Learning to Look for Love in the Right Places

January 2, 2011

I'm paraphrasing a reading from my 12-step reading for today. Looking to find

love where it is, and let go of nada and fada-like folk with less resentment. It

is a challenge! Blessings to all.

~

How many times I have yearned for a “good” parent to nurture and support my

feelings, or a loving partner to comfort and hold me when I am afraid? Or

expected a “caring” child to want to pitch in when I was ill or overwhelmed?

When loved ones do not meet our expectations, it is our expectations of our

loved ones, not our loved ones, that have let us down.

Love is expressed in many ways, and those of us affected by family dysfunction

may not be able to express (or receive) it in the way we like. Yearnings are

natural, and we have a right to them. But, just as I would not go to a drugstore

for fresh produce, maybe I need to turn to someone other than my personality

disordered family member for nurturing or help.

Even functional people may not meet our needs. No one person will ever be able

to offer all that I require. If we stop insisting that our needs be met

according to our will, we may discover that all the love and support we need is

already present. I may be choosing NOT to belong the clubs that are holding our

their acceptance and love to me. On the other hand, when love is not offered,

we don’t have to feel deprived. Instead let me learn to recognize places like

this, or in well-established 12-step fellowships may be waiting for me to ask

for and get my needs met. With healthy encouragement and support, I am learning

to treat my needs as important and appropriate and to treat myself as deserving.

Let me recognize love whenever and however it is offered. This is called

“Looking for the Good.”

“In [recovery] I discover in myself the power to throw new light on a seemingly

hopeless situation. I learn I must use this power not to change the

[dysfunctional person], over whom I am powerless, but to overcome my own

distorted ideas and attitudes.” One Day at a Time in Al-anon

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