Re: I'm new-help!

[Guest guest]

Hi & welcome to the group. I can say that I do get missing your mother, but

I also have to say I'm over that part of my life. I've been no contact with

mine for over a year now and feel it's the best decision I ever could have

made for myself.

I think you should try & reflect on what you feel will be the best, safest &

healthiest decision for YOU. Because no two people are alike, no two

situations, etc.

If you have tried to contact her in the past and she has rejected you (Yes,

ouch!), you may be setting yourself up for more heartache. I hate to say

it, but it sounds like a good possibility.

I wish I had some good advice to give you but sadly I don't.

But congratulations on your engagement & upcoming wedding! That's very

exciting. And no matter what happens, please try to enjoy this time in your

life. You deserve to be happy!

Mia

[Guest guest]

Hello StrongSeaWoman,

I can understand your wish for an opportunity to have a

relationship with your mother. Hope springs eternal and giving

up on it is hard. Before you decide whether or not to try to

contact her again, there are some things I think you should

consider. First, if you contact her and she still doesn't want

anything to do with you, are you prepared to deal with having

your hopes not just dashed, but thrown on the ground and stomped

on? If you're not prepared for that, I wouldn't try to contact

her.

Second, even if she's had a change of heart and wants contact

with you again, she's still going to have BPD. BPD doesn't go

away. (A few people manage to get it more under control with

lots of therapy and effort, but they still have it. Most people

who have it never even try to get help with it because they

can't admit that they have a problem.) Emotional events, like

weddings, tend to really bring out the BPD symptoms, even worse

than they are on a regular basis. Think about the worst of her

behavior. Are you prepared to have her acting that way at your

wedding? Are you prepared for her to try to make the whole event

about her rather than about you and your spouse? That's what

typically happens with a BPD mother. If you're secretly hoping

that she'll be a normal mother who acts joyful about your

wedding and supports you, that's not likely to happen.

If you've given thought to those things, and still want to try

to contact her, is there anyone you could get to act as an

intermediary? I think you'd be more likely to get good results

if someone who is currently in her good graces could convince

her that it was her idea to get in touch with you rather than

your desire to get in touch with her. The best way to get my

nada to do anything is to let her become convinced that doing it

is her own idea. People who have BPD tend to not be receptive to

other people's ideas because they believe their own ideas are

always right. That makes it hard for them to accept changes

initiated by other people.

If you are successful in establishing contact again, and want

her involved in your wedding, there have been some good tips

given here in the past for how to successfully include a nada in

a wedding with a minimum amount of unpleastness.

At 08:46 AM 01/09/2011 strongseawoman wrote:

> I'm brand new to this group and it's not easy for me to ask

> for help or trust the help that comes. But: I need support!

> My mother has BPD (I'm 99% sure) and she was incredibly

> abusive physically, mentally, emotionally and even sexually

> throughout my childhood. I'm grown now and live FAR away from

> her.

> I'm getting married in June and a flood of emotions have

> invaided my normal, rational, balanced life. I haven't had

> contact with my mother for 9 years. I've tried to call

> several times throughout the years and always am told " I don't

> know who you are but I don't have a daughter " and then hung up

> on. [ow!]

> I have recently been considering reaching out to my mother

> again just to see if she is still in the same place emotionally.

> I feel such pain and loss though it's been years apart from

> her. I I keep thinking, what if she's had a change of heart

> and I miss the opportunity to have my mother rejoin my life

> for my wedding?

> A lot of the BPD support info I see out there is for those

> who are currently in a relationship with the BPD and looking

> to get out so I guess in a way my situation is ideal; she

> doesn't contact me and, in fact, denies my existance. Despite

> everything I have suffered as a result of her illness, I

> really miss her and I love her and I want to have some kind of

> a relationship with her.

> Perhaps you are reading this an thinking, " that crazy woman,

> she has no idea how great she has it! " .

> If you are thinking, " I get it, I miss my BPD too " maybe you

> can help to support me in my difficult rite of passage.

