're right, I have a right to say

who I want in my life. If anyone else in this world had treated me the way

my nada did, no one would expect me to maintain a relationship with them. I

said that to my dad when I finally told him everything that nada put me

through, he agreed whole heartedly. I think the FOG is still thick enough

that I forget that sometimes. I'm a 33 year old adult, she has no control

over who is in or out of my life.

I need more practice at setting boundaries & putting my foot down. It's

still very scary for me.

I feel like I haven't really come that far in my recovery! Yet, I know I

have, but at the same time... I feel like I still have such a damn long way

to go.

I guess I've been suckered again since I did sort of " middle chill " reply to

her (or whatever the name of that was, oops. I think Annie posted it. It

was awesome.)

I could put a positive spin on this though... I said I need more practice at

setting boundaries & putting my foot down, right? LOL... I may just get that

opportunity now. Oy.

I also realize I am in no way shape or form obligated to reply to her. If I

chose to do so again, I can do it on my terms, on my time. I am having

surgery tomorrow. I am not taking my lap top to the hospital. If she

replies while I'm there and I'm too " loopy " to reply when I get home... meh!

I can do it IF I want to, WHEN I want to. No rush.

WHy should I bend over backwards to please someone who's also violated my

boundaries? Yes, I was trained to do that. I have GOT to untrain myself of

that.

As for what happened with the doctor breaking HIPPA, I'm aware, FULLY aware

of what he did and how wrong it was. I was aware when this happened which

was long before becoming a nursing student. My ex husband even witnessed

it. I asked him the next day if I had really seen that (It was outpatient

surgery & I was obviously still under the effects of anesthesia & pain

medications). He said, " yes. Do you want to call a lawyer? "

We had talked about it for quite awhile and came to the conclusion it would

be our word against his. Now I realize that by not taking action, I allowed

myself to be victimized again.

I have all ready expressed to my doctor that she is to speak to no one other

than my fiance. Again, I realize the fear of nada showing up when I'm now

200 miles away is a bit out there, but as I said... serial boundary violator

and as she likes to prey on me when I'm weak, this would be a prime

opportunity for her. Also, she is my nada after all... I know she still has

my original social security card... nadas like mine have a way of getting

what they want. I do feel she is equip with enough information to find me.

But yes, I fully intend to make sure there is not a repeat of that breach in

confidentiality and will make sure that everything is crystal clear before I

sign consent forms. (They won't medicate you until after you've signed

them).

And if nada did show up, I can push the call light & get a nurse, I can pick

up the phone & call security & hell... I can yell for help.

I do often feel helpless about dealing with her & FOO, but I tend to bounce

back much more quickly then I did even 3 years ago. Doug, your replies were

empowering and really just what I needed right now, Thanks a ton, really. I

am grateful.

Mia

[Guest guest]

Doug, thanks. I'm replying to both your replies here.

" You often see family clusters of BP s. If your step dad married your

nada, fair chance his first was a BP as well. Equally fair chance that

his son would marry a BP.

So, SIL may be a BP. "

That's interesting. My step sister's mom has always creeped me out. She

was always very fake & plastic. I also suspect that my step brother was

" black sheeped " into being the all bad child. Obviously I wasn't there when

she had the kids, but knowing what I know now, I have wondered if thier mom

is also BPD. Could step sis be too? Maybe. She was always very good at

spinning stories. I have no idea, but you're right, I have a right to say

who I want in my life. If anyone else in this world had treated me the way

my nada did, no one would expect me to maintain a relationship with them. I

said that to my dad when I finally told him everything that nada put me

through, he agreed whole heartedly. I think the FOG is still thick enough

that I forget that sometimes. I'm a 33 year old adult, she has no control

over who is in or out of my life.

I need more practice at setting boundaries & putting my foot down. It's

still very scary for me.

I feel like I haven't really come that far in my recovery! Yet, I know I

have, but at the same time... I feel like I still have such a damn long way

to go.

I guess I've been suckered again since I did sort of " middle chill " reply to

her (or whatever the name of that was, oops. I think Annie posted it. It

was awesome.)

I could put a positive spin on this though... I said I need more practice at

setting boundaries & putting my foot down, right? LOL... I may just get that

opportunity now. Oy.

