Legalizing...

[Guest guest]

Yesterday evening I suddenly had a craving for M & M's. I'd eaten dinner when

not really hungry (with my brother who hates fat people) and later on the

craving hit. Rather than fight the craving, I determined to go out and buy some

M & M's, hungry or not. I struggled with the decision - my shame about going to

a nearby store and buying some (again) or driving to town to buy some then

wondering what else to buy to cover the fact that I was actually going to eat

the M & M's.

It was a weird battle - but nothing new, except for my determination to let it

be ok to eat the M & M's whether I was hungry or not. Which I did. I even

stopped to enjoy the taste/mouth feel of them. I didn't eat them all and now I

have a whole bowlfull sitting in the cupboard. I am not craving them but if the

craving starts, I will honor that part until I feel safe with all food. I'm

intending that all eating experiences are legal and a matter of choice and not

something to punish myself for not getting right.

Today I found a bakery that bakes wonderful gluten-free products and stocked up

on a few items. I just had my first flat bread ever. I'd already eaten, having

waited until I was hungry. In fact, I chose not to eat on the way home from

work so that I wouldn't spoil my appetite as I wanted to enjoy what I was having

for dinner.

I ate past full though - as I got panicked when I realized I was already

satisfied and still had quite a bit of food on my plate, even though I'd chosen

much smaller portions than usual.

Eating diner has also been my hobby for a long time and I am apparently not

ready to deal with stopping when I'm full/satisfied. (I've always hated the

hours between 5:00 pm and about 9:00 pm...)

Upon reflection I can see now that I started to hit the rule brakes around

stopping which then triggered defiance and so I chugged on, pushing those rules

aside. Now my stomach is extended and uncomfortable. But there will come a

time when I'll choose to eat lighter because it feels better rather than I'd be

" better " if I didn't overeat.

I heard/read something the other day about finding my own rules - and I like

that. I don't have to follow any rules about intuitive eating, I can take the

time I need to find my own in whatever way that works. That's liberation.

That's a real first for me; finding my own rules from the inside rather than

adopting whatever rule is parced out by the expert du jour.

The stuff about my sister and all... I figure that eating my way through those

years was normal for me and now I'm ready to learn how to deal with life events

differently. The therapy industry for me is a bit like the diet industry; it's

a great idea in theory, but there are a lot of mixed messages to sort out

afterwards.

I figure that when I've become grounded in my own self care around food, I'll

find a new self-care around most other things too. But I'm grateful to this

group for having the space to spill all of that out. In the process I found

that point in time where gooey chocolate desserts deep-sixed a whole bunch of

emotions; and I think there are some realizations about that period I'll

discover as time goes on.

Well, my stomach feels a little lighter and I'm actually feeling some

anticipation about this being a journey of pleasant, maybe even some wondrous

surprises. I'm actually thinking of taking golf lesson; not because I should,

but because I used to like it.

My best to everyone. Thanks.