>

>Thank you for letting me share,

>StrongSeaWoman

--

Katrina

[Guest guest]

Hello StrongSeaWoman,

I can understand your wish for an opportunity to have a

relationship with your mother. Hope springs eternal and giving

up on it is hard. Before you decide whether or not to try to

contact her again, there are some things I think you should

consider. First, if you contact her and she still doesn't want

anything to do with you, are you prepared to deal with having

your hopes not just dashed, but thrown on the ground and stomped

on? If you're not prepared for that, I wouldn't try to contact

her.

Second, even if she's had a change of heart and wants contact

with you again, she's still going to have BPD. BPD doesn't go

away. (A few people manage to get it more under control with

lots of therapy and effort, but they still have it. Most people

who have it never even try to get help with it because they

can't admit that they have a problem.) Emotional events, like

weddings, tend to really bring out the BPD symptoms, even worse

than they are on a regular basis. Think about the worst of her

behavior. Are you prepared to have her acting that way at your

wedding? Are you prepared for her to try to make the whole event

about her rather than about you and your spouse? That's what

typically happens with a BPD mother. If you're secretly hoping

that she'll be a normal mother who acts joyful about your

wedding and supports you, that's not likely to happen.

If you've given thought to those things, and still want to try

to contact her, is there anyone you could get to act as an

intermediary? I think you'd be more likely to get good results

if someone who is currently in her good graces could convince

her that it was her idea to get in touch with you rather than

your desire to get in touch with her. The best way to get my

nada to do anything is to let her become convinced that doing it

is her own idea. People who have BPD tend to not be receptive to

other people's ideas because they believe their own ideas are

always right. That makes it hard for them to accept changes

initiated by other people.

If you are successful in establishing contact again, and want

her involved in your wedding, there have been some good tips

given here in the past for how to successfully include a nada in

a wedding with a minimum amount of unpleastness.

At 08:46 AM 01/09/2011 strongseawoman wrote:

> I'm brand new to this group and it's not easy for me to ask

> for help or trust the help that comes. But: I need support!

> My mother has BPD (I'm 99% sure) and she was incredibly

> abusive physically, mentally, emotionally and even sexually

> throughout my childhood. I'm grown now and live FAR away from

> her.

> I'm getting married in June and a flood of emotions have

> invaided my normal, rational, balanced life. I haven't had

> contact with my mother for 9 years. I've tried to call

> several times throughout the years and always am told " I don't

> know who you are but I don't have a daughter " and then hung up

> on. [ow!]

> I have recently been considering reaching out to my mother

> again just to see if she is still in the same place emotionally.

> I feel such pain and loss though it's been years apart from

> her. I I keep thinking, what if she's had a change of heart

> and I miss the opportunity to have my mother rejoin my life

> for my wedding?

> A lot of the BPD support info I see out there is for those

> who are currently in a relationship with the BPD and looking

> to get out so I guess in a way my situation is ideal; she

> doesn't contact me and, in fact, denies my existance. Despite

> everything I have suffered as a result of her illness, I

> really miss her and I love her and I want to have some kind of

> a relationship with her.

> Perhaps you are reading this an thinking, " that crazy woman,

> she has no idea how great she has it! " .

> If you are thinking, " I get it, I miss my BPD too " maybe you

> can help to support me in my difficult rite of passage.

>

>Thank you for letting me share,

>StrongSeaWoman

--

Katrina

[Guest guest]

I understand the thought of missing the nada. But here's the thing...she's a

nada in our minds for a reason. Regardless of nada's revered position in our

lives, she is not a mother. What we miss is not having a mother, not nada.

There is a difference.

Love yourself enough to mourn the loss of your mother is the best advice I can

give. I've been where you are and that shred of hope is the one thing she has

to hook into. It's a goat I had to learn to tie up somewhere else so I wouldn't

be hurt. Now, I have no mother. I have a nada. She lives as she chooses to,

abusing herself and me. I deserve better than to have an abusive nada so do

nothing to reach out to her. It's not a matter of anger, it's a matter of

self-respect for what is healthy for me.

You can work with these feelings without having your pain reinforced by nada.

