Re: KO Anger: still politically incorrect, it would seem

[Guest guest]

I would have liked to read that thread. A similar thing happened on the general

WTO thread. A woman came on a thread about something and posted a general

comment that everyone was being very negative about BPD and she was here to find

help and positive reinforcement as she tries to stay with her BPD partner. She

came from the point of view of someone who does get to choose whether to stay or

go, and had no awareness at all of people who are blood family members,

especially KOs, and that we don't always get a choice. At least not until we

turn 18--and that means we have to put up with a lot of abuse that we can't say

anything about because a lot of the time no one believes us or downplays the

situation, like we are bad children and are just complaining about being

disciplined or something.

Other commenters called her out on the fact that a lot of us don't have a safe

place to vent or express our anger, and she recognized that she came off as

callous. The conversation did take a turn and others started discussing

successful strategies for staying with a partner, but I think as KOs we do get

overlooked as victims of their abuse sometimes.

Coming to terms with the illness versus the person with the illness is something

I'm having a hard time dealing with right now. And to say I don't have a right

to my anger or that it's unfounded, are you KIDDING me?! When my mother attacked

me on Christmas, my anger isn't justified at her attempt to her me? My anger

towards her for that isn't justified? Isn't legitimate? That's ridiculous. Being

angry and being vengeful are two different things.

Expressing anger in healthy ways is essential to being a healthy person. To

suppress our anger will put us in the same boat as our BPD relatives--who cannot

express emotions appropriately.

[Guest guest]

Can you paste them for us to see Miss Annie, or does that violate some sort

of agreement? Thanks

>

>

> I would have liked to read that thread. A similar thing happened on the

> general WTO thread. A woman came on a thread about something and posted a

> general comment that everyone was being very negative about BPD and she was

> here to find help and positive reinforcement as she tries to stay with her

> BPD partner. She came from the point of view of someone who does get to

> choose whether to stay or go, and had no awareness at all of people who are

> blood family members, especially KOs, and that we don't always get a choice.

> At least not until we turn 18--and that means we have to put up with a lot

> of abuse that we can't say anything about because a lot of the time no one

> believes us or downplays the situation, like we are bad children and are

> just complaining about being disciplined or something.

>

> Other commenters called her out on the fact that a lot of us don't have a

> safe place to vent or express our anger, and she recognized that she came

> off as callous. The conversation did take a turn and others started

> discussing successful strategies for staying with a partner, but I think as

> KOs we do get overlooked as victims of their abuse sometimes.

>

> Coming to terms with the illness versus the person with the illness is

> something I'm having a hard time dealing with right now. And to say I don't

> have a right to my anger or that it's unfounded, are you KIDDING me?! When

> my mother attacked me on Christmas, my anger isn't justified at her attempt

> to her me? My anger towards her for that isn't justified? Isn't legitimate?

> That's ridiculous. Being angry and being vengeful are two different things.

>

> Expressing anger in healthy ways is essential to being a healthy person. To

> suppress our anger will put us in the same boat as our BPD relatives--who

> cannot express emotions appropriately.

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

I'm willing to share my copy of the thread by posting it here, but I'll wait to

hear from Randi whether that's OK for me to do or not. She has ties with that

Forum, and I'll respect her decision.

-Annie

>

> Can you paste them for us to see Miss Annie, or does that violate some sort

> of agreement? Thanks

>

> On Thu, Jan 13, 2011 at 2:25 PM, afldancer

[Guest guest]

I'm willing to share my copy of the thread by posting it here, but I'll wait to

hear from Randi whether that's OK for me to do or not. She has ties with that

Forum, and I'll respect her decision.

-Annie

>

> Can you paste them for us to see Miss Annie, or does that violate some sort

> of agreement? Thanks

>

> On Thu, Jan 13, 2011 at 2:25 PM, afldancer

[Guest guest]

I'm willing to share my copy of the thread by posting it here, but I'll wait to

hear from Randi whether that's OK for me to do or not. She has ties with that

Forum, and I'll respect her decision.

-Annie

>

> Can you paste them for us to see Miss Annie, or does that violate some sort

> of agreement? Thanks

>

> On Thu, Jan 13, 2011 at 2:25 PM, afldancer

[Guest guest]

Wow Annie, that really saddens me to hear that. Anger in it's self is not an

unhealthy emotion! It's not the anger so much as what the person

experiencing does with it that can make it " bad " .

