Dwelling

[Guest guest]

I hate dwelling on negativity. My life has been quiet for 3 years. I hadn't

heard from my nada since November of 08 when she had a friend call me and tell

me that my mom died of starvation and frostbite in her car since I made her

homeless. I called the coroner and police in her state and learned it was a

cruel joke my nada played on me. I changed my phone number so she couldn't have

it any more and torment me further. Just prior to that she called me 10 times a

night between 1 and 5 every day for months on end hurtling horrible vulgar

expletives about what a rotten soul I was and how I would burn in he!! for

destroying her life. I just deleted the messages. So, peace and quiet was good

and then she resurfaced. A man rescued her from a homeless shelter and forced

her to go to AA meetings and stay sober. I laughed knowing that would blow up

in his face but at the same time, I was grateful she had someone to take care of

her.

Her text messages on saturday, 6 in total between 1 and 5 am, were the worst I

had ever seen. I'll just make it clear, I did hurt her. Her exboyfriend called

me 3 years ago and asked me to rescue her from another state. She was wreaking

havoc on his life and her intense drinking was surely to leave her dead in no

time. I worked it out and told her she could stay for only 30 days. I knew she

was an alcoholic/drug addict on top of possible BP so Older Adult Protective

Services recommended I set very clear boundaries before taking her on. I leased

a house and no adult could live there without qualifying for the lease. She

could not qualify because she would lose her social security disability living

with me. So, we were clear. After 30 days of intense emotional and verbal

abuse and remembering verbal and physical abuse of days long gone, I was in over

my head. I asked my nada if she had found a place to stay, 3 weeks after she

came to stay with me. She said, " No, I'm staying with you for ever. You have

to take care of me because I'm your mother. " I told her she would have to leave

or we'd all be evicted. She said she couldn't leave because there was no where

for her to go. The very next day she called me at work screaming for messing

with her and locking her out of her storage locker. I had nothing to do with

it. She hadn't paid her bill. She wouldn't listen to reason and I absolutely

kicked her out right then and there. In 3 weeks I had suffered pages and pages

of hatemail I would find on my car every morning, taped to my coffee pot or my

bedroom door. I was fearful of doing anything in my own home because I'd find

the poison pen messages. Finally, I just had all of her things put in storage

and called her sisters to ask if she could stay with them as I could take no

more. She was now homeless and hungry because of me (no recollection that her

homelessness was a direct effect of her drinking her social security checks so

that she had no money...refused rehab and counseling and refused to work with

older adult protective services - I gave her the number weekly). I then had to

file a restraining order because she kept coming by the house and threatened to

pick my kids up from school and run away with them (she hadn't even cared about

my kids or made contact since their birth and it stunned me she was suddenly so

interested grandparent rights). She would call the police filing false charges

so I never knew when they were going to show up (they always left...I don't have

a record and my nada has a full on rap sheet). So, I had forgotten about all

this horrible stuff after working through it in counseling and yet 6 little text

messages a couple years later put me right back into feeling trauma. It's much

milder than where I was before but I notice things like:

Irrational thoughts.

Purely fearful thoughts (what if I end up like her).

Bad things are happening because of her, again (I don't feel safe again).

I can't concentrate (I keep hearing her hateful words)

I can't sleep (adrenaline is pumping toxic chemicals constantly now).

I feel so horrible at being so weak that I could not withstand the rantings of a

lunatic. I've always been strong. I've held a great job for 20 years, I'm

raising my kids as strong, beautiful human beings, I have great friends. How in

the he!! does this happen? I have been so stable and so healthy and 6 little

vulgar, raunchy, disgustingly vengeful text messages and i've come undone. All

the time I've spent in therapy seems to be wasted.

So, with her, my only option to please her is to take her abuse, let her abuse

my children, work a second job to financially support her and cater to her every

whim. I'm sorry but abusive people don't get that right from their abused

children! Oooh, wait, I'm angry. This is good...it means that maybe this

latest trauma is passing. Maybe it was good to write about it. None of my

friends completely understand as they have real mothers and fathers who love and

support them. Ugh, thanks for letting me vent.