Re: How does your relationship with your BP parent affect the rest of your family?

[Guest guest]

Nothing is more difficult than realizing that your BPD/NPD relation has taking

great strides to protect his or her true painful core by voicing purely made up

horrendous victimization at your hand. Some people choose not to see two sides

to every story. That is their choice for good or ill.

It might be hard to see it this way but consider the fact that it may be a

blessing you were not invited. Realize that not being invited may have saved

you from an afternoon or evening of emotional misery. it does force you to face

your thoughts of being cheated of the family member you know you should have

had. That's the real harsh reality but when you do finally mourn it, the rest

just seems to fall away without much but a chuckle at some point.

Even if you are looked over or neglected by your family because of your BPD

loved one, know this, the truth always comes to light, what they say or do to

minimize you in no way affects the beautiful soul you are and it truly is their

loss to take sides. Sometimes our FOO can be the source of too much misery. In

that case, gravitate to your soul family (e.g., your good friends). They can

often be a greater source of love and support than your FOO.

Be strong and know that you can cope with this disappointment even though it

hurts. Just set your intent and know you can get there. Hang in there.

Jaie

>

> I don't know if I feel it more just because it's holiday season, but since

I've decided not to have contact with my mom, I feel like a total outcast in my

family. My stepfather won't even speak to me. My brother and stepsisters do talk

to me occasionally, but refuse to talk about my mom. Not that I would have

chosen to go anyway, but I wasn't invited to any family gatherings for

Christmas.

>

> It's been kind of hard getting merry this season knowing that I'm kind of

having to pave way to a whole new way of looking at family. Anyone else have a

similar story? How do you deal with it?

>

[Guest guest]

Nothing is more difficult than realizing that your BPD/NPD relation has taking

great strides to protect his or her true painful core by voicing purely made up

horrendous victimization at your hand. Some people choose not to see two sides

to every story. That is their choice for good or ill.

It might be hard to see it this way but consider the fact that it may be a

blessing you were not invited. Realize that not being invited may have saved

you from an afternoon or evening of emotional misery. it does force you to face

your thoughts of being cheated of the family member you know you should have

had. That's the real harsh reality but when you do finally mourn it, the rest

just seems to fall away without much but a chuckle at some point.

Even if you are looked over or neglected by your family because of your BPD

loved one, know this, the truth always comes to light, what they say or do to

minimize you in no way affects the beautiful soul you are and it truly is their

loss to take sides. Sometimes our FOO can be the source of too much misery. In

that case, gravitate to your soul family (e.g., your good friends). They can

often be a greater source of love and support than your FOO.

Be strong and know that you can cope with this disappointment even though it

hurts. Just set your intent and know you can get there. Hang in there.

Jaie

>

> I don't know if I feel it more just because it's holiday season, but since

I've decided not to have contact with my mom, I feel like a total outcast in my

family. My stepfather won't even speak to me. My brother and stepsisters do talk

to me occasionally, but refuse to talk about my mom. Not that I would have

chosen to go anyway, but I wasn't invited to any family gatherings for

Christmas.

>

> It's been kind of hard getting merry this season knowing that I'm kind of

having to pave way to a whole new way of looking at family. Anyone else have a

similar story? How do you deal with it?

>

[Guest guest]

When an entire family system is dysfunctional, they tend to assign " roles " to

each individual member. But if one of the members decides that she is not going

to play her " role " any longer, is not going to pretend that everything is fine

and normal and there is no hurtful, toxic abuse taking place and walks away from

the " role " , it can throw the dysfunctional family into defensive mode.

So, just deciding that you can't stand witnessing or receiving emotional abuse

any longer will very likely be considered a " betrayal " of the toxic,

dysfuntional family of origin (foo) and instead of cheering for you or even

joining you, they'll " circle the wagons " in a protective formation around the

toxic head of the family and ostracize you. Toxic foos don't like it when the

" scapegoat " leaves, in particular, because that means that one or more of *them*

will be assigned that role in your absence.

