Guest guest Posted January 9, 2011 Report Share Posted January 9, 2011 I second Doug's advice to rescue children from an undiagnosed, untreated, severely emotionally dysregulated, abusive or negligent, volatile, punitive, blame-projecting, manipulative, empathyless, personality-disordered parent. If getting sole custody is simply not possible, then (a) get the children into a good therapist ASAP: an experienced, compassionate therapist who understands the kind of damage having a severely bpd mom does to kids and ( provide the children with the most emotionally stable, calm, rational, predictable, consistent, and loving home you can humanly provide. If you can't get sole custody, then I suggest sending the boys to live at a boarding school if that will get them away from their abusive mother more effectively, and sending them to a sleep-away summer camp as well. Anything that breaks their daily exposure to abuse by their mother is better than their being trapped with her half the time. When they're with you, the children need to know for the sake of their own mental health and emotional growth that they are good kids, and they did not make their mother mentally ill. Tell them that no child deserves abuse or neglect. The boys will need to hear that and feel that reassurance from you over and over and over again: that they are good kids, and they aren't to blame for their mother's personality disorder. These boys will very likely feel torn in two, because on the one hand they are hardwired to be loyal to and protective of their mother, even though she is abusive to them and shredding their sense of self-worth. Its a paradox called " trauma bonding. " You'll have your work cut out for you to try to counteract the emotional damage they're sustaining without going in the opposite direction (which is equally damaging) and spoiling them: overindulging them; giving praise for no effort; giving no consequences for bad behavior. I also suggest getting yourself as educated as possible RE what personality disorder is by reading books like " Understanding The Borderline Mother " and " Surviving A Borderline Parent " . Read up about trauma bonding. Read up about the issues of raising children when they've had a history of abuse/neglect. Maybe take some parenting classes. I hope that helps. -Annie > I know my advice may seem rather strong. You ll find a number will > jump in and second it. No one who hasnt lived with it can appreciate > how thoroughly it can screw you up. All of us lament and bemoan one > fact over and over. > > Why, if they could seem that mom was so screwy, that something was > wrong with her, didnt some of the other adults in my life come and > rescue me? Why didnt anyone care enough to get me the hell out of > there. > > I promise you , someday, those boys will wonder the same thing. > > Ok, direct from the gut. You asked my advice and counsel, and there it > is. > > Good luck > > Doug > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 9, 2011 Report Share Posted January 9, 2011 I second Doug's advice to rescue children from an undiagnosed, untreated, severely emotionally dysregulated, abusive or negligent, volatile, punitive, blame-projecting, manipulative, empathyless, personality-disordered parent. If getting sole custody is simply not possible, then (a) get the children into a good therapist ASAP: an experienced, compassionate therapist who understands the kind of damage having a severely bpd mom does to kids and ( provide the children with the most emotionally stable, calm, rational, predictable, consistent, and loving home you can humanly provide. If you can't get sole custody, then I suggest sending the boys to live at a boarding school if that will get them away from their abusive mother more effectively, and sending them to a sleep-away summer camp as well. Anything that breaks their daily exposure to abuse by their mother is better than their being trapped with her half the time. When they're with you, the children need to know for the sake of their own mental health and emotional growth that they are good kids, and they did not make their mother mentally ill. Tell them that no child deserves abuse or neglect. The boys will need to hear that and feel that reassurance from you over and over and over again: that they are good kids, and they aren't to blame for their mother's personality disorder. These boys will very likely feel torn in two, because on the one hand they are hardwired to be loyal to and protective of their mother, even though she is abusive to them and shredding their sense of self-worth. Its a paradox called " trauma bonding. " You'll have your work cut out for you to try to counteract the emotional damage they're sustaining without going in the opposite direction (which is equally damaging) and spoiling them: overindulging them; giving praise for no effort; giving no consequences for bad behavior. I also suggest getting yourself as educated as possible RE what personality disorder is by reading books like " Understanding The Borderline Mother " and " Surviving A Borderline Parent " . Read up about trauma bonding. Read