Re: gaslighting...1St nada, now sis

[Guest guest]

DUDE! Wow!

Personally, I'd block her on facebook. And I'd probably forget about the

mutal friends and build my own world without her. A person lying about you

behind your back and playing the " gay " card when you aren't biased against

gays would not be a friend of mine.

Sorry for your trouble.

>

>

> So I have been completely nc with nada since oct. It feels wonderful! I

> feel like the FOG has lifted and I can see clearly now. I was worried about

> the holidays but nada didn't try to contact us, not even a card to the kids.

> So everything was fine til a friend alerted me to my sis's facebook page,

> yes facebook.

> Now, we must backtrack 2 years to the day my sis called to tell me she was

> pg. I was happy for her, she had been trying for a long time. My sis has a

> bad habit of calling me when she is stressed and I have a bad habit of

> picking up the phone. Lol. When my sis is stressed she calls and picks a

> fight with me. She's been trained by the best of the best (nada) so

> sometimes I don't see it til its too late. Anyway, we stayed on the phone

> til sis found a button to push and then we argued for a few min over the

> fact that I didn't like my sis's partner. (This partner wanted NO parenting

> role in taking care of the baby and they even got a 2bedroom apt so the

> partner could have her own room so she didn't have to hear the baby cry!)

> They had been together for 5+ years and been trying to get pg for 2. Then

> the partner wanted a BABY CONTRACT absolving her of ANY childcare

> responsibilities unless she willingly volunteered. THIS is the problem I had

> with her, not that she is gay, but that her partner is a HORRIBLE person.

> So we got off the phone, and I figured in a few days it would blow

> over....nope. Shortly after that I got a phonecall from my. Aunt asking me

> if I really told my sis that she shouldn't have the baby, and if I truly

> believe that gay people should not have children?!?! I was shocked and

> devestated. I NEVER EVER said such a thing. My aunt knows my heart and KNEW

> I don't think like that, but she just wanted to make sure my sis was lying.

> So I was excluded from sis's whole pg, birth, etc because she had told all

> of the family and her friends that I wanted her to abort her baby and even

> went so far as to tell another family member that I said " its not gods will

> for gay people to have babies. " Wtf? I sent a gift to the baby shower via

> another family member, I heard she was getting discouraged as her due date

> went by so I sent a couple of encouraging emails (no response) and when the

> baby was born I was on the email list along with her coworkers, but nada

> didn't call me to tell me about the baby for nearly 2wks. I replied to the

> email with a resounding contratulations!

> now the baby is about to turn 1. A mutual friend asked (on facebook) if my

> sis had wished my twin sons a happy 13th birthday. My sis replied, for her

> 500 friends (40 or so who are mutual friends of ours) to read. " I don't

> think I am allowed to....Freak Auntie K with her FREAK family must remain

> SKELETONS IN THE CLOSET. " (her original emphasis) I have NEVER said she was a

> freak! I supported her even BEFORE she got pg when she was still just

> dreaming about parenthood. I have never ever said anything against her and

> her baby.....but even 2 years later she is still trying to gain sympathy for

> something that never occured! Her friends wrote back in support of

> her/dogging me a bit.

> so I shot her a pretty blunt email about her comment. She wrote back such a

> gaslighted response that even my husband looked at it and said " she's

> gaslighting you! " She wrote back that I am overreacting to her " tongue in

> cheek response to an awkward familial split. Seriously? So she has been on a

> mission for 2 YEARS to make me out to be some intolerant creep, and the

> FIRST TIME I call her on it when she moves the drama to a public forum I AM

> THE CRAZY ONE?!?! Her " apology " was basically " sorry you misunderstood my

> comment. " I DIDN'T MISUNDERSTAND IT. I'VE BEEN TRYING TO DO DAMAGE CONTROL

> ON THIS RUMOR FOR TWO YEARS!!!

> I Know I am reacting so strongly because ethis is EXACTLY what nada has

> done my whole life, try to make me out to be the crazy and unreasonable one.

> So not sure what my next move will be......

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

DUDE! Wow!

