Re: Message from step sister

[Guest guest]

If you put a Borderline in a room with a hundred people, and one person

who is the type who will marry them, they will find each other.

You often see family clusters of BP s. If your step dad married your

nada, fair chance his first was a BP as well. Equally fair chance that

his son would marry a BP.

So, SIL may be a BP.

You wrote

I tried to set my boundaries and asked her not to bring up nada because

I didn't want to talk about it.

As Yoda said, there is not try! Do! Or do not! But choose. You don t

try to set boundaries, you set them. You establish the consequences of

breaking your boundaries. And when people choose to ignore you and

violate them you pull the trigger on the consequences. If that is no

contact, then that is what it is.

YOU wrote

>

> Well, she sent a few more, one which I think was most likely a lie

based on

> manipulation by nada, I don't know. Something about, " Just thought

you'd

> want to know that your mom had surgery & is doing fine " . I simply

replied

> along the lines of " glad she's ok " .

An appropriate, and fully justified reply here would be . " Look

. ( just made up a name for her) I told you before not to bring up

my mother as I did not choose to discuss her with you or anyone else.

Since you cannot seem to abide by my desires, I m not going to have any

further contact with you. You are free to have whatever relationship

you want with my Mom, and I m not trying to control your choices. But my

choices are that I won t have a relationship with people who insist on

discussing her with me. So , goodbye. Please do not contact me

anymore. "

And that is how you enforce a boundary. You do NOT owe her a

relationship.

YOU wrote

being a 4.0 student, but would

> take the time to comment on a little rant about people in my house not

> picking up after themselves with something like " Looks like it's time

to

> find a new place to live " . Really? She doesn't even have the first

clue

> about my situation. Anyway, it was after that " dig " that I removed

her.

First of all, your FOO didnt say so, but CONGRATS on 4.0! Smart, and

hard working, and you are to be congratulated for it.

My response to her dig about time to find a new place to live would be

either

1. Bite me , Bitch.

or

2. You know nothing about me or my life. How dare you choose to make

such a snarky little remark.

You do NOT have to have a relationship with people who are toxic to you,

and this woman is. FOG alert, KO s are taught by nada that you ARE

obligated to LOVE ME, I M the MOTHER, regardless how awful she is. So

it is hard to realize that no, we don t have to do that at all. Whether

she is a BP in her own right, or a flying monkey with lots of Nada

fleas, she is treating you just like a BP would.

> Well, it took her a while to realize that I had and I got a message

from her

> asking why I took her off. I didn't reply. Now she's messaged me

again.

>

> She was having some health issues last I knew about which I do totally

feel

> for her about having health issues of my own. But this message just

strikes

> up that fear feeling in my gut and makes me feel like... well, like a

kid.

> And being a KO I'm sure you all have a pretty good idea of how great

that

> was (not).

There are many people in the world who have health problems. Is it up

to you to go and befriend all of them? Even if they are assholes and

treat you like shit?

> I just read it to fiance who just looked at me puzzled & said, " that's

> weird " .

>

> Is it? Am I blowing this out of proportion or am I justified? I just

don't

> know. I would love to NOT blow her off but again, I can't help but

get that

> gut feeling of red flags going up all over the place.

>

YES!!! By God it is weird. If this woman is not BP in her own right, she

is a flying monkey for nada. You don t need to have a relationship with

a flying monkey. Trying to suck you into a relationship with tales of

her sickness is a FOG alert: trying to manipulate you with guilt.

I feel for her but I just don't feel comfortable with her after she

violated my

> clear boundaries of not wanting to talk about nada with her

That is ALL the reason you need. I DONT FEEL COMFORTABLE WITH HER. You

dont have to have contact with her. You don t have to make excuses why

you choose not to have a relationship with the wife of the son of your

crazy assed mother s new husband. Only us KO s could be feeling

ambivalence and guilt about that.

> Didn't need this right now.

Or ever. Look, I even wrote one out for you, you are free to use it.

You are NOT blowing her off, you are enforcing your boundaries. Her

illness is not a justification for her to treat you any way she wants.

It is the way a BP has of saying, you don t matter, you exist only as an

extension of myself.

" Look . ( just made up a name for her) I told you before not to

bring up my mother as I did not choose to discuss her with you or

anyone else. Since you cannot seem to abide by my desires, I m not

going to have any further contact with you.

I thought I had made this clear by removing you from my FB account, but

it seems not. And yes, it does seem like you are stalking me. So let

me be direct and perfectly unambiguous this time.

I told you not to mention my mom in conversations with me. You chose to

ignore me and press on and do it anyway. I find you condescending and

sarcastic, and do not appreciate it. So, I choose not to have

conversations or contact with you.

You are free to have whatever relationship you want with my Mom, and I

m not trying to control your choices. But my choices are that I won t

have a relationship with people who insist on discussing her with me.

So , goodbye. Please do not contact me anymore. "

>

> Mia

>

Several of us on here have found great help dealing with the toxic

people in our lives from the book , Safe People, by Cloud and Townsend.

I think you would too. I also predict you will find a description of

your mom, and your pseudo sister in law.

Good luck!

Doug