But yes, I agree, I was also not allowed to express anger at all. It's

taken me years to get there, and even still I always cry when I'm super

angry.

ly it saddens me that they would take such a negative view point on

anger. Anger is a normal emotion and there are healthy ways to express it.

Sadly most KOs probably had to learn how to express it because it was

forbidden. And to make it forbidden on a list is not really fair. Healthy

anger is good.

Mia

[Guest guest]

What a strange coincidence that you posted this about the anger today. Just

yesterday (really!), I was thinking to myself about how angry I've been at dad

and stepnada since I found out about the bpd almost exactly a year ago. Before

that, I was angry sometimes, but my relationship with them was characterized

much more by hurt, confusion, guilt, longing, fear, and resentment (to name a

few). Also, it was characterized by this constant huge effort on my part to

make sure I was doing the right thing as I attempted to have a decent

relationship with them.

I was reflecting yesterday on how much healthier and stronger I have felt since

the discovery. The anger feels so much more positive than the constant confusion

and guilt. I don't want to feel this angry forever. But I bet I will always

have times when I remember back and get angry about something they did in the

past--like the times when I still feel grief for loved ones who died years

before. It's a natural, undeniable reaction. And I think it's protective. I'm

less likely to let them hurt me now. Also, for some reason, the hurt doesn't

hurt quite so much if I feel a " healthy anger " instead.

Jill

[Guest guest]

What a strange coincidence that you posted this about the anger today. Just

yesterday (really!), I was thinking to myself about how angry I've been at dad

and stepnada since I found out about the bpd almost exactly a year ago. Before

that, I was angry sometimes, but my relationship with them was characterized

much more by hurt, confusion, guilt, longing, fear, and resentment (to name a

few). Also, it was characterized by this constant huge effort on my part to

make sure I was doing the right thing as I attempted to have a decent

relationship with them.

I was reflecting yesterday on how much healthier and stronger I have felt since

the discovery. The anger feels so much more positive than the constant confusion

and guilt. I don't want to feel this angry forever. But I bet I will always

have times when I remember back and get angry about something they did in the

past--like the times when I still feel grief for loved ones who died years

before. It's a natural, undeniable reaction. And I think it's protective. I'm

less likely to let them hurt me now. Also, for some reason, the hurt doesn't

hurt quite so much if I feel a " healthy anger " instead.

Jill

[Guest guest]

My therapist that I had before I moved out of state did say that anger is a

normal, healthy emotion. I think as KOs we would think otherwise because of

our nadas/fadas telling us otherwise... maybe not with words, but in other,

non-verbal ways as well.

And it's good that you can feel the anger, Jill. Nothing wrong with

acknowledging it and knowing what it is instead of mislabeling it as guilt,

hurt, confusion, etc. But that's where it ends up when we can't put it in

the box that says " anger " .

Nothing at all wrong with being angry, IMO. It's what you do with it. But

in it's self, nope. Anger is not a bad thing.

Mia

[Guest guest]

Mia,

I had never thought about that--the guilt and hurt I felt might actually be

anger, mislabeled. It's interesting that I can look back at the same event that

used to trigger hurt and pain, and now that I know it's NOT my fault, I'm angry.

You'd think, though, that because bpd is the real cause, I'd be more

compassionate. But I'm not. I keep thinking about how much better Dad treated

me before he married the stepnada, and that doesn't seem right. It seems like

he should have more control over his behavior. And I think about how well both

of them treat my stepsister (she fits the description of a golden child), and

that makes it seem even more like their treatment of me is a choice and not

pre-determined by the disease.

Thank you for your insights!

Jill

>

> My therapist that I had before I moved out of state did say that anger is a

> normal, healthy emotion. I think as KOs we would think otherwise because of

> our nadas/fadas telling us otherwise... maybe not with words, but in other,

> non-verbal ways as well.

>

> And it's good that you can feel the anger, Jill. Nothing wrong with

> acknowledging it and knowing what it is instead of mislabeling it as guilt,

> hurt, confusion, etc. But that's where it ends up when we can't put it in

> the box that says " anger " .

>

> Nothing at all wrong with being angry, IMO. It's what you do with it. But

> in it's self, nope. Anger is not a bad thing.

>

> Mia

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Mia,

I had never thought about that--the guilt and hurt I felt might actually be

anger, mislabeled. It's interesting that I can look back at the same event that

used to trigger hurt and pain, and now that I know it's NOT my fault, I'm angry.