Personally, I'd block her on facebook. And I'd probably forget about the

mutal friends and build my own world without her. A person lying about you

behind your back and playing the " gay " card when you aren't biased against

gays would not be a friend of mine.

Sorry for your trouble.

>

>

> So I have been completely nc with nada since oct. It feels wonderful! I

> feel like the FOG has lifted and I can see clearly now. I was worried about

> the holidays but nada didn't try to contact us, not even a card to the kids.

> So everything was fine til a friend alerted me to my sis's facebook page,

> yes facebook.

> Now, we must backtrack 2 years to the day my sis called to tell me she was

> pg. I was happy for her, she had been trying for a long time. My sis has a

> bad habit of calling me when she is stressed and I have a bad habit of

> picking up the phone. Lol. When my sis is stressed she calls and picks a

> fight with me. She's been trained by the best of the best (nada) so

> sometimes I don't see it til its too late. Anyway, we stayed on the phone

> til sis found a button to push and then we argued for a few min over the

> fact that I didn't like my sis's partner. (This partner wanted NO parenting

> role in taking care of the baby and they even got a 2bedroom apt so the

> partner could have her own room so she didn't have to hear the baby cry!)

> They had been together for 5+ years and been trying to get pg for 2. Then

> the partner wanted a BABY CONTRACT absolving her of ANY childcare

> responsibilities unless she willingly volunteered. THIS is the problem I had

> with her, not that she is gay, but that her partner is a HORRIBLE person.

> So we got off the phone, and I figured in a few days it would blow

> over....nope. Shortly after that I got a phonecall from my. Aunt asking me

> if I really told my sis that she shouldn't have the baby, and if I truly

> believe that gay people should not have children?!?! I was shocked and

> devestated. I NEVER EVER said such a thing. My aunt knows my heart and KNEW

> I don't think like that, but she just wanted to make sure my sis was lying.

> So I was excluded from sis's whole pg, birth, etc because she had told all

> of the family and her friends that I wanted her to abort her baby and even

> went so far as to tell another family member that I said " its not gods will

> for gay people to have babies. " Wtf? I sent a gift to the baby shower via

> another family member, I heard she was getting discouraged as her due date

> went by so I sent a couple of encouraging emails (no response) and when the

> baby was born I was on the email list along with her coworkers, but nada

> didn't call me to tell me about the baby for nearly 2wks. I replied to the

> email with a resounding contratulations!

> now the baby is about to turn 1. A mutual friend asked (on facebook) if my

> sis had wished my twin sons a happy 13th birthday. My sis replied, for her

> 500 friends (40 or so who are mutual friends of ours) to read. " I don't

> think I am allowed to....Freak Auntie K with her FREAK family must remain

> SKELETONS IN THE CLOSET. " (her original emphasis) I have NEVER said she was a

> freak! I supported her even BEFORE she got pg when she was still just

> dreaming about parenthood. I have never ever said anything against her and

> her baby.....but even 2 years later she is still trying to gain sympathy for

> something that never occured! Her friends wrote back in support of

> her/dogging me a bit.

> so I shot her a pretty blunt email about her comment. She wrote back such a

> gaslighted response that even my husband looked at it and said " she's

> gaslighting you! " She wrote back that I am overreacting to her " tongue in

> cheek response to an awkward familial split. Seriously? So she has been on a

> mission for 2 YEARS to make me out to be some intolerant creep, and the

> FIRST TIME I call her on it when she moves the drama to a public forum I AM

> THE CRAZY ONE?!?! Her " apology " was basically " sorry you misunderstood my

> comment. " I DIDN'T MISUNDERSTAND IT. I'VE BEEN TRYING TO DO DAMAGE CONTROL

> ON THIS RUMOR FOR TWO YEARS!!!

> I Know I am reacting so strongly because ethis is EXACTLY what nada has

> done my whole life, try to make me out to be the crazy and unreasonable one.

> So not sure what my next move will be......

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

I agree with Girlscout. Yes, it's very sad but it sounds like your nada

rubbed off on her. You don't need that.

I'd be super ticked off too and no you don't deserve this, but she's trying

to put you in FOG.

