Re: Re: Holiday parties

[Guest guest]

I, too, have a very hard time with large gatherings. and i always felt like the odd one out because i was the only single adult for many years.now i'm not exactly single because i had a baby on my own. and since my three month old was the star of the show... and i'm pretty immersed in the world of infancy... i didn't have time to be lonely.

BUT, i typically hate parties.and here's my suggestion. it has nothing to do with food. but i bet it will be far more effective than focusing on food.

give yourself permission to leave the party as soon as you are ready to. when you have had enough, go to the host and whoever else you need to address, and say, " thank you so much for having me. i had a lovely time. "

no excuses. no explanation.if they ask, " oh, do you really have to go? " you say, " yes, i'm afraid i do have to go. i had a wonderful time and i can't wait to get together again soon/next year/whatever. "

if they ask point blank, " why do you have to go? " you can make up a BS excuse, but be as vague as possible, ie " I'm awfully tired/not feeling well/have some things to get done that can't wait. "

and make sure you have an escape route! don't go to an event without a way to leave when YOU are ready. rent a car or get a taxi if you need to. prioritize YOU.

aren't YOU worth it???and see if the food doesn't take care of yourself.since i've given myself permission to say that i hate parties, i do ever so much better with them. but i skip the vast majority, because they aren't fun for me. and life is too darn short to torture myself doing things that make me so uncomfortable.

hth,abby 

 

There seems to be the commonality here that everyone is somewhat uncomfortable in social situations, and I'm no exception! I wonder if we use food to replace human connection in our lives. I realized that I had come to think of food as companionship when, a few days after my former husband disappeared, I stood at my front door with my key and a full Mc's bag in hand, thinking that since I had that, I was not going home alone. How crazy is that? Well, I've been working hard to become more comfortable being around people, and with time and effort, when it happens, the rewards are great.

As far as eating reasonably at first, and then going back and back and ending up eating too much, I can also identify with that. Here's what often helps me. I keep a pot of vegetable soup in my fridge at all times because it's often my only vegetables (I do want to be healthy) and to use it to stave off hunger when I need to do that, like for a party. I'll have enough of it so I'm not hungry at all when I get to the party. Then I look over everything and decide what it is that I'm most hungry for, and eat that. Then I find a place to socialize FAR AWAY from the table. Also, before I go I remeind myself that it is just food, and what I'm really going for is to hold the babies, reconnect with someone, get to know someone better, etc, and then focus on the people, not the food. It usually does help.

Sara

>

> Hey everyone! I hope you all had a wonderful Thanksgiving.

> I was just wondering if anyone has any tips for handling parties.

>

> I've been eating intuitively for awhile now and I feel like I have a really good grip on it, but I've been struggling at parties that are centered around food like Thanksgiving and Halloween parties. I eat what I want and usually feel good after the initial meal, but as the time wears on and the food is still out, I pick and nibble and get uncomfortably full. I don't feel guilty or beat myself up, but it's not pleasant to feel like you swallowed a cinder block.

>

> I'm not comfortable with big group, even my extended family, and I feel like I kind of get left out of conversations because I'm sort of alone in my age group. My other female cousins who are close to my age all have babies and I don't, so they tend to group up and I feel like I don't have much to contribute. My mom and aunts all hang out together, but I don't feel like I have much to say there either. I love seeing my family, but crowds overwhelm me and I usually feel like just going into another room by myself. I worry that this will appear rude or anti-social, so instead I stay where everyone else is and eat because I don't feel like I can do much else. It's exhausting to try to fit into a conversation that has nothing to do with me.

>

> Does anyone else struggle with this?

>

> -McKella

>

[Guest guest]

i love it when someone else proposes a walk, and now i sometimes am the one to suggest it. i think it's a great idea! also, you can connect a lot better with the one or two people you are walking with, so it's not just an escape but a way to connect with the people you like best.

abby

 

I've been at social events where someone stood up and announced, " After all this good food, I feel the need to go take a walk. Would anyone like to join me? " And someone always did go along. You might be surprised, McKella, at what whoever that person is has to say about how they feel at these gatherings. And remember, it's NOT a need to take a walk to work off calories, but to keep from drifting off the sleep after eating and just get pepped back up.