Maybe after the holidays you can approach a few of the mentally healthier

individual members of your foo (if there are any) and develop one-on-one

relationships with them: true friendships based on mutual interests and not just

on the fact that you happen to be related by blood or marriage.

In my opinion, that's the healthiest thing to do is to develop your own " chosen

family " of friends (and healthy relatives), but it takes time and effort and

courage on your part. I've noticed that most people rely on their biological

family to provide a lot of social interaction, even if the bio-family is really

toxic. That takes no effort at all; its a " ready made " social circle. But why

subject yourself to a group that's horribly negative and even harmful to you

when you can (with some effort on your part) spend time with people who are

genuinely nice and sweet and supportive?

-Annie

>

> Nothing is more difficult than realizing that your BPD/NPD relation has taking

great strides to protect his or her true painful core by voicing purely made up

horrendous victimization at your hand. Some people choose not to see two sides

to every story. That is their choice for good or ill.

>

> It might be hard to see it this way but consider the fact that it may be a

blessing you were not invited. Realize that not being invited may have saved

you from an afternoon or evening of emotional misery. it does force you to face

your thoughts of being cheated of the family member you know you should have

had. That's the real harsh reality but when you do finally mourn it, the rest

just seems to fall away without much but a chuckle at some point.

>

> Even if you are looked over or neglected by your family because of your BPD

loved one, know this, the truth always comes to light, what they say or do to

minimize you in no way affects the beautiful soul you are and it truly is their

loss to take sides. Sometimes our FOO can be the source of too much misery. In

that case, gravitate to your soul family (e.g., your good friends). They can

often be a greater source of love and support than your FOO.

>

> Be strong and know that you can cope with this disappointment even though it

hurts. Just set your intent and know you can get there. Hang in there.

>

> Jaie

[Guest guest]

When an entire family system is dysfunctional, they tend to assign " roles " to

each individual member. But if one of the members decides that she is not going

to play her " role " any longer, is not going to pretend that everything is fine

and normal and there is no hurtful, toxic abuse taking place and walks away from

the " role " , it can throw the dysfunctional family into defensive mode.

So, just deciding that you can't stand witnessing or receiving emotional abuse

any longer will very likely be considered a " betrayal " of the toxic,

dysfuntional family of origin (foo) and instead of cheering for you or even

joining you, they'll " circle the wagons " in a protective formation around the

toxic head of the family and ostracize you. Toxic foos don't like it when the

" scapegoat " leaves, in particular, because that means that one or more of *them*

will be assigned that role in your absence.

Maybe after the holidays you can approach a few of the mentally healthier

individual members of your foo (if there are any) and develop one-on-one

relationships with them: true friendships based on mutual interests and not just

on the fact that you happen to be related by blood or marriage.

In my opinion, that's the healthiest thing to do is to develop your own " chosen

family " of friends (and healthy relatives), but it takes time and effort and

courage on your part. I've noticed that most people rely on their biological

family to provide a lot of social interaction, even if the bio-family is really

toxic. That takes no effort at all; its a " ready made " social circle. But why

subject yourself to a group that's horribly negative and even harmful to you

when you can (with some effort on your part) spend time with people who are

genuinely nice and sweet and supportive?

-Annie

>

> Nothing is more difficult than realizing that your BPD/NPD relation has taking

great strides to protect his or her true painful core by voicing purely made up

horrendous victimization at your hand. Some people choose not to see two sides

to every story. That is their choice for good or ill.

>

> It might be hard to see it this way but consider the fact that it may be a

blessing you were not invited. Realize that not being invited may have saved

you from an afternoon or evening of emotional misery. it does force you to face

your thoughts of being cheated of the family member you know you should have

had. That's the real harsh reality but when you do finally mourn it, the rest

just seems to fall away without much but a chuckle at some point.

>

> Even if you are looked over or neglected by your family because of your BPD

loved one, know this, the truth always comes to light, what they say or do to

minimize you in no way affects the beautiful soul you are and it truly is their

loss to take sides. Sometimes our FOO can be the source of too much misery. In

that case, gravitate to your soul family (e.g., your good friends). They can

often be a greater source of love and support than your FOO.