I feel for the little baby. Not because mom is gay, but because mom's

partner wants no part of raising their child. A good friend of mine is gay,

she and & her partner have a son and both of them take part in parenting.

It makes me sad that the little one won't have a second parent.

And of course, I feel for you too! You don't deserve this. I'm not sure

how I would handle it but I think Girlscout's idea is probably best.

Mia

[Guest guest]

Sadly, it sounds like your sis has picked up some rather ugly battle tactics

from nada. We all have choices to make. You chose NC with nada to keep you

from having to deal with insanity...sis is marching in her foot steps it sounds.

You get to decide what you want to do about that and if she is BPD or has BPD

tendencies, you know she will have to make you out to be the bad guy. I went

through that when I went NC with nada. The thing I had to realize is that if

there are people out there who will listen to nada's insanity and believe it

without consulting with me, I don't need them in my life. I actually went a

step further and advised my family in advance of going NC, gave them hard

evidence as to why and asked for their support in protecting my wishes, not

telling me about things she says about me, etc. If they want to believe her or

chose sides, that's their misfortune, whatever. I'm already an orphan. Why

would I care if I lose anyone else after having to walk away from nada?

There are no easy decisions. You can't control sis' behavior but you can

control you. You get to decide who is in your life and who is not. That's the

beauty of being YOU. I'm sorry that you or any one else has to face this ugly

nightmare. Just know that you can hold your own power here and decide what you

want for you. If that's no insane people - that's your choice. If it's trying

to work it out with sis and setting boundaries to stop the immature story

telling she's engaged in - that's your choice too.

I wish you the best.

Jaie

>

> >

> >

> > So I have been completely nc with nada since oct. It feels wonderful! I

> > feel like the FOG has lifted and I can see clearly now. I was worried about

> > the holidays but nada didn't try to contact us, not even a card to the kids.

> > So everything was fine til a friend alerted me to my sis's facebook page,

> > yes facebook.

> > Now, we must backtrack 2 years to the day my sis called to tell me she was

> > pg. I was happy for her, she had been trying for a long time. My sis has a

> > bad habit of calling me when she is stressed and I have a bad habit of

> > picking up the phone. Lol. When my sis is stressed she calls and picks a

> > fight with me. She's been trained by the best of the best (nada) so

> > sometimes I don't see it til its too late. Anyway, we stayed on the phone

> > til sis found a button to push and then we argued for a few min over the

> > fact that I didn't like my sis's partner. (This partner wanted NO parenting

> > role in taking care of the baby and they even got a 2bedroom apt so the

> > partner could have her own room so she didn't have to hear the baby cry!)

> > They had been together for 5+ years and been trying to get pg for 2. Then

> > the partner wanted a BABY CONTRACT absolving her of ANY childcare

> > responsibilities unless she willingly volunteered. THIS is the problem I had

> > with her, not that she is gay, but that her partner is a HORRIBLE person.

> > So we got off the phone, and I figured in a few days it would blow

> > over....nope. Shortly after that I got a phonecall from my. Aunt asking me

> > if I really told my sis that she shouldn't have the baby, and if I truly

> > believe that gay people should not have children?!?! I was shocked and

> > devestated. I NEVER EVER said such a thing. My aunt knows my heart and KNEW

> > I don't think like that, but she just wanted to make sure my sis was lying.

> > So I was excluded from sis's whole pg, birth, etc because she had told all

> > of the family and her friends that I wanted her to abort her baby and even

> > went so far as to tell another family member that I said " its not gods will

> > for gay people to have babies. " Wtf? I sent a gift to the baby shower via

> > another family member, I heard she was getting discouraged as her due date

> > went by so I sent a couple of encouraging emails (no response) and when the

> > baby was born I was on the email list along with her coworkers, but nada

> > didn't call me to tell me about the baby for nearly 2wks. I replied to the

> > email with a resounding contratulations!