I also realize I am in no way shape or form obligated to reply to her. If I

chose to do so again, I can do it on my terms, on my time. I am having

surgery tomorrow. I am not taking my lap top to the hospital. If she

replies while I'm there and I'm too " loopy " to reply when I get home... meh!

I can do it IF I want to, WHEN I want to. No rush.

WHy should I bend over backwards to please someone who's also violated my

boundaries? Yes, I was trained to do that. I have GOT to untrain myself of

that.

As for what happened with the doctor breaking HIPPA, I'm aware, FULLY aware

of what he did and how wrong it was. I was aware when this happened which

was long before becoming a nursing student. My ex husband even witnessed

it. I asked him the next day if I had really seen that (It was outpatient

surgery & I was obviously still under the effects of anesthesia & pain

medications). He said, " yes. Do you want to call a lawyer? "

We had talked about it for quite awhile and came to the conclusion it would

be our word against his. Now I realize that by not taking action, I allowed

myself to be victimized again.

I have all ready expressed to my doctor that she is to speak to no one other

than my fiance. Again, I realize the fear of nada showing up when I'm now

200 miles away is a bit out there, but as I said... serial boundary violator

and as she likes to prey on me when I'm weak, this would be a prime

opportunity for her. Also, she is my nada after all... I know she still has

my original social security card... nadas like mine have a way of getting

what they want. I do feel she is equip with enough information to find me.

But yes, I fully intend to make sure there is not a repeat of that breach in

confidentiality and will make sure that everything is crystal clear before I

sign consent forms. (They won't medicate you until after you've signed

them).

And if nada did show up, I can push the call light & get a nurse, I can pick

up the phone & call security & hell... I can yell for help.

I do often feel helpless about dealing with her & FOO, but I tend to bounce

back much more quickly then I did even 3 years ago. Doug, your replies were

empowering and really just what I needed right now, Thanks a ton, really. I

am grateful.

Mia

[Guest guest]

FOG FOG FOG Alert

Flying monkey - DUCKKKK

I say block her ass on facebook. Bye bye step SIL named " "

>

>

>

> -

>

> >

> Before surgery #2 when nada insisted I was only doing it for

> > attention, etc... I told her not to show up, and she did anyway. (And

> though

> > I told the doctor not to talk to anyone but my now exhusband, he

> talked to

> > nada anyway! Arg!)

>

> Your Dr screwed up. That is a HIPPA violation. Before you go in for

> surgery, ask for a form to sign and keep in your chart stating your

> limits on who can be informed and who can decidedly NOT be informed

> about your medical condition.

> Make if very clear, before they get any anesthetics into you, that the

> Hospital does NOT have your permission to discuss your treatment or

> condition with your mother, who they may contact, and let them know

> very specifically what the Dr did before. And say, there will NOT be a

> repeat of that this time. Or I will file a complaint for a HIPPA

> violation.

>

> People in the health care professions get fired over such things.

>

>

> But there is still that fear after having dealt

> > with a serial boundary violator my whole life. So I do think the

> timing of

> > step sis's message was bad, regardless if they know what's going on or

> not.

> >

> > Anyway, I'm going to shut up now because I feel incredibly stupid for

> > sharing that fear.

>

> It is NOT a a stupid fear. My mother died about 18 months ago, when I

> was 53. I had only found out about BP and established boundaries with

> her about 5 years before. I was on LC with her, because every week or

> so she would again violate my boundary, and I would immediately enforce

> it with a period of NC.

>

> You can claim your life. You don t have to justify your feelings or

> your choices of who gets to be in your life.

>

> >

> > Mia

> >

> >

> >

[Guest guest]

FOG FOG FOG Alert

Flying monkey - DUCKKKK

I say block her ass on facebook. Bye bye step SIL named " "

>

>

>

> -

>

> >

> Before surgery #2 when nada insisted I was only doing it for

> > attention, etc... I told her not to show up, and she did anyway. (And

> though

> > I told the doctor not to talk to anyone but my now exhusband, he

> talked to

> > nada anyway! Arg!)

>

> Your Dr screwed up. That is a HIPPA violation. Before you go in for

> surgery, ask for a form to sign and keep in your chart stating your

> limits on who can be informed and who can decidedly NOT be informed

> about your medical condition.