Jane

> > > > > >

> > > > > > Hey everyone! I hope you all had a wonderful Thanksgiving.

> > > > > > I was just wondering if anyone has any tips for handling parties.

> > > > > >

> > > > > > I've been eating intuitively for awhile now and I feel like I have a really good grip on it, but I've been struggling at parties that are centered around food like Thanksgiving and Halloween parties. I eat what I want and usually feel good after the initial meal, but as the time wears on and the food is still out, I pick and nibble and get uncomfortably full. I don't feel guilty or beat myself up, but it's not pleasant to feel like you swallowed a cinder block.

> > > > > >

> > > > > > I'm not comfortable with big group, even my extended family, and I feel like I kind of get left out of conversations because I'm sort of alone in my age group. My other female cousins who are close to my age all have babies and I don't, so they tend to group up and I feel like I don't have much to contribute. My mom and aunts all hang out together, but I don't feel like I have much to say there either. I love seeing my family, but crowds overwhelm me and I usually feel like just going into another room by myself. I worry that this will appear rude or anti-social, so instead I stay where everyone else is and eat because I don't feel like I can do much else. It's exhausting to try to fit into a conversation that has nothing to do with me.

> > > > > >

> > > > > > Does anyone else struggle with this?

> > > > > >

> > > > > > -McKella

> > > > > >

> > > > >

> > > >

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

i love it when someone else proposes a walk, and now i sometimes am the one to suggest it. i think it's a great idea! also, you can connect a lot better with the one or two people you are walking with, so it's not just an escape but a way to connect with the people you like best.

abby

 

I've been at social events where someone stood up and announced, " After all this good food, I feel the need to go take a walk. Would anyone like to join me? " And someone always did go along. You might be surprised, McKella, at what whoever that person is has to say about how they feel at these gatherings. And remember, it's NOT a need to take a walk to work off calories, but to keep from drifting off the sleep after eating and just get pepped back up.

Jane

> > > > > >

> > > > > > Hey everyone! I hope you all had a wonderful Thanksgiving.

> > > > > > I was just wondering if anyone has any tips for handling parties.

> > > > > >

> > > > > > I've been eating intuitively for awhile now and I feel like I have a really good grip on it, but I've been struggling at parties that are centered around food like Thanksgiving and Halloween parties. I eat what I want and usually feel good after the initial meal, but as the time wears on and the food is still out, I pick and nibble and get uncomfortably full. I don't feel guilty or beat myself up, but it's not pleasant to feel like you swallowed a cinder block.

> > > > > >

> > > > > > I'm not comfortable with big group, even my extended family, and I feel like I kind of get left out of conversations because I'm sort of alone in my age group. My other female cousins who are close to my age all have babies and I don't, so they tend to group up and I feel like I don't have much to contribute. My mom and aunts all hang out together, but I don't feel like I have much to say there either. I love seeing my family, but crowds overwhelm me and I usually feel like just going into another room by myself. I worry that this will appear rude or anti-social, so instead I stay where everyone else is and eat because I don't feel like I can do much else. It's exhausting to try to fit into a conversation that has nothing to do with me.

> > > > > >

> > > > > > Does anyone else struggle with this?

> > > > > >

> > > > > > -McKella

> > > > > >

> > > > >

> > > >

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

It sounds like you have identified the real reasons you would like to go, enjoying the trip and scenery and inspiration for your artwork. Why don't you go ahead and take a break and go for a walk, draw a little and write a little.  It would make a nice memoir/memento for the family too.  Have you ever drawn people?  You might be able to do that at the party.  I know I am really terrible at drawing people, but that's me.  I think you also came up with your own solution by saying you could draw to keep your hands busy and away from the food, and take a break when you wanted to.   I am an introvert and my ex was an extrovert who could stay at a party for hours having fun.  After a short time I got very tired and felt guilty about wanting to leave, and he would be annoyed.  That was until I learned about how introverts are drained of energy in social situations, while extroverts get energized.  After that I no longer felt guilty or to blame and we went in separate cars.  Do what feeds your spirit and most likely everyone will be better off.  Just my thoughts.Sandy