You'd think, though, that because bpd is the real cause, I'd be more

compassionate. But I'm not. I keep thinking about how much better Dad treated

me before he married the stepnada, and that doesn't seem right. It seems like

he should have more control over his behavior. And I think about how well both

of them treat my stepsister (she fits the description of a golden child), and

that makes it seem even more like their treatment of me is a choice and not

pre-determined by the disease.

Thank you for your insights!

Jill

>

> My therapist that I had before I moved out of state did say that anger is a

> normal, healthy emotion. I think as KOs we would think otherwise because of

> our nadas/fadas telling us otherwise... maybe not with words, but in other,

> non-verbal ways as well.

>

> And it's good that you can feel the anger, Jill. Nothing wrong with

> acknowledging it and knowing what it is instead of mislabeling it as guilt,

> hurt, confusion, etc. But that's where it ends up when we can't put it in

> the box that says " anger " .

>

> Nothing at all wrong with being angry, IMO. It's what you do with it. But

> in it's self, nope. Anger is not a bad thing.

>

> Mia

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

I agree with you Annie. You know I have seen this all over the internet and I

am trying to understand it rather then nut myself up with anger over it (I did

that at first...LOL). One thing that I found on the other support groups I've

run across is that the moderators were themselves diagnosed as BPD and I believe

they are asking for compassion but true to the diagnosis, they fail to recognize

the expression of compassion and love from their non-BPD family and friends.

Compassion and love to them seems to me to mean, you will do what I want you to

do, you will rescue me only in the manner with which I choose to impose upon you

and you will adore and lavish me with undying devotion and love no matter what I

say or do or you are wrong, unloving and hateful and I will extract insidious

revenge against you (you're all bad). The challenge is non-BPDs are not

permitted to be who they are because that act means that they are not being who

the BPD wants them to be.

This is the crux of the issue...the non-BPDs incredulous because they are

standing their loving and showing compassion and being verbally and emotionally

beaten for being uncaring, lacking compassion and selfish. It is the BPDs own

failure to consider their view is skewed and then add to that the illness

created by the BPD in the non-BPD of people pleasing, walking on eggshells,

doubting reality and wholly diminished self-esteem from taking the beatings.

There is no easy answer. BPDs not in treatment don't get to abuse people and

not have them react. See, non-BPDs have rights and they may exercise them

however they choose. I think of my own case...I feel so bad for nada, I

understand nada completely but with my high-stress life as it is, I am unable to

cope with the attacks, the verbal beatings, the fear, guilt, obligation,

outbursts etc. I am not strong enough. So, it is what it is. It is lack of

understanding that their mental health may in fact be compromised. However, the

non-BPDs who do realize their mental health has been compromised get help and

begin to heal but only if they can step away from the BPD. If the BPD does not

get help, like an alcoholic, they are forever lost - it is such a tragedy...but

its not our job to solve it. We did not create it. We can understand it and

try to work with it to the best of our ability. If we are angry, we have the

right to be angry and we need no support group to validate that and just because

moderators would like to avoid the conflict of BPDs or the pain of facing what

they created if they are themselves BPD, it doesn't make them right and us

wrong. It's a difficult diagnosis...but I always fall back to what I chose for

me, personally...I choose to be free of abuse period regardless of the source,

regardless of the reason, history, what have you. That's what I need to live a

healthy and productive life.

Many Blessings to All!

Jaie

[Guest guest]

I love this thread. I've complained a long while privately that " forgiveness "

has become the " new denial " in many circles. It's the dull panacea that puts a

halt to all that pesky complaining and cries of pain from victims, real victims,

not people playing the card to win points for their side.

I asked a rabbi about forgiveness, and he wisely advised that forgiveness is

appropriate where there is remorse. If the offending person is remorseful, aware

of how they have wronged you, and humbly asking for forgiveness, then it's

appropriate to extend forgiveness.

Small instances, say, where children make mistakes, or someone doesn't see me

and say hello or whatever, these kinds of things are forgiven on a daily basis

without remorse from the other side. The small child doesn't have capacity for

remorse. How can an adult be remorseful over a small oversight they don't even

know about? Better to let these go. But the big stuff like the transgressions of

Nada and Fada, despite how many times they've been pointed out, forgiveness is

not appropriate. Not only was there no remorse, there was a willful, ongoing

campaign to deny any wrongdoing--to paint them as 100% right and me 100% wrong.

We KOs cannot heal until we face and understand the truth of how our childhoods

have been robbed and betrayed. Our anger is the first line of defense, pointing

to the truth, ensuring we never let our guards down and forget. In my

experience, that is the way to healing.