But that's just me. I do not believe abusive people have the right to abuse us

and expect us to still try to be in their lives. Abusive people need to go get

help very far from me.

I know it hurts but think about what it is for you...do you miss the idea of

what, in your mind, you think a mother should be or do you really miss nada. If

what you have is nothing but abusive, you have a nada and not a mother. Like

SWOE says, you may need to do some mourning to help you to heal.

I wish you the very best, lots of love and healing for this journey. Take care

of you.

J

>

> I'm brand new to this group and it's not easy for me to ask for help or

trust the help that comes. But: I need support!

> My mother has BPD (I'm 99% sure) and she was incredibly abusive physically,

mentally, emotionally and even sexually throughout my childhood. I'm grown now

and live FAR away from her.

> I'm getting married in June and a flood of emotions have invaided my normal,

rational, balanced life. I haven't had contact with my mother for 9 years.

I've tried to call several times throughout the years and always am told " I

don't know who you are but I don't have a daughter " and then hung up on. [ow!]

> I have recently been considering reaching out to my mother again just to see

if she is still in the same place emotionally.

> I feel such pain and loss though it's been years apart from her. I I keep

thinking, what if she's had a change of heart and I miss the opportunity to have

my mother rejoin my life for my wedding?

> A lot of the BPD support info I see out there is for those who are currently

in a relationship with the BPD and looking to get out so I guess in a way my

situation is ideal; she doesn't contact me and, in fact, denies my existance.

Despite everything I have suffered as a result of her illness, I really miss her

and I love her and I want to have some kind of a relationship with her.

> Perhaps you are reading this an thinking, " that crazy woman, she has no idea

how great she has it! " .

> If you are thinking, " I get it, I miss my BPD too " maybe you can help to

support me in my difficult rite of passage.

>

> Thank you for letting me share,

> StrongSeaWoman

>

[Guest guest]

I understand the thought of missing the nada. But here's the thing...she's a

nada in our minds for a reason. Regardless of nada's revered position in our

lives, she is not a mother. What we miss is not having a mother, not nada.

There is a difference.

Love yourself enough to mourn the loss of your mother is the best advice I can

give. I've been where you are and that shred of hope is the one thing she has

to hook into. It's a goat I had to learn to tie up somewhere else so I wouldn't

be hurt. Now, I have no mother. I have a nada. She lives as she chooses to,

abusing herself and me. I deserve better than to have an abusive nada so do

nothing to reach out to her. It's not a matter of anger, it's a matter of

self-respect for what is healthy for me.

You can work with these feelings without having your pain reinforced by nada.

But that's just me. I do not believe abusive people have the right to abuse us

and expect us to still try to be in their lives. Abusive people need to go get

help very far from me.

I know it hurts but think about what it is for you...do you miss the idea of

what, in your mind, you think a mother should be or do you really miss nada. If

what you have is nothing but abusive, you have a nada and not a mother. Like

SWOE says, you may need to do some mourning to help you to heal.

I wish you the very best, lots of love and healing for this journey. Take care

of you.

J

>

> I'm brand new to this group and it's not easy for me to ask for help or

trust the help that comes. But: I need support!

> My mother has BPD (I'm 99% sure) and she was incredibly abusive physically,

mentally, emotionally and even sexually throughout my childhood. I'm grown now

and live FAR away from her.

> I'm getting married in June and a flood of emotions have invaided my normal,

rational, balanced life. I haven't had contact with my mother for 9 years.

I've tried to call several times throughout the years and always am told " I

don't know who you are but I don't have a daughter " and then hung up on. [ow!]

> I have recently been considering reaching out to my mother again just to see

if she is still in the same place emotionally.

> I feel such pain and loss though it's been years apart from her. I I keep

thinking, what if she's had a change of heart and I miss the opportunity to have

my mother rejoin my life for my wedding?

> A lot of the BPD support info I see out there is for those who are currently

in a relationship with the BPD and looking to get out so I guess in a way my

situation is ideal; she doesn't contact me and, in fact, denies my existance.