>

> Be strong and know that you can cope with this disappointment even though it

hurts. Just set your intent and know you can get there. Hang in there.

>

> Jaie

[Guest guest]

Personally, I'd consider it a gift. Accept it and say thanks, because the

fact is, the way they are acting says more about them than it does about

you. I agree with Annie, you broke ranks, said no to your role and exposed

the b*tch in sheep's clothing. Spend time with people you love who really

love you back. And if you don't have anyone you love right now, I'd make it

my New Year's resolution to have some true friends by next Christmas and

then I'd spend my holiday doing some kind of service, maybe at the homeless

shelter or animal shelter. Or just shovel your neighbor's walks.

That's my 2 cents. DON " T ALLOW THEM TO LEAVE YOU FEELING DEPRESSED AND

REJECTED! Take back your power, its your life.

XOXO Happy Holidays

On Sun, Dec 19, 2010 at 9:14 AM, anuria67854 wrote:

>

>

> When an entire family system is dysfunctional, they tend to assign " roles "

> to each individual member. But if one of the members decides that she is not

> going to play her " role " any longer, is not going to pretend that everything

> is fine and normal and there is no hurtful, toxic abuse taking place and

> walks away from the " role " , it can throw the dysfunctional family into

> defensive mode.

>

> So, just deciding that you can't stand witnessing or receiving emotional

> abuse any longer will very likely be considered a " betrayal " of the toxic,

> dysfuntional family of origin (foo) and instead of cheering for you or even

> joining you, they'll " circle the wagons " in a protective formation around

> the toxic head of the family and ostracize you. Toxic foos don't like it

> when the " scapegoat " leaves, in particular, because that means that one or

> more of *them* will be assigned that role in your absence.

>

> Maybe after the holidays you can approach a few of the mentally healthier

> individual members of your foo (if there are any) and develop one-on-one

> relationships with them: true friendships based on mutual interests and not

> just on the fact that you happen to be related by blood or marriage.

>

> In my opinion, that's the healthiest thing to do is to develop your own

> " chosen family " of friends (and healthy relatives), but it takes time and

> effort and courage on your part. I've noticed that most people rely on their

> biological family to provide a lot of social interaction, even if the

> bio-family is really toxic. That takes no effort at all; its a " ready made "

> social circle. But why subject yourself to a group that's horribly negative

> and even harmful to you when you can (with some effort on your part) spend

> time with people who are genuinely nice and sweet and supportive?

>

> -Annie

>

>

> >

> > Nothing is more difficult than realizing that your BPD/NPD relation has

> taking great strides to protect his or her true painful core by voicing

> purely made up horrendous victimization at your hand. Some people choose not

> to see two sides to every story. That is their choice for good or ill.

> >

> > It might be hard to see it this way but consider the fact that it may be

> a blessing you were not invited. Realize that not being invited may have

> saved you from an afternoon or evening of emotional misery. it does force

> you to face your thoughts of being cheated of the family member you know you

> should have had. That's the real harsh reality but when you do finally mourn

> it, the rest just seems to fall away without much but a chuckle at some

> point.

> >

> > Even if you are looked over or neglected by your family because of your

> BPD loved one, know this, the truth always comes to light, what they say or

> do to minimize you in no way affects the beautiful soul you are and it truly

> is their loss to take sides. Sometimes our FOO can be the source of too much

> misery. In that case, gravitate to your soul family (e.g., your good

> friends). They can often be a greater source of love and support than your

> FOO.

> >

> > Be strong and know that you can cope with this disappointment even though

> it hurts. Just set your intent and know you can get there. Hang in there.