AFB

[Guest guest]

Thanks for sharing the wisdom of that rabbi.

I struggle with straight-up forgiveness of my parents, and especially for

fada.

But in a way, I do forgive them--I want to forgive them. It just will take a

while to get to that point, especially, as the rabbi said, it's not likely

my parents will be aware of their wrongdoings anytime soon, making true 100%

forgiveness impossible for now.

I want to forgive them, but I don't want to forget (make it the new denial).

Forgetting means we haven't learned anything from our trials, and I learned

valuable lessons.

and I'm slowly allowing myself to feel righteous anger as part of the

process of forgiveness.

Holly

On Fri, Jan 14, 2011 at 8:59 AM, awayfromborderland <

awayfromborderland@...> wrote:

>

>

> I love this thread. I've complained a long while privately that

> " forgiveness " has become the " new denial " in many circles. It's the dull

> panacea that puts a halt to all that pesky complaining and cries of pain

> from victims, real victims, not people playing the card to win points for

> their side.

>

> I asked a rabbi about forgiveness, and he wisely advised that forgiveness

> is appropriate where there is remorse. If the offending person is

> remorseful, aware of how they have wronged you, and humbly asking for

> forgiveness, then it's appropriate to extend forgiveness.

>

> Small instances, say, where children make mistakes, or someone doesn't see

> me and say hello or whatever, these kinds of things are forgiven on a daily

> basis without remorse from the other side. The small child doesn't have

> capacity for remorse. How can an adult be remorseful over a small oversight

> they don't even know about? Better to let these go. But the big stuff like

> the transgressions of Nada and Fada, despite how many times they've been

> pointed out, forgiveness is not appropriate. Not only was there no remorse,

> there was a willful, ongoing campaign to deny any wrongdoing--to paint them

> as 100% right and me 100% wrong.

>

> We KOs cannot heal until we face and understand the truth of how our

> childhoods have been robbed and betrayed. Our anger is the first line of

> defense, pointing to the truth, ensuring we never let our guards down and

> forget. In my experience, that is the way to healing.

> AFB

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Thanks for sharing the wisdom of that rabbi.

I struggle with straight-up forgiveness of my parents, and especially for

fada.

But in a way, I do forgive them--I want to forgive them. It just will take a

while to get to that point, especially, as the rabbi said, it's not likely

my parents will be aware of their wrongdoings anytime soon, making true 100%

forgiveness impossible for now.

I want to forgive them, but I don't want to forget (make it the new denial).

Forgetting means we haven't learned anything from our trials, and I learned

valuable lessons.

and I'm slowly allowing myself to feel righteous anger as part of the

process of forgiveness.

Holly

On Fri, Jan 14, 2011 at 8:59 AM, awayfromborderland <

awayfromborderland@...> wrote:

>

>

> I love this thread. I've complained a long while privately that

> " forgiveness " has become the " new denial " in many circles. It's the dull

> panacea that puts a halt to all that pesky complaining and cries of pain

> from victims, real victims, not people playing the card to win points for

> their side.

>

> I asked a rabbi about forgiveness, and he wisely advised that forgiveness

> is appropriate where there is remorse. If the offending person is

> remorseful, aware of how they have wronged you, and humbly asking for

> forgiveness, then it's appropriate to extend forgiveness.

>

> Small instances, say, where children make mistakes, or someone doesn't see

> me and say hello or whatever, these kinds of things are forgiven on a daily

> basis without remorse from the other side. The small child doesn't have

> capacity for remorse. How can an adult be remorseful over a small oversight

> they don't even know about? Better to let these go. But the big stuff like

> the transgressions of Nada and Fada, despite how many times they've been

> pointed out, forgiveness is not appropriate. Not only was there no remorse,

> there was a willful, ongoing campaign to deny any wrongdoing--to paint them

> as 100% right and me 100% wrong.

>

> We KOs cannot heal until we face and understand the truth of how our

> childhoods have been robbed and betrayed. Our anger is the first line of

> defense, pointing to the truth, ensuring we never let our guards down and

> forget. In my experience, that is the way to healing.

> AFB

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Thanks for this, it's very inspiring. I'm glad you could share what the

rabbi told you, and I have to say that I agree.

Mia

[Guest guest]

Thanks for this, it's very inspiring. I'm glad you could share what the

rabbi told you, and I have to say that I agree.