 

Lots of interesting comments! I like the idea of realize " why " I go to these parties. It's funny, my annual family Christmas party is coming up on Saturday, and I really can't think of why I want to go other than because I'm supposed to. It's a tradition I really enjoyed when I was little because I got to see my cousins, Santa brought each kid a present and that was exciting. Now I don't relate to my cousins as well and I'm too old for Santa. Also, Grandma's been inviting her side of the family (she is my mother's stepmother) whom I don't know very well and don't seem to have much in common with. Grandpa's not around any more, so Grandma's usually stressed and grumpy. It's not as much fun as it was when I was a kid. The family that I do care to see, I see quite often anyway.

I'm going to skip the part where I guilt-trip myself for being a bad person for feeling this way. I'm just being honest, and it's ok. At this point, the food is the most exciting thing. It's fun for the kids to get together and play, and for the " adults " to sit and mingle. I feel like I'm in between, because I'm part of the " kid " generation even thought I'm 23 and married. No wonder I overeat!

I can't just not go though. I would get hell from so many people, it just wouldn't be worth it. I'm excited for the 2 hour drive down through the landscapes that inspire my artwork though. The party is in a tiny little town where I spent a lot of my childhood, so it's steeped in imaginative memories. More than anything, I'd love to take a break during the party and go for a walk. Draw a little bit, write about it. Take some pictures. Even though that's not what I'm " supposed " to focus on at parties (it's not food or people) but maybe it's ok. Maybe I can draw to keep my hands busy while the party is going, but feel free to excuse myself if I need a break.

Lots of " aha! " moments here, let's put them to work.

-McKella

> > > >

> > > > Hey everyone! I hope you all had a wonderful Thanksgiving.

> > > > I was just wondering if anyone has any tips for handling parties.

> > > >

> > > > I've been eating intuitively for awhile now and I feel like I have a really good grip on it, but I've been struggling at parties that are centered around food like Thanksgiving and Halloween parties. I eat what I want and usually feel good after the initial meal, but as the time wears on and the food is still out, I pick and nibble and get uncomfortably full. I don't feel guilty or beat myself up, but it's not pleasant to feel like you swallowed a cinder block.

> > > >

> > > > I'm not comfortable with big group, even my extended family, and I feel like I kind of get left out of conversations because I'm sort of alone in my age group. My other female cousins who are close to my age all have babies and I don't, so they tend to group up and I feel like I don't have much to contribute. My mom and aunts all hang out together, but I don't feel like I have much to say there either. I love seeing my family, but crowds overwhelm me and I usually feel like just going into another room by myself. I worry that this will appear rude or anti-social, so instead I stay where everyone else is and eat because I don't feel like I can do much else. It's exhausting to try to fit into a conversation that has nothing to do with me.

> > > >

> > > > Does anyone else struggle with this?

> > > >

> > > > -McKella

> > > >

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

It sounds like you have identified the real reasons you would like to go, enjoying the trip and scenery and inspiration for your artwork. Why don't you go ahead and take a break and go for a walk, draw a little and write a little.  It would make a nice memoir/memento for the family too.  Have you ever drawn people?  You might be able to do that at the party.  I know I am really terrible at drawing people, but that's me.  I think you also came up with your own solution by saying you could draw to keep your hands busy and away from the food, and take a break when you wanted to.   I am an introvert and my ex was an extrovert who could stay at a party for hours having fun.  After a short time I got very tired and felt guilty about wanting to leave, and he would be annoyed.  That was until I learned about how introverts are drained of energy in social situations, while extroverts get energized.  After that I no longer felt guilty or to blame and we went in separate cars.  Do what feeds your spirit and most likely everyone will be better off.  Just my thoughts.Sandy

 

Lots of interesting comments! I like the idea of realize " why " I go to these parties. It's funny, my annual family Christmas party is coming up on Saturday, and I really can't think of why I want to go other than because I'm supposed to. It's a tradition I really enjoyed when I was little because I got to see my cousins, Santa brought each kid a present and that was exciting. Now I don't relate to my cousins as well and I'm too old for Santa. Also, Grandma's been inviting her side of the family (she is my mother's stepmother) whom I don't know very well and don't seem to have much in common with. Grandpa's not around any more, so Grandma's usually stressed and grumpy. It's not as much fun as it was when I was a kid. The family that I do care to see, I see quite often anyway.