up about the issues of raising children when they've had a history of abuse/neglect. Maybe take some parenting classes. I hope that helps. -Annie > I know my advice may seem rather strong. You ll find a number will > jump in and second it. No one who hasnt lived with it can appreciate > how thoroughly it can screw you up. All of us lament and bemoan one > fact over and over. > > Why, if they could seem that mom was so screwy, that something was > wrong with her, didnt some of the other adults in my life come and > rescue me? Why didnt anyone care enough to get me the hell out of > there. > > I promise you , someday, those boys will wonder the same thing. > > Ok, direct from the gut. You asked my advice and counsel, and there it > is. > > Good luck > > Doug > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 10, 2011 Report Share Posted January 10, 2011 Hi there, I second what Doug just posted. I think those poor kids are lucky to have you as a 'surrogate' mom, and they will be exposed to a normal, healthy family life when they spend time at your house. Being a child of a BPD is very, very hard. You are constantly exposed to their mind tricks, manipulations, emotional (and sometimes physical) violence. It takes years to understand that Mom's behaviour is not 'normal' and that it is very damaging. If you can, get them out of there. If you can't, try and convince yuor husband to increase the amount of time they spend at your house. More time away from her, the better. Suicidal BPD moms are NOT really fit to raise kids. good luck > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 10, 2011 Report Share Posted January 10, 2011 Hi there, I second what Doug just posted. I think those poor kids are lucky to have you as a 'surrogate' mom, and they will be exposed to a normal, healthy family life when they spend time at your house. Being a child of a BPD is very, very hard. You are constantly exposed to their mind tricks, manipulations, emotional (and sometimes physical) violence. It takes years to understand that Mom's behaviour is not 'normal' and that it is very damaging. If you can, get them out of there. If you can't, try and convince yuor husband to increase the amount of time they spend at your house. More time away from her, the better. Suicidal BPD moms are NOT really fit to raise kids. good luck > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 10, 2011 Report Share Posted January 10, 2011 Hi there, I second what Doug just posted. I think those poor kids are lucky to have you as a 'surrogate' mom, and they will be exposed to a normal, healthy family life when they spend time at your house. Being a child of a BPD is very, very hard. You are constantly exposed to their mind tricks, manipulations, emotional (and sometimes physical) violence. It takes years to understand that Mom's behaviour is not 'normal' and that it is very damaging. If you can, get them out of there. If you can't, try and convince yuor husband to increase the amount of time they spend at your house. More time away from her, the better. Suicidal BPD moms are NOT really fit to raise kids. good luck > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 10, 2011 Report Share Posted January 10, 2011 I Second Doug's nomination!!!! On Mon, Jan 10, 2011 at 1:27 AM, survivingko wrote: > > > Hi there, > I second what Doug just posted. I think those poor kids are lucky to have > you as a 'surrogate' mom, and they will be exposed to a normal, healthy > family life when they spend time at your house. > > Being a child of a BPD is very, very hard. You are constantly exposed to > their mind tricks, manipulations, emotional (and sometimes physical) > violence. It takes years to understand that Mom's behaviour is not 'normal' > and that it is very damaging. > > If you can, get them out of there. If you can't, try and convince yuor > husband to increase the amount of time they spend at your house. More time > away from her, the better. > > Suicidal BPD moms are NOT really fit to raise kids. > > good luck > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 10, 2011 Report Share Posted January 10, 2011 I Second Doug's nomination!!!! On Mon, Jan 10, 2011 at 1:27 AM, survivingko wrote: > > > Hi there, > I second what Doug just posted. I think those poor kids are lucky to have > you as a 'surrogate' mom, and they will be exposed to a normal, healthy > family life when they spend time at your house. > > Being a child of a BPD is very, very hard. You are constantly exposed to > their mind tricks, manipulations, emotional (and sometimes physical) > violence. It takes years to understand that Mom's behaviour is not 'normal' > and that it is very damaging. > > If you can, get them out of there. If you can't, try and convince yuor > husband to increase the amount of time they spend at your house. More time > away from her, the better. > > Suicidal BPD moms are NOT really fit to raise kids. > > good luck > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 10, 2011 Report Share Posted January 10, 2011 I Second Doug's nomination!!!! On Mon, Jan 10, 2011 at 1:27 AM, survivingko wrote: > > > Hi