> Make if very clear, before they get any anesthetics into you, that the

> Hospital does NOT have your permission to discuss your treatment or

> condition with your mother, who they may contact, and let them know

> very specifically what the Dr did before. And say, there will NOT be a

> repeat of that this time. Or I will file a complaint for a HIPPA

> violation.

>

> People in the health care professions get fired over such things.

>

>

> But there is still that fear after having dealt

> > with a serial boundary violator my whole life. So I do think the

> timing of

> > step sis's message was bad, regardless if they know what's going on or

> not.

> >

> > Anyway, I'm going to shut up now because I feel incredibly stupid for

> > sharing that fear.

>

> It is NOT a a stupid fear. My mother died about 18 months ago, when I

> was 53. I had only found out about BP and established boundaries with

> her about 5 years before. I was on LC with her, because every week or

> so she would again violate my boundary, and I would immediately enforce

> it with a period of NC.

>

> You can claim your life. You don t have to justify your feelings or

> your choices of who gets to be in your life.

>

> >

> > Mia

> >

> >

> >

[Guest guest]

Mia,

There's nothing stupid about sharing your fear. The fear itself

is based on previous events, so there's nothing unreasonable

about having it and sharing how we feel about nada/fada-related

things is part of why we're here.

I'd have no trouble imagining your nada putting your step-sister

up to contacting you now if she heard you were going to have

surgery. That's a very nada-like way of using flying monkeys for

stalking purposes. It sounds like you've chosen a reasonable way

to respond to her - staying in contact but not giving her any

encourangement or personal information.

At 11:22 AM 01/10/2011 Justi3 wrote:

>Thanks KT. I just replied to her " Sorry to hear you're still

>having health

>issues. Our holiday was good, hope yours was too. " (Or

>something similar).

> We will see what happens.

>

>Last night when I went to bed I was lying there thinking about

>it for a bit

>and sort of tried to mentally take back the control. All I

>have to do if

>she asks about anything I don't want to talk about is ignore it

>or tell her

>I don't want to talk about it. If she keeps pressing it, then

>I can block

>her completely on facebook. I do not plan on re-friending her,

>but can

>still receive messages from her for now.

>

>I hate this sort of power nada still has over me to inflict

>instant fear in

>my heart. So it's time to take it away from her. And this

>isn't even nada

>we're talking about, but like someone else said... one of her

>flying

>monkeys.

>

>The timing of it just struck me as odd since I'm having surgery

>tomorrow. I

>still have this fear that nada will show up here one day, and

>wouldn't that

>just be perfect timing... me in hospital and perfectly

>vulnerable for her...

>I know that is a stretch, but you have to know her history of

>stuff like

>that. Before surgery #2 when nada insisted I was only doing it

>for

>attention, etc... I told her not to show up, and she did

>anyway. (And though

>I told the doctor not to talk to anyone but my now exhusband,

>he talked to

>nada anyway! Arg!) So when surgery #3 rolled around, I didn't

>tell her a

>damn thing. And I don't intend on telling her or step sis a

>damn thing

>about this one either. They may hear the info from others and

>so be it.

> But not a damn thing from me.

>

>Anyway, yes, it's a stretch and yes my head is still here on

>planet earth

>enough to realize that. But there is still that fear after

>having dealt

>with a serial boundary violator my whole life. So I do think

>the timing of

>step sis's message was bad, regardless if they know what's

>going on or not.

>

>Anyway, I'm going to shut up now because I feel incredibly

>stupid for

>sharing that fear.

>

>Mia

--

Katrina

[Guest guest]

Thanks Katrina. I guess most people don't get it if I tell them my fears

like this. Then again, most people don't have BPD nadas & fadas.... and

flying monkeys lol.

We'll see what happens now. Like I said in my reply to Doug, I really need

to work on putting up boundaries and sticking to them. This just might be

an opportunity for that. Still scares the daylights out of me though.

And yeah, it is a very nada-like thing to do. Granted, I can't be sure nada

put her up to it, but I can't be sure she didn't.

I used to call this paranoia... my therapist said it's not. She said it's

hyper vigilance. I totally see the difference now but still wonder if it's

just a euphemism for paranoia. But again, I think normal (non BPD FOO)

people don't see it that way & just don't get it and smack you in the head

with that label that says " crazy " .

One day it would be nice to just say something like " No, I " m not crazy. I'm

just the child of a borderline " and for everyone to go " oooh ok " LOL

Mia