Re: Intuitive Eating Around my Very Bossy Mother-in-Law (long, sorry)

July 31, 2011

Wow !! It sounds like you're doing a great job to me! With all the verbal abuse, you are standing up for you and that's all that matters! ((HUGS)) Hang tough!

Barb

Subject: Intuitive Eating Around my Very Bossy Mother-in-Law (long, sorry)To: IntuitiveEating_Support Date: Sunday, July 31, 2011, 11:46 AM

I A few weeks ago I wrote that I would be living with my mother-in-law, who is very Korean and doesn't speak English, for five weeks this summer. Well, I'm two weeks in and wanted to write about it.

(If there are typos, I'm sorry. I've using my husband's net book and the keyboard is really small!)

When I got off the plane, Mother greeted me, told me I was fat, and told me to have babies. The whole way back to her house, she lectured me on how I need to diet. But Mother says one thing with her mouth ("diet") and then does another thing with her hands (giving me a huge plate of Japanese curry over WHITE rice when I tell her I'm not even hungry). I quickly realized that Mother's idea of a "diet" is totally weird. Tonight she tried to give me a cob of corn and...ice cream. Why? Because using two slices of bread for the sandwich I really wanted has "too many calories." (We fought and I got my darn sandwich. And it was tasty.)

In any case, things have mostly been OK. She scolds me when I eat too much. She scolds me when I eat too little. She scolds me when I eat too slowly. She scolds me when I eat too quickly. Once I figured this out, I just started nodding. NOW I understand why my husband just tells her yes all the time. It's no use arguing with her. She has mostly quit talking about my weight since I asked her if we were going to talk about it everyday, "because it's really boring."

I bought some food a few days ago, and that included a small bag of chips. Mother went on and on about how I should "never eat those" chips. I nodded and went on preparing my lunch, complete with some chips on the plate. I happily munched on them as she lectured me, and she just looked pleased that I was agreeing with her. And this morniing? What did she serve with breakfast? THE CHIPS. Why? "Well, it's been very humid and they will go soft." If mother really thought one should "never" eat the chips, you'd think she'd let them go soft so she could toss them.

So, yeah. Mother has some very weird ideas about food. But she is trying. I wanted a sandwich and she mashed up potatoes, onions, and scallions and put the paste between two slices of the whitest bread I've ever seen. She didn't even have any pepper. It was bland.

(Before people tell me to set limits, I am doing my best, but I am dealing with a very different culture. It would take far too long to explain all of the Confucian things I'm dealing with her. Suffice to say, I'm doing my best.)

Anyhow--

One of the difficult things about being here is that I'm guest. So I want to eat what I'm given, but also honor myself. A few days ago I really wanted celery with peanut butter. But celery is hard to find here and the local store didn't have it. I thought about it and I wanted the salt in the PB and the crunch. So I bought some crunchy PB and ate it with some apples.: It still wasn't exactly what I wanted, but since celery isn't available, it was a good sub.

Realization: When you really can't get what you want, similar subs can work!

In the mornings, Mother likes to mostly eat fruit, maybe some bread. But I have discovered I need some sort of fat or protein, so I've been eating a little PB with my fruit or bread at breakfast. It has been doing a good job of tiding me over.

Realization: Even when being a good guest, I can do small things to tweak a meal to work better for my body.

We sit down and eat together, and unlike Americans, Koreans are mostly quiet when they eat. It has been very good practice in mindful eating, which I have a very, very hard time doing at home. I have noticed a few things. First, it seems like I am finishing my meals just as quickly as before, but I am eating far less. Second, it is easier to find that last bite, although sometimes I do go over.

Realization: Maybe this mindful eating/no distractions thing is actually a good idea.

Finally, I have overeaten. I have gone past the last bite and made myself feel very uncomfortable. But the discomfort is lasting a short period of time compared to when I would overeat a few months ago. I never timed it with a clock, but it seems like a few months ago I would feel gross for 1/2 hr or so, and now it's more like 10-15 minutes.

Realization: Well, I don't know what this means, actually!!