there, > I second what Doug just posted. I think those poor kids are lucky to have > you as a 'surrogate' mom, and they will be exposed to a normal, healthy > family life when they spend time at your house. > > Being a child of a BPD is very, very hard. You are constantly exposed to > their mind tricks, manipulations, emotional (and sometimes physical) > violence. It takes years to understand that Mom's behaviour is not 'normal' > and that it is very damaging. > > If you can, get them out of there. If you can't, try and convince yuor > husband to increase the amount of time they spend at your house. More time > away from her, the better. > > Suicidal BPD moms are NOT really fit to raise kids. > > good luck > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 14, 2011 Report Share Posted January 14, 2011 Thank you so much to all who replied. I'm grateful for everything you've shared - it is truly eye-opening and very helpful to me. Thank you for your book and CD suggestions too, I'm sure reading those will help further. Our boys started seeing a child therapist after their mother's suicide attempt, and the therapist was very helpful to both the children and the family as a whole. But the boys' mother has threatened the therapist so outrageously that now he has refused to see the kids anymore. We are currently dealing with what to do about that. What I understand from your messages is that the children need validation, support, and to know that someone believes them. We need to make our home feel as safe and loving as possible, and we need to be as consistent and reliable as possible. We need to let them know that they are good kids, that they are not to blame for their mother's behaviour and that her emotions are not their fault. I also understand from your messages that their mother's BPD leaves them feeling fear, obligation, and guilt. And it also makes them feel failure, because they are made to feel that they are responsible for being their mother's emotional caretaker but because of her condition they can never make her better and so they can never suceed. I need to learn more about trauma bonding. I also understand that things that we need to do that seem more difficult are - make sure the boys feel they can come to us when someone treats them unfairly or makes them feel uncomfortable, and teach them how to safely say no to their mother, teach them how to love her without enabling her. These things seem more complex than the parenting tasks above because we don't want the kids to feel that their mother is " bad " or that they are " wrong " for loving her (the fact that they love their mother, even though she is BPD, makes them normal kids and if we say something that makes them feel that they shouldn't love her, we will invalidate their normal emotions). It's tricky. How do we enable them to identify when their mother may be doing something that is emotionally unhealthy for them but at the same time let them know that it's good to love her? How can that make sense to a child? Which leads me to a follow up question for anyone who would like to provide further guidance/advice: What is an appropriate age to explain a parent's BPD to a child? What is the appropriate way to do it and who is the appropriate person to explain it? Thank you again, for everyone's comments. Doug, you said that when the kids grow up they will wonder why no other caring adult around them rescued them from their BPD parent. You also said that our kids' mother will " never show you what they are subjected to " and that your own mother's wild suicide threats, for example, were something she did to you only when no other adult was around. I think part of the reason the other adults don't rescue a kid from a BPD parent is because, as you say, the BPD parent's behaviour is so hidden from everyone else and it's hard for the other adults to really imagine how bad it is. That is definitely the case with us - sending the boys to their mother's house for two days is like sending them into a black hole. They never talk about what goes on there, and when we ask they become uncomfortable and defensive, and so we stop asking because we don't want them to feel that way. There are no other adults there to observe what happens and if we were to ask their mother about it, we know that she would lie anyway. So that is why your comments are extremely helpful - it sheds light on what it might be like for a child who, at such a young age, can't be expected to fully understand or explain it themselves. Thanks again. > > > > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 14, 2011 Report Share Posted January 14, 2011 Thank you so much to all who replied. I'm grateful for everything you've shared - it is truly eye-opening and very helpful to me. Thank you for your book and CD suggestions too, I'm sure reading those will help further. Our boys started seeing a child therapist after their mother's suicide attempt, and the therapist was very helpful to both the children and the family as a whole. But the boys' mother has threatened the therapist so outrageously that now he has refused to see the kids