I'm going to skip the part where I guilt-trip myself for being a bad person for feeling this way. I'm just being honest, and it's ok. At this point, the food is the most exciting thing. It's fun for the kids to get together and play, and for the " adults " to sit and mingle. I feel like I'm in between, because I'm part of the " kid " generation even thought I'm 23 and married. No wonder I overeat!

I can't just not go though. I would get hell from so many people, it just wouldn't be worth it. I'm excited for the 2 hour drive down through the landscapes that inspire my artwork though. The party is in a tiny little town where I spent a lot of my childhood, so it's steeped in imaginative memories. More than anything, I'd love to take a break during the party and go for a walk. Draw a little bit, write about it. Take some pictures. Even though that's not what I'm " supposed " to focus on at parties (it's not food or people) but maybe it's ok. Maybe I can draw to keep my hands busy while the party is going, but feel free to excuse myself if I need a break.

Lots of " aha! " moments here, let's put them to work.

-McKella

> > > >

> > > > Hey everyone! I hope you all had a wonderful Thanksgiving.

> > > > I was just wondering if anyone has any tips for handling parties.

> > > >

> > > > I've been eating intuitively for awhile now and I feel like I have a really good grip on it, but I've been struggling at parties that are centered around food like Thanksgiving and Halloween parties. I eat what I want and usually feel good after the initial meal, but as the time wears on and the food is still out, I pick and nibble and get uncomfortably full. I don't feel guilty or beat myself up, but it's not pleasant to feel like you swallowed a cinder block.

> > > >

> > > > I'm not comfortable with big group, even my extended family, and I feel like I kind of get left out of conversations because I'm sort of alone in my age group. My other female cousins who are close to my age all have babies and I don't, so they tend to group up and I feel like I don't have much to contribute. My mom and aunts all hang out together, but I don't feel like I have much to say there either. I love seeing my family, but crowds overwhelm me and I usually feel like just going into another room by myself. I worry that this will appear rude or anti-social, so instead I stay where everyone else is and eat because I don't feel like I can do much else. It's exhausting to try to fit into a conversation that has nothing to do with me.

> > > >

> > > > Does anyone else struggle with this?

> > > >

> > > > -McKella

> > > >

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

It sounds like you have identified the real reasons you would like to go, enjoying the trip and scenery and inspiration for your artwork. Why don't you go ahead and take a break and go for a walk, draw a little and write a little.  It would make a nice memoir/memento for the family too.  Have you ever drawn people?  You might be able to do that at the party.  I know I am really terrible at drawing people, but that's me.  I think you also came up with your own solution by saying you could draw to keep your hands busy and away from the food, and take a break when you wanted to.   I am an introvert and my ex was an extrovert who could stay at a party for hours having fun.  After a short time I got very tired and felt guilty about wanting to leave, and he would be annoyed.  That was until I learned about how introverts are drained of energy in social situations, while extroverts get energized.  After that I no longer felt guilty or to blame and we went in separate cars.  Do what feeds your spirit and most likely everyone will be better off.  Just my thoughts.Sandy

 

Lots of interesting comments! I like the idea of realize " why " I go to these parties. It's funny, my annual family Christmas party is coming up on Saturday, and I really can't think of why I want to go other than because I'm supposed to. It's a tradition I really enjoyed when I was little because I got to see my cousins, Santa brought each kid a present and that was exciting. Now I don't relate to my cousins as well and I'm too old for Santa. Also, Grandma's been inviting her side of the family (she is my mother's stepmother) whom I don't know very well and don't seem to have much in common with. Grandpa's not around any more, so Grandma's usually stressed and grumpy. It's not as much fun as it was when I was a kid. The family that I do care to see, I see quite often anyway.

I'm going to skip the part where I guilt-trip myself for being a bad person for feeling this way. I'm just being honest, and it's ok. At this point, the food is the most exciting thing. It's fun for the kids to get together and play, and for the " adults " to sit and mingle. I feel like I'm in between, because I'm part of the " kid " generation even thought I'm 23 and married. No wonder I overeat!