Despite everything I have suffered as a result of her illness, I really miss her

and I love her and I want to have some kind of a relationship with her.

> Perhaps you are reading this an thinking, " that crazy woman, she has no idea

how great she has it! " .

> If you are thinking, " I get it, I miss my BPD too " maybe you can help to

support me in my difficult rite of passage.

>

> Thank you for letting me share,

> StrongSeaWoman

>

[Guest guest]

I understand the thought of missing the nada. But here's the thing...she's a

nada in our minds for a reason. Regardless of nada's revered position in our

lives, she is not a mother. What we miss is not having a mother, not nada.

There is a difference.

Love yourself enough to mourn the loss of your mother is the best advice I can

give. I've been where you are and that shred of hope is the one thing she has

to hook into. It's a goat I had to learn to tie up somewhere else so I wouldn't

be hurt. Now, I have no mother. I have a nada. She lives as she chooses to,

abusing herself and me. I deserve better than to have an abusive nada so do

nothing to reach out to her. It's not a matter of anger, it's a matter of

self-respect for what is healthy for me.

You can work with these feelings without having your pain reinforced by nada.

But that's just me. I do not believe abusive people have the right to abuse us

and expect us to still try to be in their lives. Abusive people need to go get

help very far from me.

I know it hurts but think about what it is for you...do you miss the idea of

what, in your mind, you think a mother should be or do you really miss nada. If

what you have is nothing but abusive, you have a nada and not a mother. Like

SWOE says, you may need to do some mourning to help you to heal.

I wish you the very best, lots of love and healing for this journey. Take care

of you.

J

>

> I'm brand new to this group and it's not easy for me to ask for help or

trust the help that comes. But: I need support!

> My mother has BPD (I'm 99% sure) and she was incredibly abusive physically,

mentally, emotionally and even sexually throughout my childhood. I'm grown now

and live FAR away from her.

> I'm getting married in June and a flood of emotions have invaided my normal,

rational, balanced life. I haven't had contact with my mother for 9 years.

I've tried to call several times throughout the years and always am told " I

don't know who you are but I don't have a daughter " and then hung up on. [ow!]

> I have recently been considering reaching out to my mother again just to see

if she is still in the same place emotionally.

> I feel such pain and loss though it's been years apart from her. I I keep

thinking, what if she's had a change of heart and I miss the opportunity to have

my mother rejoin my life for my wedding?

> A lot of the BPD support info I see out there is for those who are currently

in a relationship with the BPD and looking to get out so I guess in a way my

situation is ideal; she doesn't contact me and, in fact, denies my existance.

Despite everything I have suffered as a result of her illness, I really miss her

and I love her and I want to have some kind of a relationship with her.

> Perhaps you are reading this an thinking, " that crazy woman, she has no idea

how great she has it! " .

> If you are thinking, " I get it, I miss my BPD too " maybe you can help to

support me in my difficult rite of passage.

>

> Thank you for letting me share,

> StrongSeaWoman

>

[Guest guest]

Hi StrongSeaWoman, first welcome to the group I hope you'll find much help.

I've been on this group off and on for a number of years and one theme comes up

over and over again, BPD mothers (nadas) often ruin the weddings and childbirths

of their daughters. You are only going to get married to your husband once -

I'd encourage you to protect that day if no other. There's two books that

really address the profound need and bonding that can be generated by growing up

with a BPD parent that might speak to you - Trauma Bonding and " Leaving Home " by

Celani. Celani's book is about people who are enmeshed but can't leave,

but he speaks a lot about the part of the psyche that still holds the hope and

need for the love of the abusive parent. Trauma Bonding is about how growing

up dependent on someone who is abusive can lead to an unnaturally strong bond.

The desire to have our mother's love is primal, in the genes, in our bones. I

still struggle with it to this day even though my mother is in my life, and it

still hurts every time she says or does something that shows me that she doesn't

love me, doesn't even see me. Please be careful Strongseawoman, perhaps spend a

few years after your marriage strengthening your life before taking this on.

Good luck,

>

> I'm brand new to this group and it's not easy for me to ask for help or

trust the help that comes. But: I need support!

