Like Daughter like Mother

[Guest guest]

Tired of the crap, and want to just move away and separate myself the best I can

from the madness, so maybe I can get better. For along time I had dreamed of

moving to Alaska, because so much of the unspoiled beauty, but I think to get

away as well.

I have not written a lot lately, I think because I feel there is nothing I can

do and I tend to try to keep myself busy in other things separate from my

immediate family, so there is less drama. I guess I am writing this to calm me

down from doing something or saying something I might regret, from anger. I also

know that if not done in the right way it will not matter at all, and I will

look like the bad guy, cause that is all others will see. I also know I have

been extra sensitive lately to a lot of the BS, and trying to find that balance

of being a assertive from being angrily explosive.

There is a lot more events than I am writing here, but I am trying to keep this

relatively short, not to bore everyone. LOL

First, there was an incident in my immediate family Christmas Eve celebration,

which includes my mother, two sisters and their two kids each. We have dinner,

than have a procession through the living room singing Silent Night, and put a

blanket on baby Jesus in the Nativity scene. I read a little bit form the bible

about the birth of Christ, than we sing more Christmas carols. Before if

something happened i would just explode which did not help matters, for than

everyone would be looking at me as the bad guy. My mother was trying to remember

the tune for a Christmas song that was not the normal Christmas carols we sing

for it was not specifically about Jesus. As she was trying to get the tune right

others said they did not know it either, for they never sing it. Others starting

talking waiting for my mother to get the tune right. I than said that we

normally do not sing that song that is why. Than others said the same, and than

have a few seconds my mother acted is if she was interrupted by me and scolded

me by saying', " J.... Please stop interrupting! Now I lost the tune! " Not only

was that reply very late, but everyone else was talking about the same thing

before and after. This has happened many times before, but I know ignoring it

does not make it better and need to stand up for myself in the right way, and

have done that all of my life, and it has made things worse. I am trying to be

more assertive, and felt I needed to say something and not let it go, for my

mother tends to have a target on me that my sisters tend to follow along with.

Before, I have always just ignored these things or interrupted in anger, which

does not do me any good either. I had said, " geez, all of these other people

talking and my name is the only name mentioned? " My one sister gave me a dirty

look, and I said " What, why are you looking at me like that? " My mother said

" Never mind, let it go. " Obviously, probably them forgetting, I was videotaping

the whole thing. I keep thinking to myself, like I normally do, " Am I crazy, did

I do something wrong. " I decided to review the video tape to see if this was

so, because watching yourself in third person, you can see the reality of it. I

also know I consistently second guess myself, for being raised with this

insanity, and see that I tend to get ganged up on. What I thought was true, and

I saw everyone talking saying several things before and after I said the one

thing, and saw not only my one sister giving me a dirty look, but saw my other

sister do the same, and slam down her song sheets when my mother told me to stop

interrupting her. The sister that slammed down her papers, obviously did not

know what was going on and only did so ever hearing my mother. Watching proof

in the video tape only helps myself, because with my mother and one sister that

have BPD, it will not matter and they will do everything and anything, including

changing what happened, or make up something that happened before that etc. it

is more for my benefit to show myself that I am not entirely crazy of just

seeing things at that moment because of my hurt feelings, and if I did do

something wrong to try to do better next time.

Last night we had our extended family Christmas party. We put on a Christmas

variety show with many different kinds of acts ranging from comedy, drama and

dance. My Uncle DJ's the event, and people were approaching him to play certain

music, and explaining to him his cue. I waited patiently as my one cousin was

explaining this to him, so I could explain my act. Than came my turn and as I

was talking to him explaining to him about his cue for the music, my one sister

with BPD walked right up, said not excuse me etc and just started talking to him

like I was not there. He looked up took care of her and I was pretty mad,

especially because her and my mother will get really upset at everyone else for

interrupting their monologues that do not allow conversation. I did not say

anything even though I was angry, for it did not matter and it would just make

me look like the bad guy in front of my Uncle, not realizing that she and my

mother do this all of the time like I do not exist. I walked outside and had a

smoke, since it was taking my sister along time to explain her cue to my uncle.

When I came back in i saw that he was free and started back up again about

explaining my skit to him and cue, as he said " where were we? " As I started to

do that, who do you think came up and did exactly what my sister just did to me,

but my mother! I was so hurt and got very angry, and exclaimed to my mother "

Mom, I was already here talking to Uncle, and my sister just did the same thing

you are doing now! My Nada said she did not know and said go ahead, but now I

felt like a heel, and told her she could go which she didn't of course because I

just scolded her, so I went on explaining to my uncle and walked away.

My other sister who I guess does not have BPD, but seems very immoral just the

same, parked in handicapped parking at the family party . I thought she just

parked there temporally to unload some stuff and than would move, but she did

not. Even to unload is not right, but I guess I was making that excuse in my

mind to keep from confronting her and giving her the benefit of the doubt. For

the record I am disabled and have a handicapped parking sticker. You would think

it would be easier to confront someone being handicapped myself, but it is not,

especially when I am part of this insanity that I am always wrong no matter on

what or who. Many times I feel embarrassed using the handicapped sticker, and

will even park in the handicapped spot the furthest away, for someone that might

have a wheelchair or something. I did this there, and here comes my sister who

parks in the closet handicapped parking there is and stayed there. I was so

upset by this, that even today I searched and called up my local county to see

if they have a volunteer training program for people like me to issue tickets to

violators like they do in many other counties and states. They told me they

tried starting one up, but were poo pooed because they felt it would be a

liability. Usually I do not see this problem in the cities, for I think there

are more police patrols and meter maids etc. I actually see this more frequently

in the country, and to see my own my own sister do this when she has a

handicapped brother, just makes me feel I do not exist. if I do not exist. I

might as well just move to another state for I would not be missed, and I know

that.

I am just tired of this insanity, and being 37 years, you would think I would

have some kinda of grip on this kind of crap. I know I can't change them and

practicing to move myself emotionally further and further away from them,

ultimately getting myself ready to not participate with them anymore to keep my

sanity. It makes it even worse because that might mean separating from my

beautiful Nephews and Nieces as well, whom I adore.