I can't just not go though. I would get hell from so many people, it just wouldn't be worth it. I'm excited for the 2 hour drive down through the landscapes that inspire my artwork though. The party is in a tiny little town where I spent a lot of my childhood, so it's steeped in imaginative memories. More than anything, I'd love to take a break during the party and go for a walk. Draw a little bit, write about it. Take some pictures. Even though that's not what I'm " supposed " to focus on at parties (it's not food or people) but maybe it's ok. Maybe I can draw to keep my hands busy while the party is going, but feel free to excuse myself if I need a break.

Lots of " aha! " moments here, let's put them to work.

-McKella

> > > >

> > > > Hey everyone! I hope you all had a wonderful Thanksgiving.

> > > > I was just wondering if anyone has any tips for handling parties.

> > > >

> > > > I've been eating intuitively for awhile now and I feel like I have a really good grip on it, but I've been struggling at parties that are centered around food like Thanksgiving and Halloween parties. I eat what I want and usually feel good after the initial meal, but as the time wears on and the food is still out, I pick and nibble and get uncomfortably full. I don't feel guilty or beat myself up, but it's not pleasant to feel like you swallowed a cinder block.

> > > >

> > > > I'm not comfortable with big group, even my extended family, and I feel like I kind of get left out of conversations because I'm sort of alone in my age group. My other female cousins who are close to my age all have babies and I don't, so they tend to group up and I feel like I don't have much to contribute. My mom and aunts all hang out together, but I don't feel like I have much to say there either. I love seeing my family, but crowds overwhelm me and I usually feel like just going into another room by myself. I worry that this will appear rude or anti-social, so instead I stay where everyone else is and eat because I don't feel like I can do much else. It's exhausting to try to fit into a conversation that has nothing to do with me.

> > > >

> > > > Does anyone else struggle with this?

> > > >

> > > > -McKella

> > > >

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

I went to your web site and think your sketches are wonderful! Maybe you could have a little more faith in them.. If you look at some of the " famous " artists, their stuff was very different... Picasso, Dali and many more.  I wonder if they judged their work as poor.  I can relate to your selling one.  I sold my first acrylic painting this year for $20.. I didn't know any better and had put that price on it.  I think the buyer probably purchased it for the frame which was very pretty and different.  I just chocked it up to experience and form then on put a much higher value on them.  I know that I have a hard time seeing any much value in my own stuff. I do the same with my poetry, stories and more. I hope you reconsider yours.  I really like them.  Sandy

 

Wow--that was just what I was going to suggest--going for a long walk. You may even inspire others to do the same thing. There may be others who are looking for the same thing you are. And drawing is also a great idea. I usually do take my sketchbook, and draw people at events. If you want to look at my website (www.augustcoreopsis.blogspot.com), and click on the sketchbook tag, you can see some of my sketches from various parties and meetings.. Only once has anyone ever told me to stop; usually folks are curious, and want to see them.

I go to parties because I want to connect with people I don't usually see, even though I vastly prefer small groups.

Good thoughts!

Tilley

> > > > >

> > > > > Hey everyone! I hope you all had a wonderful Thanksgiving.

> > > > > I was just wondering if anyone has any tips for handling parties.

> > > > >

> > > > > I've been eating intuitively for awhile now and I feel like I have a really good grip on it, but I've been struggling at parties that are centered around food like Thanksgiving and Halloween parties. I eat what I want and usually feel good after the initial meal, but as the time wears on and the food is still out, I pick and nibble and get uncomfortably full. I don't feel guilty or beat myself up, but it's not pleasant to feel like you swallowed a cinder block.

> > > > >

> > > > > I'm not comfortable with big group, even my extended family, and I feel like I kind of get left out of conversations because I'm sort of alone in my age group. My other female cousins who are close to my age all have babies and I don't, so they tend to group up and I feel like I don't have much to contribute. My mom and aunts all hang out together, but I don't feel like I have much to say there either. I love seeing my family, but crowds overwhelm me and I usually feel like just going into another room by myself. I worry that this will appear rude or anti-social, so instead I stay where everyone else is and eat because I don't feel like I can do much else. It's exhausting to try to fit into a conversation that has nothing to do with me.