> My mother has BPD (I'm 99% sure) and she was incredibly abusive physically,

mentally, emotionally and even sexually throughout my childhood. I'm grown now

and live FAR away from her.

> I'm getting married in June and a flood of emotions have invaided my normal,

rational, balanced life. I haven't had contact with my mother for 9 years.

I've tried to call several times throughout the years and always am told " I

don't know who you are but I don't have a daughter " and then hung up on. [ow!]

> I have recently been considering reaching out to my mother again just to see

if she is still in the same place emotionally.

> I feel such pain and loss though it's been years apart from her. I I keep

thinking, what if she's had a change of heart and I miss the opportunity to have

my mother rejoin my life for my wedding?

> A lot of the BPD support info I see out there is for those who are currently

in a relationship with the BPD and looking to get out so I guess in a way my

situation is ideal; she doesn't contact me and, in fact, denies my existance.

Despite everything I have suffered as a result of her illness, I really miss her

and I love her and I want to have some kind of a relationship with her.

> Perhaps you are reading this an thinking, " that crazy woman, she has no idea

how great she has it! " .

> If you are thinking, " I get it, I miss my BPD too " maybe you can help to

support me in my difficult rite of passage.

>

> Thank you for letting me share,

> StrongSeaWoman

>

[Guest guest]

Hi SSW,

Welcome to the group. Like you I am what we call NC (no contact) with my

nada (not a mother) for nearly a decade. I will hit the 8 year mark in

Marchish. I have 3 big tips for you.

1) Read all the books - Stop Walking on Eggshells, Emotional Blackmail and

my fav is Understanding the Borderline Mother. Do whatever you can to get

them. They can add up cost wise, so I usually buy mine used on amazon.com

2) Participate in this group. You will find a host of helpful people who

have had experiences so close to yours it will startle you.

and

3) And this is the big one. Therapy. I only finally found a therapist I

clicked with in late summer early fall of this year after a lifetime of

trying Wow. Believe me she is a gem I won't be letting get away from me.

Look for someone you click with. If it isn't a good match, move on. I've

seen oh probably 5 therapists at least and then I finally found the right

one. It is amazing what it is doing for me.

I'd say with a wedding coming up, now is the time to invest in your mental

health. Make it a top priority. Just this weekend I also found a group

called Adult Survivors of Child Abuse - look into that. They have an online

manual I am reading that has good stuff in it - steps to healing. It is only

through therapy that I found I could accept the word " abuse " and apply it to

my experiences. When I hear you say we will think " you have it so good, " it

sounds like my own FOO (family of origin) talking in my head. My therapist

(we call it a " T " ) told me that for 7 years I've not had contact with my

nada who was absolutely effing abusive to me. But I've been living under her

rules, with her beliefs and I haven't been able to shake the thoughts that

they taught me. Hence I am in therapy where I learned for the first time in

35 years of life that I am allowed to have positive thoughts about myself.

Who knew?

Good luck, Girlscout

On Sun, Jan 9, 2011 at 12:30 PM, climberkayak wrote:

>

>

> Hi StrongSeaWoman, first welcome to the group I hope you'll find much help.

> I've been on this group off and on for a number of years and one theme comes

> up over and over again, BPD mothers (nadas) often ruin the weddings and

> childbirths of their daughters. You are only going to get married to your

> husband once - I'd encourage you to protect that day if no other. There's

> two books that really address the profound need and bonding that can be

> generated by growing up with a BPD parent that might speak to you - Trauma

> Bonding and " Leaving Home " by Celani. Celani's book is about people

> who are enmeshed but can't leave, but he speaks a lot about the part of the

> psyche that still holds the hope and need for the love of the abusive

> parent. Trauma Bonding is about how growing up dependent on someone who is

> abusive can lead to an unnaturally strong bond.

>

> The desire to have our mother's love is primal, in the genes, in our bones.

> I still struggle with it to this day even though my mother is in my life,

> and it still hurts every time she says or does something that shows me that

> she doesn't love me, doesn't even see me. Please be careful Strongseawoman,

> perhaps spend a few years after your marriage strengthening your life before

> taking this on.