> >

> > Jaie

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Personally, I'd consider it a gift. Accept it and say thanks, because the

fact is, the way they are acting says more about them than it does about

you. I agree with Annie, you broke ranks, said no to your role and exposed

the b*tch in sheep's clothing. Spend time with people you love who really

love you back. And if you don't have anyone you love right now, I'd make it

my New Year's resolution to have some true friends by next Christmas and

then I'd spend my holiday doing some kind of service, maybe at the homeless

shelter or animal shelter. Or just shovel your neighbor's walks.

That's my 2 cents. DON " T ALLOW THEM TO LEAVE YOU FEELING DEPRESSED AND

REJECTED! Take back your power, its your life.

XOXO Happy Holidays

On Sun, Dec 19, 2010 at 9:14 AM, anuria67854 wrote:

>

>

> When an entire family system is dysfunctional, they tend to assign " roles "

> to each individual member. But if one of the members decides that she is not

> going to play her " role " any longer, is not going to pretend that everything

> is fine and normal and there is no hurtful, toxic abuse taking place and

> walks away from the " role " , it can throw the dysfunctional family into

> defensive mode.

>

> So, just deciding that you can't stand witnessing or receiving emotional

> abuse any longer will very likely be considered a " betrayal " of the toxic,

> dysfuntional family of origin (foo) and instead of cheering for you or even

> joining you, they'll " circle the wagons " in a protective formation around

> the toxic head of the family and ostracize you. Toxic foos don't like it

> when the " scapegoat " leaves, in particular, because that means that one or

> more of *them* will be assigned that role in your absence.

>

> Maybe after the holidays you can approach a few of the mentally healthier

> individual members of your foo (if there are any) and develop one-on-one

> relationships with them: true friendships based on mutual interests and not

> just on the fact that you happen to be related by blood or marriage.

>

> In my opinion, that's the healthiest thing to do is to develop your own

> " chosen family " of friends (and healthy relatives), but it takes time and

> effort and courage on your part. I've noticed that most people rely on their

> biological family to provide a lot of social interaction, even if the

> bio-family is really toxic. That takes no effort at all; its a " ready made "

> social circle. But why subject yourself to a group that's horribly negative

> and even harmful to you when you can (with some effort on your part) spend

> time with people who are genuinely nice and sweet and supportive?

>

> -Annie

>

>

> >

> > Nothing is more difficult than realizing that your BPD/NPD relation has

> taking great strides to protect his or her true painful core by voicing

> purely made up horrendous victimization at your hand. Some people choose not

> to see two sides to every story. That is their choice for good or ill.

> >

> > It might be hard to see it this way but consider the fact that it may be

> a blessing you were not invited. Realize that not being invited may have

> saved you from an afternoon or evening of emotional misery. it does force

> you to face your thoughts of being cheated of the family member you know you

> should have had. That's the real harsh reality but when you do finally mourn

> it, the rest just seems to fall away without much but a chuckle at some

> point.

> >

> > Even if you are looked over or neglected by your family because of your

> BPD loved one, know this, the truth always comes to light, what they say or

> do to minimize you in no way affects the beautiful soul you are and it truly

> is their loss to take sides. Sometimes our FOO can be the source of too much

> misery. In that case, gravitate to your soul family (e.g., your good

> friends). They can often be a greater source of love and support than your

> FOO.

> >

> > Be strong and know that you can cope with this disappointment even though

> it hurts. Just set your intent and know you can get there. Hang in there.

> >

> > Jaie

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Personally, I'd consider it a gift. Accept it and say thanks, because the

fact is, the way they are acting says more about them than it does about

you. I agree with Annie, you broke ranks, said no to your role and exposed

the b*tch in sheep's clothing. Spend time with people you love who really

love you back. And if you don't have anyone you love right now, I'd make it

my New Year's resolution to have some true friends by next Christmas and

then I'd spend my holiday doing some kind of service, maybe at the homeless

shelter or animal shelter. Or just shovel your neighbor's walks.

That's my 2 cents. DON " T ALLOW THEM TO LEAVE YOU FEELING DEPRESSED AND

REJECTED! Take back your power, its your life.