> > > > >

> > > > > Does anyone else struggle with this?

> > > > >

> > > > > -McKella

> > > > >

> > > >

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

I went to your web site and think your sketches are wonderful! Maybe you could have a little more faith in them.. If you look at some of the " famous " artists, their stuff was very different... Picasso, Dali and many more.  I wonder if they judged their work as poor.  I can relate to your selling one.  I sold my first acrylic painting this year for $20.. I didn't know any better and had put that price on it.  I think the buyer probably purchased it for the frame which was very pretty and different.  I just chocked it up to experience and form then on put a much higher value on them.  I know that I have a hard time seeing any much value in my own stuff. I do the same with my poetry, stories and more. I hope you reconsider yours.  I really like them.  Sandy

 

Wow--that was just what I was going to suggest--going for a long walk. You may even inspire others to do the same thing. There may be others who are looking for the same thing you are. And drawing is also a great idea. I usually do take my sketchbook, and draw people at events. If you want to look at my website (www.augustcoreopsis.blogspot.com), and click on the sketchbook tag, you can see some of my sketches from various parties and meetings.. Only once has anyone ever told me to stop; usually folks are curious, and want to see them.

I go to parties because I want to connect with people I don't usually see, even though I vastly prefer small groups.

Good thoughts!

Tilley

> > > > >

> > > > > Hey everyone! I hope you all had a wonderful Thanksgiving.

> > > > > I was just wondering if anyone has any tips for handling parties.

> > > > >

> > > > > I've been eating intuitively for awhile now and I feel like I have a really good grip on it, but I've been struggling at parties that are centered around food like Thanksgiving and Halloween parties. I eat what I want and usually feel good after the initial meal, but as the time wears on and the food is still out, I pick and nibble and get uncomfortably full. I don't feel guilty or beat myself up, but it's not pleasant to feel like you swallowed a cinder block.

> > > > >

> > > > > I'm not comfortable with big group, even my extended family, and I feel like I kind of get left out of conversations because I'm sort of alone in my age group. My other female cousins who are close to my age all have babies and I don't, so they tend to group up and I feel like I don't have much to contribute. My mom and aunts all hang out together, but I don't feel like I have much to say there either. I love seeing my family, but crowds overwhelm me and I usually feel like just going into another room by myself. I worry that this will appear rude or anti-social, so instead I stay where everyone else is and eat because I don't feel like I can do much else. It's exhausting to try to fit into a conversation that has nothing to do with me.

> > > > >

> > > > > Does anyone else struggle with this?

> > > > >

> > > > > -McKella

> > > > >

> > > >

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Love this. Especially good for people (usually women) who are expected to always put their needs last (even by themselves). In some situations you may even get negative comments for taking time for yourself ("she thinks she's too good for us," "she's too sensitive/dramatic," etc.), but once you establish it as a routine requirement for yourself, others usually get used to it (and may even start to emulate you!).

I know a 12-year-old girl who needed to take a few breaks during busy family events. This poor kid could barely take a bathroom break without a knock on the door and queries of "what's wrong with you?" "Why can't you spend time with family, they're only here once a year!" "you shouldn't want to be alone." I felt so bad that they were teaching her so early that it was unacceptable to need alone time, be different from the crowd, etc. It's so difficult to let go of expectations like this, but so empowering to do so. I am going to try to do it more.

Mimi

Subject: Re: Holiday partiesTo: IntuitiveEating_Support Date: Thursday, December 1, 2011, 8:26 AM

Hi Mckella,I loved your idea of taking a break to draw of write in the middle of the party and just wanted to say, "Go for it" and know that your IE sisters (at least me) will be there supporting you in spirit.When you do something like that for yourself several things happen1) you realize you are in control of your life (as much as we are in control) which is extremely empowering2) one is less likely to overeat when they feel they are taking care of themselves3) you will be showing yourself how important you are to you4) you will be tuning into your needs and desires - all that IE is about - and reminding yourself that you truly are the best expert of you5) you'll probably have way more fun!