July 31, 2011

, What a great posting! It opened my eyes to a lot of things also that I will be thinking about for a long time. You have learned so much under difficult circumstances and have dealt with it amazingly. I really like how you came to all these realizations. You sure have grown a lot. Who knew such a difficult situation could be such a blessing. And you didn't have to apologize for the long post. I loved it. Thanks, Sandy

I A few weeks ago I wrote that I would be living with my mother-in-law, who is very Korean and doesn't speak English, for five weeks this summer. Well, I'm two weeks in and wanted to write about it.

(If there are typos, I'm sorry. I've using my husband's net book and the keyboard is really small!)

When I got off the plane, Mother greeted me, told me I was fat, and told me to have babies. The whole way back to her house, she lectured me on how I need to diet. But Mother says one thing with her mouth ( " diet " )

and then does another thing with her hands (giving me a huge plate of Japanese curry over WHITE rice when I tell her I'm not even hungry). I quickly realized that Mother's idea of a " diet " is totally weird. Tonight she tried to give me a cob of corn and...ice cream. Why? Because using two slices of bread for the sandwich I really wanted has " too many calories. " (We fought and I got my darn sandwich. And it was tasty.)

In any case, things have mostly been OK. She scolds me when I eat too much. She scolds me when I eat too little. She scolds me when I eat too slowly. She scolds me when I eat too quickly. Once I figured this out, I just started nodding. NOW I understand why my husband just tells her yes all the time. It's no use arguing

with her. She has mostly quit talking about my weight since I asked her if we were going to talk about it everyday, " because it's really boring. "

I bought some food a few days ago, and that included a small bag of chips. Mother went on and on about how I should " never eat those " chips. I nodded and went on preparing my lunch, complete with some chips on the plate. I happily munched on them as she lectured me, and she just looked pleased that I was agreeing with her. And this morniing? What did she serve with breakfast? THE CHIPS. Why? " Well, it's been very humid and they will go soft. " If mother really thought one should " never " eat the chips, you'd think she'd let them go soft so she could toss them.

So, yeah. Mother has some very weird ideas about food. But she is trying. I wanted a sandwich and she mashed up potatoes, onions, and scallions and put the paste between two slices of the whitest bread I've ever seen. She didn't even have any pepper. It was bland.

(Before people tell me to set limits, I am doing my best, but I am dealing with a very different culture. It would take far too long to explain all of the Confucian things I'm dealing with her. Suffice to say, I'm doing my best.)

Anyhow--One of the difficult things about being here is that I'm guest. So I want to eat what I'm given, but also honor myself. A few days ago I really wanted celery with peanut butter. But celery is hard to find here and the local store didn't have it. I thought about it and I wanted the salt in the PB and the crunch. So I bought some crunchy PB and ate it with some apples.: It still wasn't exactly what I wanted, but since celery isn't available, it was a good sub.

Realization: When you really can't get what you want, similar subs can work!

In the mornings, Mother likes to mostly eat fruit, maybe some bread. But I have discovered I need some sort of fat or protein, so I've been eating a little PB with my fruit or bread at breakfast. It has been doing a good job of tiding me over.

Realization: Even when being a good guest, I can do small things to tweak a meal to work better for my body.

We sit down and eat together, and unlike Americans,

Koreans are mostly quiet when they eat. It has been very good practice in mindful eating, which I have a very, very hard time doing at home. I have noticed a few things. First, it seems like I am finishing my meals just as quickly as before, but I am eating far less. Second, it is easier to find that last bite, although sometimes I do go over.

Realization: Maybe this mindful eating/no distractions thing is actually a good idea.

Finally, I have overeaten. I have gone past the last bite and made myself feel very uncomfortable. But the discomfort is lasting a

short period of time compared to when I would overeat a few months ago. I never timed it with a clock, but it seems like a few months ago I would feel gross for 1/2 hr or so, and now it's more like 10-15 minutes.

Realization: Well, I don't know what this means, actually!!

July 31, 2011

- GREAT 'intro' post and so very insightful too! My own MIL was a royal

PAIN when it came to food. Its not just cultural, though that has lots to add

in, but each person's ideas about food really shouldn't be imposed upon anyone

else. (my own soap box here - ha ha). I think you did a pretty darn good job

under the circumstances. Eating seems MORE emotionally charged than real body

hunger driven - in ALL cultures! The only difference is the assumptions accepted

(clean plate or not, accept what offered or say preferences, EAT what given or

only what you fancy) by a culture or family unit.