>

> Good luck,

>

>

>

>

> >

> > I'm brand new to this group and it's not easy for me to ask for help or

> trust the help that comes. But: I need support!

> > My mother has BPD (I'm 99% sure) and she was incredibly abusive

> physically, mentally, emotionally and even sexually throughout my childhood.

> I'm grown now and live FAR away from her.

> > I'm getting married in June and a flood of emotions have invaided my

> normal, rational, balanced life. I haven't had contact with my mother for 9

> years. I've tried to call several times throughout the years and always am

> told " I don't know who you are but I don't have a daughter " and then hung up

> on. [ow!]

> > I have recently been considering reaching out to my mother again just to

> see if she is still in the same place emotionally.

> > I feel such pain and loss though it's been years apart from her. I I keep

> thinking, what if she's had a change of heart and I miss the opportunity to

> have my mother rejoin my life for my wedding?

> > A lot of the BPD support info I see out there is for those who are

> currently in a relationship with the BPD and looking to get out so I guess

> in a way my situation is ideal; she doesn't contact me and, in fact, denies

> my existance. Despite everything I have suffered as a result of her illness,

> I really miss her and I love her and I want to have some kind of a

> relationship with her.

> > Perhaps you are reading this an thinking, " that crazy woman, she has no

> idea how great she has it! " .

> > If you are thinking, " I get it, I miss my BPD too " maybe you can help to

> support me in my difficult rite of passage.

> >

> > Thank you for letting me share,

> > StrongSeaWoman

> >

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

>

>I I keep thinking, what if she's had a change of heart and I miss the

opportunity to have my mother rejoin my life for my wedding?

>

I can understand the desire to have a mother there at such an important event.

It is really difficult when we realize that we never really had a mother (even

those of us who ARE still in contact). There is a lot to grieve.

My response when I read your statement above was: Well, if she had a change of

heart, SHE would be tracking YOU down in order to offer you her sincere

apology--and she wouldn't expect you to forgive her, she'd just let you know how

sorry she was that she hurt you so much.

We really need our moms sometimes, and it's sad that we don't have a real one.

We have to parent ourselves. Some people also find it helpful to find a sort of

surrogate mom, a safe older woman who is willing to love us and listen to us,

even if it's not quite as close as the wonderful mother-daughter relationship we

fantasize about. I have a wonderful godmother that I get to visit with a couple

of times a year. We maintain our own boundaries and identity, but she is always

willing to listen and offer advice if I ask for it. Is there anyone in your

life that might be able to be a friend to you like that?

I wish you the best as you prepare for your marriage, and as you continue to

heal from these deep wounds. I'm glad you found this board; it has been very

helpful to me, and I know you will find validation and understanding here.

KT

[Guest guest]

>

>I I keep thinking, what if she's had a change of heart and I miss the

opportunity to have my mother rejoin my life for my wedding?

>

I can understand the desire to have a mother there at such an important event.

It is really difficult when we realize that we never really had a mother (even

those of us who ARE still in contact). There is a lot to grieve.

My response when I read your statement above was: Well, if she had a change of

heart, SHE would be tracking YOU down in order to offer you her sincere

apology--and she wouldn't expect you to forgive her, she'd just let you know how

sorry she was that she hurt you so much.

We really need our moms sometimes, and it's sad that we don't have a real one.

We have to parent ourselves. Some people also find it helpful to find a sort of

surrogate mom, a safe older woman who is willing to love us and listen to us,

even if it's not quite as close as the wonderful mother-daughter relationship we

fantasize about. I have a wonderful godmother that I get to visit with a couple

of times a year. We maintain our own boundaries and identity, but she is always

willing to listen and offer advice if I ask for it. Is there anyone in your

life that might be able to be a friend to you like that?

I wish you the best as you prepare for your marriage, and as you continue to

heal from these deep wounds. I'm glad you found this board; it has been very

helpful to me, and I know you will find validation and understanding here.

KT