Mia

[Guest guest]

I found that article and the comments kind of irritating, and I was able to post

there. I have to commend Randi for writing a great response.

I was able to access the comments just a few days ago. I used this link, see if

this works:

http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/stop-walking-eggshells

I think that the psychology profession, in general, focuses on individuals.

They particularly focus on individuals with pathologies. There are only some

psychologists who see family systems as a whole, and then only for some

pathologies like alcoholism. In terms of alcoholics, there is a general

recognition that children of and spouses of, everyone around them, is affected.

With PDs and other pathologies, most psychologists, I would think, aren't really

aware of how damaging they are to the people around them, and take the

perspective that the people with pathologies have to be advocated for. There

seems to be this bias in psychology towards people with mental illness, which

explains to me why so many people with PDs end up working as counselors. It

seems like most of society doesn't understand what it would be like to have a PD

in your FOO.

This website is really about generating a lot of hits. I think the use of the

word " vitriol " , a word used in the news industry, indicates to me that this

website is about generating controversy and not about resolution. It's a newsy

site, and they want a lot of people to post, so that their advertisers make

money. It's a bottom line thing. I don't think it's set up for mental health

or as a support group. That's how I explained the wierd way they phrased their

position. I had to explain it to myself some kind of way.

Hope you can see it, and check out my post. I haven't checked it since, because

I don't want to see if someone said something mean about my heartfelt post.

Hugs,

Walkingto Happiness

[Guest guest]

I found that article and the comments kind of irritating, and I was able to post

there. I have to commend Randi for writing a great response.

I was able to access the comments just a few days ago. I used this link, see if

this works:

http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/stop-walking-eggshells

I think that the psychology profession, in general, focuses on individuals.

They particularly focus on individuals with pathologies. There are only some

psychologists who see family systems as a whole, and then only for some

pathologies like alcoholism. In terms of alcoholics, there is a general

recognition that children of and spouses of, everyone around them, is affected.

With PDs and other pathologies, most psychologists, I would think, aren't really

aware of how damaging they are to the people around them, and take the

perspective that the people with pathologies have to be advocated for. There

seems to be this bias in psychology towards people with mental illness, which

explains to me why so many people with PDs end up working as counselors. It

seems like most of society doesn't understand what it would be like to have a PD

in your FOO.

This website is really about generating a lot of hits. I think the use of the

word " vitriol " , a word used in the news industry, indicates to me that this

website is about generating controversy and not about resolution. It's a newsy

site, and they want a lot of people to post, so that their advertisers make

money. It's a bottom line thing. I don't think it's set up for mental health

or as a support group. That's how I explained the wierd way they phrased their

position. I had to explain it to myself some kind of way.

Hope you can see it, and check out my post. I haven't checked it since, because

I don't want to see if someone said something mean about my heartfelt post.

Hugs,

Walkingto Happiness

[Guest guest]

After going to this link, click on the link to the comments to the article (with

almost a 100 comments now).

>

> http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/stop-walking-eggshells

>

>

[Guest guest]

After going to this link, click on the link to the comments to the article (with

almost a 100 comments now).

>

> http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/stop-walking-eggshells

>

>

[Guest guest]

Regarding forgiveness, I believe that forgiveness is not something you " do " . It

happens by itself.

I was angry angry angry for years, and I think that is only natural. Anger is

the other side of hurt. I cried and grieved my lost childhood and adolescence

and early adulthood for a long time. I was so angry. at that time, it would

have been unrealistic to talk about forgiveness. I do agree with the rabbi,

that for forgiveness to happen the offending party needs to acknowledge what

they have done, at least if the relationship with the offending party is going

to continue.

I have to say, I have been NC for 6 years.

Then, there was a point where my anger at fada fell away, by itself, and I have

visited the FOO. I still didn't talk with nada, and I still stay away 364 days

of the year. Yet I am no longer anger. The forgiveness happened by itself, in

the sense that I don't condone what happened, and I know nada will never

ackowledge what happened, but I also don't want to carry around this anger with

me anymore.

I want to live my life without being angry so much. I don't talk with nada, I

am extremely LC with the FOO, but I also know that I was ready to move on for my

own personal reasons, in terms of the feelings I harbored. Everything that

happened did really happen, but I want to live the rest of my life without them

and without the anger towards them.

But this happened by itself. I agree, that forcing so called " forgiveness " is

just another form of denial. What happened to us is real. I think there are

different kinds of forgiveness. If my mother was a somewhat healthy person and

she had done some stupid things in raising me, perhaps I could have talked with

her, and she would have acknowledged her wrongs, and then I would have forgiven

her and continued the relationship with her. That will never happen with nada,

and I have accepted that.