anymore. We are currently dealing with what to do about that. What I understand from your messages is that the children need validation, support, and to know that someone believes them. We need to make our home feel as safe and loving as possible, and we need to be as consistent and reliable as possible. We need to let them know that they are good kids, that they are not to blame for their mother's behaviour and that her emotions are not their fault. I also understand from your messages that their mother's BPD leaves them feeling fear, obligation, and guilt. And it also makes them feel failure, because they are made to feel that they are responsible for being their mother's emotional caretaker but because of her condition they can never make her better and so they can never suceed. I need to learn more about trauma bonding. I also understand that things that we need to do that seem more difficult are - make sure the boys feel they can come to us when someone treats them unfairly or makes them feel uncomfortable, and teach them how to safely say no to their mother, teach them how to love her without enabling her. These things seem more complex than the parenting tasks above because we don't want the kids to feel that their mother is " bad " or that they are " wrong " for loving her (the fact that they love their mother, even though she is BPD, makes them normal kids and if we say something that makes them feel that they shouldn't love her, we will invalidate their normal emotions). It's tricky. How do we enable them to identify when their mother may be doing something that is emotionally unhealthy for them but at the same time let them know that it's good to love her? How can that make sense to a child? Which leads me to a follow up question for anyone who would like to provide further guidance/advice: What is an appropriate age to explain a parent's BPD to a child? What is the appropriate way to do it and who is the appropriate person to explain it? Thank you again, for everyone's comments. Doug, you said that when the kids grow up they will wonder why no other caring adult around them rescued them from their BPD parent. You also said that our kids' mother will " never show you what they are subjected to " and that your own mother's wild suicide threats, for example, were something she did to you only when no other adult was around. I think part of the reason the other adults don't rescue a kid from a BPD parent is because, as you say, the BPD parent's behaviour is so hidden from everyone else and it's hard for the other adults to really imagine how bad it is. That is definitely the case with us - sending the boys to their mother's house for two days is like sending them into a black hole. They never talk about what goes on there, and when we ask they become uncomfortable and defensive, and so we stop asking because we don't want them to feel that way. There are no other adults there to observe what happens and if we were to ask their mother about it, we know that she would lie anyway. So that is why your comments are extremely helpful - it sheds light on what it might be like for a child who, at such a young age, can't be expected to fully understand or explain it themselves. Thanks again. > > > > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 14, 2011 Report Share Posted January 14, 2011 Anniem, I'm glad you could take something away from everyones experiences. I think you are on the path to helping your step kids! It will be rough, and keep in mind that no parent is perfect. Just do your best and with good, loving intentions and those boys will be so grateful to have you. I'm sure they all ready are =) Just a thought I had reading your post: Is their mother abusive to them? I sure hope not, but if so (or even suspected) you & the kids' father might want to look into getting supervised visits when she does have them. I know that will mean a big fight as well as confrontation, but I think what triggered me to think of this was your statement about how the kids' therapist will no longer treat them because of her. That and you say that they won't talk about anything that happens at their mother's house. Granted, as a step mom myself, we don't usually bring up stuff with fiance's likely BPD ex wife when the kids are here either... we ask about school, etc, but try not to " pry " into what's going on at their mother's house. Sometimes when something is up, my step daughter will actually mention it to me. I'm glad she does. She's also in therapy. Anyway, I was just curious about their mom's behavior and hoping she's not abusive to them. Have you two been able to find them another therapist? As for your question regarding what age... I'm not sure it's any particular number, but more Dependant on the kids' maturity. That would be something that I would think a therapist could help you & your husband decide. I'm not really sure when is the right time, if there is one. Especially while they are children. I just don't know. Lots of luck to you! Mia > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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