What ended up working for me and my dear hubby (regarding HIS mother's insistent

ways) was for HIM to 'run interference' for me! After all HE had whatever

understanding of her actions that could be known and I was getting the butt of

them. It was a truly LOVING thing for him to do this after I asked his

assistance. Dear MIL never changed, but at least I wasn't the one who had to

deal with her (directly). The bonus was that dear hubby got to see his own

reactions for what they were and he was able to deal with his mother where I

would not be appreciated to do so.

Keep posting, long, short or otherwise.

Katcha

IEing since March 2007

>

> I A few weeks ago I wrote that I would be living with my mother-in-law, who is

very Korean and doesn't speak English, for five weeks this summer. Well, I'm

two weeks in and wanted to write about it.

> (If there are typos, I'm sorry. I've using my husband's net book and the

keyboard is really small!)

> When I got off the plane, Mother greeted me, told me I was fat, and told me to

have babies. The whole way back to her house, she lectured me on how I need to

diet. But Mother says one thing with her mouth ( " diet " ) and then does another

thing with her hands (giving me a huge plate of Japanese curry over WHITE rice

when I tell her I'm not even hungry). I quickly realized that Mother's idea of

a " diet " is totally weird. Tonight she tried to give me a cob of corn and...ice

cream. Why? Because using two slices of bread for the sandwich I really wanted

has " too many calories. " (We fought and I got my darn sandwich. And it was

tasty.)

> In any case, things have mostly been OK. She scolds me when I eat too much.

She scolds me when I eat too little. She scolds me when I eat too slowly. She

scolds me when I eat too quickly. Once I figured this out, I just started

nodding. NOW I understand why my husband just tells her yes all the time. It's

no use arguing with her. She has mostly quit talking about my weight since I

asked her if we were going to talk about it everyday, " because it's really

boring. "

> I bought some food a few days ago, and that included a small bag of chips.

Mother went on and on about how I should " never eat those " chips. I nodded and

went on preparing my lunch, complete with some chips on the plate. I happily

munched on them as she lectured me, and she just looked pleased that I was

agreeing with her. And this morniing? What did she serve with breakfast? THE

CHIPS. Why? " Well, it's been very humid and they will go soft. " If mother

really thought one should " never " eat the chips, you'd think she'd let them go

soft so she could toss them.

> So, yeah. Mother has some very weird ideas about food. But she is trying. I

wanted a sandwich and she mashed up potatoes, onions, and scallions and put the

paste between two slices of the whitest bread I've ever seen. She didn't even

have any pepper. It was bland.

> (Before people tell me to set limits, I am doing my best, but I am dealing

with a very different culture. It would take far too long to explain all of the

Confucian things I'm dealing with her. Suffice to say, I'm doing my best.)

> Anyhow--

> One of the difficult things about being here is that I'm guest. So I want to

eat what I'm given, but also honor myself. A few days ago I really wanted

celery with peanut butter. But celery is hard to find here and the local store

didn't have it. I thought about it and I wanted the salt in the PB and the

crunch. So I bought some crunchy PB and ate it with some apples.: It still

wasn't exactly what I wanted, but since celery isn't available, it was a good

sub.

> Realization: When you really can't get what you want, similar subs can work!

>

> In the mornings, Mother likes to mostly eat fruit, maybe some bread. But I

have discovered I need some sort of fat or protein, so I've been eating a little

PB with my fruit or bread at breakfast. It has been doing a good job of tiding

me over.

> Realization: Even when being a good guest, I can do small things to tweak a

meal to work better for my body.

>

> We sit down and eat together, and unlike Americans, Koreans are mostly quiet

when they eat. It has been very good practice in mindful eating, which I have a

very, very hard time doing at home. I have noticed a few things. First, it

seems like I am finishing my meals just as quickly as before, but I am eating

far less. Second, it is easier to find that last bite, although sometimes I do

go over.

> Realization: Maybe this mindful eating/no distractions thing is actually a

good idea.

>

> Finally, I have overeaten. I have gone past the last bite and made myself

feel very uncomfortable. But the discomfort is lasting a short period of time

compared to when I would overeat a few months ago. I never timed it with a

clock, but it seems like a few months ago I would feel gross for 1/2 hr or so,

and now it's more like 10-15 minutes.

> Realization: Well, I don't know what this means, actually!!

>

July 31, 2011