The forgiveness I have gone through is not about repairing my relationship with

her; it is about letting her go completely from my life, to the best of my

ability.

I hope that helps, I certainly don't want to encourage people to be in denial,

because the anger is real and, you are right, it is part of the healing process.

All I want to say is, it will get better.

Hugs,

WTH.

>

> >

> >

> > I love this thread. I've complained a long while privately that

> > " forgiveness " has become the " new denial " in many circles. It's the dull

> > panacea that puts a halt to all that pesky complaining and cries of pain

> > from victims, real victims, not people playing the card to win points for

> > their side.

> >

> > I asked a rabbi about forgiveness, and he wisely advised that forgiveness

> > is appropriate where there is remorse. If the offending person is

> > remorseful, aware of how they have wronged you, and humbly asking for

> > forgiveness, then it's appropriate to extend forgiveness.

> >

> > Small instances, say, where children make mistakes, or someone doesn't see

> > me and say hello or whatever, these kinds of things are forgiven on a daily

> > basis without remorse from the other side. The small child doesn't have

> > capacity for remorse. How can an adult be remorseful over a small oversight

> > they don't even know about? Better to let these go. But the big stuff like

> > the transgressions of Nada and Fada, despite how many times they've been

> > pointed out, forgiveness is not appropriate. Not only was there no remorse,

> > there was a willful, ongoing campaign to deny any wrongdoing--to paint them

> > as 100% right and me 100% wrong.

> >

> > We KOs cannot heal until we face and understand the truth of how our

> > childhoods have been robbed and betrayed. Our anger is the first line of

> > defense, pointing to the truth, ensuring we never let our guards down and

> > forget. In my experience, that is the way to healing.

> > AFB

> >

> >

> >

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

I agree. Emotions are emotions. You suppose to express them. There's so much

guilt and shame about showing anger. Why? because it makes people

uncomfortable!? or would it make you look weak for showing emotions ?!When you

were being abused what did you suppose to do. Smile and say thank you for the

pain and discomfort ?! Emotions help people. Anger helps at times, like if I

feel anger for being disrespected by Nada I'll go LC or NC. Anger is used

constructively here. But if I use anger to cut my self, hate myself ( anger

misdirected ) then it's self destructive and even for that there's a thing

called behavioural therapy ( for those of us who didn't have an opportunity for

a good role model ). Anger is just a raw emotion and it's your right to have.

What choices we make while or after feeling it is important. Come on, we're just

human beings. I believe even saints had a right to show anger.

[Guest guest]

I agree. Emotions are emotions. You suppose to express them. There's so much

guilt and shame about showing anger. Why? because it makes people

uncomfortable!? or would it make you look weak for showing emotions ?!When you

were being abused what did you suppose to do. Smile and say thank you for the

pain and discomfort ?! Emotions help people. Anger helps at times, like if I

feel anger for being disrespected by Nada I'll go LC or NC. Anger is used

constructively here. But if I use anger to cut my self, hate myself ( anger

misdirected ) then it's self destructive and even for that there's a thing

called behavioural therapy ( for those of us who didn't have an opportunity for

a good role model ). Anger is just a raw emotion and it's your right to have.

What choices we make while or after feeling it is important. Come on, we're just

human beings. I believe even saints had a right to show anger.

[Guest guest]

I agree: acceptance and/or detachment is a good place to be, but a lot of us

have to pass through anger to get there. I eventually want to reach that stage

you describe, myself; I've been thinking of it as " compassionate detachment " , a

neutral but benign feeling towards nada. I'm just not there yet. I'm starting

to see glimpses of it, though. I truly hate to think of my nada being alone and

terrified by unpleasant hallucinations; nobody deserves that. But I still feel,

well... safe within my anger. Its less intense than it used to be, though, and

that's a good sign.

-Annie

>

> Another thought: The place that I've found in myself is probably best called

" acceptance. " I acknowledge the dysfunction of my family, I don't deny it or

brush feelings away, I accept, clear-eyed that it happened. I don't need to go

any further than that. With acceptance, I find peace. If I want to go back and

dredge up anger, I can do that, but acceptance seems to put it gently to bed,

allows me to turn my focus to other, productive things, like living my life to

the fullest. I don't need to boomerang between anger and forgiveness. I just

accept and move on.

> AFB

>

> --

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