> > now the baby is about to turn 1. A mutual friend asked (on facebook) if my

> > sis had wished my twin sons a happy 13th birthday. My sis replied, for her

> > 500 friends (40 or so who are mutual friends of ours) to read. " I don't

> > think I am allowed to....Freak Auntie K with her FREAK family must remain

> > SKELETONS IN THE CLOSET. " (her original emphasis) I have NEVER said she was a

> > freak! I supported her even BEFORE she got pg when she was still just

> > dreaming about parenthood. I have never ever said anything against her and

> > her baby.....but even 2 years later she is still trying to gain sympathy for

> > something that never occured! Her friends wrote back in support of

> > her/dogging me a bit.

> > so I shot her a pretty blunt email about her comment. She wrote back such a

> > gaslighted response that even my husband looked at it and said " she's

> > gaslighting you! " She wrote back that I am overreacting to her " tongue in

> > cheek response to an awkward familial split. Seriously? So she has been on a

> > mission for 2 YEARS to make me out to be some intolerant creep, and the

> > FIRST TIME I call her on it when she moves the drama to a public forum I AM

> > THE CRAZY ONE?!?! Her " apology " was basically " sorry you misunderstood my

> > comment. " I DIDN'T MISUNDERSTAND IT. I'VE BEEN TRYING TO DO DAMAGE CONTROL

> > ON THIS RUMOR FOR TWO YEARS!!!

> > I Know I am reacting so strongly because ethis is EXACTLY what nada has

> > done my whole life, try to make me out to be the crazy and unreasonable one.

> > So not sure what my next move will be......

> >

> >

> >

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Sadly, it sounds like your sis has picked up some rather ugly battle tactics

from nada. We all have choices to make. You chose NC with nada to keep you

from having to deal with insanity...sis is marching in her foot steps it sounds.

You get to decide what you want to do about that and if she is BPD or has BPD

tendencies, you know she will have to make you out to be the bad guy. I went

through that when I went NC with nada. The thing I had to realize is that if

there are people out there who will listen to nada's insanity and believe it

without consulting with me, I don't need them in my life. I actually went a

step further and advised my family in advance of going NC, gave them hard

evidence as to why and asked for their support in protecting my wishes, not

telling me about things she says about me, etc. If they want to believe her or

chose sides, that's their misfortune, whatever. I'm already an orphan. Why

would I care if I lose anyone else after having to walk away from nada?

There are no easy decisions. You can't control sis' behavior but you can

control you. You get to decide who is in your life and who is not. That's the

beauty of being YOU. I'm sorry that you or any one else has to face this ugly

nightmare. Just know that you can hold your own power here and decide what you

want for you. If that's no insane people - that's your choice. If it's trying

to work it out with sis and setting boundaries to stop the immature story

telling she's engaged in - that's your choice too.

I wish you the best.

Jaie

>

> >

> >

> > So I have been completely nc with nada since oct. It feels wonderful! I

> > feel like the FOG has lifted and I can see clearly now. I was worried about

> > the holidays but nada didn't try to contact us, not even a card to the kids.

> > So everything was fine til a friend alerted me to my sis's facebook page,

> > yes facebook.

> > Now, we must backtrack 2 years to the day my sis called to tell me she was

> > pg. I was happy for her, she had been trying for a long time. My sis has a

> > bad habit of calling me when she is stressed and I have a bad habit of

> > picking up the phone. Lol. When my sis is stressed she calls and picks a

> > fight with me. She's been trained by the best of the best (nada) so

> > sometimes I don't see it til its too late. Anyway, we stayed on the phone

> > til sis found a button to push and then we argued for a few min over the

> > fact that I didn't like my sis's partner. (This partner wanted NO parenting

> > role in taking care of the baby and they even got a 2bedroom apt so the

> > partner could have her own room so she didn't have to hear the baby cry!)

> > They had been together for 5+ years and been trying to get pg for 2. Then

> > the partner wanted a BABY CONTRACT absolving her of ANY childcare

> > responsibilities unless she willingly volunteered. THIS is the problem I had

> > with her, not that she is gay, but that her partner is a HORRIBLE person.