XOXO Happy Holidays

On Sun, Dec 19, 2010 at 9:14 AM, anuria67854 wrote:

>

>

> When an entire family system is dysfunctional, they tend to assign " roles "

> to each individual member. But if one of the members decides that she is not

> going to play her " role " any longer, is not going to pretend that everything

> is fine and normal and there is no hurtful, toxic abuse taking place and

> walks away from the " role " , it can throw the dysfunctional family into

> defensive mode.

>

> So, just deciding that you can't stand witnessing or receiving emotional

> abuse any longer will very likely be considered a " betrayal " of the toxic,

> dysfuntional family of origin (foo) and instead of cheering for you or even

> joining you, they'll " circle the wagons " in a protective formation around

> the toxic head of the family and ostracize you. Toxic foos don't like it

> when the " scapegoat " leaves, in particular, because that means that one or

> more of *them* will be assigned that role in your absence.

>

> Maybe after the holidays you can approach a few of the mentally healthier

> individual members of your foo (if there are any) and develop one-on-one

> relationships with them: true friendships based on mutual interests and not

> just on the fact that you happen to be related by blood or marriage.

>

> In my opinion, that's the healthiest thing to do is to develop your own

> " chosen family " of friends (and healthy relatives), but it takes time and

> effort and courage on your part. I've noticed that most people rely on their

> biological family to provide a lot of social interaction, even if the

> bio-family is really toxic. That takes no effort at all; its a " ready made "

> social circle. But why subject yourself to a group that's horribly negative

> and even harmful to you when you can (with some effort on your part) spend

> time with people who are genuinely nice and sweet and supportive?

>

> -Annie

>

>

> >

> > Nothing is more difficult than realizing that your BPD/NPD relation has

> taking great strides to protect his or her true painful core by voicing

> purely made up horrendous victimization at your hand. Some people choose not

> to see two sides to every story. That is their choice for good or ill.

> >

> > It might be hard to see it this way but consider the fact that it may be

> a blessing you were not invited. Realize that not being invited may have

> saved you from an afternoon or evening of emotional misery. it does force

> you to face your thoughts of being cheated of the family member you know you

> should have had. That's the real harsh reality but when you do finally mourn

> it, the rest just seems to fall away without much but a chuckle at some

> point.

> >

> > Even if you are looked over or neglected by your family because of your

> BPD loved one, know this, the truth always comes to light, what they say or

> do to minimize you in no way affects the beautiful soul you are and it truly

> is their loss to take sides. Sometimes our FOO can be the source of too much

> misery. In that case, gravitate to your soul family (e.g., your good

> friends). They can often be a greater source of love and support than your

> FOO.

> >

> > Be strong and know that you can cope with this disappointment even though

> it hurts. Just set your intent and know you can get there. Hang in there.

> >

> > Jaie

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Annie, you articulated everything I was trying to form thoughts on!

Well said. I might print it and keep it in my wallet.

> >

> > Nothing is more difficult than realizing that your BPD/NPD relation has

taking great strides to protect his or her true painful core by voicing purely

made up horrendous victimization at your hand. Some people choose not to see

two sides to every story. That is their choice for good or ill.

> >

> > It might be hard to see it this way but consider the fact that it may be a

blessing you were not invited. Realize that not being invited may have saved

you from an afternoon or evening of emotional misery. it does force you to face

your thoughts of being cheated of the family member you know you should have

had. That's the real harsh reality but when you do finally mourn it, the rest

just seems to fall away without much but a chuckle at some point.

> >

> > Even if you are looked over or neglected by your family because of your BPD

loved one, know this, the truth always comes to light, what they say or do to

minimize you in no way affects the beautiful soul you are and it truly is their

loss to take sides. Sometimes our FOO can be the source of too much misery. In

that case, gravitate to your soul family (e.g., your good friends). They can

often be a greater source of love and support than your FOO.

> >

> > Be strong and know that you can cope with this disappointment even though it

hurts. Just set your intent and know you can get there. Hang in there.

> >

> > Jaie

>