Re: Seeking Advice

[Guest guest]

>

> How does having a parent with BPD affect someone in childhood, and then as an

adult? In our situation, since the children have two homes, what can my husband

and I do to protect the children from >these effects? This may be impossible -

so what can we do to >minimize those effects?

Hi, glad you found this board!

There are quite a lot of ways that having a PD'd parent might affect us. We

become highly anxious and depressed, we suffer from PTSD and nightmares, we are

often extremely passive or extremely aggressive, we develop chronic physical

pain (headaches, fibromyalgia, etc.), we have very weak personal boundaries and

become vulnerable to abuse from other people, and we develop a sense of chronic

guilt, among other things. Some of us, if we have no recourse or support, go on

to develop BPD or other personality disorders ourselves, or at least learn many

of the PD behaviors. Keep browsing through the messages to get an idea of what

life is like for us KOs (Kids Of Borderline parents), or you can also use the

search feature if you have a more specific topic you'd like to read about.

A parent is one of the most powerful influences in a child's life, and children

have a need to believe that their parent knows the truth about them. It is

incredibly damaging having an emotionally and psychologically (or otherwise)

abusive parent, because we internalize the messages we receive from our parent,

coming to believe that we are responsible for ensuring our pwBPD's happiness and

also the cause of all their misery. It takes a lot of work to un-learn all of

the unhealthy things our parents taught us to believe.

Your SSs are so incredibly lucky to have caregivers who are invested in their

well-being, and to get started on that work at such a young age. Knowing that

someone believes them will be so helpful for them. I get the feeling that most

of us here never had that kind of validation or support--I know I didn't.

IMO, the most important message you can give the boys is to tell them it's not

their fault. Even if they've done something maybe they shouldn't have, they are

good people and it's not their fault when their mother is upset. We are

bombarded with messages that tell us otherwise, and we really do need to hear

the truth over and over until we can believe it. (Did you ever see " Good Will

Hunting? " )

The next most important message will be that you and your husband love them and

want them to tell you when anyone makes them uncomfortable or upset or treats

them unfairly. They will need to know that someone believes them and that they

have a safe place to talk.

They will need to feel free to share their thoughts and feelings about their

mother, and to have someone who truly hears them and can validate their

experience. They will need to be taught tools for how to safely say no to their

mother when she is inappropriate, how to love her without enabling her, and how

to develop and maintain their own identities. They may feel more secure if they

have help and know it is okay to make a plan for how to escape when they do not

feel safe.

Have you and your husband ever given them the opportunity to visit with a

Therapist? If not, it could be very helpful. A trained therapist will also be

able to help guide you and your husband as you try to provide a safe and

nurturing environment where the boys can grow and heal. That would probably be

one of the best resources you could pursue for them.

Thank you for caring, thank you for reaching out for them. It may very well save

them.

KT