> > So we got off the phone, and I figured in a few days it would blow

> > over....nope. Shortly after that I got a phonecall from my. Aunt asking me

> > if I really told my sis that she shouldn't have the baby, and if I truly

> > believe that gay people should not have children?!?! I was shocked and

> > devestated. I NEVER EVER said such a thing. My aunt knows my heart and KNEW

> > I don't think like that, but she just wanted to make sure my sis was lying.

> > So I was excluded from sis's whole pg, birth, etc because she had told all

> > of the family and her friends that I wanted her to abort her baby and even

> > went so far as to tell another family member that I said " its not gods will

> > for gay people to have babies. " Wtf? I sent a gift to the baby shower via

> > another family member, I heard she was getting discouraged as her due date

> > went by so I sent a couple of encouraging emails (no response) and when the

> > baby was born I was on the email list along with her coworkers, but nada

> > didn't call me to tell me about the baby for nearly 2wks. I replied to the

> > email with a resounding contratulations!

> > now the baby is about to turn 1. A mutual friend asked (on facebook) if my

> > sis had wished my twin sons a happy 13th birthday. My sis replied, for her

> > 500 friends (40 or so who are mutual friends of ours) to read. " I don't

> > think I am allowed to....Freak Auntie K with her FREAK family must remain

> > SKELETONS IN THE CLOSET. " (her original emphasis) I have NEVER said she was a

> > freak! I supported her even BEFORE she got pg when she was still just

> > dreaming about parenthood. I have never ever said anything against her and

> > her baby.....but even 2 years later she is still trying to gain sympathy for

> > something that never occured! Her friends wrote back in support of

> > her/dogging me a bit.

> > so I shot her a pretty blunt email about her comment. She wrote back such a

> > gaslighted response that even my husband looked at it and said " she's

> > gaslighting you! " She wrote back that I am overreacting to her " tongue in

> > cheek response to an awkward familial split. Seriously? So she has been on a

> > mission for 2 YEARS to make me out to be some intolerant creep, and the

> > FIRST TIME I call her on it when she moves the drama to a public forum I AM

> > THE CRAZY ONE?!?! Her " apology " was basically " sorry you misunderstood my

> > comment. " I DIDN'T MISUNDERSTAND IT. I'VE BEEN TRYING TO DO DAMAGE CONTROL

> > ON THIS RUMOR FOR TWO YEARS!!!

> > I Know I am reacting so strongly because ethis is EXACTLY what nada has

> > done my whole life, try to make me out to be the crazy and unreasonable one.

> > So not sure what my next move will be......

> >

> >

> >

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

I'm so sorry, how frustrating and stressful for you. But if you cut your sister

out of your life entirely, it will appear on the surface that the situation is

exactly as she paints it. She's put you in a rather no-win position, seems to

me.

I don't know what to tell you, except my gut instinct is to suggest that you

remain calm and politely detached in any given conversation with your sister or

about her, never say anything negative about your sister or her partner to her

or to anyone else, and keep the relationship/the topics very superficial and

polite.

Just gently and gradually back away from wanting or trying to have a genuine,

close, honest relationship.

Your sister couldn't/can't tolerate your honest opinion about her partner; even

though your opinion was given because of your concern about her child, your

sister perceived it as an attack and has now painted you all-black. So she's

attacking you back in a passive-aggressive way: by making you out to be a bigot

to the extended family and friends.

Sounds like bpd to me.

So all you can do in my opinion is remain in limited contact, be polite, keep

topics of conversation light and superficial, never offer your opinion RE her or

her partner unless its positive, send the usual cards and gifts when

appropriate, and thereby disprove that you are a bigot.

Not being able to have a real, genuine, honest relationship with a sister sucks,

but, I think that's your only option in this case.

I hope I'm wrong, but that's the way it looks to me.

-Annie

So everything was fine til a friend alerted me to my sis's facebook page, yes

facebook.

I'VE BEEN TRYING TO DO DAMAGE CONTROL ON THIS RUMOR FOR TWO YEARS!!!

> I Know I am reacting so strongly because ethis is EXACTLY what nada has done

my whole life, try to make me out to be the crazy and unreasonable one. So not

sure what my next move will be......

>